Chapter 34 - Bermuda VII

   I bolted upright from laying down, because Joan had shot me in the shoulder with her little... Panic calls a gun that small, the little flintlock? A Philadelphia derringer. Christ, can't I get shot anywhere else, but in the shoulder. And, fuck me, my shoulder actually hurts. Now, I've taken a hunting round through my shoulder before. It clearly doesn't hurt like that, but still. Weird after dream discomfort.

   Oh good lord. That's what woke me up. I've got a small damn crab on me. He's pinching a tiny bit of my shoulder. Little bastard. He's small, he's actually not all that scary looking. I mean, kind of cute, in his own weird way. I bet I could appreciate him a whole lot more? If he wasn't dangling from my shoulder, hanging on for dear life with his little claw.

   I'm about to rip the little son of a bitch off, and I realize. Why tear the skin open. It'll just make this worse. Just a red mark right this second. I'm watching he doesn't grab for something else. My nipple, my eyeball. I reach out blind, to rouse Panic. And... its Little Lightning instead. She starts making all kinds of noise.

   "Son of a bitch. Little motherfuckers. Shoo! Panic? Get up, you asshole. Now."

   She didn't really kick him, but she more than nudged him with her foot. He got up, and Light is dancing around. A small army of little crabs are all around. Honestly not hurting anything. Well, other than my shoulder.

   He stood up, stretched.

   "Light? Honest to god. Watch."

   He stepped over them.

   "Voila. Grow up."

   "Ugly little fuckers."

   "I think they're cute. You never had the hermit crab for a pet?"

   "My one friend when I was little did. They're okay. The shell just sits there, for the most part. Why ain't these little bastards, in their damn shell."

   "These aren't hermit crabs, Light. They have a real shell."

   "Damn it, if I wasn't in my bare feet, I would---"

   I got tired of being ignored. I raised my voice.

   "Hey!"

   Light was way more concerned than Panic. He came over, and started inspecting.

   "Okay. I just need something, to..."

   He looked around. He found a flat little thick piece of shell, and... levered the little claw open. Little guy dropped, did a little dance around. Wiggled his eyes on those stalks, waved his claws around. Then moved around. Left, right, backwards.

   We stepped over the small army of tiny crabs, and... Panic said it was because we left snacks and crumbs around. It attracts them, they're beach scavengers. Now, taking stock of everything. Its great to get wasted for fun, on pot instead of booze. No hangover. Its early, but its light out. We're naked. We fell asleep, out of reverie.

   We walked over to where we had ripped each others clothes off and tossed them down, and... they're not here. Lightning was assessing this.

   "Well, Panic. Did your ugly little crabs, scavenge our clothes?"

   "Anything's possible. They're known, if they have free time because they find a big batch of food early? To sort of have fun, and move things, and kind of play and investigate. I mean, given easy food? They spend their whole time, actually being kind of cute and inquisitive."

   "So, we have to play follow the magic mouse, to get our clothes back."

   Panic giggled.

   "Light? The game is, I believe. Not follow the magic mouse. More like, follow the magic rat."

   "Huh?"

   "Look. See... those marks? Looks like scratches in the sand? That, is what crab tracks look like. Now. That... looks more like..."

   Lightning finished it for him.

   "Footprints."

   "Exactly. The game? Is afoot."

   We walked naked, and followed the tracks. Wonder of all wonders, it led to the general area of the cabana shacks. There were a couple of folding tables put up among them. Breakfast. Elise. Francois. His wife, sitting between those two. Vladimir. And? Little Robbie and Skykid. Me and Light giggled and tried to cover ourselves, but hey. We have an area between our legs, and two tits each. Without three hands? Its not happening. We gave up. Panic? Just crossed his arms. His signature go to grin.

   Panic, made a rolling motion with his hand. After the first few wisecracks, to get them going. Go on, it said. Enjoy the moment. When everyone had a few in going around in a celebrity roast fashion, Light asked where our clothes were. I guessed for us.

   "Hmm. Elise? Used to steal Wizzy's boxers, if you remember all that."

   Light giggled.

   "Underwars!"

   I continued.

   "Now? Panic got everyone to inspect Elise's boobs last night, so? I'm gonna guess. Elise, and probably her little friend? Remember, they had some gummy candy too, after all the excitement was over. So? They got bored... we're sleeping in the surf, and... well, that's my guess."

   Elise shrugged. Her girlfriend took over. Giggling.

   "Elise? Teach, me. I? Know, nothing. Never? Talk."

   Elise pointed towards our cabana, the one me and Panic had a few things in from our last night we spent there. Panic? Just sat down and started picking at food, after getting a clean plate off a stack.

   Everyone just looked at him.

   "What? My clothes disappeared. Everyone must want to check out my hot Irish sausage. Drink it in. Me? I got the munchies."

   He started eating. Fuck it. I sat down, and then Light followed. Got plates and started eating. Panic was unconcerned.

   "What's fun today, guys."

   Vladimir chuckled.

   "As I say last night. I am to go, fishing, and scuba diving. With, your friends."

   Little Robbie couldn't contain himself.

   "Well? You going with us, Panic? Or what. You might be too busy. Getting stoned, having orgies."

   "Hey. Its a long, hard... job? But. Someone, has to do it."

   "Uh huh. Why don't things look very, long and hard, to me."

   Panic was shoveling breakfast into his face, while gabbing.

   "I keep explaining to you. First, why are you looking at my dick. That's just weird. Then. I? Am a grower. You? Are a shower. Mine, inflates. Like a balloon. Yours? Just... kinds of stands up, and doesn't get any bigger."

   "Now who looks at dicks. Like you'd even know, what my German shillelagh looks like, when its working. With, I might add? My usual, ruthless German efficiency."

   Skykid adjusted his shades, with his ever present padded neck band that floated if he lost them, and in general kept them handy and not lost or sat on. Around his neck if they weren't on his face.

   "Actually, Rob has a point."

   Panic giggled.

   "The Teutonic Twit? Has a point, on the top of his head. Like we call him... Little Robbie? For nothing. Come on."

   Rob pointed his fork at him between bites of food.

   "Ha. I got a chick right off the boat. I'll take you to dinner to meet her? If you promise to put some clothes on, and not embarrass me at a nice dinner."

   Panic wasn't quitting eating or talking for anything.

   "Rob. Listen to yourself. I just picked up? One, chick. Me? You said it yourself. I'm having orgies. And, I had three chicks last night. Not? My usual two."

   Skykid wagged his head and his hand. Like he's keeping score.

   "Rob? He's gets a couple points there. Question. Who was the third. Merry? Would cut your dick off, whether it was showing or growing, my guess."

   "Man, you guys should have been there. Tall, really athletic, cute chick. Nice boobies, too. I mean, she couldn't keep her hands off me. This chick? Wrestled me down, handcuffed me? What can I do. Then? She even walked on my back, just to make me feel better. I mean, I'm not as young as I once was. All them orgies, I got this sore back. She just wanted to make me feel better."

   Rob snorted onto his plate.

   "Not, the intelligence I gathered. You might, wanna lay off all the drugs, just saying. Way I heard it? Elise kicked your ass, for acting like an ass. Rolling in hammered at, what, three in the morning."

   Panic counted it off, on fingers.

   "Orgy, on the beach. These two. Not like they don't admit it in public. Elise? Right there. Now. Is she not, tall and athletic? Nice boobs. Did I not. Get roughed up, thrown down and handcuffed. Did Elise not. Walk on my back, crack it, make me feel better. I mean, I got witnesses. To all this. Robbie? I'm sorry, Little Robbie. All I get? A story. Maybe, one girl. Maybe. Dude. The Irish team, is pulling ahead of the German team. In the sex Olympics. I mean, its three to one, just last night. And his one? Ain't been verified by judges yet. People saw me, scoring my points."

   Rob countered.

   "The German team? Has values. Morals. We? Don't go around, having orgies, letting people see us naked."

   "My point, you make it for me. No orgies, because you have enough trouble, getting one. You won't let anyone see your dingle? Because you don't want word getting out, if anyone sees the family shame."

   Skykid called it.

   "Rob? With no quality rebuttal. I'm gonna have to call this one, in Panic's favor."

   "Ah. Typical drunken Irish bullshit. All concerned with winning the battle, ignoring the war. I let him have a point or two, like this, now and then. That way? It hurts more, when I win. See, I give him... hope? Then crush him. Its more humiliating what way."

   Elise joined in, since this seemed done.

   "Oh. So, now I can't keep my hands off you, huh? Panic, I don't know what to say."

   "Elise? I'm going to turn you, I just know it. Now. If you get a hankering, you wanna give me some more of that... rough stuff, the handcuffs, walk on my back again. Just, let me know when's good for you. I'll, uh... check my itinerary, see if I can squeeze you in. Or, would that not be, squeeze into you."

   Elise snickered, and cracked a grin.

   "What you're going to get, is my foot up your ass."

   Panic wiggled his hand back and forth.

   "Never really tried that. But? Seen it on the internet. Hey. You get me in the handcuffs again next time? Kinda on you, what goes on, babe."

   My god, he's incorrigible. But, if you try to embarrass him? That's his typical response. Brazen right through it. Elise is giggling, it is funny.

   He winked at Elise.

   "And, I just put a smile on Elise's face. Rob? I'm fast becoming? A legend, I tell you."

   Rob countered.

   "More like a fable."

   "Rob? Legend, fable. At least they're talking about me. No such thing, as bad publicity. Francois, gave me that good bit of advice. Let them say, whatever they say."

   Francois smiled, and he looked like he was enjoying this amusing back and forth.

   "They, whoever, they are? Will say, many things."

   Francois winked at Rob.

   "However. That? Is not, to say. All of it will, be truth."

   Panic gestured and smiled.

   "Francois. If they hate on you? You must be winning."

   "Now. That? I, might believe."

   Skykid brought about the change in topic.

   "Well. Panic. You allowed to come out and play? Fishing. Scuba diving."

   "I'm thinking."

   I just get flashes from my council reverie. I'm getting one now. Joan? Has more than once, sat her chin on her sword. Point down, resting her chin on the hilt. One of her signature poses for me. I just noticed that it was the sign of the cross recently, that's all.

   And it was, as promised. Right in front of my face, all the time. I just never noticed it. She keeps touching her right eye. The eye Panic uses, to study things critically. Logically. Scientifically. I closed my eyes, if only momentarily. I shook my head and opened them.

   My face, is staring straight ahead. Not that I was trying to see anything, but... I just happen to be staring at Francois's wife. Elise's girlfriend. She's got a little gold cross looking thing, on a pretty gold chain. This is a couple of little fold up tables put end to end. Making one longer but fairly thin table.

   I'm close enough to see, its not a real cross. More? Of a little golden sword. Francois is on the one side of her. Now? He has the identical charm on his gold necklace. Francois? Professes a faith in god, and says he admires Joan of Arc. I seem to remember him using the phrase once, gold sword. To indicate? He would fight with money and finances.

   Now? I look and notice Vladimir. He has one, too. His is a little different? But, it looks more like a gold sword, than a cross.

   I'm lost in thought now. I have cell phone pictures, from many things on the big boat. And really, what vacationing tourist doesn't just click, click, click. Especially a woman. I flick through reams of photos on my phone. Panic? Makes sure I have the biggest SD card any phone will take, so I have extra storage. So, he can easily load all my music, or unload all my photos and videos I make.

   I put an earbud in. I'm listening to a video. Some guy is telling Francois, how he brought friends to his little meeting. We're at the get investors meeting? I paused and zoomed in. There he is. That guy. I zoom in enough the picture gets fuzzy, but... looks like a fuzzy golden cross, and maybe that's a coincidence, but.

   The murder investigators back in that time. They all had a saying. I don't believe in coincidences, until proven otherwise.

   I don't believe it. Joan, has been telling me to just look. Its right in front of my face, the whole time. What else? Her, Napoleon. Move that queen. And the Queen, as we all know, is? The most important piece on the board. Well. Technically, its checkmating the king that wins the game, but still. The Queen? Is the most powerful piece on the board.

   She's the only one that can move in any direction, as many spaces as she wants. Arguably the most important piece, in terms of which pieces you want to keep if you must give one up.

   Now? Vladimir. Just last night. He said it. I'm not the most important person here. She is.

   I'm in my own little world now. Anything else? Yeah. Napoleon doesn't hand out a lot of advice, or even talk much. If he says anything? You listen. One advice clue? One bishop is already gone. A bishop, is a kind of priest. He mentored Francois. Who looked up to him, for advice and counseling. He's dead, and Francois thinks he might have been killed.

   He's still, one bishop is gone.

   Panic knows about things like this. He admits it. When the numbers get to a certain size? It becomes financially advantageous, to hire private military contractors, to do dirty work for you. Some of them? Are butchers.

   I even asked. Would they kill his mentor, the priest? If he was giving Francois courage. Urging him on. Panic admitted it. He then said, if it was his job to do? Not that he would take it, but if he did. Run over by a car, hit and run? Nice and tidy.

   And, if Francois didn't take that hint. Got pissed, and doubled down. Set things up. With courage. Unafraid to die. Set things up, so they go forward after his death if it comes to it. So it can't be stopped. How do you send your next message to a man like that. Because if he isn't afraid to die? What can you even do.

   Colombian rules.

   You threaten to kill loved ones. If taking his mentor out, who was rejuvenating him and riling him up, didn't work? Hell. If friends don't work, you start on family. How do you really break a man, if he can be broken.

   You kill the wife.

   Maybe I'm losing it. This is an advanced case, of I smoked a good joint and got weird ideas. But... I can't shake it.

   "Merry. Merry. Earth, to Merry."

   "Huh?"

   "You okay, honey?"

   "Sure. Just... a little space cadet moment."

   Little Robbie quipped at me.

   "Merry? Maybe lay off the pot brownies, just saying."

   I smiled sweetly. Looked right at him.

   "Fuck you, Little Robbie."

   I held my finger and thumb close together, to emphasize it.

   "Hey. Sorry. Do your thing, honey. Have another one, see how it goes."

   "Well? I think I'll have two. I mean, if that's okay with you."

   "Hey. Its your head, do what you want with it."

   I smiled even sweeter.

   "I will."

   He got off that topic.

   "So, Panic. You, going fishing, scuba diving? Or... what."

   "Uh, I haven't decided yet. Merry?"

   "Hmm."

   "Do you, want to go fishing. Scuba diving."

   "Not really."

   "Okay. Would you rather I stayed with you? And Lightning."

   "You don't have to."

   "I know I don't have to. I asked, if you wanted me to stay."

   "Well. Actually, I would like to talk about something. But, it can wait."

   "Rob? I'm not going. No."

   "Just like that. She wears the pants now. You need permission, to go fishing."

   Panic looked at me. Looked at Rob. Back and forth several times.

   "Rob? Yeah. She wears the pants. So what. Lets all burn her at the stake for it, huh? Not to mention. Lets see here. All guys, fishing. Sausage party. Hmm. I'm sitting here, having breakfast? With two beautiful naked women."

   I have that freezing cold hand, scraping up and down my spine now. Burn me at the stake. For wearing pants. For leading. He wasn't done complaining.

   "And, Little Lightning. Honey. What do you think. Should I go fishing? Or, do you mind if I stay here, with you girls. We'll go, what. Shopping. Or, whatever you girls want. Your banana? Is the same size as her banana. What's your vote."

   "I mean, I don't feel like going fishing. If, you wanna go with us? Fine by me."

   "No Rob. You boys? Have fun. Maybe I'll go next time. Plus? Logistics. We have three scuba kits. Vlad wants to go. I've done it before. Fishing? Done it before, I'll go next time. Again? Take Vlad, He never went fishing on a boat."

   Rob held his hands up, palms out.

   "Buddy. Fine. Maybe, when we get back? Me and you can have a talk."

   "That's fine. That's later. But right now? Breakfast. Then? Shopping. Then, a little later? Who knows. Maybe, another pot candy worm orgy. You know? That would really hit the spot. I'm thinking? Two worms. Do that shit right. Lightning, you game?"

   Little Lightning shrugged, then stuck her tongue out at Rob. She smiled and said it sweetly though.

   "Sure."

   Rob furrowed his brow. Put his fork down.

   "Panic? I don't mean anything by that. Look. If... you? Wanna have a talk about it? Let me know. How's that."

   "Even better. Have fun."

   "We plan on it."

   Talk drifted to other topics. One of them, was Rob and Sky didn't have the best cell plan, for around here. Francois? Offered them help.

   "Boys. You are, still taking. My Tadpole, for the fishing, for the scuba, yes?"

   Rob looked at Skykid.

   "You offered. If the offer's still open? Sure."

   "Yes, certainly. And? Here. My phone. I have? Many. Is fine. And honey?"

   He lifted his chin at his wife.

   "Mm?"

   "Please. Give Monsieur, Skykid. Your phone. The boys? Can now? Each, have, one."

   Skykid protested.

   Francois waved his objections off.

   "I insist. I have? Many. These phone, have... all, the bars. And? You touch, these... here."

   He showed them. The navigation, fishing and boating app.

   "Look at it, you can place marks, where you like, to fish. On these one? There are, already places we catch, the fish. And? If you like, to scuba and find a place. Mark it. And, I send, two men, with you. They? Will operate, the Tadpole. If, you wish to have, a beer. Enjoy. You are? My guest."

   Skykid looked at Rob.

   "Well? If you insist. Thanks."

   "Have? The fun."