Chapter 40 - Queen's Gambit V

   Things were going well. Other than the attempt on Francois and his wife, of course. And, excepting the Uncle Mike situation. Which, the more me and Panic thought about it? We supposed it made sense. Some, anyways. The FBI is a clearing house, for information of all kinds. They sort it and package it, and ship it around to whatever relevant agency can make the most use of it. If Mike developed a working relationship with the least violent cartel out there, and gets information he couldn't get otherwise? We didn't think we were grasping at straws too badly, to chalk it up to that. Not like the FBI has dick for jurisdiction over that anyways. Might as well get what information you can. He passes it onto the DEA, is what made the most sense to us.

   We related as much to JG, and that did calm him down some. Plus? Mike wasn't burning agents. We were proof of that. In fact, he had said Panic had parking tickets, so the guy had some records on him. Making Panic more real, to the General. So, back to only worrying about the attempt on Francois and his wife. Which, was going along better than we could have hoped.

   We decided to take a night for us. Me, Panic and Little Lightning. We walked the beach, we frolicked in what we now thought of as our cabana. Things were in a much less festive mood, and so we had the private beach to ourselves. We took the precaution of hiding our clothes much better this time, naturally. Francois's wife had gifted us a couple boxes of the bears and worms, and said to have fun. She assured us, they had stacks of them.

   We all agreed. We were going to have a bear each, to get going, then... since we weren't partying or drinking otherwise anyways? We went with two worms each, right off the bat. Little Lightning volunteered, to be in the middle. That always was her euphemism, for being submissive that night. Me and Wiz had always wanted her to choose for herself. I was submissive by choice, once in a while. She was usually submissive, and only wanted to play at being in charge in bed, once in a while.

   As the bear came and went, we had already frolicked in the cabana. It wasn't the sexual frenzy it easily could have been. Light choosing the middle, had her in truth and dare mode. Stuck in it. Panic ended up asking her, which Wizzy he liked better. Wizzy one, or Wizzy two. I whacked him across his hip, but we all laughed. Panic added. You don't have to answer that.

   "No. I can. And, I have to tell the truth, right?"

   He added.

   "Only if you want."

   I added as well.

   "Only if you can."

   She mused.

   "I can. And I mean, without losing my shit. And? I've been giving this a lot of thought. I know the other night? It accidentally came out of my mouth. No one kicks my Wizzy."

   I heard him tap her affectionately. The surf was very light tonight.

   "I was honored, honey."

   "No problem. And, you really are... so much like him? Its scary sometimes. Good scary. And, I'm glad Merry found you. Or, you found her. You two? Bumped into each other."

   She paused. God, we're all picking up Francois dramatic speaking pause. Panic? Has a tendency at times, to go into a sort of a run, mild pressured speech. Excited, like a little kid. Its innocent and honest, and he can say something without the filter on it. And that's honesty. That's, on the mind on the lips, as my grandma would have said of it.

   "But I have to tell the truth, right?"

   He reiterated.

   "You don't have to. Its just a game."

   She rolled over, and put her hand on his cheek.

   "Hey. Who's the one gonna get hurt by the truth now, anyways. I've had years of therapy. I lived with my own therapist. Believe me. I can talk about it, Merry's the one I worry about, sometimes."

   Truth or dare? Is supposed to be a lot more about fun and embarrassment, I'm pretty sure. But, as a trained therapist originally? We're taught to figure out when to keep our mouth shut. Let the client do the work for us, that we can't do.

   The realization flooded over me. I can feel it. Because... well? Because two worms, duh. As a therapist? I'm really just the Teddy Ball. I'm supposed to be some kind of all knowing, all seeing oracle. But a therapist isn't. The client guides a lot of it, and really? Sort of asks their own questions, and gets their own answers. I just put the words out that they're thinking and might have trouble coming around to.

   To clients? A good therapist might seem like the great and powerful Oz, but... I'm really just a built up thing. My voice seems to have more power, because my time is limited, and I guide the conversation some. I'm that little man behind the curtain. In reality? I'm just a soccer ball and the client is basically finally answering their own questions.

   An insightful bartender with the right personality and lukewarm IQ? Can do what I do. I just get a bunch of books and pamphlets, to try to cut down on the on the job training time.

   "Light? I'm pretty sure. I'm... fixed, or... as fixed as I could ever hope for now."

   Light sighed.

   "Panic? Wizzy number two."

   "Yeah."

   "You're wonderful. But, I'd be lying? If I didn't say there isn't a part of me, that liked Wizzy one, just a tiny bit more. Sometimes. Just a little."

   "Its fine, little one. Guy was all that and a bag of chips. I wish I met him."

   "They say you always remember your first love. As a little kid? You just assume, mom loves you. I can barely remember dad. When I got older? The bad thing happened. I found out, my mom didn't really love me. All those crayons, all those coloring books. The dance lessons. I guess, I was fooled. Thought that was love. I mean, you can bribe a three year old, to think they love you. Just, show up with candy. Kid will think you invented love."

   She sat up, and looked out at the moon coming up. We let her go.

   "I can shut up, anytime."

   Neither of us said anything.

   "Did I fuck some older boys? Hell yeah. Not like I got in trouble. Mom said I needed experience, to learn how to handle boys. That wasn't love, Wiz. That? Is a trade. What Vladimir would call... a business meeting. Its a transaction."

   She paused. When she gets the body rock from a worm going? Some tingle in her face, has her move an errant strand of hair, back over an ear. Whether its there or not.

   "There's a popular boy. He has a cool car, too. And the girls are jealous, if you can get him to pick you. You, get rode around and your friends get to see you. In that cool car. With that boy they think is so cool. He makes a move, eventually. He kisses you. If you kiss him back? He touches you. If you touch him back? You get a quickie. We liked... car boys. We called it? A hole shot. Which, is when the boys were racing. If you get a good start, a good... launch? That's a good hole shot."

   Another strand of hair that isn't there.

   "Thought I was really something. First? All those coloring books, and crayons. Every color crayon and colored pencil, and... felt tip marker known to man. I got to dance? Out in front. Now? I'm friends with the older girls. I'm landing boys with cool cars. Thought I was really... successful. Mom? Said I was doing... great. I was 14. The hell did I know."

   A hair on the other side.

   "But later on? It was just a trade. I get to look good? He gets a quick hole shot. Looking back. Mom? That wasn't love. I don't even know what that was. It was fucked up, is what it was. But, the boys and the cars? That's not love."

   She sighed.

   "Panic, honey? It all went away. Overnight. Gone. I was completely alone? And, my mom. I just stayed the fuck out of her way. Or I got kicked around. Literally. My best friend? Some old, soccer ball I found somewhere. Teddy Ball? Did more for me than my mom ever did. He's sitting right there? I won't lie to him. How fucked up, is that. A soccer ball, loved me more than my mom did. No more girlfriends. No more boyfriends."

   "But... this is about, if I liked Wizzy one more, if even in some little way. And honest? Not, taking a shot at Merry, but... he was working on me, first. He would, ask us athlete girls out. One, after another. It was what he wanted, I guess. But, when he got to me? He didn't move on, like the others. He, just kept trying."

   Panic asked it.

   "If this guy was, so great. I mean, what was your problem."

   Light laughed.

   "Panic? Ask Merry. This ain't no sob story. Hell, its worse than I'll tell it. Fuck it. You know the basics. And I bet Merry told you more, in private. My mom? Was having me... I would get drugged. And, everyone bought tickets, to line up to fuck me. Then, I'd get driven around? For more parties, wherever else it was going on. This? Would go on, for... twelve hours, when it happened."

   We said nothing.

   "I didn't even know. Just thought... my boyfriend? I was drunk, and he had fun last night. Then? One night. I remembered it. All of it. I saw it, I heard it. I smelled it, I tasted it. And that was bad enough, but... turned out? It went on, who knows how many times. Ten, twelve, fourteen times? No way to tell. That, was just the last time. That I remembered. That I knew. It quit, because I knew, but... after that? Just the town whore. And, I really wasn't. My mom would kick me around, I guess I put a stop to making her money. The whole town? Made fun of me. Right out in the open."

   Nothing out of us.

   "This went on? Four years. I found out? I can't kill myself. I found Teddy Ball. Or, he found me. I talked to him. Like, a Teddy Bear. He told me what to do. He could fix it. And, before I knew it? Everything was just as horrible as ever, but... when I played soccer. While I was practicing. While I was playing. Things were temporarily different. I was good enough? No one was allowed to make fun of me, during practice or games."

   She sighed.

   "And the away games? I loved it. More than anything else. That other town? They didn't know I was the town garbage dump. I was Little Lightning. I can use both my feet almost equally. From dancing. So, I was Little Miss Two Feet. You couldn't stop me on either side. And Teddy's games? I had accuracy. I would, on weekends? Go to this old abandoned garage. Hit stuff. For accuracy. Out of the air. One time it, and I had to hit little stuff. I sometimes did it? For... 24 or 36 hours. Straight. Until I just collapsed."

   No crying out of her though.

   "Because if I wasn't good enough? I couldn't get out. I got just enough good grades those last four years, but... not enough to really get paid to go to college. Just the bare minimum to get in. But? Only, if soccer paid for it. I didn't want to be the best soccer player. I had to be. Or, I was either going to have to kill myself? Or I was going to kill someone. And either way, that would end my life."

   She shook her hair and threw it back.

   "After I got the winning goal, for the all stars game my senior year? I woke up in the hospital. I'll never remember the last quarter, ever. I just know it to see the clips. All I know? I woke up in the hospital, and... there's my coach. Hovering over me, like he's waiting on Christ to rise on the third day. I was called, the Pride of the Midwest. I couldn't believe it. He said? Big colleges were ringing his phone off the hook. They wanted to recruit me. I realized. I finally made it."

   She sighed.

   "I was finally, what. People wanted me. People would love me. Take care of me. As long as I was the best. Any college that had a girls soccer team? I could basically, just pick. What do I know. I let my coaches pick one. I tell you something, though. I was all fucked up. Merry, and Wizzy? That, was the first time. Someone actually loved me and wanted me? And I didn't have to be the best. They just, loved me. They loved me, and I hated myself."

   She chuckled.

   "Wizzy? He, what. Took revenge. People died? And they deserved it. But, when they killed Wizzy? Talk about guilt. He set things right? And they killed him for it. And yeah. You are a lot like Wizzy. I can see where Merry thinks you're... some part of him came back. She says you died and they started your heart. In your, war. I mean. To me? If that's not it, then its just like that. What's the diff."

   She did hair over the ear that wasn't again.

   "But this wasn't about my sob story. This, was about if I liked Wizzy one, a little more than Wizzy two. Wizzy, was. I said it. He spent a lot of time, trying with me. I couldn't. For one thing? Merry all but saved my life. I couldn't take the guy I knew she had the biggest crush on. And I'd have just fucked it up anyways. Cause I was fucked up. Sex? Was like soccer. If I was the best at it, well... I can have a couple weeks with a boy I liked. I mean, you gotta eat, right?"

   Another hair that wasn't, the other ear.

   "But, here's the thing. He wanted me. He, didn't know anything about me. And back then? Merry's lying if she doesn't say it. Everyone, thought Wizzy was... just a computer nerd. A pushover, even though he jogged all the time and lifted weights with the army guys. She was fascinated with him? She had the cutest, biggest crush ever... but she wouldn't pull the trigger."

   She smiled.

   "Then? I found out. Completely on accident, by the way. He just might not be like that. He might actually be? Some kind of, tough guy. And you know? It turned out... he was. Then? Merry pulled the trigger. Found a way to, meet him. Finally. But, this is about the truth, right?"

   Panic said it was.

   "Well. I liked him just fine. I didn't care if he was a computer god, and was some kind of pushover. Guys with nice cars, and tough guys? Most of them act like dicks. I looked a boy up, looked him down? In ten seconds, I know if I want to go to his room. Or not. But, I couldn't. But yeah. He was such a sweet, nice, polite guy. But, I can get a different guy. She can't. Then, the way everything turned out? Was weird."

   She giggled.

   "You? Wizzy two. You're... just like he was. The, intellectual thing. Spitting image of him that way, believe me. But, you're a lot more of a tough guy. Its not bad. You're real polite and sweet, just like him. But... okay. And then? He started taking me and Merry down to his friends. The computer club, I called it. Those people? They loved me and Merry. They treated us like gold. Wizzy? Until all the jocks found out, he was actually a... tough guy and all. All of a sudden? They liked him just fine then. But, before that? No. But, here we were. Jock chicks, and these computer guys treated us like gold."

   Hair that wasn't there, back over both ears. One after another.

   "Looking back on it, after all these years? Maybe, I liked his sweet side, just a little more than... his tough guy side. And I mean, how horrible is that for me to say. Guy got killed, being a tough guy, doing what he did. For me. God, the guilt I had to process."

   She shook her head.

   "I don't need the guy, to be... any more than a normal guy, that way. And don't get me wrong. Its impressive, when a guy is, you know, that macho? As long as he's still sweet and polite. Like you are. But? You know what I wish for you. That, you could finally. One day. Be just, done with all this? Stuff. God, I love it when I see you at your computer. That, is what reminds me the most of Wizzy one. Or, when you're working on something. Figuring things out. He liked puzzles, too."

   She shook her head some more, which causes more phantom hair strand removal.

   "Merry does it, too. She's almost got herself killed now, how many times? Christ. She got shot when Wizzy one got killed. She almost got killed, in DC. Then? Carloads, of dirty cops coming up from DC. She's in this wild shootout. I don't know how she lived through that, but thank god she did. She's got a hole in her throat, she died that night, and you brought her back. I admit, I'm jealous of her sexy deep rusty voice. Then, what. She almost drowned. She, almost froze to death."

   She tittered.

   "What's with you two. Are you guys trying to get yourselves killed? Cause if that happens, I got nobody. And, I feel so selfish saying that, on account of... I realize how important this is now. But... why does it have to be you guys all the time. Isn't there anyone else, in the whole country, that can handle shit like this?"

   "So, there it is. Honestly. When, the dirty town was taken down. I figured, it was all over. I was looking forward, to... Wizzy going back to being... just the Wizzy I met at first. This guy? Was patient, polite. Really sweet. He taught me to cook. He, made me... what. Respectable. Poor guy doesn't even live to see it."

   She hung her head.

   "When this is over. I mean... what's next. Every, damn, one.. of these, things? Its always bigger. More dangerous. If we would have went fishing, while the boys were scuba diving? We'd all three, be dead. But I feel so guilty, saying that? Because... I'd be dead, if you two hadn't of... the guy in the alley that time."

   She rolled her eyes.

   "Or, am I some kind of asshole. I get... things made right, what happened to me. You guys saved my life. I feel like I can't complain. I just... I wish it could one day? Just, all be over."

   She shrugged.

   "I want to... Junior? But I'm so used to... its so safe. I'm terrified. That if I go and forge ahead, with JG. What if something happens, it doesn't work out. I feel bad, if I want to come back. I guess? I'm just scared. But the truth. That's what this is all about. When I'm laying in my bed. Junior is laying next to me. We're just playing his retro gaming console. I... feel like I did, when Wizzy would take us down to that computer house, the one the computer crew friends of his lived in."

   She giggled.

   "I guess, those were the good old days. What. Before, people were getting killed, and... JG? I figure he'll come home every night. My heart won't be in my mouth, every time he goes away for a couple weeks. Like, I worry about with you two, when you get on these... things."

   I put my arm around her, in the mild surf.

   "Light. Honey. Don't feel guilty. We? We both, do things like this, because... its hard to explain. We feel like, no one else will."

   I stopped. I looked at Panic.

   "Panic? Maybe she's right. When exactly, is it all over."

   "Wow. Tough question. I remember, coming home. Me, Skykid, Robbie. Hey, we're done. Live the good life. Its... all over. Then? I thought I had a way to find the Smiley Face Killer. Then I was done. It led to... stuff. I remember saying the same thing, when we were done with the Alley Shadow. I can relax now. All done. Now? Somehow. Here I am again."

   We looked at him. Didn't sound like he was done.

   "Every time? I feel like... this? Is really it. This, is the important thing I was put on earth, to accomplish. Its my purpose. Then? Always something else comes up. And, each and every time. Its, more important. Back to you, Merry. When does it end. When, do we retire."

   We're all getting waxed on two worms each. The pulsations, are hypnotic. The, introspection is like truth serum. My lifelong therapy client? Is getting me to admit things I couldn't see the forest for the trees. The cobbler? Has no shoes of her own, sometimes.

   "Hey. Light? I'm the therapist. I thought."

   "Hey. Maybe I should just, what. Stay in my lane. I'd be dead, if you guys weren't like you are."

   "Panic? Maybe she's right. When are we just... done. It has to end sometime."

   Lightning laughed, but it wasn't for humor. If anything, gallows humor.

   "I'd like it to end, and... you know. The, good way. Not... you know. But? Yeah. I'm not stupid. I'm... seeing how important it is this time. But, let me ask you guys. When do you, get the gold watch."

   "Panic? She's asking us."

   He mused.

   "Maybe? Its all been, so I was ready? For this. Merry? Can this be the last time."

   I shrugged.

   "Maybe? It could. Panic. Back to you."

   He sighed. Not a normal one. A big inhalation. Held it, exhaled slow. Its his calming rhythm. Its what he does, before he shoots from the bench. For tiny groups, target shooting. He did it several times, then looked up.

   "It has to end sometime, Merry. If it doesn't? Me, you, both of us... you know what the quick retirement program is."

   That, was a sobering way to put it. Light just... looked at us. Like we came from Mars.

   "Listen to you two. I think I know what you two are. Adrenaline junkies. You get so used to it, nothing else comes close. Is that it?"

   Christ. Talk about full circle. Now? Its come around the bend, and we're back home. Except, Little Lightning is my therapist now.

   "Not really, honey. Its... when Wiz died? He... gave me a code, to live by. Its what he lived his life by. I wanted what he had. That feeling, that... your life really mattered. You weren't just one of the sheep, milling around. Bleating, fucking, eating? Then you die and more sheep replace you."

   She just looked at me.

   "That's it? All this time, I thought you were trying to get yourself killed, to make up for... you know what."

   "Honey? Elise. Target. Hell, Wiz himself. They lived by this code. I wanted it? Before Wiz was even gone."

   "Well, Merry. Your life? It mattered. It still matters."

   I couldn't help it. Damn worms. I simply barked at her.

   "Stay in your lane, you spoiled bitch!"

   And that did it. We all three cracked up. All, holding our tummies.

   Light wasn't done.

   "Merry?"

   "Yeah."

   "What's with, you gave me a fat letter. Made me swear, not to open it. Until you came home."

   "Oh. No big deal."

   She waited. Perusing the stars.

   "No. I get it. That letter? Its... like the letter we had to go and read. The one Wizzy gave his dad. Isn't it."

   I looked at Panic. He looked at me. I figured, fuck it.

   "Honey? That's... just in case. I mean, if something, god forbid, would happen? Its for you, to... there's a few things for you. To go and get."

   She stared at us, bug eyed.

   "You wrote out, what. Your... wills? What the fuck!"

   "Honey, its not like its likely it happens... its, just in case."

   She giggled.

   "Yeah. Just in case, you decided to fish, while the boys were scuba diving. Flip, a, coin."

   "Light. We didn't expect all this, to..."

   She shook her head.

   "You know why I'm like this?"

   I calculated.

   "One bear, two worms. Three people immaculately fucked up, and getting worse by the minute. Couldn't be that."

   "I'm pregnant, you idiots. I want the kid, to have. What. Parents. An aunt, an uncle. God parents? Something."

   I was flabbergasted. I assumed, she was fucking with us. Two worms fun.

   "Right."

   "No. They don't do the rabbit anymore? But, if they did. The rabbit lived."

   "So. Junior, is..."

   "Merry. Are you retarded? We talked about this. You? Can't have kids. As fucked up as I once was, still am, or ever might be... my twat works. I did it. As long as nothing happens? You get to have a kid."

   "And, JG is going t---"

   "No. I ain't fucked anyone, except you and Wizzy number two. Sitting right there. I mean, not like I get wasted all the time, but, I'll have a drink or two. You didn't notice, I had fruit juice only?"

   "Honestly, honey. You could have... given us a little broader hint, than that."

   "Well? I just did."

   "I don't know what to say."

   "Merry? Say... gee, Light. Thanks, for the most awesome present, ever. How many damn times, have I heard you say it. Gee, I wish I could have his kid. So? I got it. Its yours, if you want it. Or, you can be aunt and uncle."

   "I don't know what to say."

   "Say... I promise I won't get killed this time, and I promise I'm done trying to get myself killed."

   "Okay. I'll see what I can do."

   "Merry? I can't do... I mean. Look at you two. You're worried about, helping to save, what. Liberia. The future of the economy of the country we live in. Me? I don't get to be so important. The hell did I ever matter. In the bigger scheme of things. I kicked a stupid ball around, and it got me some degrees. What. I edit some video files. I don't get to... really matter. But this. Its about all I can do, I think. I owe you my life. I owe Wizzy my life, and he's gone. Because of me. You? Can't ever have Panic's kid. I can. I did it."

   I looked at Panic.

   "We have to... this? Its it. We take the gold watch."

   He looked like he just got kicked in the face.

   "Yeah."

   "Panic? I realize this is a shock, but... you might wanna be a little more... happy? In front of the mother of your own child? Or, do I have to smack you upside the head."

   "Now I'm scared."

   "Of what? We have money."

   "Lightning?"

   "Yeah."

   "I'm... I'm not... honey? I have something wrong with me. I was born, different."

   "You're a great guy. There's nothing wrong with you, in my book."

   "I grew up weird, because of it. Until I figured everything out. I don't want... to watch. My kid? Struggle like that. I figured? Whatever's wrong with me. It should die with me. My genes? Aren't worth passing on."

   That was it. She fucking attacked him. Only way I can describe it. She tackled him, smothered his speech with her lips and tongue.

   She whispered to him.

   "Fuck that noise. The world? Needs more of you. Not less."

   Christ. I've always said that. Men like Wizzy, men like Panic. The sigma males. We're deliberately or inadvertently, breeding them out. And we're fucked for it. Look at this situation. Bad alphas? Running goddamn wild, no checks on their bullshit they pull. This shit? Would never have gotten half this far? Before 1950. The sigma males, and the alphas? Would have come for these rude motherfuckers, with torches and pitchforks.

   Panic joked. He was scared to fuck her briskly. He didn't want to hurt the baby. We all laughed like lunatics.

   The reverie? Its coming. The serious and oh so introspective talk? Subsides slowly over time. We're not tired, but we get lethargic. The rhythmic pulsations? Are stronger and warmer, but more affectionate than ever. I don't know what Panic's will be, but if it ends up being Spanish lessons? Fine. Light is hugging Teddy ball, telling him he's going to be Uncle Teddy. And really, Tedward, how great is that.

   I'm bracing myself. I'm awaiting a deeper and more realistic council? Than ever before, I imagine. The double worm pulsations? And really, one worm is more than enough. Two? It feels like the rhythms come out of the sand and the ocean and the earth itself. Its almost shaman level material I'm waiting on. My vision.

   I feel like, I don't know what. A kid, waiting to see how I did on the test I took Friday, and its Monday. Baited breath.

   I'm not scared. Its more as if I'm... excited, nervous. Some apprehension, but expectant as well. Like I'm in a class again, hoping I got a B at least, although I feel like I got an A.

   Its Joan. She leads a lot. She's in her armor and her cloak, but she has her chalice, and its silver like normal. She smiles. She has a sip, and hands it to me. I get my sip. My sacrament. I ask her. That's... it?

   She smiles. Nods, yes. She puts the queen down, but on the table. No chessboard. I know. The queen gets moved, but... I know this already. Its in motion. She shrugs. Wow. Joan? Is happy with me. How much more could I try to be, if she's okay with everything. As a woman, you just can't be much more than she ever was.

   I closed my eyes. Hands over closed eyelids. When I open them. Its Napoleon. He's rarely happy. But? He's as close as ever that I've seen it.

   "The game? Its going good. Just don't forget, the traitors. You don't get them? There's almost no point."

   "So, what do I do now."

   "You're winning, you imbecile. Just don't fuck it all up. Stay on point. Watch every move. Slow and careful. But, if you don't do something incredibly stupid? You grind out the win. Be careful. Get the traitors. Then? Just see it through."

   I waited.

   "I'm proud of you, you know."

   "Really?"

   He nods yes.

   "Its how I started out, you know."

   "What do you mean."

   "At first? It was all about, proving myself. But? After a while. It was about realizing. I was the only person? Who could do it. So I did it. And yes. At the end? I'm embarrassed of that. The whole, emperor part. But? Learn from my mistake. Just, quit when you're ahead."

   "What. Now."

   "Well. Not right now, you fool. Finish what you started. But, this is in the bag. Just watch it carefully. Then? Yes."

   "Yes what."

   "Success. Enjoy it. Share it with those, around you. Don't try to be, the empress. Just... enjoy it, and be happy. Don't do what I did."

   "Okay."

   "All I ask. I'd ask if you want some, dancing monkeys to perform for you? But, I think I have something better for you."

   "What's that."

   "I have someone here. They're just dying to talk to you."

   "Who is it."

   "I think you know."

   "Who."

   He smiled. Then waved. He got up and walked off, wherever Joan had gone.

   I rubbed my fists to my eyes, and when I was blinking again. It was him.

   "Hi honey."

   Its Wizzy. He looks like he did, when nothing was amiss. Like he just got up and stretched, after a long several hours at his laptop. On a summer night and he could stay up late and enjoy it.

   I'm not crying, but I have tears streaming down my cheeks. I touch my cheeks in real life? The streaks are there. I couldn't cry for all those years.

   "I miss you."

   "I know. You think I don't miss you? Of course I do. We'll be together. Eventually. When its time. Its not that time yet. When it comes? I'll still be here."

   "Are you... okay?"

   "Sure. Why wouldn't I be. I'm here. I'm with my little dog. My cat. I spend every day with my mentor. Couldn't be better."

   "You... can see. Everything."

   "Sure. You know we can see you. I told you that."

   "But, how can you be... there. You said, you'd come back to me."

   "My soul. Part of it. The part that can come back? It did. I passed it on. But... I'm here now. I made it."

   "I just..."

   "Shh. I know. Now. I'm very proud of you. You did more? Than I ever imagined you would. I'm jealous. Really. You might get a better seat than me, when you get here. Maybe, you'll let me sit with you, maybe."

   "Where---"

   "Valhalla. I did what was right. I lived my life by the code. I died with my sword in my hand. Of course I'm here. I forsook my life, for others."

   "I still miss you."

   "I know. Now listen. You? You're already here. You... don't have to keep doing this. Just, finish this last project off? Then, its like you graduated. Just enjoy the good job."

   "Really?"

   "Of course. Just remember. Get the traitors. Winning is pointless, if you leave traitors behind your lines."

   "How will I even---"

   "Honey. You can't miss them, not now. This is... the ending. Over the hill, just roll down the other side. Life? Really is shit. Just, pinch this turd off? Then go. Enjoy the rest. You've earned it."

   "I love you."

   "I know. You know I love you too. You're almost done. I just want you to be happy now."

   "But... my big case. Its... what made my life, worth some---"

   "Shh. I'll tell you a story. One you already know. Okay?"

   "Sure."

   "All right. The mountain. The kid next door. Wants you to find his missing animal, right? It leads you up the mountain."

   "Yeah."

   "The whole point? Is that you go looking for the animal. But, what's important... is that you go. Then, you save the person falling. That's the important part. Actually finding the animal? Is really, neither here nor there. Its important, that you set off up the mountain? It shows you want to do the right thing. But, if you find the animal, fine. If you don't? It wasn't the whole point."

   "What are you saying."

   "My advice?"

   "Please."

   "If you want to finish the eavesdropping case? Fine. Or? Don't. It doesn't really matter. It was everything else along the way? Where the real work got done. You can quit. Or? Just... keep going along. But, don't feel a need to risk, anything. You could, just sign in every night? Nothing to report."

   "What would you do."

   "Honestly? A lot of those so called criminals? Are better human beings, all things considered. Than some of the so called important people. Are there a few assholes, a few butchers there? Sure are. But hey. Look at how bad some of the politicians and rich investors are, huh? And tell me. Who kills more. Who hurts more. The DC police? Were worse on the average citizen, than any of your bikers, ever were. Finish the case. Or? Don't. Doesn't matter. You did what you were supposed to do."

   "If you're sure."

   He smiled.

   "You've made a lot of people? Safe and happy. Now? Its time to make yourself that way. Safe, and happy. Remember. You have a child now. What you thought? You could never have. Enjoy that."

   "Okay."

   "I have to go now."

   "Will I see you again?"

   "Honey. You see me, all the time. But, you mean like this? Sure. I love you. And, I always will. Now remember. Get the traitors, and just finish it out. Should be easy now. Remember. You won the game. Just don't snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. After this? Its all easy."

   "Okay. Thanks."

   "Hey. No trouble."

   "I love you."

   "I love you too."

   I blinked, and... I'm looking at the moon. Its higher up than when I started. Wow. Two worms? Its... but what the hell did I even expect. I looked over. Lightning is sitting up. She looks, what. Pensive.

   "What's the matter, honey."

   "Oh. I... saw. If I say good Moody? You know who I mean."

   Christ. The star center, who killed herself my sophomore year. We found her, and Lightning was the one who found her, found her. Swinging. In the summer? And not the same day, if you take my meaning.

   "I know. What did she tell you."

   "She's happy for me. She asked me for something."

   "What."

   "She asked me once. Bury me with my soccer ball. Maybe we can all play again, in heaven one day. She asked me? For her ball."

   "Honey? You don't want to bury Teddy, do you?"

   "No!"

   "Well? Where the hell even is her ball."

   "Didn't we leave it in the cage? In the basement."

   "Light. That, was a long time ago."

   "Well? Can't we check. If that's all she wants, and it lets her go to heaven. Or, play there. We should at least look."

   I sighed.

   "Okay. This is all over? We'll... go and look. I can't promise anything."

   She was fine with that.

   "As long as we tried."

   I nodded.

   "What's Panic doing."

   He was still laying back.

   "Sounded like a Spanish lesson."

   We shook him awake. We were all groggy, but fine. We went for a quick swim. Then? We marched back to the cabanas. No one there. We went to the house, but it was locked. Of course. Security now. We walked back down to the cabanas, and went to ours. By now, we were dried off enough walking around that the sand was off us.

   I looked down. Glad the house was locked. We were still wandering around without our clothes on. We went back, and got them. We came back, and retired. It wasn't really that late.