I was already curled up in bed, my back to the door, when Janus slipped inside. He didn’t bother knocking anymore; this room felt as much his as mine now. Sometimes I remembered the first night he did this; I’d startled so badly I nearly fell out of bed, only for him to muffle his laughter in the crook of my neck. Now, I listened to his footsteps, steady at first, then pausing just inside the doorway. The hinges let out a tired sigh, and the handle clicked softly as he tried to close the door without shattering the fragile quiet. I heard the slow, uneven shuffle of his feet, the gentle rustle of clothes falling to the floor, one after another. The blanket lifted, letting a chill brush over my skin, and then the mattress dipped behind me as he settled in, tucking himself close. His warmth seeped into the space between us, chasing away the cold, but not quite reaching the ache inside me.
Most nights, by now, we’d already be tangled up together, but tonight I just lay there, pretending to be asleep. After that argument with Rika, I didn’t have the heart for anything. I hadn’t wanted to wait for Janus; I just wanted to drift away and leave the day behind, but sleep wouldn’t come. The insomnia I thought I’d finally shaken off had crept back in, leaving me wide awake and restless. My mind kept circling the same old worries, chasing sleep that always slipped just out of reach. At least in this world, I didn’t have to worry about waking up early anymore. I could let the morning come and go as it pleased, and for a moment, it almost felt like time itself had loosened its grip on me.
Naively believing I had just triumphed over sleepless nights, I now faced an agony even sharper. Janus, right beside me. He must’ve expected we’d lose ourselves in each other after all, every night since we began, that’s what we did. And despite everything, if not for Rika’s words, I would’ve wanted it too. My whole body waited for him to reach for me, wake me up, try something, anything, but instead, he melted into silence, matching my stillness. The silence wasn’t empty; it throbbed with unspoken longing, pressing on my heart until it ached.
There was a time, not so long ago, when I never imagined intimacy could taste like this: raw and necessary, sweet and aching all at once. I spent so much of my life convinced… No! Certain I could get by alone. But being reborn in this body changed me in ways I never expected. Vulnerability, once something I ran from, crept in quietly. In my past life, I’d hidden my needs behind indifference, telling myself again and again that it wasn’t necessary, that it couldn’t be this great, but now I felt so exposed to every ache, every yearning for closeness. There was a hunger beneath my skin, a hunger that made every gentle touch, every whisper in the dark, feel vivid. Sometimes it scared me, how quickly the walls I’d spent years building had crumbled around me once I let him in.
I never thought he would have such a big influence on me, and right now I was torn up.
Part of me clung stubbornly to Rika’s words, refusing to let her be proven right, but another part of me just wanted to give in. Why did it feel so unbearable now? For thirty-seven years, I survived without sex, and yet suddenly, I am lost without it; even a single day feels too much. Was I always this desperate? I spent so much of my life believing I was one thing, straight, and even after I realized I was bisexual, I still thought of myself as a man, needing nobody. But now, not even a year as a woman, I crave for his... for him more than anything, an ache, a gnawing wound that only he can soothe.
Even the black toy hidden in my drawer couldn’t ease the ache he left in me anymore. It felt cheap now, the cold, polished wood almost cruel against the burning need that hollowed me out when he was so close, yet just out of reach.
I felt pathetic for being so infatuated, as if I had been defeated. While the other part just wanted to happily throw my dignity into the wind, never to be seen again.
Urgh! It's so frustrating!
Sigh!
“Ruby, you are awake?”
A sudden jolt ran through my body upon hearing his voice. Did he hear me?
“Y-yes, I’m awake.”
I said, trying my best to sound sleepy.
“Why are you already trying to sleep? Was it too much today?”
The genuine concern in his voice chipped away at the cold knot in my chest. I swallowed down the mess of feelings and rolled over to face him. The darkness blurred his features, but somehow, just knowing he was there made the world feel a little less heavy. His kind words alone cleared my head.
“Yes, but not physically. My head is just… Sigh, I had a fight with Rika.”
I didn’t want to tattle on her, but maybe Janus, who’d known her since childhood, understood something I didn’t. Maybe he even knew why she’d been so prickly lately. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen her smile—maybe at my wedding, and even then, she’d slipped away before the night was truly over.
“Oh… What was the fight about?”
“At first she was complaining that the two of us don’t do as much as we did before I got engaged, but then it started to shift towards me and you… and that we… You know, I spent so much time in bed…”
Even in the dark, I could practically feel the smug grin spreading across his face; it only made my cheeks burn hotter.
“I then pointed out that she didnt have much to say about the matter since she herself is single, but with that, I had pushed it too far, she got really mad and stormed out.”
“You really shouldn’t have said that.”
“I know, it’s just… she’s always telling me what to do, how to do it, always pointing out my mistakes like an annoying older sister. She never stops pushing my boundaries. And while it all turned out for the better because I listened and crawled out of my shell, I’m still upset about it.”
Sometimes I wondered how I ever ended up friends with someone so infuriating. But every time that thought crossed my mind, guilt followed close behind. I knew she cared, even if her way of showing it made me want to scream, sometimes.
“Maybe it’s good that this happens now.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, in a bit less than a month, all of us, including her, will be off to the capital, so there is still a month left to mend your friendship before the other nobles can start blabbering about it.”
That hadn’t even crossed my mind. If the nobles were even half as nosy as Janus claimed, they’d be all over any hint of drama between us, ripping at it like a cackling pack of hyenas would a corpse.
“I guess… Hey, do you know why she is angry? After all, you grew up together, so there must be something.”
“While it is true that we grew up together, we aren't as close anymore.”
“Why is that?”
“Sigh, most likely the same reason as for why she is angry.”
“Which is?”
“... Sigh, Rika used to have a crush on me.”
“Eh?”
“EHHHHHHHH?! What!”
“Shhhh, do you want to wake up the whole fort?”
**Woof, Woof**
In the distance, a dog had begun barking.
“Explain!”
“Okay, okay, just calm down. As I said, she used to have a crush on me when she and I were fourteen, but not anymore.”
“Oh, that’s not the part I’m mad about.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yes, I didn’t even know you and her back then. Why would I be mad? What I’m really mad about is why hasn’t she told me about it?”
Janus’s next sentence started in his usual even baritone voice but changed shortly after into a ridiculous high-pitched soprano.
“Wouldn’t that have been a bit awkward? ‘Hey Ruby, nice day, isn’t it? And by the way, I used to want to fuck your husband. What? You didn’t know, okay bye’.”
“Hehehe. Don’t ever do that again.”
My laughter set the twins squirming in my belly, a strange, fluttering reminder that I was never truly alone anymore. Sometimes, late at night, one or the other would kick just as I was drifting off, and Janus would reach over, resting his hand on my stomach sleepily scolding them.
“But seriously, why didnt she tell me I don’t get it. Did she think I would be mad or… does she still…”
“NO! She doesn’t, and neither do I, thanks for asking, by the way.”
“You said she had a crush that doesn’t have to involve you.”
I believe she just didn’t want to make you worry or do something stupid like stepping aside so she could try her luck again.
At first, I wanted to dismiss his idea, but if I think about my past self, I would have indeed done something that stupid, like, “Bye-bye, I will be leaving; you can be with her instead."
“But then why was she so angry?”
“One possibility is that she is just on edge about going back to the capital. The last time she was there, it didnt really end well, but if you want to hear more about that, it’s better if you ask her, just make sure she doesn’t notice that I told you.”
A shadow flickered across Janus’s face, a hesitation he quickly smothered. For a second, I thought he might say more, but he only pressed his lips into a thin line. What could have happened to Rika in that city that still left her so tense, even now?
I silently nodded. Rika was really scary when she got mad.
“The second Possibility is well…This doesn’t come from me, but it can be quite awful to see someone, even someone close to you, achieve their dream. I believe she is just jealous, but don’t worry, I know her at least enough to know that by tomorrow she will be so embarrassed by what happened that she won’t show her face for a few days before coming back around.”
I hoped he was right. Still, I couldn’t help but wonder whose experience he was really talking about.
With most of my worries finally quiet, I nestled closer to Janus, my thigh sliding over his as my knee found something warm and unmistakably hard at his waist. I hesitated, feeling my breath catch, but his hand slipped beneath the blanket to rest on my hip, pulling me flush against him. The heat of his skin, the slow, deliberate way he pressed his lips to my neck, sent a shiver down my spine. His fingers traced slow, teasing circles along my waist, making my body arch into his touch. I bit back a gasp as his other hand slid lower, tugging my nightdress up over my hips. The ache I’d tried to ignore all evening surged forward, desperate, hungry. So much for resisting temptation. I needed him, needed the way he touched me like I was the only thing in the world that mattered.
The rest of the night blurred into a haze of sensation: his mouth on my skin, the rough scrape of his stubble against my throat, his low voice murmuring things that made my cheeks burn. I lost myself in the rhythm of our bodies, the sounds of pleasure filling the room, until there was nothing left but the two of us tangled together, breathless and sated. I fell asleep in his arms, the quiet promise of another night spent together lingering in the air.