Chapter 17 - Breakdown

   When he got back from the diner, he found me in quite a state. I was crying intermittently. I had sobs wracking through me now and again. They came in waves. I knew by now for sure. This was feeling, this was emotion. I shouldn't have these… things. But they're here, and they're back with some sort of a rather hellish vengeance.

   With no other option, I tried to categorize these strange things that felt so foreign. Guilt. Shame. Happy. Sad. Love. Hate. Desire. Repugnance. Beauty. Ugliness. Powerful. Weak.

   They came in waves. They felt as if they crashed over me. After a while? They paired up. Any two random emotions would come at once and attack me two on one. If it was two bad emotions? It was doubly horrible. If it was two good emotions? A light airy, floating sensation. A brief respite. A bad and a good one teamed up? They kind of offset each other, yet really didn't. Sort of like going 80 miles per hour then running into a big cement retaining wall.

   Over time, it could be one, or the teamed up two at once. Chosen randomly. Then eventually? It was time. Three at a time. Three bad ones were crushing weights of pressure. One or two good ones were lighter but temporary. The attack would quit, and I felt as if it might be subsiding, please god… then no. It would either start again, or… ramp up to four at a time.

   This insane condition kept up. Brief breaks, that gave you a taste of having broken through the worst of it. Please? Then either the same attack again, or… another one added in. It went like that, and over time built up until it was every damn possible emotion at once. A slight break, then all back at once. Like being crushed to death, I could physically feel the weight and the almost physical pressure.

   I tried to explain, but only incoherent fragments were possible during those little breaks. I told him no, over and over again. Let it go. Don't call anyone, don't check me in anywhere. It can't last forever. I know just enough about the medical and mental health system? To know I'd end up medicated. And I mean, medicated into a slobbering and drooling coma. Fuck that. My career? Would end and be over. I'd have screwed my precious Uncle Mike over for good. His giant case, the last I was on? Would end without me. All that work would be lost and gone. No way.

   After maybe eight or more hours like this? It began to slowly subside. And I mean it inched away. One feeling at a time every now and again would get out of the fight. It seemed to take forever, to slowly ramp down. As long as it took to come and go up? It took that long after a while peaking, to slowly go through and get to the other side. I was ecstatic when it was down to three at a time, then two, finally back to one at a time.

   After what felt like eight hours up, a few hours with them all crushing me, then the eight hours coming back down… it finally ended. He sat on the bed, and couldn't do anything but touch me and be there. When I was sure the last single one was done playing with me? I finally risked sitting up a little. I was drained. Physically, emotionally, intellectually. I was completely shot. Wow, what a goddamn ride that was. Lets do that one again? Okay, never would be fine by me.

   I couldn't talk yet. That would be too taxing. I mumbled and pointed at the shower. I was covered in thick sweat that clung to me. Like petroleum jelly. He gave me my shower ritual. Ah. Sweet, heavenly ritual. Always fixes me up.

   When I was being dried off carefully, one of my favorite things? I was reminded of Wiz doing this for me, and how much I had loved it. And how much I missed him. And I had tears again. No big wracking sobs, not a hot mess, just… some tears and sniffles. This huge polished marble shower, the gigantic whirlpool tub. He'd have been in his glory for it. This? Was the bathroom we always planned on one day. More tears and sniffles.

   I would look around, fearful. I was feeling emotions now and then. It was a strange and foreign thing to be sure. Very scary. I touched his face, and my face puckered up but I didn't cry. I guess I was feeling… love? Maybe. I only knew it from a rational sense of I should love him, so I said I did. I felt it for the first time. It took forever to get some measure of control over myself. I tried to explain in short, choppy sentence fragments… what had happened.

   He laid me back down, and laid next to me after asking if it was okay to be close. I nodded. He carefully laid down against me, and just stroked my hair. Cooing to me, that it seemed like it was all right now. He said my eyes and face looked different, but that it was a good different. He thought I looked prettier somehow at times now.

   As near as I could figure? I was pretty sure I was feeling emotions again. It sounded like he was describing they could be seen on my face. I threw my go to half grin on constantly. I bet my face looked like some crazy person, contorting and changing. Of course it did, I was crazy and knew it after all. That, was funny. I laughed.

   I eventually fell asleep, and must have slept eight, ten, twelve hours? I didn't check, keep track, or know. No waking up and getting the second half of sleep. Two nights in a row? This was record breaking news for my sleeping habits. Woman sleeps through the night? Details at eleven.

   He must have stayed up watching over me before he fell asleep. I woke up first. I felt… better. I seemed like I was in some kind of slight control now. I… could I control this? It seemed like now that it was down to a dull roar, I could sort of shut it down. Thank god. I'd be basket case if I couldn't.

   I knew I'd had some kind of a breakdown. For whatever reason? Emotions flooded back all at once. I had once read that professional football players that have lived on too many painkillers, eventually had to get off them cold turkey. They entered this weird state. They touched their shoulder gently? Ow, it hurt. Their pain system was amplified many times. It took them forever to get back to close to normal.

   It felt like, it seemed like… every emotion that I had not felt or had been squelched all these years? They had simply been saved up, and got turned loose on me. All at once. The attack was still coming and going, but it was ebbing down, clearly. It was… manageable.

   I got up, and he woke up and saw to me. He made me breakfast, because I said I could eat now. After eating, I tried to explain as best I could, what had happened. I was playing with controlling it, and could more or less shut it down and turn it back on. Like turning a television on and off. I was quickly getting better at this, I figured or hoped I would get great at it.

   The hell had brought this on, though. Something. Then it struck me. People that begin to process trauma finally and begin to recover? They typically go through a breakdown. Some get waves of depression and anxiety that are crippling, but temporary. Others? Go numb. I had been living in that traumatized numb state, for years. I thought it would be permanent.

   Some people get therapy and when it begins to work, they get better. A few people though, were different. The only "therapy" that helped? For a select few, revenge was the only thing that worked. That must have been me. I guess my revenge was finally completed, and… feelings came back in a flood. The flood washed downriver finally, and just the little normal stream of emotions it seemed like now.

   I suppose like anyone, a rain would come and I would feel badly. But, the rain would quit, and the swollen emotional creek would go back to its normal trickle. It seemed like my playing at turning it on and off, was bearing fruit. Hopefully I got better at it, and had a switch I could flick. That huge, long cry though? Had been a lengthy purge. All the bad emotions I had never felt? Came out at once.

   Holy shit. Was I going to return to something… dare I even say it… normal. I marveled at my face in the mirror. I spent more than an hour there, touching the mirror. Feeling things, and seeing it in my eyes, and on my face. Wow. I could put my masks on if I wanted to, but didn't have to. There was no monster face to cover up now.

   I suddenly got scared, and looked at him fearfully. I quickly tried to explain… guilt? I was guilty now. I didn't want to be able to have facial expressions and he was stuck with masks. He said it was fine. He was happy for me, he wasn't mad I might be better. I was afraid though. I tried my new trick. I switched off. Oh god, yes. There it was. I could still drop my face. We could still share that. I showed him.

   I remember being scared that the monster had come to live in me. I felt cheated and stolen off of. Then? I got to like the monster. Now? I was scared it would leave me, permanently. So far it hadn't. I could bring it back by switching off. Strange how you can get so used to something bad, and grow to love it.

   Feeling… anything, was quite a novelty. It was like having lost sense of smell and taste, then suddenly you could smell things again. Flowers were nice, shit was horrible. But, the good comes with the bad. I could get used to this, it seemed like. And thank god I was able to switch this stuff off at will.

   I knew I was feeling love, for real, for the first time with him. I had to have a quick, slow, sweet little bit of sex with him. It was like a brand new experience. Wow. I was terrified for a few seconds, I hadn't seen Wiz, could I still… then my heart skipped a beat and went to normal. He was still there.

   The smile, the shrug. What can you even do.

   I decided he was happy for me.

   I got a present for me. I gave Wiz a present. We gave Lightning a present. Now? The universe gave me a huge one. I was allowed to actually feel emotions again. I felt so spoiled, I couldn't believe it. I didn't know if the universe was done with me, or if it was just giving me a break and would call me when it needed me. Either one was fine.

   You can't know. It just is.