So here I was. Sitting right across from the person who almost killed me. The same person who kept telling me she should have gotten an abortion. The woman who beat the absolute shit out of me—a child, mind you—just because some guy was railing her and I thought she was getting hurt. Oh, yeah. There was a lot of shit I wanted to say. But I wasn’t even mad about her asking for forgiveness. I was mad about something entirely different, which is why I just looked at her with so much cold disinterest.
“Well...” she stammered, looking at her lap. “I know this might be awkward—”
“Awkward, huh?” I interrupted. “That’s the best thing you can come up with? After eighteen years of being away from you, my very first visitor in prison just has to be you of all people?”
She started nervously fiddling with her fingers. “I know that I’m the very last person you want to see... But I never thought you’d turn out to be a killer, Rico. Deep down, I guess I knew you were capable of it after seeing what you did to my client back in the day. But despite all of that, I found out that you were actually quite successful growing up.”
“Yes, I was,” I said, leaning back. “I graduated college with my Master’s, and I had a very successful, independent career. I also made sure to not get any girls pregnant in the process, too. You know, trying not to make any mistakes that I’d have to blame my own issues on later.”
Her shoulders slumped. “Yeah... I deserve that.”
“You deserve way more than that,” I said, my voice flat. “And that’s putting it as nicely as possible. So, what do you want?”
“I came seeking forgiveness,” she whispered, tears finally starting to run down her wrinkled face. “I know I did some terrible, downright evil shit. But I came to make it right. Not just with myself, but with you.”
I shook my head, letting out a dry chuckle. “No. No, you didn’t come to make it right with me. Not at all. You know what I think? I think you found out you were dying, and you didn’t want your soul to burn in hell. So you wanted to make everything right with the one person you wronged the most in your entire existence. Your own son.”
“But I really did come to make amends with you,” she sobbed, clutching her chest. “I just wanted to make everything right... I know it’s selfish, but—”
“It is selfish,” I snapped, cutting her off. “It’s so selfish of you to ask for forgiveness like it’s even possible. Matter of fact, you don’t even know how selfish you’re being right now. It shows in the very first words that came out of your mouth the moment you saw me.”
She blinked, her wet eyes looking confused. “I... I don’t understand?”
“You never said sorry,” I said, pointing a finger at her. “The first words out of your mouth were, 'Please... please forgive me, Rico. Don’t let me die knowing I ruined your life before it even started.' If you were truly remorseful, I shouldn’t have to tell you to say sorry.”
She winced, hating that I was right. She sat there in silence, finally accepting that she had no right to ask for forgiveness from me. She knew she wouldn’t have forgiven someone who tried to kill her, either.
And then, the dam finally broke. Hot, angry tears started spilling over my eyelids.
“You were a terrible mother,” I choked out, my voice shaking with years of buried pain. “You deserve so much worse than what’s happening to you. You had a child who loved you unconditionally. Back when I was eight, I actually tried to defend you and bond with you after everything you did to me. And yet, I’m the one sitting behind bars in an orange jumpsuit.”
You were a piece of shit for most of your life. You spent years sleeping around with random men just because your own father wasn’t there and you had no proper male figure in your life. And then when you got pregnant, you projected all your hatred of men onto me. Just because I looked so much like my father, you treated me like an animal. And then, two years after the court case—the exact same day I told you I’d kill you if I ever saw you again—you met a man named Thomas. He treated you right. And y’all had two other kids.
I let out a harsh, bitter laugh.
“So, what? I’m just the older brother who ain’t shit now? The first-draft mistake? The fuck-up who has to rot in a cage while your new family lives happily ever after?”
“NO!” she screamed, her voice cracking as she sobbed. “No, Rico, please...”
She gripped her chest, her body shaking as she looked at me through her tears.
“Every time I look in the mirror, I am disgusted,” she wept. “I am so disgusted at the person I was. I did all of this horrible shit to my only son. You’re sitting here in prison, and I’m living a comfortable life with a good husband. It makes me sick. I look at my reflection every single day and I hate myself.”
Before the guard could even warn her to stay on her side of the table, she stood up, walked over, and wrapped her frail arms around me. She held me tight, crying hysterically into my shoulder, repeating the word
sorry
over and over again like a prayer. She held me like she wanted to physically reach into the past and take all of it back.
But she couldn’t.
She couldn’t change the past. All she could do now was try to make the future better for the children she had left.
“Ma’am, you’re not allowed to make physical contact with the inmates,” the guard barked from the doorway, his hand reaching toward his belt.
I hate you... I hate you, I hate you!
my second voice roared, clawing desperately at the inside of my head.
This is emotional manipulation to the tee! After eighteen years, you just can’t hug somebody and expect everything to be forgiven—
I felt my face getting warm and wet.
No... NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
the voice went wild, practically screaming.
DON’T CRY! DO NOT FUCKIN' CRY FOR THIS WOMAN! AFTER EVERYTHING SHE PUT US THROUGH, YOU’RE DEADASS GONNA ACCEPT THIS?!
I grabbed her shoulders, my grip tight as I held her against me.
“I never hated you, Mom…” I choked out.
She pulled back slightly, her tear-stained eyes looking up at me. “You didn’t?”
“I really wanted to,” I sobbed, the tears pouring down my face now. “I tried for years. Everybody I’ve ever met told me I shouldn’t forgive you. But I know deep down in my soul... I could never bring myself to hate you. God, I wanted to. I really, really wanted to... but I can’t. FUCK…”
My forehead dropped onto her shoulder, and I just started breaking down, my body shaking with the weight of eighteen years of buried grief. We just sat there at the steel table, crying together.
“I’m sorry, baby…” she wept, her weak arms wrapping around my back. “I’m so sorry.”
“I know…” I whispered, my voice cracked and broken. “I know. I forgive you.”
So this is what parental validation feels like?
It took a long-ass time, but I finally understand it.
It actually feels pretty good.
After the guard led me back to our cell, I sat on my bunk, my mind completely spinning. I ended up telling Mujahid everything about my mother’s visit—about the tears, the forgiveness, and the fact that I actually have a younger brother and sister out there now.
But even though it felt good to let it out, a cynical side of me was still fighting it.
“I don’t know, Mujahid,” I sighed, staring down at my hands. “Part of me still doesn’t believe she’s actually capable of changing. People like that... they usually just stay broken.”
Mujahid stopped what he was doing and looked up at me, his eyes calm but piercing.
“Brother Rico, if you truly believe that people are incapable of change, then that has to apply to you, too,” he said.
I frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means we have both done our own fair share of terrible things in this life,” Mujahid said, gesturing around our concrete cell. “I took twenty-seven lives. You just took one. But Nathan Rosario was an evil, predatory man. Does killing an evil man make
you
an evil person? Are you a monster forever because of your worst day?”
I didn’t answer.
“If you deny her the ability to change,” Mujahid continued, his voice soft but unyielding, “then you deny it for yourself, too. You have to believe in redemption, Rico. Otherwise, we’re both just rotting in this cage for nothing.”