DC - Chapter 21

   Panic returned less than an hour later. With his new and more permanent consultant's badge, getting in and out of the gigantic secured office building was a lot easier and quicker. He now had a laminated plasticized badge. His picture was on it. If he forgot his ID to go with his visitor's pass paper, it was no longer a big deal.

   He no longer had to wait in line with the regular visitors. He could simply file in with the lines of regular agents and employees, scanning the bar-code portion of his badge. Everyone informally called this the "express lane". He didn't have to be met by a waiting agent and ushered in. He no longer had to be escorted around like a little kid visiting dad's workplace. He could decide to leave and walk around and come back in himself.

   Panic forgot this at first, and by force of habit made the longer trip around to the big main fortified entrance, and got in line to be checked out. He heard his name yelled out? Weird… that was his "friend" security guy he had bits of small talk with several times before. The guy waved him out of line and bid him to come over.

   "Hey, Panic. Here, I got you a little something…"

   "Aw shucks… and I didn't get you anything…"

   "Happy birthday."

   It was a little plastic sealed bag of stiff see through plastic. It was a standard kit to go with his laminated photo bar-coded consultant's badge. A clip-on spring loaded clip that he could slide his laminated ID badge into, and wear it clipped to his clothing. So no one would keep stopping him and quizzing him where he was "supposed to be" and who he was "supposed to be with" while in the building's maze of floors, corridors, stairs, and elevators.

   Also contained in the little survival kit was a neck cord thing that attached to the clip holder; he could wear his ID around his neck like all the agents and regular employees.

   His security friend was the older guy in the group, and he waved over a younger security guy to take over his spot he was working so he could talk for a brief moment with Panic.

   "Okay, we have a big box of these things. We were out of them when I got your laminate in and gave it to you this morning."

   Panic smiled, he was still smiling like a little kid. He had opened the pack and experimented sliding his ID badge into the clip. Trying it out, in a few locations over his clothing.

   The guard friend smiled back and helped him, showing him how the neck cord thing attached onto it for a neck hang.

   "I know I look like a complete little kid, playing with this thing. It's just… neat. You know?"

   The guard laughed…

   "Not at all… you'd be surprised. New agents? Bug us like little kids to get their permanent ID. Nobody likes being the new kid on the floor. Everyone loves their ID. Everyone."

   "Okay… I don't feel like an idiot then. This is… cool."

   "Naturally… now, I was busy this morning. I gotta give you a little talk, okay?"

   "Shoot."

   "Number one thing… do not lose this motherfucker. This isn't a library card. If you do lose it? It's a big deal. You have to come to security and report it. There is no 'lost' IDs here, everything is assumed to be stolen. You will have to report everyone you were around when you lost it. Some junior agent will go and have a little talk with the people you were around when you lost it. You see what I'm getting at?"

   "Don't lose it. Gotcha."

   "Right… if you start losing your ID? You'll go back to having paper ID. Waiting in line. You probably won't get another permanent ID. I know this probably sounds silly, but, you gotta understand how important this is. We can't have people coming in and out of this building that don't belong. Okay?"

   Panic had it around his neck, and was running his fingers over it. Still smiling.

   "I promise, I'll sleep with it."

   "Okay. Now, moving along. You have to sign this paper… here… if you don't agree and sign it, I have to take back the ID… I suggest you actually read it."

   Panic took the man's pen and scribbled his signature after reading it. He acknowledged he received his semi-permanent ID. He agreed to report it if lost or stolen immediately. Day or night. The fine print was that he was agreeing that he knew he could go to jail and get a zillion dollar fine if he was involved with any shenanigans putting this ID into another person's unauthorized hands, and ten times the amount of jail time and a ten zillion dollar fine, if any actual harm came from such.

   "Why do I feel like I just joined the service all over again?"

   "You were in the Army, huh?"

   "Air Force."

   "Well, you're used to this then. This is just like you're old military photo ID. It's a fucking federal thing, just like the service."

   "Thanks, guy…"

   "No problem. Now that the official part is out of the way? On to the fun part of this… what this ID gets you…"

   "What's that?"

   "See the bar-code? You can just scan in and out. You don't have to use the main entrance here, you can take the elevator in the parking garage. You can scan in and out without the face to face with the security guards at the parking areas. Use the agent and employee lines there, too."

   "Where can I go when I'm inside? I'm used to waiting at the security doors on every floor to get in and out when I use the bathroom like a little kid…"

   "You can automatically go anywhere you see the green stripe. All bathrooms. Everywhere. Cafeteria too. If you are already IN another colored area? Say… a special conference room for a meeting or something? You can scan OUT and go to the bathroom and scan back IN by yourself."

   "Okay… how does the door know I'm allowed?"

   "Easy. I'm sure you noticed it before, just never thought about it… the agent you're with inside? You ever see him punch numbers in when he scans someone else in? He's authorizing that visitor… the door now knows you belong. That allows you to leave and come back. For example, a bathroom trip, a trip to the cafeteria, whatever."

   "That's handy…"

   "Right. You also get access to stuff for all the agents and all the employees. You can use the pool. You can use the gym. You can go jogging at the track. You know there's more than one building, it's a whole campus. Like a college. You're buddies might take you to the indoor range, for instance."

   "There's an indoor handgun range?"

   "Yes. Your paperwork shows you were given a federal carry permit… I have to go over that with you."

   "Okay…"

   "I'm pretty sure, you were already told you can't bring your gun into the building. Because you're not an agent, right?"

   "Yes. They were really clear on that one…"

   "Right… you can bring your gun, if you're being taken to the indoor range… but… and this is important… it has to be in a locked carry case. Key lock only. It has to be unloaded even locked up in the case. Do you understand that? That's another building, don't bring your gun case to this building. Leave it locked in your trunk. If you use a pickup truck? Lock it in the cab."

   He was given another form to sign, that acknowledged he understood what to do and more importantly what not to do, about his federal carry permit.

   "Okay. Now? Onto the actual fun part of all this…"

   And, the man smiled.

   "What's that?"

   "Eh. I'm sure you noticed when you're out and about with your agents? There's discounts and freebies at a lot of businesses around the area. Cheap or free coffee, discounts on food and drink, instant seating at nearby restaurants? This works just like a regular badge for that. Cheaper motel rates, cheaper car rentals for instance… those businesses don't have to charge tax on the sales. This should sound familiar to you, because you were in the Air Force you said… remember the PX had cheaper prices? A lot of businesses give discounts. Just wear your ID in, and you'll be surprised how much better you get treated when you go out."

   "Really? Like what? This is all new to me…"

   "Ah. You go to a club? Just flash your ID instead of your drivers license to the bouncer… you'll get waved in. You'll probably get into VIP rooms at big clubs. Anyplace the agents go a lot? They always get a room they all go to, they have their own tables at restaurants… this is your ticket to all of that. Our employees get all the little stuff like that the agents get. As a consultant? That's you now, too."

   "I really don't go out drinking a lot? I'm more of a coffee and snacks kind of guy…"

   "Okay. Movies? You get to go up into the balcony seating. You know, the nice seats? There's lots of little… perks. This is your ticket to the world of the perks. Which brings up the unofficial perk…"

   "Which is?"

   The man smiled…

   "You married?"

   "No…"

   "Girls. You ever notice cops have a kind of… little groupie thing going? Some girls like dating cops. Makes them feel special."

   "I guess so…"

   "Right. Take a girl to the movies, or out to eat, or to a big club… I'm pretty sure, she'll be all impressed you get the VIP treatment. The restaurant is full? You still get a seat… without a reservation. Like I said. Lots of little perks."

   "How… do I know where the perks are?"

   "Look at the sticker codes on the windows and doors you probably never noticed around town before. You'll see little gold badge stickers… you see a gold badge sticker on a door or window walking in? Just clip your ID on without saying anything… if they have any little perks, they'll know to give it to you."

   "Okay… thanks. I feel like a little kid again…"

   "Yeah… it is kinda cool. Off the record, there's a joke that's kinda true… the joke is, half the agents and employees only work here, so they get a better dating life."

   Panic and his guard friend laughed together at that. Panic smiled again and ran his fingers over his cool new ID…

   "Wow. Free coffee and donuts. I finally arrived…"

   "Oh. One word of warning?"

   "What's that."

   "I don't know where you like to go on your free time. None of my business, but… I would watch wearing that in any… shitty bars. Particularly… anywhere you see a lot of motorcycles? Are you catching my drift here?"

   "Oh. Don't wear an FBI ID into an outlaw biker bar. That would get me hurt, yeah, I'd figure that one out on my own…"

   "Eh, wouldn't be the first time some new junior agent took his new girlfriend out on his Harley… and accidentally went into the wrong establishment. Watch any cheap bars, too."

   "Anything else?"

   "Just one more thing. Do not try to use this ID, to… pretend you're an agent. Do not, I don't know… try to intimidate anyone wearing it. Do not try to stop and ask anyone any questions, if they say they don't wanna talk to you. That's the last piece of paper you have to sign for, that you understand that constitutes a very serious criminal act. Abuse under the color of authority, impersonating a federal agent, blah blah blah… do you understand that?"

   "Yes."

   "Okay, read and sign this, and go enjoy free coffee and donuts, and get a cop groupie and try not to get a drippy dick from her… probably been a couple badges in her twat before yours."

   Panic laughed and signed his last release form.

   "Okay, on the perk side? Let's say you're driving, and, there's a wreck or a roadblock. Hang this on the mirror, I bet you the local cops will wave you through the roadblock. Now, I have no idea what case you're consulting on, and I don't care, it's none of my business… let's say you're walking along, and something interests you. There's no law against asking a uniformed cop what's going on… you'll probably be talked to a little more… politely than you're used to."

   "Okay. I see a body and cops standing around. Whatever. I'm not breaking the law asking questions."

   "Right… you can't ask for any official information, but… if you think it might be something important? You have to tell them you're a private citizen, but, you CAN tell them the name of your agent you work with… they would probably send him information."

   "Okay. Gotcha. I know I'm a citizen, not a cop."

   "Okay. Oh yeah, one more thing… this is gonna happen, I guarantee it. You're walking around town, you'll see crime scenes, this city's a fucking cesspool after dark… reporters will simply MOB you wearing your ID. Remember the following phrase…"

   "Yes…?"

   The guard smiled and leaned in…

   "No comment. I can't emphasize that enough… No. Comment."

   "I don't have any dealings with reporters and crime scenes, really… that won't be any kind of issue…"

   "Yeah. That's what I'm getting at. You wear that thing, and you just walk past a crime scene? People will start coming up and asking you questions. They're reporters. They'll remember your NAME off of that badge, and will try to stick the name on some quote. Any quote has your name on it, besides NO COMMENT? I can guarantee you get a lecture about it."

   "That… sounds crazy to me. I'm from a small town…"

   "Yeah, me too. I actually miss the small town life. This city is a fucking cesspool after dark. I said it twice, because it bears repeating. I swear, you can walk through a sewage plant, and come across less human shit. In case no one ever mentioned it yet? Never, and I mean never, walk around the monuments after dark. Unless you like getting mugged. I ain't kidding about that, neither. Uniformed cops, on duty? Won't go into monument park after dark without backup, and even then won't touch the place without a call going out. You have been warned. It's… just a city thing. "

   "It's a city thing. I hear that a lot as I move around this area."

   "Yeah… It's nice to go get coffee and food at 3:00 am if you're up anyways… pity we can't accomplish that feat, without all the city bullshit that goes along with it."

   "Thanks!"

   "All right guy… go out and enjoy your coffee and donuts…"

   Panic went out, and true to his word… went to a hot dog stand. Ordered a hot dog with chili and cheese. He was thinking and not really paying attention, and he thought he got too much back from his five dollar bill. When he tried to give it back, the vendor smiled and pointed at his ID he was still wearing around his neck.

   Free cheese topping. The guy apologized for having to charge now for the chili, but, meat was getting more expensive every day. Things like cheese and onions and relish though, were free toppings at his stand.

   Panic smiled, and handed the guy the dollar back again, for the free cheese.

   "Take it for a tip then, buddy…"

   And he ambled off, deep in thought. He had to do something, he just didn't know yet what it was. He had to come up with something, though.

   He looked down and fingered his shiny new ID hanging around his neck. Free coffee… free ass whooping if he stopped at the wrong bar. Wonderful. Life was full of little surprises. Some surprises were quite pleasant, like Merry and flying Merry airlines. The turbulence in flight, for example, was actually really exciting. Definitely a lot more fun than getting jumped and beat up in a cheap bar, for playing on the wrong team and going to the wrong team's clubhouse.

   Panic bought a coffee at another stand on the short walk back to the Hoover building. A coffee with his paper. The newspaper was something like a quarter less than the advertised price, and he was sure he had been given a cheaper coffee as well. He gave the guy a couple quarters as a tip to cover what he felt funny taking for free.

   He walked back into the building, sipping his coffee, carrying his newspaper. He didn't have a lot to do, but he wanted to hit lunch with his crew. He almost forgot to go around the line forming, but he remembered and went into the line of employees running their bar-codes through in the express lane.

   He smiled and gave a thumbs up to his security guard friend. Held his coffee and paper up, and the guy chuckled back and returned his thumbs up.

   How silly this all was, in reality. There was some practicality to it all though. He spent some time here, even if there wasn't much for him to do at the moment, other than bounce ideas off of Speedy.

   Now? He could bring his cell phone in with him. He didn't have to have it numbered and dropped in the visitor's storage area. He could have a laptop with him, to take notes. He could have a backpack or a suitcase, and it wouldn't need searched every time he came in and out. He could have his little MP-3 player with earphones he liked. He might as well make use of the free gym and pool membership as well. Working out relaxed him.

   No more bothering someone to take him down to get out when he left for lunch by himself or out for an unscheduled snack. He could go have lunch with Merry when he felt like it, come back when he wanted. Bring food in without standing in line and having someone open it up and play with it, eat it upstairs with his crew while it was still warm. Little creature comforts that didn't really amount to anything much, really.

   With his new ID around his neck, he naturally was back in record time from his hot-dog run. He was able to scan himself into the elevator and through the hallway control point to his area they were usually in.

   "Hey. Panic's back… look everybody… someone got their team jersey…"

   Junior G smiled at him, pointing at his ID.

   "Actually, I'm going to kinda miss the cavity search every time I come in, I was thinking about asking the one guard for his number."

   Everyone chuckled at his dry wit. Speedy smiled, it was nice to see Panic was a little happier, and looked better. He was joking and smiling more. Still, it was slightly out of character for him as well. What was it? He seemed to be… schmoozing. Smiling too much from what Speedy was used to. Joking a little more than usual. Then Panic winked at Speedy on the sly and grinned at him. Speedy smiled back.

   Speedy's weird feeling that he was missing something came back to him, but like any other such feeling… after the first time, it got less and less each time until it went away altogether. He decided that if Panic was in a slightly better mood, that wasn't a bad thing.

   Speedy internally chalked it up to flying Merry airlines, and getting some sleep. Now getting to go in and out when he wanted, and the ability to text or call Merry added to it. There were no doubt more little things that would keep him in a better mood as well. And so, the little tickle of a feeling passed, into familiarity.

   "All right guys. We're starting to get 'officialized'. The informal pre-investigation, is over. As of this morning? George passed his first test, and that put us into the beginnings of a possible case forming."

   Speedy chuckled and made a joke sour face…

   "So fucking what?"

   "Well, for one thing… remember I told you to save receipts for the motel you're staying at?"

   "Yeah… I got 'em."

   "I wrangled a small budget. The motel room? You get reimbursed. Per diem. Keep paying out of pocket like normal, but, save them and get them to me. You'll get a monthly check back for the motel. Also? Speedy, Panic, George… I got a tiny per diem for food, too. It ain't much, but, why not get a check every month to help cover food. Save your receipts, and circle any alcoholic drinks, they don't count. The FBI doesn't kick up for bar tabs, only edible food. And no, before you ask, no escort's receipts either. This is the FBI, not congress. FBI tax dollars just buy food and lodging. Only congress critters get to spend the taxpayer's hard earned dollars on high end hookers…"

   Everyone laughed. There was a recent scandal in the papers and on the TV about that going on. Honestly, no one really thought it was going to put a stop to it either; the lawmakers would in all likelihood, simply try to be more sly about it.

   "We also get a weekly brunch. I was thinking every Friday? Anyone object to Fridays?"

   No one objected.

   "Okay… its Friday! Now, let me see here… oh yeah, we were going to go out and get a steak? Check out whatever trollop Panic here picked up… Panic? You wanna make us reservations or anything at you and George's steak joint?"

   "Gimme your phone, Speedy… place gets busy from what we saw there, I'll make sure we get a table…"

   "Use your own phone?"

   "Duh… I just got my ID. I quit bringing in my cell phone, its useless to me sitting down in a basket. All it was good for was calling up to get someone to come down and get me in."

   Speedy smiled and handed him his phone, after typing in his secret security number. Panic took out his place-mat with Merry's cell number on it, and called her. After talking for a few seconds, he asked if it was still all right to bring "the boys" for lunch, he just wanted to make sure they had a table. She asked him how many, and he counted and told her. Then he nodded and hung up, handed the phone back.

   "Table reserved. She said they were busy."

   Everybody went down and out. They had small talk on the walk to the steak restaurant. When they got there, they encountered a line and people sitting waiting for their tables.

   "Panic, aren't you supposed to handle this?"

   "Oh yeah."

   Panic walked up to the girl seating people, and said something to her. She smiled, leaned in to him and talked back quietly. Then she pointed to the back far corner.

   "Come on guys. Follow me…"

   Everyone shuffled behind him, and they got the mild stink eye from people waiting. There was a little plastic marker that said "reserved" on the bigger corner booth back in that far corner. There were already place-mats and silverware and water glasses all in place. It was a bigger wraparound booth in a semicircle taking up the entire corner. One of the two end seats, had a heart drawn on the place-mat. With the words "Merry Christmas" written underneath it.

   Panic smiled and pointed at it…

   "That's obviously my seat…"

   The guys all teased him for the heart on his place-mat, and he had to explain the Merry Christmas joke. Actually he didn't have to explain it, but he didn't mind. By the time he was done relating the story of the "background check" and his car being "held hostage", Merry was walking up smiling.

   She got drink orders from everyone else except George and Panic. She pointed at George and made sure he still wanted his iced tea, and how he liked it. She was back nearly instantaneously for as busy as the place was at that moment in time.

   Panic automatically got his raspberry iced tea and lemon slice from his last trip in, with no ordering. Merry smiled and tousled Panic's hair and kissed him on top of his head.

   She got her pen and pad out, and pointed at Panic.

   "Bloody meat?"

   Panic nodded yes.

   George was next.

   "Bloody meat?"

   George said yes.

   "Okay… raise yer hand, if you want a bloody rare steak…?"

   All the hands went up.

   "That was a lot easier… all right… this won't take long, guys. One check, separate checks?"

   Speedy's friend piped up.

   "One check. Mine."

   "Okay. Anyone else, want anything else?"

   No one did.

   She played with Panic's hair again…

   "You… do you want a side dish of lasagna? We have a little left… if it won't ruin your appetite…"

   "Oh! Yes!"

   She smiled.

   "Okay… see you in a little bit…"

   Speedy's friend raised his hand right before she turned to leave…

   "A side dish of lasagna sounds good. Can I have one too?"

   She eyed him.

   "No. Sorry."

   "Well… why not?"

   "For one, there's not a lot left. For another? It's not on the menu. If it's not on the menu, you can't have it."

   The senior agent feigned being mad to be funny in the situation…

   "Well, what the hell?"

   Merry did her now familiar pose George and Panic knew she used sometimes. One hand posed on her cocked hip. Pointed her pen at the guy…

   "You're a feeb, right?"

   She could obviously see his ID clipped to his shirt.

   "Yeah…"

   Merry deadpanned him…

   "You'll get your discount. But, you can't have what's not on the menu."

   "Well, why does he get lasagna then?"

   "Because I like him. Because he's flying Merry Airlines, and lasagna is on the in-flight menu. That's why…"

   And as she had said "Merry Airlines", she tapped her pen to her chest.

   "Wow. You're about as much fun as my ex wife…"

   Merry smiled mischievously.

   "Actually? I'm pretty sure I'm a lot more fun than your ex wife. Like I said, you can't have what's not on the menu. And for the record?"

   "Yeah…?"

   "I'm not on the menu either."

   Then she smiled, and tapped Panic on the head lightly with her pen, and she whirled and trotted off.

   Everyone smiled at the sass the senior agent had just got. Speedy was chuckling, looking down politely at his place-mat…

   "Hey buddy. My keen investigative skills? Say you just found one of the girls in town that ain't a cop groupie…"

   Everyone started teasing him and laughing.

   Panic wanted to know what a "feeb" was…

   Speedy pointed at his buddy to answer…

   "A 'feeb' is slang for FBI agent. It's… like calling a cop a pig or a porker."

   "Oh. I get it… is it a bad word, like calling a cop a pig? Or, just a joke?"

   Senior agent wryly observed…

   "It can be used either way."

   Junior G took this moment to jibe his senior agent he was working with…

   "I'm gonna go out on a limb. Someone, does not like FBI agents. Guess who?"

   Just then, while gabbing, Merry had trotted up, and dropped off a small side dish of steaming hot lasagna in front of Panic…

   "Me. That's who. Don't take it personal. Like I said, I'm not on the menu. And, your steaks are on the grill, boys. Won't be long…"

   Senior piped up almost apologetically.

   "Ma'am? Just because you had a bad experience with… what? Maybe you dated an agent back in the day, maybe it didn't go well? I don't really know… but, come on now…"

   Panic cut in…

   "Merry? It's fine. You don't have to explain yourself."

   Without her pad and pen out, she could now pose with both hands on both of her hips.

   "I know I don't. I don't mind… I'm not shy. Look, I've been here in the city for enough years to know how stuff works. I know a lot of the girls just love the hero cops. I don't."

   "Well… why?"

   "Sure, I dated one. Treated me real nice. At first. For a little while. He was married. Running around on his wife and kids. Go figure, he's running around on me too."

   "Ma'am… that's just one guy… you can't…"

   "I'm sorry, feeb. I wasn't done yet… about a year and a half later? I let another one talk me into going out with him. Same thing. Real nice guy… also married. Also with kids. Also going out behind my back right and left…"

   "Anything else?"

   Merry leaned forwards to make her final point.

   "I swore I'd never go out with another agent. Eventually? A real charmer coming around. Guy bought me flowers and candy, the whole nine yards. He actually took a while to sweet talk me into it. Wanna guess how that turned out quick?"

   "Um, he was married, he had kids, he was running around on you, right?"

   "Ha. The first two must have been amateurs, this feeb was in the pros. This one had new tricks. He? Was fucking my friends, too. He didn't stop there. After I shit-canned him for that little performance? His goddamned wife starts coming in here, all drunk all the time, with two of her, I don't know… some kinda cop's wives crew. Calling me a slut. Egging her on. I didn't even know he was married. She had the nerve to slap me and put her hands on me. I maced her, and we ended up rolling around, and two of the other girls here got in on it too. Cause the other two drunk wives were kicking me. Next thing you know? We got an honest to goodness drunken brawl going with the cop's wives. Because of her husband's running around, fucking anything that moves."

   "Ma'am… I'm honestly sorry you went through all this…"

   "I'm not sorry, I learned a very valuable lesson. We had to call the local cops? Because the drunken wives are coming in here starting fistfights. More than once. Local cops wouldn't do jack shit. Because everyone is all impressed with the hero agents. Because everyone is allowed to do anything they please, because their husbands work in the Hoover building."

   "Ma'am… I…"

   Merry smiled…

   "I know. You're sorry. Now… as you can imagine? I'm running around talking shit on the FBI for the next couple months, I mean go figure, right? One of my girlfriends was dating a biker. One of his friends liked me. I thought, what the hell, I never really dated bad boys like a lot of girls do, figured I'd give it a whirl. Wanna guess how that turned out?"

   Senior agent snorted derisively…

   "Dating a felon? Oh, I'm sure that went just swell for you…"

   "Yeah, you would think. But… he was polite. He was sweet to me. He wasn't married. He didn't have kids. He wasn't running around on me, either. He called me ma'am, he insisted on opening doors for me and pulling my chair out for me, and taking my coat off when we went anywhere. Other than the whole 'outlaw biker' deal? He was actually, a really nice guy. He never once put his hands on me. At least, not in any way that I didn't like."

   "Oh, good lord…"

   "I wasn't done yet… then? One of my friends, started trying to go out with him. Not only did he not run around on me, like the feebs all did? He came and told me what she was up to, so I knew to keep an eye on her. He showed me her phone number, in her own handwriting, so… I shit-canned that friend quick. She didn't even try to deny it."

   "Are you done yet?"

   "Yeah. I'm done. The moral of the whole story? As far as I'm concerned? That whole Hoover building is full of a bunch of lying, married, sneaking, cheats."

   "Well ma'am… why didn't you just marry the outlaw biker then?"

   "Huh. That one ended, simply because he got into some kind of trouble, that he wouldn't explain to me. He apologized a million times for having to leave town. I didn't say he didn't have his faults, but… I never had any problems with him personally. What do you guys go on all day and night about… honesty? Integrity? Honor? Pffft!"

   Senior agent hid his face in his palms. Speedy was already chuckling through this, and almost spit his coffee out.

   "Now. You did say… ex wife, yes?"

   "Yeah! I'm not married!"

   "Great. Let me ask you this, then… was there another woman involved? Hm?"

   "I decline to answer on the grounds that---"

   "Yeah. I rest my case. I bet your steaks are done, I'll be right back, boys…"

   She whirled and left.

   George was chuckling louder now.

   "Like I said. Sassy little thing. That, was funny."

   Junior G was smiling and enjoying this entertainment as well…

   "Oh yeah… she's dated agents before…"

   Speedy dryly chimed in…

   "You were saying something earlier today, what was that? The 'groupies' all around town? Can't wait to date the agents?"

   George had an opinion as well…

   "This… reminds me of rock stars…"

   "How's that?"

   "Well… about half the girls out there? Wanna date a musician. The joke is, the other half? Already dated one, and can't stand them. No offense intended, to the, ahem… feebs at the table… ha!"

   Senior agent gave a wan little smile…

   "Boy, Panic… you sure can pick 'em…"

   "Hey… I didn't know any of this shit before just now. Besides? If I start asking around town, I wonder how many more of these stories I'd hear…"

   Junior G made a little coughing sound…

   "To tell the truth, the statistics on all cop marriages? Are not the best in the nation…"

   George finished…

   "Yeah, everyone says its from the 'stress of the job' puts a 'strain on the marriage'… sounds to me? Like something else is going on… Speedy? What's your take on all this, from the state police point of view…"

   "The state police point of view on what?"

   "Marriage. You're not married, you said… ever been?"

   "Uh… no."

   "Can… I ask why not? Like everyone says, there are cop groupies out there. Couldn't have been too hard to find a wife, if you'd have wanted one…"

   "Aw. I was in the service. Combat, that's all I'm saying on that issue. I came home. I wasn't interested in getting married right away. I went to the state police academy. Now… starting out? We're on patrol, highway crew. Very long hours. Lots of weekends too."

   "Well, how did that go?"

   "Not a lot of free time. I didn't think it was… fair, I guess… to get married and have kids, and I couldn't spend a lot of time with them. Plus… there's the whole… state police… thing."

   "What… state police thing?"

   "Patrol. Highway duty? We get called to all the big wrecks. All the chalk outlines. It's… a lot of the guys think they can handle all the blood and guts they see every week? A lot of the guys wind up drinking off duty. It's… a thing."

   "Yeah, sorry. I didn't really think about that end of things…"

   "It's okay, no one does think about it… until you're living that life. I was… I guess I was waiting, until I got off of patrol… figured I'd look into married life then."

   "Okay… what happened to that?"

   "Well, you get off patrol? I was on arrest crews. State police tend to serve the high risk warrants. More… you know. Because of the service? Combat? I got asked to put together a SWAT unit. More of the same."

   "Oh. You were… drinking?"

   Speedy laughed dry…

   "Actually? No, not really. I guess everyone deals with stuff different. Me? I like… quiet and alone time. That's how I deal with stuff. Ask Panic here… I like to put headphones on and listen to my music. A lot of the other guys? Yeah… drinking. All off duty, no problems per se, but…"

   "But what?"

   "There's a whole thing with state police marriages and the statistics. The wives report a bunch of drinking. Acting out. The force tries counseling, but… there you go. I just… well, you look around you, and you see everything going to shit at work all day… you go home and you look at all your buddies personal lives… mostly going to shit slowly… like I said, I like my alone time to deal with stuff, a lot of guys like to drink it out… drinking? If you're dealing with an issue? It's… a short term solution, it doesn't take care of the long term problem."

   George asked further.

   "Okay, Speedy. Surely, you've seen state police marriages, with wife and kids… that work. How do those guys do it? How do they pull it off?"

   "Oh. Honestly? If I had to guess right now? Hm. Okay… the guys that… just go to work, and go straight home off duty? The ones that never go anywhere else but work and home with the family? I knew a few of them… they seem to do okay. Better than most, I guess."

   "So, you see where old George is getting to, right?"

   Senior agent came in on that one…

   "Aw, geez. Are you a fucking boy scout too? Panic, I'm not making fun here, but, we all know about your… Speedy calls them 'morality fits'. It's cool. Whatever. Now George is a boy scout too? What the hell."

   George defended it.

   "Hey, maybe its a country boy thing, I don't know. I grew up in the sticks. Mom and Dad were married… once. My dad always told me, it wasn't right to go out every weekend 'with the boys', you were supposed to come home and spend your free time with the wife and kids. Or, you weren't supposed to have that, it obviously wasn't important enough to you."

   "You serious about this?"

   "Yeah. I don't know what your dad taught you, that's what my dad and my grandpa taught me."

   "Was your dad a preacher?"

   "No, far from it. But… my dad only drank with friends and family. Holidays. BBQs. Shit like that. If my parents weren't working, they were spending time at home. With each other. With me. I went every summer to grandpa's farm, and he had the same setup going on. I don't see it as being a boy scout… I see it as… normal."

   "Junior G… help me out here, would you? A man going out with the boys now and again. That's a normal, healthy guy thing. Right?"

   "Well… I'm not married, either. Never been. I guess I don't have a dog in this fight."

   "George, you're a chemist. You been to college. You said you were in a fraternity, for Christ's sake. You going to tell me you didn't go out with the boys?"

   "Well. Only when I didn't have a girlfriend. When I had a girl? I always wanted to be with her. Not a bunch of guys. I guess, I did what my dad did. What my grandpa did."

   "Speedy? You be the referee, I guess. You're all logical about stuff. What do you make of all this? A man is supposed to be a boy scout, and never go out and have any fun. Come on…"

   "Am I supposed to be honest about it? Panic and George, are making a good case for… call it what you will. What you call being a boy scout, George calls it family comes first. Panic calls it 'morality'… hell's bells. I just said, that the state police guys that go home after work and don't go out with the boys as you put it? Tend to do better. I don't know what you want me to say. Me? I'm not married, so… if I wanna go out and get drunk? As long as I ain't working the next day, I can. Junior G?"

   Junior G tried.

   "Maybe this is a religion thing. George? Panic? Big churchgoers maybe?"

   Panic laughed…

   "No, not really. I haven't seen the inside of a church in I don't know how long. I'm… I call myself agnostic. I guess I believe in god, it makes sense in some way… but… I don't believe in religion."

   George shrugged.

   "Ah. We're not a big church family, if it ain't a wedding or a funeral. My dad always said, why waste 1/7th of your life there, when you should be home tending to your family."

   Senior agent tried again with George…

   "How many times you been married, George?"

   "Hey, just the once. Do it once, do it right. That's my motto on everything. Now, don't get me wrong. You ask these two boys here, the night they found me? We drank a couple of good hearty dark German beers, as well as a whole bottle of what people think is damned fine brandy."

   "See? There's nothing wrong with drinking with the boys now and again, then…"

   "No, I think you're missing the point. I drink at home. Or, with friends and family. I never was one to go out to the bars all night. Go out to strip clubs and all that shit. Maybe it all comes down to this… I don't think there's a person out there, who can say that drinking leads you to make better decisions, huh? It's fine to get drunk and do stupid shit, trust me, I done plenty of it. But, you get drunk with friends. With family. In someone's back yard you trust and know everyone… then, there's just not that much trouble you can get into. I think that's what I'm saying, really."

   Junior G asked about Senior agent's ex marriage…

   "What about your marriage? Were things okay?"

   "Eh. They were for a while. By the time you figure out there's some kind of 'problem', I think it's already too late, maybe."

   "Okay, that's fair. Now… it did just come out in the wash, there was another woman, right?"

   "Um… yeah…"

   "Where did you meet her? The library?"

   "No. A bar. Where a lot of people meet."

   "Not everyone. George? Where did you meet your wife?"

   "College."

   "Panic? He met his girl at the restaurant. Where did you meet your wife then?"

   "Actually? We met at a friend's wedding."

   "But, you met the other woman at a bar."

   The senior agent chuckled…

   "Oh, not just any bar… a cop bar…"

   "What?"

   "I didn't know you didn't know… I thought the feeb grapevine fills everyone in on all the dirt around the water cooler, Junior… yeah, it was another agent's wife. There. I said it."

   George's turn to giggle…

   "Look, you're making my own point? For me! Now, you two would of been at some cop's house, having a good old fashioned keg of beer in another cop's backyard? I bet you any money, that shit wouldn't have happened. I mean, the worst that would of come of that situation? Eh, you two get drunk, make a few eyes at each other… what? Maybe you get caught holding hands, and a good old fashioned drunken backyard BBQ fistfight. Like the good old days. You get drunk, you do something stupid, you get in a fight over it? Then it's forgive and forget a week later. No, you two met? In a cop bar, then you started sneaking out to other bars to spend time together. Its not a good recipe for a marriage. Call me and Panic 'boy scouts' all you want? We'll drink with you. We'll do stupid shit with you… we just don't wanna do it in a bar for Christ's sake."

   Speedy cut in…

   "All right guys, you made me the referee? The ref says, time to drop this conversation. For the one thing, we've been all over the same ground twice. Let's quit now, while we're all still friends and ahead of the game. For the other thing? I think our rare steaks are maybe on the way over. I just… don't think we need to be talking about cheating, with other feeb agents wives… when she gets over here."

   Junior G snorted…

   "Oh, why not? It seems to be one of her favorite topics of conversation… not to mention… if he gets maced? I'm gonna laugh my ass off."

   Merry was indeed trotting over, with a big tray of steaks. Just like George and Panic had reported? The steaks were still sizzling on the plates. She plopped each one in front of them, and bid them to take a bite, to make sure they were happy. Everyone blew on a small cut off portion and smiled and nodded their heads. Merry told them to enjoy their bloody meat, and took Panic's empty lasagna plate away, smirking slightly.

   She asked if anyone wanted anything else, promised to bring out drink refills in a little bit. They started eating, and when she was back with refills on their drinks, she asked if anyone was thinking about dessert. Everyone shook their head no. She promised to be back with their single check by the time they were done. Smiled cheerfully, and told them to enjoy their meal.

   She couldn't help tapping Panic on the head once again with her finger, and smiling at him.

   Nobody wasted any time on their steaks. As they were finishing up, Senior agent made a little joke…

   "Okay. I swear, per diem meals? They taste just a little bit better. We're supposed to be talking about work. Technically and all."

   Junior G snorted out…

   "Ha. We technically were."

   "How so?"

   "Well. We talked about cop marriages, we talked about how to deal with work and home life, we talked about working other agent's wives… we covered a lot of work ground, I'd say…"

   Speedy couldn't help but chuckle. Younger guys always enjoyed sticking around long enough to razz the older guys back…

   "Well Junior… did you learn anything from this wonderful work meeting?"

   "Yeah. I learned, what did I learn? Maybe I shouldn't be a cop, if I want to get married."

   He indicated Speedy.

   "If I still get married? I better keep my ass at home, or bad shit will happen."

   He indicated George.

   "If I wanna not taste my co-worker's dicks? I better not bring my girl or my wife? To any cop bars."

   He indicated the senior agent. Who smiled and gave him a friendly middle finger back…

   "I also learned, that meeting a girl in the bar, much like my grandparents always said, is actually probably not the best place to meet a girl."

   He indicated George and Panic.

   Speedy chuckled…

   "Anything else?"

   "Yeah. According to our dating expert who just brought us excellent bloody sliced meat, which was wonderful, I might add… I'm prone to be a lying cheating bastard, through no fault of my own, simply because I'm making a career out of trying to do the right thing with my life. Wonderful."

   "You done?"

   "Almost. George. You seem… happy with your life. Other than the shit that happened, obviously. Am I right?"

   "Yeah, you take this shit away? Life was good. Still is, technically."

   "Panic. Other than, like George here, dealing with… this shit. Were you… happy?"

   "Well. Yeah, I guess I was. I do my own thing, I enjoy that."

   Senior agent wanted to know what he was getting at.

   "Well, I'm young. You and Speedy? Both made a career out of this. How happy are you?"

   Speedy shrugged. As if to say, not bad, not the best.

   Senior agent shrugged, and added.

   "Look. Someone has to be a cop. Someone has to deal with all the bullshit. It's not for everyone, I'll grant you that. Yeah, it takes a toll on you, but like I just said… someone has to do the job. If nothing else? We're all just trying to do the right thing."

   Everyone had gotten quiet suddenly. When senior agent looked around and up, Merry was standing there.

   "Here… brought you your check…"

   She placed it politely face down for him.

   "This is for you…"

   George had a small coffee saucer, with a napkin covering it over placed in front of him.

   "For you…"

   Panic got the same napkin covered saucer mystery.

   She smiled as she placed a small bottle of soy sauce in the middle of their table.

   Merry smiled at Panic for a few seconds, then pouted as she grabbed him playfully rough by his chin and brought his face in line with hers as she leaned down and in.

   "Are you coming tonight, colonel?"

   "Yes."

   And Panic couldn't hide a slight smirk.

   She increased her pout and raised her eyebrows as she narrowed her eyes at him…

   "Funny. Well… you are…"

   "Between six and seven good?"

   "Eh. Friday. Let's say seven."

   "Okay."

   She wagged his head with her hand still on his chin…

   "Did you get some more sleep this time?"

   "Uh huh…"

   "Good. We'll be up later, and I don't have to be in for work tomorrow for quite a while. So."

   Panic nodded.

   "It's Friday night, colonel. You don't want to go out with the boys?"

   Panic looked at all three of them.

   "I honestly don't go out drinking with them very much in the first place. On top of that? There's just the project I'm on, and if I can get a little sleep, its a bonus. I'm actually under… orders? Yeah, orders… to get more sleep."

   Speedy cut in as gently as he could…

   "Ma'am? Would it be rude of me to… quiz you on times? I'm curious how much sleep your mister Panic actually got."

   She looked at him with a furrowed brow.

   "It's none of your business exactly what we did, you can forget that. But… the time he slept then woke up? You're curious? You need his permission, then I can tell you."

   Speedy smiled at Panic over his own left shoulder.

   "When did you two love birds leave the restaurant. Panic? Merry?"

   "Before two, easy. Thursday is a lot lighter than any Friday, usually. I know we were at my place way before 2."

   "Then, you two love birds… had coffee, we'll say…"

   Merry smiled.

   "That's a gentle euphemism. I like it. Sense of humor. We… had coffee, the next morning. Around… ten-ish. He got up shortly before that."

   "So… up around before 10, when did he fall asleep?"

   "Were you just listening to me when I was talking? Way before 2am."

   "Eight… hours?"

   Merry nodded. Looked at him like he had a bug on his face…

   "Coffee… right? So. I was trying to… get a cup of coffee? So, I got my coffee in my apartment. Way before two am even thinks about hitting. Now… at this point? I'm doing pretty good. I like him. I got him in my apartment. My cat likes him. He seems to like me…"

   "And…"

   "And he falls asleep. Watching a movie with me and the cat. He had said he was overtired really bad. So? I let him sleep."

   "But… he usually gets up again. Starts wandering around, and can't go back to sleep."

   "News to me. You see, even though I failed to extract… coffee. I failed then. But? He's sleeping right there. If you're that curious? I weaseled my left arm down around his neck. I got my right arm and right leg up over him. Yeah… every hour and a half, every two hours? He… talks nonsense in his sleep. I tried talking to him? It's all nonsense. I… you know, got him back down, talking nonsense."

   "You did this every two hours?"

   "I dunno, something like that. I got my arms around him gently, and my leg over him. He's on his side. He didn't fight me to get up. He babbled some slurred nonsense. I shushed him, and he went back to sleep. Each one? Was a little longer. I got woke up a few times, but, then it was almost 10:00 am."

   Speedy looked at her.

   "Miss Merry, is it?"

   "Yes."

   "I can't believe he got eight hours. That's a record."

   "He said he was overtired… so, I let him sleep for… almost eight hours. Then he was fine. He's not a problem, he just works in reverse, I guess. Normally, a girl gets her… coffee first… then maybe you sleep. This was the same thing, just in complete reverse. But I got my coffee."

   "You really like our mister Panic, don't you?"

   "Duh. Look, like I said before. I'm not shy. He… seems like a genuine nice guy. From a small town. Actual nice guys? In this city? Are you serious? They're almost fucking extinct. Yeah. This one's mine."

   She punctuated her silly mock anger by playfully grabbing his chin and wiggling his head around, grimacing comically.

   "So… you report here, around 7. We'll be out of here by 2… yes?"

   Panic smiled and nodded.

   "Now then. Onto other matters. Are you boys all going out drinking for Friday night?"

   Speedy looked around.

   "We hadn't decided yet…"

   "Panic? This one… married or unmarried. You wouldn't lie to me, would you?"

   "He's never been married."

   Merry shifted to Junior G…

   "You got a card? You feebs always have cards… give me one. And what's your name?"

   "Junior G… JG… Jay… I answer to any shit like that."

   "Card?"

   He found a small stack of cards, and handed her one.

   "When you walk out? You can get a peek at the newer, younger girl that wanted me to get your card off of you. She'll be the one waving your card at you. If you then want to, you're allowed to report here, again around 7-ish, with Panic. He can fill you in on how it works."

   "Panic?"

   Panic shrugged.

   "I can report that you sit with the girls, and the cooks come out too. You have to play twenty questions with all the girls. During this long drawn out extraction of information… you get all the side dishes and other shit you want. That part's really cool."

   "That… would depend on which girl waves my card at me on the way out. I didn't have any major plans."

   "Well, everyone knows Colonel Panic is flying Merry airlines. I was showing him off to the day girls just now? I'm not in charge of that flight schedule. Do your thing. Or not. That brings us to you."

   Speedy simply said…

   "Me?"

   "I'm pointing my finger at you, ain't I?"

   "Yes."

   "Panic? Married or single?"

   "That's Speedy. Speedy is a never married state cop from another state. Not my state, either. Speedy is a straight, quiet hard ass. He's polite and smart. He's also a Sagittarius. He's a 'nice guy' like I am, just not as quiet."

   "The other girl wants his card. Speedy? I'm obviously not in charge of that flight pattern, either."

   Speedy handed her a brick red business card…

   "Same deal. Denise is a little older than the new girl, you can see who waves your card at you on the way out. Come in at 7 if you want. Or go out and have fun."

   "See you boys…"

   And Merry was gone, having extracted both business cards for the walk by on the way out.

   Junior G laughed…

   "This is like high school… the hell, depends on what waves my card back at me. Who knows. Speedy?"

   "Eh. I'm with you. Depends on what waves my card. They don't seem to have any really ugly girls here, I don't think. Look around, it ranges from half decent, up to almost top shelf. The odds don't seem that bad."

   JG pointed at both George's and Panic's napkin covered mystery saucers, then to the bottle of soy.

   George and Panic took their napkins off to reveal little tiny meatballs of raw hamburger already on little toothpicks. The soy was resting on a third saucer holding the bottle. Panic filled the saucer up with soy, and him and George dipped the hamburger in soy and finished it. They stopped halfway through to offer it around, but, no one else wanted any.

   Senior agent thought it was gross to eat raw meat, and whined. JG didn't want any, but wasn't grossed out. Speedy had to try one then a second dipped in soy. He proclaimed it wasn't his thing, but it was edible, and it surprised him.

   George and Panic finished when they couldn't shovel any into anyone else.

   JG was also curious about the setup…

   "Speedy? Shall we?"

   Speedy gave a wan smile and they all got up to leave. Speedy stopped and regarded Senior…

   "If either me, or JG… mention you left your phone back at the booth? Go back and waste a minute looking for it. One of us will yell for you, when we want you back up. Okay?"

   "Yeah… will do."

   On the way to the register, there was a small gaggle of the waitresses there, watching customers file out on occasion. They gave perfunctory smiles with "bye bye" and "come again" canned send off's. Two were waving business cards. JGs was likely the youngest girl there, and an older woman not quite Speedy's age had a red card in her hand.

   JG and Speedy exchanged glances and JG all but sent senior back to get his phone. Senior came back up, waving his phone after he hadn't been called up in what seemed like was getting to be a suspicious amount of time. Speedy and JG were busy talking to their card girls.

   Senior cackled and tugged at their shirts to move them along…

   "It's okay girls, I think they'll be back at 7 ish…"

   All the girls in their gaggle near the register and back from it, waved and smiled. Particularly the two with cards.