Panic's Present - Thriller - Mystery

Chapter 21 - the Book Cover

I sat dumbfounded. God-smacked, even. This big powerful man. He's actually quite handsome, too. Success? They say success is its own cologne. He sounds like he's made and lost happy lives, and also made and lost, well? Fortunes.

I think having a couple trucks and hiring drivers to drive fresh food to farmer's markets? Is a successful thing to be into. He had that. I mean, that's a good gig here in the states. In small village Russia? That's success. I can easily imagine Betanya, though I've certainly never met her and not even seen a photograph yet. There's plenty of pretty Russian women around. I even tease Panic about them.

He likes educated women. Intelligent women. He once told me about seeing "Russian brides" on the internet. He said, he's sitting there. The girls on the website? Are fucking gorgeous. He related how he thought it was a joke, that the pretty girls had things like PhD's in astrophysics. Then he found out. No. Its real. You pass the test that you're smart enough? You go to the best schools Russia had to offer, all expenses paid. Before the fall of communism, that is.

Its not the only Russian women thing I tease him about. Every once in a while, he hears the accent. And yeah, he does a double take. Smiles at me. I know boys like novelty. Betanya might have been a knockout in his book. And Vladimir? Yeah, I can see it. A tall and naturally muscular boy growing up. Almost smart enough to make it to the university for free, but not quite. Combine the intelligence with his musculature? Oh, he was a small town catch. No doubt about it.

The few boys that made the test cut? Gone. Better offers waiting. The girls there? They were fighting over what was left. When you took away what didn't make the university cut... this was top shelf. Smart. Polite. Hard worker, it seems like. I get a sense he didn't have a mean bone in his body, before... a group of monsters raped his wife and young daughter, then chopped his wife and daughter and little boy up for firewood.

He was just like my Panic. A sweet and polite intellectual, before the world has its way with him. No, just like Panic? They created a monster. He found a mentor, too. Just like Wizzy did. Just like Panic did. They showed him how to fight smarter. These men? Are cannon fodder. You? We wait. Let them go and be the diversion. We're heading to the police station in stolen uniforms. Then? Karma is coming home to roost. In spades.

Yeah. He chopped up his dirty police officers, like firewood. He smiled when he did it. And just like Panic? There's something childlike about him. But Merry? They started it. They? Did it first.

And I can't fault him for it.

Panic doesn't sleep so well some nights. When the dreams come. I know what Vladimir's dreams must be like. He's coming home from a truck trip to the city. Honey, you home? Then, there it is. A naked chopped up pretty wife. Dead children chopped up. His daughter naked and chopped up, like his wife.

Then, Yuri found him. Come on. We're going to make this right. Or, as right as we can. I'll show you how. You just have to fight smarter, not harder.

And his other dream. They probably herded the police into some room. Then, had their way with them. He's chopping human firewood. Doing lord even knows what to them before they're dead, and Christ only knows to the carcass afterwards.

What the ever loving fuck, is wrong with the world. Panic went through this. Wizzy had his taste of it. Vladimir encountered it too. But I know what's wrong with the world, don't I. Yes, I do. Its human nature. If it just wasn't for human beings? The world would be a wonderful place.

I asked Panic, after I saw him hole up like an animal hiding in its den for the sleeping time.

"Honey?"

"Mm."

"The fuck is wrong with people. Why do they do shit like this. The hell is the point."

He shook his head and shrugged. Which triggered a short Wizzy video.

"Welcome to human nature, honey. Its a bitch."

I asked if he had seen the tattoos. Panic nodded. Vladimir had prominent star shaped tattoos in a couple places. American boys get them sometimes? That's not what these are. He asked me softly if I knew what they were.

I nodded. I sighed.

"Yeah."

Panic looked around a little, then said it softly.

"I don't fault him for it. In the least."

I looked at him. Dead in his eyes.

"I don't fault you, for..."

He rolled his eyes.

"Yeah."

"So. That means, Yuri, is..."

Panic nodded.

I asked him.

"He's dangerous. Isn't he."

Panic shrugged. Another short Wizzy video.

"You can think what you want. Lord knows you have a mind of your own."

I furrowed my eyebrows at him.

"What."

"I know you think of me, as a big puppy dog. What about Little Robbie. Hell, Skykid isn't the right guy to go fucking around with for fun."

"But---"

He shrugged again.

"Until I know different? He's like one of the Redwater guys. He just has an accent."

"What do you think."

He stared off for a few seconds.

"What does karma demand. You fall back on it. I'll ask you. Was he lying?"

I shook my head.

"All right. There you go. The universe? Did something to him. It was horrible. The universe? Needed those Ukrainian police taken care of. Him and Yuri? Took care of it."

"I guess."

"No guessing to it. Karma, acts on all of us. Whether we know its karma or not. Now. Karma demands? That an individual is defined by what he does. In the here and now. And? How does he present."

"He's... very polite. Quiet. He seems very restrained."

"Remind you of anyone?"

I nodded. I know he means men like him. Little Robbie. Others. Yeah, he's perfectly right. I know outlaw bikers I respect, they're good men.

"You heard him. No women. No children. Only men that ask for it. If that's not karma? I don't know what is."

"You're right."

"Honey? This whole thing, reeks of karma. The universe? Made him into what he became. Just to send him to us. Just when we needed him. And he doesn't have to be helping us."

"You like him?"

He nodded.

"As far as I know, he's aces with me. Like I said. Redwater, with a thick Russian accent."

Panic related his tattoos to me.

"The stars? Russian mafia, yes. The chest though. I think, is personal."

"Hmm?"

"A really pretty bird. With two littler birds. I bet that's his wife and two children."

"Really?"

"My guess. The stars? That's normal insignia for what he is. But, those birds. A bird, is a girl to the British. Even we use a bird. As a motif, for the soul. Even the Catholics. A pretty bird? Is the holy spirit."

"I guess."

"And do me a favor?"

"Sure."

"Quit asking him about, stuff like that. The last thing he wants to do, is talk about it. Just my suggestion. Just fall back on karma. He's a stand up guy, for us. And remember. Yuri? For all he is or isn't. He's a big investor. After risking his life, to help out the villagers. Until I know different? Yuri's okay in my book. He's part of the plan. To try to make the world a better place. He's trying to do some good."

I said nothing. He's probably right.

"Hell. All I did, was fight. I was a pawn. A, tool. The candy man? Yuri and this guy. They're actually doing something about it. Trying to, anyways. Until I know different? I respect that."

I nodded. It made sense.

We went to take a nap, in the little privacy chamber. Its our ritual to talk into each other's ears and neck falling asleep. My spot, my position? I'm beside him. Up against him. My arm across his chest, my other arm snaked down under his neck and around. I always have a thigh and the rest of my leg up and over and down him. Sort of holding him down, though not really. He used to get up after an hour or two when I first met him. After talking and tossing and turning in his sleep. He was running on empty when I found him. Beyond overtired, to the point he couldn't sleep more than an hour or two. Pushing himself, beyond any reasonable limit. Dark circles around his eyes. Essentially killing himself. Just to help people he never once met.

He slept eight hours our first night together. Every night he slept with me, he slept a little longer before tossing, turning, talking. I just shushed him and kept him hugged to me and held down, with gentle pressure. In a few seconds he fell back asleep. Like a child waking up from a bad dream. He just needed held and a few words whispered, and he stayed down. Overtired beyond anything reasonable.

Its no longer needed, but we both like it. My face buried in his neck, when I lay like this. Every night. His neck and ear, are some kind of human microphone to me. We always talk a little when we're close like this. Physically close, emotionally close. In the tub, or in bed. I whispered in his ear.

"Honey. We, almost did the worst thing possible."

He whispered back.

"I know."

"We, almost fucked everything up, and---"

"Shh. You operate on what you know. That's what I knew. That's what we knew."

"Now, we think we know different."

"Yeah. And now? We're operating on that."

"But... we almost..."

"Honey? The road to hell. Its paved with good intentions."

"I just can't believe, we---"

"Yeah. I can't believe, what I know now. About what was really going on."

I whispered even softer in his ear.

"What if he was, you know. Sent, to..."

"What. Lure us, into a false sense of security. Eliminate us, as revenge for coming to kill The Devil."

"Isn't it... possible?"

"Yeah. It is."

I said nothing. It was sobering, to even think it.

"But? I don't think its like that. If he was that pissed? He had us. Dead to rights. I couldn't even blame a guy, for that. Its what I would have done."

"But he didn't."

Panic sighed.

"You can play what if, all night and then some. Won't change anything, won't make anything happen. What if? Worms had machine guns. We'd all be in trouble then. Especially, guys that like fishing."

"That's just it. You said it. You would have done it. He didn't."

Panic waited a few seconds.

"No. He forgave me, instead. I like to think, I have some... hammerlock on what's right and wrong. And The Devil? Yeah. He had better values, than I would."

I waited.

"Does your gut tell you, you're right about him?"

"Which one. The Devil, or our new friend."

"Both, I guess. But I mean the new guy."

"I chalk it all up to karma. It just is."

"Yeah."

"Get some sleep, honey."

"Good night."

This fucking world. The best of all possible worlds.

After a nice nap, we woke up and performed our morning ritual. When we can? We both like to lay in bed a while. Like falling asleep or during an extended tub session, we'll talk. I'll admit I was in a kind of what if, what if mode. Concerned once again, how we almost did the worst possible thing, for the best possible reason. He stopped me by putting his index finger on my lips.

"Honey?"

"Yeah."

"Ever since you got your emotions back, I've been happy for you. You know I always did have mine, but my face and body language? Just ain't ever going to be there. I'll leave this world, never having once shown my emotions, the normal way."

Its true. To show happy, he might do a little dance to act silly, but... in reality he's covering for not having the body language. Just like his face? Its a mask for his body.

"What's your point, honey."

"Maybe you've been slowly getting like this, since the emotions came back. It only shows during periods of high stress."

"Like now. But what."

"This whole, what if, what if... thing. You're second guessing what we did. The why, too. All of this, oh my god we almost. You know. Now? You're second guessing if everything's okay."

I sighed.

"Sorry."

"Don't be. Let me tell you something, though."

"Okay."

"Stop it. You keep wondering, and waffling? Hopping from one foot to the other like that. Its not good. You'll freeze up if something goes down. Now. I'm going to tell you a story."

I sighed again.

"Go on, then."

"Okay. Rob thinks and plans, but he's more apt to just act or react. I'm the big planner and thinker. Rob was getting me over it, and getting me to do what he calls pulling the trigger. Just, act or react. It doesn't happen overnight. So, early on? I got injured, and you know I would go home to recuperate and squeeze a semester of college in, instead of just jacking off."

"You told me."

"Right. Had a buddy, older guy. Owned a little used car place. His regular mechanic was away, and he wanted me to go with him. To the car auction. The mechanic was a buddy, and I liked hanging out. Mechanic friend, would let me do the car diagnosis thing. Then, he'd tell me what he thought. I was learning. So? The owner has me go with him in this pinch moment. He wants me to help him pick a used car to sell. Drive it for the test, see if I could find anything. Then? I drive the car back with his dealer plate. I'm allowed to go out late for coffee and dinner in it."

"Okay."

"Well. While we were there at the auction? Its a big car auction. Some guy keeled over, looked like it might have been a heart attack. Now, I'd been trained to assess someone going over. Check the airway, check pupil dilation. Check for pulse. And how to do chest compression. And if you take charge and do it? You just bark out orders to someone. You. Get down here. Pinch the nose, seal your mouth and breathe hard into his mouth. I'll tell you when, I'll tell you how many times."

"That's good to know advanced CPR."

"Yeah. I'm standing there, and this little girl comes running up. She announces. I'm, like, a nurse. I'll handle this. I figured? Great, a real medical person is here. She's got this."

"How did she do."

"Dog shit. Found out later? She wasn't a nurse. She wiped asses in an old folks home. That's an attendant, not a nurse. All she did? Was unbutton his shirt, cradle his head. She's, she ends up? Laying over the guy face up. Her knees on either side of his head, leaning over his face, rubbing his chest. My joke later? What woke the guy up, was her panties in his face. She was wearing a short little skirt. The way she was just rubbing his chest? Looked like she was about to go 69 on him."

I giggled, I couldn't help it.

"Guy make it?"

"Yeah. Turned out? He just had really bad high blood pressure and sugar. She's all, loving everyone clapping her on the back, playing hero. But know this. She didn't do jack shit, and if I had went for the guy? She'd have been arguing. I'm a nurse. And she isn't. I'm sure she's great at changing diapers and wiping asses. But, for CPR and triage? Our cats would have been more help, if that had been a real heart attack. And seconds count in that situation. I know to break the ribs to actually compress the heart. I can pump a little blood around, and breathe for the guy, until the ambulance crew gets there, and they can take over."

"Well, thank god it was just... passing out."

"The point is? I should have acted. Yanked that twat playing nurse off him. I should have thrown her on her ass, and went to work. Started barking out orders, if I needed to start compression and breathing. Instead? I waited, and the guy would have died if it had been serious."

"B---"

"Not done. So? I go out late for coffee, after driving the car around some, like I was told to go have fun. Just drop it off at the lot later, whenever is fine, and slide the key under the door. Now. As fate would have it? Its Friday night. I'm at Lenny's for coffee and dinner. Place is packed. Some older guy? Looks like he's choking. I'm watching, and if he goes over, I'm going to run over and dislodge after I try Heimlich."

"What happened."

"One of the people out to dinner with him? Smacked his back hard enough, he finally spit food out on the table."

"Keep going."

"Naturally? Just like the guy that fell over at the auction. Everyone's crowding around. I'm just about to go over and do my thing, because the guy's turning blue. Then, at the last second? Okay. But. Some waitresses were going to call 911. Another waitress? Is telling them no. Now. Here comes? The assistant manager."

"Okay."

"I got nothing against some cute young girl being assistant manager, but... this bitch is barely out of high school. She wasn't a waitress there for a month? The older guy that runs that Lenny's location? Made the cutest girl the assistant manager. I mean, maybe she's all that and a bag of chips? But, call me suspicious."

I snickered into his neck. I know the drill. Older guy managing? Yeah. Always some young twat doesn't know her ass from a hole in the ground... gets to wear dress clothes and play important manager. They march around with a clipboard, and they assume this... fake attitude. I explained that, he said... exactly.

"So. Little miss important, with her stupid clipboard? Gathers the troops all around her. She's going to explain what to do, when there's an emergency like this. This little team meeting? Is going on, right in front of my table. I get to listen."

I snickered again.

"How bad was it."

"Terrible. She says? You don't call an ambulance, no matter what the emergency is? Unless, the customer says to call an ambulance. Because. The ambulance will come. And if there's nothing to do? Like this time. They'll charge Lenny's for the ambulance call."

"Christ."

"Yeah. Heart attack, choking victim? You die, because its Lenny's policy. Or, at least her genius policy, anyways... she's more concerned about the ambulance bill, than saving a life."

"Fuck me."

"I will, just not now."

"Smart ass."

"I try. Anyways. I wait until they're done, and she's all done imparting her leadership skills on the girls that work there. I raised my hand. She asks me. Yes? I said, polite as could be. Question, ma'am. How exactly, is a choking victim turning blue? Supposed to tell you to call an ambulance. A game of charades? If they can't breathe, they damn sure can't talk."

"What did the manager twat say."

"Well? That, is Lenny's policy. You know. Head up, shoulders back. All... authoritative. She just strides away, all awash in her... command presence. Two little girls, waitresses? Said they thought I was right. I told them. I know I'm right. They asked me, what should they do. I laughed. I told them. Fuck her, she's just the young girl that made assistant manager, because the manager thinks she's cute. Call the ambulance. Fuck her. And if you get fired? Walk out after you tell her to go fuck herself, she's a fucking moron. And Fuck Lenny's policy. A life is on the line."

"Good advice. I think."

"Well? I decided then and there. No more waiting. Wondering. If I know what to do? I act. Immediately. No second guessing, no waiting to see if someone can handle it. I went back to Rob, and... I started acting. Reacting. Barking out orders, if I knew what to do. And before you ask? Rob liked it. Now. Do you wanna know what the moral of the story is?"

"Sure."

"Me. You. We? Act. We, do. Why? Because if we wait around for someone else, to handle things? It'll never get done. And if you make a mistake, oh well. When a pressure situation boils over suddenly? You have seconds to act or everything's fucked. Now. You know how Little Robbie has that thing, he doesn't apologize sometimes, when polite people think he should?"

"Yeah."

"He's a natural leader. He acts. Usually? Immediately. And if it goes sour? He figures he did what he could, with what he knew at the time. And that's what we did. We went on the best intelligence we had, that I had? For years. The fact that it looks like we almost made a huge mistake? Is immaterial. We deal with it, we move on."

I whispered, like this whole conversation had been.

"Okay. And, if..."

I glanced in the direction of where our new friend was hiding like an animal in his den.

Panic sighed.

"If this is a double cross. And we're being taken somewhere. That?"

"Yeah."

He shrugged.

"We don't think it is. You don't, I don't. Right?"

I scraped my nose on his neck, nodding yes.

"Then it is what it is. Now. I'm texting Little Robbie. For just such a situation."

"How could he help."

"He couldn't. But, if we get double crossed?"

"Yeah."

"I think you know what Rob and Skykid, will do."

"Oh."

"Yeah. I'm giving Rob and Sky instructions. Dock at the boat, and enjoy the hospitality they were offered. Rob? Will be ever so polite. You know how sweet he can be. Enjoy the food, the drink, everything. But? If something happens to us... they'll be right there to take care of it. I'm setting a dead man's switch. I'm programming my phone. See this button?"

"The one that does nothing."

"Right. If you press it, and hold it in long enough? You'll feel a short silent vibration. You do it again. If you do it a third time? It'll send the text to Rob. I'm texting his instructions now."

"Why are you telling me."

"Because. If something happens to me, and you think it was a double cross? You send it. After all this time? I'm not fucking around. My whole adult life, comes down to this. If I'm a goner anyways, I want it taken care of. This isn't just a game. If I have to give my life, to set things right? I will."

"Remind me never to get on your bad side."

He whispered in my ear.

"You couldn't, if you tried."

"Thanks. But, we both think everything's on the up and up."

"Pretty sure it is. But if it isn't? That's my life insurance policy. I'll strike from the grave, just like Wizzy did. Feel better now?"

I thought about it.

"Yeah."

He waited a while, before adding out of nowhere.

"If anything would happen. I love you. Rally point's in hell."

I whispered into his neck. My human microphone.

"You know I love you too. There are other worlds to fight in, than these."

And that? Was that. He added one final message to it.