# Chapter 19

Episode #19     I Hate, Therefore I Exist.

"Can we leave now, My Lady?"

Lucifella nodded weakly at Roisa's question.

Roisa looked at Lucifella’s expression. Lucifella frowned slightly with a stiff look as if she was displeased.

Roisa was thinking about how to make Her Ladyship feel better.

It was time for the wheels of the wagon to roll slowly and soon leave the gate. Suddenly, Lucifella's red lips curled up.

"Pfft,” she

tried to hold back her laughter, but she failed. She just couldn’t help it.

"My Lady?"

Despite the call of the worried Roisa, Lucifella continued bursting with laughter.

The reason was that her mind had cleared up.

When she died, she lost her body and her swordmanship, which symbolized Estelle. So, Estelle doubted and doubted her existence. But there was one thing without any doubt.

It was that she had herself who hated Khalid this much.

When she saw Khalid, her heart ached for the past, her heart pounded with a vengeance, and her hatred for him burned black.

How could Estelle not exist when such vivid emotions existed?

Even if Estelle died and disappeared, this information came from Estelle, these definite emotions she was feeling were Estelle's. That would never disappear.

"Hahaha!"

Why didn't she know that simple fact? She talked to Khalid, felt a seething feeling towards him, and then she realized. She was Estelle. Estelle was surviving in this way and living within Lucifella's body. That was an unchanging fact.

She would avenge Khalid because it was Estelle. That was what made Estelle Estelle.

But to do so, she had to be Lucifella first.

Estelle, who was a knight, had to live like a lady named Lucifella.

Lucifella drew the curtain in the carriage window, and the blue sky caught her eye. It was time for her to enjoy the enlightenment she felt inside herself.

"You look like you're in a good mood, My Lady?"

"Yes."

At Lucifella's smile, Roisa seemed hesitant.

"But then, what happened with the Duke?” she asked.

"Huh?"

"Sorry, I was waiting in the carriage when I heard the Duke's voice.”

“Nothing happened. I just don't think he's sorry.….”

While speaking, Lucifella's face, which had been so indifferent, grew pale.

Her mind flashed back to the kiss. She first initiated kissing him, and Jed had kissed her back. That was what Jed meant by “behaving properly.”

She completely forgot. Lucifella squeezed her skirt, causing it to wrinkle. It was such a big deal!

"Oh, how could I!"

How could she forget that? She even seduced him first and kissed him. Kiss, something she had never done properly before, where did she find the confidence to do that?

Then she remembered Jed, who had left with an angry face. Fortunately, he seemed calm when they met again, but just because he was nonchalant doesn't mean she wasn't ashamed.

"Ugh! Why did I do that?"

"What?"

Lucifella slammed her head against the carriage's window, but Lucifella couldn't raise her head in shame.

"I should have apologized at least…….”

At Lucifella's actions, Roisa began to worry about Her Ladyship again.

‘Is she really becoming crazy?’

For God's sake, Roisa begged again and again.

***

Jed saw the carriage leaving and climbed back onto his horse.

Yiojif

tried to catch up, but

he coldly left the prince behind

. He was glaring at the Duke of Ruirk, Khalid. Khalid's face, always smiling, was stiff. Seeing his hardened face, Jed couldn’t help but raise the corners of his mouth.

His fiancée, Lucifella, had an uncanny knack for giving shit to someone he disliked. His mind was still clouded, but seeing that bastard’s unhappy face made him feel better.

When he heard that Yiojif had left the Imperial Palace, he came here just in case. Fortunately, nothing seemed to have happened, and Lucifella also looked fine, although Lucifella's condition was a little strange.

'She was too normal.’

That was why it was a problem!

Jed frowned.

No, why was she fine? Didn’t she remember?

"I should have apologized at least…….”

She became ill when she couldn't handle the aftermath of the loss of the Crown Prince. She rushed to kiss him when she was out of her mind. Either way, he knew he was a "lonely" substitute when she kissed him. He kissed her with the intention of making fun of her, but that was wrong of him. He could not help but be mesmerized by her kiss. No. Be honest. When Lucifella smiled at him seductively, he was unwittingly attracted to her then.

Bernard said that if a sick person offered 100 gold coins and one took it, then that person was a piece of trash. 

To be a decent person, a man did not need to refuse all woman coming onto him but should refuse a sick woman. He came to his senses when he saw Lucifella being startled. Jed was angrier at himself rather than at Lucifella for not controlling himself, like an animal in heat.

"Crazy,” he murmured. Oddly, however, the glistening eyes at the autumn banquet came to his mind more than her clumsy temptation with a seductive smile. At that time, he couldn't remember what Lucifella was wearing. But those eyes, those two eyes, were strangely remembered.

Like, yes, like…….

Lucifella's eyes were like the eyes of Estelle Superit, the dead knight of Ersha.

"It's crazy!"

How could he compare his fiancée to that great person who became a knight even though she was a woman? No one could find any common ground between those two except for being of the same gender. He shook his head in resignation. The reason the image of Estelle kept popping up may be because it was deeply embedded in his mind. Furthermore, she was dead, so she would probably remain special forever.

Thinking of Estelle, Jed thought of Lucifella again. Anyway, he was relieved that his fiancée, who was affecting him so strangely, was going away. Now, he just hoped that she would stay quietly without causing any trouble at her estate. He drove his horse hard toward his mansion and told himself not to get caught up in an emotion that he couldn't control anymore. 

***

The sound of footsteps treading on shiny marble resonated chillingly in the hallway.

The man's steps were somehow slow. He gazed at the splendid corridor, clearing his cravate on his neck with anxious eyes.

As he approached his destination, he sighed quietly again. This invitation was unwelcome.

A loud voice was leaking out of the narrow gap in the large door, along with a golden light.

When he opened the door and entered it, he saw a young man sitting on a red chair in the middle.

At a glance, the young man sitting with his legs crossed in a relaxed posture was overflowing with his unique arrogance. His face had a twisted smile which had become his permanent symbol.

The young man's eyes were on the man who came in. His face lit up brightly.

"Welcome, Uncle!"

"Greetings to His Majesty, Crown Prince."

The visitor, Duke Aydin, tried to bow at his waist, Temir shook his head.

"You don’t need to greet between us."

Temir waved his hand affectionately and pointed to a chair right next to where he was sitting.

"Please come here."

It was right next to the Crown Prince. Usually, his maternal uncle, Duke Idris, sat next to him, but somehow, today was different. When he looked at Duke Idris nervously, he nodded as if he had agreed.

"Sit down."

Duke Aydin sat in his seat. When he looked around, he saw the 2nd Knights in dark purple uniforms.

"Are you busy with gem mining?”

"It is only a small mine, so what would be there to keep me busy?'

The Crown Prince smiled at the Duke's words. A small gem mine was found on one of the Twin Mountains in Duke Aydin’s estate. The mine, neither small nor large, enriched the poor Duke.

"But I'm always confident that you are helping me financially."

"Your Highness, of course. Although it's a small mine, I'm sure it'll help."

The prince twisted his lips at the calm words.

"Uncle, did Lucy go down to the estate?” Temir said, shaking his legs out of habit and resting his chin on his arm.

"Yes."

"I'm sorry to hear that. That's too bad. I wanted to

see her for a little while before she left.

"

“…….”

"Though I think it's a wise choice. There's a rumor that Lucifella has gone mad,

so

what's the point of staying in the capital any longer? She’ll be nothing but a joke."

He looked down at the Duke and spoke. Others who were in the room laughed softly as if to agree with the Crown Prince. However, there was no change of expression on Duke Aydin's face.

“The poor thing. It must have been very hard for her. Well, it’s not too much, but I am not going to forget,” he giggled as he spoke.

Then there was a woman screaming. The 2

nd

Knights were dragging a woman toward them, dressed in maid's uniform and trembling in fear. Duke Aydin looked perplexed. 

"Oh, excuse me. I told this maid to bring us tea, but she broke the teapot in front of me. I must punish this kind of transgression right away."

The maid's hair was the color of pitch-black night and pretty. When Duke saw her, his expression hardened. He felt uncomfortable with the situation. It was as though….no, he must be mistaken. Duke Aydin shook his head in denial.

“Uncle, please watch this with me. This is my only remaining form of entertainment.”

Giggling, Temir raised his hand and brought down as a signal.

"Please save me. Please save me!"

The maid put her hands together, begging in desperation. However, Temir did not change his expression. He had always enjoyed cruelly abusing those of lesser rank, especially women.

As expected, today was one of those days where the Crown Prince was moody. Duke Aydin tried to keep a calm composure and looked around him. Duke Idris was looking at the maid blankly, while Count Bavand was frozen with fear, and Count Poerre was smiling gleefully, displaying his sadistic excitement openly.

Soon, the 2

nd

Knights began hitting the maid with a whip with expressionless faces.

Slash. Slash. The sound of the flying whip cut into the air.

“Ahhh! Save me! Please save me!” She let out a huge scream. The strong whips slashed into her body mercilessly. With just one stroke, the maid’s clothes got torn.

The whipping continued several more times.

"Do it harder!" Temir's face turned grotesque with a sadistic expression.

“Uncle, can you hear that? Listen to that weird sound she makes. Later, she will make an animal sound too!”

Temir looked at the poor maid with his eyes glassy green, shining with excitement. At the stronger whipping, the maid stopped making any sounds. For a long time, the palace room of the Crown Prince Temir was filled only with the soft moaning sounds from the dying maid. Temir turned his head towards Duke Aydin right next to him, and Duke Aydin felt his uncomfortable gaze. Those serpent-like eyes were glowing with glee and seemed to be examining the Duke's reaction.

Duke Aydin tried to hide his jittery feeling as he was watching the poor maid. Then, he noticed that Duke Ruirk was missing. Usually during this kind of meeting he was always present.

‘Where did he go?’ His worried eyes turned back to the maid’s beating. As the Crown Prince said, the maid was no longer making any human sounds but howling like an animal just before being shred to pieces. Blood and flesh splattered everywhere.

“I will show you something more interesting next. Are you looking forward to it?”

Duke Aydin thought the Crown Prince was about to start again and sighed inwardly.

***

"Are you sleeping?"

"She’s sleeping," Viscount Matty, the estate caretaker, said, looking at Roisa. She shrugged her shoulders and sighed.

Lucifella had dozed off in the carriage during the days coming down to the estate and collapsed upon arrival.

Everyone in the castle worked so hard in decorating to greet Her Ladyship, who hadn't visited for nearly ten years. However, they were disappointed because she did not come out of her bedroom and slept through several days.

"Well, at least now she is sleeping comfortably."

“Wasn’t she before? Seeing that she is sleeping now, it seems she has no trouble sleeping.”

Roisa shook her head.

“Since the accident she hasn’t been able to sleep well.”

When she observed Lucifella's expression, it seemed that she was always frowning, whether sick or not, as though she hated to sleep.

"But I'm glad she is sleeping really deeply this time."

Although she had a slight fever, Lucifella was sleeping with a relaxed face, different from before.

"I hope Her Ladyship likes this estate."

"Her Ladyship will like it."

Viscount Matty wondered at the sureness of Roisa because Her Ladyship that he had observed before was sure to hate this place.

'She must have changed a lot since you said she had lost her memory.’

The serene appearance of the maids told him that there would not be any big problems like he had expected.

****

"Oh, I slept well!"

While stretching, Lucifella held her waist with a groan as she stretched herself so hard that she heard a crackling sound from her waist.

This body was so weak that it was a miracle that she had survived when she met the murderer.

Being in the carriage was so suffocating that she had wanted to ride the horse, but she couldn't do it. Her body was too weak to handle even the long ride in the carriage.

Therefore, when she arrived, Lucifella was almost half dead. She did not have any time to look around the castle, let alone the entire estate.

She just wanted to quickly finish the greetings and go straight to sleep comfortably in bed.

‘If Liam saw me like this, he would laugh his head off again.’

It was not a three-night-three-day horseriding march, but merely a carriage trip that caused her to collapse. Lucifella sighed. She must have slept for three days in a row. She got up from the bed, tapping on her throbbing waist.

With peace of mind now, her sleep naturally increased. When her identity became clear, she was able to accept the rest demanded by this body.

Lucifella looked around the room. Unlike the splendid mansion, this was undoubtedly a humble place. The mansion in the capital made her eyes hurt from the flashing gold colors everywhere.  

In any case, they must have hurriedly tried to prepare for her arrival, for the blanket was rather colorful, but the entire castle was

worn-looking.

She got up from her bed, feeling refreshed, although she would get sick again if she tried even to walk a little bit.

Lucifella opened the door and went outside, and the maids ran to her in amazement.

"Oh, My Lady!"

"My Lady!"

The maids in the castle were completely different from the maids Lucifella saw as a child.

Wait. What did it mean, ‘Totally different maids?’

It seemed that Lucifella’s memory of the castle remained.

"Oh, my God, My Lady!"

The maids from the capital rushed toward her and surrounded Lucifella, ahead of the castle maids.

‘What is it?’ Lucifella looked at the maids as her maids from the capital tried to give her signals with their eyes. Then she realized. It was like watching the knights squabble.

Of course,

the knights selected by capital aristocrats and those chosen by local aristocrats differed in their levels. Still, knights from families famous for their martial arts fought when they encountered the capital knights, saying their status was not different from that of the capital.

It was the same here as it was there. Lucifella shook her head.