Merry - Chapter 73

   When they were coming back from their trip to the grocery store, they had already taken their swimming stuff with them. It was still warm, and swimming was still bathing for the two of them. They didn't hike all the way to rape rock as they called their private swim spot, this was the less deeper part of the creek much closer to the trail. Nothing but reasonably quick dips and normal hygiene. Merry's toothpaste game was a must have, though, before they drove them and the foodstuffs back to their cabin. Panic carried in the small cardboard box with everything in it.

   "Why did you buy pounds of that ground meat, and only a handful of the other kind?"

   "Okay Merry… one of the few cooking things I know about, is ground meat. The little bit of ground meat? That's the expensive stuff, the 90 percent low fat stuff."

   "Okay, the good stuff. What's the big pile?"

   "That? Is the cheap stuff. High fat. We're going to make a simple cheeseburger, out of both of them. So you can see about your precious low fat meat all you city fags rave about."

   "Hmm. Go on…"

   Panic made a hamburger patty out of the expensive low fat meat, and, one out of the noticeably cheaper high fat meat. Same size, same shape, same thickness. They cooked both in matching little pans on the stove top, and then made cheeseburgers out of both. Identical bread and cheese. Panic had her take a few bites out of the low fat expensive burger first.

   "How is it?"

   "Eh. A little… I don't know…"

   "Right. Now? Try the grease burger…"

   Merry eyes lit up from the first big bite. Panic had her go back and forth, commenting on taste and texture. Merry declared it… blah. Panic suggested they called it "dry". Merry shrugged, that was an okay description.

   "Now. If you're making burgers over a grill, or, god forbid a fire? The burger falls apart unless you use the grease burger meat. Low fat meat not only tastes worse? It's impossible to cook with for a lot of stuff. Meatballs, in particular? Will tend to fall apart worse than burgers with low fat meat. You're wasting your money, buying super low fat ground meat."

   "But… it's healthier…"

   "Honey? That's city faggot bullshit. Look, I was a pizza delivery guy for years. You wanna know what super fat ass women that work in the hospital all order?"

   "What…"

   "Chicken salads and steak salads. A two liter of diet pop. You know what regular sized people that work there order?"

   "Hmm…"

   "Pizza, hoagies, side orders of fried foods. Regular two liters of pop. All the healthy shit? Really ain't healthy, in my book. I swear, all the low fat, sugar free bullshit? Makes you fat. I say, eat what healthy sized people eat… which is normal food."

   "What about the sodium and salt issue…"

   "The only issue, is people whining on the television, you know. Merry? Do you know why they used to pay Roman soldiers with salt?"

   "Why…"

   "Because. For one thing, it was a clearly recognized commodity. Unlike gold, which could contain lesser metals? No way to ruin the salt. Also… because salt used to be hard to get for most people in the old days, and, without salt? You'll die… I've been over salting my food? My whole life. Do I seem like I'm about to have a heart attack?"

   "No…"

   "Right. If you're otherwise healthy and normal? You can take in all the salt and sugar and oil and grease and fat you feel like, your body just passes it out. It's only dangerous to people who have a condition…"

   "You're serious…"

   "Dead serious. Merry? What are they always pushing for a diet? Go on… list the problem foods…"

   "Milk, eggs, cheese… you have to seriously limit dairy…"

   "Yeah. Go on…"

   "Salt, sugar…"

   "Right… and?"

   "Carbs. Bread… pasta… flour…"

   "Meat?"

   "Red meat is bad for you, and only with super low fat content. You have to limit your fish, too… because of all the oils… no ham or bacon…"

   "Yeah… now, have you ever seen farmers? Big strong farm boys who can work 16 hour days, baling hay. 80 year old men, still plowing and mowing the back 40. You know, country working people. The picture of vitality and health and strength, right?"

   "Yeah…"

   "Well? You know what you eat a lot of, when you live on a working farm?"

   "Go on…"

   "All the bacon you want. All the ham and pork chops you want. Real milk, with all the fat still in it, way more then 4% percent 'whole milk' in the store. All the homemade flour bread you want. Steaks, hams, roasts, burgers? Out the ass. Pies and cakes and cookies for dessert. All the vegetables and fruits you could ask for. You city faggots? Are complaining about how much sugar is in fruit now, for Christ's sake. That's natural sugar? It's good for you… the diet bullshit? Has everyone turning down every single thing, that healthy farmers eat every day."

   "But… I don't wanna get fat, Panic… I'm terrified of it. Have you ever seen how bad some athletes get when they get older? Ew."

   "Merry? You have big hips and thighs. But, your legs are muscular. You're fine. You wear your jeans kinda tight, right? If you ever have trouble getting into your jeans, we'll worry about it then. And, we'll hike more, not starve ourselves. You can put ten pounds on, and not even show it. Christ, you're about 6 foot tall, and you're not some dainty little thing. And as far as gaining or losing 2 or 3 pounds? Christ… you drink a bunch of water, and eat a bunch of food? Yeah, you technically gained three pounds. You sweat some, and you take a shit the next day? You just lost three pounds. Don't worry about it."

   "You promise, you won't let me get fat?"

   "I promise. Now that's enough of this city faggot routine, let's make the pot of meatballs…"

   Panic had them mix everything with all the ground meat after they finished both burgers that were merely to tide them over. They made a bunch of little balls out of it, and put them into a large, deep tray. Merry wanted to know how long they went into the oven.

   "250 for an hour. We keep a little water in the pan."

   They played with the cat and watched things on the internet for the hour. Then, they browned the rest of the big pile of ground meat in a large pan on the stove top. Panic opened a couple jars of cheap spaghetti sauce, added water, and added the meatballs into it.

   "What now?"

   "We simmer it for a while. If it gets too thick? We add a little water."

   They watched stuff on the internet for a while, checking the sauce and meatballs between videos. Eventually? They each had a meatball and some sauce, and both agreed it was done. The cat got a meatball and some meat sauce as well, so he didn't get slighted. It wasn't really dinner time for either of them, so they walked up to the main camp to hang out with everyone. They stowed the giant pot of meatballs and meat sauce in the now cold oven right before they left, to keep Bitty Kitty honest.

   Other than random bullshitting, the big gossip around the campfire was that Speedy and George and guests were coming in probably sooner than expected. Merry eyed Panic, and he knew what she meant without her saying a word. She wanted to see when Uncle Mikey was coming in. That was when she made a face.

   "Honey? I want my other phone. I left it back at the cabin."

   "Okay. Do you want me to jog up and grab it for you?"

   "No… I'm a big girl. But… I'm wearing my damned flip flops. We walked down in the daylight, and now it's starting to get dark. I don't wanna get wrecked walking up in these things. Even if I don't get a boo boo? It'll take me forever."

   "Do… you want me to go get the car?"

   "No. Gimme yer boots."

   "Uh… all right, but…"

   "But what?"

   "I don't wanna walk up later in the complete darkness in the flip flops either. Bring your jogging shoes down, okay?"

   Merry shrugged.

   "All right. Deal. Give…"

   Panic unlaced his work boots, and traded her for her flip flops, which he slid his feet into after losing his socks. Merry jogged up the trail, taking advantage of the dying but still visible light. Panic went over to the cooler to get a can of pop, and Skykid pointed at his footwear. He looked down…

   "Yeah. I have on… rainbow flip flops. Make jokes. Post pictures on the internet. Whatever."

   A string of mild teasing ensued, naturally. Merry was back soon, and plopped back in her chair next to Panic. She pointed at his boots, and Panic just grabbed her jogging shoes and slipped them on. Skykid had made the initial rainbow girl colored flip flops comment, and when Panic went to get Merry a can of pop… Skykid was staring at the jogging shoes. Panic noticed his gaze and interest.

   "Okay… what now?"

   "You're… wearing Merry's jogging shoes."

   "Yeah? Go on and call the shoe police, if you want to."

   "No… It's not that…"

   "Well? What then… look… they're not even a girly color. If you didn't already know they were Merry's to begin with? You wouldn't be able to tell."

   Skykid looked puzzled.

   "I can understand Merry using your boots, but… how are you wearing her jogging shoes?"

   "I kinda just put them on my feet. Then? I go right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot…"

   "But… how you fit into them?"

   "Huh? Oh… we have the same shoe size. Kinda neat, huh?"

   "Panic? I wasn't aware you have tiny feet."

   "Size 12 work boots is tiny? What, are we six years old, we're gonna do the who has the bigger feet thing all over again? Geez… you guys aren't even drinking yet, normally you guys have to be drunk to start the little kids routine… hey! Wait a minute! I'm looking now, and… your feet are smaller than mine… you don't get to tease me for small feet, mister. What are those, size 9?"

   "Nine and a half, thank you very much… but, that's not the point."

   "Okay, what is the point then?"

   This conversation had garnered attention, and everyone now looked over to Merry. Her one leg slung over the arm of her chair, slouched down, texting away on her phone she had retrieved. She noticed the attention, and looked up and around at everyone.

   "What?"

   Skykid quizzed her.

   "Merry? What size shoes do you wear?"

   Merry didn't even look up from being back to texting, because she hadn't been following the conversation. Her thumbs were tapping while she idly answered him…

   "12, usually. Why?"

   "Size 12… men's size?"

   Now she looked up.

   "Yeah. Unlesss I'm buying girl shoes? Then, I'm lucky if they have my size in stock."

   "Holy shit."

   "Yes, Sky… walk over here. I want to show you something."

   "You promise you're not going to taser me?"

   "I promise. Come…"

   Skykid walked over.

   "Hold your hand out. On mine…"

   Skykid put his palm out and touched Merry's hand. Palm to palm. Her hand dwarfed his, somewhat.

   "I played sports. I have big hands and feet. Why is this so shocking all of a sudden? I'm not exactly a little tiny girl, you know."

   Rob choked on his drink.

   Merry smiled Rob's way…

   "Little Robbie. You have something to add?"

   "Oh, no… nothing…"

   "Right. Go on, it's you, this ought to be good."

   "Well… I mean… big hands, big feet, big… oh, wait. That's guys, so… never mind."

   Everyone chuckled, Merry included.

   "Robbie, are you suggesting I must have a big gigantic twat? I've never had kids or anything…"

   "Ma'am? I didn't say a word…"

   Merry had a sense of humor, and went back to texting, but addressed Panic over her screen thumbing…

   "Panic?"

   "Yes dear…"

   "Would you say something about my twat?"

   "Uh… I like it?"

   Everyone chuckled.

   "I'm aware you like it, dear. Would you care to address the size issue?"

   "No."

   "Hmm. You have my permission, honey. Go on, tell them what you say about it…"

   "Uh, this seems like a great way for me to get into trouble…"

   "Go ahead. Tell them…"

   Merry had gone back to texting again. Everyone looked at Panic.

   "Merry has a… well, I call it a… rubber-band twat."

   Everyone looked, then burst out laughing. Catcalls ensued.

   "The fuck is a rubber-band twat? Rubber bands come in all sizes…"

   "No… it… you can do anything you want with it, but… next morning? Snaps right back to finger sized. Pretty amazing, really. I just love the thing…"

   Merry looked up and smiled.

   "Okay… Panic? Boys? Can we be done discussing my twat now?"

   Everyone snickered.

   "Which brings something else up… Little Robbie…"

   The boys laughed…

   "Since we just established, that genital size is not related to foot and hand size? That means, that you don't necessarily have more than a peanut, you know…"

   "Well… it also means that Panic might have a small wiener, if you have a small twat…"

   A couple guys choked on their drinks…

   "Robbie? I'm happy in that… department."

   Skykid emceed the squelching of the conversation, peals of laughter it was producing being beside the point. When the conversation was over and the giggling died down…

   "Anything else you two wear each other's clothes and stuff?"

   Panic laughed.

   "I, okay… one night, just to be funny? This was after we figured out we have the same size shoes… I tried to walk across the cabin in her high heels, just the once. All I'm saying is? Good… sweet… Christ… I have absolutely no goddamned clue, how women wear those fucking things…"

   Merry looked up.

   "Actually? I didn't learn how to walk in high heels, until I was 18. Took me a couple months, practicing, before I could go outside in the fucking things. I really wonder, who invented the damn things. I bet it was the same asshole that invented the regular old fashioned brassiere."

   Rob asked why she didn't like a bra…

   Merry didn't even look up from texting to grace this conversation with anything but detached amusement.

   "I wear a dress for special occasions, you guys know this already. I only wear heels with a dress. Are we going to discuss my tits now? Fine. Some girls get them early, some girls don't. I was an early bloomer. My mom couldn't get me into a dress and heels? She couldn't get me into a bra, either. I wear sports bras, and that's when I even wear one."

   Rob couldn't help himself…

   "Since we're discuss---"

   "Gotcha, little Robbie. My boob size? How did I guess, huh… been playing baseball and tackle football with boys my whole life. I wear D cups, and… I feel comfortable with a 32 or 34, depends on the sports bra company. Before it comes up? Panic was all excited, apparently, it seems… I have perfect boobs. Which means, he says anyways… they're both the exact same size and shape. Apparently, some women run around with mismatched boobs. If you didn't get laid enough to already know? There are pink ones and brown ones, I have brown ones. I'm a brunette. Also? Panic informs me you guys name the nipples… silver dollar nips… volcano nipples… he says, I have no name nipples. Which means they're small and regular. Apparently? Panic was sweating it, I might have weird nipples. I don't."

   Merry never looked up from texting, this was obviously well rehearsed from her past.

   "That about covers it, I think… oh… I never flash 'em, even when I'm drunk. Because? I'm not an attention whore. So? You never get to see 'em… and no, I don't wanna see a wiener, either. Don't care how big you think it is? Sad truth, boys… the really big ones? Don't get any bigger. Trust me, coming from a girl… it's a real let down… "

   Everyone was quiet… and Merry giggled.

   "In case anyone's wondering, why I wear little jogging shorts? It's only because if a girl wears shorts past her knees? Apparently, she's a dyke. When I found that out? I quit wearing long shorts. Which pisses me off, but… what can you do. And no, I never kiss other girls, not even for fun, not even when I'm drunk. Again? I'm not an attention whore. I've showered with too many girls sports teams… if a girl gives me the eye, or so much as puts a finger on me? I'll close her eye like a man. Donut style."

   "I pretty much? Do whatever the boys do. I just can't pee standing up, and I can't take my shirt off in public. That's about it. I've climbed trees, rode dirt bikes… you name it. Snowball battles, crab-apple battles, mud battles… pretty much? Anything you boys threw at each other? I did it with them. I guess the only boy thing I didn't do? When boys are little, they go through a phase they'll torture animals. I used to punch them in the face when they did that, so, they didn't do it around me. I had pets growing up, fuck that shit."

   Merry laughed, still engrossed in texting…

   "I even… okay, this is bad, but… when we were little, playing baseball? The boys were… chewing tobacco and spitting. I had to do it with them. I don't get it, but… the bigger ball of that shit you put in your cheek? The more you spit? The tougher you are, supposedly. My dad laughed his ass off, and my mom shit kittens. Which… mom did a lot, looking back on it, poor mom. This probably explains why I sometimes smoke cigarettes, but, not very often, and a pack lasts me forever."

   Merry looked up, because the guys were being quiet. Everyone was looking at each other and looking at her.

   "Now what…"

   Rob spoke up.

   "Not sure. Probably the image of a little girl spitting chewing tobacco, playing wiffle ball."

   "Someone's dad had an extra pouch of chewing tobacco he forgot about, and the boy brought it to play wiffle ball. We all knew the older kids playing baseball did it, we had been to games. I played wiffle ball with them, why wasn't I going to chew and spit that stuff with them."

   Merry put her phone down.

   "Hmm. Little Robbie, sounded like he was finally done being silly. Why the serious tone, Robbie?"

   "Well? I'm curious how this all happened…"

   "How what all happened?"

   "Merry? I'm the professional minister for my little church where I live. I instruct my lay minister to handle things day to day. One of the biggest problems people complain about? Is women acting like men. We always have talks about it. We have… exercises we do about it, so it doesn't infect our congregation."

   Merry eyed Rob intently.

   "Did you say… infect? Like I'm a disease."

   Skykid threw an ice cube at Rob.

   "Rob? Down boy. Down. Panic, you wanna break this up?"

   Panic stood up.

   "Rob? Merry? Both of you. Technically? Speedy left me in charge when him and Georgie aren't here. You two can have a debate, but, only if it stays civil. Do both of you agree it stays civil?"

   They both agreed and said yes.

   "Skykid? We haven't done this in a while. We need a talking stick, right?"

   Skykid agreed. He snatched up a large wooden spoon and walked out in the middle of everyone, holding the talking stick up. Looking suspiciously like the guy coming out to introduce two fighters at a big boxing match.

   "All right boys, you've all either seen a real RLB debate? Or… you've heard about one, I'm sure. Rob has done this before, so, Merry? More for your benefit. This is the talking stick. Only the person holding the talking stick can talk. Rob seems to have made the accusation? So, Rob goes first. When he's done? We go back and forth, until neither one wants to make any further points. Since Rob goes first, Merry? You always get offered the last word. Audience members? No shouting out help, you can all talk among yourselves… after it's over. When it's over? We'll all have a show of hands, who won. Merry? Rob? You're required to stay in your seats. No walking around and trying to intimidate one another. This is a debate, not a fight. Rob? You go first…"

   Rob took the stick, and smiled.

   "Merry? Perhaps you could tell us how this all got started…"

   Skykid took the wooden spoon over to Merry. She did what Rob had done, more or less ended up talking into it like a microphone.

   "Well Rob. It never started. It's always been like this. As far back as I can remember? My mom bought me dolls and doll houses and little plastic tea cup sets. I remember sitting there, and being bored. I look out the window? The kids on my street are all playing kickball in the street. I wanted to go out and play kickball. Dolls? Are fucking stupid. Your turn, Rob."

   "Merry? What role models did you have to show you how women are supposed to act?"

   A nice, low, "ooh…" went through the audience around the campfire, followed by chuckling.

   "My mom? Was a very girly girl. She almost always wore dresses and shoes. Even mom's pantsuits? Were very feminine. And before you ask, I see where this is going… there was no 'weird aunt' that I was imitating, either. No older sister that I was imitating. I wanted to play outside and run around. I saw the other kids running around? I wanted to go with them. Simple as that."

   "Okay… what about your dad… did your mom boss him around?"

   Another "ooh" went around, with more chuckling.

   "No. My dad wasn't one of those pussy dads, if that's what you're getting at. My dad actually made most of the decisions. If my mom had a problem? She came to my dad, and he would sit down with her, and they would decide what to do. My mom tended to be really girly about any problems, and, my dad would calm her down, and figure out what to do. Try again."

   "Okay, maybe your mom had a more important job that your dad, and she made more money…"

   Merry laughed.

   "Uh, no. My dad? Wore a suit every day to work. He was a… manager for some big company. But, when he came home? He wore work clothes around the house. Mom? Used to be a music teacher. Then she worked at home, and did private lessons. Mainly piano. I'm real sure, my dad had the more important job, and made more money. Mom helped out, and was almost always home. Try again, Rob."

   "Maybe the first grade teacher was a real modern woman, and was pushing this whole thing…"

   "No, Rob. At the holidays, all the family kids would play together. The girls would sit and play doll shit, and, the boys would be jumping on the furniture and running around with cap guns. Dolls bored the fuck out of me. I'd sit there, bored, the dolls just sit there. It's fucking retarded. I wanted to have fun. Jump from the chair to the couch with the kids having fun. Which just happened to be the boys. That was in the winter holidays… in the summer? Same shit. I wanted to run around with squirt guns, and play kickball. Rob? No one did this to me. Nothing… happened to make it like this."

   "Well, it's like no one did anything to stop it, either."

   "My mom tried like hell. My dad had to step in. I was basically grounded, and moping around the house, and he argued with my mom, it wasn't right to punish me for not doing anything. Then? Mom tried to put me in little girls dance class, and tumbling gymnastics whatever. I hated dancing lessons, and… gymnastics wasn't that bad, but… mom tried to take me to it 5 days a week so I couldn't go outside to play. I wasn't happy, and my dad stepped in. My dad said it wasn't normal to see a little kid moping and crying and hating everything. It was normal for a kid to run around outside, and play, and have fun. So…"

   "Were there any other girls playing kickball?"

   "A couple girls would try, but… no little boy wants a girl on their team. They fall over when they kick, they can't run, and they can't throw. Girls get picked last for pick up teams. I? Got picked with the boys. Because I didn't suck… and yeah, there were a couple sissy boys around, I got picked before them, too."

   "I just can't believe there isn't some reason for all this."

   "I'm not gay, Robbie. Never had any older women put the moves on me. I didn't play doctor or house with the little boys in town. I didn't come out of my mom's twat with a cock and a pussy, and the doctors cut my dick off and made the wrong choice. My dad didn't wear a dress? And my mom didn't wear the pants. I'm not even a feminist, Rob… I don't think it's right, if I go to get a job, and they hire me over some guy with more qualifications, because they want women for some stupid quota. When I play with the boys? I want it fair… Robbie? Let me know when you're done digging for dirt… cause there really ain't none… I got a few questions of my own, if you're done digging anytime soon…"

   "Go on. What…"

   "Church? Pffft. Fuck the church, Rob. There, I said it… you know who Joan of Arc was? The whole country was going to get stolen, because no one would raise an army and do something. For some weird reason? Joan was able to do it. The country? Cheered her on. That's the nobles, the common people, and the church. All cheered. She saved the entire country. They should have erected statues in her honor. Instead, you know what they did to her? They burned her, alive, at the stake. Do you know what the church actually charged her with?"

   "Witchcraft, probably…"

   "No, Rob. She always claimed to be divinely inspired. She carried the cross into battle, just like the knights did. She knelt before battle, and took Eucharist and confession, just like her knights did. She asked god to give her strength, to save her country. E-v-e-r-y-o-n-e cheered when she was doing it. Then? All they could get her on? Was heresy. Because she wore pants instead of a dress, and, she rode the warhorse like a man did. She couldn't fight and ride side saddle in armor."

   "So, you think it's fair to attack the church, because of one little thing."

   "That's a little thing? She asked the church for permission. They needed her, they gave her permission. Then they fucked her over and killed her. The church has a long history of this shit. Witches? Weren't in league with the devil, Rob… they were just women using herbs and poultices, to try to heal people. Early science. You wanna know what many women were accused of being witches for, Rob? It's in the library…"

   "Go on and tell me… get it out of your system…"

   "Women that were thought pretty? Were at risk for being witches. How else, could a woman 'bewitch' a man, into sleeping with her. Long, pretty hair… that men found 'enchanting' to look at? Was a sign of possible trouble. Rob… it was asinine. Do you wanna know how the inquisition was conducted? The church would come into a small town, that had no problems. They would gather up all of the women. Strip them naked, and the inquisitors would 'examine' them in private. Looking for signs of witches. Things like moles and birthmarks. Seeing if their boobs or their twats looked like the church inquisitors, thought they should look. The inquisitors pulling this shit? Had to travel with an army, to keep the husbands from killing them. The men accused of witchcraft? Typically had money and land, and the church got that land, if they declared him a witch and killed him."

   "Are you done?"

   "Back to you Rob… what scripture can you offer me, that I'm not allowed to play baseball as a little girl, huh? Better yet, you said your church has exercises they do, so women don't act like men. What are these exercises like, Rob? Describe one to me…"

   "Well. The last one we did? The men have meetings in the evening, and the women have their own meetings. Some meetings are for both. At the women's meeting? We had all the women wear their husbands shoes to the meeting. It was funny, and we ended up talking about how women can't fill their husband's shoes, and how they shouldn't try. Women are supposed to be raising the children, not taking jobs away from men. And the system is hiring women over men for quotas, making it worse."

   Merry belly laughed.

   "Ha. I'm looking around at some of you guys here? Depends who I was married to, I guess… I might have had to go in my bare feet. Oh, I'm sorry… with my bare flippers. Do you wanna burn me at the stake, Rob? For having big hands and feet? Is having too big a shoe size a sign of a witch, Little Robbie?"

   "I think you missed the whole point of that exercise, Merry."

   "No, Robbie. I think I got it. I'm not allowed to have an opinion, because I don't have a cock, is that it? What scripture says that women can't play sports for fun. What job was I taking away from some man trying to raise a family, Robbie. I was a steakhouse waitress. So I could live indoors. Yeah, I jog a couple times a week, and I used to play racquetball a couple times a week. What scripture am I violating? Other than being a witch, by having big feet, of course… quote some scripture on it. It's your owner's manual, right? Quote something."

   "I just figured something out. You've gone to church before. I can tell."

   "Yes. My family's Italian, we're all Catholic. My mom was all piss-y about the whole wiffle ball shit, and… the family women suggested going to see the church priest."

   "For counseling, Merry?"

   "I guess."

   "How did that go?"

   "Well Rob? I was young. What I do remember? My parents came home. I remember my dad saying something to my mom. What the hell does a guy that never dated a girl, never been married, never raised children… what does he possibly know for sure about kids and family. Also? Priest must have said something to my dad he didn't like. We slowly quit going to church. Whatever it was? My mom agreed my dad was right."

   "What do you think it was?"

   "I don't know for sure. I think, I was supposed to be grounded. Forced to only wear dresses and girl shoes. Never allowed to play outside, until I learned how to act like a girly girl. Honestly? I'm pretty sure it was some silly shit like that. My dad? Always said, there was no way he thought I was supposed to be in 'jail', for wanting to play kickball."

   "So, you're antagonistic towards all religion now. I see that."

   "Robbie? Tell the truth. What would have happened, if I was there at your little shoe meeting. Came in wearing my husbands work boots, and they fit me perfect. When I think it's silly that the women with small feet, are all giggling like fucking retards. Better yet? What if I couldn't fit my big feet into my husband's shoes, and I came in my bare feet and explained why. And what if I have my own opinion. In case you haven't noticed? I don't sit with the women. I sit with the men. I speak my mind. What happens, Robbie? Tell the truth… I get a lecture, don't I? Or I get told to leave, huh?"

   Rob started to talk, and stopped several times. Skykid took the talking stick back over to Merry.

   "What's the matter, Robbie. I bet, the only scripture you have, is that a woman should obey her husband. Well? King Solomon the wise? He had hundreds of wives, and he said that a man must learn to bend to the will of a woman at times, if he is to have peace in his house. I'm not a freak Rob, there's nothing wrong with me. Hell, I'm not even a feminist… I freely admit, that the men's volleyball team, can beat the women's volleyball team, every time. I know women aren't men. You got anything new, Rob?"

   "Just this. Women are supposed to be home taking care of the children. While the men go to work. That's normal."

   "Is that the will of your god, Robbie?"

   "Yes."

   "Is that the same god that gave me a defective twat? Because I can't have children, Robbie. So… raising children and staying at home to do it? Off the table for me. Marriage, for me? Is about one thing and one thing only. Me, getting along with my husband. That's all. And don't even think about starting up with any medical shit. I have totally normal hormones for a girl. I just make dead eggs. I was engaged once, the guy was running around, fucking anything that moved. Don't even start with the forgiveness bullshit, I kept forgiving him, and he kept doing it. And the city men? Suck."

   "Okay Merry. I didn't know about the no kids thing. I'm sorry it went there."

   "I'm not going to tears over it. I don't need a big strong man to put his arms around me, because I'm crying like one of your little feet giggling church retards. No problem. Continue."

   Rob didn't have a direct line to continue with, and Skykid brought the talking stick back to Merry again.

   "Robbie? I know you're German, and I know you make a lot of jokes about the Third Reich. True?"

   "True."

   "Well… you guys were trying to breed better people. Stronger people. Smarter people. I thought tall, smart, strong women… were a highly prized thing. To breed better children. True?"

   "True…"

   "Would… I not be one of those women? Robbie, I've seen some films. They had all these women, out exercising. Playing sports. Being healthy. I thought that's what you wanted. True?"

   "Well, yeah…"

   "Robbie, ask Skykid. I'm trying to learn to cook for Panic. Hell, ask Panic even. He'll tell you it's true. I'm not even out there, taking a job from a man, I was a waitress. Here? I'll probably be a barmaid, and or, eventually, help Panic out around the range. Robbie, isn't a woman supposed to be able to take care of herself, and protect the children, when her husband isn't around to protect her? True?"

   "Yeah…"

   "Well how in the hell do you suppose women will get that way? By wearing a dress and playing with dolls and teacups? Not really. I never saw any German films, showing the teacups and dolls. I only saw girls playing sports. Now then… don't you have kids, Robbie?"

   "Yes."

   "You told me. Showed me pictures. A handsome little boy, and a sweet little girl. Let me guess. Is that little girl going to learn how to protect herself? So boys don't shove her into mud puddles? I bet you're going to show her how to shoot guns, too. True?"

   "Yeah."

   "Are you going to teach both of them to fight? And shoot?"

   "Of course."

   "Hmm. How's she going to have the coordination to fight against boys, if she's only allowed to wear dresses and play with tea sets and dollhouses. Or, is she only allowed to not do that on karate night…"

   "No…"

   "What about the boy? What happens if some girl in town happens to be taller than him, or, can run faster than him playing a game. Are you going to make fun of him? Tease him for it? Until he goes out to play, and sneaks up behind the girl and pushes her into a mud puddle? Because that's what was going on with me. I pushed the boy back into the same mud puddle. I punched him in the mouth when he tried to hit me, just like you're teaching your daughter to be able to fight back. Your turn, Robbie. Give him the stick back."

   Rob seemed done.

   "Robbie? You and Skykid went out to dinner with me and Panic. You both thought I looked very feminine in my dress and heels and makeup and jewelry. I seem to remember, anyways. Do any of you boys, like to look at fat, lazy, mouthy, stupid women? Probably not… how do you think a woman is supposed to stay in shape? Sitting at home, baking cookies? Eating ice cream and watching soap operas? How many guys here have ever watched women's sports, let's see some hands… come on, I know why most guys like to watch women's sports, you like seeing the girls in their little outfits, and all in shape, right? Hands…"

   A good number of hands went up.

   "Okay. I already know guys like looking at women like that. Why wouldn't you ever think about dating or marrying them? Hmm? How many guys here ever dated a girl like that. Anyone?"

   Only Panic's hand went up.

   "Don't think I don't know what's going on in your little boy brains, guys. And? Nothing wrong with it, either. You like watching all those tall, tan, women… getting sweaty… all strong and flexible… you're little brains get going… I wonder what it would be like to… yeah… you know. Well? Why didn't any of you ever date one? Why just Panic here? I think I know why… deep inside, your precious manhood is wounded, if you date a girl that plays basketball, because you know she can beat you at one on one, if you're not a basketball star. Or, the girl is too tall or too strong, you're afraid the other guys will make fun of you for dating an amazon… right? I already know all this."

   Rob didn't want the talking stick.

   "If you boys were really macho men? You wouldn't be intimidated by a woman playing sports, working out, or having a fucking opinion… when the men are talking. And I'm not even a feminist. I want a return to old fashioned family values. The small town model of society brought back. Honestly, you guys sit around and complain that women act silly? And the minute a woman doesn't act like a silly girl… you get all weird."

   Nothing.

   "I rest my case… you guys gonna vote or something? Go ahead…"

   Skykid took the voting, and Merry was counted to have "won" the debate. After the vote, small talk and chuckling went around in little groups of two's and three's. Skykid sat with Panic and Merry. Rob quickly came over to sit with them.

   "Are you mad at me, little Robbie?"

   "No. You won fair and square. I can't complain. Where in the hell did you learn to debate."

   "Hmm. This particular debate? I've been having this debate, most of my life. Gotten pretty good at it over time. You sure you're not mad?"

   "Nope. My debate on the subject obviously needs to get better. Can we agree on something though, now that it's over?"

   "Maybe. On what?"

   "That… there's definitely something wrong today. All the women need to go out and get jobs. There's too many people working, it keeps the wages down. Makes it harder for men to raise the family. Women are still demanding men that make more money to take care of them and the children. Women are all over the internet, slapping men because they know they shouldn't be hit back… it's ridiculous."

   "Oh no. I'm with you on all that shit, Rob. Almost all the modern, independent women? Act like spoiled cunts. There, I said it. I honestly think a lot of these so called powerful business women? Are just bossy bitches, and no one is allowed to call them on it. The dirty little secret? Most so called power women, the CEOs? Usually run big companies into the ground. I'm with you… I think feminism? Has women running the show and ordering men around, and… its ruining society. I just don't think I'm responsible for it."

   "I guess you're not."

   "But? I admit… most women probably should be more on your program. Honestly? Yeah. On average… men are stronger than women. On average? Men tend to be smarter than women at a lot of stuff. I think, the problem is this… women that aren't strong enough or smart enough, from playing a rigged game that favors them? Got a spoiled little kid attitude. There, I said it. I'm pretty sure the feminists like seeing a girl like me? And… I refuse to join their ranks. There are differences between men and women. I admit it."

   "I'm sorry about the… no kids thing. I wouldn't have went there, if I'd have known."

   "It's fine. How would you know? You couldn't."

   "You know… you really are good for Panic here. He really, really, likes you."

   "Actually? He tells me he loves me. And I tell him the same thing. But thanks, even though I already know about it. So… Rob. I admitted you're actually right about there being problems between men and women in America. Maybe you could give me your take on something back?"

   "Sure."

   "Why do men like looking at women playing sports, women in the Olympics, dancers. Imagining being with them… then? They choose to go out with silly little girls, like the girly girls at your little shoe meeting. Why can't any of the women at your church, have an opinion?"

   "Merry. Maybe the problem, is that you're the exception, rather than the rule. Or I just don't know. Panic is… different, I guess, from most guys I ever met. You? Yeah, you're different too, just in a different way. Speaking as a minister, and, now that I know you can't have children… are you two happy together?"

   Merry and Panic both looked at each other, and both smiled, and both nodded yes.

   "All right. That's what matters. I guess, what I'm afraid of? Is that a woman like you, comes marching into my shoe meeting as you put it? Either wearing the husband's shoes, they're the same size, or, like you said… bare feet because your husband's shoes don't fit. It ruins the whole icebreaker, that women need men, and that women should, in most cases, be at home taking care of the children. That they can't do what the men do. I mean most women, you know what I mean."

   "Robbie… you're being nice, but, you're saying I wouldn't be welcome in your church meeting. You wouldn't want me in your flock… only little girly sheep allowed. No big girl sheep."

   "Merry… I won't lie to you. I wouldn't want you at the shoe meeting, no. And the reason? Is because the other women might get weird ideas. Women that aren't smart and strong enough to be like you? Plus… I don't want my… I don't wanna call it my authority challenged, but… something like that."

   "Gee. I feel really wanted at your church…"

   "Merry? I would talk to you privately, ahead of time… and explain why I didn't want you at the meeting. At that meeting. But… there's other meetings? I'd love to have you there."

   "Really? Like what… you're just saying that…"

   "No. I'd show you off. There's a fine line. Men and women aren't supposed to get divorced because the partner gets fat, but… that's also no excuse for a woman to marry a tall, strong, handsome man? Then sit at home on her ass all day, eating cookie dough, and complain when her husband is unsatisfied when she's a 300 pound cow. And that goes for the men, too. No excuse for some guy to marry a beautiful woman, then turn into a disgusting smelly pig, and expect her to fuck him with enthusiasm every night. The man and the woman, should both be trying to be the best they can for the other."

   "You're not just trying to be nice…"

   "No. I'm not. Ask anyone? I won't say things just to be nice. You trust Panic? He'll tell you that, I'm sure. Yes, you're tall and strong. But… like you said, when you get dressed up? You're still very feminine. Again, a good example. Women having crew cuts, and pretending to be stronger and smarter than they are? Is just silly. Now… can I ask something… personal, like a minister would ask?"

   "Hmm. Sure, go ahead. We're all good friends here."

   "Thanks. You and Panic. Your… relationship. I know you two are silly in love, everyone can see it. How does the rest of the relationship work, outside of the… hormones department. Do you two think the rest of the relationship will work, when that phase dies down? Because physical intimacy, yes, it's extremely important. It's the mortar that holds the wall together, and makes it strong. But… the bricks the mortar holds together? That's everything else."

   "You're wondering if I wear the pants around the cabin, and he likes fucking me so much? He lets me do it. Get the dick out of your mouth, Robbie, and spit it out plain."

   "All right. Do you wear the pants around the cabin every day?"

   "Not really, no. Believe it or not? I found myself going to Panic here, for advice on stuff. Things I didn't know he would be good at the advice. It… surprised me. He's right about a lot of stuff."

   "Hmm. A woman, especially a strong and independent woman… admits to sometimes going to her man for advice how to handle some things. Fucking amazing. Panic… do you agree with this?"

   "No, she's not just saying it. She definitely takes advice on some things. Lord knows, I'm not perfect. I'm actually content, to hear her view on things, too. It doesn't bother me, to be with a smart woman, that has an opinion. I handed her the keys to a few things, to handle for me. Things I ain't any good at."

   "Wow. You're both describing being partners. I'm impressed. Do… both of you think that together, you two are doing better. Not just two people that don't need anything, just enjoying hormones."

   Merry smiled.

   "I feel like we're better off together. Panic?"

   "No, I feel the same way."

   "Merry? Everyone sitting here right now… you two obviously, me, Sky… we all know things that no one else knows. And, unless I miss my guess, I bet there's even more in play, that we know nothing about. I don't care about that, you two keep your secrets. Merry, are you sure this isn't just… you needed special help…"

   "No, I don't think so. We were an item before that shit happened. And… the special help? I don't know how I got so lucky. Part of me hates feeling like a helpless woman, and, the other part? Is grateful I got the help. I mean, under normal circumstances? I can more or less take care of myself."

   "Wow. You feel like your… man… makes you feel safe and protected. Again, fucking amazing. It's supposed to be like that, Merry. Doesn't it feel good, to know someone has your back, and that they can handle things?"

   Merry admitted it did, by nodding.

   "Well, last thing. Finances. Now look… I know you're both not working. Is this going to work out okay? Finances and expectations, can ruin an otherwise perfect relationship."

   Panic smiled.

   "Rob? I won't tell anyone how much, but, she knows I have a nest egg put back. She just doesn't know how big, or small… that it might or might not be."

   "Rob… I was into him before I knew he was anything but some guy that gave everything up, job included, to work on his Speedy case, whatever it is. You can ask him, when we first met? I wouldn't let him buy me a coffee and a breakfast sandwich. I don't like guys buying my time I spend with them, like a lot of girls seem to enjoy."

   "And Rob? She's out of work, but… Merry might have her own nest egg put back from somewhere. I didn't know about that, until recently. Don't say anything to anyone. And, I don't even wanna know how big or small it is. I never did care about money, and everyone knows it."

   "Hey, I'm not trying to pry. But, as a minister? I'm required to check on financial shit like that."

   "Honestly Rob? We're not even spending my own money here right now, believe it or not. After… DC happened? Internal Affairs gave me a debit card to get her the fuck out of the city, and keep her safe. They gave us another one? And, we never even went through the first one. We… well, we really don't have any financial issues. Neither one of us needs the other that way. We just like being with one another. We agreed, that we both feel like we found something we didn't think existed."

   "That's… good to hear."

   "Robbie? I know some terms people use. To describe the… craziness of today in our society. I know what women are doing today, and I don't approve. I'm not some girl, living in the city, riding the cock carousel and partying until I'm 30, 35, 40… then going… gee, I'm ready to settle down now… accept me as the hot basket case I am. I'm honestly not like that. I can imagine what you guys think of me, with what you think you know about me. I've had to work 6, sometimes 7 days a week. 8, 10, 12 hours a day. Just to have a motel room, and put up with the city."

   "Merry, you're honestly okay living out here? You don't want a big house in some nice zip code?"

   "Robbie? I wasn't kidding. Our tiny cabin? It's bigger than my tiny motel apartment. Panic? Went and rebuilt an oven, it's like having a new oven. I wasn't even allowed to have anything but a little microwave in my motel. I love it here. We honestly both have our own money, and neither one of us really wants for anything."

   "You guys don't have any plans?"

   "I have the stupid trial coming up sometime. Now that my crazy shit is settled down, Panic wants to finish his Speedy case. Then? Back here, or back at his house, probably here. We both have our own hobbies we wanna do. I wanna tend bar a couple nights a week. Him? You guys claim the range and the property wants him. He said we can make our own cabin out here, most likely. What else is there to plan?"

   Skykid smiled.

   "Panic? Don't forget what we talked about. The gun shop idea? It'll help you two out, as much as I won't lie, the boys would love the idea too. Just promise me, you'll think about it."

   "Well, believe it or not. When Speedy and George and their guests get in, whenever that is? I'll pretty much see about it. I'm not… owed anything, per se? But… I've been building up brownie points. And I haven't tried to cash any of them in yet. I didn't forget what you said, Sky… I plan on pulling the string, while I still have it. Thing is, my string has suddenly gotten stronger lately, and… I think it's finally time to try yanking on it. Call it? My hunch."

   "Panic? This frog says… that even with all the god damned equations I've seen you fill notebooks up with? That could easily be the smartest thing I ever heard you say, if you know what I mean."

   "Merry? What do you think about me maybe having some kind of half ass gun shop here. You know, it's my hobby anyways. There's literally not a gun shop within over a hundred miles of where we sit, and tons of hunters and farmers always in and out of here. I think the ammunition sales alone would turn a profit. Not to mention, all the guns and equipment I could have around me. For me and the boys. What do you think… would you give that your blessing?"

   "Do we still get to stay in our cabin here?"

   Panic chuckled.

   "Yes dear. Of course."

   "Then it's fine with me. Sounds like you work at home, or just in town, right?"

   "Of course. It would kinda, sorta, be like part of the range. In a way."

   "Fine by me. Have fun. I'm allowed to work on my articles and my book, right?"

   "Sure. Why not."

   "Okay… now that that's all settled… what about our dinner, mister."

   "We… were gonna have meatball subs and garlic bread. We still can."

   "You wanna go now? Or…"

   Skykid piped up.

   "Rob? You lost the vote on your debate. You wanna drive Merry down to let her grab dinner for the lovebirds?"

   "We'll take my truck. Sky? You're coming with us…"

   On the short walk to Rob's work pickup, Merry confided in him…

   "Robbie? Your actually pretty good at… minister-ring, or, whatever you and your flock calls it."

   "Merry, when all three of us got out of the service? We each wanted to settle down and get some kind of education. Panic? Wanted to get a degree or two in computer science. Skykid? Wanted to be an electrician. Me? I got a college degree at my seminary. To be a professional minister of my church. To run a church, to oversee the needs of my flock. Counseling? Was a big part of my degree. Particularly couples counseling. Trust me, it doesn't pay very well. It guarantees me spending way more of my limited free time, than if I got paid minimum wage for every hour I spend at it."

   "Wow, Robbie. You do charity…"

   "Well, it's not technically charity, but… its close."

   "I'm impressed, Robbie. Really, I am."

   "Yeah. As well you should be, Merry. I'm German, and I'm an ubermensch. Now, only Jesus Christ was ever truly perfect? But… I run a close second."

   They were just getting in the truck, and Merry was sandwiched in between Rob and Sky in the bench seat. Skykid laughed…

   "Yeah. And the greatest thing about Rob? Is how humble he is."

   They all laughed as they set off.

   "Merry? I don't want you to take this the wrong way…"

   "No, go ahead."

   "Rob? Don't you think you could quit while you're ahead at this? Jesus…"

   "No, Sky. It's all right. Panic values his opinion? So… I guess I do too. Go ahead, Robbie…"

   "Like I said, don't take it the wrong way. I think you, personally? Are a wonderful girl. But… your life? Is crazy, Merry. Honestly, just crazy. I'm not ashamed to admit it, but, I don't want my little daughter to end up one day… in the city, over 30, single… working 6 and 7 days a week, 10 to 12 hours every day, in a restaurant. Hanging out with, and dating… outlaw bikers with rap sheets longer than my arm. Dirty cops breaking into her apartment to assassinate her in her sleep. Hiding out, with dirty cops sniffing cocaine and heroin, coming to snuff her out up behind some biker bar. I mean, I know I'm an asshole I guess, but… if I don't allow her to play kickball with the boys, and it puts a stop to all that shit? Maybe you can see where I'm coming from here. My flock doesn't want that, either."

   "Don't forget my big ass feet, Robbie… that's what started all this, if you remember. My big feet. If she looks like she's gonna have big feet? Get them, I don't know, plastic… surgically… made smaller."

   "It's not exactly funny, Merry. Me, Skykid here, Panic? We survived crazy shit when we were younger. Panic's one of my best friends, and… so far? You got him shot once, and almost killed twice. Three times, if we count the bar thing that was a little hairy for a minute. And it's not that they didn't all have it fucking coming, but… 15 dead cops, dirty as hell, I grant you, but still… can my best friend, hit the all fun part of dating you anytime soon?"

   Skykid cut in.

   "Wait a minute Rob, fair is fair. I helped make the videos, there were only 16 cops in those 4 cars, 3 survived. And yeah, I guess the one that popped Panic in the shoulder, in DC? That makes 14."

   "Skykid? Where do you really think me and Panic went, huh? A 'hunting trip', to go look for a gunsmith? Come on…"

   "Aw. Why didn't I get to go? I could of helped out. If nothing else? Frenchie is the taxi. I could of helped with scouting out, yada yada."

   "Sky? I appreciate it, but, we had to run a blackout sheet on a straggler. Some asshole that should of been lured up to behind the bar, with all his buddies. We… took care of it. Quietly."

   "Oh. Cowboy hit, huh?"

   "No. Little reloading accident…"

   "Really? Sneaky, I like it. Hey, these guys had it coming. Imagine how many other waitresses or whatever these guys popped before. They were all someone's daughter too, you know. It's a public service."

   "Sky? That's not the point. I guess the point is… is all this crazy stuff over now?"

   "I think so, Robbie. It's looking like, just the stupid trial. That? Should be long and boring. Then… I can come back to Panic. I'm telling you, I like boring now. I really do. I'll never complain about being bored, ever again, I don't think. As long as I'll be bored with Panic? It'll be fine."

   Rob sighed.

   "What now, Little Robbie."

   "Aw, nothing serious. When we were debating? You scared the shit out of me, that's all."

   "How?"

   "My boy? Already got me worried. He's… I think he's way too quiet. Always reading books on water. Anything about water. Marine biology. Fish. Dolphins. Sharks. Whales. Got a book on octopus and squid. I don't even know where he got the 400 page book on plankton. Did you know they have 400 page books, on nothing but fucking plankton? Well, they do, and he has one. Reminds me too damn much about Panic, talking about being little, reading too many books. That's already got me worried about him."

   "How did I scare you then?"

   "Ah. The little girl. She's the daredevil outta the two of them. When you said about jumping from the couch to the chair just to have fun? That's her."

   Merry waited a little bit.

   "Well? How big are her feet then?"

   Rob put the truck in park.

   "Merry? I'm damn near 6 and a half feet tall… and I wear size 16 work boots. You do the math on that one…"

   "Sorry, Robbie."

   "That part ain't your fault, Merry. Go get the food…"

   "Well, how big is the mom?"

   Rob smiled.

   "5'10"… played softball. Shortstop."

   "Ouch."

   Rob sighed and laughed.

   "You know something? I ain't never seen Panic like this. Since we got back, I mean. We stayed up late, around the fire? Had a few extra drinks. He's making jokes, and I mean jokes ain't like him. He was pissed at the DC cops. He's cracking jokes about bombing the police station… maybe blowing up cop cars… or just going hunting. Said they were about a big drug dealing gang anyways, he was cracking jokes about going open season, no bag limit on the motherfuckers. I know him well enough? To know you can't always tell when he's just joking. Half the crazy shit we pulled down south? Were his ideas."

   Skykid reminded him…

   "Rob? They did try to kill him in his sleep. And they shot him in the shoulder. Yeah, he got pissed."

   "He wanted to be alone in that cabin. He wanted you to get a few too. He insisted on both of those things. He said? It was personal between him and them. Honestly? Skykid could have easily parked, and came up along the wood line, with a scoped rifle. It would of been a whole lot safer and easier. He wouldn't fucking hear of it. He insisted, no way, it's personal…"

   "Well, it's all over now, Robbie."

   "Yeah… but my kids? I got a boy that's too damned quiet, reading too many books… I got a girl with big feet, jumping from the couch to the chair, and the mom played shortstop. You and Panic? Are in some ways… crazier then I am. And ask Skykid here, that's saying something. And it's looking like I got one of each of you, young, in my house at home. It's scaring me."

   Skykid tried to console the distraught father…

   "Rob? You're worrying about shit that ain't never happened yet."

   Merry patted him on the shoulder before she hopped out to get the food, Skykid was standing by his open door to the truck to allow her out.

   "I'm sure you're kids will be fine, Robbie."

   "Aw, just go get the food already. I'm getting hungry now too, talking about it."

   Instead of just making a couple or even several meatball hoagies? Merry just grabbed the entire big pot, and a small stack of loaves of bread. She checked with Skykid, the gourmet, that he had everything they needed to simmer the meatballs and meat sauce, and toast the buns, and stuff to make garlic toast.

   The drive back to the main camp was a lot lighter in mood and atmosphere. Rob only made one off color joke.

   "Honestly. What kind of world do we live in. Where you have to go around killing dirty cops, and it's the right thing to do? How the fuck did it end up like this, it's insane. Honestly and truly? I always thought people were off their rocker, teaching their kids to never talk to cops, and always run from them, and never tell on criminals to the cops, or the cops might kill them for telling. Now? I gotta rethink this."

   No one could argue with that logic.