Chapter 16 - Fighting a Ghost

   I had fallen asleep, playing my little movie in front of my eyes. He smiles and shrugs. What can you do, you know? I woke up, and it was the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes.

   I know I'm damaged. I'm one of the walking wounded. Traumatized. PTSD permanent image burned into me for life. Unlike most people though, and by that I mean of course people with this condition? I don't live with it. I live for it.

   I smile a little, and tell him good morning, and that I love him. I just mouth the words, I know he can hear me. I sat up. Panic had left me a note.

   "Morning honey. I wanted to do something early at the range. Won't take me long. I'll be back in a little bit, or you can come find me there. Hope you're feeling better. Love, Panic."

   Below the Panic at the end? The little cartoon insignia of a colonel's rank. Colonel Panic is his nickname, its a play on words of some old computer term. He's so much like Wiz? Its both comforting and scary. There's a white lily he left on top of the Shakespeare book. A lily? Is a flower you send to a funeral.

   I'm so fucked up, its unreal. I'm in love with essentially a ghost. A real one, that I can see with the slightest fleeting thought of him. I honestly can't shake the impression that Panic is his reincarnation, or that when they restarted his heart down at the equator? He passed over briefly and a piece of Wizzy came back with him and in him.

   I read once, that under attainment of enlightenment, true and complete enlightenment? You now have the uncanny ability to hold two diametrically opposed thoughts or ideals in your mind, together at once. Both are true, and both contradict one another.

   I know I'm damaged, and I also know I'm fine.

   A part of me knows this belief is self delusion, another part? Knows its true.

   People can't come back from the dead, to love or to take revenge. Its crazy.

   The coincidences are too many and too profound, and more people believe in reincarnation around the world than not. In those places? I'm the sane one for believing it, the people that don't believe in it are the crazy weirdos.

   I'm in love with a ghost. I couldn't try not to be, not that I'd want to even attempt it. How would you even fight a ghost? You can't. You can't kill a ghost, they're already dead. A ghost can kill you, though. Those guys all but put Wizzy in his grave at Arlington? And from the moment they came back and stepped too near to it… it was if he had come back for them and had his revenge.

   I feel funny. I don't feel like myself. Everything is strange and slightly unreal seeming. I must be coming down with a touch of something.

   He's home. Looking at the clock? I slept in a little more than usual. Then, it hit me like a sledgehammer. I just slept through the night. I never do that. I get 4 hours, up a while. Then the second 4 hour shift. I just… incredibly? Slept the whole night through. And a little more, I'm looking at the clock as proof.

   I must be coming down sick. I feel funny, everything seems… weird. I slept over eight hours through, and then some. I must be falling ill.

   "Morning, honey. You see my note?"

   "Thanks. I thought the lily, was a nice touch."

   "Glad you get it."

   "You get done whatever you wanted to get to?"

   "Sure. Figured we can spend the day together."

   "Okay. I'm not sure I'm gonna… I think I'm coming down with something."

   "Aw. You… what do you want, then."

   "I feel… warm. My stomach, I don't know."

   "I'll get you a couple Ibuprofen. If your stomach hurts, it might help some. Its a mild fever reducer, if you're warm."

   He got me a glass of water, and a couple Ibuprofen. I swallowed them, and drank most of the water.

   "I was gonna say lets go to the diner, but if you don't feel good. On you."

   I want ritual. Diner ritual? I don't feel like eating. But some ritual, that would help. It always does. I know.

   "How about a shower. You were working, right?"

   "Sure. Come on."

   He took my hand, and we went and did the shower ritual. I get soaped up, and scrubbed. Moisturized, the body scrub. Hair brushed back carefully after the hair moisturizer? One of my favorites. The oiling, the rinsing. I like leaning back and getting dried off carefully. Pampered, like royalty. I told him no tub, not up to it.

   I told him I'm going to lay down, go to the diner without me for once. He asked if I wanted a doggy bag? I shook my head no, but thanked him for the offer. He finally tucked me in, and made sure it was okay if he left.

   Before he checked a final time, I saw him studying my face.

   "I'd ask if you feel okay, but you said you think you're getting sick, so…"

   "What."

   "I don't know. Can't put my finger on it. Maybe… you're eyes? Look a little. Funny. But, you're sick, so. No big deal. You sure you don't want me to---"

   "Go. I'm a big girl, I'll be fine."

   "All right. I'll be back. Love you."

   "I love you too. See you."

   He left. I don't know why I felt that stab in the guts feeling, while exchanging our I love you's. But whatever. Maybe I got a short nap. Maybe I just laid there, in and out of it not really asleep and not really awake. I don't really know, I'm not completely sure.

   What I am sure of? That strange sensation, was growing little bit by little bit. Creeping up and taking a hold of me. Then, the stabs of… the hell even is this…

   I felt my cheek, something on it. A tiny bug? The side of my hand had a slight wetness. My eye was… watering? Allergies, maybe. But I hardly ever get any. Then I blinked, and my other eye watered a little, too.

   I was flabbergasted. I was… crying? Wow. I haven't cried, since… I haven't been able to, since… then it came. The guts feeling. A shiver went over me. Up and down my spine. I felt warm and cold at the same time. I was actually crying. It was scary and quite a novelty at the same time.

   I laid down, and… well? I cried. It came and rose, and came in waves. Sobs came and wracked through me. It went back down to just the wet eyes, then again. Eventually, it was just a moist eyes and the occasional tear.

   It was everything else that was bad now. I felt… then it hit me. I was… it couldn't be. I was… feeling? And I didn't have to qualify it as anything. Strange as it was, I seemed to be having… feelings. Emotions? I guess that's what it was. What the hell.

   I took stock of my situation. I was warm. I'm not 40 yet. I'm not capable of actually feeling emotions, this has to have some rational explanation. Maybe… early menopause? Maybe that slight warm was what they called a hot flash. Hormones changing and adjusting up and down, maybe that's what this was. Then, it started to get worse. I closed my eyes, and wrapped my body around another pillow I hugged onto. I had to try to ride this out… whatever this roller coaster even truly was, to see it through and gone.