Range - Chapter 37

   Over the next week, Panic's shoulder improved to the point he had nearly full range of motion. Panic felt lucky he only got kissed by the hollow-point, a mere peck on the cheek and not the full on french kiss he could just as easily have received. Merry's vision of her traumatic experience was becoming more of a rarity and her nightmares of it ceased. Merry felt lucky she was only under the panic of being trapped in the Bitty Kitty tunnel, and hadn't had to see the physical aftermath of the defensive shooting. When Speedy had escorted her to get her things, he had posted up at the door to the bathroom which prevented her seeing anything more than a pair of shoes.

   When they drove into town, Panic knew she didn't like very much driving through the short cement tunnel underpass that went under the old train trestle. She used to pause and take a deep breath before driving through it, so when Panic was driving them into town he would pause for her to steel herself. She had told him it wasn't necessary anymore.

   When they fooled around, Merry knew she had to be gentle and sweet with anything they did because of his shoulder injury. Panic had been making sly jokes to let Merry know that a small amount of turbulence was now an acceptable flight plan, and turbulence was beginning to increase. Every now and again, he would make a face and they would both laugh nervously and readjust positions to take pressure off of his shoulder. That was becoming less frequent.

   Merry now allowed herself to be a star witness against her dirty feeb ex and the dirty city cops when the time came, and it was now not only allowed by her biker friends, but heartily encouraged. Indeed, ass fucking dirty FBI agents and city cops was a rare treat for them.

   Late one night, they had gone over in conversation all of this that was now either fixed, being fixed, or going well. When Merry woke up to take a piss and found Panic sitting up, staring off into space, contemplating something… after answering nature's call… she got back into the double sleeping bag with him, and sat up smack beside him, the entire sides of their bodies just touching.

   "Honey… right before we fell asleep… I could have sworn we went over all the bullshit and how well it was all going. What's keeping you up?"

   Panic didn't immediately answer her.

   "Honey… I will remind you, I'm in charge of your sleeping. Which means, I'm also in charge of your not sleeping. Start talking."

   "Well. Now that all of that's going well… I'm right back where I started. Me. Speedy. Chasing the devil. The FBI? Dragging their feet."

   "Are you gonna start not sleeping again?"

   "I don't think so… I hope not, anyways."

   "Are… you on the verge of some… big idea? Or can we talk about something else."

   "No. I'm just running over the same ground over and over again. Go ahead and change the subject. Might do me good. Can't hurt, anyways. The same dilemma will be there when we're done."

   "Hun? I'm… not worried about it, I'm just wondering about something…"

   "What? If it's not specifics about me and Speedy's case… I don't mind."

   "It's about you."

   "What about me?"

   "You remember the night we scored the Gamma? You met the boys…"

   "Yeah."

   "Remember… you told me you were… you were gonna change, not to worry about it? Then… I didn't like it."

   Panic lowered his chin almost to his chest and his voice was practically sub-audible.

   "Yeah…"

   "Something… I didn't catch something you said, then… later on I caught it. The… subject never… came up again. I wanna make sure it's okay to talk about it."

   Panic sighed.

   "What."

   "I was thinking… you were putting on your game face? For the boys. I thought… maybe that was how you… acted when you were… you know… I figured that was how you acted… before you came back to the real world."

   "And?"

   "Ah. Then later on, I remembered that you said something about, that was your… normal personality. When you were young. Am I remembering that right?"

   "What are you getting at."

   "Well, it would make more sense… that you would have a face and a voice like that… from… working around that… kind of work."

   "So, what's the problem then."

   "Later on? I realized when I played it back in my head… you said that you were like that when you were young. It's no secret you didn't have a happy childhood. But… you describe… wonderful, loving, supportive parents."

   "Are you going to shrink my head?"

   "Do I have to give you six or eight drops of Gamma to get you talking about this?"

   "Do… you like the way I am now?"

   "Yes. Very much. I think you know that."

   "Okay."

   "Well… I'm trying to figure out, what a little kid with wonderful loving parents… would have a… thousand yard stare for."

   "Merry? I changed. Simple as that. If you like me now, that's what matters, right?"

   "Panic? That night. I… I wasn't… prepared for the look on your face. Your voice. The way you acted. It was… a little scary. Is… that what you were like as a little kid?"

   "Merry. If you really want to get into this, I will. Let me just put it the best way I can, okay?"

   "Go ahead. Tell me a story. We're both up. We don't have to be anywhere tomorrow if we don't want to be."

   "Merry… let's say… a person was born… somehow… different from the other kids. Growing up? Whatever you are, that's… what's normal to you. That person? How would they know what normal was. Such a person, would have no frame of reference. I mean, it's not like we get to inhabit other bodies to see what it's like being other people, you know?"

   "Go on…"

   "Over time? The person… would slowly start to have it dawn on them, that maybe something was… off. They wouldn't necessarily know what it was. How could they."

   "Did you have problems with school?"

   "Not with school. With… the other children. At home, at school, and anywhere I went. Some adults, too, but mainly the children."

   "What was the problem, then?"

   "I never really knew. I… just knew there was some kind of problem."

   "What kind of problem…"

   "Well. When I was really little? My parents… they took me to see a doctor."

   "Family doctor?"

   "No. A neurologist. They did all kinds of tests. Talked to me. They said there was nothing wrong with me, that I was just a very bright little kid."

   "So… what age was this?"

   "Christ. Six?"

   "Okay. You're six years old. Something is… off, we'll say… and no one knows what it is?"

   "Yeah. I grew up like that. All I knew? The other kids in general didn't like me. I kept asking my mom what was wrong with me, that I didn't have any friends. Why were all the other kids so mean to me."

   "Go on. Give me examples."

   "Do we really have to go into this? This is ancient history. None of this matters now."

   "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. You can if it's okay. I would prefer we talked about it, if it's all right…"

   "Fine. I didn't have any friends."

   "That means you had few friends. No one has no friends…"

   "I had no friends. None. The other kids didn't want to play with me. Every time I went out to play with the other kids? It was like everyone just kind of teamed up on me, and picked on me, and… I had to just learn to be by myself. I got used to it."

   "You had to have some friends, honey…"

   "Merry? As kids, you know how little kids have birthday parties?"

   "Sure."

   "Well. I remember I had one. Neighborhood kids all came over for my birthday party. I was excited as shit. It's my cake. I get presents. We're all gonna play birthday games. Pin the tail on the donkey. Blind man's bluff. That age bracket. I liked all the dinosaur books and built dinosaur models, so, I had an Allosaurus on my birthday cake. I was psyched, honey!"

   "Sure. Birthday parties. Christmas… those are a little kid's happiest memories, honey."

   "Not for me."

   "What happened?"

   "I was all happy all the kids came over for my party. The other kids were… trying to… exclude me. Like they did when I went out to play on normal days. At my own fucking birthday party."

   "Go on…"

   "I remember… being so… happy? Yeah, fucking happy… that all the kids are over. Then? The one kid, he explained it to me."

   "What did he explain to you?"

   Panic went back to his almost sub-audible volume.

   "Merry? Please don't get scared. Like you did… that night."

   "Honey. I'm not scared of you. What?"

   Panic turned to look at her. Sitting next to her in bed. Warm and comfortable with his woman. His voice was low and even. Too even. Emotionless. Blank face. Thousand yard stare.

   "He told me… I hate you, you retard. I'm only here because your mom came over and talked to my mom. My mom made me come to your stupid party. Then? He got the other kids to admit the same thing. Just about all of them agreed with him."

   "What did you do?"

   The cold, vacant face and the quiet emotionless voice spoke to her…

   "What could I do. Nothing. I just went in the house. Let the kids play my birthday games without me. In my own back yard. I went and hid in the bathroom. Cried."

   "Honey. That's… horrible."

   The blank, robotic voice and face disappeared in a flash. The bright twinkling eyes, full of amusement and merrymaking, were back.

   "Hey. Little kid shit, you know? Who gives a fuck… I turned out okay, right?"

   Then? In another flash, it vanished. The cold, emotionless robot was back.

   "That's pretty much an overview of how the entire young childhood went, Merry."

   "When… did this shit… stop?"

   The Panic she knew, the comedian, the sarcastic guy with an easy smile and a quick wink and smile, was back. Flashing her his wry half-grin…

   "Ha. So… that little boy we're talking about?"

   "Yeah…"

   "You can just imagine what it was like growing up. The teasing and the… exclusion. It quickly turns into something else. Doesn't take long for the boys to hit their pecking order phase. Wanna guess who was the kid that everyone picked on was?"

   "I see where this is going…"

   "Yeah. I mean, everybody gets picked on as a kid or in their teens. It's a normal part of childhood. I know that. At least, that's what I hear. That's what I read in books about what a normal childhood development is supposed to be like."

   "Aw, honey…"

   "No. You stop. You stop right there. Don't you dare feel sorry for me. Yeah. I was that kid. The kid that everyone had fun with. Every day at school. Every single day. Non stop. My dad tried to get me to fight back? Didn't work. They just get bigger kids to do it if they need to. Or, they just take three or four of them to do it. Whatever."

   "Honey… that's not normal…"

   "No. No, it's definitely not normal, is it. That's how I knew."

   "How you knew what?"

   "That's how I knew I wasn't… normal."

   "So… what did you do?"

   "Ha. Couldn't do anything about it. Spent my entire childhood… wishing… fantasizing… about what I would become, when I grew up. Wanna take a wild ass guess, what I wished for?"

   "I know. You sat around wishing you could become… a tough guy."

   "Give science girl a cigar."

   "What… what did you do all day. Every day. Summers?"

   Panic smiled easily…

   "Read books. Build models. Spend all my time with my little dog. My dog. My best friend. I mean, literally. My dog was my actual best friend. I… don't know how to… explain this part."

   "What part?"

   "Me. My dog. Later on, my cat."

   "Without childhood friends… you spent time reading, and being with your dog and cat. Makes sense."

   "I didn't… understand people. People? Sure as fuck, didn't understand me. But animals? Totally different story. I would sit and talk with dogs and cats, like they were people. The animals? They respond to me. I hug and kiss them, and they love me. They love me, just for being me."

   "You… this all went on… your entire childhood?"

   "Oh hell yeah."

   "You… didn't bond socially with any of the children?"

   Panic laughed easily, like it was a punch line to a funny joke. He was amused, it would seem.

   "Not unless getting beat up and picked on, is fucking 'bonding'. I tried. Never worked. In the summers? I would go and try to play with them, but… I'd end up coming home. Sulking. Crying. My dog? Would be all concerned. He would… comfort me. Give me… love. It… made me feel better. He just knew I felt really bad. That dog could feel it. He cared…"

   "I've seen you with dogs and cats. I understand now. It makes perfect sense."

   "Snakes. Frogs. Mice. Goats. I can… really connect. I mean, connect emotionally with animals. In… some way I never could, with the other children. With most people."

   "Honey? I want you to keep going, but, when this is over? I want you to know, I have good news for you, when we're done. But for now… keep going…"

   "Merry, the fuck else you wanna know? I told you I had a bad childhood. I fixed it when I got older. I'm all better now. It's water under the bridge."

   "You… hated the other children."

   "I did. I won't lie. I wanted… revenge. And it wasn't just the children. It was like, there were some of the adults, who should know better? They were in on it too. Imagine it… adults. A few parents? A few teachers? Picking on me when they could get away with it, like the children did. Would actually lie on me, then flash me that shit eating grin… ha ha, I got you, nothing you can do about it, you little weirdo. That fucking look… so yeah, I grew up wanting revenge."

   "You had to fight back. How did that go?"

   "Do you really wanna hear this?"

   "Yeah. If it doesn't hurt to talk about it. Sure."

   "Trust me. Nothing hurts me. I got over that? A really long time ago, trust me."

   "Yeah. I guess you had to."

   Panic chuckled easily.

   "Balls."

   "What about your balls?"

   "Not my love balls, regular balls. When you're in first grade at Catholic school? You get a whole hour for lunch and play. Tennis balls and those foam footballs, were some of a little boy's most prized possessions to play with."

   "Okay. What about them?"

   "My dad would buy me a can of tennis balls like I asked for. The other kids? Would grab me and steal my tennis ball every day. Throw it up on the roof. Laugh. Seems silly now, but, as a kid? Heartbroken."

   "Go on…"

   "My parents grew up poor, but, by the time I came along? My dad had a good job. In the steel mill. My mom was always concerned about money, even though she didn't have to be. Because they grew up poor."

   "So?"

   "Well. My mom would bitch and moan and yell at me, we're not buying you cans of tennis balls every week, just so you can lose them, and let the other kids take them every day. You have to learn to take care of your things. You're not getting any more balls, until you learn how to take care of them."

   Merry realized Panic was imitating his mother's voice, inflections, tone… everything.

   "Oh shit… it wasn't your fault…"

   "Right. Anyways, one day? I guess once a year, the janitors would go up on the roof. I guess to, seal the roof and that. They would throw all the balls down to all us kids at once when they did that."

   "Oh. So, you got your balls back…"

   "All these fucking tennis balls are just raining down, like Christmas. It's mostly all mine, but, I could only get so many of them. Kids are all pushing and shoving, taking them. It's like a fucking pinata exploding. Anyways, I ran around and filled my book bag up, with a shitload of tennis balls. I was all proud, to get some of them back, you know?"

   "Okay…"

   "I just ran in the house, all excited jumping around, look mom, look mom… I told you the kids were all throwing my balls up on the roof, and I was excited to get a big book bag of them back. To prove I wasn't just losing them, they were being stolen. I had proof! See mom? You don't have to buy me any tennis balls for a couple weeks now. I take one a day, the kids can only take them one at a time. I don't know, I thought I was helping out with money in the house, you know? Little kid logic."

   "What happened?"

   "My mom started crying. I didn't understand why. My dad took me and sat me down. He looks like he's about to cry. I remember, distinctly. He said… son? I have a good job in the steel mill now. Money's not a problem. You can have as many damn tennis balls as you want. Don't worry about it anymore. My mom wasn't allowed to yell at me for not taking care of my stuff, was all I got out of it. I just remember, that was one of the only days, that I was happy as a little kid in grade school."

   "Panic?"

   "Yes dear."

   "What… what the hell does this have to do with fighting back?"

   "Well. Now that you understand what was going on with my balls?"

   "Yeah…"

   "Well. the best ball a little boy can have in that day and age? Was the Norf football."

   "I remember them…"

   "Right. They didn't throw my Norf footballs away. They would take it, and rip it apart, into little foam pieces. The kids would hold me, while the other kids ripped it to shreds. I would scoop up a pile of foam bits, and take it home. Crying. Showing my parents what the kids did."

   "And… your mom would yell at you…"

   "For not taking care of my stuff. Right. My parents decided? They ordered me, I had to do something about it. What can I do? My mom always told me, you go and you tell a teacher. They'll take care of it, that's their job…"

   "Okay. What did the teacher do?"

   "Well… this is at lunch hour, remember. The teachers would all be in the teacher's lounge. For lunch. You had to knock on the door and wait to be talked to. They didn't like to be disturbed for lunch. That was their time, I guess."

   "But, you had an issue, so…"

   "I did what my mom said. I went and told at the teachers lounge."

   "And…"

   "I remember the one lady teacher being… well, a real smart alack. Her exact words? Little boy, this is our lunch hour too. This isn't important. You need to just go out there, and take care of it the best way you think you can. And, don't bother the adults with this, this is not an emergency. You go and handle it the best way you can."

   "So… what did you do?"

   "Sat and thought about it the rest of lunch. What can I do? My mom ordered me, to go and tell the teachers. The teachers? Told me I wasn't allowed to bother them at lunch. Teachers ordered me to do whatever I had to do, to put a stop to it."

   Merry buried her face in her hands. Panic's cold, emotionless robot face and voice were back for an instant, then it vanished into the wry half grin she knew and liked.

   "You do, exactly as any adult orders you to do. The kid that was the ringleader? When lunch was over, I handled it. The only way I could…"

   "Which was…"

   "A bunch of kids were holding me and doing it, but, this one kid was the ringleader. The only way to put a stop to it? Was to put a stop to him. Simple logic. I did what I was told to do. By the appropriate adult."

   "What did you do…"

   "We got back into class? I made sure I was the last kid into class. I picked up a chair, and I walked right up behind the kid that was the ringleader? I swung that chair and whacked him right over the head, and I continued to swing that chair on him as he laid on the ground, screaming and crying while I beat him with the chair. I clubbed him like a baby seal on a wildlife documentary."

   "Holy shit…"

   "Yeah… I was all excited and happy. The nun first grade teacher? Not so much… she grabbed me up and smacked me across the face a dozen times. I'm crying. She about yanks my arm out the socket dragging me down to the principal's office. Lady nun principal. Mean as piss lady nun principal."

   "What happened?"

   "I had to explain what happened. Why I did it. So? I calmly explained to her why. Step by step. What do I have to fear, I was following my mom's orders, then I followed the teacher's instructions. I didn't do anything wrong."

   "Let me guess… you were in trouble."

   "So, I argued politely with her. She's all concerned because I hurt someone, that was wrong… I demanded to know, politely and quietly, mind you… why were all the other kids, allowed to hurt me every day. Beat me up. Why wasn't that wrong when they all did it. Pick on me. Steal my toys. Steal my coats. No teacher would do anything to them… why was I in trouble the first time I hurt someone back? It wasn't fair. It didn't make any sense to me. It's only wrong when I do it… when all the other kids do it? It's just kids being kids. It's cute."

   "What happened?"

   "A lot. None of it good. Both of my parents are in the principal's office, it turned into a screaming match. I wanna say, the lady nun principal called me a 'vicious little bastard that needed to be in jail', and my dad's screaming back at her now, why in the hell won't you do anything, when the other little bastards steal his 90 dollar winter coat I bought him? Why are the other kids allowed to steal and break every single toy I buy him? Why are they stealing all his baseball cards and he comes home crying. Why won't you do anything when they do it, before it comes to this?"

   "What did the principal lady say to that?"

   Panic imitated her smarmy voice he remembered…

   "Sir? I keep telling you, little children need to learn to sort things out for themselves! Well… that's when my dad lost it… told her to go fuck herself, because… the kids sorted it out themselves, why are we worrying about it then."

   "Oh shit. That went over like a fart in church…"

   "Right. Then? I'm getting quizzed on my 'story' about how the teacher in the teachers lounge? Told me I wasn't allowed to bother the teachers at lunch, that I needed to handle it the best way I could."

   "Well, technically, yeah…"

   "Like I said, this is first grade. Little kid logic. They brought that teacher down? I always did have a great memory. I imitated her voice, and said it exactly how she said it, not just her words. I had to hold a pencil to imitate her cigarette she was smoking in the teacher's lounge…"

   "Did you get in trouble?"

   "Not… not like you think. I didn't get punished at home. Because I did exactly what I was told. The nun that marked my face up, and made my shoulder hurt dragging me all mad down to the office? My parents weren't real happy that now the other kids weren't the only ones marking my face up. The teachers, nuns, were doing it too. My dad was a… well, tough guy in a steel mill. No adult was allowed to lay a hand on me…"

   "But the other kids…"

   "Eh. No one can control what little kids do. Shit went on. I had to go see psychologists and shit. All I understood, was that I wasn't allowed to hurt the other kids, but, they were allowed to hurt me every day. Remember the trip to the neurologist? To see what was wrong with me? Right around then, if you can imagine that…"

   "But… there was nothing wrong with you…"

   "Well, like I said… something was wrong. That much was obvious."

   "What did you do, though…"

   "Nothing. What could I do? I quickly learned, to always hide. Stay away from all the other children. If I don't? I'll get picked on. Beat up. My shit stolen. Broken. If I try to fight back? I just get beat up. Then? I get in trouble for being in a fight. There was no solution. The only solution? Wasn't a solution I was allowed to do, so…"

   "Your parents didn't allow you to fight…"

   "If I got in a fight at school? I was in trouble when I got home. So… the other kids would beat me up, then I pretty much got the same thing, as far as I was concerned, when I got home. Yeah… I learned quick. Hide. Stay away. Always stay where some responsible adult could see me, or else. Lived my whole childhood like that."

   "You… spent your entire childhood like this?"

   "Yeah. It becomes normal. Hide. Stay away. Never talk to anyone, for any reason. The kids come and talk to you? Ignore them, never talk. It only leads to the same thing, over and over again."

   "That… that's horrible!"

   "Eh. I got used to it. There was an up side to it all, though."

   "What the hell was the up side to this ?!?!"

   "You ever hear the phrase, what the gods give with one hand, they take away with the other?"

   "I guess so…"

   "Well, the gods took away something from me, but, they gave me something back, in return."

   "What?"

   "Merry… what books were you reading in first grade?"

   "First grade? Jesus H. Christ… see Jane run. It's first grade, Panic, what do you think."

   "Right. Not me. I could read the newspaper, cover to cover, word for word, like an adult. Couple years before I went to kindergarten. In first grade? I could read a whole novel. I read Bullfinch's Mythology, cover to cover, in first grade."

   "What is that?"

   "Its bigger than the bible. It's basically an encyclopedia, of every mythology story, all in one giant book. Over a thousand pages. I could tell you every single mythology story, in detail. First grade. I had my own library card. I spent every lunch in the library, instead of playing with the other little bastards. The town library, used to be right across the street from the school."

   "So… when you said you spent your childhood reading and building models, I figured you read comic books…"

   "I did read comic books. But, I read adult novels and old college textbooks, too. You wanna know what the first trouble I got into in first grade was?"

   "What… has to be something weird…"

   "Oh yeah. Day one, reading class? All the other kids are fumbling over see Jane run. I mean bad, like… see… Jan… Janny… Jane… roon… run… see… Jane… run…"

   "How did you get into trouble if you could read novels?"

   "I asked the teacher why all the other kids were pretending they couldn't read. I thought everyone could read."

   "What happened?"

   "I got smacked across the face so hard I landed on my ass. These were nuns. If you don't know Catholic school? You don't fuck around with a nun, they'll knock a little kid on their ass, let me tell you…"

   "That was your first day of first grade? Day one?"

   "Yep. Went home with a hand-print on my face. I had to tell my parents what happened, and I was scared to tell them. Thought I was in trouble."

   "Then… the teacher got in trouble?"

   "No. Parents had to go to school for a 'meeting', and the teacher apologized. She thought I was being a smart ass. When she found out I could read a novel, I just didn't have to do reading class ever again."

   "Panic, reading like that, that young? That's not normal…"

   "Merry? Of course it isn't normal. Nothing about me? Is fucking normal."

   "So… you read a lot of books…"

   "Eh… couple hundred pages a day. Every day. Day in, day out. I couldn't wait for summer… I could start a novel in the morning, and finish it before I went to bed, and start the next one…"

   "How long did this go on?"

   "Until my 20s… I didn't quit reading, I… just kind of 12 stepped myself off of reading for pleasure. I only allow myself to read technical material, to study whatever I'm studying at the moment. I can't waste my life reading for fun, only when I have to."

   "What replaced reading then?"

   "Doing things. Studying. Learning. Building. Testing. Designing. Inventing. See, I found out one day… I can study how to work on engines? With technical reference manuals. You can study fighting tactics and strategies. Electronics. Machining. Computer programming. Anything… but? No reading for fun. It prevents a man from doing anything useful."

   "I'm starting to get a much clearer picture now, honey. Now… when did you… change?"

   "My teens. It… it was… time. I had to learn how to talk to people. Remember, I was clinically shy, and wouldn't talk to anyone, for any reason. I would just answer the question, or ask my question and get my answer. That was it."

   "How… did you change?"

   "I watched comedians on TV. I have a memory like you might not believe. I memorized all their jokes and stories and comedy routines. I just walked up to people, and practiced telling jokes. Learning to tell stories. I forced myself to walk up to complete strangers and tell jokes and make them laugh. Being the zany comedian. I studied being funny… like I was studying any other subject."

   "You… it's all an act ?!?!"

   Panic flashed his half smirk and winked at her. The twinkle of wry amusement in his eyes she had liked so much all this time.

   "It was an act at first. But… somewhere along the line? It… took over. It… became my… personality. Before I knew it? A couple years later, I wasn't acting anymore. Be careful what you wish for…"

   "Sports?"

   "That's a weird one. But, weird is normal for me, so…"

   "How did sports go then."

   "When I was young? My parents had that thing, where you make the kid play each and every sport in the world. I wasn't any good at any of them. Eventually? You get old enough, the coach comes and tells your parents? Not being mean, but, the kid sucks. He'll never get to play, no matter how hard he tries. We can't afford to put a kid in so everyone gets to play anymore. Play-time's over, it ain't little league anymore. So? I finally was allowed to stay home and read books like I wanted anyways. Till seventh grade."

   "What happened in seventh grade."

   "Track. I wanted to run. It's a solitary sport. By eighth grade? I ran the mile for my track team in junior high. I took first place in almost every track meet in the mile run. Every once in a while? I came in second. First time in my life? I was an actual sports star. It felt wonderful, honey…"

   Merry smiled. She could see the little kid's energy and enthusiasm when he recounted it. She could see a little sliver of him now, like a brief glimpse into some magical crystal ball that let her see the real him, for a fleeting instant.

   "So… you finally were a star at a sport. You fit in. Kids liked you now… must have felt great…"

   "Oh. Not like you think. The other kids? Still picked on me. That never changed… they only liked me, when I was taking first place in the mile run. Before and after? Back to being the abuse unit. That didn't change."

   "It… it's not supposed to work like that…"

   "Hey, it's me. Normal is out the fucking window, since I was able to walk."

   "But, you liked it?"

   "Yeah. See, I had another gift. I found out, I can take pain. A lot of running? Comes from the ability to simply refuse to quit. The ability to take pain and keep running harder. I… enjoyed running. Remember, its a solitary sport. I got into running 10k runs, the 6.2 mile runs… I was competitive, until a certain age."

   "Then what happened?"

   "Well… the mile run? You have to run a 4 and a half minute mile to be competitive in college. I wasn't that good, so… that was out. I just fell back on running long distance. Remember, I was a loner. The last couple years of high school? I ran 10 miles a day. Every day. For a couple of years. All year round. Rain… snow… high winds… I did seventy miles a week. Week in, week out. I liked it."

   "So… you wanted to run marathons?"

   "Yeah, but… I found out, I didn't have good enough times to be competitive once I got out of high school, so, that was ending. I just kept running for myself after that. Until I got to a certain age, I had to quit. Kills your knees, hun. Didn't want to end up in a wheelchair when I was older."

   "Any other sports?"

   "Eh. Soccer team recruited me. Because I was a long distance runner. Wasn't real good at it, per se. But, I had another personal sport."

   "Go on…"

   "I can swim."

   "Oh. Swim team."

   "No. I can't swim fast. I'm actually slow and pathetic for that kind of swimming. I can swim long distances. Easily. I was taught the trick to it, when I was a little kid."

   "What trick?"

   "See, I grew up near a river. No matter how much you tell kids not to swim in the river? My dad knew I was going to end up in the river anyways. So, my dad took me to swimming lessons when I was, like, six years old."

   "Swim lessons went well then…"

   "Oh no. I sucked. My dad wasn't happy at all, he said I looked like a fish out of water flopping around. In water. Which is kinda hysterically funny, when you think about it…"

   "Yeah, that is ironic…"

   "So, my dad's all concerned I know how to swim. My dad, worked with this old guy. His name was Gus Brackner. Now, Gus was famous. He worked in the mill with my dad, and he didn't teach anyone anymore. He was old."

   "Why did he teach you?"

   "My dad was… some kind of legend in the steel mill. Everyone liked him. Gus would do it for him. So? Gus taught me how to swim one summer. His lessons were very different."

   "How?"

   "Well… you know how there's these polar bear clubs? Assholes jump in the ice water in the rivers everywhere, on New Years Day."

   "Yeah. Every town has one…"

   "Right. Gus was the first one. Ever. Gus swam the English Channel. That used to be a big deal in the old days, doing stunts like that. Gus Brackner? Held the world's record for longest time immersed in ice water below freezing. They don't keep records anymore, and it's not fair to Gus. Men died trying to beat his records. He… has some weird thing where he can do that. He used to swim behind icebreakers. It's where the first polar bear club got started. It was all him. That? Was who taught me to really swim."

   "Whats the difference?"

   "Aw, we did the couple normal strokes, every swim teacher does… for about a week. Then? He made me learn to float on my back. I learned to just float on my back, without moving. Without trying. I can literally fall asleep floating on my back, believe it or not."

   "That's weird…"

   "Yeah. Tell me about it. Anyways, he said, people drown in the river? Not because of suck holes and undertows… that's all bullshit. Doesn't exist in the river, that's a myth. The only reason people drown in the river? Is one reason and one reason only. They get tired, too far out, and they panic. Then, that's how you really drown… me? I can take a break any time I want, for as long as I want. I can fall asleep on my back for hours if I need to. The only swim stroke you use, to swim long distance? Is a very slow, lazy back stroke. I can swim miles, without getting tired. It's easy."

   "Really?"

   "You ever see a river? In flood stage? You know how bad it gets…"

   "Yeah. Dangerous as all hell."

   "No it isn't. Couple times over the years? I jumped in the water in flood stage in the river. Doesn't scare me in the least. What's to fear?"

   "Well, the water's too high…"

   "So? I float. You can swim in the deepest ocean, dummy. How deep the water is, don't mean shit."

   "But… the water's moving too fast…"

   "Again, so what? Throw a cork in fast water… it still floats. What's to be afraid of?"

   "No… there's giant logs flying by, the log hits you? Your dead, you idjit…"

   "Merry. Hate to burst your bubble, honey. The log is floating. I'm floating. I'm moving just as fast as the log… it doesn't hit me, I float with it. The only thing even remotely dangerous in flood water? High… fast… logs… diddly shit. The only thing that's actually dangerous, is if you get trapped up against something… you just aim around things like bridge supports. Easy as pie."

   "Why in the hell would you ever go in the river, during flood stage, with a bad storm… what's the point?"

   "Well, for one thing? All those rich people's expensive boats. They'll pay you anything, to swim out, and attach a thin rope onto their expensive boat. I fucking clean up, anytime there's a flood. I'm the only guy anyone knows that ain't afraid to try it, and what's more? I done it a million times."

   "You're certifiably insane."

   "Am I? I know what I'm doing… it's no big deal, and I make good money doing it. Also? Remember Gus Brackner? He taught me one last thing."

   "I'm afraid to hear it…"

   "Nah. Last two weeks? He taught me the basics of saving a drowning person. I actually got to save a drowning person once. In college. Me and two guys, wanted to swim the river. They swore they could do it, so, we went. One guy? Was fucking doggy paddling. Now, this is a couple hundred yards. So… I stayed near him… watching him…"

   "He ran out of energy, and…"

   "Yeah."

   "What did you do? You can't go onto a person drowning, they'll pull you down and kill you…"

   "Oh. Yeah. Gus told me that… he told me you have to stay away from them, and wait them out…"

   "For what?"

   "Easy. You stay away from them. Wait for them to gas out. When they finally start to go under and actually drown? They go limp. That's when you go get them. They come to, with you floating on your back. Your arm around their neck. Once I did that, it was easy. I just floated on my back, and stroked one arm until I got him to shore."

   "Still sounds… dangerous, to me. What's the guarantee they don't wake up and freak out, and latch onto you, and pull you down…"

   "Oh. That. Honey, they wake up, with my arm around their neck. I'm on my back, one arm stroking in slowly. If they don't listen to me to stay calm? I have no choice. I put them to sleep and keep towing them in. If I have to? I just keep putting them to sleep, until they finally wake up and decide to stay still like I need them to."

   "How… do you put them to sleep?"

   "My arm's around their neck. I just tighten up. Cuts their air off, they go to sleep. When they go limp? I loosen up. After once or twice, they get the idea, and they stay calm. It's pretty easy."

   "You mean to tell me, lifeguards are taught to strangle people?"

   "Oh, no… lifeguards are taught to hit the person. Break their nose. They're already panicked and going under, it settles them down. I don't hit them… I just wait till they pass out and go under… then if I need to put them to sleep? Well, their neck's already in the right place for my choke hold I was taught anyways… and what the hell, it's less damage to them to go to sleep, rather than get beat up. Best thing all the way around…"

   "Honey? I can't help it… I feel sorry for the way you grew up. No one should have to grow up like that…"

   "Don't be sorry. I'm not. I'm happy about it all, once I was old enough to understand."

   "How… can you be happy about it all?"

   "Two things. Remember… what the gods give with one hand, they take away with the other?"

   "Okay…"

   "Well, they took from me… normal childhood. Social skills or whatever… but, they gave me gifts in return to make up for it. Duh. Things I love."

   "Like what?"

   "Remember… I can read college textbooks before I hit first grade. A great memory. I can quote whole chapters of books if I want to. I love animals something fierce, and they love me back. Dangerous animals, even the owners are scared of. I can communicate with them somehow. Being alone? For as long as I want to? Doesn't bother me, I more or less prefer it. Not only can I read quick, and remember all of it? I had all the time in the world to read more."

   "Well…"

   "No well to it. These are great gifts. I can take pain and discomfort? Like nobody's business. All the shit I went through growing up? If that didn't make me give up? Fuck it, nothing and nobody can make me quit. Nothing can stop me. Where normal people freak out, or, get all emotional and shit? Fuck that… I can shut my emotions off like a light switch when I feel like it. I spent so much of my childhood, simply terrified? I learned to deal with being scared. It doesn't affect me. I can think and plan, when normal people lose their shit. I had no choice but to learn how to deal with it."

   "Okay. This is all very strange to me, but… how did you learn to deal with people in the end? You… don't have any trouble socially now… where did that come from…"

   "Oh. That. Easy. Two things did it. One, remember… I learned to become a zany comedian. I can run up to strangers, and entertain them, right?"

   "Yeah…"

   "Remember all the books?"

   "All right…"

   "Sociology textbooks. Once I found books on dog pack behavior, and primate behavior? I learned to view human animals through that lens… then? Everything made perfect sense. Duh, science girl."

   "Human… animals… ? What the---"

   "Yeah. We're just animals. Human mammal behavior? Most closely resembles dog pack behavior, and primate behavior. I learned that all the people in the world, are just animals. Operating on instinct, with all the shit they put through them. The rest was easy. I no longer hated people. I understood them, and what they were doing."

   "How… does this explain to you, what the other children were doing to you growing up?"

   "All animals do it. When one animal acts weird? They torture it, and try to kill it and drive it away. So it can't mate. So whatever it is that's wrong with it, won't get into the gene pool. It's how mother nature gets rid of the rejects. It's normal behavior for mammals."

   "How… does this make you happy?"

   "Well… weren't you listening? It's not the human dog pack's fault. They're just doing what mother nature programmed them to do. Mother nature, will simply kill you, or make you stronger. Survival of the fittest. The human primate pack? Wanted to make me stronger. Smarter. Faster. It didn't kill me, or make me quit. It made me into what I am. It was the greatest gift I could ever have been given, on top of all the other gifts. I'm blessed."

   "Oh, shit. Oh, my fucking god…"

   "What?"

   "I'm getting a clear picture of it all now…"

   "What?"

   "All this all came together, when you got to hang around with the… with your… boyfriends in the equator. Didn't it?"

   Panic smiled easily. Gave her a little hug.

   "Yeah. It… honey? It was the first time in my life… I… I didn't have to act like something I wasn't. I could just… be myself. The real… me. And, it was fine. They were… I don't know how to explain it, hun. Well, they were just like the animals treated me. They… just accepted me, for who I was. They didn't care. They liked it."

   "You… you don't mean your team… do you… you mean…"

   "Yeah. Them. Honest to god. Some of the most dangerous men on the planet? Took me in. Made me one of their own. It was… wonderful."

   "They… they just took you in. Just like that."

   "Well, you gotta pass the muster. They're not going to take in just anyone. You gotta prove you're worth something, obviously. I mean… duh."

   "I'm afraid to ask how they do that…"

   "Ah. They picked on me. Teased me. I mean, what the fuck is that going to do to me, right? Day at the fucking office."

   "And?"

   "Well, then they tried bullying me. Like that's going to get them anywhere… try again. Been there, done that. Got the T shirt on that one…"

   "Oh good god…"

   "Well, you gotta prove you ain't a pussy, obviously. I got knocked the fuck out and choked out more times than I can count. That ain't gonna phase me, obviously…"

   "Then what, they set you on fire?"

   "No. Last thing, they asked me… did I really want to be one of them? The Airborne Rangers couldn't make me quit, so… two fucking Navy Seals took a crack at it."

   "I just know I'm going to regret hearing this…"

   "Ah. They said, if I would let them drown me? They'd let me play with them. So? I said let's get it over with."

   "Drown you?"

   "Yeah. You wanna join the club? You have to go through the same initiation they did, so… four guys held me underwater, until I blacked out. It's safer than it sounds… after you black out, they bring you up, and give you mouth to mouth. Oh, don't look at me like that… these are professionals. They know what they're doing. Then? They asked if they could do it again. I said go ahead. Get it over with."

   "So, you let them drown you twice…"

   "Oh, no. Once I said okay? They all cheered. Took me in. They threw me a fucking party. Said I could be their mascot. I was allowed to train with them after that. That was the fun part. They call it… 'playtime'."

   "Honey. You… you're not supposed to have to risk your life, just to have… friends."

   The robot came back.

   "Little one? I guess you weren't listening. These weren't just acquaintances. These were real friends. That… I think that was the first party, anyone ever threw for me. That I was invited to. They actually liked me. They wanted me, to come and do playtime after that. When we were on leave? They insisted on taking me with them. Into town. They wanted me with them. I was finally a member of a peer group. We'd get drunk, eat exotic food. Fuck with the locals, trying to meet pretty foreign girls. These scary guys would put their arm around me, and tell me they loved me. That I was their brother. These men, will die to protect you. And you do it back for them. It's a family."

   "This seems rational to you?"

   "Nothing could be more rational in the world. Think about it, hun. Fear of being made fun of. Gone. Fear of being different and not fitting in. Gone. Fear of pain, fear of discomfort? Gone. Being in shape. Being smart… I already had all that, before I met them. What they really did? They took me the last few steps I needed to take. They simply took away the last fear a man can shed."

   "What's that?"

   "Duh. Fear of dying. They literally killed me, then brought me back. Dared me, to do it again. I said okay. Don't you see it? That took fear of death, and crumpled it up and threw it away, like the useless piece of paper it really was. What's the use, of living your whole life, having an irrational fear of death? Fuck that."

   "This… is good?"

   "Fuck yeah! Everyone's going to die, sooner or later. No getting out of that one, no matter how hard you try. But… once you get rid of it? You can truly live after that."

   "I… guess I can sort of see where you're coming from. I mean, sort of, anyways… kinda…"

   "Look at it this way, honey. You know how some people get a trained attack dog? Now… if someone attacks you, what does that dog do. With no question, without… even thinking twice about it? It protects you. It automatically defends you, to the death. No questions asked. With everything it has in it, right?"

   "Yeah…"

   "Well? Why not be your own attack dog. Why not simply do it for yourself. That's all it really is."

   "You… have a way, of making this sound way too rational."

   Panic suddenly went from normal tone of conversation, and suddenly sounded concerned.

   "Merry?"

   Merry just laid her warm cheek on his chest. Rubbed his stomach lightly.

   "What?"

   Panic instantly went back to a normal tone of conversation.

   "Are… you okay? Are we… all right?"

   "Yeah. We're fine. Why?"

   "I… was afraid of this talk… I… don't want you to look at me funny. I don't want…"

   Merry was getting slightly groggy, it was late at night and she was starting to get sleepy again. She smiled, and kissed his chest once, a friendly little peck on the pec.

   "Don't worry, hun. No, I'm not scared of you. Not at all. Don't worry about anything like that. I just wanted to understand you a little. It's fine. Go to sleep."

   "Merry?"

   "What…"

   "You promised me…"

   Merry groggily questioned him with her warm breath into his neck as she nestled into him…

   "What did mommy promise you?"

   "You… promised you'd tell me something? What was it…"

   "Oh. We talked about some of this before. We talked about it a lot more just now. Let me guess… your boyfriends, down at the equator? They convinced you, that you were some kind of… sociopath, or, a psychopath or whatever, right? They did… you said it last time."

   "Well. Yeah… they said, I was one of their own."

   "I hate to bust your precious little tough guy bubble, mister tough guy. Your not a fucking sociopath. Science boy is a retard if he bought into that bullshit… I told you, I'm tired. We'll do this tomorrow morning. Mommy promises."

   "Oh, come on. I can't sleep now, waiting on a bomb like that."

   "Do you really wanna go into that? Right now?"

   "Sure."

   "Let's get this over with then…"

   Merry smiled her signature lascivious and mischievous smile. She was sleeping in her leather mini, without her loincloth on underneath. She quickly slung her leg over his hips, and was on him in an instant. Smirking.

   "All right, mister forest for the trees. You? Will shut the fuck up, and you'll listen to me? You got that?"

   Panic smiled and nodded.

   She poked him in the chest with her index finger. Hard.

   "You better. I'm only going through this once, you got that? Get the wax out of your ears…"

   Panic nodded again.

   "Now listen up. Sociopaths… psychopaths… whatever the fuck you call them… you ain't one, and that's final. Here we go. When you were little, you felt bad, when the kids did things to you, right?"

   Panic nodded.

   "They don't feel emotional pain like that. You do. Strike one. You love animals, right? It feels good, to curl up with a cat, doesn't it? You can't lie to me, I've seen it. That's love, you idiot. They don't feel that, either. You do. Strike two."

   Panic furrowed his brow. She grabbed him rough by the chin like she did on occasion.

   "You talked about getting over fears when you were little. Fear of the dark. Fear of heights. Fear of fighting… you overcame a long list of fears… hello? They don't have fear, to overcome. You want to hear more?"

   Panic nodded.

   "Good. You wouldn't hurt a cat or a dog, would you? Not if you didn't have to for some reason, right? Why not. You fucking answer me why not, and don't you dare lie to me… right now!"

   "I… just can't…"

   "That? That's fucking empathy. You just put yourself in the little cat's shoes, and you know what its like to be hurt and tortured, so, you wouldn't wanna do that to the cat, right?"

   Panic nodded.

   "You feel empathy for other living creatures. They definitely don't have empathy. You do. You need more? I can do this all fucking night, till the goddamned sun comes up… those villagers. Being slaughtered? You said, and I quote… I got over it quickly… you didn't say, you didn't feel anything, you said you got over it quick. They? Don't need to get over it, they simply don't feel it to get over it, in the first place."

   Panic didn't know what to do, so he did nothing.

   "I might not be able to tell you what you are, and you're definitely something, I can tell you that much, but… you're not a goddamned psycho. Here's all you are, again, whatever it means… When you were little? You feel. From what I can see? The entire range of human emotions… they just don't show on your face… That? Is what the problem was. It makes people feel funny, and when people feel funny? They act out. Because they get nervous. Because it scares them."

   Panic again, did nothing.

   "You pretty much, for all intents and purposes? Gave up your whole way of life, just to help people, that you never met in your life. Now? You're doing it again! They definitely would never do that… they never give, they just take."

   Nothing.

   "Now. I'm about to allow you to speak. Not yet though… because your emotions don't show on your face? You found out, by accident… that when you smile and play comedian? It works. It gives you something on your face, to show people. You learned that when you make people laugh? It makes them feel better. So, that is… your personality. It's a silly fun personality. When you're happy? You do a little dance and make a joke. When you're embarrassed? You look down at the ground. When you're sad? You get real quiet. What you don't show on your face? You just learned to show with your body. Like a deaf person doing sign language."

   He smiled. The smirking wry grin she liked.

   "You know something? It's funny. You told me? All about PTSD and trauma… you don't even realize, your childhood was one gigantic fucking trauma. You were traumatized, for so long? You got used to it, and don't even realize it. That, is why you're able to shut your emotions down and ignore them. That's why adrenaline doesn't do anything to you, you're so used to living under adrenaline, it doesn't phase you. They? Don't feel adrenaline, they feel nothing. You're just so used to adrenaline when you were young, those psychos you had for playmates thought you don't feel it. That thousand yard stare you have? That didn't hurt them thinking that too."

   He smiled more.

   "Now? I want you to look me in these two eyes, and you fucking tell me, what I am to you. You said you learned to study the human animals, to learn why they do the shit they do, right? What kind of fucking human animal am I to you? Huh? You look me right in my eyes… and you fucking tell me! Right now. You're allowed to speak. Do it…"

   "I… I don't…"

   Merry smiled very mischievously, and smacked him smartly across his cheek. Fairly hard.

   "You open your mouth? And you answer me. Right… fucking… now."

   She did it again, on his other cheek.

   "Speak!"

   "I don't wanna offend you, I…"

   "That's it. I've had it."

   Merry reached over, and grabbed the hot pepper jar, which one he didn't know. She had all four of them as a gift when her friend had left them with her…

   "This… is a hot pepper. I will take one out? I will chew it up, and I will kiss you. I promise you, your mouth will be on fire. I swear, you will cry. Then? You won't get the milk kiss, until I get my answer, do you understand? Try me… you open your mouth, and you answer me. What kind of human animal am I to you? Speak!"

   "I…"

   "I am going to count to three… and if you don't answer me? I swear, you are going to wish you did… one…"

   "You…"

   "Two."

   "All right! You're my cat! You happy? I said it… now you're pissed…"

   Merry sat up. Regarding him coolly.

   "Explain that… now. Don't worry how I'll take it, just fucking explain it. Don't think. Don't plan it. Just talk…"

   Panic made a face that looked like something reminiscent of a little kid admitting he stole the cookies out of the jar.

   "When I was little, my dog? My best friend. He made me feel good. No matter what. Now? It's my cat. When he curls up on me, and sleeps with me? I feel… warm and fuzzy all over. It relaxes me. There. You happy? You're my cat."

   "Hm."

   Merry put the pepper jar down. Laid down on him. Pulled the sleeping bag up and around them again. Zipped it up and settled herself down onto him. She kissed him, slowly, and wouldn't quit.

   "That…"

   "Is…"

   "Fine…"

   "By…"

   "Me."

   With the 'me', she refused to quit the slow kiss. She settled her hips down onto him, and held him down with her body. Entwined her fingers in his. Pressed her legs and arms down and onto him. Started her nothing routine. She barely moved, other than kissing him. It took her a while, to finally give him the final couple of hip flicks and laughed when it was over.

   Nothing stopped. Mild turbulence followed, until the second flight was underway. They were both tired and worn out, and covered in sweat. The sleeping bag was open and off now, because she had to sit up on him to both hold him down as best she could, while administering the mild turbulence required for the intermittent starting and stopping for flight number two.

   Flight number one had been silent and contrasted sharply with flight number two, which had the predictable mild constant turbulence, and an increasing noise level from the over-stimulation she laughed at and enjoyed.

   Merry laughed through the attempted third flight. Which did nothing to drown out his own noise. She laughed and told him to keep it down, which was of course more or less impossible. When he said "no" one too many times… she laughed, sweating profusely just like he was, and whispered in his ear as she held her body down on his…

   "I warned you about this, didn't I? Try telling me 'no' with my panties in your mouth…"

   And she did as she promised. She had been switching her hands covering his mouth to stifle his increasing noise level. First one hand covering it, then the other. To punctuate her promise, the next hand switch buried a pair of her panties in his mouth, and she held them in for the rest of the attempted third flight. With either hand, or with her own mouth pressed tightly on his.

   With the predictably high turbulence of the attempted but never completed flight number three, it degenerated into more or less a complete free for all. The conversation, then the after party had started in the late hours of the night. The uncompleted flight number three that never got finished, crash landed in a pile of sweat and complete exhaustion on both of their parts. After the sunlight had made cute little bars of light that crawled in from little cracks around the door. Little bars of warm sunbeams that Bitty Kitty would roll over to stay in.

   Merry pulled the double sleeping bag up around them and zippered it up. The morning chill shivered them now that the exercise was over. They huddled up next to each other, in the puddle of sweat and bodily fluids neither one of them cared about, and by now enjoyed.

   Merry yanked her panties out of his mouth, and threw the soaked cotton undergarment on the pillow between their wet necks, and he was about to fall asleep with her slow, hot breathing into his neck that he always favored. She slid her sweat greased arm down and around his neck, and slung her arm over him and her leg up and over him, as she had done on their first couple nights.

   "You're not going anywhere now, are you…"

   He scraped his head "no" a couple times.

   "Your cat do that for you ?"

   He scraped another couple "no" motions out.

   "Imagine that… I bet you can sleep now, huh?"

   He scraped "yes" a few times as he was passing out into dreamland.

   "Good. You try to get up? Yer getting a hot pepper kiss, and I mean a hot one, and you will not get any milk. I just dare you."

   Panic had no idea exactly how long he slept, but it had to have been far into the day. Someone knocked, he was fairly sure of it, but he just nestled back into her in the sleeping bag without barely stirring. If they opened the door and backed out, he didn't really register it. Not that he really would have cared if he did notice it anyways. Captain's orders, were to sleep. He slept. How a captain somehow outranked a Colonel, didn't really bother him.

   He didn't wake up until sometime in the early afternoon, and then only because Merry was laughing and had pounced on him asleep and decided to play the "hot pepper game" with her mouth on his, and teased him for milk kisses. Afterwards, she put her leather loincloth on under her leather mini. Added her lace up knee moccasins and tied on her leather tube top. Led him with entwined fingers, holding hands down to the creek.

   They walked much farther up the creek for privacy than normal, and Merry went for a swim bath in just the loincloth. Making faces and eye contact, teasing him and laughing. He had to watch her show for a while until he was "allowed" to undress and get into the water with her. She finally threw her loincloth up onto the rock. Merry had her "shower fun" in the creek instead of her shower at home, and played the toothpaste game with him. When she was done shaving her legs, sitting on a rock at the waters edge with him standing there at her legs watching… she took a new leg razor out, and using her cold cream for shaving cream just like she had on her legs, she shaved his face and neck.

   "All right. My turn to shave for you again, hun. What do you want? Normal hair… shaved clean… maybe a racing stripe? Pick one."

   Panic was puzzled for a minute, until she pointed between her legs, right in front of his face.

   "Oh. Uhm… I want a little, square… I don't know what to call it. A little… Hitler's mustache? At the top."

   Merry smiled and nodded, and slowly created it for him while he watched.

   "Like that? Is that what you wanted? Hmm? All right… go on… inspect it… make sure you like it."

   When they were done, she put her loincloth back on, and they stayed in the water a while, splashing like little kids swimming and playing. Then, they laid up against each other on a huge beach towel they had picked up in town a few days back, drying off in the sun. She addressed him with firm eye contact, and her hands pressed on either side of his face.

   "You remember what we talked about last night? Hmm?"

   "Yeah…"

   "Well? You listen to me, and you listen good. There's not a goddamn thing wrong with you, mister. Not… a fucking… thing. I spent the past ten twelve years? Going through a damn string of selfish assholes. You know why I jumped on you? I told you before… I was eavesdropping on your conversation, and I couldn't believe my ears, when you said you gave up your whole life and job, to help people you never met. I never heard of a thing like that, much less ever seen it with my own eyes. There's nothing wrong with you, there's something very right about you… everyone else is wrong. You got that?"

   Panic nodded.

   "You wanna know what kind of human animal you are to me? Hmm? You curious?"

   He nodded again.

   "I don't know… you're just some kinda… big dog or cat. Is that okay?"

   "No better compliment, I guess. At least, the way I look at things."

   "Good. And hey…"

   "Yeah?"

   "Last night… I asked you a lot of personal questions. You all right with that?"

   "It's fine."

   She smiled and gave him a peck.

   "Okay. Anything… you wanna know? About me."

   "Nothing I really care about, I guess."

   "Ask anyways."

   "I never see you lay out. In the sun. You're still tan…"

   "Why do you think that is?"

   "I don't care if you're a fucking Martian…"

   Merry smiled easily, her head supported on her hand, her arm propped up with her elbow.

   "I have a little bit of Indian in me, and a lot of Italian in me."

   Panic gave her a little peck.

   "Okay. Now? You've been getting a little Irish in you, too…"

   Merry smiled, then started laughing, and rolled onto her back, laughing out loud and piston-ed her legs.

   "You sure you don't care if I can't really cook very well? We're not gonna have Skykid here forever, you know."

   Panic deadpanned his reply…

   "It's okay. I seem to like eating Italian, just fine."

   Merry laughed and kicked her legs again. He enjoyed watching her tan body jiggle around when she did that. There didn't seem to be much he didn't enjoy about her, at least nothing that came to mind.

   "Anything else, while I'm telling it?"

   "You really can't get pregnant?"

   Merry pouted for effect.

   "No. I have a defective twat…"

   "Really? It seems to work just fine… you'd think I would have noticed…"

   "Well, it works just fine for that… so yeah, you can fuck me, all you want. I can't cook, and I can't make babies."

   "Hmm. Sounds like a challenge."

   "A guy I kinda liked a long time ago? The… guy that brought me to the city."

   "Yeah."

   "When he found out I can't make babies, I guess that was the beginning of the end even though it wasn't supposed to be. You're telling me you don't care?"

   Panic grinned.

   "We both have a cat. That's fine. Besides… it takes years to litter train a baby…"

   Merry belly laughed and kicked her legs again, holding her stomach with her hands on opposing elbows across her midsection.

   "I can't believe we still have the rest of the first month left, and we get another month doing this. My girlfriends at work? Would be so jealous of me, if they only knew…"

   "Really? Why."

   "Duh. If a girl at work starts fucking some rich guy? They get taken to some beach in the middle of winter. Then, the rest of us girls never hear the end of it, it's ridiculous."

   "Really?"

   "Yeah."

   "Hmm. What's the big deal. You're out in the woods. Living in a shotgun shack, with a crazy man."

   "No, silly. We're on vacation, in a way. The girl at work? She bragged all year, because she got, what… five days on a cruise? Fuck her… I get two months vacation. In a romantic cabin in the woods. Private. Remote. If I wanna go into town? I get armed bodyguards, like I'm some kind of princess. I gotta change my panties twice a day."

   "You really like it here? I was worried, you wouldn't like it."

   "Like it? I love it… I don't wanna leave. Look at us right now."

   "Merry… when this is all over. Your… case. My case… When it's all done? We can stay here, if you want to."

   "Really?"

   "Yeah. I just need to bring a couple things from my house, to here. Once I know it's working out, though… yeah. I'm supposed to run the RLB long-range. Greens-keeper. Manage George's property."

   "What's… George need you managing his property for. He's been managing it before you got here, didn't he?"

   "Yeah. George gets by, but… a giant property like this? He's supposed to be making money with animals. He can't do it. The coyotes and the other predators eat him out of house and home, and he can't keep a herd."

   "Oh, I get it. You, and your boyfriends…"

   "We have fun hunting the bad animals… and, that makes him able to keep animals that will make him money."

   "You're serious about this."

   "Yeah."

   "Where do we live? In our cabin?"

   "No."

   "What, do we live in a fucking tent with the cow herd? Yuck."

   "No, silly. I'll build us a bigger cabin. With insulation. We already have electric out here. We'll have water next spring."

   "A bigger cabin? Really?"

   "Yeah. You wouldn't mind that?"

   "Mind it? Our cabin's bigger than my fucking motel apartments I've been living in for the last ten years, honey. I get an even bigger one? How much rent does it cost."

   "It doesn't cost anything. I'm the greens-keeper for the long-range, remember. Greens-keeper always gets free room and board. Mostly free food. Free electric. Free water."

   "We can have anything we want in our cabin?"

   "Nobody cares. What do you want?"

   "Nothing much. I only have a bedroom and a shower."

   "Anything we can drag home we're allowed to put in it. It's our cabin."

   "Panic?"

   "Yes…"

   "Close your eyes… I wanna try something."

   "Honey? Don't be offended if I don't wanna file a flight plan right now…"

   "Not that kinda game…"

   "Oh, good. My shoulder? I'm not sure I should be doing heavy labor yet…"

   "Funny. I want you to just lay there, keep your eyes closed, and answer my questions. Okay? No… peeking…"

   "We'll start easy. What color is my hair?"

   "Brunette. Brown hair. As a straight white male, I'm not qualified to say something like 'chestnut brown' or anything like that…"

   "And if I made you pick a brown color name?"

   "Oh. Chocolate brown. Not regular chocolate… dark chocolate. Can I claim to be straight saying dark chocolate?"

   "Yes dear. Science girl has tested your straightness, and found it to be pretty straight."

   "What a relief."

   "My eyes?"

   "Brown."

   "Just brown?"

   "Oh, there's flecks of something else in there. It changes. But, mostly brown."

   "How tall am I?"

   "You're… almost 6 foot tall. You're over 5'10". Say, 5'11"…"

   "How much do I weigh?"

   "Merry, don't you know this stuff already?"

   "Oh you're funny… come on…"

   "Ain't no way you're 200 pounds. I'd guess more than 170, though."

   "What flaws can you think of on me."

   "I always try not to mention the third eye in the middle of your forehead…"

   "Come on, try…"

   "You have a couple of scars on your legs and arms. Nothing big, nothing major. If I had to guess? Playing sports in high school, roughhousing as a kid, that kind of thing."

   "What do you like about my body, other than you seem to enjoy my twat."

   "Hmm. I like tall girls just fine. Lotta guys don't like tall strong girls. I do. I like the tan, it makes me think you look… healthy. I like the strong legs. You have the kind of legs that are muscular, but, soft and curvy too. I like the way when you stand on your tiptoes? I can see a round calf pop out. I hate skinny calves on a girl. They look like sticks. I'm glad you don't diet yourself down to a stick, I hate that. I like the round hips and you have some thighs. Like I said, it looks muscular, but, soft. Nice soft bum."

   "Someone is a leg man, huh?"

   "I'm a toss up between a leg man, and a butt man. Legs win the race by a hair though, I think."

   "Move around my body with your eyes closed. Tell me what you like other than my legs. Be specific."

   "Hmm. Your arms and shoulders are like your legs. Strong, but… curvy and soft. You have nice hands. Pretty and feminine, but, you don't have those tiny weak girl hands. I don't mind a girl with a strong grip. Your back? I like the way I can feel something more than just ribs and spine. When you move around? I like feeling some meat."

   "Keep going."

   "I'm used to sizing guys up. For fighting. You have nice thick wrists and ankles. Solid bones. I like the way I can feel tendons and stuff move and flex when you pull around when I grab at your wrists or ankles."

   "You like strong girls…"

   "Yes. I do. But, you're soft and feminine too."

   "You're a leg man, but you're not a foot guy, are you?"

   "In general? I more or less dislike feet. I hate when women have weird or ugly feet. On the internet? They call it being a 'foot-fag'? I guess I'm the reverse… I'm not into feet, I'm against them. That said? All I know, is some women can wear sandals or walk around barefoot, and it's fine… and some women? I wish they wouldn't. Yours are fine. Coming from me, a guy that isn't into feet? I guess that's a compliment."

   "What color nail polish do I wear?"

   "You don't use black, but, dark colored."

   "Do I wear makeup?"

   "Uhm… you wear some, I've seen you do a few things getting ready for work, but, you don't paint yourself up like the Sistine chapel. Your hair? I like the way you seem to wash it and don't go nuts playing with it before you leave. I like the way you sometimes just towel dry and do a ponytail."

   "Do… you like women that get all dolled up all the time?"

   "I mean, is a custom paint job on a show car nice and all? Sure. But… then you're not allowed to touch the car getting in and out. It's for show only. I don't want a show car that needs an hour of polishing to take it out. I want a car you hose it off, and go."

   "Do you like the way I dress?"

   "I like the way you look in jeans and jogging shoes just fine. I like seeing you in your work outfit just fine, too. I will admit, your little sports outfits drive me nuts."

   "Someone sounds like they prefer tomboys and sports girls, over girly girls, huh?"

   "Oh yeah. Look… I buy the product. I don't give three shits about the packaging, the stickers, the advertisements. I don't care how it looks on the TV? I wanna feel it in my hand, I wanna know how it looks using it. Day in. Day out. Honestly? I think you're cute, pretty, gorgeous… but, you have something extra, I can't put my finger on it… something that makes you… I don't know, like no guy could complain."

   "Okay. I'm done torturing you. I know guys hate when girls do these things. You're off the hook."

   "Sorry my guy magazines don't have things like this so I can't do it back. Do… you like the 'package' you're getting with me? You don't have to close yer eyes."

   Merry smiled easily at him.

   "Very much."

   Panic laced his fingers behind his head, crossed his ankles, stretched and relaxed. Closed his eyes slowly and sighed gently.

   "All I needed."

   "You don't need all the details?"

   "Nah. You like me or you don't. You like me? That's all that matters to me."

   "Were you always this simplistic and direct?"

   "Ha, how I wish. If I've learned one thing in life? If you worry about every last little detail about everything… it defeats your purpose. You set out to win the war, not every battle that comprises it. If Merry is my 'military objective'? It's about one thing… Merry likes me. Merry is happy with me. If it's working? Don't try to fix it. If you're winning? Don't change your strategy."

   They laid there in silence for a bit. Panic could hear her breathing when the slight mild breeze took a little break before blowing again.

   "Cat got your tongue, dear?"

   "No. Why?"

   "The only other thing I can think of? Guy magazine kinda thing? Came off a website…"

   "All right."

   "There's two kinds of guys. All guys are concerned with how their girl looks, I mean, everyone knows that…"

   "Sure. Okay."

   "The… article. It said most guys are actually more concerned with what the girl looks like when she's out. If all his buddies hoot and holler, then, he's happy."

   "And… the other kind of guy?"

   "Right. Some guys, care about what the girl actually looks like. To them. The article said, that if you really wanna know if you think she's gorgeous and turns you on? You have to see her raw. Is the girl just as hot the next morning, compared to the girl you went to sleep with. Get her coming out of the shower… the makeup's all off… the hair is dripping wet and isn't all sculpted yet. No dresses or outfits to flatter her body, there's no hiding anything, there's no drawing the eyes away from this, to make you look at that."

   "And?"

   "The article said, that if you're just as turned on by that, cornering her fresh out of a good shower scrubbing… just as much as you were turned on the night you met… that's the best thing. The article ended by saying that if you feel some… discrepancy? Between those two situations? You're the type A, not Type B in the article."

   "So, you're saying, you're type B."

   "Yeah."

   "Well? Do I have to sit on you and smack it out of you? How did I do."

   "Merry… do you want to know one of my fondest memories? I haven't known you that long really… but still…"

   "Sure…"

   "You know that thing you do, where you come out of the shower, no towel. You kind of shake your hair around like a dog shaking off after going in the creek… stick your tongue out and laugh? You did it the first morning I was with you in the shower. Remember I played keep away with your towel for a minute?"

   "Yeah…"

   "Well… that's one of my fondest memories. You're wet… naked… no makeup, no hair done. Shaking off like a dog coming out of the creek. Smiling. Stuck your tongue out like a little kid, laughing. I… was just as turned on, as any other time."

   Merry smiled, and leaned in and kissed him. Somewhat passionately but not ridiculously so, and it ended without turning into anything.

   "What was that for?"

   "Thanks. That means you like me… for me."

   "Now. If you can keep a secret, and not repeat it?"

   Merry chuckled out…

   "I'm a little too good at keeping secrets. We had to go to 'biker court' for permission to share secrets."

   "Right. Trans Am boy? His trophy wife picture?"

   "Yeah. She's pretty…"

   "I'm not as impressed as everyone else is with her. She's a trophy. She's trying too hard. The whole world knows, he makes a lot of money. He bought that. Just like his house, his cars, his furniture. If you take away his business somehow? He's broke? He has nothing else in the world. I know men like that like to think that their trophy wife will stand by them, if they're down and out? Deep down inside, I don't think a woman like that will stay. Oh, a year… maybe two… seeing if he gets his shit together and it looks like he's climbing back on top of the game, but… a year… two years… she'll take the kids and leave. He has no other skills in life, to offer everyone around him."

   "You assume she's probably shallow."

   "I don't know that. But… I do know this… you'll never see a photo of her, without the hair and the makeup and the clothes and the jewelry… and every photo? Posed in front of one of his super expensive cars. Or, the big house and yard in the photo. You'll never see a photo of just her, without all the stuff around her."

   "Do… you think he's happy with her?"

   "Hell yeah he's happy. He's winning his game. He won't play anyone elses game, it's all he knows. He can easily win that game, and he keeps playing it. To him? That's all there is in this world. I don't know what guys like that think they're winning… I guess his heaven has a penthouse, and he bought it. But he's happy."

   "Do you think… she's happy?"

   "I honestly don't know, but… you take away her hair and jewelry and cars and house? Just scrub her good in this creek here, and dress her in a potato sack? I don't think you'll see that… radiant smile in all those photos. That's my guess. I could be wrong. Call it my hunch I'd bet on."

   "You don't think I'm like that."

   Panic chuckled now…

   "Merry? I know you're not like that, hun. You're just over 30, that's the age of maturity. Your mold is cast, you're who you are now. Men like you enough that if you wanted a guy with a car lot? You'd have one by now. If you wanted to be a trophy? You'd already be on some guy's shelf by now…"

   "That's sweet. Thank you…"

   "Panic? I know you're… bothered… you told me what's starting to keep you awake again."

   Panic just stared up at the leaves. They were laying such that the gigantic beach towel had a split down the middle. Merry had a tan and was enjoying rolling over drying off in some of the last hot sun of summer… Panic had fairer skin, and was laying just out of the sun's bright reach. As the sundial of the bright warm beam crawled, they inched along with it every so many minutes.

   "Speedy's man at the FBI?"

   "Yeah…"

   "I don't know why he's dragging his feet. I have to guess, but, it's like he wants it to take another year to crack this nut and be done with it. If we would just act, and I mean act now? I honestly think we could all just come down on the devil and his minions and strike like the hammer of god."

   "Why do you think he would do that?"

   "I don't know, this isn't my world I'm used to. Some part of me? And, I'm really reaching and guessing here, I could be completely wrong…"

   "But, your hunch?"

   "My hunch is? This has turned into a big investigation. A big case… this… is his big car lot. I think he likes… managing the big case. All the meetings, all the paperwork, all the coordination… I think he gets off on it. Reminds me of a politician in some way, and I hate politicians."

   "In what way?"

   "It's like… he knows he can do it… and he's drawing it out… enjoying the slow closing in… savoring it too much…"

   "That's wrong? To move slow and careful?"

   "You ever play chess, Merry?"

   "A little. I'm not great at it."

   "Well, I play. Like you just said? I'm not great at it, but… you don't have to be great at it, to get the benefits of it."

   "How so?"

   "Well… I was taught to play slow and careful. But, I always played too slow and too careful. My careful web I was making, always came undone. I didn't know how to pull the trigger, and fucking strike, open the end game up, you know?"

   "I guess."

   "Well. I was playing online, and I ended up coming across this guy. We played. He said I played well, but, he went back and showed me how he won. He wanted me to join his little club of other middling players, they had a little informal team on the chess site."

   "How did that go?"

   "He had his… team leader. Play me. Talk with me. The guy's name was Teed. Teedy? Said I played better than I thought. He didn't mind that I didn't study the game properly, I just wanted to play a little better. He showed me a few rules of thumb, a few things… next thing you know? Like, a week later, my game had improved. I started moving up slowly."

   "Mr. Teed, huh?"

   "Yeah… He had me join his team. We all put a T or a T7 in our tag line. Anyways, other than the mechanics he taught me, he explained that my slow and careful thing, was great… but… I had to find that moment in the game. He called it… go figure… the moment of Teed."

   "Mmm. This… moment of Teed… that's when you spring your trap… gut your opponent. Win… right?"

   "No. That's the thing… the moment of Teed? It was a lot further back than when the endgame started and the winning and losing became obvious. He had me go back in the game, and see where the moment was… without some big blunder? You don't win. Not without a moment of Teed… not without seeing it… way back when…"

   Merry got respectfully quiet…

   "Are… you afraid you missed your moment of Teed? Now, you have to sit back another whole year, and watch a whole… season… happen again?"

   Panic looked like he should be crying all of a sudden, but no water works, and no sniffling.

   "I never knew who Teedy was. The chess site? Went offline one day, out of nowhere. Knowing Teedy? Was… like some beautiful woman you loved and treasured… then you came home one day, and she was just gone. I wish to god, Teedy was here. He could have really advised me on strategy."

   "You really miss your chess teacher, don't you?"

   Panic all but choked out…

   "He changed my life, little one…"

   "Really?"

   "Yeah. To a football player? Everything is football. That's where all the analogies come from to those people. To a fighter? Everything is fighting. The football player will say… all right, we're doing a double reverse here… they think everything's that way, we're really going up the other side. The fighter says, okay… let's give them a head fake, then shoot in… well, chess is all it's own, that way…"

   "It's the sport of kings…"

   "Yeah. It teaches strategy. I was getting out of my time in the service. I was a computer programmer. I was always working out, trying to be some kind of tough guy… Teedy? Well, I realized that my moment of Teed, was happening. I had all the raw abilities to go and do… what I did. Be radio boy, for the tough guys. That… changed my life. I really, owe it all to him, in a way. Without him? I'd never have seen it."

   "Who was he?"

   "I'll never know. I remember though, we were just talking. I told him how I pictured him, in my mind. For being funny. In my mind, he was this rich educated guy. Maybe a professor at some Ivy league college… sitting at his grand piano, snifter of brandy on it. Taking a break from listening to classical music, and showing some poor slob like me, how to play chess better."

   "What did he say?"

   "He laughed his ass off. He was almost 50. Lost his good job. He was throwing tires at a tire shop, trying to keep up with younger kids, killing himself. Trying to just stay in the game long enough to keep his house and wife. Chess was his… release from that."

   "Really not the kind of guy you imagine leading a chess team, being such an effective chess teacher, I grant you that."

   "Yeah… it's not what you are, its what you can do. Work can be just work, and you can really enjoy yourself doing what you want to do. That's what I decided I was going to do with my life. My moment of Teed was on me. The site disappeared, swallowed me knowing him up, and all I had left was his short but effective teachings. I packed up? Went for the tryouts. To join… the observation team. Never dreamed I would get to be picked by… them, you know?"

   "I'm sorry you missed your moment of Teed with chasing the devil, honey. I really do."

   "That's the thing, Merry. I thought I had a plan, a way in, a way to get things cracking. I thought I had a moment of Teed… it… was close but no cigar. I found all the raw information I needed. But… it all does me no good."

   "Why?"

   "Merry? Me. Speedy. FBI… we're not criminals. We have to follow rules. I simply can't contact the guy I need to contact, and I know who he is and where to get a hold of him. I mean, I can, but… I can't authorize him, to start doing what needs done. I have to sit on my hands, and wait for the big guy at the FBI to do it. He has to authorize that…"

   "Why would he wait?"

   Panic rolled his head over, and the expressionless face she was no longer scared of looked at her. His eyes that no longer frightened her, bored a hole through her skull. His emotionless voice that no longer unnerved her, spoke plainly.

   "The FBI is a lot like a college football team. They look for that. They want strong guys, that get good grades, and are just winners. In college football? Its not just about winning the games. You have records and stats at stake too. It's equally important, to pass for as many yards as you can, to keep control of the ball for as long as you can, to run for as many yards as you can. It generates stats."

   "Hmm. You're hunch, is that this… good grades football star, running the investigation, at the FBI… is dragging the whole thing out. Making it… bigger… so… when he wins, like he thinks he probably will win… he… wins with, what? More touchdowns?"

   Panic smiled. She got it.

   "Merry. All over America, some cop finds and catches some killer. Pins the murder tail on the donkey, right?"

   "Yeah…"

   "Now, the cop that pins the murder tail on the jackass responsible for three or five murders, he gets more attention, right?"

   "Okay, sure…"

   "Merry. Imagine if a cop has a choice of catching a guy and pinning 5 murders on him, or pinning 25 murders on him… if he's thinking about his career…"

   "Oh shit, I see where you're going with this. I met this guy, didn't I? At the steakhouse…"

   Panic smiled.

   "You sure did. We all call him 'Senior'… you chewed a piece of his ass off, and it was funny to watch."

   "You don't call him Senior, because he's older. I thought it was a senior citizen joke…"

   "No. He's the senior agent. He runs that floor. He? Is yet one more college football star, that got good grades, and…"

   "He's in the mindset of a football player. Take your time. Generate more stats. Generate… more…"

   "Yeah… say it, Merry. Fucking say it…"

   Merry sighed. A chill went through her. She shivered.

   "You're winning the game. Do it slowly. Enjoy the victory. Humiliate the other team. Generate more… stats… more… oh my god!"

   "Uh huh. Say it…"

   "Generate more murders!"

   "Why?"

   "Because… bigger case… more… more everything…"

   "More publicity for catching a guy for 25 than for 5. He gets more men. More manpower. More… importance level. When he wins? He gets… I don't know, he wants this to be the bigger feather in his cap. So… he can shoot for assistant director when it opens up."

   Merry stood up, in just her loincloth, and all but marched around the big rock they were lazing on.

   "That was the asshole just after I met you at the steakhouse!"

   Panic's signature wry grin was back.

   "Yeah. He's not a bad guy, honey. He does a lot of good in this world. But, you can't blame him. Don't do that…"

   Merry eyes flashed anger.

   "Why the fuck not?"

   "Merry… he's… no different than Trans Am boy… he's just, playing the dog pack game. Winning. He's a winner. He wants… to win more, naturally."

   Merry posed in her still damp loincloth. Both hands on both her hips. Her pose when she was defiant. Her eyes narrowed at Panic…

   "He's… one of your… human animals. It's not his… fault…"

   "Now you got it. Go with it. I don't gain anything by confronting him. He's the coach on this game. I need to whisper in the coach's ear, and get him to call the play I want. The big play."

   Merry now crossed her arms over her tan tits. Furrowed her brow, and sat down cross legged as near him on the towel as she could.

   "But… you already tried that, I'm sure."

   "I did. I failed. I lost that battle. It's not important… you keep your eye on the prize. I wanna win the war, honey."

   "How do you do that, now?"

   "I didn't miss my moment of Teed. I just slightly misinterpreted it. Remember, recognizing the moment of Teed, is what's important. I recognize it. The moment of Teed? Doesn't come into play, until the endgame starts. Then? It only matters you win and don't lose."

   "Why are you suddenly so happy? What's the big answer? You still have the same dilemma. Senior asshole, is dragging his feet."

   Panic laid back and relaxed again… all relaxation signals out of his body…

   "Science girl gave me the answers. Both of them. I just didn't fully realize it, when the idea struck me. I see it now. It's not too late. The endgame hasn't started yet. I'm… just in time."

   "Okay… does science girl get to know…"

   "Know what?"

   "What was the answer. Duh…"

   Panic smiled easily.

   "Oh. Two things…"

   "Thing one was…"

   "Thing one. I was sitting there. Your exact words were… something like… man, I wish I could just put six or eight drops of Gamma in a new boyfriend's drink. Ask him. Are you a cheating piece of shit or not… you remember that ?"

   "You're paraphrasing. More or less. I was making a joke…"

   "It was a… good fucking joke…"

   "And… the second thing?"

   "The second thing… I swear, it was complete brilliance. You said something about the inventory. Stealing chops?"

   Merry smiled sheepishly.

   "Yeah. I mean, I should be ashamed, but… yeah… I hand out a few free steaks to my biker friends on the weekend. The employees don't mind. They come in and settle the bar crowd down when they get to acting up. Then? I get free chops for the employees… I do the inventory counts."

   "Exactly, science girl… it was more than that… you said, and I quote you… the more complicated the system, the easier it is to fuck with it. Paraphrasing, of course."

   "Hmm."

   "You're not the only teacher here. Speedy has been teaching me, too…"

   "What did Speedy teach you?"

   "Two things…"

   "I'm noticing a trend. It's always two things…"

   "Yeah, it is. Thing one? As an investigator, it's my responsibility to navigate the obstacles the rules make. I have to find my way around those obstacles. Being clever. Being smart."

   "Number two…?"

   Panic grinned like a madman…

   "Number two… Speedy had a situation, where he needed person X, to call for starting shit. But, he also needed person Y, to call for starting shit. What did Speedy do? He kept his fucking shit together, and got him and both of them in the same room together… X needed Y to start the investigation… Y needed X to start the investigation… put them together? BANG!"

   "Great. What does science girl get out of this?"

   "What… does science girl want…"

   "Science girl? Hmmm… she wants… taken out… you really like science girl? Take her out. Show her off to strangers."

   "Okay. Where do you wanna go?"

   "I want… dinner. And a movie. And? I suggest you don't fuck with me about this. I think, you're gonna like it. No, don't say shit. Just shut your fucking mouth… and go with it. Take me somewhere. Anywhere. For a half decent dinner. And a movie. I demand a movie."

   Panic calculated…

   "We'll have to drive a good ways for that, hun…"

   "So? Then drive us somewhere. What, you scared to leave town?"

   Panic smiled and regarded her.

   "It's fine…"

   "Good. Now, in the meantime…"

   "Yes?"

   "We have a while before we go anywhere."

   "Sure."

   Merry was laid back on her side of their oversize beach towel. Tan skin warm to the touch. She would occasionally raise one knee, then a little while later raise the other. Sometimes lower and extend a leg. Once in a while both out or up. Sometimes she would turn over and sun her back side of her body. Panic was pretty sure she was just having fun showing herself off to him, as well as enjoying her time worshiping the sun.

   "Would you mind doing something for me, hun?"

   "For you, or, to you."

   "For me, to start. Then? We'll see…"

   "Well?"

   "I don't want to get dry skin started. I'm getting all dried up. I wouldn't want to get itchy dry skin, girls hate that. I'm gonna dunk in the water. Shake off like a dog. And lay out wet. I want oiled up. To… lock in the moisture. You do want me to have soft skin, don't you?"

   "Sure."

   "Go in my little leather bag there. There's a little bottle of baby oil. Don't be afraid to use it. I refill it from the big bottle…"

   Merry went and sat near the edge of the rock, and took her damp loincloth off. It left her in just the soft leather strap that wound around her waist just above her hips a couple times.

   "Grab the little pair of scissors in the bag too, dear. You have to trim Hitler's mustache. Whatever length you like."

   Merry eyed him, and drummed her fingernails on the rock. Waiting.

   When he was done, she smiled at him, and walked over and sat down at the edge of the rock. Slid off into the water. Dunked herself a couple times, and came up. Threw her wet hair back and climbed back up on their rock, dripping wet. She smiled at him and shook her hair, laughing. She all but sashayed over, and got down on the hot rock next to the towel. Just in the shade. She laid on her back, arms and legs a little splayed out. Closed her eyes.

   "Now oil me up…"

   "Where do you want it?"

   "Everywhere, silly. Go slow. Don't miss a square inch of my skin. When you're done? I should be completely covered in hot oil. Then keep rubbing it in… I'll tell you when to stop. Do not miss, a single spot."

   Panic smiled and went about it. When he was done, and he thought he had covered every square inch of her body, he went back and started over again, slower. Rubbing the oil in. Merry turned over and had him do the back of everything the same way. Then rolled back over.

   She ended up face down on the hot rock, and had rolled over back into the sunlight. He just propped his head up on his hand, and looked her over. She would occasionally stretch and slide around. Readjust herself.

   "Mm. A girl could get used to having an oil boy around, you know. You did a very good job, you know that? Now… it's your turn… you don't want dry skin, do you?"

   She did the same procedure back to him. He got to lay just inside the shade. They probably had twenty minutes each of oil work. Then, they laid up against each other. He was just in the shade line, she was just in the sun. He marveled at the look of her glistening hot oiled skin. The water had either dried, or as she had claimed, was now oil locked into her skin.

   Her leather around her waist had gotten oiled up as well as the braided leather cords she had made and tied onto her wrists and ankles. Little dark beads on the loose ends of the leather cords, kept on with a knot.

   "Wanna do something fun? Different?"

   "Sure."

   "New game. We never do quickies. I want a quickie."

   "Okay."

   "Yeah… but… I want it rough…"

   "How… rough?"

   "I want it quick, and I want it rough. Let me help you…"

   She undid the knot of the thick soft leather strap that wound around her waist. She slid it through her wristband, and wound it around the braided leather cord once. Then smiled and held out her other wrist. Panic quickly got the idea and did the same to the other wrist and grabbed both ends of the leather. She smiled, and he explored holding her wrists down and running his hand over her body. She would giggle and squeal when he tickled her anywhere.

   She held an ankle up for him, and pointed at the braided cord on her ankle… and held the other ankle up as well. Smiling. He gathered those in the same way. He now had all four of her wrists and ankles.

   After he had her making noise, she closed her eyes, bit her lip, and hissed at him.

   "Quit fucking around, and rape me…"

   Even though he had all four of her limbs held together securely, she was still hard to hold onto. She had strong legs and shoulders and they were both oiled up. She pulled and twisted. Giggled between soft moans. Arched her back to try to get away. During one rather adventurous and sudden twist and pull on her part… he finally had an oopsie on re-entry.

   Merry's mouth hung open, and she closed her eyes and bit her lip hard. He froze and stopped…

   "You finally, got the idea…"

   She rolled her head over, and bit the end of her leather loincloth laying next to them. He shoved a mouthful in and she shook her head yes. He finished raping her like she wanted. Quick. Rough. Hard. It didn't take long. Definitely a quickie.

   When they were done, he let her ankles go and she laid back. Staring at him. She spit the loincloth out, but didn't say a word. He let her wrists go, and she laid back. Smiling up a storm.

   "Finally. A little attention. I've been dropping you hint after hint. I finally decided to hit you over the head with a brick."

   "I didn't know you liked that…"

   "Now you do. So… do it once in a while. Whenever you feel like it. Surprise me. Don't ever ask. Don't ever take no for an answer… understand?"

   Panic nodded.

   "Good. Next time? Don't stop with just tickling me. Leave a couple hand-prints on my ass."

   She smiled and rolled over and finished enjoying her hot oil on the hot rock in the hot sun.

   "I know you. You're wondering, when is she in the mood for it, huh? See me wearing these cute little braided leather anklets and bracelets? There you go."

   After a while laying right up against one another, she told him softly…

   "I thought I told you a couple times already. There isn't really much I won't do."

   After a time, they took a quick dunk. Cleaned each other off quick and silent. Came back out of the water, and repeated the hot oil routine on each other and enjoyed another hour of Merry's treasured hot oil treatment, as she called it. Eventually, they were dried off but with a slight layer of oil.

   They got up, and she got both of them in the big towel together. She smiled as they toweled off. She dropped the towel and stood there, smiling. Held her hands out and turned around slowly for him.

   "How's your skin feel now. Smooth? Supple?"

   Panic felt a few spots of skin… it was. He nodded yes.

   "Told you before, you'd enjoy the hot oil treatment. Go on. Get dressed."

   He got dressed while she sat and watched him, her feet pulled up in front of her, he arms wrapped around her knees drawn up and in, supporting her chin.

   "Now… would you like to dress me? Do it slowly."

   He nodded.

   She handed him the leather strap after she stood up for him. Showed him how to wrap it and how to tie it and how tight. Then she handed him the leather loincloth, and asked if he knew how it went. He nodded and slid it in the small of her back under the leather strap, down and around, and up and over the front of the strap. Adjusted it so it hung even.

   She sat down on the hot rock and held one foot out, so he could put her knee high moccasins on. Slowly laced them up under her soft directions for tightness. Then held her other foot out for the same treatment. She held her hands over her head, so he could lace up her leather tube top to her specified tightness. She softly directed him replacing her leather miniskirt, as he called it.

   She stood up against him for a while, making out with him. Then, she had him gather up her few things up in her leather drawstring pouch, and put it on her waist where it went.

   She took him by the hand, and they slowly walked down the creek to the path, and back to the cabin. She tugged him to keep walking, back to the main camp.

   Skykid had saved them some lunch. Merry asked him if they could take Skykid and "Little Robbie" with them going out.

   "We didn't really touch the first card's money, hun. Now? We got it doubled. So? Let's treat them."

   Skykid and Rob protested enough to be polite, but finally gave in. Skykid suggested being designated driver. They had a decent drive to find anything resembling a movie theater, but finally located one on Rob's phone. Half hour drive.

   Merry leaned into Panic's ear with her lips…

   "Take your time. Brag to your boyfriends, if you want. I don't care. Make them jealous. I… am going to walk back by myself to the cabin. I'm going to change clothes. You boys pick me up on your way out. Okay? Don't come and get me until I can just hop in the car and go. It's a surprise for you. All right?"

   Panic nodded yes.

   "I don't care where we eat. I don't care what movie we see. I just want you to enjoy showing me off, understand?"

   He nodded again. She kissed him and walked off. Waved to the few boys hanging around home base at the camp.