Merry - Chapter 78

   When Panic saw Merry coming back up the path, she was clearly jogging on her return. She slowed as she came around the bend to camp where she would be observable, but Senior was seated bullshitting and drinking with Panic, and still had his back to her. The "party clothes" she had claimed she was going to change into? Her leather Pochahantas outfit. She had her backpack as well, both straps slung over one shoulder. She put her finger to her lips as she sneaked up behind Senior, and stood behind him. Panic started smiling at Senior, who didn't know what was up until Merry had her hands over his eyes.

   "Guess who?"

   Senior jumped but instantly relaxed, making everyone including himself chuckle. He sniffed the air and grinned.

   "Awfully nice perfume for an international terrorist, which would have been my first guess…"

   Merry laughed, and Panic smiled. It was her lilting and musical laugh. A young girl's flirtatious laughter, and all that was missing was the hair flipping to go with it. Standing behind Senior with her hands over his eyes, Merry stuck her tongue out at Panic. Because her boyfriend was the only person at the moment who could see her, she winked and wiggled her tongue at him in a particularly obscene manner and smiled. She lowered her head to almost on Senior's shoulder so he could get the full effect of her perfume and teased him back, still covering his eyes.

   "I tried terrorism. It was so boring, blowing things up. A girl wants to have fun you know, so… I got into rape… torture… and a little drug dealing. You know, the fun stuff."

   Merry gave Panic her best bedroom eyes and he shook his head and smiled. He had seen her pull this performance before at the nail salon. It never got old for him in the entertainment department. She still had her hands over his eyes, and Senior was making no move to get away.

   "Okay… keep your eyes closed. I got a surprise for you."

   Merry walked around and posed in front of Panic which had her standing directly in front of Senior when she told him to open his eyes. She gave him a couple typical girl poses to show her outfit off, and turned in a couple circles so he could appreciate her Pochahantas outfit.

   Not drunk by any stretch, but with a couple in him… Senior was surprised at Merry's seemingly sudden transformation. He naturally smiled nervously and stared for a few seconds.

   "Wow. I've only seen you in your work uniform back in DC, and… the jeans and T shirt here at camp. Quite a change."

   "My party clothes. You like?"

   Merry spun in a slow circle for him again.

   He smiled and nodded his head.

   "The boys nicknamed me Pochahantas because of my outfit. Go figure."

   Merry was still playing cocktail waitress, and went and got Senior a beer for when his was done. Made a show of refilling Panic's wine in his Styrofoam cup. Standing behind Senior again, she made the noise of filling a good bit of Panic's Styrofoam cup up, but… the second half of the noise of pouring liquid was pouring most back into the bottle. She even said "don't spill it, honey…" as she handed it over before sitting in a folding camp chair smack up against Panic.

   They sat and talked. Merry carried the conversation, describing her childhood Indian rendezvous experiences growing up, and how that led to her outfit. She talked about how everything had to be authentic and old fashioned, and gabbed about her jewelry she had on. Her leather wrist-lets, and the leather anklets over her knee high moccasins. She admitted shyly that the modern jewelry was a "serious no no" at rendezvous, but, that the boys at the camp didn't mind, and let her get away with the sin. Merry laughed as she explained…

   "Panic here is a leg man, he says, so… he doesn't mind my Indian maiden outfit."

   Senior politely smiled and said he approved as well. Merry pouted like a little girl, and admitted the "boys" were teasing her, that her feet were too big. Sitting all huddled with their folding camp chairs close, Merry stuck her feet with the knee high moccasins up on the very front edge of Senior's chair.

   "Do my feet look like they're too big? I'm starting to get sensitive about it. I hope I don't get a complex over it, even though I know that's silly."

   Senior tugged one of her knee high moccasins, and politely told her she didn't look like her feet were too big. Merry stuck her tongue out at Panic, and blew raspberries at him.

   "See? He agrees with me, my feet aren't too big."

   "Okay, hun. You have little, tiny, dainty girl feet. For a Sasquatch."

   Merry indicated with her hand out…

   "There. You see what I have to put up with?"

   Things continued in more or less this fashion for a while. When the boys returned, Panic explained that Speedy needed a nap, and pointed to the sign on the bunkhouse. Everyone readily agreed to try to keep the noise down to a dull roar until dark, out of respect for his nap time. Once the boys started socializing with Senior, Merry and Panic took the opportunity to go for a short walk without anyone really noticing.

   They went a short distance downwind of the main camp, and had themselves a little smoke-fest. Panic teased Merry about her little performance.

   "Not that I had this all planned out back then, but… I'm sure you remember the circumstances when me and Senior met at the steakhouse, right?"

   "Oh yeah."

   "Well, I'm using a technique. A gentle way to get control of people? You withhold approval for a length of time. Then, you suddenly reverse and give approval. You'd be surprised how well it works on most people. I'm suddenly giving him approval, so, it makes him feel special. Bringing him drinks and flirting with him probably doesn't hurt any either."

   "You? Are a little too good at this."

   "How many years was I a waitress, huh? I learned a little bit about flirting in college, and a lot more being a waitress all those years. The girls that got it down pat? Make a ton more tips per week than the ones that don't. Happy, fun, flirty and chatty… that makes you the tips from the guys."

   "You almost never wear perfume. Now you got a ton on."

   "I'm telling you, he's putty in my hands. He likes looking at me, he likes smelling me. He likes talking to me, and he likes having me waiting on him. Did you see the smile on his face when he got to touch my moccasins? Putty."

   "I noticed. Didn't hurt he got a leg show at the same time. Glad you have your loincloth on."

   Merry teased him.

   "Mm. You jealous?"

   "No. As long as I'm the one that gets raped tonight, and not him, I'm fine."

   "Not a problem, hun. The perfume? Is also a cover for…"

   …and Merry pointed at their hand-rolled cigarette.

   "I guess so. You got eye-drops for us?"

   Merry nodded and produced a little bottle of eye-drops for both of them before they walked back.

   "I assume you got everything else in the backpack, right?"

   "Yep. You practiced this a couple times, and other than your laptop? You kept everything in that little box. I grabbed the laptop, the box, and the stuff. We're just waiting on everyone else to get drunk. I'm figuring around midnight or so."

   "Yeah. It's a Friday, the boys are celebrating the pool going off, Speedy's here, we have VIP guests… even the property owner came in and gave us a good report. A late Friday night party around the campfire is just about guaranteed."

   By the time they got back, things were getting into full swing. Most of the guys were enjoying an earlier occasional beer than what was normal, and those that didn't like beer were having a small glass of wine. Everyone was more gregarious than usual, and the atmosphere was fun and upbeat. Skykid had a big dinner planned, and Merry split her time between Panic and Senior, and standing attached at the hip to Skykid and his cooking lessons.

   Just before dark, Speedy got up and everyone all but cheered him. He went with a towel and shower bric a brac to take a quick dip and a change of clothes, then returned and pronounced himself a new man. Skykid had prepared a whole table of side dishes for everyone. Various shrimp dishes and crab dishes. Several kinds of bowls of dips with different chips to go with it.

   Merry and Panic fell in love with the big bacon, crab and cheese stuffed mushrooms, and threatened to ruin their appetite for dinner enjoying it. JG arrived before dark. Uncle Mike appeared after dark, followed shortly by both IA guys. Everyone agreed to postpone "work" and "shop" talk, in lieu of a fun weekend first. Even George made it down and pronounced he had his wife's "permission" to spend the night having fun with the boys.

   When some of the boys teased him about needing permission to go out and have some fun? George laughed, and explained it was not so much permission, as it was that she more or less threw him out of the house and made him go out to have some fun and relax. George told the amusing story that there were two types of husbands. Type one? Went out all the time, and had to seek permission to go out and have fun. He was a type two, which meant he rarely did. Which of course meant that the wife would throw him out to go have fun when she said he needed it.

   George commandeered a small bowl of some unfamiliar dip that caught his fancy. When he asked Skykid what the hell it was that he was eating?

   "That? An experiment. We're up to our ass in catfish in the fish freezer. I baked a bunch of the big catfish? Then shredded the meat, and used it for crab in the crab dip recipes. So far, everyone seems to like it."

   George was clearly enjoying the bowl of dip he had in his lap, a plate of half potato chips and half tortilla chips with it.

   "What's in this, other than the catfish meat?"

   "Lotta stuff. Butter, cream cheese, really fine chopped grapes and celery. Different spices. Honestly, within reason, you can almost throw anything into a dip, if you take the time to chop and grind it small enough. I swear, I could throw a handful of dirt into a dip, and no one would notice."

   Skykid finally announced dinner was being started soon. It was going to be Chinese night, of all things. He explained various dishes he had been seeing at all the Chinese buffets that he had been working on slowly over time. Game meat was being substituted for most of the traditional meats, however, for what he called an "RLB twist" on things.

   The steak and broccoli dish was using strips of deer steak instead of the cow steak. The steak fried rice and pork fried rice would have chunks of deer meat and wild pig, respectively. He said he was "winging it" by experimenting off the cuff with a butter catfish fried rice. He already had the big cast iron cauldron making a giant batch of rice to feed all the other dishes. He had an assistant volunteer stirring the rice cauldron, to keep it from burning and sticking to the bottom.

   Rob joked by asking Panic off to the side, if Merry was dating Skykid, or Senior, as she seemed to be dividing her time between those two in place of hanging all over him like normal. Panic laughed off Skykid and his cooking lessons, and pointed out it benefited him and his stomach in the end.

   "Panic? I'm not saying anything. I'm just making a joke, but… I can't help notice a few things."

   Panic smiled mysteriously.

   "Such as?"

   "Well. The only time I ever smelled perfume on Merry? Was that one time she got all dolled up in the dress and we went out. And tonight? She took a bath in it."

   "She does smell good, though. I'm getting used to the whole cheap hooker wearing too much perfume thing. Goes with that leather mini pretty good. I can't wait to get her back to the cabin late tonight."

   "I could see where you'd like that. Now, is there any particular reason she's hanging all over that Senior guy that came in? The boys made a few jokes about how long it's gonna take till he gets tasered…"

   "Rob? Everything's cool. Let everyone think what they want, and make whatever jokes they like. You know I don't mind. And, if you want to win a few bets on it? Senior won't be getting tasered. Even if he touches her butt. He's getting VIP treatment."

   "You're up to something. She's in on it."

   Panic winked at his tall friend.

   "You think?"

   "Yeah."

   "But, does anyone else think it?"

   "I bet, just me and maybe Skykid. Cause we know you better."

   "All good. Yeah. We're running a little operation."

   "I'm almost afraid to ask."

   "You should be. This is a little ballsy, even for me."

   "Well?"

   "That Senior guy?"

   "Yeah…"

   "That, is Speedy's friend at the FBI. He's the agent in charge of our case there."

   "All right."

   "Me? I want some information he has. It's either on his phone, or, his laptop."

   "You guys are going to get him drunk and steal his phone and laptop? Or… just borrow them…"

   "Perish the thought. That's an official FBI phone. And his official FBI laptop. They get stolen? There would be hell to pay."

   "Right. So why you smiling."

   "Why steal them. I'm going to copy his phone, and copy the hard drive on his laptop. Think of it… like how a thief is smart enough not to steal the key, instead? He makes an impression of the key, then gets his own key that way. Same principle."

   "All right, but… won't FBI phones and computers have… you know, special security and encryption and shit like that? Can't be that easy to break into them, even if you do have a copy of them."

   "Oh yeah. That? Is why he is going to give Merry the password to both devices. To make my job easy."

   "You expect to just… get him drunk-ed up, and Merry will sweet talk the passwords out of him?"

   "Basically."

   "I'm not buying this one…"

   "Oh. Did I forget to mention, we're going to drug him so he doesn't know what he's doing, and won't remember it, and will do whatever we tell him? Right in front of everyone, and no one will be the wiser."

   "You're actually serious…"

   "Fuck yeah. Me and Speedy? We've been playing the goddamn FBI red tape game for too long. We've both had it up to here with that game. I mean, just look at poor Speedy, when he got here. He has that tired whipped dog look. Fuck this shit. I'm getting what I need, and I'm getting it tonight. I'm tired of playing games down in DC."

   "I'm afraid to ask, how much trouble you'd be in if you got caught doing this."

   "Ha. I honestly don't know exactly, but, I'm pretty sure it would be really bad."

   "Big risk, ain't it?"

   Panic smiled at Rob…

   "Rob? How big was the risk when we got that Redwater officer piss drunk, and read all his operation files. We did it anyways, didn't we?"

   "Ha, I forgot about that one. Yeah, I can see this is about the same thing, really. Just be careful."

   "Always. Don't worry, me and Merry have been practicing this for a while now, we got our shtick down pat. It's a big party, and everyone will be pretty drunk by after midnight. That's when I figure will be the best time for this to go down."

   "Anything I can do to help?"

   "Not really, but…"

   "What?"

   "No one else will be any the wiser, but, Speedy? If he notices us fucking with the guys laptop and phone, I figure he's the only one that would know something bad was up. If you could figure out, between now and midnight… some story to come up with why you need to take a walk and a talk with Speedy? That would help. It would be like… insurance."

   "I'll come up with something. But… how do I know when it's going down?"

   "I'll tell Merry to come up and hang out with you for a minute. She'll hug you and kiss you on the cheek. That'll be your signal."

   "All right. I got all night to come up with a story of why I want to talk with him."

   "It would help. Trying to do it around Speedy has been the only chink in the whole plan. The rest is easy. You take care of that? I'm golden."

   "I got you."

   "Thanks, brother."

   "No problem."

   Panic went and told Merry the new modification to the plan that made it even safer and easier, and what the signal to Rob was. Merry kissed him, told him not to worry, that everything would be fine. Then she went back to helping Skykid cook chinese, and getting the basics of what was going on. She knew Panic loved chinese food, and she was in love with the idea of being able to make it for him that winter.

   Skykid entertained everyone with wild pig won-ton soup, and another experiment, the catfish egg-rolls. This kept everyone while he made large heaping portions of the main dishes. He worked on the giant camp griddle, explaining to Merry where the hot part was, and where the warming section was. When he was done with a giant heap of Chinese food, he scooped it into a large stainless salad bowl and pushed it to the warming section of the griddle for everyone to enjoy. Then he simply moved right along to the next dish. Merry was amazed at how fast the actual main dishes got cooked, and how many leftovers would be produced.

   Merry kept playing cocktail waitress to her little group, then fetched them drinks after dinner. Everyone slowly got predictably tipsy, and the talk got loud and energized. When the time was judged to be getting near, Panic complained that Mike and the FBI IA guy were hanging out right with their group, he hadn't counted on that. Merry smiled and took him aside, and explained that she let Mike in on it, and he approved. FBI IA? Mike had explained to her that IA never turned down a chance to look at anything they could get their hands on, to get a peek into the working life of any of their agents. Particularly a senior agent.

   Panic got Mike aside by himself at the first opportunity, and verified this. Mike smiled, and explained that IA was actually used to doing hard drive examinations in the course of their work. IA as a favor to him? Would go over it, and pull off anything to do with the case for Mike's benefit. Panic realized Merry really did have Mike on board with nearly anything she came up with. Mike explained that IA couldn't do or act on anything weird they found on the hard drive anyways, but, it wasn't like they wanted to miss the chance to take a peek anyways.

   By 10:30, everyone was drunk and enjoying themselves. All energy and boisterous fun in small groups scattered about the camp. Everyone was enjoying batches of the meal as they drank and carried on. Merry and Panic finally agreed they could probably march elephants through the camp and no one would notice, and if they did notice, they would just point all drunk and laugh.

   Merry ambled over to Rob and small talked him a bit, then slipped her arm around his waist and hugged him. Gave him a kiss on the cheek, before returning to her little group. Rob slowly made his way not long afterwards, and sat next to Speedy and struck up a conversation with him. It didn't take long for the two of them to take a little walk and have some discussion about something.

   Standing behind Senior, with her hands on his shoulders, Merry leaned down and reminded him they had some of the apricot brandy she saved for them all. Already drunk and enjoying himself, Senior was excited about this and readily accepted the Styrofoam cup she had ready and leaned over his shoulder and put into his hand for him. Within a minute or two, he had it gone.

   Merry pulled her camping chair right up next to his, and gabbed with him for a short time. In the bigger context of the giant party going on around the campfire, no one really noticed that Senior was furrowing his brow and looking around with a slightly confused look on his face. Merry sat quietly right next to him, patting him on the hand and talking to him.

   Panic was watching from the clubhouse door as Merry first put her lips to his ear then Senior got his phone out. Tapped the screen, then handed it to Merry. Merry said something else in his ear, and looked around some to make sure they weren't being observed. She reached into his jacket pocket hanging over his camping chair back and palmed his cruiser keys. She spoke to him once again, then got up and walked slowly over to Panic.

   "Here's the phone. The numbers are easy to remember. 1776."

   "Laptop?"

   Merry wiggled the keys at him, smiling.

   "Lone Ranger 2000. One big word. All lower case."

   "I'll have the laptop by the time you're done with the phone. Then? I'll go back and babysit him, probably keep him dosed up till you're all done."

   Merry ambled off to Senior's cruiser, unlocked the passenger door, and got his laptop off of the front seat and took it to Panic. No one could have cared less amid all the gentle commotion that was a campfire party. Merry waited and took the phone back and slid it in Senior's jacket pocket, and babysat him.

   Mike was a blessing being in on this, Panic realized. Being the big man in the office back at the Hoover building he was, he merely suggested having some food and talking to JG? And JG, the young eager to please agent was simply thrilled to follow him like a puppy dog and socialize with one of the higher ups, above even his own senior agent. A few drinks in him, he was beaming ear to ear to have Mike's arm around his shoulder, talking shop to him.

   Panic stood in the doorway while the hard drive was being cloned. Using a direct fire-wire cable between his own laptop and the FBI laptop, it was way quicker than with the more usual USB 3.0 cable most people used. Even if anyone did come in and ask what he was doing, Panic was always doing something with computers and could easily entertain anyone with whatever excuse he wanted. No one even noticed or came in or cared, however. Party time was party time, after all.

   Panic realized he was the only one there who knew Merry was periodically re-dosing Senior a few drops at a time, to keep him confused and in la la land. Sitting quietly. Obeying any sweet instruction Merry put into his ear. When Panic was done, he waved to Merry and blew her a kiss. She re-dosed Senior a final time, and sauntered over and took the laptop back to the cruiser, put it exactly as she had found it on the front seat, and carefully re-locked the door.

   Senior had a confused look on his face, furrowing his brow. Looking around at nothing and everything, before he shook his head a few times and looked around. Panic was there in the camp chair across from him directly. Merry was sitting next to him, with her hand on his on the arm of the camp chair. Eventually, the confused look subsided somewhat.

   "Hey, Senior. You all right?"

   He looked around, and shook his head once.

   "Yeah. Why?"

   "No reason. We were sitting here talking. You were just about to tell us a joke you were telling us how funny it was going to be. Then? You got all quiet. Wouldn't answer us."

   "Oh. I. Uh… I don't know. I was… a little dizzy."

   "Well, we're drinking. As long as you're okay…"

   "Yeah. I just… I don't know. I guess… I kinda dozed off for a minute there. Sorry."

   "Hey. That's what party's are for, right?"

   Merry took over.

   "Hey honey, it's fine. You probably just had a wee too much to drink. How about… we get some more food in you, huh? I bet that'll fix you up. You can have another drink a little bit later, as long as you feel okay. All right?"

   Senior nodded and was about to stand up, and Merry told him she'd get him his snack. What did we want? Senior said he liked the wild pork fried rice, and Merry came back with a Styrofoam bowl of it for him. She got him another bowl when he finished. Then he thanked her, and apologized for "winking out" in the middle of a conversation on everyone. They all laughed it off. After a half hour wait when he was done with food, and Merry had him drink a cold can of cola, she asked him if he felt better. He said he did.

   Merry smiled and got him a couple fingers of the smoked apricot brandy he liked. Panic and Merry took another short walk, hand in hand. They passed Rob and Speedy just walking back gabbing. They exchanged pleasantries, how good the food situation was, how much fun everyone was having. They stepped off the trail once they were alone, and smoked themselves half silly. Made out like high school kids while they did it. After all, they had both been only pretending to be drinking with everyone, and play acting that they were tipsy. Wetting their lips pretending to drink.

   Now? They could each have a couple of drinks, and actually enjoy the rest of the party a little bit themselves. The work was done, after all. Time for some fun for themselves. Merry and Panic walked back to the party, and stopped at Rob. Panic thanked him again for helping him out, and Merry palmed him a hand-rolled cigarette. Rob always had a couple beers with everyone, but never seemed to really get drunk like a lot of the guys did. Rob thanked her, and went and took a short walk himself before returning.

   Merry and Panic shared a couple glasses of Skykid's Merlot wine. They kissed occasionally, and took in their surroundings. The manic roar phase of the party had subsided into the more gentle and sedated slow ending. They had "hit" Senior before their scheduled midnight time, things had seemed perfect around shortly after 11. The boys were in their groups. One group had a guy standing up talking and demonstrating his last hunt and the shot he had made. Another group was sharing how they set their game cams up for scouting. George and Speedy and now Mike were huddled and talking amiably. Even Senior and JG were gabbing and laughing about some old case and the funny situations that had come up.

   Panic squeezed Merry's hand gently, and she looked at him.

   "Yes?"

   "Do… you really like all this, Merry?"

   "Yes, honey. Very much."

   "You don't think you'll miss the hustle and bustle of the city?"

   "No. Not really. I think there's very little about the city I'll actually miss."

   "What will you miss?"

   "Oh. I got used to the girls at the steakhouse. I miss racquetball, jogging. Not too much more than that, I don't think."

   "You really think you'll enjoy spending the winter here, in between your trial dates?"

   Merry smiled.

   "Yes. I'm sure."

   "And… staying here, after the trial is over?"

   Merry looked around at the boys gabbing in their little social circles.

   "Mm hmm. Right now? I'm wondering who ever invented big cities. And why people like them."

   Mike wandered over nonchalantly when Senior went off to get a drink and a snack, and spoke quietly.

   "You mind if I talk to you two tomorrow? Figured we all sleep in, maybe late afternoon, early evening. You two share a cabin they told me. Figured I could stop by. We chat. Then? I wanna talk to you and Speedy once or twice, without Senior. But, we got all week and then some."

   They all agreed.

   Merry and Panic had small talk and a few wine kisses. Small talk with others that came and went. They sometimes mingled about slowly, temporarily joining this little subgroup or that one. There was way more food than anyone could eat, and Skykid threw handfuls of water in to keep it from drying out while on the warming side of the griddle.

   Merry got another now routine lecture on what the griddle was doing. Sky explained easily how he cooked on the hot part, then scooted it over to the warming part. How he could push the griddle on it's rotating pole over or away from the fire, lower it or raise it. He went on to explain that Merry would be doing Chinese in a wok was the normal fashion. How the bottom was the hot part that boiled, fried, or cooked… and pulling up the sides was the warming part. Same result, different tool.

   "And never ever forget, Merry. You don't just follow recipes. Only the first time, to get it right. Then? You add or subtract one or two things every time you make it. You morph it into what you and Panic like, not what pleases a crowd like this. You ever do a crowd? You can just fall back on the original, that's how it got to be a recipe passed around."

   "Hm. Chinese looks like you can throw anything in there."

   "Any vegetable, any meat. You like something? Add it. You don't like something? Leave it out. Remember Panic was filling up on those other rolls I made?"

   "Yeah…"

   "That was for him. Egg-rolls are whatever mixed with finely shredded cabbage in the roll that gets fried or baked."

   "But, he hates cabbage."

   "He does. He'll eat an egg-roll, but, he won't fill up on them. So… since it's my buddy… what's the joke we all make about the other cabbage he does like?"

   "Baby Brussels sprouts…"

   "Bingo. I slice them real fine, and use that instead of the finely shredded cabbage. Works the same, cooks the same. I don't have to try to candy the cabbage up and ruin it for everyone else. I only do shit like that for him and Rob, and I try not to have everyone notice. But me at home? You cooking for him? There you go."

   "I can't believe how cheap Chinese is, to make these huge piles of food…"

   "When you make it yourself it is. Remember… we get free deer steak and free wild pig, so, it's just rice, noodles, and vegetables. Once you have bottles of the sauces, you're about set."

   "Christ, he'll make a big something, then eat it for days…"

   Skykid smiled…

   "Make enough to go nuts, and freeze what you can't eat. Add a dash of water when you warm it up, that's all. Once you have a big bag of rice? And you already have all the deer steak and wild pig you could ask for… fried rice is really cheap."

   "What's that… multicolored wild rice you made for the guys that like it… he eats that, too."

   Skykid laughed.

   "Wild rice? It's just what we call it in the store. It ain't."

   "What is it?"

   "Bunch of different random grasses that grow in wetlands, naturally. Up north? Old timers canoed around, shaking the grasses at the still water's edge, until it filled the canoe up. That was their haul for winter."

   "Hmm. He likes to add rice to anything he can. If he doesn't mix it in? He makes it on the side. Or, he mixes it together before he eats it."

   "He uses it as a filler. It makes the dish bigger. Cheaper per plate. Ha, I noticed when he bought his chicken thighs? You started coming up here for lunch and dinner. I know why…"

   "He eats chicken thighs. Until they're gone. I ain't allowed to throw out the juice in the bottom of the pan, he keeps building that up. Then? When the chicken's gone? He cuts up potatoes in that. With carrots, broccoli, and the damned Brussels sprouts. He keeps doing it, until the juice at the bottom of the pan is gone. Then? He switches to something else."

   "How long does the chicken then the potato vegetable thing go on for?"

   "Days… I got him down to a science. He eats almost two pounds of chicken, per day. A thigh or two? The cat gets it. I'm talking two pounds, per day, until it's gone. Then? The potatoes and vegetables in the juice thing starts. That goes on for a couple days. When he runs out of the bag of potatoes? He makes instant rice in the little bit left over."

   "I know what he's doing. Right off, he gets the chicken thighs when they're on sale. Then? Thighs are the biggest cut of chicken, at the lowest price. It's the best deal. Now… every time he boil-bakes the chicken at 250 for an hour? All the chicken fat is collecting up. I'm sure you've seen the hard layer the next day…"

   "Yeah."

   "He's frying the sliced potatoes and the veggies in it. Until it's gone. The rice at the end? He's just using up the last few calories."

   "Why not just fry in oil?"

   "Natural fat? First off, it's free, it's left over from all the soft baked chicken. Then, it's supposed to be healthier. Finally? It's efficiency. There's no waste when he's finally done, days later."

   "I'm almost afraid when he finally does chili…"

   "He'll make a big pot of the chili, and the same size pot of rice. He'll use a scoop to put rice in the bowl, then a equal size scoop of chili. He'll repeat until he's full. This? Will go on until the chili pot is gone. He's used to living alone, and feeding himself."

   "What do I do? I don't wanna eat the same thing for three days…"

   Skykid laughed.

   "You have two choices. You can either make smaller pots of things? So it disappears and you can move on quicker. Or… you can make something for yourself while he's on a binge on something. Or…"

   "Or what…"

   "He's on a chicken binge? Steal some of the chicken and make chicken fried rice. Steal some more chicken? Make chicken soup and add the rice when you heat it up and eat it. The potatoes? The vegetables? Can go in the soup or when he starts frying the potatoes. Same with the rice. Turn his one dish thing, into a real meal. Steal some chicken and use it to make chicken pizza."

   "Hmm. He keeps saying he makes pizza dough from scratch…"

   "He worked in a pizza shop for years. He makes pizza dough by eye, doesn't even weigh anything. The same dough? Makes home made donut holes. He also makes bread bowls for chili out of it, if he makes chili right after making extra pizza dough. It's basically just pizza dough cooked between two stainless bowls in the oven. You eat the bowl for bread, as you eat your bowl of chili."

   "I get you… I have to make a small pot of chili, and steal the dough for bread bowls and bread-sticks… to save myself from eating pizza every night for a week straight."

   "Bingo. You act like he won't eat a bread bowl of chili with his pizza."

   "Christ. I'm gonna weigh three hundred pounds by springtime…"

   Skykid laughed.

   "You haven't gained any weight yet, and you've been here a while. You guys jog and walk in the woods a lot. You're a big, tall, strong girl. Most of what you guys eat? Is low fat. Deer meat, almost no fat. We have to add some cow fat to the ground meat, to make burgers. The wild pigs? Same deal. Lots of rice, lots of vegetables, lots of fresh eggs. Where's the fat coming from? That's why he craves chicken every once in a while. His body is craving fat it needs, not fatty foods to watch TV with."

   Merry looked down at her tan, muscular legs she was showing off in the leather mini outfit.

   "I guess you're right. If I was gonna pork out, I'd have started already."

   Skykid laughed…

   "What did the two day hike do for you? Panic was telling me and Rob, you were carping about having gained five pounds."

   "Oh, that. Two days later when we got back? I had lost five pounds."

   "Imagine what happens if you hike and camp for a week straight. Do you want him to take you hunting this winter?"

   "I've been bugging him about it, yeah."

   "Oh. You think you have to talk him into it, huh?"

   "Seems like."

   Skykid chuckled.

   "When you're not around, he brags about it. See, lazy hunters, just hunt on the edge of these game-lands. There's only so many deer. Now, the further in you go? You get less people? There's lots more deer herds. Deer that barely know what people are. The pigs too. He's been bragging, you'll be the only girl hiking that far in with him."

   Merry stopped and punched Skykid on the shoulder lightly…

   "What was that frog abuse for, eh? Frogs are protected wildlife, I'll have you know."

   "You were in on it. I need mushrooms, I'm cooking, the guys are working, who's gonna get the mushrooms…"

   Skykid wiggled his eyebrows.

   "You already know, I'm a sneaky little frog."

   "Well?"

   "Well what…"

   "Did I get a good report?"

   "Oh yeah. He said, he tried to kill you hiking too far in. In winter, hiking for hunting? You won't have to go that far that many days. Once you're there? You just hunt in that area every day. You'll be fresh by the time you hike back out."

   "How do we carry deer out?"

   "The back-straps make steak. You eat that every day while you're there. The front legs? Give you stew meat. You either each carry out a whole deer back leg or two, to butcher up at home? Or… you sit and jerk it over a fire. Jerky? Weighs one tenth the weight of the meat that made it. If it's snowing? A sled. It'll be cold, the meat don't go bad. You have to hang it anyways for a couple days, it just hangs bringing it back. But, that's just for casual hunting."

   "Casual hunting?"

   "Yeah. Casual. For fun. When doe season starts? That's the real meat season. He's been talking to a guy to rent horses to go out with. And a pack mule that goes with you. You'll bring more doe carcasses back than you can eat all year round. Plus all the jerky you make over the fires while you're there. Real tent, real supplies, riding instead of hiking. Roughing it with the hammock was just to see if you could do it."

   "I don't ride horses, Sky…"

   "You rode dirt bikes, didn't you?"

   "Yeah…"

   "Easier. You're not going to be trick riding like in some old cowboy movie. These are trail horses. You just sit there and the horse walks slowly along the trail. It's easy."

   "The fuck is the goddamned mule for?"

   "Pack mule. For carrying deer out, or, pulling a sled of deer. Not to mention, hunting on horses? You'll be far enough out, you can just walk the horses into a field of deer grazing. They don't get spooked by other herd animals. You can damned near walk up to a deer on a horse and shoot it with a handgun."

   "Wow. I thought I had to keep bugging him to take me…"

   "No. He's been bragging that you wanna go and keep asking."

   "Wow. He's been planning our whole winter. I had no idea…"

   "Spring too. That's fishing season. Summer, you already know about from this summer. Swimming, hiking, all kinda of stuff. Plus, there will be stuff to do around the range and property for George. You'll get plenty of exercise and won't get bored, if that's what you're worried about."

   "And he's been talking about the gun store to go with the range…"

   "He has? Oh, good shit. That's the best thing, we have our own gun store, I tell ya…"

   "He's constantly asking me, if I really enjoy it here… he's… planning our life out…"

   "Unless… you'd rather be a waitress 12 hours a day, seven days a week. Living in a motel room the rest of your life. Dodging dirty cops coming to kill you. Maybe that's fun when you're young, but… doesn't that get old?"

   "No, I hate being shot at, trust me. And being out here? Christ, it's like living on vacation, and the vacation never ends."

   "And you're surrounded by armed hunters, night and day, all year round. All cops and military. How much safer could you get?"

   "No. I already know that. I told Panic, I feel like a princess. I'm basically living on vacation non stop, and I get armed guards anytime I wanna go anywhere. I'm fucking spoiled, is what I am…"

   Skykid laughed…

   "Being spoiled? Is good work if you can find it, Merry. You two have plenty of work if you want, it's just all fun work. You don't have to work any day you don't want to, for the most part."

   "I didn't realize all of this. I guess it kinda sneaked up on me."

   "Funny you should say that."

   "Why…"

   "He said you kinda sneaked up on him. None of this was planned. It all just happened. His words."

   "He's… happy about it?"

   "Honestly? He's like a little kid the day before his birthday. Now here… take a couple catfish Brussels rolls over to him. Might as well have another snack, I don't know what we're gonna do with all this food…"

   Merry took the rolls and some of the wild pork fried rice over for the two of them. They stepped over to the edge of the camp, out of the firelight, and had a quick smoke. This late into the party, no one would notice a thing. Then, they ate a little bit again. They had the giggles from smoking, and kiss shared another half a glass of wine. There was plenty of leisure time now before the party broke up for good.

   George came and sat with them in the party's afterglow. He wasn't really drunk, but he wasn't really sober either. Just pleasantly enjoying his mild glow as he put it. The three of them shared the last of the smoked apricot bottle. While they quietly sipped a couple fingers each, they were amused by watching Senior and his antics. He was drunk, but he was a happy drunk.

   "Panic?"

   "Yeah…"

   "Ain't this better than any bar?"

   "Oh yeah. Senior sure seems like he's having fun, even though he's a bar guy."

   "Poor guy's divorced. No home life, no hobbies other than working? That's how it goes. Me? I like the wife and the kids. I like working out of my home. Christ, I can't believe you guys sold almost all of my booze."

   "Wasn't as much sold it, as… the boys bought it, most of it. Remember, they're coming in like it's a vacation."

   "When I'm done in the damn city, I'm gonna have to really make some stuff to stock up. I can see the way this is going. I'm gonna need to make more than ever before."

   "Gonna have to expand the operation, huh?"

   "Eh. Just instead of working X days to make the year's worth? It'll be two or three times longer to stock it up. Pity the guys had to go into town to buy beer for this."

   "We wanted to save you one wooden keg of the dark beer you like, one keg of the apricot brandy, and one keg of each wine, cause we don't know how sweet you are on those."

   "Oh hell. I already made out. I guess I'm gonna donate that last keg of dark beer to them for the rest of this little vacation. I'll break out some of the apricot brandy, but, you know, put some back for me. Don't worry, I'll make sure you and Speedy get a few bottles each. Should tide us over till I get a few batches of stuff going. I'm hoping to get done soon. Apricot harvest is coming soon, then… the bruised apricots? They're too soft and sweet to sell… that's the cheap stuff they about give away, and, that's the best stuff you use for the apricot wine and brandy."

   "Hope you make it in time. Everyone loves that shit."

   "Yeah, it's every customer's favorite. I honestly can't find anything in the liquor stores that tastes that good. I tried. By the way… what's that wooden wine cask with… some drawing on a piece of paper taped to it, looks like clouds? It's full."

   "Oh. Skykid. That's a sky. Anyways, he found a deal on really cheap apples. He used your wine press. He makes really good wine too, so, he made up a barrel of what he said was cheap apple wine. Another week or two it should be done cooking. Him and Rob were gonna try running some through the still, see how it came out. Rob's from the south, ain't like he was never around a still before. Yours is just bigger is all. Sky wants to cut it back with some of the apple wine. Me? I like to mix the run half and half with apple juice, to make quick apple schnapps. I like 40 to 50 proof, more than 80 to 100 proof."

   "Well… tell me what you think of this. I've been letting the boys drink some, to see if they liked it. See what you think."

   George handed him one of the beer bottles with a cork he had been giving taste tests out of all night. Panic took a sip, then a couple more. Let Merry try some.

   "What do you two think?"

   "The hell is that? It's sweet, it's sour. Never had anything like it. Is that wine or beer?"

   "You like it though…"

   "Yeah."

   "Merry?"

   "I like it better than beer. Yeah."

   George smiled.

   "You know how you make a big run before you run the still for days, to get the raw liquor?"

   "Yeah."

   "That's called brewer's beer. That's what this is."

   "Never heard of anyone bottling it."

   "They don't, they make the liquor out of it. I always bottle some, to taste test against the new batch. You want it to sit after it's done, but not too long, and it varies how long by temperature. I match the taste test to keep every batch identical."

   "Hell. I'd drink that…"

   "That's what I'm thinking. The boys all liked it, too. Thing is? This stuff is potent for beer. It's always fifteen sixteen percent every time I run it, with bread yeast. A six pack goes a lot further than regular beer when it's like this. Plus? The sweet and sour thing is a real novelty."

   "So? Make some when you get back."

   "You know those empty 250 gallon water tanks in the barn?"

   "Yeah…"

   "Imagine 200 gallons of this. Bottled into plastic liter bottles. Each tank."

   "How long's it gotta cook?"

   "Days, not weeks. It's nothing but water, the grain bill, whole lot of sugar and a bag of yeast you start and pitch. All I'd have to do? Is wait till it's done, run it through a filter to make it look better, right into bottles and done. I could sell it by the case to these boys coming out, for the price of beer at the distributor, and still make a killing. For the price of a case of beer? It's more than three times as potent."

   Panic thought out loud…

   "200 gallons of beer. 4 liters a gallon, roughly. That's 800 liter bottles of 15 percent sweet and sour beer."

   "We can keg some. We can fill gallon jugs and 2 liter bottles up. We can try to hop a couple gallons, see how it goes. There's four 250 gallon water tanks. As long as we save the liter plastic bottles and the twist off lids? That's a one time expense. We can run some through the still. Possibilities are endless."

   "Hell. Give the boys a case of it tomorrow night, see how it goes."

   "That's my plan. If all these cops and military boys are at all patriotic? There's an American history tie in, to this recipe."

   "What's that?"

   "My grain bill? Comes from a real old book on George Washington. Out of print now for forever and a day. It had his original grain bill. I assume you know old George made whiskey. All the old farmers used to back in the day. This? Is his original brewer's beer recipe. To make his liquor out of. So technically, it's George Washington's beer recipe."

   Panic grabbed the bottle and sipped some more.

   "George? You missed your calling. You should of went into advertising, you know that?"

   "Was thinking about letting the boys name it. At the party tomorrow night. You know, it'll be their beer, if they name it? Plus, they'll never taste anything like it, anywhere, at any price. No one that doesn't taste test to run a still would even know. Tell Rob not to spill the beans."

   "Oh. We can do that right now. It's George Washington's beer recipe. Your name is George, too. So… it's George's something. I like the sweet and sour, and it describes it well. Okay, I got it. How's this? This is the RLB long range. Instead of reload bench, how about reload beer? George's Sweet and Sour Reload Beer. RLB logo. See, we reload rifle cartridges, you reload the beer bottles."

   "I like it. And, it's their beer, kinda named after them."

   "Is it expensive to make?"

   "That's the thing. It's not. I ain't got a couple hundred bucks in everything. Plastic bottles or gallon jugs aside, it don't cost dick. Not against the 200 gallons of 15 to 16 percent beer it makes."

   "What do you charge for it?"

   Well? Compare it to a case of beer. 24 cans of 12 ounces each, is 288 ounces of beer. Usually less than 5 percent. 128 ounces per gallon, means there's 2 and a quarter gallons of beer, per case. Regular beer, is about 20 a case, for the cheap stuff. I'm thinking… over three times as potent, but, half the price. Plus the unique taste. Say… 5 bucks a gallon."

   "You'd make money at that rate?"

   "Oh yeah. I'd have about a buck a gallon into the grain bill and sugar. Leaves four bucks a gallon profit, give or take. If I show you how to mix it up, and when to open the valve and let it run thru a filter, as you fill up the gallon jugs… you get two bucks a gallon profit, I get two bucks a gallon profit. That way, every run of 200 gallons per tank? Would get us both 400 dollars profit each, plus pay for the grain bill."

   "My boys? Would have their own signature beer, just for them. They'd be supporting the long range by drinking it. I'm sure they'll wanna take some home with them every visit, they can't get it anywhere else, and it's unique to show it off to your buddies. God forbid you get some of the bait shop customers that are cheap to buy some."

   "Hell. They like it tomorrow night? I'll break out the tap and keg I have built into an old refrigerator. They can buy it by the keg and have it on tap in the clubhouse. You boys have free electric ran everywhere."

   Merry rolled her eyes and laid her head on Panic's shoulder.

   "The long range. You want a gun shop. Now, you're gonna be a beer factory."

   George laughed.

   "It's really not a lot of work. You mix everything up, you pitch the yeast. You let it cook for days, and when the bubbles stop? You taste test it until it's good. Then you just open the valve and fill up the jugs with a funnel and a cheesecloth in the funnel. You throw a handful of metabisulfite tablets down in right before you bottle it, to kill the yeast so it doesn't burst the jugs you bottle in. Pressure wash out the tank, and release the valve. You're ready to go again. We bypassed all the hard work of making good beer. No storing, aging, cold filtering, the hopping, none of that. Mix it up, several days cooking, and bang, you're done. It ages up to drink in a week."

   "It sounds just like me making my home made wine, just with a weird recipe. If you wanna try it, sure."

   "I do. Plus? It helps me out."

   "How?"

   "One. You guys have your own supply. Two… you'll already know how to make my run. Once I show you how to release the valve into the still? You can make the raw liquor in the winter, and fill up the wooden casks. I'll make it into the other stuff, as long as I have the raw liquor to work with. You'll get something out of that, too. I figure it'll be less work for me, the boy's will have their own supply, and it'll give you something until you get your gun shop open. Plus, remember… you get half the take from the daily range fees, too."

   "George? We'll try it. No problem. But… you, better than anyone else except maybe these agents prancing around… well… you know what needs to be finished first ahead of anything else that gets done. I mean, anything we can try while we're waiting for that to be a go? Sure. When that job number one is completed, though? I'm yours, so to speak."

   George smiled thin.

   "That, Panic? That goes without saying. Panic… you and Speedy… you guys… I don't have words for… how you guys…"

   "I know George. I'm gonna get this guy, these people… or die trying. Speedy won't quit once he starts either."

   "Hell, Panic… even without that, just all this… I mean, I feel safe again. You know how long it's been since I actually felt safe? I can be outta town and not worry about the wife and kids being here? It's been a long time. I mean, just feeling safe again, is almost like a touchdown. And… actually getting them? Is just kicking the extra point. The wife and the oldest boy? They joke and call it the secret service protection."

   "Your wife know everything that went on, or, is going on… or what…"

   George sighed. Shook his head.

   "She knows something either went on, or is going on. Me… having a gun range put in? Isn't that weird a thing for a guy like me to do with the property, but… the way they get escorted around? She knows something, just doesn't know what it is. I don't know how to tell her everything, so, I kinda him and haw around. She said she trusts me, and doesn't tear into me about it."

   "I don't wanna pry, George, but… how did you explain the FBI and DC for weeks…"

   "She trusts me. Simple as that. She said once, and smiled, that when it was time for her to know, she knew I'd tell her. How much she suspects, or how much she connects it or wonders about Bobby's murder? I honestly can't say. Honestly, some days, I sit and think about it… I really can't believe I have that kind of trust out of the wife. It inspires a kind of… mild awe."

   "Well… everything I know about you, George? You always put family first. In every way possible. Your vacations? Are family vacations. Your weekends? Are family weekends. Your hobbies? Are family hobbies. When you look at it like that, for all those years… how could they ever think you wouldn't make every decision putting them first. So… it kinda makes perfect sense to me."

   "Okay, you're going on the system, that I built enough good-boy points up, to automatically get the benefit of the doubt."

   Panic smiled.

   "Well, they ought to be able to be turned in for something. George? The system used to reward good-boy-ism. The system used to reward good values. I don't know who thought it was going to be a great idea to try it, but… the system is starting to favor assholes now. And by starting to, I probably mean… has been favoring them for quite some time now, and I just didn't get the memo."

   George giggled. Both Merry and Panic wanted to know what it was…

   "When I was a little kid, you'd still see the story how someone finds a suitcase full of money, or, a footlocker of solid gold, and… turned it in. Now… I ain't saying I wouldn't keep the money or the gold, mind you. I'm just saying… there were still people out there, a few of them, with that level of honesty drilled into them from childhood."

   Panic's turn…

   "I'm pretty sure all little kids go through a stealing phase. I remember I was a toddler, and my mom freaked out at the grocery store, she turned around I was eating a candy bar. I remember getting a finger shook at me, and my mom's trying to pay the cashier. Lady at the cash register is laughing, and gave us another candy bar. That's where we start out as kids. We don't grasp the concept of money. Candy bar? We grasp that concept. But offer a little kid a hundred dollar bill, and a candy bar. See which one they want."

   George smiled.

   "Oh, that's better then honesty, Panic… you're describing innocence. Life robs us of that. Quick. Little kids? Even after they learn that the hundred dollar bill can be traded for a suitcase of candy bars? They're still innocent. They don't understand a rich house from a poor one. Is a mansion better than a shack? To a little kid, depends. The mansion, it has more furniture to jump up and down on, it has more rooms to play hide and seek in. But… if people are yelling at you the whole time, not to break anything? They'll hate playing in the mansion. Now the old abandoned shack is way more fun of a place to play."

   "As a little kid, George? Adults value and respect expensive clothes and jewelry. Adults realize a man and a woman are obviously rich, by the silk tailored business suit, and the dress and jewelry on the wife. Little kids? Man, I hated nice clothes. You get yelled at wearing them, you can't enjoy playing. At the holidays? My mom would dress me up in the nice outfit for grandma's house. I hated it, the other kids were all playing, and I couldn't play."

   George beamed.

   "Yeah. Little kids. Man, give little kids old play clothes… some house with old beat up furniture no one cares about? Boy are they happy. Little kids think you're mean if you yell at them for jumping on the couch, knocking nick knacks over, or getting their clothes dirty."

   Merry smiled.

   "Can I ruin this happy glowing moment, with an exercise?"

   George nodded, so did Panic.

   "When did you first steal? This… will be more interesting."

   George about choked on his drink. Nervous laughter. Panic giggled.

   "Wow. Merry, you're the person that takes the beach ball away from the crowd so they can start the concert."

   Merry said she'd go first to break the ice.

   "The baseball glove story. Must have been first grade? One of the boys was bragging real bad about his baseball glove. I mean, this was a nice, expensive one. A real baseball glove, a nice one? Wow, that was a prize possession to us as little kids. I remember it wasn't that he had it, it was how mean he was about showing it off, and making fun of all the other ones, you know? We all talked shit about him and his new glove behind his back. I remember, I saw it on his porch. Scoped the back yard out like a guy casing a bank in a movie. Car was gone. Man… I went and grabbed it. Hid it. Fuck him and his baseball glove, you know?"

   George and Panic looked at each other and laughed.

   "When I was alone? I would go, put the glove on. Smell the oil. Wow. Realized? It was useless. Couldn't ever play with it. Can't play baseball by yourself. Every kid can identify every other kid's glove, not just their own. I stuck it under a piece of wood and left it there."

   George asked if it was still there.

   "No. We were catholic. At bible class? You get all kinds of stories so they know you grasp the concepts. I felt guilty, but, not guilty enough to turn myself in. Kid's parents are calling around. Parents are bitching. Right off my own porch! What kind of a world do we live in! His mom? Called every other kid's mom, they had to go sneak and look for it… it's funny now."

   George and Panic were looking. Where was the ending?

   "Now I wanna give it back, but, I'm scared. I went to my parents. Mom? Ran around like a dodo bird, that's what she was good at. My dad took it in stride. I thought I was grounded for life, but, it was one of those teaching moments, I guess. My dad had me tell the whole story. My parents weren't happy, but, turns out I wasn't a real thief. My dad explained that this was because the kid was a dick, not because I was a greedy bitch that wanted to steal something, then my mom understood his point."

   "Actually, I remember my dad saying the kid was a dick, because the dad was a prick. Apparently, pricks have dicks for kids, and little dicks grow up to be big pricks. My dad said the prick dad was always bragging about his job and his new car every year… mom admitted the wife was a bitch, rubbing her new furniture in all the time."

   "So… it was decided. I couldn't do this again, but, we had to get the glove back. Without the dick, prick or bitch knowing which kid did it. I wanted to mail him a treasure map, where it was hidden? My parents laughed and said no, sneak out and lay it where you play baseball. Everyone will just find it mysteriously."

   "So that's what you did?"

   "Yeah."

   "End of story?"

   "No. Boys came and got me to play baseball. They had already found the glove, everyone's standing around the glove. Kid ain't there. One kid wanted to set it on fire, one kid wanted to throw it up on the roof. The boys decided they would leave it there for him to find it, but… we should pee on it."

   George and Panic were not prepared for this twist and belly laughed.

   "Who peed on it?"

   "Oh. The boys decided? Everyone had to pee on it, so, no one could tell on the others. So… all the boys stood in a circle, and peed on the glove at once."

   "You didn't pee on the glove?"

   "Hell yeah, but, I'm a girl. I wanted them to leave, so I could pee on it. They said they wouldn't know I peed on it, so, it wouldn't count. I was a girl, I might tell. So… I flipped it over with a stick, made them turn around, and that way they could see I soaked the dry side of the dick glove."

   George and Panic both couldn't stop laughing. Merry sipped her wine and went on, now that it had become entertaining.

   "This must have started the… pee wars or something. Up until now? The boys were just writing their name in the snow. Seeing who could pee the farthest or make the biggest puddle. Now? If you were a dick, someone might steal your baseball cap, and pee in it. Another game? Everyone gets your attention, and someone sneaks up and pees on you and runs away laughing."

   George and Panic were near stitches now, how did Merry do in the distance peeing event in the pee pee Olympics…

   "I lost any distance event. I was… competitive in the puddle size event."

   George doubled over in another peal of laughter, and Panic spit gourmet wine several feet.

   "You think that's funny? That's only amusing. Funny, is when boys were over getting snacks in my back yard. Dad made a pack of hot dogs on the grill, and mom made little kid powdered fruit punch. We're all chugging fruit punch, like frat boys at a keg party. I guess mom and dad thought the kids were playing who could drink the most game. Later on, we all ran off… came back."

   "Mom asked where we all went. One kid said to pee. Mom spit fruit punch over dad. Another boy stood up and bragged he peed the farthest. Another boy said he made the biggest puddle. My dad must have been making a joke to my mom, and asked how I did in the pee games. I was kind of moping about it, I came in second for puddle size. I remember my mom smacking my dad on the back, he choked on his hot dog."

   When they recovered themselves, both wanted to know if she got into trouble.

   "After my dad spit the chunk of hot dog out and it skidded across the picnic table, my mom yells out… are you little bastards watching my daughter pee?!?! One little boy just looks at her, like mom's a simpleton. He says… No. We line up, and she stands behind us. It's all right."

   After the laughter died down, George said he didn't remember the kids peeing on each other growing up. Panic said the pee wars were definitely a thing when a pack of little kids are running around all summer. Panic's pee pee Olympics had no puddle event, but, he remembered distance events. and… a very brief height event. Writing your name in the snow was a winter pee pee Olympic event he claimed, and you got points for finishing more letters, for letter size… and for cursive neatness. Kind of the figure skating of winter pee pee Olympics.

   George wanted to take a drink, so he asked first if the pee stories were over, so he didn't choke to death laughing while drinking.

   "Oh. There was the one time, the police got involved in the pee wars."

   Panic palmed his face and groaned. George took a sip and chuckled.

   "So. This was all… sort of all right. Or, as all right as it was ever gonna be, I guess. We're all first graders or around that, and… there was one older boy. I mean, like, fourth grade? And as we all know… in first grade, a fourth grader is, like, practically an adult. So, this older kid started getting behind me and peeing on me. He wouldn't quit. When throwing rocks at him didn't get it, I told my mom and dad."

   Panic and George waited patiently with eager faces.

   "My parents tried calling his parents. The dad? Laughed at my mom and dad and hung up on them. Well? Mom and dad called the cops after they got nowhere with the dad. Well. 911 said little kids peeing on each other was not a police emergency. Mom screamed at the 911 lady that it was an older boy, peeing on a younger girl. After several 911 calls? The 911 lady threatened to have my mom get arrested or get a fine or whatever."

   "Uh, the kid always claimed his dad told him it was okay to pee on me? Because I was a girl, and I shouldn't be playing baseball with the boys anyways, I should be at home playing with dolls. So, it was fine."

   My dad decided, that if it was not a police emergency when kids pee on each other, even older and younger, boy and girl mixed? Fine, two could play at that game. My dad told me to pee in a Styrofoam cup, and put a plastic lid on it. He drove me over because the dad, who was an asshole my dad said… the asshole and his little asshole were on the front porch together. My dad said march right up there? And ask the dad if he really told his older boy to pee on me. When the asshole dad says yeah, what are you gonna do about it? Take the lid off, and throw my pee right in his kid's face, and run back and get in the car, I'm not in any trouble."

   "You didn't."

   "Fuck too. Right in the face. Ran down the car before they could get up and moving, and my dad gave them the finger and we went home."

   Merry had to pause for a now predictable laughing fit.

   "Well. All of a sudden? The asshole dad now calls the police."

   George and Panic laughed, because now the 911 lady can tell him to go fuck himself, it's not a police emergency when little kids pee on one another.

   "Actually? The police were at my house very quickly. Apparently, when a fourth grade boy pees on a first grade girl? Not a police emergency. When a first grade girl pees on the fourth grade boy's face? It's a fucking police emergency."

   Merry waited on the laughter fit.

   "So. My mom and dad took turns screaming at the cop screaming at them. They stuck to their guns, that the 911 lady threatened to arrest my mom for calling about the older boy peeing on me, so, it was definitely okay to pee on them back. My dad suggested arresting the asshole dad who told his older son to pee on little girls. And? To threaten to arrest him for calling 911 for a non police emergency."

   Both now wanted to know… did anyone get arrested?

   "No. The cop finally understood the root of the problem, and had my dad and me follow his squad car over to the asshole's house. We're all up on the front porch. The arguing won't quit, the cop screamed at all of us, to shut up, he would talk and we would listen. Basically? This whole thing better end pronto. Today. Right now. Cop pointed at me, said I was a little kid, I was not to do this anymore. My dad? Got told he was an adult, he should know better, but… he could see where he was coming from. Told asshole dad, he better quit telling his son to pee on little girls, he wasn't kidding. Cop said if he had to come back out on any more calls on this? He was calling the juvenile authorities on the older son, and the asshole dad could learn new words like sexual assault."

   George was now chuckling, and Panic was shaking his head and asked the semi obvious.

   "Okay, so that was the end of it."

   "Well. Every good story has an epilogue. Now, there was just the matter of… well… this was first, maybe second grade, something like that. Anyways, I go back to report my story to my friends. We're all laughing our little asses off. I mean, that older boy? Picked on all us little kids. And I just threw a glass of pee in his face, got some in his mouth and eyes. We're laughing so hard we can't stand up."

   George interjected…

   "A little bit ago? I knew the feeling. Continue though…"

   "So… now we're laying around in the grass. We're all trying to figure out what sexual assault even was. I mean, if he peed on me again? That was what he was threatened with. What was that? We're little kids. We know there's something and it's called sex, but we don't know what it is. We've all been told we come out of our mommy's belly, and seen pregnant women before, but… it's all kind of… really vague."

   Panic and George were chortling and shoving each other's shoulders now…

   "It has something to do with something…"

   "But… it's something really vague. Whatever it is…"

   "Right. That's about how… concrete this talk about this was. We don't know what sex is, but, we know it exists. We know it has something to do with the baby getting in the mom's belly, but again… what where when how is… very… well, it was very vague. The who part is all we got figured out. A man and a woman love each other very much… something… baby in belly. Kissing and hugging a lot are… somehow related, too."

   "Where is this one going…"

   "I don't know. Her track record tonight is pretty good. Let this one go, George…"

   "Oh yeah… go on…"

   "Anyways, the one kid announces. He almost forgot. He saw a… his uncle has medical books. About… sex. He called them doctor books. They're in the garage. Under a toolbox. He's not allowed to look at them, but, naturally he has sneaked and peeked. Now, follow the logic. Doctor books, and he was told they're doctor books about sex. He's seen them. Hey! He has some idea, right? He says, get this one… sex is when a man pees on a woman."

   The belly laughs came back with a vengeance.

   "Panic? Doctor books… in the garage. Under a toolbox…"

   "Wait a minute here… what kind of… um, doctor magazines are these textbooks, anyways. Peeing magazines? Fuck's sake…"

   "So… we put it all together. The older boy peed on me, that was a sex police charge if he did it again. The… doctor books in the garage? Boy's claiming sex is when a man pees on a woman. We didn't believe him. We tortured him for about an hour, to go steal a book, he didn't dare, his uncle would freak. We get him to rip out a few pages. We hide in the woods, he sneaks up, rips a few pages out. Hides them in his baseball cap, comes sneaking back out. We go off to see this bullshit."

   "Christ. I want a beer, but… I can't drink until she's done. I keep spitting it out…"

   "I want another glass of wine, but… I'm waiting too, this is too good. Go on, honey…"

   "Well, there we are. He got, I don't know. He started in the middle of the… doctor book. Pulled the staples up, got about 11 or 12 pages up, and pushed the staples down again, put it all back. Which gives us, what. 24 pages front and back, of a… medical sex doctor book? Magazine, so… every 'page' is really two pages, lifting up pages from the centerfold, down in. I guess that's 48 pages total, if you count the page numbers."

   "Was it a gentleman's medical book? Or… one of the lower class ones…"

   "George. Everyone knows the lower class ones, are the good ones. They show it…"

   "No, it was no gentleman's one, it was one of the raunchy ones. Trust me. So, here we are, passing the pages around, looking. Finally, he pipes up, here it is! Look! See? He's peeing on her, I told you!"

   "Oh, god…"

   "Honey…"

   "What? We're kids. There were two guys, a girl kneeling… and she definitely looked like they just peed on her. One guy still had… you know… pee… flying through the air. The camera caught that in a blur…"

   George and Panic had peals of laughter now.

   "Pee…"

   "Flying through the air…"

   "Oh, Christ… remember, Panic… this is all in a doctor's sex book…"

   "George… this guy wants to be a doctor… he goes out, late at night in the garage… to study…"

   "Oh yeah. We questioned it's… scientific validity, as a true medical textbook, but… there it was. Proof. Bunch of girls dressed up as nurses. Guy with the stethoscope… and he was, wait for it… the sex doctor."

   The laughter eventually died down a little…

   "There were other issues. Remember, this was no gentleman's artsy medical book, this was a raunchy one. The boys found… you know… a giant close up."

   Both looked at her.

   "A giant twat. It was the whole picture. Scared the shit out of the boys when they figured out by comparing pictures exactly what part of a girl it was."

   "Merry. The boys didn't ask you, being a girl and all? Kinda makes you a twat expert, you know."

   "The hell it does! I didn't have one of those. Well, not like that one, anyways. Christ guys, this close up? Thing looked like a pissed off alien gonna go eat someone. The boys were scared of it. Hell, I'm a girl, and I was scared of that thing."

   George asked if this story ended with Merry playing doctor…

   "No. But, what it led to? An older boy had been peeing on me… peeing on a woman was definitely sex… we had medical proof of that… the boys were now concerned that I was going to get pregnant."

   More laughter… then…

   "Well, it's funny now, it wasn't funny then, it was scary. The only thing in my favor, though… was going by the… medical illustrations? All the peeing seemed to be the guys aiming for the girls face. He hit my leg or my shoe, he never peed on my face, I figured I might be safe."

   Laughter…

   "One boy wanted to know if maybe I got him pregnant, because I threw my pee in his face…"

   Panic was convulsing, George was laughing so hard he was practically silent and trying to catch his breath…

   "Oh my god…"

   "Panic… my stomach hurts… make her stop… oh, god… Christ almighty… I guess it goes without saying, you play doctor now, huh?"

   In between giggles, Panic looked at Merry. She gave him a look.

   "Oh, go ahead, hun. Everyone has seen the glasses…"

   "We… we don't play doctor. I mean, we play doctor, in that sense, but… "

   Merry saved him his explanation, by getting her reading glasses out of her leather drawstring pouch and putting them on for them. She simply said…

   "Science girl. He likes science girl. I write articles on male female human relations, and… he likes the glasses."

   George smiled.

   "That's cute. I've seen him in the big computer room at the Hoover building, he's at home there. Okay, you were… scarred… by the medical book, and, you two play… scientist. I get it. Like I said, it's cute."

   Panic chuckled.

   "I don't know, more like… research. And research assistant, I don't know. I'm pretty sure, she's the researcher, and I'm the fucking lab rat."

   Merry shrugged…

   "I don't know. Guys always seem to like the glasses."

   Panic chuckled.

   "I know I do. How about you, George… how old were you when you saw… medical books…"

   "Oh, that. Panic, I spent summers here. Where you're sitting. I must have been 16 before I saw my first medical magazine. And… it was a gentleman's magazine. The girls were… very… artsy. No pee flying through the air. They were eating grapes, on couches, like ancient Greeks."

   "Oh. Sheltered existence growing up."

   "Ah. This was a small working farm, Panic. Crops… barn… animals… you are aware, the animals do it. You can't help but notice something's going on. You're a toddler? They're playing… wait for it… leap frog."

   It was Panic and now Merry's turn to giggle. Merry commented that Skykid would like that one.

   "Yeah. Another year or two, when you don't buy the leapfrog explanation. Well, you're helping give birth. Leapfrog was how the baby got in the mommy's belly. There's no mystery to it, when you're on a farm. Billy goats are a lot of things? Vague isn't one of them. A billy goat? Will hump a bale of hay, if a .

sheep or a pig isn't available."

   "Merry? That explains the phrase, horny as a goat."

   "I guess so."

   Merry pointed out that humor aside, this started with the first time stealing.

   George sighed.

   "Oh. I don't know. I guess my closest thing to stealing? Was… wanting to shoot a deer. In the summers, when I was here."

   "Oh. You sneaked out to try to whack a deer…"

   "No sneaking. I was given a gun to play with as a little kid. Grandpa had a talk with me. About… shooting a deer in summer. How it was like speeding in the car, you don't want caught. Don't tell grandma, be home for dinner. It's a guy thing, grandpa and dad only."

   "Your grandpa let you poach deer? Cool grandpa."

   "Well, Grandpa was making beer and wine and liquor for everyone, so… this was another family secret."

   "You get good at poaching the deer?"

   "Define good, Panic…"

   "Good is… you actually dragged deer home."

   "I eventually got one. I was lucky to get one every summer. Honestly, I think I was more excited to be allowed to take the cool German binoculars out, than actually shooting at deer. I'm scanning the hillsides for game wardens and vehicles… I'm on a secret mission, you know. That part was pretty cool."

   Panic smiled at George until he realized it.

   "What?"

   "George? What gun were you given for this. Curious."

   "I still have it. A black powder, civil war replica."

   "Smooth-bore."

   "Yeah… so?"

   "George. You weren't so much sent out to poach deer… as… I mean, I think you were sent out to stay out of grandpa's hair a lot of days. Kid on the farm, he's running liquor and all."

   "How do you think that?"

   "Black powder, smooth-bore? George… you were making noise, which scared the deer. You were putting them under constant pressure, which made them not like coming on the farm. Plus you had something to do to keep you out of trouble, which would have been getting into the wine and beer."

   "And the tobacco. Grandpa didn't want me messing with his tobacco. Looking back on it, he just didn't want me going home to mom and dad, smoking cigarettes, I guess."

   "He grew tobacco, too?"

   "Yeah. Why not. It's a fucking plant, ain't it. It's a farm… said he didn't make shit off it, though. He made his own cigarettes, his own chewing tobacco. Christ, grandpa made everything from scratch. Remember, this is the old man that made black powder."

   Panic whistled…

   "What?"

   "George. Can you grow tobacco? Make it, I don't know… ready to roll into cigarettes?"

   "You have to cure it. Yeah."

   "George? There wouldn't have been any real money in it back then… but now? Christ."

   Merry poked him affectionately in the shoulder…

   "Honey? When I start tending bar… any chance I can get a keg for them… I'm trying to imagine them getting cheap 15 percent beer on tap, and how much per keg it might make. Plus? You know… make me look good…"

   Panic looked at George. George looked at Panic. One, then the other shrugged…

   "Honey? I'm not sure wholesaling illegal booze is the right way to go about things, I mean, this is like selling weed. You wanna just be helping a few friends out, not broadcasting in public…"

   "Panic. It's a biker bar. They? Will wanna drink it even if they don't like the taste, just because they're breaking the law, and it's cheaper. It's not like a lot of the general public goes in there. Think about it."

   Panic looked at George again. Who wagged his head.

   "Sure. We'll just have to make more if they like it. All right, Panic. Your turn. Your first real theft… me and Merry already spilled it."

   "All right. Everyone remember J-Mart? I don't think there's any more in business now. Another store bought the rest of the stores out."

   "Yeah."

   "Uh huh."

   "Okay. I didn't get into buying music, until I was in eighth grade. My parents would be shopping, and I just wander around, amusing myself. Now, the stereo and music section. Every stereo? Had a cassette tape in it, to, you know… demonstrate the stereo if you wanted to hear it, see if you wanted to buy it."

   "Well. One stereo… it had this cassette tape in it. It was a collection of songs, and I wanted this one song. I couldn't buy it, they didn't sell it. Drove me nuts. Finally, one day? I had a winter coat on. I kind of ambled around… thinking I was being coy… took the cassette out, and stuck it in my pocket."

   "That's it?"

   "This is a shitty story, honey. Just saying…"

   "Yeah. I don't get a couple aisles away… some guy steps out in front of me, and I turn around and some woman is behind me. They grab me, take me up in the office. Christ, I been nabbed for shoplifting. They call my parents over the loudspeaker to report to… wherever… I'm fucked."

   Both started laughing.

   "I didn't get charged with shoplifting. I'm scared shitless, more of my parents than anything they can do to me anyways. Turns out, they're confused, as it wasn't for sale anyways. They made me pay for the used cassette I stole. Like, two bucks and change, which I had on me, but… fuck me, now I got to buy the goddamned cassette anyways, which was all I wanted in the first damn place. Every week, I would ask the clerk why can't I buy this one demo cassette, you know?"

   "Still a wimpy story, honey. I expected more out of you."

   "Oh. Well… the guy was okay about it. The lady though? She was a bitch, I remember. I was leaving, and she turns me around and bends down in my face. With, I remember distinctly, this shit eating grin. She says, and I quote… you better not do this anymore, little boy… you're not very good at this."

   George chuckled. It was Merry's turn to facepalm.

   "Right. That's what stung. The guy handled it good. Just wanted to talk to the parents, make sure I was grounded, yada yada. But that lady? Something about the shit eating grin, like she was so superior. It really irked me."

   George started laughing, Merry was shaking her head.

   "Yeah. I was grounded for a month. I waited. Then? I waited a couple more months, buying my time. Now, when you went to the bathroom there? The bathroom, you had to follow the signs, and go back through the stockroom in the back, follow the little trail to get there. I started noticing, there's all the merchandise on pallets. Everything."

   "Oh god…"

   "Oh Christ…"

   "Yeah. For months, every time I went to the bathroom, I wandered around a little more. Anyone said anything, which was rare? I was looking for the bathroom. It's over there. Oh, why thank you, sir. I found the pallets of cassettes coming in. In boxes. Were not yet in the security things that would set the beepers off. I grabbed one here, one there… didn't want anyone to notice. I started getting a real collection going. This went on over time…"

   Both were chuckling now…

   "I was always tall for my age. One day? I noticed. They had these red vests hanging on pegs. I just grabbed one, and put it on. Now? I could walk around, all through the back of the store. No one said anything to me, no one gave me a second glance. I was just some part time teenager. On the rare occasion anyone did ask me anything? I was on break. It always worked. I looked at anything I wanted. Only thing I cared about, though, was the cassettes."

   "Where is this going."

   "Yeah…"

   "Well. I found a back door I could go out of. It was right by the dumpster. I realized I could get more than I could slip into my pockets, by putting it in the dumpster. Now, you have to realize… I would make my parents stop and let me get books if there was a box of books in the garbage and it looked clean. Free books. It was a normal thing, to a kid that stayed home all day reading. Well… I got every magazine, and every paperback I ever thought I wanted, and every cassette I even thought I wanted to listen to a single song… all carted out back in a big box, in the dumpster."

   More chuckling now.

   "I would tell my parents when we got back in the car. Hey… there's paperback books in the dumpster, they're throwing them out. It's a clean box. Can I get them? My dad drove over, this was normal for me. I hopped out, got this box out… my dad put it in the trunk. My parents knew I was a junk picker, so… once every month or two? I went shopping. Magazines, paperbacks, cassette tapes. Big box. Then? I got bored…"

   "You got caught?"

   "What else, honey…"

   "This goes on for, like, two years. I'm wearing the vest when I'm in the back. Once in a while, someone had me help them carry something, I'm hoping my parents don't see. Then? Hey, I'm on my break anyways. So, there was this desk. File cabinet. Never once anyone there, it was real safe. I used to borrow things out of the desk and file cabinet, read it, return it next time. Like a fucking library."

   Both were curious where this went…

   "I finally got instructions on departments. You see, music was the music and stereo department. The stickers had to have that code above the price. Clothing? It's own department. Everything, had it's own department, and the code had to match the item. But… clearance items? Clearance was it's own department. Store wide. There were constant notes and memos, everyone was forgetting to put the clearance store wide code, on clearance items. Would all employees please remember to do that?"

   "Where is this going…"

   "This is getting good…"

   "I located a small roll of the price stickers. The sticker guns? Wouldn't do the last of the roll very good. But… plenty left on there. They're laying everywhere. I finally located a roll of clearance stickers. Already printed. With, like, a dollar eighty eight price already on them. I knew they worked on anything in the store, because clearance was it's own department code. I had legit price tags, that I could put on anything and get it on clearance. Within reason."

   "What did you get?"

   "Same shit. Magazines were suddenly on clearance. Any new paperback I wanted. A fishing reel? Basically anything that the original price was within reason, I could discount it down to a dollar eighty eight. Pay at the register."

   George chuckled and shook his head…

   "All because of that lady, huh?"

   "Yeah. Somehow? She made it personal, and I can't explain it. I didn't do anything else like this. Only there, at J-Mart."

   Merry wanted to know if he ever got caught…

   "No. I got my ass puckered once though. I'm walking up with a paperback. It's, like, a 6 or 7 dollar purchase, marked on clearance down to a dollar eighty eight. I'm in line at the register? Tapped on the shoulder. It's the lady. The same lady. She's smiling at me. You remember me? I'm speechless. She's got that shit eating grin, acting all superior. See? You learned your lesson. You're paying for stuff. Keep being honest, I just came back to work at this store again."

   Both were laughing…

   "Yeah, I was tight. I honest to god, thought she knew, and was fucking with me, but… she just remembered my face, and wanted to act all smug and superior… one last time. Meanwhile? Fuck me… I got a roll of clearance stickers in my pocket, two or three cassettes from out the back ain't in the plastic security cage yet, I'm counting quarters to buy my clearance paperback that just came out… she just figured I was nervous because it was her…"

   Laughter went down to chuckling…

   "So… there I am… I'm walking out to the car. Walked around to the dumpster, you know, monthly shopping night. Carried my box of books and cassettes and magazines over. Put the box in the backseat, went back in to find my parents. My dad actually asks me, hey, its the first Tuesday of the month, you gonna check your dumpster for book boxes? I'm like, no dad, I already got them…"

   Chuckling from both of them…

   "That was the big payoff. I had my own shit eating grin on. I'm stupid, eh? I ain't good at this, huh? Who's your daddy now. Bitch had me, dead to rights? Didn't even know. All she could think of? Hey, there's that kid I scared a couple years ago, I'm gonna have fun, lording it over him. Now… if she was half as smart as she thought she was? She'd have been following me around, and could have really busted the whole operation open. But no. She's obviously a halfwit."

   George was laughing, Merry wanted to know…

   "Doesn't the store know there's stuff missing?"

   "Well, that's the thing. Remember that desk and file cabinet? I'm using it like a library, reading paperwork?"

   "Sure."

   "Yeah."

   "The store knows it has stuff, when it gets a sticker put on it. I knew their system. They, are watching twenty cassettes they put into security cages and put stickers on and put out on the shelves. I get it before they do that? It's not even in the system. I learned their system over time."

   "How long did you do this?"

   "Yeah…"

   "I toned it down to just stickers on clearance after that lady was back at the store. She knew me. Plus, I had enough clearance stickers by that time, with different prices on them, I was good for life. I ain't good enough at this, huh? I'm doing it right in front of her, she don't know. I mean, I had rolls of stickers, with different price levels on them. My buddy wants a 89 dollar car stereo kit? 9.99, on sale, on clearance."

   "You didn't get greedy and get caught."

   "Hmm. Honey? You got comfortable walking around in the back, people grabbing you off of break to carry something. That feeling of comfortable, over time, is what allowed all this to happen."

   "Yeah. I know. Everyone else grew up playing checkers. I grew up playing chess. I took my time. I planned. I read their operations manuals. I knew their shipping schedules. I went shopping once a month, based on when cassettes came in on pallets. I studied their system. I knew I was slipping through the cracks. Hey… you got undercover people watching shoplifters? I got them before they even knew they'd been hit."

   George just looked at him…

   "What?"

   "You never turned to a life of crime? I'm surprised you didn't want a job in retail…"

   "Well, that'd been stupid. If anything, they'd be watching their employees. I wasn't shoplifting, and I wasn't an employee. I was just… there. Like a fly on the wall, at just the right time. It was perfect over the long game. Chess. And remember… they're watching for jewelry. Video games. Expensive stuff… no one is expecting magazines and paperback books are being put on clearance accidentally."

   George shook his head…

   "Where did you get your morality streak, then?"

   Merry smiled and answered this one.

   "This wasn't about stealing. This was… that lady. She challenged him. He said, he took it personal, right?"

   "Yeah. I never did anything even remotely like this, after I left for the service and came back. I remember though, I downloaded every song I ever wanted on the internet, in the heyday of music downloading. Then, while they're trying to put the skids to that? I'm burning all my own movies. Then, they start going after that? I'm downloading software. Downloading the cracks for the trial software downloads."

   George laughed…

   "What? No more digital crime waves outta you now?"

   "Christ. Anything I want now? I can get it for a free download. I just have to find it. Stuff I want now, I'm old enough… no one cares anymore, it's called abandon-ware."

   "My Grandpa would have thought this was hysterically funny. I'm pretty sure, the old man would have liked you. Old bastard probably would have given you ideas, too."

   Merry smiled.

   "George already suggested a life of crime. You can't tell me, you never once gave it a second thought. Getting away with all this as a kid…"

   "Honestly? All right… before I went to the service. I was running a lot. I was going climbing and camping. I was already wise to… we'll call it… system flaws. Yeah. In the back of my mind? I kinda thought… no."

   George and Merry egged him on…

   "All right. I kinda thought… I was gonna just go to college. Become a computer programmer. Be in some city. And? I was just gonna watch. Sooner or later? I would find my thing. I thought… I would eventually find my big score. You know, the cat burglar? Guy goes up in the ventilation system, waits until middle of the night, and just happens to know where to go. Not for a job, just… that one big score."

   Merry smiled.

   "Childhood fantasy. Too many books and movies. They sometimes glorify the mastermind criminal…"

   "Yeah, but… I ran long distance. I swam long distance. I lifted weights. I was a fighter. I already knew I was smart and patient. I have a hobby picking locks and stuff, that was no accident. I liked going climbing. I'm sure both of you? Would shit if you knew how many cars and buildings I can figure out how to get into without a crowbar. Electronics? I once bought my own security system, just to have fun learning how to bypass it, like on the movies. Just for kicks."

   George took a sip and asked…

   "What changed your path?"

   Panic got quiet, and waited.

   "In the service. I ended up… playing for the good guys team. Seeing for myself, first hand, what the really bad guys team is capable of doing to innocent people. The… fantasy… of scoring a couple million untraceable and disappearing? It just dissipated, like fog when sunlight hits it. I didn't really need or even want all the money. I just… money and success became no longer important to me, basically."

   George was still having fun.

   "Well, before your conversion… what were you going to do with your big score if you got away with it?"

   "What else? Not have to work. Just be rich. Sit around with beautiful women, like the big guy on TV. Travel. Have fun. I guess, part of the fantasy is that you come home, and everyone's jaw drops open at what you've become."

   "Hell, Panic. I can't see where that fantasy would ever go away. Sounds like fun."

   "Yeah. First thing to go? The beautiful women always around the big guy. I lost my taste for just being with a woman, to show her off. Like I bought a car, look, see the woman I can buy? No. Then… being important, or, being powerful somehow… I lost my taste for that. Being rich, or… being strong? I don't really get anything out of… exercising that power."

   "Well, what do you get off on, then?"

   "Huh. I took stock of that, probably… ten years ago. I'm happiest? When I'm learning… tinkering… experimenting… huffing solder fumes, ticking away on a computer keyboard. Learning how to fix things. I have no interest in having art and paintings. You give me a mansion? You'll come over and find me in the basement, the garage… working on something anyways. There's just no point to it. I'm perfectly happy. Quiet, simple life. Tinkering. Left alone."

   George nodded his head.

   "You're a puzzle solver. When you and Speedy finish this? You're gonna get your shit eating grin for a couple days. Don't know what you saw in the service, you lost your taste for money and power, but… you just want the simple, quiet life. No showing off. Find puzzles to work on."

   "Yeah."

   "Hey… Panic… what's the matter? What did I say? Come on…"

   "Nothing, George. You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't say anything wrong. I'm just… remembering how I got this way. It's fine."

   "Come on, honey. Walk me to the ladies room, okay?"

   "Sure…"

   No one but George noticed they disappeared for a little while. Merry gave them a little smoke-fest, then Panic held up a pack of cigarettes he had filched without her knowing.

   "Want one?"

   "Yeah. Didn't know you had cigarettes. Neither one of us is a big smoker…"

   "I didn't. Straight out stole someone's pack on the way out. Right in front of them. Just put my empty cup down, and palmed them."

   Merry cocked her head and regarded him. He was starting to give the little wry grin again. He wasn't locked into his moody patch, he was popping right back out of it within minutes of his own accord.

   "Pack another one up? It's a party."

   "Sure."

   After they were done, they necked for a minute just to pass time and smile at each other.

   "All this talk about pee, honey… were you trying to tell me something?"

   "Don't even start. Wait till we're in the creek…"

   "Hmm. I'm starting to get jealous, you know. Starting to sound like all the boys in town, got to pee on you. I mean, you were just the town urinal…"

   "Oh, stop it! You? Are rotten!"

   Panic grinned and they lit their after cigarettes.

   "Now… if you wanted to, I would have a… you know… puddle contest. Just watch my shoes."

   Giggling like little kids, they had a puddle contest.

   "Mines bigger, I think."

   "No, mines bigger."

   "Bullshit. Mine's wider."

   "So? Mine's longer."

   "We need a ref…"

   "No, we are not bringing your boyfriends back here to judge our puddles."

   "Okay, I got it. Gimme your phone…"

   "Here…"

   "I have to get the photo, right above, straight down on the center of both… keeping the same height…"

   "When I said I didn't want your boyfriends reffing it, that didn't mean passing the phone pics around, either."

   "Relax…"

   They went back, and Panic stopped in the bunkhouse. He got the two puddle pictures into his laptop, and loaded both pictures into the same image program. Threw a fine "grid" up over both pictures. He took color "samples" of puddle, and had the program fill in every square of the grids, with a solid color, that matched the color sample average. He then had a count of how many squares were colored in. The puddles were covered with colored squares.

   "Shit…"

   "What?"

   "You won. By three squares…"

   "Don't take it too hard, hun. This wouldn't be the first time I won a pee contest. What did I win though?"

   "Whatever you want, I guess."

   "Hmm. I'll let you know later, then."

   "Okay. Wanna stay a little more?"

   "I was more wondering about you, and the little mood you got into for a minute there."

   "Ah. I'm fine…"

   On the way back out and past? Panic did it again, right in front of Merry. He stood listening to the guys tell a hunting story, then commented that… oh, there's my cup… Merry saw how he operated. He put the palmed pack of smokes back with one hand, while he reached and grabbed his cup.

   "You gave them back?"

   "Yeah. Kept some for us though…"

   He showed her the handful he had in his other hand.

   "Hmm. You don't need them, you're just having fun showing off. For me."

   Panic nodded.

   "I'm not good enough to do magic, but, I tried to learn some. Gave it up, I don't have the knack for it. Don't say anything, I'll show you a trick, when we're back with George."

   "Okay…"

   They sat down, and Panic was himself again. They eased into the puddle contest, which had George chuckling. Panic asked George for one of his bottles of sweet and sour, so, George bent over to that side of his chair to come up with one to hand to him.

   "Cool, thanks. So… Merry. You wanna see the basics of sleight of hand?"

   "Sure."

   Panic stood up, and told Merry to stand behind him. Where she could see what he did.

   Panic showed George an open hand, wiggled his fingers. Used that hand to show he had nothing up his sleeve, by pushing the sleeve of his long sleeved T shirt up. Then, he showed his the other hand the same way, then did the opposing sleeve reveal the same way again.

   "So. There's nothing up my sleeves, literally or figuratively. Both my hands are empty, right?"

   "Sure."

   Panic moved one hand in front of the other, and George smiled as he was able to first show a pack of cigarettes, and make it seem to disappear. He made it switch hands, and disappear again. Merry stood behind him, and being almost six foot herself, had no trouble watching over his shoulder. She could see the pack being palmed and partially behind his wrist. He could wiggle his fingers and still hold the pack with his thumb and a wrinkle of his palm. When he was done, he sat down and handed Merry the pack of smokes.

   "Where did you…"

   "Oh. There's a whole carton over there…"

   And Panic was pointing over to where he was playing sleight of hand borrowing the pack of cigarettes as they went past then back. Merry laughed.

   "Yeah. But it gets worse…"

   "How?"

   "George? Can I have a smoke? And let me see your lighter, too."

   "Panic? I don't smoke, you know that. I don't carry a lighter, let alone a pack of smokes."

   "I could have sworn you started. Check your pockets."

   It wasn't cold out, but this late at night? The night air had a slight chill to it, nothing major. George had a light windbreaker on.

   "How the hell…"

   George handed over another whole pack of cigarettes, and a cheap disposable lighter as well. Panic said now they had "his and hers" packs for themselves.

   "Not bad."

   "Not really that good either. A real magician, even one starting out? Can entertain a crowd by working the mark. While he's suggesting you check this or that pocket, the crowd is entertained by watching him take other stuff. Then, he hands that back, and the show gets going. These guys take your wallet out your pocket, and the watch off your wrist, and you don't even know. I suck."

   "Still a good trick."

   "Gets better, though."

   "Really?"

   "Merry? Me and George could use a couple fingers of that apricot goodness right about now. How about it…"

   "Honey, you know that bottle's empty. I kind of fed it to Senior earlier."

   "Well, check it. Sometimes, there's a little extra, that you don't notice…"

   Merry reached around her, and brought up the empty bottle to show him… and…

   "How the hell do you, I mean, you're just sitting here…"

   "Well, cups… we'll worry about that in a minute… fun first…"

   George handed his cup over, and Panic added his to it, then off to Merry for a filling. She handed them back over, and Panic passed George his.

   Panic produced a cigarette seemingly out of thin air, but that was no great trick with his sleeves back down. Everyone chuckled.

   "I know. I should have done the wimpy trick like that one first, then built up. I have no timing, is my problem…"

   "Now… I need a match. Merry? You have any matches?"

   "No. Just the lighters."

   "Hmm. Could have sworn I left one behind in there… while I was…"

   And Panic's hand disappeared under Merry's leather mini, and she was squirming and giggling in her chair as he teased her as if looking for something, making faces to entertain George.

   "It's up in here somewhere, I'm just sure of it…"

   "Panic! You're rotten!"

   As she playfully swatted him on the shoulders, he withdrew his hand and proclaimed…

   "Ah. Knew I left it up there somewhere…"

   He flicked his thumb, and while it looked like he created fire from his fingers bunched up? It was clearly a match he lit the smoke with, and wiped it out wiggling it in the air. Everything was some little trick with him. Here, he would bend a match back and around with a finger, and flick the match on the striking stripe. One handed lighting a match, like a lighter.

   "Now Merry… if you would be so kind, as to get me some ice in my cup? When you get back, I'll tell you guys how the stuff's done. Then? I'll show you guys one, last, good party trick."

   Merry went and got him ice for his cup, and she refilled them each with a dollop from the magically refilled apricot brandy bottle.

   George was all ears.

   "Okay. I steal little things right in front of people. Anytime I feel like it. It's easier at a party or a bar. I just put something on the table, let it sit. I palm what I want. Then I leave with what I placed there a moment ago. Easy. If I want a piece of paper or a book? I just need a stack of books in my hand already. I lay it down on what I want, then pick them all up as I leave. Used that one at college a lot. It's all the same trick, you just figure out how to give it different forms of the same trick."

   "Cigarettes. Lighters. I can drink for free at a big enough bar, with enough people. I walk over, ask something, and thank them and go off. What I really did? I have the same drink, almost empty. I set it down next to theirs, a full one. I swap them by taking the other one. Works best with beer bottles."

   "No money?"

   "No. I'm not a crook, I'm just having fun. Trust me, in the cities? Guys are good at cleaning out a bar with these tricks. They get free drinks, and set someone drunk up to steal their on the bar money. Telling you, they walk in, buy one expensive drink. Mill around, small talking. Get as many free drinks as they feel like it, all the while scoping out the big mark to score on the way out. On the way out? They small talk the mark, compliment him… and buy him a free drink. Then? They palm his wad, next to their own bar money, and they're out."

   "I just palmed the packs of cigarettes here and there, no big trick."

   "Now, I can't do pickpocket work, but… I can drop small light things in open pockets. Particularly if I can bump or tap you, it covers the drop. If I don't like two guys somewhere? I put each guys lighter, into each other's jacket pocket. They argue later, each is convinced the other is stealing their shit. So? They accuse each other of smoking all their cigarettes out of the almost full packs they each have."

   "You asked me for the sweet and sour beer, and you did the drop when I was bending over… I remember you patting my arm, now you mention it…"

   "Bingo. Merry saw me steal cigarettes and put them back after we each had one. Then? She's surprised I have two more packs. That trick? Easy… the trick was done way before the trick started."

   "You stole a pack here and there, then did this show."

   "Right. When I time it all together later? It's more impressive than it really is."

   George wanted to know about the disappearing and reappearing pack of smokes.

   Panic showed him, how as he passed his hands back and forth? He was simply passing the pack back and forth.

   "I show you an an empty hand, then I show you another empty hand. My hands are now… empty. I just set up several things I palmed earlier? And bring it together later. The trick, is either done right under you nose, like when I palm or switch things, or drop them in your pocket after I misdirect you… hand me the bottle… or? The trick has been set up long before, then I exploit it when I want."

   "So… are you ready for the final trick?"

   "Sure… follow me."

   They went in tow behind Panic, as he approached a gaggle of guys. The same camp table he had borrowed the pack from and put back. He offered to do a trick for them, they said sure. Panic proclaimed, that only a "real" man, could ignore pain. He could, or so he said, because Rob had taught him to align his "chi" over several years of practice. Everyone laughed. He laughed with them.

   Panic said Merry was going to "align his chi", and he had her rub him here, there, lower, lower… everyone laughed when he made a face and jumped and said "honey… that's not my chi…" then he told her she had it, just smack it, to send the chi out through his body so he could now direct the chi to where he needed it. Merry giggled and slapped his ass cheek.

   "Ah. I feel it now… okay, I'm ready. Do… not… try… this… it's mildly dangerous, boys."

   Panic put a smoke in his mouth, and asked the one guy for a light. He couldn't find his lighter. He shoved his hand up Merry's leather mini, and pulled out a disposable lighter. Lit his smoke.

   "I always keep a spare…"

   Then he tossed the lighter to the guy who couldn't find his lighter. It was obvious from the way he looked and marveled at it, it was his.

   "Seems Merry's twat? Is faster then the eye can follow… now then. As I said… do not… try this… you can't do it, without years of chi alignment practice. I'm warning you…"

   Panic hit the cigarette until it was a huge, glowing cherry at the end? And immediately held it between his thumb and index finger, right up where everyone could see it up close. He counted to three, and dropped it and picked it back up normal. He then blew on his fingers dramatically, and showed everyone. No red mark and certainly no little round blister. His thumb had been on the filter end, but, the glowing hot ember he had just puffed up to highest heat? Was right against his index finger when he counted to three.

   He was done, and reminded them not to try it without knowing how to do it. George and Merry followed him back to their little pow wow seats, and watched. One by one? Every guy there tried to do it, and couldn't get to "one" let alone three on a slow count. Everyone had a burned digit, a little round blister on the tip of their index finger.

   "Okay… you made it look like you stole his own lighter, standing three feet away. That was the set up from earlier. I get that. Now we're sitting here watching a bunch of drunk guys? Burn their own fingers."

   "Yep. It's another setup, by the way…"

   "How?"

   Panic grinned.

   "That table? Is pretty much the best shots here right this second. Tomorrow, late afternoon. We have a bench-rest friendly competition set up. 100 and 200 yards. Smallest group wins. We already put all our money into the pot, so, it's a done deal. It's basically now between me, Rob, and Skykid… one of us? Will in all likelihood… win the pot. Why?"

   George laughed out loud…

   "Because you just made the best competition, get blisters on their trigger fingers."

   Panic tapped his head.

   "Strategy. Once again? That trick, was already pulled off, before it even goes down. They have choices. Try to use their left hand? Ain't gonna happen. Try to use their middle finger on their right hand? Ain't gonna happen. The only real choice? Is to put their trigger finger over the trigger farther than normal… which will cause them to torque or steer the shot. It's a little thing, but… the bet's already lost."

   "Anything else?"

   "Just watch… time to reinforce the chi trick…"

   Panic walked back up, and did the cigarette trick again. A slow count of three, twice, once in each hand. He even let them heat the cigarette up now for him, to show there was no trickery involved, other than he had… secret training, he claimed. This time? Amid their drunken ideas… he did it right up in their peering faces.

   He came back smirking, they went right back to burning their fingers again.

   George wondered aloud…

   "Won't this be a little obvious? You made a bet, burned their fingers, then you win a bet tomorrow afternoon…"

   "I didn't make the bet. They did. I know about the bet to get in on it tomorrow before we start if I want to. If I'm winning? I'm gonna sneeze and pull my last shot… so either Rob or Sky wins. Probably Rob, he was a scout sniper at one time. If there's the slightest wind? He has the edge."

   "Rob probably wins the shooting bet… Skykid already won the pool, I heard about that… what do you win?"

   "Hold on a second… Merry? Would you give me a nice hit of the apricot brandy? No hands, honey. With all your perfume you wore? It's the only way I can get some of science girl's magic…"

   Merry smiled and all but blushed. She took a big swig of the apricot brandy out the bottle, then leaned in to give him a couple seconds of a passionate kiss. Licked her lips and wiped her mouth on her hand, smiling like a little girl. Just so George was privileged to know, he made a little gargle sound and swallowed. Grinning.

   "George…"

   He slowly waved his palm around, indicating everything. The long range, the boys from the website, all of it. He came to rest pointing his palm at Merry at the end of his dramatic palm gesture, however.

   "…I have anything I could have ever wanted, already. There would be no point."

   George nodded.

   Panic and George eventually decided, they wanted some more apricot brandy. Panic gently suggested using cups this time, so as not to get George in trouble. Merry smiled and served them. As they sat sipping, Panic asked George if he minded if him and Merry smoked.

   George shrugged. Panic gave him the eye, and George got it.

   "Oh, that. Like I give a shit. Aren't there cops here though?"

   "Everyone already knows I do it. It's an open secret."

   "Well, you got new FBI agents here and everything."

   "Yeah. That would be a problem…"

   Panic was pointing, and George followed his finger. JG and Senior were getting their fingers burned at the moment. Everyone hooting and hollering, describing what they had seen, three times in a row already.

   "On the other hand? We could probably march naked circus midgets through the camp, and no one would notice."

   Merry quietly rolled up a particularly large one, and Panic waved it at Rob, until he saw it and came walking over. Rob pulled up a camp chair and joined them. Panic said something about Merry having a hot twat, and before she could protest his hand shot up her leather mini, and came out with a lit match.

   Rob said something about Speedy, and they looked over. Panic held the lit hand-rolled cannon up, and pointed at it, waving it around, hitting it and holding it in, and blowing it around. No one even noticed, it was after 2am. Speedy just made a rolling motion with one hand, as if cranking a jack in the box… which made his other hand's middle finger come up. He then reversed the cranking motion and it went back down. He obviously didn't care either.

   George just chuckled while the three of them passed it around and got glassy eyed. After a few rounds of idle small talk and jokes, Rob waved and wandered off. He ended up near Sky at the fire and the leftovers. George started yawning, and announced he was going to go home, and that he would see everyone tomorrow.

   Left alone at their far edge of the campsite, few other than Rob were privileged to know they weren't really that drunk. Smoked more than soused, they were getting silly now. Merry ended up with her camping chair pulled up directly behind his. Laughing and sharing sips of the little bit of apricot brandy to finish it, Merry would clamp her hand over his mouth from behind and either bite or kiss his neck.

   Rob and Skykid observed idly over an after midnight snack kept carefully warm, and watched it for entertainment. It was hard to tell if she was biting his neck or kissing it, probably both. Panic was "protesting" and "fighting" her, but… it was clear it was a fun game. She would stop and whisper something in his ear, then use the clamped hand to move his head yes or no like a puppet.

   It looked like she was poking him with her fingers, in random locations to sneak it in, then would sometimes rub him gently instead of poking him. She clearly sometimes tickled him. She alternated between the neck, the ear talking, and the mixed up "attacks" or "rubs". It was some kind of fun conversation, that she carried one sided. Every once in a while, she would stop to take a swig of apricot brandy. They quickly figured out, that every other swig went into him during a kiss. Then? She clamped him again, pulled his head back into her, and started in again. It was mildly amusing to watch.

   Rob chuckled.

   "Poor guy. We should go over and save him."

   "Yes. He looks like he's terrified, Rob."

   "This what you and Judy look like?"

   "Eh. Yes and no. Different game, same plot line."

   "How's the pool going?"

   "Judy loves it."

   "How's the heater doing. You had it a while now…"

   "Pretty good. Now that we're down south? Between the long summers, the mild winters, and the heater… it let's you get your money's worth out of it."

   "Still can't believe you went with the little one, Sky."

   "Told you Rob. No kids, and we don't have lots of parties. Small one? Cheap for chemicals. Cheap for water change. Quick to change the water. Heats up quicker. Quicker to clean. I got the biggest pump for the biggest pool? On the smallest pool they make. I can keep it warmer longer in cold weather. I got a pavilion over it, so we can go in during rain, or, even snow if I get the water hot enough."

   "No sun?"

   "Judy has fair skin. We get enough sun down south, we want to get wet and cool off when it's hot out. I'm telling you Rob… smaller is better for a pool. All the way around."

   "That's not a small pool, that's a large hot tub."

   "So? Whatever. Tell you what… wait till I get the removable sides on the pavilion. So I can put a big wood burner in there in the middle of winter. Between the walls and roof, the water heater, and the wood burner? I'm gonna be swimming in January. Right off my back porch."

   "Sounds nice."

   "It already is, and it's going to get better."

   "Christ, Sky… look at those two…"

   Merry was belly laughing now. She had gotten hold of a stick, and was "attacking" him with the short stick, in stabbing motions. Panic was still making a show of trying and failing to defend himself. Merry had his head firmly locked in her bosom, leaning his chair back, hand clamped firmly over his mouth. They laughed when she went for biting or kissing his neck, holding him still by "threatening" him with the short stick up to his chin.

   "She has a weapon now."

   "This should be on the website, Rob. Phone…"

   "Oh. Definitely…"

   They made a phone video of the show. After a couple minutes, they had the entire repertoire captured. The hand clamping, the poking, the rubbing, the tickling. The stick attacks, the apricot brandy kissing. Then finally, threatening with her "weapon", to hold him still for the neck biting. Merry came up from threatening him to sit still with her stick, and looked directly into the camera at them.

   After several seconds of staring for their little movie she saw them making and clearly didn't mind, she made a silly face and went back to "terrorizing" her "victim". After a while, their antics died down in reverse spurts of action. It degenerated into mostly kissing and hugging. They walked over hand in hand to tell Rob and Skykid they were going in for the night, that they had fun, that they enjoyed the food, and that they would see them tomorrow.

   Skykid made them wait while he made up as many takeouts of the Chinese leftovers as he could, he didn't know what he was going to do with it all anyways, other than refrigerate it. Panic grabbed the laptop and cables from the table in the bunkhouse and stowed it in the backpack. They seemed content for the time being to have dopey smiles and were obviously about to walk to their cabin holding hands, but carrying all the takeout containers obviated that plan. Panic said this was like takeout from the restaurant he remembered, and Merry said the cat was going to be happier than usual.

   In the course of getting ready to go, they had silly talk between themselves that made Rob and Skykid nod and smile, it was obviously in jokes that only meant something humorous to themselves. Phrases like flying through the air and aim for the face made them laugh, and left Rob and Skykid, again, to smile and nod politely. When prompted by Rob, Merry laughed and said to ask George about the funny story, because he had heard it already.

   After they walked down the path and disappeared, Skykid amused himself with the funny video they had just made. Then, he paused it and looked at the still. He zoomed in to make the picture bigger, homing in on Merry's face when she had been "terrorizing" Panic earlier. Skykid showed Rob the still he had paused and zoomed in on. Both couldn't stop staring and looking at it.

   In the course of having a couple drinks and several smokes, then having silly fun with her boyfriend late at the party… Merry had briefly let her mask down without realizing it. It was when she had stared at them right before making the silly face.

   It was all too clear that Merry had what they had once all called dead man's eyes.