Endgame - Chapter 102

   By the time they made town and got to the diner, they saw George and his wife, sitting at the Chief's usual corner table. The Chief was getting done watching his phone, and Marvin was sitting across the table from the three of them. They walked over after waving to Marnie and pointing at the Chief's table. George pointed them out, and waved. The Chief smiled and waved them over as well.

   "Hey, speak of the Devil. Sit down, sit down."

   "Aw. You might want privacy. Work and all."

   "No. Law enforcement in this town, isn't conducted in secret meetings. Telling the people one thing, then giving secret instructions to the cops, on how to get around it. That's Chicago bullshit. I'm not ashamed to let people know how things are supposed to work around here. I'm just getting finished, with my own… investigation."

   He put the phone down.

   "Marvin. I'd ask to see your own video, but, unless it shows something that's not on here…"

   "Oh. I didn't make a video."

   "Really? Why not. I mean, what do you think the body cams are for. Let's say… you say someone is breaking the law, and they say they weren't. You have video, to prove it. Works the other way, too. Maybe a citizen accuses you of doing something, you say you didn't. Now? You have a video, that shows they're lying."

   "Well, I really didn't think it was a big deal. I just wanted ID, didn't picture it would turn into a federal case."

   "All right. You? Driving along. Patrolling. You? Said you think you saw something suspicious. Had to be something, right? I mean, you stopped. You got out. You started to interact with the public. I don't care how important or unimportant you think it's going to be. Record it anyways, from now on. You help an old lady across the street? I want a video of it. This ain't the big city, Marvin. We don't have secrets from the public here."

   "Okay. Sorry. Video anything and everything."

   "Good, that's what I want. See, the little cards the cameras store the movies on? Used to be expensive, used to be small. Now? Big and cheap. I got a whole box of the damn things. Throw a couple in the glove compartment, so you have them."

   "All right."

   "Now. Before we start, Marvin. I got sent a video. Of what happened. The video seems to start, showing you still in the car, rolling down the window. Now, did something happen before that, I need to know about? Did you see… an altercation. Did you hear gunshots. Did you see people, jumping off the road and diving into the woods, to hide. Anything like that?"

   "Nothing that bad, no."

   "Okay. So, explain it to me. I wanna see this from your point of view. What did you see, driving down the road, that made you think there was a crime going on."

   "I was on routine patrol. I was traveling south, towards the southern end of town, when I observe---"

   "Stop. What are you doing."

   "I'm explaining why---"

   "No. Why are you talking like that? That's cop talk. Cops do that on camera, cops do that in courtrooms. But… you were a cop somewhere else, before you moved, right?"

   "Yeah."

   "Right. Did you talk to the other cops informally like that?"

   "Well, no. I j---"

   "So? Don't do cop talk. That alienates us from the civilians in town. We want the people in town to know we're one of them. So? We talk like they do. Now, just tell me in your own words, what you were doing. What you saw."

   "I was… driving around. When Steve was still driving me around, I already knew that was a big private property. And he had explained, that George's property… well… that George is highly concerned with trespassing. I saw two people hiding in the woods, just off the road."

   "Hmm. Hiding in the woods. So… they were, like, all ducking down. Peeping up at cars going by. Like… bandits, waiting for the stagecoach to go by. Like that?"

   George had to suppress a giggle, because The Chief had been imitating a cowboy movie, watching the trail for the stagecoach.

   "Well, no, not exactly like that."

   "Okay. How exactly then. How were they hiding, and being suspicious."

   "Well…"

   "Okay Marvin. I don't want you to think I'm getting in your shit, I'm not. I'm trying to explain what's different about here, versus working in the inner city. First off? No cop talk. Also? We don't do… cop talk, and try to make everything sound as ominous as possible, like cops in a courtroom. If a prosecutor wants you to do that? They'll tell you. Now, when you end up in front of the local magistrate, for a fine or something? He doesn't like that either. Me and the magistrate are on the same page. Just talk like a normal person."

   "All right."

   "So. I noticed you stopped explaining. You said you thought you saw people hiding, in the woods. Or… without cop talk, maybe what you meant to say, was that you simply saw two people. Which one was it."

   "I could see the tops of their heads."

   "So. We started out, you thought you saw two people hiding in the woods. Now, it's two people in the woods. What did it look to you, like they were doing?"

   "Uhm…"

   "See what I'm getting at, Marvin? We're not out looking for reasons to stop people, and start issuing commands, talking cop talk, when there's probably nothing going on."

   "But, chief…"

   "But what? Go ahead."

   "How am I supposed to know what's going on. I have to get out. Investigate. And anytime I investigate, I need to know who I'm dealing with. I need to ID people, I need t---"

   "Whoa, Marvin. Stop right there. You said, you were driving past, and you saw two people. Doing nothing in particular. So… you stop the patrol car, and start ordering people around. Demanding IDs. Talking cop talk. Marvin? You're describing that you need to stop and investigate, and take charge, anytime you see ordinary citizens out and about. That's not what we do here. Now. What do we do? We answer calls. Any call, no matter how small. Someone picks up the phone and calls the cops? We'll send one out, even if it's nothing. If we're not on a call? We just drive around, and watch."

   "Chief? I had classes. I didn't just answer an ad in the paper."

   "Marvin? I had the same classes. I had to take more classes, to be the Chief. You think I don't know what you're describing? Oh, I can quote it chapter and verse. Every member of the general public, is guilty of some crime, no matter how big or how small. It's your job, as a law enforcement officer, to figure out a legal reason to stop, and investigate, and determine what that crime might be. That about it?"

   "Well, you make it sound, so…"

   "I'm not making it sound like anything, Marvin. It sounds like what it is. You see a human being? They're the enemy. They're guilty of something. You stop, you take charge, you crawl up their ass with a magnifying glass. I had the same classes, Marvin. We don't do that around here. Now, I'd ask where you grew up, but… I can tell you didn't grow up in the country, hunting and fishing, did you."

   "No. I grew up… hell. In the 'burbs, really."

   "Right. Cops probably acted like that, where you came from, didn't they?"

   "Yeah."

   "Right. We're about as country as you can get, Marvin. That's not how things work around here."

   "Well… am I just supposed to drive around blindfolded? Not get out of my car, except to help people carry things, then drive off. How in the hell am I supposed to find crimes that way?"

   The Chief started chuckling.

   "Marvin? You, are describing the classic case, of the us versus them mentality of the police. Of the police, versus the citizens. Maybe other places need that? We don't need it here. We don't want it. You may find this hard to believe, Marvin… but most people have a wonderful understanding of breaking the law. Example. Someone sees someone breaking a window, and robbing a place. They'll call it in. That's how we know a crime's taking place. This isn't a small town? It's a tiny town. Everybody, knows everybody. They already know everything about everyone. If there's a crime taking place? Someone will dial 911."

   "Right. Like everyone's just a model citizen…"

   "Marvin? I can appreciate this is going to take a little getting used to. Most of my cops go through this adjustment period. Now. What happened the first week you were here. I'm talking about the tire shop."

   "Well. I saw a number of white male---"

   "No cop talk, Marvin. What did you see."

   "I saw a bunch of guys, after dark, going into the tire shop. After hours."

   "Right. You dragged the owner, and all his employees out… and you lined them up. You took all their IDs. Then? You held them, while you called in a possible burglary. You almost got into a fight. Now. What did I tell you about that."

   "You said, it was okay to stop, but… I should have just asked what was going on, and when the guy said he owned the place, and they drink beer after hours? I should have just had them on cop-cam video, and left."

   "Exactly. If you got everyone's face and vehicle recorded anyways, and the story's plausible? Fine. If it really was a burglary? Won't take too long to track down the vehicles and the faces anyways. Magic of a tiny hunting town, everyone already knows everyone, and knows all the vehicles by sight."

   "I remember."

   "I also remember, Steve said he had to stop you a million times, talking to people. You want to pat everyone down. Christ, you tried to handcuff the owner of this very diner. What are you trying to do, patting everyone down. Trying to put everyone in handcuffs. I already know, but tell me anyways."

   "Until I can ascertain---"

   "Normal talk…"

   "Sorry. A police officer, anytime he stops people, to investigate… needs to ensure his own safety. That involves patting the person down, to make sure they aren't carrying any dangerous weapons. Handcuffing them for their protection, as well as mine."

   "Yeah. Marvin? Do you have any idea how many people are carrying guns in this town? Pretty much everybody. They all hunt, they all go out in the woods, they all own guns. They all carry handguns. They all have shotguns in their pick up trucks. If someone isn't taking a swing at you, and they're talking? We don't pat people down. We don't handcuff every person we stop to talk to. No one, is going to do anything to you, Marvin. Now. Moving right along… how do we talk to people."

   "No cop talk."

   "Right. We're in charge, we're the police. But… we don't rub the public's nose in it. You stop and talk to someone? You do it politely. You don't order them, you ask them nicely. Just about everyone will do it, if you ask politely."

   "Well… what if people aren't complying? What about when they're disrespectful. These two? They were rude. They wouldn't listen to a thing I had to stay, they wouldn't obey any of my commands."

   "I watched the video, Marvin. You just pulled over, for honestly no reason, other than you saw two people in the woods. You! Get over here! Then? You start demanding IDs. Telling people to keep their hands where you can see them. Putting your hand on your gun."

   "Chief… I'm conducting a routine Terry stop."

   "Oh, Christ. Terry vs. Ohio. I know all about it. I had classes too, Marvin. You forgot the most important thing about the Terry stop."

   "What's that?"

   "I watched the whole video. Where was your real and articulable suspicion. You observed? Two people, I'm pretty sure, sitting on a log in the woods. Talking quietly. How in the hell, does this make for real and articulable suspicion? Explain that to me. In everyday terms, that a normal citizen would understand. Go on."

   "Well…"

   "See? You can't. Then, you compounded it. By starting to order everyone around. After you stopped, for absolutely no reason."

   "They weren't being respectful, and they weren't following orders."

   "Marvin? This might come as a surprise to you, but… exactly what law in this state, can you charge people with for being disrespectful? You tell me that statute."

   "Disorderly conduct."

   The Chief laughed.

   "I know, most police use Dis Con, as a catch all fine, when they can't figure something else out. We don't do that. There's no law that says people have to be polite to you. Hell, we got an old lady in town here? Mean old buzzard. She'll tell you, right to your face, to go fuck yourself. She ain't never so much as jaywalked once I know of, but… she sure ain't polite. To anyone. And that includes me. We all think it's funny. But let's go further. Did you pull over a car? Or, were people just sitting and talking."

   "They weren't driving. No."

   "Right. People have a lot more rights, when they're walking. As opposed to driving."

   "I know. It goes to voluntary compliance."

   "Yeah, I love that term. Voluntary compliance. Had that class, too. That's the class, where you sweet talk the citizen out of their rights, and get them to voluntarily comply, with what you want. I watched the video, Marvin. The funny thing about going down the route to voluntary compliance? What are you supposed to do, when they don't volunteer?"

   "Well…"

   "Yeah. You stop, with no real and articulable suspicion. Start demanding people show IDs, and you detain them. Then, if they don't go along and volunteer, like you're trying to get them to do? You stick your hand on your gun, and you start telling them that they're now being suspicious. Marvin, the time for suspicion? Is before you stop. You don't generate suspicion. Now. Last but not least. You admitted, that you knew you were on private property, right?"

   "Yes. Thought they might be trespassing."

   "I watched the video, Marvin. You stopped for no reason, because you saw people doing nothing. They refused to give you IDs, and you started assaulting and threatening them."

   "I didn't assault anyone."

   "You didn't? I watched the video. Twice. You raised your voice, you were poking him in the chest, and you were putting your hand on your gun. What would you call it, if a member of the public came up to you, started poking you in the chest. I already know, you'd call it assault, and want to arrest them."

   "Well… I'm a cop, for Christ's sake… that's why they call it assault of a police officer, Chief."

   "Okay. Calm down. Now? We're getting to the root of the problem. You seem to think, that you can raise your voice, for no reason. Poke people in the chest. Put your hand on your gun. And, you don't think that's assault. You don't think that's threatening members of the public, for no reason. I already know you don't. The thing is? If someone else touches you, with their finger? Oh, that's assault. Marvin? You can't have it both ways."

   "Chief, you're really making this sound---"

   "Sound like what? You wouldn't feel threatened, if someone yelled at you, poked you in the chest, ordering you around, and stuck their hand on their gun? I'm pretty sure you'd think you were being threatened. And at the same time? You, want to do all of that, and more… and say everything is hunky dory. That's what I'm getting at."

   "All right. What should I have done then. How do I figure out if people are trespassing or not."

   "You mean, what would I have done?"

   "Sure."

   "Okay. I'm driving along. I do it all the time. There, I see two people just off the road. In the woods. Sure, I might stop. But… I get out, and I wave to the people. Say hello. How you folks doing. Now, if they run? Yeah, something might be going on. But if they wave back. Say hello back. I'll ask them if they're doing okay, do they need anything. Maybe they could use a ride. Now, once I have a friendly conversation going? I might very politely, slip in asking them if they know they're on private property. I do it like that? They'll volunteer how they know George the property owner, how they manage the property for him. Then? I smile, I wave, and I drive off. After telling them to have a nice day. If they were lying to me? I have them on my cop cam video. I can go and get them picked up later if I find out they were up to something. See the difference? I'll get the exact same results, but… the public likes it when the police are friendly like that. Hell, Marvin. Most of the people wave and talk to the cops like anyone else in town. You go doing what you just did a few more times? No one will wanna talk to us, or deal with us. And they'll go the other way, anytime they see us coming. That's not my game plan."

   "All right, Chief."

   "Look, Marvin. I know this is all new to you. Let me put this in terms you can understand. How different would you act, if the person you saw… was another cop's mother, and you knew it. I just bet… you wouldn't act like I saw on that video, would you?"

   "Well, no."

   "Why not? I mean, last time I checked? Everyone in this country, is entitled to be treated the same, by the law. As far as I know, no one in this state, enacted a law that says, citizens have less rights than police officers. No law saying that police officers have more rights than citizens. Correct me if I'm wrong."

   Marvin just shook his head.

   "Exactly. And that? Is your new model, for how you act. To everyone. Pretend you're looking at, and about to deal with, another cop's relative. Because that? Is how I want you to treat e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e. Now. Why wouldn't you demand ID, from your brother cop's mother?"

   "Because. I already know who she is."

   "Right! Everyone here? Knows everyone already. That's why we don't ID everyone. Do you know how the civilians in this town see the cops, until you got here?"

   "How."

   "To them? We're just people that live here. We have jobs. We're no different, than the guys changing tires at the tire shop. We do a different job, we wear a different uniform. But… we're not special. Now. Let's go over the basics again. What do we do on patrol. About traffic detail. Who do we pull over."

   "If they're not sliding sideways, they're not speeding. If they're not driving on the wrong side of the road around corners, they're not being dangerous."

   "And what do we do, when we find that."

   "We issue a warning. Every time."

   "Because?"

   "If you find a zillion warnings, you'll handle it."

   "Good. There's a reason, that we don't have speed guns. What about stop signs."

   "Stop signs are important. Issue a warning and catalog it."

   "And running stop lights?"

   "We don't have any stop lights. If I see someone running a red light, I'm out of my jurisdiction anyways."

   "Great. What do we do, when we pull someone over."

   "Polite and friendly, just issue the warning and let them go, and tell them to drive safely, and have a nice day."

   "What don't we do, when we pull people over."

   "No investigation. No searching the cars. No demanding to know what they were doing or where they were going."

   "Right. Why is that?"

   "Because, just about everyone is carrying a handgun anyways. No need to search for something you already know they probably have anyways."

   "And what do we do, if we think we smell alcohol?"

   "We let them sleep it off at the police station, then cut them loose at first light."

   "What do you have to do, to actually get a DUI?"

   "Have a wreck."

   "What do we do, if a drunk person gets unruly, and doesn't wanna go sleep it off, down at the station."

   "Call for backup. No high speed chases."

   "Why?"

   "Because I should already have their face on cop cam, I already have their vehicle and license plate. We can go pick them up whenever we feel like it, without risking a catastrophe."

   "Excellent. I'm not mad, Marvin. I just don't wanna screw up what we have going here. This place? Tiny hunting town. Everyone, either owns a business here or nearby. Or works at someone's business here, or nearby. People come here, for two reasons. They wanna stay at the bed and breakfast houses, and go see the shops and go bird-watching. Or? They come in for hunting and fishing. Can't remember the last armed robbery we had. Hell, we don't even have a bank to rob. Tiny town? Tiny crimes. We want people to come here."

   "All right, chief."

   "One last thing, Marvin. The last place you worked. How do you get a promotion."

   "Well. The guy that issues the most fines that get held up in court, the guy with the most successful arrests. That guy's in line for a promotion."

   "Yeah. We don't do that shit. All that does, is piss all the civilians off. We can't do that to all the out of towners coming in either. Or, they'll go to some other tiny hunting town, and spend their money there, instead of here. Do you know why people leave the city, and end up here?"

   "Uh… I guess, to get away from the city crime."

   "Yeah. Second most popular answer? I can't drive across my own town after dark, without getting handcuffed and my car searched for no reason. I don't want that here. Remember. Every person you see, every person you deal with? You start treating them, like it's a cop's relative. Because that's how cops are supposed to treat people anyways. All right?"

   "Yeah, Chief."

   "Good. Now remember. I ain't mad, I just wanna get you on board with the program around here. So no hard feelings. You'll get used to it. Hell, I started out working Chicago. Fucking cesspool. This is way better, you'll see. You want a sandwich or something?"

   "No, thanks. I already had lunch."

   "All right. Go on out there. Wait for a call, and just drive around and remember how to treat people. Better yet? Bring me a cop cam video. Find someone to help. Give someone a ride that their car broke down. Help an old lady across the street. Carry some old lady's groceries. That stuff? Does more to help law enforcement, than all the other stuff you're used to. You want the civilians to see you as one of them, then they'll come and tell you when something's going down. Okay?"

   "All right, Chief. George. Sorry about that, Mister…"

   "No mister, name's Panic. This is Merry."

   "Sorry about that. See you… and hey. Chief?"

   "Yeah?"

   "You were talking about maybe some hours, this weekend. I hope this didn't…"

   "Oh. Weekends are… funny here. I'm going to send you out with Steve. Here's what you'll get. Some criminal mischief. Cars with people parking and making whooppee. Maybe one or two fistfights. You'll watch how Steve handles everything. We have a kind of a system for it. It ain't perfect? But it more or less works. Teenagers will be mainly drinking beer and smoking cigarettes around campfires. He'll show you how to handle routine stuff like that. It's honestly like a big high school. Everyone gets drunk, and fucks everyone elses wife and girlfriend, then they fistfight over it. Like I said, it's routine. Steve will show you what to do. Just stand around and look pretty till he tells you what he wants you to do."

   "Thanks Chief…"

   When he was out the door, George chuckled, the Chief giggled, and Merry and Panic both grinned.

   "Goddamn it, I can't send him out on a weekend, without Steve. Christ, He'll just be tasering people, pulling his gun every two seconds, trying to arrest half the town for having a beer after work's over. I'd never hear the end of it. What am I supposed to do, lock up teenagers every weekend for being teenagers? I want the teenagers drinking beer and smoking cigarettes around a campfire, trying to bang their little girlfriends. Keeps 'em out of real trouble."

   George and his wife asked how things were going in town. Smiling, because the Chief was all but a sarcastic comedian.

   "Right this second? Drunken fistfights over who's pole is in which hole, is coming in pretty low. On account of hunting season. The husbands and boyfriends are mainly out hunting. Till now, cause that's winding down. Also, the women in town, have been sampling the out of town hunters coming in and staying, again, with no trouble because the men are all out hunting. But, that's about to change. The outsider hunters are packing up and leaving, which means less strange cocks, which means back to fucking each other's husbands."

   George giggled.

   "So, that's this weekend, you figure?"

   "Pretty much. All the boys will hit the bars, get drunk, brag about all the big bucks they supposedly shot, how many does they tagged. Sometime after midnight, just about everybody will get the brilliant idea, to park with whatever girl winks at them in the bar. Full moon coming in, so that about guarantees that. But, that's normal."

   "Business as usual."

   "Yeah… novelty stuff? Always got something brewing, you know. Now, the girl that worked at the donut shop. She was married, and she's staying in prison for just about good. Which means, there's a newly loose husband running around. He's been running around with the cub scout den mother, but then again, who the hell hasn't, you know? She might as well post a fuck schedule on a bulletin board somewhere. She's fucked everyone except the cub scouts, I think. Not that I'd put fucking the cub scouts past her, but, if she is? None of the cub scouts are complaining, so, one less thing for me. And before you ask, I have no idea what that merit badge looks like."

   George's wife was smiling, and looking away. Entertained and trying to be demure about it. George about spit his coffee out. Merry and Panic Bluetooth-ed and grinned at each other. The Chief was on a roll, however.

   "Now. He's about bored with the den mother, because hell, she's just for when you can't get anything else and you're desperate. That, is a problem brewing. That's a new strange cock on the local market, and that's a position that will get filled. Pun not intended, but… there it is. Now, the husband is a mechanic, at the repair shop. And? He's moving his mother in, to help with the kids, what with the wife in prison. Which means, he'll be on the prowl for something better than the den mother. Now. The tire shop. The one guy there, he's been running around on his wife, couple months now. The mechanic husband, has been spending time with his lonely wife. Doesn't take a rocket scientist, to see what's going to go on now."

   Panic got glib.

   "Everyone will seek relationship counseling?"

   "Yeah. At the bars. Now. The boys have been getting up to go hunting, which means they drink a little less. But, that's done now. Which means they'll all be out, drinking more than usual. Which means with everyone out, and everyone drunk? Everyone will catch up on all the gossip. Which about guarantees, that the wrong words, will reach the right ears, about what's been going on."

   Merry couldn't help it.

   "The teenagers? Are less trouble than the parents."

   "Oh yeah. Which brings me around to you, of all people, Panic."

   "What did I do?"

   "Oh. You're an asshole, didn't you know?"

   "Merry? Were you aware that I'm an asshole?"

   "I always suspected. Why is Panic an asshole, Chief? Or, dare I ask."

   "Well. The mechanic husband. He's been drinking at home, because he had to stay home with the kids every night. Now that mom's coming to watch the kids… he can go out and vent."

   "The hell's that got to do with me? I ain't fucking anyone's wife. My own wife would kill me."

   "So she tells me. No, you're an asshole, because you put his wife in prison for 15 years. You can imagine, with a little imagination, what kind of drunken bullshit he's been talking, to anyone unfortunate enough to be within 10 feet of him."

   "Sounds like when trouble finally happens, it's all premeditated to hell and back, Chief."

   "It is. I was just curious what your… thoughts are on the matter."

   "I don't really do the bar thing, Chief."

   "I was wondering more along the lines, of how you would handle such a thing."

   "What kind of drunken bullshit are we talking, Chief? Shoot me, stab me… beat me to death. Yada yada yada, pick one."

   "Unofficially? The last one."

   "I'll give it to you straight. He comes at me with a gun in his hand? He's dead. He tries to pull a knife on me? He's gonna spend some time learning to walk, and pick a beer can up again. If he starts swinging on me, and I can't talk him out of it? You'll find him out back of wherever it happens. Laying in a pool of his own blood. If he wants to just run his mouth? He can do that all night, I don't give a shit."

   "Just like that?"

   "What do you expect me to do. If you have a better plan, I'm all ears. It's your town."

   "I could try to have a talk with him. Doubt it would work, but if you want me to give it the college try? I will. Could actually backfire, meaning he's running his mouth more."

   "I never go out to the bars, now I guess I'm kinda on house arrest."

   "No. You didn't do anything."

   "Or… I could head the whole thing off at the pass."

   "Meaning…"

   "Go see him. Tell him what I heard. Try to be polite, try to talk him out of it. But… I wouldn't want law enforcement, to view that as… initiating the conflict."

   "Off the record? He's the one… initiating the conflict. I mean, I realize the guy's venting, over the mother of his kids is gone and all, but… I can't expect you to have to deal with his shit forever, on that count. You have to live here, too."

   "You say he's a mechanic."

   "Yeah. There's only one engine shop in town, and one body shop. He works at the engine place. The inspection station."

   "He have a crew?"

   "He doesn't own the place, he's just the mechanic."

   "No. Does he have a crew. Buddies. The other guys he works with, gonna gang up?"

   "I doubt it. He's drunk every night and every day at lunch. Owner ain't happy about that. Matter of fact, the other guys he works with are getting tired of hearing it. The one guy he works with, was more or less the guy that put the word out."

   "Well? I'm gonna go have a smoke, and think about what I'm gonna do about this. I'll be back shortly."

   Merry got up to follow him out.

   "You? Stay put. I'm just having a smoke or two."

   He was about to walk out, when he turned around suddenly, as if he forgot something trivial.

   "Hey, Chief. Does the guy carry a gun, you think?"

   "Nah. Not at work."

   "Okay…"

   He handed his gun to Merry. And with that, he walked out. He stood outside, for all of a minute or two. Weighing his options. He knew what he would normally do. Wait on everything to come to him. He also knew what Rob would do. The engine repair place? Right down the block. Town wasn't but several blocks long.

   "Fuck it…"

   He was back inside of 20 minutes, and came in and sat down. Marnie was over, and brought him a fresh coffee. Honestly, to look at him… it wasn't even clear that anything had even happened. His body language was surprisingly neutral.

   The Chief queried him.

   "Long cigarette."

   "Eh. Had two or three. It's only a block away, you know. I decided, what would it hurt to go down, and see what was going on. Based on what rumors I heard and all. As it turns out? He doesn't really wanna fight anymore."

   "Just like that."

   "Yeah. All good."

   The Chief looked at him with furrowed eyebrows.

   "Seriously."

   Panic shrugged.

   "I suppose you might get a call. A disturbance."

   "Oh. Do I need an ambulance?"

   "Ah. I could smell liquor on him. Bourbon, I think. Told him, I thought we should have this talk when he was sober, but."

   "What condition is he in?"

   "Laying there, with a knot on his forehead. Uhm… one of the mechanics with him? He… might have had a little slip and fall. Just the one though. The other two? Surprisingly cool about the whole affair. The fat guy in the office, that's the owner, right?"

   "Yeah…"

   "He didn't seem to care much. The other two mechanics? Just kinda laughed."

   "I see. Panic, you mind if I ask you something?"

   "No, go ahead."

   "What exactly do you… do. Consulting, I mean."

   "Oh. Different things. We were on a big murder case, now that's all over but the crying. You already know Merry's a witness, I guess my main job right now, is to make sure she's okay. Which is half of why I go and handle that there, because I don't want the guy coming out to George's place."

   The Chief glanced over at George.

   "Property manager, huh?"

   "He does certainly manage the property. He's also the range-master."

   The Chief deadpanned him.

   "Uh huh…"

   "Chief. You know my story. Right?"

   "Yeah. I do."

   "Okay then. If him and the boys handle security, too? It's a bonus."

   "I see. How do you like having your own… consultant."

   "Chief? Him and the boys being out there. I make a few bucks. They're on the other end of the property, and I wasn't really using it much anyways. And as far as having my own consultant on hand? Yeah. You know my unique situation. I sleep better at night. And even then. My situation?"

   "Yeah."

   "That's kinda wrapping itself up now, too. You've seen all the FBI in and out of town, I'm sure."

   "Yeah."

   "Well? I can't complain. Honey? The guys bother you, or the boys?"

   "Oh, no. They drop the boys off and pick them up, when they have to go somewhere. They take me to the store, and all carry groceries for me. They're all very polite. My god, the one guy tilled the garden for me."

   "Really? I didn't know that. Which one."

   "The tall, friendly guy. Robbie. He's really nice. The boys? They just love him. All I hear, is Robbie this, Robbie that. It's all I can do, to keep them from going down there and bothering the guys, you know. I keep telling the boys, those men have work to do."

   "See chief? Nice bunch of boys. Tilled the garden. Helpful. Polite. What's not to like, you know? Plus, god himself help me and all, but… you know my side gig."

   "Yeah. Don't I know it."

   "Well? I'll be damned, but those boys come in and out, and they're all on kind of a… working, hunting, playing vacation kinda deal. I, uh… kinda clean up on them, if you know what I mean."

   "Oh, no. I gotcha. Which reminds me…"

   "Yeah, Chief."

   "You got any of that, uh… smoked apricot surprise, laying around?"

   "Not much, no. Like I was saying. The boys, being on working vacation and all…"

   "Yeah. They drank you out of house and home."

   "Well… I'd just say, that due to unforeseen circumstances? Demand far outstripped supply. That's all. But don't worry. I have plans laid. By next spring? I'll be… a little more…"

   "Supply minded. Right?"

   "Yeah. Now Marvin, he doesn't know about…"

   "Oh, hell no. You know how a new guy goes. The boys will see if he likes to have a couple drinks. He can get it off of them."

   "I figured. I'm just checking."

   "George. How far we go back, huh? Your grandfather, was friends with my grandfather. We ran around every summer out here. Don't worry. How many times I have to tell you. Someone, someday, might fuck this town up. But… it'll be after I'm dead. You can count on that. Besides. You got the only bait shop in town."

   "I suppose you know Panic here, just got a gun shop, right?"

   "Yeah, I actually do. ATF guy had to have me sign off on it, that he's a swell guy and all."

   Merry piped up.

   "See honey? You, are a swell guy."

   "Well, I try."

   The chief's cellphone rang.

   "Yeah."

   "Oh. Is it a problem?"

   "Okay. I can appreciate, that you have two mechanics off duty. You still have two mechanics on duty though, right?"

   "All right. What do you want me to do, I don't have any mechanics I can send you. Cops, I got. Mechanics? Not that much."

   "Of course I'm kidding. Now, let me ask you a question. In your infinite wisdom, would you say… that this had anything to do with what you were talking to me the other day about? Hmm?"

   "Well, there you go. Do you… want an ambulance?"

   "Well. What do you want, then. You want me to send the new boy over? Take a statement."

   "Look. You? Are the guy that called me. Told me, that you were worried your mechanic said, and I quote. He was going to… beat some guy to death. Now today, you're calling me. Telling me, that some guy, came in… and your mechanic, who was talking about beating a man to death all week long. He fell down and went boom."

   "Yeah, I know. Your other mechanic fell down and went boom too. What did he have to do with the whole situation, anyways."

   "Oh. Sounds like he involved himself in it."

   "Well there you go. Sounds like you'll have three mechanics in no time then."

   "I honestly don't know what you expect me to do. Your mechanic? Is running all over town, telling everyone but Santa Claus, and probably even him too, that he's gonna beat some guy to death. Guy shows up, and something happens? What do you expect. Is the guy supposed to be pleased someone is threatening his life?"

   "Well. There you go. One's up and around, and the other one's on the couch in your office. You okay with him sleeping it off there? You said he stinks like whiskey and all."

   "No. I just meant, if you need help getting him home, that I'll send the new guy to help you get him there. It's daytime, it ain't busy or anything."

   "Well? All right then. When he finally wakes up? Tell him, not to threaten people's lives, and maybe this won't happen. I mean, just a wacky thought and all."

   "Yeah, I know, I'm an asshole. Try to look at this from my point of view. It's like trying to manage a junior high school, you know? And if you want a tip and all…"

   "Uh huh. When he wakes up? Tell him to quit fucking the guy at the tire shop's wife. Or, it'll probably happen again. I'm just saying."

   "Yeah. I'm paid to be an asshole. No one else wanted the job. Huh?"

   "Yeah I'll be over for the party. Me and the wife. Why wouldn't we be. Been planned for two weeks, ain't it?"

   "Larry. You known me for how many years now. Since when do I get a bug up my ass, that you call me an asshole. I know I'm an asshole. In fact, I'm pretty sure, that I'm your favorite asshole, right?"

   "All right then. Me and the wife, we'll see you Sunday."

   The Chief hung up.

   "Panic."

   "Chief?"

   "You curious about your… consulting handy work?"

   "Well I mean, I was there."

   "You really don't like going out to the bars, do you."

   "Nah. Nothing really good happens there."

   "Yeah."

   George was trying not to laugh, and his wife was doing her demure smile, and her looking away thing again. That was when Marvin came in. He headed straight for the chief's table.

   "Chief…"

   "Marvin. How did I guess you'd be here. You got a call?"

   "Uh…no. I should have, though. I think."

   "Marvin. You didn't get a call. And you stopped by, to let me know that you didn't get a call. How thoughtful of you, Marvin."

   "Chief? I stopped at the body shop. You told me, to find someone to help. Anyways, there was an older guy, trying to carry a car door in, out of the back of the truck. I got the cop cam of it."

   "Wonderful."

   "That's not it. Everyone was talking. Apparently, there was some kind of… honestly, sounds like an assault, at the repair place."

   "Really. Do tell."

   Marvin stared to explain what he'd heard, then Panic cut in. Dry as hell.

   "Marvin? Aggravated assault. Get it right."

   "Chief. Why ain't there a call?"

   "Marvin? You didn't want a sandwich. How about a snack then. Surely you could do with something."

   "Ice cream?"

   "Great. When Marnie comes over, we get you ice cream. Now then. How, in the city, or… the 'burbs, for that matter. What do you do, when you find out two people were fighting. Don't answer that. Let me guess. You handcuff everyone. You start ordering everyone around. Probably get into some tasering, holding people at gun point. Then there's backup called, crowd control. Taking control of witnesses and statements. Then, everyone goes down the station. The whole nine yards. How am I doing here."

   "Yeah."

   "Now. That's two or more strangers fighting. You think it goes differently, when two cops are the ones fighting? What would happen differently. You tell me."

   "Well…"

   "Exactly. Suddenly, it's all different. Why? Because cops and cop families are special, we already established that. Now then, off the record… what do you think would happen, when the two people fighting on the street corner, were a cop and another cop's relative. Be honest."

   "I…"

   "Cat got your tongue? Come on Marvin, everyone already knows what happens. I just wanna hear you say it."

   "See, that takes a lot more… tact, Chief. You have to figure in…"

   "Once again, Marvin. You've been trained, to treat the public one way, and to treat cops and cop's family differently. Haven't you? Just admit it. We're off the record, there's no reporters around. I had that class, Marvin. Quote me chapter and verse on dealing with off duty cops and their families."

   Marvin started speaking slightly sheepishly, with a lower tone of voice.

   "Police officers have a great deal of discretion, being first responders to any situation. They decide who to pursue, and who to let go with a warning. Police officers should in particular, extend that discretion to fellow police officers, whether on or off duty, and to their family and close friends they personally know."

   "Marvin? You ever notice, that class is never publicized, and put on the internet? We can't have the public seeing proof, that everything works exactly the way they always suspected. Cops and their family and friends, can do no wrong. Everyone else? Is the enemy. Now Marvin… does that sound like a country, where the law applies equally to everyone? Be realistic."

   "No. I guess it doesn't."

   "Now. How do you expect the public to respond to the police, when they treat everyone one way, then treat themselves and their family and friends, like royalty. Seriously. Think back to grade-school, Marvin. Some teacher's kid, might have been an asshole, and could get away with anything he wanted. While everyone else around him gets the book thrown at them. Right?"

   "Yeah, Chief."

   "And? How do all the kids treat that teachers kid, once they figure it out."

   "Different. I know."

   "You're nice to his face, and you talk shit behind his back, right? You all make fun of him, again, behind his back. Someone will steal his homework, and throw it away. Another person, flushes his gym clothes down the toilet. And no one saw anything. Why? Because now it's you, against them. He? Becomes the enemy. It ain't good, it ain't bad, it's just the way humans work, Marvin. Can't do a thing about human nature. In fact, the more you try to come down on the other kids for doing it? It just makes the whole problem worse. You go, and you get some bigger, older kid. From another town, the teacher can't influence… and he punches that kid in the nose. Then, his parent teacher cracks down more on all the other kids, and the whole thing gets even worse. See what I'm getting at?"

   "So, what do we do? We had an assault. Two assaults, really."

   "Marvin? What if everyone actually was equal under the law. I mean actually equal. I mean, everything was fair. You treat a cop, or a civilian… exactly the same. Because that's what I want. I want you to pretend, that one cop, punched out two other cops, off duty. Problem's over by the time you hear about it, and finally get there. What would you do?"

   "Well…"

   "I already know what you'd be expected to do, Marvin. Jack shit, really. Lose the statements. Forget the call. The cameras? Oh, they malfunctioned."

   "So, we do nothing."

   "Marvin. This tiny town, is a lot like… a junior high school. Honestly. The boys, and sometimes even the girls. Are going to have little problems. There's going to be name calling. Talking shit. They're gonna start poking at each other, and there's gonna be some fights. Unless someone makes someone fight, that doesn't want to… you can't really accomplish a whole lot. Now… what would you have me do. Because this happens, and I have to come up with a solution, that works."

   "You already explained, you expect me to treat everyone the same, pretend it was a town full of cops. So, we do nothing? That's complete anarchy."

   "No, Marvin. Same thing you do with kids fighting, because this is like a big junior high school campus. If two guys are going at it? You separate them, and break it up. Everyone already knows the drill. As soon as the flashing lights show up? Everyone better quit this shit, or else. No more fighting, no more yelling and screaming, they better calm right the fuck down, just like you do, when the teacher shows up and finds it."

   "Okay. And if they don't?"

   "If they're still going at it, and they won't break it up? You'll see Steve do it. Everyone, and I mean everyone… gets hosed the fuck down with mace. The two guys that won't break it up for the cops on scene? Face full of mace. Both of them. The guys standing around yelling? Maced. Some woman yelling and screaming in your face? She gets it too. Dog runs up barking at you, tugging your pants leg? You don't shoot the guy's hunting dog, Fido gets maced too. Everybody? Settles down real quick, or else. Then? We handle it in an orderly fashion."

   "Which is…"

   "Ask everybody what happened. It should be on your cop cam. Then? Send everyone home. You'll see Steve, confiscating IDs from anyone that's even remotely involved. When I get in, after my morning donut and coffee? I'll watch the videos. I might go talk to a few people, I got their IDs. If I think someone's out of line? I'll do something about it officially or unofficially. Because, we can't just arrest everyone all the time."

   "Why not?"

   "Marvin. It's a tiny town. What do I do, if the owner of the diner, and the owner of the tire shop, get into it. Do we close the diner and the tire shop? What if the tire guy and the mechanic at the other shop get into it one weekend. No more tire and mechanic employee. People lose their jobs. Then people get divorced. Then the kids, go to foster homes, where the kids turn out worse. Then people get remarried, and the whole cycle starts again. Can't lock half the town up. So? We do what we do. Break it up, mace everyone that won't settle down. I'll look into it the next morning when everyone's calm. Figure out what I think will keep the peace."

   "Well… what about this situation? It's all over, there's no one to mace."

   "Marvin, you're new here. Here's what's going on. The mechanic, the one that got assaulted you heard about?"

   "Yeah…"

   "Here's the story. He had a wife. She's no goddamn good, and ran around on him all day and night long. But, he had kids with her. Poor decision on his part, but what the hell, I ain't the sex police. She, piece of work she is… she goes and commits a very serious crime. Lands herself in the state pen for 10 to 15 years. Now, he has no wife. Kids, have no piece of shit mother anymore. Which believe it or not, a piece of shit mother is better than no mother, nine times out of ten."

   "Well… what's that got to do with all the---"

   "I'm getting there. Guy's drinking at lunch, and all night at home. Go figure. Guy's venting, and running around all over town, telling everyone he's going to… get the guy that put her in jail. That's how this situation all started. Got the picture?"

   "Yeah."

   "Now, people are coming and telling me about this situation. Because once again, the civilians can smell a problem coming, and they're not afraid to just come and talk to the cops. Guy won't listen to reason. The guy he was going to… well, he claims he was going to beat the guy to death, by the way… that guy? Finally goes to try to have a talk with the guy. Guy's drunk at work, and… boom. There you have it in a nutshell. The other mechanic that got it too? Owner just called me, says that guy tried to jump on the guy. Which really had nothing to do with him, so. That's why it was a two for one special. Now, what would the city cop in you, want me to do here? I already know. Mom's in prison, now the dad goes to prison. The kids? Who the hell knows where they even end up, or what ends up happening to them down the line a few years."

   "So, nothing happens."

   "The kids still have a father now. The father? Learned a lesson. Specifically, don't threaten to beat people to death, that didn't do anything. Just because your situation is bad. The other mechanic? Learned that when two guys are having an argument, you shouldn't try to make it two on one, just because you work with the one drunk asshole. Now… the owner? He ain't happy. By a long shot. His best mechanic is drunk every day for lunch, and all night, every night. He's got another mechanic who'll probably go home for a day or two with a headache. He'll probably give the mechanic a few weeks off, to teach him a lesson. The kids have a dad, the owner has a mechanic. Life goes on."

   "Well, what if there's more trouble over all this?"

   "That's where I come in. I want all you guys? To play good cop. All of you. If someone needs to play bad cop? That's me. I'll make that decision, if it comes to that. Now, if people want to sue each other? It's a free country. Most of the people here don't, by the way. Really, the whole thing runs like a big junior high school, like I said."

   "So… you don't want me out looking for the guy."

   "Marvin. It's a tiny town. I just told you, this has been coming for a little while now. If I wanted statements, I had 10 or 12 people already come and tell me about this problem brewing. I had Steve try to have a nice talk with the guy, he decided, unwisely as it turns out, to ignore the teacher's advice. Now? It's either over, or… I'll monitor the situation."

   "You don't think it's dangerous, to have some guy running around town, that can take two guys out and walk away like nothing happened?"

   "Guy was having his life threatened, for a couple weeks. Guy was never a problem before this, I doubt he'll be any kind of a problem afterwards, either. But I'll see. Now, let's talk about the character and nature of those involved, shall we? Because I know everyone, and you don't yet."

   "Mechanic? Nice guy in general. Good mechanic. Wife runs around on him a lot though, it leads to fights in the bar parking lots. Go figure. The other mechanic? He drinks a lot, and he's… not a problem? But… he's never what you'd call the solution, either."

   "And the other guy?"

   "He's lived here for months. Anytime you see him? He's with his wife. They go shopping, they go to the shops, you see them walking around hand in hand like two teenagers. Never seen him in a bar once. Never seen him be anything but polite to everyone else. Hell, never once ever seen him drunk, even when everyone else is having a party. Those other two? The one gets into fights, out at the bar, over his wife running around. The other one? He runs around with anyone's girlfriend or wife, and he's in a fight here or there at the bar, too. Now. You tell me, what trouble you think the other guy is going to be."

   "I guess so, you explain it like that."

   "While we're at it Marvin. Teenagers. What did you like to do, as a teenager. Probably liked to get together with your buddies. Have a fire somewhere. Beer, cigarettes, find a few girls to come and hang out too. How am I doing."

   "Yeah…"

   "Right. Other than sports and hobbies? That's what tiny town teenagers do. Now then. You'd probably, like to raid any underage drinking party, right?"

   "Well…"

   "Uh huh. You know what that leads to?"

   "No more parties."

   "No, Marvin. Now? The teenagers get beer and cigarettes, and go driving around. Teenagers, drinking and driving. If you go and raid where they park their cars? They learn to keep moving. Harder to hit a moving target. Now? Instead of kids drinking beer and smoking cigarettes around a campfire, where you know where they are and what they're doing? Now, you have kids. Driving drunk. Any other problems? The problem is now somewhere, that you don't know where they're at, and can't check up on them."

   "So, we let the kids do whatever the hell they want."

   "Marvin? Kids are going to sneak beer, and cigarettes, and try to sneak off and play with the girl's titties, no matter what the hell you try to do. Now. When we drive around, after dark, on the weekends? We can see the campfires. We already know where they go. You can find the campfire just by following your nose, blindfolded. Steve will show you. We walk up. All friendly. The kids? They don't run from us. Now. As long as those teenagers are polite and respectful? All well and good. If they give you drunken shit? You confiscate the beer, and put it in the station. No, you'll see. No chasing kids around, wasting your time and energy. No fines for the parents. If the parents wanna ground them for smelling beer and cigarettes? That's the parent's business."

   "So there's no rules."

   "There's rules. First off, kids are gonna do it anyways, I want them doing it where I know what's going on. Rule number one. No drinking and driving around. You'll see. They walk to the parties, and walk home. The kids already know. No drunken fights. No… mischief and stealing shit. No guns at the parties. No hard drugs. You'll find the kids generally fishing on the weekends. Campfires in the winter. No little girls after midnight, either. They can have a girl party, which some of them do, or… they can go home. You find a girl all drunk with a bunch of boys? Just drive her home, and take her to the door. That's the parent's business. Now, what do I get out of this? I know where the kids are, at all times. There's no cocaine, which means there's no drug gangs making money. The kids ain't driving all over creation, drunk, getting people killed. I don't have little girls passing out drunk at parties, and… all that shit going on."

   "That works?"

   "Is it perfect? No. Nothing's perfect. What I don't have though, is what's important. No dead kids in car wrecks. No rapes at parties. No kids getting rich, learning to be criminals, selling hard drugs to the other kids. Did you ever notice, there tends to be one big drunken car wreck, just about every year, at every high school? Always the same thing, comes around homecoming or usually graduation time."

   "Yeah. You're right."

   "Look it up. We never had one. We ain't never been in the news, for a girl getting gang raped late at a party, either. I don't think we ever had a forcible rape in this town, at least as long as I can remember. I can't remember an armed robbery, either. The locals? Don't do that. The guys coming in for hunting season? Well, you ever hear of someone going on vacation, and holding up a liquor store? I never did. What do we have. Tiny town, tiny crimes. Most of the little stuff, has to do with personal issues with people. A few broken windows, a few keyed cars, a few flat tires. Some drunken fistfights, because the women run around."

   "No robberies, no home invasions…"

   "No. Nothing like that. Marvin? You put your lights on, the person will pull over. They won't lead you on a high speed chase. You don't have to go up to the car holding a gun on people. Around here? It's like we wound the clock back, to 1950."

   "No crime."

   "No real crime, no. Do you want me to tell you, that the boys don't get together and have a big poker game at the tire shop, and guys all come and win or lose hundreds of dollars? Sure. But… I also don't have bookies and gangsters running shit either. Everyone has guns and carries a handgun, but… I don't care. No one's shooting each other. I don't even check for carry permits, unless the person's a loose cannon."

   "Well, how do you know there's no stolen guns and drugs in the cars, then, what about---"

   "Marvin. If I don't get reports of stolen guns? Then there aren't any to be found, are there. I don't have any… drug gangs, like you see in the cities, and now in the suburbs. What would I even be searching the cars for. Now. Do you want me to tell you, that absolutely no one in town has ever once went home and smoked a joint? I'm pretty sure it happens. But. You never see it. Do I think a certain business owner and his wife, might score some coke and do lines at home? I suspect it, but… if there's no call on it. God bless."

   "You make it sound…"

   "I know. It's 1950 all over again. That's what the people in a tiny hunting town want. What they don't want, is big city bullshit. Now, one time, yeah. We had a serious issue. Some family moved here, kid came from the city. Thought he was gonna carry his little stolen handgun around, sell drugs."

   "What happened?"

   "Because all the parents and all the kids feel like we're all on the same team? I had individual kids coming to me. Taking me aside. Telling me what was going on. Now, country kids, ain't like city kids. These kids, grow up with hunting rifles, and shooting dad's handguns. They're not as scared as city kids tend to be. I had a guy I know, his kid was watching that one. When I got the call, that the gun and the drugs, were in his locker? I went and got a drug dog, I already knew which locker dog was going to go to. Nipped that shit in the bud. Parents were pieces of shit from the city, too. Go figure, we went right to the parent's rented house, and the whole family went away. I honestly don't know what they thought they were gonna do. Set up shop here, run some kind of cartel? Christ."

   "All right. I see your system now."

   "So. We trade in pretty much all major crime, for little crimes. A few broken windows, a few drunken fistfights over girls. If no one calls in a crime? I don't have to go out looking for it. Honestly, I feel like I'm the principal of a junior high school, more than anything else. Honestly, Marvin. People come here? To get away from it all. Either for hunting season, or, they come and live here, to get away from it all permanently. Wanna hear about some other big city crimes I could give a shit less about?"

   "Sure."

   "Got one guy in town, he lost his license. He's got another 2 years to get it back. Now, he has a wife, and a kid. He works, next town over. They rent this tiny old house, on the edge of town. We let him drive, just to go to work and back. That's it. I had a talk with the Chief in that town. Same deal. His wife has to drive him if he wants to go out, or they wanna go to the store, or anything like that. But… it's the best solution. Guys tickled pink, and just loves us. Now, he's so happy with us? You couldn't believe it. We don't have any… big, important politicians around here. Mayor? Makes I think 9 thousand a year or something, it's a second job for him. Poor mayor. He's the guy you see, plowing the streets in the winter. Mayor has no employees to boss around. The guy without a license? He runs the plow truck, on account of he's so happy with us, keeping him his job and family."

   "Only in a tiny town."

   "I know. You wanna run for mayor? What are you gonna run on. Getting tough on crime? We don't have any. If you wanna sweep the streets, and run the plow truck in the winter, and cut the grass in the empty lots and the park in the summer? All for 9 grand a year. Go for it. We have business owners, but… I don't think you'd get rich at it here. If they were trying to get rich, they'd probably be business owners somewhere else. They just want to get away from it all, too."

   "No hookers, no strip clubs…"

   "Yeah. The wives in town? Seem to provide those services, for free already. You'd never make a nickel charging for it."

   George almost spit his coffee out again.

   "I guess, it would be a nice place to raise a kid."

   "You're single, right Marvin?"

   "Yeah."

   "Just do me a favor. You're fresh meat in town. Won't take long for you to get a free pole dance, trust me. Just try to do your… due diligence, and make sure she's not married, or already has a boyfriend, huh? I get enough calls on that stuff as it is. Like I said, if this town is a junior high school, then I'm kinda like the principal. And that makes you guys more or less the teachers. All I ask, is that you guys try to set some kind of example. Ask Steve, I don't expect you guys to be monks or anything, but… you get the idea, right?"

   "Yeah, Chief."