Range - Chapter 30

   Panic drove in mainly silence. His injured left shoulder got stiff, and he ignored it as best he could. He was starting to make little faces, and to fidget and hop around in his seat, all in a failing effort to get comfortable. A couple hours into the trip had him pulling over to use the restroom and grab soft drinks for the two of them.

   "You know something. I realize what you're going through right now. People report that two things seem to help some. Sleep… and caffeine. Kinda funny, that the one means you can't do the other, I know. If you don't want to try to get a short nap? Think about some caffeine. I'm not telling you what you have to do, I'm just making a suggestion."

   She didn't look at him and she just stared out her window at dirty concrete blocks forming a retaining wall. She whispered to the window more than to him as it seemed.

   "How long am I going to feel like this?"

   "The numb feeling?"

   "Uh huh."

   "You should be coming out of it. Feeling funny as it wears off. It… usually lingers a little bit, for a while. Couple days, couple weeks. Just a little… background thing."

   She smiled weakly.

   "Will I be like you? Trouble sleeping?"

   "Oh, that. It would be… normal if you had minor sleep disruptions. Trouble falling asleep, then either waking up too soon, or, sleeping too much when you finally get asleep. Temporary nightmares and weird dreams are normal for a while too."

   She smiled and dropped it into a sarcastic chuckle.

   "How do you feel, Merry? You tell me. I'm just telling you the average response. I want you, to tell me."

   "I feel like… my nerves are shot, and I'm hiding being a basket case from everyone around me. And they probably know. And it bothers me. That's how I feel…"

   "Okay. I call that feeling like a cat on a hot tin roof. Some people might call it, not feeling comfortable in your own skin. You don't want to talk, but, you also don't want to not talk, right?"

   She nodded into the window.

   "Merry, everything will be fine. In a short time frame. Here's the basic… uh, article in the magazine on this…"

   Merry smiled briefly despite her state.

   "Oh. A men's magazine article? I can't wait. Go on, science boy. Impress science girl…"

   "Well. You just got to experience the human body's fight or flight mechanism. Everyone thinks they understand the fight or flight response so well, simply because their little brother jumps out the closet? Ahh! They think they know something about adrenaline… but, they don't. Not really."

   "It's not the same mechanism?"

   "Yes and no. That BOO! Lurch in your stomach? That's a taste of adrenaline. A drop of it. If your system is normal or better… you immediately see it's your brother in a mask, and you body puts out the anti-adrenaline. It takes a while to work and calm you down slowly. That's what everyone thinks the adrenaline response is, and it's not."

   "Explain, science boy…"

   "When you're suddenly in real danger? There's no immediate 'off' switch to keep the brakes on the adrenaline. You get a steady blast of adrenaline, that can last a while. It really drains your body. Of everything. Even your 'feel good' chemicals your body makes to reward you for doing what it needs? Even those are depleted."

   "Now would be a good time to give some examples."

   "People report little things. Nervous. You want to take a shower, to get rid of the dirty feeling. Taking a shower doesn't cure it. You will then worry about it more. Think of it as a temporary… mild OCD or mild depression or a mild whatever your own will be, but it will be something. Whatever your own is? Just ignore it. Tell me… and we'll laugh at it. It's short, it's temporary. You'll see."

   "This is your pep talk? I was expecting a coach's story…"

   "Look, bottom line. What we now call PTSD, we used to call it shell shock and other things. It's all the same thing. The more common, more mild symptoms? Are simply the human body's normal reaction to heavy stress. Everything you're going through right now? It's textbook basic PTSD. It's normal…"

   "So, I have PTSD? Hmm."

   "No, you do and you don't. PTSD is a specific diagnosis. It gets made, when the normal symptoms don't go away in the short and timely fashion like they're supposed to. If the symptoms are jarring but mild, and subside and go away quickly? It's not PTSD.

   "Science boy? Your article on stress needs a punch line ending. It's an article thing."

   "Knowing is half the battle, kids! Seriously though, me telling you this, means you now know what to expect. It won't frighten you half as much. No, you're not going crazy."

   "Well, what are my odds?"

   "Really good. Almost everyone passes through this with no long term effects. As long as they understand the basics of what's going on. Like you do now. Can I ask you a question?"

   "Yes."

   "Are you… seeing any pictures?"

   She looked at him and furrowed her brow.

   "Yeah. I see myself trapped in the tiny tunnel, and that little door's opening. Then it's gone."

   "Right. Been there, done that. That… I call it the picture, anyways… that picture will flash up, on its own, whenever it feels like it. The length of time between flashes? Will steadily increase. Until it goes away. Like the mild depression, or the mild OCD, or the mild whatever you express it as? It'll just pass."

   "Really?"

   "Yeah. Odds are great, that within two, three weeks… you'll feel more like yourself. Okay? Sorry the article doesn't have a snake oil cure all. Ice cream is the antidote, eat more ice cream. Research has shown… something or another. With the ice cream. It's terribly scientific."

   "All right. Your little pep talk wasn't what I expected, but… I guess it helps. Ice cream."

   "Yeah, ice cream…"

   "Why are you sitting there laughing? Go get me ice cream. Gas station… I know they have a little freezer in there, with ice cream sandwiches. Go get me one. It might not cure it, but, it can't hurt."

   Panic regarded her for a few seconds, then slowly got out and went in and got an ice cream sandwich. She got quiet after she said "thanks…" because she suddenly realized she was no longer lost in space, had returned to earth… and Panic was having difficulties getting in and getting comfortable. She hadn't noticed up until now.

   "Ouch. Are you gonna let me drive your car? Or are you one of those…"

   "Well, let's see. You can carry an active conversation now. You were in la la land. You back, now we got you talking?"

   "Kind of, I guess."

   "Okay. You have some mild, nervous energy?"

   "Yeah."

   "Okay. My phone is set to GPS up on the dash there. Just follow the red dot to the green dot. Do you have a feeling to babble? Drive first. Focus, but… driving and talking will give you something to do, and you will forget about the… picture. See my point?"

   "Okay…"

   "Oh, another handy factoid? Don't worry about flashing the picture when you're driving. Trust me, you can see everything, right through the picture. Ask me how I know this."

   They switched places. Merry apologized profusely for not noticing his discomfort. Merry pulled out and into the stream of drivers on the highway.

   "So… how is drinking, according to science boy's article. Drugs. Medication."

   "Drinking is a short term solution, that does nothing for the overall program you're going for. I think you should have a glass of wine every chance you get, but, a glass not a whole bottle. We both should."

   "Drinking is dangerous with this?"

   "Yeah. There's a natural temptation to force yourself to sleep and relax, and it takes a fifth of booze to do that, usually. Your body has been kicked into overdrive. You'll be slightly nervous. Watchful. Slightly paranoid… for a couple weeks. No heavy drinking."

   "What about smoking?"

   "That's not like drinking heavy. Sure, do bong hits and try to get some sleep. The article recommends it."

   "Thanks for the ice cream. I felt weird, like a little kid demanding ice cream."

   "No. It's fine. Maybe acting out like that, is your own way of expressing it. Whatever."

   "And, I'm allowed to babble like an idiot, while driving?"

   "Sure. Driving and talking, like I said, it gives you something to do. It'll calm you down a little bit."

   Merry's nervous chatter and speed limit plus five highway driving put them a good distance into their little vacation. Panic, in the course of idle chatter, got to hear all about Merry's dysfunctional love life, from teenager to early thirty something. He got the brief overview of all her girlfriends she worked with as well. She drifted onto her hobby article project, and started talking about all the various articles and picking through them.

   Panic kept her talking.

   "So, in the course of bodily fluids, why is sweat so much more important than peeing?"

   "What do you mean?"

   "Well. We're mammals, right? Male mammals typically piss to mark their domain. Shouldn't I be peeing on you, like a cute urinal? Maybe that'll release some even more primal hormones."

   "That'll be a shower activity, for me."

   "Ooh, finally. I blushed science girl, into a shower only activity. I feel like I won something…"

   "About that."

   "About what?"

   "I might not… feel like… you know…"

   "Swinging from the chandeliers?"

   Merry flashed him a dim but functional smile while driving.

   "I was going to say… coffee. I might not feel like coffee, for a little while. Is that okay?"

   "It's fine. You don't have to put out, and get peed on, right after a traumatic event."

   Merry laughed. Lightly, but genuine at least.

   "You sure you don't mind?"

   "It's not my favorite thing to wish for, no, but it's fine. You pretty much rape me every night and every morning, since the first time I laid eyes on you. A winning streak like that? Gotta come apart sooner or later. I liked it while it lasted, trust me."

   "Hmm."

   "What? I violate some girl article somewhere?"

   "No. Voluntarily spending time with me, knowing you aren't getting into sex… well, it indicates you like me. Being with me."

   "Well. There are side benefits, other than just sex with you, you know."

   "Like what? And don't just say sleeping."

   "Well, sleeping is at the top of the list, trust me. I can sleep with a cat like I want to. Then, I get the bonus of walking around with you."

   "What bonus of walking me?"

   "What? You called it showing you off, didn't you? I like having all the guys I walk around smile at me. That side benefit. I don't know how girls rate guys, are you interested in how guys rate girls?"

   "Sure."

   "Practically any guy, if he's honest? Can join the one to ten conversation. Most guys, put the same chicks, into roughly the same numbers. Old men, young kids… from handsome to ugly, they all spit the same numbers out."

   "I'm not a ten… I'm not buying that shit…"

   "No. You're an 8 to 9. You have some small flaws that give you some character. You have some… almost magical thing, overall, that just about every guy finds you… attractive. There's something… universally attractive about you, to most guys, I think. So yeah… I don't have to even sleep with you, to get the benefits of being around you."

   "Yeah. You showed me off to your racquetball club girls, didn't you? You almost showed me off to the jogging girls. Am I describing the same thing, showing you off?"

   "Sure. Are you gonna show me off at what, the pizza shop and the donut shop?"

   "Sure am. Sorry we won't have a racquetball court, but, we can go hiking if you want to. Soon as I feel better, that is."

   "Okay. Sorry I was a space cadet, and didn't think about you driving. Are you feeling any better now?"

   "A little. I can't wait for the whole 'my hip is sewed to my shoulder' feeling to go away."

   "Why don't you get into one of those pain pills?"

   "Because, I try not to get into them. The longer I can hold out on taking the first one? The better I'll do in the long run."

   "Well, if you keep making faces, I'm going to chew one up and spit it in your mouth…"

   "I have to give the over the counter stuff a chance, to see what it can get done."

   Panic talked to her on the rest of the trip. Let her gas the car up when they stopped. Gave her the debit card to swipe little snack purchases on the way.

   They got to camp late at night. Panic guided her around to figure out where they should park. They drove away from one outbuilding because they saw trucks. Panic had already met one pig hunter on watch detail and exchanged pleasantries. He briefly explained it was a long trip and he wanted to sleep in, and that Speedy was still tied up in DC.

   They parked behind then took over a small outbuilding. Merry used the tiny 12 volt air pump in the kit to pump up her air bed, then did Panic's for him. Panic told her she could zip their sleeping bags together, or remain separate. Merry shrugged and zipped them together. They fiddled with the air mattress inflation levels a bit.

   Merry went and got a bottle of wine Panic hadn't known she bought at a gas station convenience store.

   "You said a glass any chance you got was a good thing, right? Now chew up one of your damn pills, and we'll each get one big glass of wine. Then we'll sleep. I'm still in charge of your sleeping, right?"

   Panic smiled and nodded his head.

   "I'd kiss you some wine, but… I don't wanna get you all hot and bothered for nothing."

   He told her it was fine, and had her do it several times. When she was done alternating a sip for each of them, she refilled her glass and they passed it back and forth, sipping through that one and sharing it normally. The last dollop was a final wine kiss, however.

   "One for each of us. It works out. Think you can sleep?"

   "Yeah. I think so. Just try to watch my shoulder if you lay on me, okay?"

   "I'm fine, I got Bitty Kitty over here on my mattress."