After I get myself cleaned up, I finally take a second to think about what happened tonight.
I killed one of my own underlings, just because I was impatient. I let myself slip into her arms, into the Iron Maiden’s arms, and this is what happened. I can’t let it stand anymore. My heart trembling, I march into the bathroom and stare at the mirror, and sure enough my personal demon, the Maiden, appears behind me. “Why, how could you do that to him!? He didn’t even betray us! And you felt nothing of it, you monster!”
‘I know you didn’t like what happened back there,’ The Maiden smiles. ‘But I did what was necessary to end our suffering.’
Our
suffering!? As if someone so unfeeling could suffer to begin with!
‘Oh, and just remember...’
‘You are we.’
In the split second before she vanishes, I notice something mundane but terrible; her face changed again.
It’s the exact same as mine.
The realization hits me like a gunshot as I let myself lean back, into the wall, slowly sliding down. My heart sinks as I stare at my own hands in horror. All this time, I’ve been letting her take the blame, telling myself that she’s a completely different entity, kicking the can down the road, but that’s not really true. She’s just…
me
, the parts of me I kept denying while hoping I could make things better. Understanding that, I’m looking at just what I’ve become these past few days; ruthless, uncaring and cruel, with no respect for human life.
All the things I didn’t want to be
, I think to myself as I fail to hold back the tears, choking out a sob. The grief is almost as overwhelming as it was back in my dream, but to have it happen in this world felt so much worse.
I finally open my eyes as a dark realization creeps up in my mind. I’ve killed someone for being a terrible person before; it was the inciting incident that led me to flee my old home and come to Halych, and I think I’ve somehow become even worse than that person. The darkest part of that realization is how I’m supposed to fix that. I force myself to stand, walking over to my swords, gripping my wakizashi and pulling the saya off, tossing it aside as I walk back over to the couch, letting my weight drop into the seat as I set the edge against my throat.
I try to muster up the courage to do it, as my hand shakes from the grief of it all, that distant voice pleading louder than before as the rest of me stares in revulsion at my previous conduct. All I wanted to do was make the world a better place by being a better person, but I can’t even manage that. The true question that could help me decide my fate was…
Am I making this world a worse place?
As I dwell on it, I realize I wasn’t able to answer it. I just didn’t know for sure. As much as I cursed myself for my sudden cowardice, I still hesitate, and the pleas for mercy from that distant part of me get louder.
“Fuck. I can’t… I can’t even.” My voice trembles as I admit my faults to myself, before I pull the edge from my neck, letting the wakizashi drop to the floor with a clatter, curling up on the couch and giving myself time to brood. Before I know it, I’ve let darkness take me softly into the night.