Chapter 49 - Elise

   Honestly, I'm not used to seeing any vulnerability in Elise. This is something new for me, to be sure. We did start with the basic rape therapy plan, which is always to get them talking about it. Breakdowns occur, and you start again the next session. You typically lead the sessions off with this, without any compelling reason otherwise. In most cases, they steadily improve in their retelling. Elise presented that patented cop and military bearing issue.

   So naturally she first suppressed her emotions for the telling. Its not bad for the rape victim to be able to keep their shit together, but a lifetime of suppression isn't exactly optimum either. But, she slowly gained ground. I had known the basics of her case from a long time ago. Now, I slowly got introduced to the details. I knew she was a teenager, coming home from Judo practice. Walking past the wrong alley on the way to the bus stop, she got snatched and dragged into the alley.

   I even knew the basic description, from her. Some guys are gentleman rapists. They take great pains, not to injure the victim. You get forced, but gently. Like a parent holding a child for a tantrum. Many of them even apologize afterwards, and the victims report it seems sincere.

   Elise said hers was the other kind. She spent time in the hospital in critical care. She was lucky to have survived.

   What I wasn't entirely prepared for, was the sheer brutality of her rape. Little Lightning had been drugged and gang raped, sold as a service each time. There's honestly no real way to determine how many times it happened, but Wiz did get clues to estimate. At least Light was considered a commodity, to sell her for a profit. You can't hurt the merchandise too much, or it ruins sales.

   Elise's case was vastly different. Her case was a poster child for the... its about violence, not sex thing we all hear. Her attacker was a larger guy. He came up behind her and clamped his hand over her mouth and nose, and she couldn't breathe. This gave him quick control of her, and prevented her screaming to get attention. By the time he had her down the long alley, where she was trapped and alone... she was nearly unconscious from this. His first order of business was to establish complete terror and physical control over her. He was a particularly bad sadist.

   He kept clamping his hand over her mouth and nose, to control her and enjoy his position. She said he had the Hollywood stereotypical evil laugh and chuckle. Being smothered is a horrible feeling, and he would almost render her unconscious, then bring her back, and continued on in this fashion until she was spent. She said he had a little difficulty getting it up, but that once he did... it stayed forever. Liquor dick, some mild degree of impotency, perhaps even some sort of drug that reduced his nerve sensations.

   He would pause periodically, and punch her in the face. Or the ribs. Or the abdomen and solar plexus. He seemed inordinately interested in that he had to make her obey commands. To lay still, to keep her hands down or her legs apart. Whatever. For this type of attacker, the control is one of the major features they enjoy. He took frequent breaks on his initial missionary position, I assume to lengthen his initial ride. He beat her eyes closed early into it, and broke her nose bad and her lips. She had trouble breathing, even after he was done with his smothering game. Choking on blood, and in shock... she said she had to concentrate on breathing, and not choking.

   She remembers being punched in the head until she went unconscious, and when she came to enough to realize a bit, it was face down time. Her initial missionary attack had been vaginal, this was the prolonged anal attack. It being round two, it took a lot longer.

   Now face down, he punched her in the back of the head, her neck, and her ribs and back. Any struggling, got her face or forehead mashed off the ground. She didn't remember him finishing, but he must have because they got positive swabs at the hospital both vaginally and anally. When she finally came somewhat conscious after the face down portion? Its time for more smothering fun, interspersed with oral. She got punched for not making him erect now. Other features of this tertiary phase were being urinated on, and other sundry acts of degradation.

   She said once in that position for that long, what happens is of little consequence at the time. Her unholy trinity to concentrate on... try to keep breathing in and out, try to follow instructions, try to stay conscious. Breathing was to stay conscious. Understanding and following instructions, as exactly as possible was to try to limit more punching and kicking and head off the ground. Staying conscious, was simply because going unconscious felt like dying.

   Because she was in and out of consciousness so many times, she had no way to estimate length of attack. When it was finally over, it was time to kick her around. No part of her body was off limits to being kicked. Other than a decent idea of when the attack started, there was no way to know when it ended. She came to and laid for a long time, in and out. Eventually, she managed to pull herself to the edge of the alley near enough the sidewalk to mumble for help from some passerby.

   The injuries were extensive. Most of her ribs were broken. Bad concussions. Internal bleeding and injuries. She had been punched and kicked so hard so often in places like the neck, her shoulders, her thighs and knees and elbows. She literally couldn't move and described how long it took to inch her way wiggling out to get attention for help. He most likely thought he had kicked her to death at the end. Though she didn't know until later, she had injuries both in her vaginal cavity and anal cavity alike. Foreign objects that were not smooth or uniform were used. Forced, perhaps even punched or kicked in.

   Numerous cigarette burns all over were another feature. He used places like her ears, armpits and other places to stub cigarettes out after smoking and burning her for fun. She had been urinated on liberally, though she didn't remember that either. The police had DNA out the ass, both literally and figuratively. Even sniffling fighting tears, there's the patented MP gallows humor. A couple of hairs as well. They never got a match, and her parents refused to follow up. Parents make decisions like that until you're 18, unless parents are the suspect.

   She woke up in critical care one time, her mom arguing with a cop standing guard. My daughter needs to start processing this, and putting it behind her. Not reliving it and prolonging it. Elise remembers a doctor asking her, by bending over and whispering to her. Yes and no were finger movements. She said yes, for the cops stay. The doctor told the parents that he was in charge in the hospital, not them. Cops were offering security, and he was accepting it. She finally woke up in the middle of the night, and could talk. Detective still standing guard and vigil. With her parents asleep, she got to finally give what little information she had. The detective made sure she knew he was breaking the law to try to help, because her parents forbid her to be interviewed.

   She promised she wouldn't burn him. Wow. Her first brush with the law. The better of these people? Will risk their job and being charged themselves, to do what needs done. The detective told her he had a daughter about her age. If he found the guy, though it was extremely unlikely? Because he knew the parents refused to prosecute or even try to find him? Guy simply wouldn't make it, resisting arrest and coming at him with a penknife. This, was where she first learned about justice. It was ugly and illegal to make sausage, but it tasted good. Now I understood. How she was primed and ready, to simply do what needed done. She learned young. There's no real law and order, not like we think. Its a facade. The only real law behind the pretty veneer? Was the law of the jungle. Guys with badges and guns and uniforms? Some of them were the lions.

   Once she could make a complete pass through the complete description, I now fully and completely understood how she had zero problems with mag dumping a rapist as an MP. How she sort of enjoyed hunting as rape bait for major cities with a "problem" on their hands. Finally back in Judo eventually, it was her best outlet for frustration and anger. When some smart ass girl decided to try to psych her out before the big tournament by making fun of her for being a rape victim? She had a long time ago when I first met her related that she had taken her out in the tournament by shattering her leg. Not breaking it, she emphasized the shattering part.

   Her mother's response of sending her to her own personal therapist, untrained for this type of case? Did more harm than good. The mother was concerned that if she didn't "forget this, and put it behind her"... she would never land a decent husband, because no good catch wanted damaged goods.

   Go figure she took her ladies Judo championships, and ran to the service and became an MP.

   Features of her sexual activity, run the gamut. Never a shrinking violet to begin with, she has to be in charge of the sexual activity. She has to initiate, and then control and direct the action. She controls her sexual partner physically, during sexual encounters. She never hurts them, she never forces them. But, once they give her the green light that its time for fun... she's aggressive to the point no means yes.

   Handcuffs, or other means of sexual restraint are quite common for her. The partner listens to her, and takes direction from her. Any more than a one night encounter, and she describes taking charge of the relationship. She reports that all of her sexual partners enjoy this. Both being physically controlled for sex, and being manipulated verbally or emotionally out of the bedroom.

   There is no... okay, its my turn next time. Any partner insisting they get their turn, at anything? Doesn't see her again. This is no lipstick lesbian, this is a dominant alpha female. Even if some magic light switch could be flipped, and she suddenly was a hundred over a hundred rock straight tomorrow morning? A traditional male female relationship would be a problematic prospect at best. Welcome to my world, if you even make it. Its a tall order.

   Guys fitting the requirements don't grow on trees. Height and physical strength and ability, put most men off. Of those left, you want one your height or more. Another big filter. Of those left, you want one tough and aggressive enough you still respect their masculine prowess. Then, males that don't mind a dominant female in the relationship are another minority again. Toss in a guy that doesn't mind and even appreciates it rough when you're in the mood for that? Another minority. Take out age inappropriate and gay and bisexual. Take out criminals and abject bums. Cross off retards. And any guy that fits some, is being worked on by other guys. That helpful advice that works for most men and most women. He has to have a natural inclination to successfully resist that.

   I feel like I hit the lottery, twice. With first Wizzy and now Panic. If I don't share my meals? Elise won't ever eat long enough to even look for her own source of food. I can't watch my sister starve and die that way.

   Seeing her nervous and apprehensive, looking like she was on edge and about to jump out of her skin? Was a novelty, but one I didn't enjoy. Our first exercise, was simply having her sit closer and closer for movies to Panic. He can't move towards her. She, has to move towards him. If he tries it, even jokingly? She reacts. The phobia, is clear.

   Curiously, the phobia disappears completely when dealing with men for work, fighting practice, and even socially. She giggles like a kid at play, when her and Panic do dirty wrestling for fun, practice or both. But he can't approach her privately, so much as to stand too near to her. She's fine when she approaches him.

   It took some time, to get them legs touching on the couch, watching a movie. Sleeping in the bed? Took time as well, and even then there was no replacement for Little Lightning's spot between us being empty. She'll only sleep to the outside on my side, for now. I'm in the middle, or she'll leave the bed.

   After a long acclimation period, to where she could be thigh to thigh with him watching a movie, she finally one night put her hand on his knee. Briefly. It came back off quick. Over a couple weeks, she learned to leave it there. But, he's not allowed to initiate any contact.

   She finally stared at the big widescreen TV one night, and laid her hand palm up on his thigh. He gently laid his on top of hers. She was able to maintain it for a few minutes, but she was slightly jumpy. She quickly lost that, and if she initiates holding hands, it passes now.

   We moved on to laying in bed, not doing anything, fully clothed. She can do it, but had to work on longer periods of time. She wears sweatpants and T shirts to bed. Boxers if its just me. Once she got to a certain point, she was able to move faster. The first time she put her arm around his shoulder watching a movie, was quite a triumph.

   Her phobic need for control during personal encounters, is deep rooted. The simple game of laying next to Panic, while I sit and watch how the trial goes? Can't be accomplished unless he wears handcuffs. She explains, that she knows he won't try or do anything, but it doesn't help.

   As long as she gets to handcuff his wrists, she can quickly get more and more minutes in, laying next to him. But, trying it without any restraint? She tries, but you can see her starting and stopping and it never happens. It reminds me of a person stuttering and stammering, except its a body action instead of speech.

   I was used to carefree, well... everything with Little Lightning. Not with Elise. I'm usually dominant to some degree or another in bed. Every once in a while, I'm in the mood to not be in charge. And that, is the only time I can do anything with Elise. Panic just watched initially, but he quickly came to simply ignore us. Novelty titillation over. I have him somewhere present, just for desensitization. A male present even if not active, isn't much. But something is better than nothing. A shred of a thread, but still.

   If she ever would have any kind of even mild sexual contact with Panic? It'll no doubt be with him wearing handcuffs, or nothing at all. I can't picture her having any kind of relationship with a guy. I mean, a guy that wanted a fun night or weekend, spent with a dominant female that kept him in handcuffs at bedtime would report a fun and wild weekend. That's not a relationship. That's an S&M encounter.

   "Elise?"

   "Yeah."

   "There is a lot of progress. But, there's a wall."

   "I know."

   "You describe your type. Cute, young girls."

   She shrugged.

   "Not just my type. I must be their type, too. They flirt with me first, a lot of them."

   "Lets look at your type."

   "Cute little girls. What's so bad about that."

   "They're easily controlled. Physically. You report they're smaller and weaker."

   "What are you saying. I get off on..."

   "No. Elise? I didn't say that. You just did. But, what I will say next though."

   She sighed.

   "Go on."

   "Its designed to end. Quick. You can start and end a whole relationship? From meeting and flirting, to parting ways after sex. Inside of fifteen minutes. I don't mean it the way it sounds, but... hiding in a storage closet, while doing it."

   "Some last longer. It happens."

   "Sure. Its a longer version, of the same thing. A series of weekend flings. Or, certain nights. The girl? Sneaking around a husband or a boyfriend. That's not a relationship, not really. That's a fuck buddy."

   "I'm not in the closet, Merry."

   "No. Guys get to know. If they need to. Why? Because its the easiest way to hide your phobia."

   "Maybe."

   "Do you want to know, what I think might be the big attraction with Francois's wife?"

   "Cute little thing. Likes it how I do it."

   "Sure. But, the others were like that. I think she offers you something more."

   "What."

   "No hiding. She claims you openly. You get to go out to dinner. Walk around shopping. Holding hands. I think this might be your first little taste, of something remotely resembling a real relationship."

   Elise smiled.

   "You noticed how shy she is about it."

   "Oh yeah. You know what I think, the only ingredient missing there is?"

   "Hmm."

   "She's married. Her husband does come first. They met young. They went through bad times? He couldn't make her leave, to get a better life. She's loyal."

   "Yeah. Because what girl would ever leave a billionaire."

   "Elise. Do you have any idea. What kind of cash and prizes, that little thing gets. If she leaves him? And, look at the news. You see women like that. All the time. Hell, Elise. The richest woman in the world right now? Is, simply because she divorced her husband. She might even be in the running? To take her place, if she left him. But? She didn't. Elise? I know how important loyalty is. To all you MP's. I know it comes first."

   "Could be. So, why wouldn't I just keep on... like I am."

   "Elise? What have you ever done. In your entire life? For the money. What practical decision, ever once. Was because it made you more. Did, you join the service, to find success?"

   She laughed.

   "No one joins the service, with any dreams of being rich. And if they do? Not a very bright career move, there. General's pay, is... you could probably make more money, owning a restaurant or two. Everyone knows that."

   "And. Did you do what you did in the MP's, for money?"

   "No. I could have swept the floors for six years. Made the same money."

   "And after. Being a cop. What your job there is. That ain't for the money, either. We both know that."

   "No. You know what I do, and why I do it."

   "And you can't do it forever. Even your Judo gym. What you want to retire to. Not really about the money, is it."

   "No."

   "Elise? I think the only thing you're missing, with what you have right now. Is two things."

   "Which would be?"

   "One. You're the mistress. You're not just the side piece. There's no sneaking around. But you'll always be second banana. It might be the best thing you ever came up with, but still."

   "And the second thing?"

   "I think when we were all wasted that night, and came rolling in from the surf at three in the morning. I think a couple things happened. Mind if I list them?"

   "No. Go ahead."

   "One. You didn't have any problem with us rolling around in the sand, like little kids. Laughing. You didn't jump and do anything, until Panic was grabbing your ankle. Making jokes. And a guy you thought was drunk, grabbing your ankle, even making jokes... that did set you off."

   "Hell yeah."

   "Then, though. When he wasn't mad."

   "Aw. He was a good sport about it."

   "But he made a little joke. Said you gave him half a chubby. And the next morning? Yeah, he made jokes. But... he said a pretty girl was rough with him, and he liked it. And anytime you wanted, let him know."

   "He was just being funny."

   "He was. But you said it yourself, Elise. That night me, you, and Wiz... were in that bed in that motel room, near Swellsville. Where did the joke you made, really come from. You said it? Yourself."

   She got quiet.

   "Then you said it yourself again. When you kissed me. In Thailand. You knew Little Lightning had her own relationship, finally. You wondered if there was an opening there."

   She still said nothing.

   "And? Here we are. You're hitting a wall, but... if you break through that wall? You can find out."

   She looked down and twiddled her thumbs.

   "He reminds you of Wiz."

   She nodded, that he did.

   "Isn't he... as safe as Wiz ever was? That way."

   Another nod, yes.

   "Look. I know, I'm a little... I admit it. I like to believe, that some part of Wiz came back to me. In him. I know how crazy that makes me, and maybe it just makes me feel better. But? Maybe if you tried, looking at it like that. Maybe, you could have your safe laboratory experiment. And see."

   She whispered.

   "Maybe."

   "You'll try?"

   Another even smaller whisper.

   "Yeah."

   When Francois stayed at Vlad's little rented house, out of the way on the edge of town. Elise could stay here, or there. Francois's wife was perfectly safe with Vladimir watching over her. Not that being dead wasn't the best safety measure to start off with in the first place.

   Little Lightning still comes and stays with us sometimes, there's just no more fireworks. She's graduated. She has her own thing now. Doesn't in any way mean that me and her and Panic aren't still close.

   I had to start being gentle but firm with Elise. I'm generally in charge to some degree or another in the bedroom or anywhere else me and Panic decide to kick it. When I'm in the mood to not be, I tell her. That's her cue. It didn't quite hurt her feelings to get told no, its not time for that. But, something close.

   I had to explain to her, as gently and as artfully as I could. I'm not one of her pickups. She didn't find me, go through some rudimentary flirting, then get a green light. I'm not one of her cute little sex toys she located and got a signal from. When I'm not in that zone, which is honestly most of the time? She can't shower with me.

   This is new for her. She wants something, she needs something that she's looking for. And allowing her to take what she wants and drop it and move on at the first hint it might be anything other than all in her control? Is new. I did get to see what its like, to give her the green light, though. My consent. When I'm in the mood for that.

   Once she has consent? That's it. She moves in. I get grabbed and kissed. Big. Yes means yes. No means yes. It was a rush the first time I allowed it, and it still is. Every time. I get crowded into the corner. Grabbed and no not taken for an answer. Her hand goes down, and... my body responds. Its essentially, a fun pretend rape. The shower time then, is much the same. And dragged off at her will to the bed, to the couch, to anywhere really. For more of the same.

   He watches. Amused. He can't come in and enjoy the shower with us. She's seen our tub time after the shower. She takes that, too. She likes it. I end up in Panic's spot. Her behind me, her legs around over my hips. Her feet down between my legs. For talking and close time. Its after a thorough shower, but I still get the washrag over me.

   She marveled at my shower care ritual. And my careful drying off afterwards. When that lamp is lit? She wants that from me, instead of me getting my rituals from him. She likes getting dried off carefully. The pampering. In the shower, in the tub, then getting dried.

   I told her finally. Why don't you try caring for me the same way. If someone isn't just your sex toy that you control and get what you want from, there's a reciprocation. And so, again when that lamp was lit... she did. I got all the same shower care, that my ritual craves. My hair thoroughly shampooed, then moisturized and brushed carefully back. The little grit in the body wash, scratching me gently. The attentive oiling and rinsing, and the final hair brushed back again.

   She looked for my approval, and I gave it. She finally asked permission. Could she do it for me, without her lamp lit. I told her we'll try it and see. It'll be when I'm not in that mood. Anything else? Is a no. This is about physical closeness, and its distinct and apart from sex. Its in addition to the sexual activity, though it doesn't have to be. This is something a real couple enjoys, with no fireworks.

   That seemed to break some kind of ice.

   She marvels at our rituals. After shower and tub in the mornings, I always enjoyed being dressed. I taught Wiz to do it, as initially part of our own hot game, but it took on its own life. I enjoy the same with Panic. When we were going for a morning run, she watched him carefully dress me, then tie my jogging shoes. Then, the little kiss on each bow. Like you do for a little girl.

   When Light came and stayed, she saw him still doing it for her. Even without sex. Light still smiles and gets bittersweet. Remembering Wiz doing this for her every morning. Little Lightning even had a conversation with her at the big table, for their own breakfast. She had brought the baby in. For Uncle Panic and Aunt Merry to ogle it and enjoy it some. I heard some but not all of their conversation. Light explained, that she once had no idea what love even was. Sex and love were the same thing.

   Elise didn't talk much in that conversation. Its dawning on her more than just words in therapy sessions. Love really is something apart from sex. She reported in a therapy session how she had introduced the shower care game to her girlfriend. Then, she surprised her. With doing it for her. Then dressing her, back. I asked her how it went. She said she smiled and had a kind of glow on her. She snuggled up to her on the couch for a movie. All smiles and happy. They fed each other snacks, while Vlad and Francois were out night fishing.

   She had felt it. The other thing. What was missing, with her random encounters. Then, not long after. It happened. Her lamp was lit. She went about it, in her usual way. Then stopped. She took me out of the corner, and moved us around. She stood in the corner. Just looking at me. Even though I was in the mood for something else, I played her part. I kissed her. My way. My usual way. Big. She just let me. I touched her. She let me, for once. I led her to the bed, and gently took charge. I did to her. For her. What she normally did for me.

   I rewarded her. When her lamp wasn't lit, which admittedly was most of the time? If she enjoyed that, I would start to, and see how it went. But I had to be firm if gentle about it. I can only do that. Lamp lit or out. With Panic there. She showed steady improvement after that point. Slow but steady incremental progress.

   When she asked if she could try to let the dressing ritual happen, she had to explain. She meant me doing it for her. I told her when her lamp was lit next time, we'll see. She enjoyed it. When her lamp wasn't lit, though. She had that confused look on her face. Then, she did it for me.

   It wasn't long later after that. She wanted to try her laboratory experiment. In this safe environment. I stayed up and watched a movie on low. She was in her boxers and a T shirt. It was arranged for the attempt. She bit her lip, and slowly pulled up the covers. He laid down next to her, but not touching. She covered them up. It took her a while. Starting and stopping. Finally, she sneaked her arm to rest over him. Just for a couple minutes. Then after several attempts, at different times. Experimenting, in the safe laboratory.

   Clearly scared and trembling. She slowly scooted up behind him. And got her arm over him. She couldn't go to sleep like that, but she could finally do it. After it became more routine and less scary, she finally slept in the middle for the first time. On me, her arm and leg over me. Like I usually sleep with Panic, my sleeping pose. He stays back when she does this.

   After more time, she finally fell asleep laying on him after yet another laboratory experiment. She woke up disoriented, but recovered. After that, she started letting him in bed, on his side though. While she did something with me, on my side. She gave her first mom kiss at the door, telling him to have a nice day. He was just going out to get coffee and donuts for us. But still.

   Finally, the moment came. Her lamp wasn't lit at the time. She was in the middle, but her version of in the middle is laying on me. We were touching and kissing. She whispered in my ear. She wanted to try it. I gave her human microphone. Try what.

   She wanted touched. Just to try it. A little. I nodded. She had his hands on her shoulders. A little rub, some gentle neck and shoulder massage. She shook and trembled, but got through it. I told her we could quit, that was enough for one time. She shook her head. First, it was scratch my back. She likes to have her back scratched. That went better. Then, she wanted her back scratched. Up under her T shirt. Just to try. That went all right, after a few starts and stops on her command.

   Then, the big moment. She scooted over to the middle of the bed. The actual middle. She was still on me, arm and leg slung over me. She thought he could come up behind her, and lay against her. When she quit shaking, she whispered in my neck. She wanted touched. Just a little.

   It went slow, and it took time. Gentle cupping of her breast through her T shirt. She clung and clutched onto me something fierce. She closed her eyes and asked if it was all right, that even though she knew better... was it okay to make believe it was me. I told her that was fine. When she could open her eyes and wasn't as afraid of that, I felt her hand go off of me. Back, under the covers. Towards him.

   I could feel what was going on, we were laying up against one another. She had brought his hand around, to touch her. On her boxers. She wasn't breathing heavy and threatening to hyperventilate from sexual excitement. This was intense and deep rooted phobia. While she never fully settled down, I could feel her crying in my neck, clinging onto me for dear life through it. She held his wrist in her tight grip, to let him know it was okay. She finally had her moment.

   I kissed her and calmed her down when it was over. I could feel her up against me. She had gotten wet. She had came. She fell asleep with us like that. In Light's position, between us. Sandwiched all warm and comfortable under the covers. Close and affectionate. It reminded me of a little kid climbing into bed, scared of a thunderstorm somehow. I used to baby sit a young relative when they stayed for a few weeks in the summer, when I was young. Its like a cat coming under the covers, afraid of the lightning and thunderstorm rocking the farmhouse.

   Things went slowly and surely after that. She had tromped on the ice enough, and finally cracked it. It gave away under her, and she fell through into the scary other side. Except it wasn't exactly like that. She was trapped all these years, under the ice. In cold water. When she finally broke through the ice? That was her coming up from underneath, not falling through.

   She finally had what Little Lightning had all those years ago. She had escaped a long time ago, but she now was finally free. She split her time between her girlfriend, and staying with us. When she was finally able to shower with us, Panic treated her to shower care. And, the intimate drying off afterwards. She blushes as she enjoys it.

   Little Lightning knows what Elise's place is, with us. She smiles and says nothing. She knows what's been accomplished. Elise might never get back to the baseline. Her real baseline, she started out from. Before some monster claimed her, and made her another one of his victims. But she's moved into a real identity now. She's clearly bisexual now, and talks about it as close to what normal would be to her, as it maybe can.

   When she's with us, she sits on the edge of the bed next to me in the morning. After shower ritual, and drying ritual. When her lamp isn't lit. She marvels at being dressed after I get the same. Her jogging shoes getting laced up and tied tight. That little kiss on the bows, like a little girl would enjoy.

   Panic's amazed he has his own kid now. Even if Light and JG raise it. Its a little boy. Little Lightning really did give me and Panic both, the biggest present she could. I'm finally starting to think that the universe might actually be done with me. With Panic, with Elise.

   Panic's little present isn't going to stay little for long. Little Lightning, isn't that little, after all. Her father, was some really tall Swedish welder. Tall, like my dad. He's only a couple years old, but he's sprouting up like a weed. He's talking and reading early, just Like Wiz. Just like Panic did as a toddler. He's quiet, sweet, and sensitive. Like I imagine Panic was as a little boy. Before the world got a hold of him, and ruined it.

   Panic was inordinately concerned for many years, about having his own kid. Mainly, what if his kid... was born like he was. Emotions not showing on his face or through body language. He's finally calming down, accepting my constant reassurances. No. Panic was also worried, because he's read. That there were related conditions that he could pass on. Again? I can't find anything. As I said though, he's finally calming down about worrying. Whatever "normal" even is, if you think of it as the average of anything? I can only report the boy seems to be taller, brighter, and seemingly just a little more sensitive.

   Panic reminds me so much of Wiz, but you know that. After Wiz died, I got to meet Wiz's father. A bull of a man, but inordinately sweet and polite. Protective, though. I know that kind of guy. Like the friendly bottle fed bulls. A big bottle baby. They follow you around, like a giant calf. And nothing else, is allowed near you. That's what I'm seeing in Panic.

   He might have masks for facial expressions and manufactured body language, but I know the real him. I can read through it. He's overjoyed. All fathers are protective, just about. But not like this. Running around the campsite, bugs were moving near the campfire ring. Warmth on a slightly chilly night. One of the boys in to the range, had a glow on. He was bidding him to step on them. Like I said, kid's really sensitive. He doesn't want to. Guy made the mistake of laughing at him, and calling him not a sissy, but something close.

   I saw Little Robbie stand up across the way, all six and a half feet of him. I saw Panic give him a little wave. Another one to JG and Light as well. I saw his dropped face, and I know what that means. He's not at all pleased, but he's patient. When the drunk guy went for a piss behind the bunkhouse, Panic discreetly followed him.

   I know what went on. Just, a polite little talk. No harm. No foul. You didn't even know what you were doing. But, you do now. And don't you ever do that again. We're having this polite little talk in private, so you don't have to feel embarrassed about it. But don't ever do that again.

   Whole different drunk guy, when he reappeared again. He probably got treated to a little bit of dropped face, before the grin mask went back on.

   To Panic, that's the greatest gift anyone could have given him. I can't have kids. No matter how bad I wanted to, I could never give that to him. Little Lightning could, so she did. So, after everything is said and done, and the universe decided it had asked enough from all of us. Even rewarded us in different ways, each of us.

   That's Panic's present.