the Dirty Dozen - Chapter 60

   Merry and Panic were laying next to each other. Merry started aping and imitating him. Laying as he did. It took him a while to notice, that every time he crossed his ankles, she did as well. That if he laced his fingers behind his head, she mirrored it. He finally smiled at her. She smiled back.

   "Thanks for bringing the sleeping bag, hun. That was nice."

   "Well, you made a joke about the bunk bed cots the boys have in the supply closet."

   "Yeah. They're for… things. One of the boys might not make it home alive on his bike? They're there. You can imagine what they probably get used for now and again, right?"

   "Oh. I can imagine. Let me guess, pee stains on the old mattress. Would actually be an improvement, over the truth, huh?"

   "I'm pretty sure. On the practical side of it all? Traveling around, on the bikes, is kinda a thing. So, they're for that, too."

   "Traveling?"

   "Yeah. Traveling is encouraged. One of the boys has a couple weeks or months off work? Out of work for a while? They're encouraged to travel. Go. Meet the other clubs. I guess it's their version of networking. If… you're sent out to do something? You can hop from club to club. Always a safe place to stay. No records of traveling. You meet people you wouldn't normally meet. If… someone needs X, now you might know someone who knows about X."

   "Yeah… I'm betting those things have seen way more use, for bouncing the local girls on. Than for hosting dignitaries on their various diplomatic missions."

   "Life is about the three B's. Bikes… beer… bimbos. Or, don't you know anything?"

   "Honey, the more I learn about life? The less I wanna know."

   "Thanks again for bringing the sleeping bag. What's Bitty Kitty gonna sleep on now?"

   "The mattress. I put out some of your clothes on it for him. So, he can lay in your scent, on your side."

   "Thanks…"

   Merry started imitating him again. He lifted and folded a leg up, and released it slowly, cracking it. She did it too. Smiling.

   "What is with you tonight. This is like, eight year old stuff."

   "What we just got done doing, was that eight year old stuff, too? I thought, that was pretty… adult…"

   "Adult? Some adults never get around to that stuff, I'm sure. R rated? That's adult only. You insist on an X rating."

   "Hmm. I was hoping for triple X. I thought I was bad enough a girl to get a triple X rating."

   "You're getting there. What comes after triple X? You're never happy…"

   "I don't know. I guess, after triple X, we'll have to call it Rated Z."

   "Ha. That's actually a tire rating system. As in, a Z rated tire? Is certified not to fly apart at sustained speeds over 140 miles per hour…"

   "Mm. Now, I'm a racing tire. Fully certified to be driven hard, at high speed, for a long period of time. Mm. I think I like the sound of that. Thanks."

   "You were texting up a storm a little while ago. Anything important?"

   "Uncle Mike can text my burner phone here securely. From his laptop. It's normal for a man in his position to be doing reports and stuff on his laptop. He said he got a couple hour nap. The line workers are changing out, it wakes him up."

   "Hmm."

   "Uncle Mike said to give you a compliment."

   "What did I do perfect now? I'm trying to learn how to be a fuck-up. Jesus."

   "He said you do very well not admitting you know him. His exact words were… every word every gesture. He said it was particularly convincing, when you pouted about the girl locked in the bathroom thing."

   "Oh. That wasn't play acting. That was reality."

   "Huh? But, you know Mike doesn't mean anything talking shop about the girl locked herself up in here… he just goes along with the conversation around him."

   "I know that. But, the others? No. All they know? Is that you ought to be in shock. Traumatized. Might even be contemplating suicide, as far as they know. Making jokes like that? In front of the guy? Unacceptable."

   "You're very sweet about that stuff, honey. Just remember, we're onto the easy part now."

   "Merry. This isn't some game."

   "It's not? What do you call what you used to do. Play-time. This? Is my play-time. I'm used to all this. If I took it too seriously? I'd never be able to do it."

   "I guess I understand that… line of reasoning."

   "Honey? Can we play a game? Let's go look in the mirror. Together. Do mommy a favor? My flip flops. I left them on your side… please?"

   "You can walk around barefoot everywhere else."

   "Yeah. This floor is cruddy. I'm not walking barefoot in dried biker spit and scooter skank jizz. I'll be damned if I'm wasting an hour or two, mopping the floor. Walking barefoot around our little cabin and camp is just… dirt. This? Is complete… filth."

   He handed her the flip flops, and she slipped them on. She stood up, and took his hand. He slipped his boots on, after she waved off his clothes going on.

   "No. We don't need clothes. No one's here. No one's coming. Come on…"

   She led him to the bathroom.

   "Hmm. Girl's room. A little cleaner… mirror is bigger…"

   She stood just behind and beside him, in the mirror.

   "Don't watch me. Don't watch you. Just watch… them… here we are, we're looking at another couple. Just keep looking at them, and in a couple minutes? It will start to work."

   Merry had her little pipe he brought for them, the little one with the big receptacle bowl. She packed it, and slowly cleaned it out, holding it in as long as she could between exhales. Then she packed it up for him, and he did the same.

   "Just… keep… watching…"

   "Remember, that's not us. That's… another couple. Now… I know you can drop your face. Go on. It's all right. It's me."

   She whispered in his ear.

   "Go on. Take your mask off. It doesn't scare me… that's… the real you. I like him, just fine."

   He did her exercise, like she wanted. Tried to just look at the couple in the mirror. He slowly let his face fall. He saw the guy in the mirror, watched the eyes go blank. The face go blank. What people who knew him? Thought this was his game face, his determined look. Few people knew, that was just the real him.

   "There it is. I like that guy. I like the other guy, too… but I like this guy just fine. He's more than okay, once I got to meet him."

   "How long do we study… these people?"

   "As long as it takes. Once it… feels a little weird? It's starting to work. How old does that guy look. What would you guess he does for a living. What would you guess his name is. Just guess about that guy in the mirror. It's not a mirror… it's just a window. Looking at a couple, looking back at us."

   Panic indulged her.

   "Honey? I do things with my face. All girls do, but… I have a lot of them. I overdo them slightly. Are you watching?"

   Merry did her happy face. Her surprised face. Her what did you just say to me face. Several others as well, in fairly quick succession.

   "Let me know when you feel a little weird. So I know."

   "Okay. Maybe. It… feels like I'm… fighting… fighting wondering which side I'm on? Can't explain it…"

   "Yeah. That's it. Everyone calls it a different thing. Now? Just keep watching the other couple. Ready? Watch that girl, with that guy… and don't look away. When you notice it."

   Merry packed the pipe up for them, and they shared it. Back and forth. She was looking down and away, then… when she came back up…

   Her eyes were still closed. She took a deep breath. Held it. Exhaled… and opened her eyes. He didn't instantly recognize that face. It could almost pass for a sister that wasn't quite a twin, but almost. A cousin who could be mistaken at a distance, but, not up close.

   He thought he had seen that face a few times. During sex. Times when he thought maybe she was a little mad, but it had passed.

   "Study those people… we have to recognize them later, maybe. You wanna remember them. Thank you, for keeping your face dropped for me. I know you don't like to do it. If you don't think you have to… but, I like that face. Notice anything?"

   "He has a… stare."

   "He does. Some people call it, the 'thousand yard stare', or, they say the person is 'looking right through you'. People report that a stare like that makes them nervous. But it's fine. What about the girl. What about her?"

   He was into the game now, and after the funny feeling had passed, it was a lot easier. Merry still had that… once fleeting then gone look he rarely saw on her face.

   "The girl. She was doing… faces earlier."

   Merry nodded.

   "What else?"

   "She's… making another one?"

   Merry shook her head slowly, slightly, no.

   "But… I've seen that one."

   "When?"

   "Just… once in a while. Sometimes, during sex. Definitely during sex."

   Merry nodded yes. Slowly. Slightly.

   "Any other time?"

   "Just, here and there. I see it, it's gone…"

   "Yeah… now, that guy, in this window? That… is you. That girl? That… is his girl. That girl? Is not Merry… look at her."

   "Okay…"

   "Do… you like her?"

   "Yeah. Is that… before Merry?"

   Merry nodded slightly. Just the once.

   "What… you can't tell me. That was Gina the barmaid. Or, Helen the… receptionist."

   "None of those. You like her, though?"

   "Yes."

   "Well, what do you like about her?"

   Merry put her hands on his right shoulder and kept staring at the couple in the mirror with him.

   "She's… intense. I've seen that face. When we fuck."

   Merry nodded.

   "It's an intense look. Like, some combination of… furious, contained anger. Grim determination. Just got done fucking, or, just about to fuck the ever loving shit out of me. Or, push me off a cliff, and go back to texting. Like I said… intense. I like that. She's… hot. Sexy. Dangerous, though."

   "You're making me very happy, honey. Wanna see my happy face? My real happy face. As happy as I can feel sometimes, and how it shows."

   "Sure. I like when you're… when that girl… is happy."

   Not much happened. The edge of her lips, only the one side? Curled up ever so slightly. A tiny thing really, almost a smirk. Her eyes, closed a hair.

   "Don't you dare put your face back on. How long? How long have you been doing your face? You mainly do, the one. That… half smirk. I guess, that's the one that does the best for you, huh? That's your… go to face. Isn't it? Don't you dare make it… stay like this. Just for a little while, okay?"

   "Since… my teens?"

   "Same here."

   "Why did you start to… make your face?"

   "Dating. Trying to start to date, anyways. Have friends."

   "Same here."

   "People… when you were younger? Always asked you, what you were mad, or sad about, didn't they?"

   He nodded yes.

   "After you… perfected your face, that quit, didn't it?"

   He nodded yes again.

   "My sports, had off seasons. I did drama club then. I was never around enough to do any of the plays, wasn't good enough anyways, but… just wanted to do it when I was off of sports schedules. High school… college… that's how I learned to make all my faces. You don't have so many. That main one, though, you worked on it a lot, didn't you?"

   He nodded.

   "Where did you get it? Where's it come from? Some friend… a movie character you liked… who did you practice, to get your face?"

   "Honestly?"

   "Why start to lie now… tell me."

   The girl's bathroom was tiny. Merry turned the heater up past it's normal setting, so the room would quickly get toasty warm, with the forced fan heater kicking in the minuscule space. Immediately she returned to have her fingers over his right shoulder once again, gazing at this other couple through the window.

   "A character. In a series of books I liked to read as a kid. By the time I was in junior high school, I was done growing taller. The character? He was my height. I would eventually fill out to his weight, I figured. If I looked at my eyes? They seemed to fit the descriptions of his, in the book."

   "He was who you wanted to be, huh?"

   "I guess… the heats on, we're gonna stay here a few minutes?"

   "Honey? I haven't had this much fun with a guy? Ever… I could do this for hours…"

   "All right… pack one up."

   "We keep watching that couple though. The whole time…"

   "All right…"

   They shared another pipe. Merry repacked it and left it on the sink edge for them. The small ladies room was quickly warming up.

   "Tell me about it… the character…"

   "People always mentioned my face. What is that stupid look on your face. Don't you eyeball me. Authority figures? First they demand you look them in the eyes, then? They yell at you for eyeballing them. It… frustrated me. What? Are you giving me attitude? All I did, was look them in the eye. Just like they asked. I did what they wanted… then they screamed at me for doing what they wanted."

   "Teachers? Coaches? Principals? Cops? Any authority figures when you were young, right?"

   "Yeah…"

   "Keep talking about it. How did it make you feel? How did you act."

   "When you're little? You get scared. Why am I getting yelled at, for nothing. Why is the nun smacking me across the face, when I didn't break any rules. I would tell my mom and dad. A lot of teachers didn't like me. Called me names. Openly. That made me a target for the other kids."

   "And as you got a little older?"

   "I questioned them. Why? What did I do wrong? How can you hate me, when I don't break any rules. When I get all A's. I can't change the look my face has. I wasn't scared anymore, I was used to older people making fun of me, and hitting me. I learned to just stare at them. If you flinch or cry? It makes them do it more."

   "How did it make you feel…"

   "You… first hate yourself. Later? You hate everyone else. I went into a little shell. For years. I read thousands of books. Over many years. You begin to even hate people that… you sense just pity you. It makes you hate everyone, and everything, just about. But… you can only hate… so much… for only… so long. Then? Just… nothing. A weird calm."

   "That? Is years of… call it what you want. Abuse… trauma… you were about to do one of three things. Explode, into anger and acting out. Or, disintegrate. It ends with suicide. You took the third option… you end up a tough shell, that can't be hurt in any way. With nothing inside. Certainly nothing good, but, at least nothing bad either. Just… nothing. People in that state? Report feeling like a robot."

   "I just call it, I didn't have a happy childhood, like most people have."

    "I know you have feelings. You can describe them. Go on."

   "I started looking in the mirror. I… I felt… a little like I was a… alien of some kind. I needed… a face. A human face. It had to be one, that was close to mine. It had to fit. Like trying on a coat or shoes. Had to look and feel right."

   Merry nodded.

   "How do you describe school? It was 18 years of your young life…"

   "Oh. It was like… prison, basically. You have to go. There's no other option. You know what's going to happen, every day, but… you must go. You can't leave, once you're there. You must stay. The bullshit? Starts walking to the bus stop, and it doesn't end until you get back to the house. 18 years of that shit."

   "A life sentence, for a serious crime? Is twenty years. You got off two years early, for good behavior. You started fighting back, before you left high school, right?"

   "Of course."

   "Well? That's where you're thousand yard stare came from. You had to endure a life sentence. Basically? Just for being born. You got out 2 years early, for good behavior. You became hollow inside and hard outside, and learned to fight back against the other inmates in your prison."

   "I always just say, I didn't enjoy school. It wasn't a happy time for me."

   "So… what did you do when they let you loose from prison?"

   "Air Force."

   "Yeah. Then?"

   "The equator. You know that part already."

   "That's where Little Robbie found you, right?"

   "Yeah."

   "Rob… ended up liking what they had made you into, didn't he?"

   "He did. He… gave me a new way of looking. At everything. A Philosophy."

   "Give me an example."

   "Well. I shouldn't hate everyone and everything. I should love them. Because, they made me into what I had become. It was all a great gift, not a curse. He knows I'm not terribly religious, but, he is. He said, god made me that way. Deliberately. He wanted me to endure all that, so that I could become something he needed me to be."

   "What?"

   "He said god doesn't come down and do miracles anymore. He only works through people now. The time of miracles is over. He showed me the… ripped apart bodies… of the helpless villagers. Old people. Women. Children. The helpless and the innocent, torn to pieces, by complete evil. He said, in the old days? God would send angels of death down. To wipe the evil and the wicked from the face of the earth. We sat, talking. Among the innocent dead. The flies. The scavengers. The smells. He made me understand, god could only work through men now… We? We're god's instrument. We? Were the angels of death. We were being commanded, to do the Lord's work."

   "This was after you finally joined the… good monster team."

   "Yes."

   "What was that like?"

   "You… become something. More than just a man. You feel… strength. Power. You're now motivated. You're no longer scared of death. Because? You've become death itself. You can no longer be stopped. We taught the zombies? Why they needed to be afraid of the dark."

   "I can't imagine, what that must be like… to feel that…"

   "Hmm. After a few regular jumps? You start going higher and higher. You start to put on oxygen, and special suits. You wear an outer layer that has… well, it's like little wings. Coming off your arms and legs. You no longer fall straight down, you move around. You no longer fall, you fly."

   "Christ. I forgot… you guys ran with Airborne…"

   "Oh, fuck yeah… the rush. See, there's a battle going on down below. Your ground forces, are meeting their ground forces, in a ground battle. You? Are no longer a man, that walks. You? Are now a full angel of death. You actually have wings. You actually fly. Those tiny little insignificant things on the ground? That… is your prey. You've become? A winged raptor of death. You land behind them, and hit them from behind. They scatter like mice. You hunt, and you kill. And you're doing the Lord's work, so, you can't be stopped. Failure? Becomes impossible. You do or die."

   "Jesus Christ…"

   "Nope. He wasn't there. Just us, and them."

   Panic chuckled, but mirthlessly. Merry thought it must sound something like the chuckling of a madman.

   "What?"

   "Rob's idea, once. The plagues? On Egypt? Why not sneak into the enemy camp, after a period of leaving them alone. When they had fallen back, retreated, to regroup. Behind the lines, far enough back, they felt safe in their camp. His idea, was to sneak in, and move around… every tent? Only kill the highest ranking man there. You know, the firstborn son, of each household. We left our calling cards on them. We left a photocopy of a page of the bible, to let them know what it meant."

   "Fuck…"

   "Later, if you want. Another time? Different camp, same deal. It was just after the rainy season was ending. They… had a little ditch running through their little camp. The rain, would wash out the sewage. Then quit flowing. The ditch was filled with clear standing water when we hit. We waited for it. We… emptied enough blood into that ditch of clear standing water? It was… the river turned to blood. Left the cards. Left another photocopy of a bible page, so they knew what it meant." 

   "Biblical plagues… psychological warfare…"

   "Strike like the hand of god. I wouldn't normally… talk about this. Ever. With anyone."

   "Somehow, it's okay with me, isn't it."

   "Yeah."

   "Because I took my mask off, after you took yours off. Right?"

   He nodded.

   "Go back. To when you picked out a face… the man in the book you liked…"

   "I didn't have his… I was imitating the description of him. I wasn't really him. Oh, I picked up some of his lines. His catch phrases. A lot of the time? He had this half smirk on his face. See, he always looked like he knew something everyone else around him in the book, didn't know. Because he did. At the end of the book? There was always a… like at the end of a whodunnit? The main detective has to explain everything that really went on? To everyone?"

   "Yeah…"

   "But… it was an action novel series, too. He was… half smart detective, half action hero."

   "What was his woman like?"

   "Oh. He would find a new one, every book. She was always a sort of strong girl, sort of smart? Never as strong or as smart or as clever as he was, he was the hero. Then? They would go off, when it was over. The sidekick woman? Always fell for him… they went off to… a beach to celebrate. Always seemed like they were in love, but…"

   "But what?"

   "But… every book? They never explained what happened to her. What became of the last woman. He always got a new one. He never cheated on her, but, at the end of the book? You knew not to get attached to her, she wasn't coming back. Just him, and his sidekicks and crew."

   "Is Rob your sidekick?"

   "Ha. Honestly? Rob's more of him, and… I'm like a tougher version of the sidekick, to be honest."

   "Do you like the guy in the mirror now? We've been doing this so long now, you can just discuss him, like he's another person. It's the point of the exercise. You… like him?"

   "Yeah."

   "Describe what you like about that guy…"

   "He's… loyal. Loyal to a fault. Sense of honor. A really strong sense of honor. He follows the rules. All of them. Especially the ones? Other people know you don't have to follow. Because it's just the right thing to do. Honest to a fault. The guy that argues with the cashier to take back the extra wrong change. He won't accept change for a 20 when he knows he paid with a 10. He gives the wallet back? With all the money and credit cards in it."

   "He never breaks the rules? Ever?"

   "No. When the rules are fucking things up? No, he breaks the shit out of them. But, only to do… what's right, damn it."

   "He can lie, though, can't he?"

   "Only to do what's right. Strong… moral… code."

   "You really like the girl he's with?"

   "Yes. Look at her. Tall. Tan. Cute. Muscles that still look and feel soft, until she uses them. Then, they come alive. Beneath your hand. Surprising you. Curvy. Curvy hips and thighs. Long strong legs, muscular, but soft until she uses them. Another inch or two, and she could look him in the eye… and in her heels? God. Even without your heels, I've seen men get out of your way walking."

   "What about her face. Her eyes…"

   "I told you. Very intense. I like it."

   "Honey? Remember I told you how wet I got, when you pretended we were married?"

   "Yeah."

   "Check. Don't get all up in there. Just the tip of your finger. Check it."

   "Holy shit…"

   Merry nodded slowly.

   "I felt a drip hit my foot earlier. I'd be embarrassed, with anyone else I wasn't this close with. I've… never been able to do this before. Not once. Ever."

   "What? Play the mirror game?"

   "No. Every time I tried to… come up behind a guy, in the mirror. Drop my face? Let him see a glimpse of the real me. That girl there. They… look like a vampire, or, a reptile just appeared behind them in a scary movie. They jump out of their skin. They… act like I'm about to… do something to them. I'm not. They freak, though."

   "I didn't. What's the big deal. You look… hot. All steamed up. Like… you're playing sports, or… about to do bedroom sports. Intense. It's… fucking hot."

   "I'm not. I'm just standing here. Oh, I'm dripping wet, we both know that now… but… that happened after you saw my real face for a while, and you didn't jump, you actually liked it. That, was what made me wet. Did you see any change on my face as I got… that way?"

   "No."

   "Hmm. I can see, I have to draw you a picture, like always."

   "Go on."

   "When… have you ever seen this face before?"

   "Like I said, a few seconds here and there. While we're fucking, or… when you're concentrating, then it's gone…"

   "Yeah. When have you seen this face, in books. In movies…"

   "Oh. The eyes? That intense thing I like about it?"

   "Yeah."

   "Oh… I guess… the eyes? Oh, yeah. Reminds me of the girl that…"

   Panic went on to describe the movie, and the character the actress played in that movie.

   "Yeah. She was pretty in that movie. She had a lot of sex, too. Guys liked the movie because of that. But… what was the actress playing. What did she study, to do that part so well. Hmm? Use yer noggin, hun."

   "Oh… well, she…"

   "Say it."

   "She killed people. Lots of people. She was a fucking psycho… that was the big reveal. That the sultry, smoking hot chick, was…"

   "Psycho. Now, we both know that's a leftover generic word, from the early 50s… what's the real word we use now. Common people use the word psycho, short for what?"

   "Psychopath?"

   Merry nodded.

   "What's the real word, now."

   "A… sociopath."

   Merry nodded.

   "You're not scared of me. At all. You like it. Do you know how… rare you are to me?"

   "No. Why? You're pretty…"

   "I'm not like the girl in that movie though. I know that. I'm… a cute tomboy, that kind of pretty. They call me a jeans and T shirt kinda girl, to be nice."

   "I like that."

   "Do you know how many guys won't date a girl, at all, over a certain height? Then never a girl their height, let alone taller?"

   "Yeah… I always thought that was stupid. Pretty is pretty."

   "They're intimidated. They think people will look down on them. You didn't care I was almost your height. I was scared to wear my high heels, and, you loved it. I was so excited."

   "Then? Height and being athletic aside… I can't drop my face. Not for more than an instant, then I better get a face on, quick. Like an ugly girl, scared to be seen without an hour of makeup every morning. Thank god, I can put my face on with a flash."

   "Merry… you're… describing everything I like about you."

   "I know. Fuck. There it went. I felt a drip. Definitely that time. My foot is gonna get yucky."

   They both giggled.

   "I'm a 'path, hun… I've known this for a while."

   "This bothers you?"

   "It used to. Till I learned to put faces on. Till I learned how to… get a boy to make out with me. Without overpowering him, I mean…"

   They both chuckled.

   "But… you have feelings. I know you do."

   "Honey? I'm… something like one tenth of one percent, of the human population. A 'path. I told you before. It's a range, its not path or no path… think of a thermostat."

   Panic pretended to twist her nipple. To set the dial…

   "Okay. Thermostat…"

   "You're funny. But seriously, think of… 0 to 100 degrees. Dead zero? That's… the evil, cold… chops people up, just to see if he can feel anything, serial killer in the book or the movie. The wicked one."

   "Okay."

   "And… as you bring the thermostat up? Little by little… you get a little more emotion, here and there, a tiny bit more, every notch up… until you reach 100 degrees? Warm, loving, compassionate, sweet, sensitive human being."

   Panic made a silly girl voice…

   "I'm just a people person. I have no skills, I just like to talk and talk, and I like to experience people… hee hee."

   "Yeah. I hate that shit too. It's like a retard on drugs. Bubbly bullshit, with no substance."

   "Yeah. Emotional pudding, no bowl to hold it in…"

   "I know, right?"

   "So… where's… where is your thermostat set?"

   "I don't know. Assessments? In Abnormal Psychology classes in grad school? Always around 50, 55 degrees. 60 on a great day. Never a refrigerator, never quite room temperature, though."

   "I bet you faked yours… the questionnaires…"

   "Oh. Fuck yeah. I looked at other girls, and only did my real ones? In private. Then tore them up. Don't want anyone finding that shit."

   "They told me I was a 'path. That's why I was one of their own. Down at the equator. Play-time."

   "They were wrong. You have the entire range of human emotions. You describe feelings? Perfectly. I've slipped in one question here, another one there… you wouldn't know. You? Are no 'path."

   "Then… why is that guy in the mirror…"

   "I told you. They just thought you were. Because your emotions don't show, on your face. Because your emotional state doesn't show in your body language. Because of your childhood. You spent your whole life growing up, experiencing constant adrenaline dumps. You're so used to it by the time they met you… plus? You ran a lot. Played sports. You were in good shape. When your heart rate jumps to 220 beats a minute? When it hits? No biggie. Just like you're running. You were so used to adrenaline growing up? You learned to keep your shit together, and think under it. That's another reason they thought you were a monster, like they were."

   "You're not a monster, honey. Quit talking about yourself like that…"

   "You just spent so much time, playing with the good monster team? It's no big deal to you. You're so used to playing with… monsters, for so long? It's just exciting for you. Whee, we get to play on the swing set, I feel young again… you're a burned out adrenaline junkie."

   "I guess."

   "Hun, you ran back to confront the DC asshole. Finally, someone who wants to play. You missed it all. Real life? Is dull after all that. Whether you know it or not? Whether you admit it or not? It was fun for you to finally have someone want to do play-time again. Up on the hill? You and Little Robbie? Christ almighty… you two were like college athletes, middle aged now, finally got to toss a football around a little."

   "Is Rob…?"

   "I think so. Isn't he a good, trustworthy friend though?"

   "100 over 100. Dependable. A fucking rock shoreline in any storm…"

   "You said it yourself, back in my room, after meeting the boys. It's okay to be a monster. Play on the good monster team. It's fine. The world needs those people. Race car drivers. Surgeons. As long as you don't eat innocent villagers? You're fine."

   "You're sure I'm not…"

   "Ha. You spent so much time, thinking you were one of the equator boys, you're ashamed to join the human race? That's funny."

   "Tell me again?"

   "Not only do you describe every emotion perfectly well? You said the magic words to me. You said, and I quote… you can just flick the light switch off, and feel your emotions later, when it's convenient…"

   "What's that?"

   "That? Is called different things. Sustained trauma, is one. Compartmentalization, is another. You were already traumatized, and got over it? By the time you were an adult. Then? When you were faced with… monsters being monsters? You just flick the switch off. You turned the switch back on, when you came back to the real world. You just flick it off, when you wanna play."

   "So. What does this couple in the window, looking at us… what do they do?"

   "They're going to be fine. The man? Is a good man. Better than a normal good guy. He can do play-time. What about the girl… is she okay?"

   "Told you. I meant it. She's intense. Hot."

   "How did I do?"

   "Oh, this was okay. I never thought I would enjoy getting my head shrunk… you're not prescribing 6 bottles of pills, to make me normal, like I'd even wanna be that."

   "Not that. How did I do. The other night?"

   "Oh. Fucking fine. Me and Rob, shoot with you for fun a little bit, a few games… couple nights a week in the woods playing… I'd want you to circle back on the motel room in DC with me. Cover me. You'd be okay backup. You're okay?"

   "Am I going to pieces?"

   "Well, figured on account of your job and all, you'd be like any guy trying to look cool…"

   "No. I'm fine. You just let me kill a few stray monsters. I was worried. In DC? I froze up… plus, I couldn't even have a gun, when I suddenly needed one the most."

   "Ah. Everyone Popsicles up the first time. First time? Everyone freezes up, told you. And, that's at best. You followed commands, you were 100 over 100 for a cherry. You didn't even piss your pants. I was proud. God, I bragged to Rob, he was sick of hearing it…"

   "Wow. You let a cherry, take flank?"

   "New guy always takes flank, everyone knows that. You do a few flanks, you start moving around a little… then you can start moving beside me. More worried about friendly fire, than you pissing."

   "Hmm. Thanks. You really know how to sweet talk a girl, don't you?"

   They chuckled.

   "You know, Uncle Mike was going to strangle me. He's over it now. He's just happy it's over."

   "Why was he mad?"

   "He thought, he was operating on the original idea. That the boys were going to be waiting, and…"

   "Well, why have amateur hour? Makes sense. You have two ringers, put 'em in the game. Let them hit it outta the park against a fucking little league team."

   "No, silly. All the residue? The reloading tricks you and Rob pulled? Uncle Mike thinks…"

   "Ha. Look, it's like a movie. When you see someone juggling, or dancing professionally? It's never the star in the movie. That's a stunt person doing the tricks. You're the star actor, you take the bows, and… let the unknown stuntman hide backstage. No big deal."

   "Well, you did let me do a few of my own stunts. So, when someone asks me to demonstrate it on silhouettes, I'll look okay? They'll buy it?"

   "Oh, yeah. You just one hand a few cardio shots at 10, 15 yards? They'll shit their pants. Especially? If you remember to drop your face. The girl in the mirror? Just let them see a peek of her, when you pop a few silhouettes. Easy."

   "You done talking about these people, then?"

   "Sure."

   "I meant what I said. Look… honey? I can't replace you. I've never been able to be myself before. I want this, for my home life. Not only are you not scared of me, you like it."

   "Really?"

   Merry rolled her eyes. She lifted her foot out of her flip flop, and pulled her leg up, to drape her foot over the edge of the white porcelain bathroom sink. Her ankle resting just over the edge.

   "Look. My ankle is wet. I gotta clean my little gold chain you like so much… this is ridiculous…"

   "Ooh."

   "Oh, fuck. I said 'ankle'… I forgot for a minute there, I'm just some girl, attached to a set of ankles…"

   Panic checked her again. Didn't even hardly touch her, more ran his finger skimming the slit. Pulled his finger up to show her how his check went.

   "Shh. I'll take care of it. No problem."

   He looked at the little gold chain. It danced on her strong, tan ankle just like he liked. Mesmerized him. He kissed it. Ran his tongue over the problem…

   "There. I kissed it, I made it better."

   "You made it worse, you slut. Okay, we're good?"

   "Even better."

   "Get on that sleeping bag. We should get a good nights sleep. We'll eat again, say, in an hour? Then sleepy time."

   "Hour, hour and a half. Rape? Is a highly fluid thing. You never can tell. You can't rape to a set schedule, it doesn't work like that."

   "Oh, get out there…"

   They put the heater back down to normal. Flicked the light out. Merry had slipped her flip flop back on. They went and kicked their footwear off, and went to bed. With the roasted pig, and the sauces.

   Panic tried to talk some sense into Merry for the better part of an hour and a half. Then, they ate some more. Drank some bottled water, and Merry nestled into her usual position.

   As they were falling asleep, she whispered her new, novel trick she enjoyed so much, into his neck. Panic smiled and nestled back into her, and they drifted off.