Chapter 4 - Decisions

   I really didn't talk about the news Mike had brought to me. Not at first. When Panic tried to gently bring it up a couple times, I equally gently stopped him each time. Finally, getting ready for bed he tried yet again. Gently, but still doing it. I grabbed him rough by the chin, the way I sometimes do. It doesn't necessarily mean I'm mad, its just something I do at times. This, was just one such time.

   "I said I wanted time to think about it. Then? I said I wanted to sleep on it."

   "I, uh… thought sleep on it, was just… you know. A phrase."

   "I guess it sometimes is. This time, though? I said, I want to sleep on it. I meant? I'll sleep on it."

   "Okay. Its your thing."

   "Look. I'm not… mad at you, or anything like that. Just… wait. I'll sleep on it. Literally. Maybe in the morning. Okay?"

   He just nodded, then added to it quietly.

   "Sure."

   I searched his eyes.

   "Okay."

   He didn't initiate sex with me, and I didn't either. Falling asleep, I addressed that.

   "Look. About… us. Now. I don't want you thinking, that---"

   "Hey. You got horrible news. Like I expect you to swing from the chandeliers. I understand. This is a… mood killer. Wouldn't want you to do it, just to do it."

   "Hmm. Thanks."

   In the morning? I wanted my shower first. Then? I wanted dressed first. Next thing you know, I wanted diner breakfast ritual. First. I realized, I was quickly turning into Uncle Mike on this issue. I didn't want to put this off forever. I told him that after breakfast? Would probably or most likely? Actually mean, after breakfast.

   I slightly extended that to after out of the diner.

   "Honey? You working at the toy store today, or the range, or…"

   "I was thinking, maybe the range. Finally move that dirt around. Screen the lead out. Do you… want some alone time? Or… you tell me."

   "Oh. I guess I'll tag along to the range. If you don't mind."

   "When have I ever minded."

   He got the old wheel loader out and around. It took about an hour or a little more, to move all the big piles of dirt from behind the targets on the range he was working on. He brought dirt from another pile in and remade the backstop dirt piles. He was going to start screening the piles he removed, when I told him I was "probably" ready. We were alone, but made sure.

   "Its your deal, Merry. You start."

   "Well? What do you think, that I'm thinking."

   "I can't read minds. I don't have psychology degrees. I'd just ask."

   "Take a wild guess. Would you?"

   "You're thinking…"

   "Revenge. Justice. Vengeance. Karma. Call it whatever you want. That? Is what I'm thinking."

   He waited a few moments.

   "He didn't… kill him. He just…"

   "He was as dirty as those other cops in that shitty little town. He didn't exactly try to talk the guy that did it? Out of it. He just kinda said… go for it."

   He just nodded.

   "Do… you have your heart set on this, then."

   "Pretty much. I always knew this day would come. He'd get out eventually. Honestly? I was kinda hoping a cop in prison might get shank-ed, but… no such luck there."

   "So. You've… thought about this before."

   "I have. Many, many times. I promised myself? I'd get him. Now? He's out. So. There you go."

   "Are you sure, that---"

   "Panic? If someone was even remotely involved, with killing me? What would you do."

   He looked off for a bit before answering.

   "Actually? We already know that. Don't we."

   "Yeah. Well, that was different. That night in DC? He came for you too, even if he didn't know you were there. You said that made it… personal. This? Was before you were thought of. This technically has nothing to do with you. This is my thing."

   "If you say so. Counterpoint?"

   "Go ahead. You don't need my permission, to speak."

   "I know that you… believe. What you believe. About him, me."

   "Yeah. I do. I'm not ashamed of it. Look, honey. Part of me thinks, maybe… its some kind of defense mechanism. That, I believe that."

   "And the other part?"

   "Hmm. I guess the other part, actually believes it."

   "Well. Going by what you believe. Wouldn't… I want revenge, on the guy that was in on my… murder. Christ, how that sounds, but, you know what I mean."

   "You don't have to be involved with this."

   "Why don't you just let me handle it… professionally."

   "Remember the night of the dirty dozen?"

   "Yeah."

   "You said, it was personal. This? This… is personal."

   He paused.

   "I understand if you want to go that route. I would caution you though. The old saying. When you set out for revenge? First dig two graves. You have to be careful. I honestly think, you should just… let me handle this."

   "He took something from me. Not you. Like I said. Its personal."

   He waited a little bit.

   "I would suggest? Taking your time. Make sure. Then… plan it. Thoroughly. I wouldn't go off half cocked and do it in hot blood."

   "No. Of course not. I want to do it right."

   "Take your time. Take a lot of it. Don't rush it. No real timetable on it, there's no clock ticking. Right?"

   "Yeah. I agree."

   "Good. Uh…"

   "What?"

   "This… guy. He's… the only one, right? You don't have some kind of… a list that---"

   "No. Nothing like that. Just him. They arrested two dirty cops. On the conspiracy. This one? Had the… bad texts about the whole deal."

   "And the other one…"

   I sighed.

   "He… didn't want any part of that. He didn't think it was a good idea. So? He was found… not guilty. Of conspiracy to commit his murder. So. It's just him."

   He nodded.

   "Take your time thinking this through, Merry. I really mean that. Before? You, me… we were… reacting, to the situation. This isn't really, reacting. This… is acting. If you know what I mean. You might think this way now? Then, after a while… I don't want you to find out later on down the line, that you made a mistake. This isn't the best road to go down."

   "I promise. I'll… take a good bit of time. To make sure."

   "All I ask. Now. As far as help goes…"

   "Hmm. My badge, my job? Worthless for this. I can't even ask the bikers for help. Because Merry doesn't have anything against this guy. That could lead to someone somehow figuring out that Merry was…"

   "Just as well. The less people in on something like this? The better. You don't want just anyone, having something over your head like this."

   "I agree."

   He went back to screening his dirt. I walked around nearby. Just… thinking. He was right. I should make sure, and not make a rash decision. I did wait a good long time, before I brought it up again. To his credit? He didn't ask once about the whole affair, during this time period. I suppose I can't be sure, if he was simply respecting my time deciding or if he was hoping I decided against it as a momentary rash thought.

   I never asked.