Chapter 5 - Two Graves

   We were laying in bed, lazing around after getting up a little early. I simply turned to look him in the eyes.

   "Thanks for giving me time to… think about it. And not, you know. Rushing me, or bringing it up."

   He paused.

   "You said it, and you were right about it. Its your decision. I guess you've decided."

   I nodded.

   "I'd ask which way you went with it, but I'm pretty sure I can guess. I'll ask anyways."

   "Anyone that had anything to do with his death."

   He gave a little nod.

   "And this is the only one."

   "Yeah."

   "Okay. Do you want… my advice. Help. Whatever."

   "I do."

   "All right. I'll start off? By saying I don't judge you for it. There is morality to it? But… not like most people's common ideas about it."

   "Go on. I like… philosophy."

   "We were both raised Catholic. We both… moved on to something else. Philosophy, spirituality. We both know why, too."

   "Because religion is for people that are afraid of going to hell. Spirituality is for people that have already been there."

   "Yeah. I know I've said it before. There's plenty of stone cold killers in the bible. The act of taking a human life, is not necessarily wrong. In our religion we were raised with, Catholicism. What would you think you're supposed to do, if you have a brother. You? Are a good person. He… is a drunken fool. You're embarrassed he's rolling around in the gutter every night."

   "Try to help him. Forgive him."

   "Exactly. The Mormon bible? Same situation. The good brother? Is looking down at the drunken one. Rolling around unable to walk, after a night of wine and whores at his feet. He's overcome with disgust, and takes his sword, and cuts the drunken brother's head off. Unable to stand and even remotely defend himself."

   "That's… harsh."

   "I know. I was kind of expecting… that brother? To… get a lecture, pay some penalty. God's wrath, something."

   "But?"

   He paused.

   "Never came. Apparently, its okay to kill your brother. If he… doesn't do what you think is right. If you're embarrassed by his behavior. Not like I'm in love with every word in my own bible I was raised with? That bible… I took more issues with it. That, was one of them."

   "Thou shalt not kill."

   "It was actually? Thou shall not commit murder. Self defense. Revenge, vengeance. Combat… all fine. Most religions? Have some aspect of when killing isn't wrong. Common, everyday people. They realize this too. You want an example?"

   "Sure."

   "You kill the convenience store clerk, because you're an addict, and you need that register money. That's clearly wrong."

   "Sure."

   "Now. Some whack a doodle, kills your own child. Honestly? Just about everyone, on some level, understands if you go out in hot blood and take him out. Even us. When your life was on the line? I not only don't hesitate. I even… lets say I once erred on the side of caution."

   I nodded.

   "So. Its not like I don't understand. I don't judge you for it."

   He paused. I waited.

   "I said it before. I'll say it again. When you set out for revenge? First dig two graves. It should be important enough? That you're willing to risk your own life, to take theirs. Example. The parent, going after the person that killed their child. The husband, taking out the guy that killed his wife. Both are willing to die, to see it through. If it comes down to it. Is this… the level, of…"

   I didn't hesitate.

   "Yes. I'd trade my own life, to take his."

   Another pause.

   "And… you don't think you have a death wish."

   "I don't think so, no."

   "Well. I obviously understand the motives. Mind if I continue?"

   "Go on."

   "Are you… how do I ask this. Do you think this will make you feel better? Don't get hung up on the word feel. You know what I mean."

   "Well. I'm not doing it to try to make myself feel any worse. Not trying to be a smart ass about it."

   "That's fine. I'll put it another way. In combat. There's members of the other team. That one, right there? Its a military objective. He needs to go."

   "Sure."

   "Well. You have an objective. You just need a certain result. How or why, doesn't figure into it. Problem? Solution. Its what I would call… being professional about it."

   "You want me to be… professional about it."

   "I'm not telling you, I'm asking. Pretty sure I once talked about this. The time came? I was done with being professional. I wanted an eye for an eye. Now, there was a military objective there as well. Your enemy has to fear you. But… that wasn't it. It was personal. I'm not ashamed, but… I'm not proud of it, either. So. I'm not telling. I'm asking. I know its personal. Does… how, or… how long it takes? Enter into it. Are you… wanting to… make a statement, send a message. Or? Just… you have an objective. However that's best accomplished, fine."

   I thought about it.

   "The objective? Comes first. If I have a choice? An eye for an eye, at the very least. I'm not above… more."

   "You need to get it done. If he suffers? Its a… lets call it a bonus."

   "I guess. Yeah."

   He sighed.

   "I can tell you this. Its the voice of experience. Do you want to hear about this?"

   I nodded yes.

   "All right. I'm young. We know I was a weird young kid. I freely admit it. When… a boy is young, maybe getting picked on, all that jazz. You… I wouldn't exactly call it a fantasy, but… your fondest wish? Is to hurt people. That are hurting you. Its very basic, its very normal. But, that's what you yearn to do. Hurt… them… back. You can understand this, right?"

   "Sure. Anyone can."

   "Yeah. One day? There was one kid doing it, with two others. They were all egging each other on, giving me the shits. Eventually, the one threw this basketball, just fired it at me. I'm riding past on my bicycle. This… basketball? It whops me right in the face and head. Knocks me off my bike, I get all skinned up. I mean, this is the funniest thing ever, this is entertainment, you know? For them."

   "Is it mean? Yes. Does it happen? Yeah. Its… just one of those things."

   "I had been getting mad, and… I freaked. I call it, doing a caveman. Jumping around, screaming, yelling… the whole nine yards. This? Is even more entertaining. For them. Now, I didn't even really know how to fight yet. Not really. My only move? Get them in a headlock. And… I didn't even know how to do that right. I guess that kid really didn't know how to fight either. I just thought he did, or whatever. I started swinging on him, like any kid. Windmills?"

   He made me giggle, imitating how amateurs threw playground punches.

   "But… I'm landing. On his face. I guess I stunned him, and kept swinging… some old lady came out, this is going down in her yard, she's yelling. She called me all kinds of hateful shit, because I now got this kid down, and I'm going to town on his face… blood everywhere."

   "How did it turn out?"

   "Stitches. Broken nose. Split lips. Black raccoon eyes. One shut, the other half shut. I'm right handed, so his left eye was shut."

   "You get in trouble?"

   "We didn't do… the police thing. It was a weird place and time. Kids were practically supposed to fight. If your boy couldn't fight? You weren't good parents or something. Now, this kid? He was two years younger than me. But, he was way taller and heavier. His dad came down to my house, I guess he wanted to see the older kid that put a job on his kid. Figured I was older, bigger… I wasn't. No real trouble, but, that wasn't the point."

   "Well. What was the point, then."

   "Well? Didn't I just get my fondest wish? My… fantasy. It came true. I beat up a bigger kid that was always picking on me. Bad, too. It… didn't make me feel better. It didn't… really solve anything, not really. Oh, it stopped that one kid from doing it. But… there's 19 other kids doing it. Nothing stopped, nothing really changed. Any… oh, wow, I won? Went away in no time."

   "You… felt bad you hurt him."

   "Hmm. Not then, I didn't. Years later? Yeah… I felt a little bad. And not because I hurt him, per se. What I realized years later? He wasn't doing anything that bizarre. Boys pick on other boys. Its normal. I mean, any boy gets picked on by… say three other boys. Its normal. But… people don't realize, there might be 19 other kids doing what you're doing? He didn't… realize that."

   "So. There's… a simple moral to it, and… a deeper one."

   "The simple moral. I got my wish, my… fantasy? Didn't make me feel better. Didn't change anything. I had to find a way to stop 29 other kids from doing it, too. Stopping one? Was about pointless. But, keeping it simple. Are you so sure, that this is going to make you feel better? Five years later."

   "Me, and that word… feel…"

   "I know. Best word I can use. On some level? The guy that killed him, the one cop there, you said it. They… killed him back. An eye for an eye. I found out? Taking revenge, getting that long term wish, or fantasy? Didn't make me feel any better. Not really."

   "Hmm. So… how do you feel about it all now?"

   "Told you before, I'll tell you more. In the long term, the way I came to view everything later on? Without knowing it… those kids all doing that? Gave me a great gift. It made me want to become… tough. Strong. Able to fight. You can win the fight with me? You'll lose the war, if you really piss me off. I'll take it all to the whole next level, if I have to."

   "But… you don't feel bad, when you hurt people. That hurt you."

   "Not at all. In the long run? I was simply… finally sending bad karma back. Perfectly fine."

   "I'm just sending bad karma back, where it belongs. Right?"

   He sighed lightly.

   "Yes. That part, in and of itself? Is fine. The simple direct thing? I'm okay with it."

   "Then… what's your… long take on my situation."

   "Those kids… I learned to send bad karma back, finally. I didn't call it that till later, but that's what it was. But remember. In the end? Those bad karma kids? Gave me that great gift. It all made me what I became. Now. I realize, this doesn't exactly apply to your situation. This isn't kid's playground bullshit, kiddie pool. This? Is playing for keeps, we're in the deep end now. My kid shit, was the merry go round. This stuff with you? This, is the big scary roller coaster. But underneath it all? What happened… it did make you into something. I love you, and love what you are. Can you see, some of that?"

   Now I sighed.

   "Sort of."

   "Hmm. Kinda thought you were gonna haul off and slug me. Maybe, I can push it and say something else, then."

   "If you really want punched? Go for it."

   "This man. That got killed. Did it not lead directly, to… you? Becoming an FBI agent. Doing what you did, cleaning out the bad agents like no one else could. You ended up… the dirty dozen, city DC force thing? Do you have any idea, how many people you helped? How many people in the past, that you took revenge for. How many people in the future, you prevented it from that or even worse happening to them. None of that? Happened… without him getting killed."

   I stared at him. He shrugged. He spoke very softly.

   "If you want to slug me a couple times? Go ahead. I won't even stop you. Get it out of your system."

   "No…"

   "Now. You? Tell me. When we can continue talking. If you want to think about this, the way I just put it."

   Christ. He had a way of looking at everything in such a strange way. Wow. He was saying basically, what Wiz had said to me, dying in front of me. Honey? This was done for a reason. The universe wants to make you into something. Just accept it, and go with it. And if you do? I'll come back, and we'll do something even greater next time.

   Its times like this, I wish to god I could bawl and cry, but I can't. I can't really feel that hurt, yet… I can detect that its there. The hurt I'm not feeling? I know where it comes from. The worst part was? He was completely right. Its like he really did come back to me, I did let the universe make me into what it wanted. We did do… something bigger and grander and way more important than one dirty little town. We took on an entire dirty city force, and made things right.

   My dead fiancee, my Wizzy? Was like some sort of law enforcement Christ figure. He got killed by the dirty cop in that small town. And all the ignorant fool accomplished? Was set into motion an entire city force getting cleaned out. He said to wait, until I wanted to continue talking about this. So I waited some.

   I… did feel a little better, seeing it all like that. I ended up waiting longer than I planned on, before I spoke back to him.

   "My first impulse? Was to get mad at you, but… you're right. I… feel better. Looking at it all. Like that. That… way of seeing it."

   "Okay."

   "Is it all right, if I still want to kill him?"

   "Oh. Sure. I don't feel bad I hurt that bigger kid that day. I just sent bad karma back where it was coming from. Its perfectly fine. Its just not good to work in bad karma, from a place like that. From… hate, anger, revenge. You're supposed to… rise above that. See that big picture. See how that horrible thing done that day? Set great things into motion and made them happen. Like… one light switch gets flicked, but… the whole stadium lights up. Now. You're calmer, you feel better about it all. That? Is the place you work from."

   "I'm an agent of karma. I have to be pure. Of mind, body, spirit."

   He looked at me and cocked his head.

   "Yeah. I was worried if I put it like that, it would sound like a fortune cookie. And I would get that punch in the mouth out of you."

   "No. He… was big on karma. You know that, I've told you before. After he was gone? I read books on it, so I could see what he was into."

   "See, before? You were mad, and angry. You probably wanted to rush into it. That's not good. You should be calm, knowing you have the moral high ground. We take our time. We plan it. Thoroughly. All right?"

   "Okay."

   "Good girl."

   "Do… I have to make it quick, and painless. Professional."

   He waited.

   "You can. You don't have to, though. Its a karma debt. Its accrued… interest. Now. Simply killing someone? That's one thing. You know what's worse than just killing them?"

   "Hmm. Making them suffer."

   "Well. Even worse than that."

   "What…"

   "Fear of death? Is worse than death itself."

   "Knowing its coming. Is worse, than the end."

   "Definitely. For sure. Down at the equator? The guys drowned me. I had to let them. Then, they brought me back. Asked if they could do it again. When I agreed? They were tickled pink. I died. My heart stopped. Little Robbie? Started my heart again. Death itself? Really, wasn't that bad. Once you get past the early part, its really peaceful. And? I no longer feared death after that. Its just not a big deal like everyone makes it out to be. Now. That guy we're talking about? He doesn't have that. So…"

   "Fear of death, would be worse than the death itself."

   He nodded, and put his arm around me. My life couldn't be any stranger. I'm sitting here, with my lover. Who I believe in some way is my previous lover, came back to me. Back… from death, to be with me again. And… we're having this little talk, I'm getting an education on death and killing and the morality and philosophy of it.

   I'm a lot calmer and okay about it all now. I always say my life couldn't get any stranger? But then it always does.

   You get used to it.