Endgame - Chapter 99

   It took Panic a little while to suddenly notice, Merry's somewhat conspicuous absence. Mike took the lawyer to meet "his witness" in private. Merry entertained Mike and the lawyer following him around in the wood cabin, then she was still largely absent. Panic noticed that even George was around and cheerful. Not that George was a shrinking violet, nor even shy… but he was a very private, family oriented person. George's wife even accompanied him down to camp, with both young boys in tow, for lunch. They had stayed for an hour or two before George promised to be back for "boy time", as the wife called it. George would smile, and "complain" that the wife was kicking him out of the house for peace and quiet.

   It finally dawned on Panic, that George was coming out of his mild shell. Duh, he thought to himself. George? Had spent a good many years sneaking and hiding for general safety. Panic realized this was good instincts on his part, his lawyer's part, and even "good" instincts could be awarded to Elvis and his murderous murderess crew. Had they ever succeeded in eliminating George back in the day, after Bobby was done away with? The case would have never came together and fully coalesced.

   Merry came into the main camp for meals, with Bitty Kitty trotting ahead of or behind her. The cat was confused when she left to go back after meal's end, and would look from Mom, to Dad, and back and forth. He would run up to Panic, and rub on him for a little while, before taking off after Merry up the trail.

   Panic noticed the first campfire gathering that night. After dinner, Merry didn't linger. He'd talk about it later when he retired to the cabin or the trailer, to be with her for the night. Then, he saw the cat. Without Merry. He smiled and took the cat on his lap and made over him for a while. He went through his entire routine as well. Baby talk. Copious kisses. Face rubbing. That much was normal.

   What wasn't normal, was the cat's behavior when off of him. He spent time in the dark, around the camp, more than he spent the time in the camp. Normally, "Killer" the camp mascot was all about posting up on his table, as long as the guys were gathered for their social circle around the fire, the one channel television. He roamed in the underbrush for a time, then would return before going off on patrol again.

   Panic blended quietly into the edge of the camp, and when his time was right… he disappeared. Something was off, and he couldn't put his finger on it. Merry, had made herself quite scarce. Friendly, but overly quiet and polite when she did show herself briefly. Panic couldn't chalk his feeling of slight unease up to anything, in order to dismiss it. He circumnavigated the camp, if from a distance. He moved slowly. He moved quietly. He was already dressed in a dark field jacket, and characteristic dark work pants. His favorite work boots he was well used to moving around unobtrusively in nature while wearing.

   He took little breaks, and from force of habit when younger, these breaks were with things in his environment hiding him from his next and bigger circle around the camp. He would never complete a full circle, he would take a periodic arc of the circle's trip, then pause. Sometimes a small arc, sometimes a bigger one. Nothing predictable. Force of habit, from being a predator himself. Force of habit, from having been hunted as prey before.

   It was a crisp, cold, quiet night. With the leaves off the trees, and a lot of the smaller plants dead for winter, sound carried easily. Yet, there wasn't really any. It wasn't quiet, it was too quiet. Maybe. He silently squatted down, and listened. Nothing. No little mouse noises. He should be hearing the occasional sound of a mouse on leaves coating the ground. Mice were mammals, and it wasn't cold enough out yet to shunt their nocturnal activities. Where were the mice, then.

   A bear coming around, perhaps? Not unless it just arrived. The men were going in and out, scouting and watching the ground for any sign of game. A bear print would definitely get talked about. No talk of any friendly night bears in town right now, either. Maybe… one of the admittedly rare mountain lions sneaking around? No, that was even more remote an idea than a bear. Mountain lions left tracks, mountain lions left sign. Scratches on trees, then you could notice piss squirts and markings.

   He was far enough away from the wood-smoke now, to begin to smell the air and his surroundings. He was far enough away from the camp now, to really concentrate on surroundings. He was upwind of the camp smoke right now. The moon was big and full, though clouds would come and then pass. He found a large rock and hunkered down again to observe and take it all in. That was when he thought he smelled something. Maybe… yes. There it was. Cigarette smoke, he was sure of it. Just a slight whiff, though. Nothing that close to him. No wind, and the night was still. Night was well underway and the temperature was slowly falling with it. Scent "falls" in the evening.

   He instantly started putting it all together. Animal behavior, out of the ordinary, alerted humans to any presence they themselves wouldn't ordinarily notice. Bitty Kitty had as much as told him in plain English that something was going on. He noticed the absence of mice and their teensy scrabbling noises as well. Now, a whiff of cigarette smoke. Then nothing. No, there was something out here, and it wasn't an animal. Nothing but a human would smoke a cigarette.

   It was no regular at the camp, they were all accounted for. Sure, one could be out here now, but… he had started out with everyone back at camp. No, this was an outsider. Starting at the top of it, it wasn't any kind of professional. Giving off a scent of smoking, even from a distance, was a pure amateur. Plus, he knew men like himself were quite rare. He had a better chance of seeing a mountain lion, than finding another one of… himself out here late at night.

   Local kids? Not likely. The local hangouts after dark, where the young ones would gather to sneak a few smokes and a few beers, weren't in this direction from town. Merry and indeed himself, weren't much of a target. Even if one of them were, Panic knew he would stake out the cabin and trailer. You want to find prey alone. Not surrounded by friends with firearms that knew how to use them.

   A local cop, checking up surreptitiously on the camp, and general goings on? Not likely. The chief or any of the cops were on a more than friendly basis with George, and his camp on his property. They would simply wander down to the fire and the crowd. But, there it was again. That slight scent of cigarette smoke, that disappeared as soon as it came. That was definitely falling scent.

   Where would scent fall from? Uphill. Scent ran down into gullies and followed it, and it also ran downhill. Where would I position myself, if I wanted to just stay back, and observe. Hell, I'd be up on that ridge. That made more sense, in explaining the intermittent scent of a cigarette. As they moved around, the scent could "fall" to either side. Whoever they were, they were above the camp. Up on the ridge.

   What fit this puzzle, and didn't sound like an outrageous possibility. Maybe a local poacher. Not quite right though. They were between deer seasons. Perfect time to go and poach, really. But, not here. Why risk contact with people, when you could just as easily go the other way out of town, and hit the woods and the edge of the game-lands that abutted town. Or even the other direction, to the back-roads that snaked around all the farms. Farms had their own deer herds at night. George had practically no crops.

   Game warden. Now, there was an idea that fit the puzzle pieces perfectly. One might want to sneak around, seeing if anyone was out and up to poaching, between seasons. Yeah. If I was one? I'd look around and take one look at a shooting and hunting camp, populated by outsiders to the area, coming in and out. I'd even wanna go take a little look see for myself. I'd hit the ridge line after reconnoitering the general lay of the land, and this is where I'd post up, to observe. I could sneak down, watch the camp. Listen to drinking and drinking talk, see if any poaching was being bragged about. I could sneak around and watch the main trail, see if anyone was going in and out at night.

   Fish and Game wardens were strange creatures. They routinely went on any and all private property of any size, without warrants or seeking permission. A game warden who thought he was a slick operator, would be surprised to get tracked in the night and found. It would serve as a friendly and polite reminder, that there were things higher on the food chain out here, than mere poachers and and the deer police.

   He knew there were two ways up to the ridge line where they were most likely at. You could come in from past the cabin and trailer Merry and himself bedded down in and called home. You had to know where to cross the creek though. You'd have to scout in the day, or study detailed topographical maps to find the easy crossings, then even those would need investigated to see which spots looked easier on paper than they were in real life for various reasons. Harder.

   Far easier, was coming up from the other end of the ridge. It arose slowly once you started following it. You could park a vehicle or get dropped off on the other end of George's vast property, and easily beneath notice. He went back and down, slowly and quietly. Worked his way around, and came up from that end of the easy ridge acquisition. A full moon allowed him to look for signs of recent human movement. Not even so much as an amateur that thought he knew something. Nothing. He stopped far before the spot on the ridge-line he suspected, and retraced around and back and down again. Then, after another little break, he did the same thing from the other direction.

   Moving carefully above his own little camp home, he followed the creek on this side, that was a higher wall. When he finally gained the ridge from this side, he began looking again for signs of human animals scurrying about. There we go. Footprints. Most likely male. Around 200 pounds. His own print gave him a great weight estimation. Work boots, hunting boots. Not hikers. Once he found the first print, and waited for the clouds to pass and give a bit of light, he went back. It was unmistakable. Now, he could easily when the clouds cooperated… see the other, much fainter marks left from strides.

   His own stride as a test, showed they were nearly six foot tall. Not making any effort whatsoever, to not leave a trail, that even a rank amateur could follow. They were either a complete amateur, or simply didn't care. A newer game warden, could be the rank amateur. An older, more experienced one? Might be confident enough that they didn't care about leaving a trail a child could follow. The far side of the ridge, once he closed in slowly, was composed of cliffs getting steeper. An old strip mine from ages ago. The near, or camp side, was much more gentle. He went down a bit, then continued intermittently taking up the slack distance between himself, and his prey.

   They were still there. Had they come back out the way they came in, he would have found prints and marks showing it. He could gauge how close he was getting to his target, by glancing down below him. The camp was hardly visible up here as anything but a slight break in the trees, but the light from the big campfire showed up like a lamp post in a parking lot. The closer he got to the campfire being directly below him, showed how close they were. He greatly slowed his approach.

   He finally got close enough, that he moved very slowly when he even did move. He posted up. Though technically a rank amateur, past experience told him that leaving an obvious trail made a great game trail to hunt on. It was what him and Rob would have done. He waited. There was a little break in the trees, and he thought he might be seeing something up there. He waited for a passing cloud to go. There you are. The silhouette of one tree was way off. Back up against it, facing to the old strip mine and cliff down to it. He was patient. He had all night if need be.

   Eventually, they moved. Seemed as if they went around the far side of their tree they were sitting up against, and were looking down at the campfire. Little scraping noise. Lighter. He was close enough he didn't need to be downwind or underneath scent rolling down the hill, to smell it. Now he had to either stay put, or he could move only when they moved. He crept in a little at a time, as they would go around the far side of the tree and back. Didn't seem to have any sort of a pack or duffel, didn't seem to be any sort of a rifle or shotgun around. No crossbow. This guy was just… out here. Up here. Interested in the campfire.

   The big full moon light had another glow and recession, and he was just close enough to see there didn't appear to be any uniform. This was no game warden, or he was plain clothes. Looked like jeans, boots. Winter jacket, big hood up.

   He was fully intrigued now. He could dismiss them as anything resembling even a mild threat, but for their interest in the campfire. Then he smiled to himself. Sure, he had located what had set his nerves off, once he had been out and about. They got bored waiting, and had a smoke now and then. That's when they went around the tree, that's when a whiff of smoke scent came down to him. But that wasn't the whole deal, was it. No. Not at all.

   They had, at least once, come down close to the camp. The cat knew someone was moving around, instead of sitting at the fire, or coming to and from a cabin. They would probably do it again. Or, if they simply left the way they had came, he would follow them and talk friendly when he surprised them at their vehicle. Put the license plate and vehicle description back for future use if need be. But, what were they? Who would sit up here, watching. Then, sneak down, observe closely, and come back up again.

   Maybe a thief. Expensive guns around. Vehicles. Men with fat wallets for their trip, expensive cell phones and laptops and such things. Expensive hunting gear and equipment. There were no thefts yet, though. Did he happen upon this early by accident, and headed that off at the pass? Hard to tell. Then, they eventually started moving. Down the hill. Towards the campfire and camp. They were taking some care to be quiet, but nothing major. He put the noise level and movement down as an amateur trying to be quiet and unnoticed.

   In combat, this could be a "rabbit". Something designed for him and his men to close in on, then get ambushed while their eye was on the easy prize. Doubtful back home. Plus? No communications with anyone else. No little whistles or clicks, like amateurs oriented with. No phones or radios. Nothing. Maybe an outside chance of an investigative reporter, trying to make a name for themselves? Candid pictures of Merry or even himself. He thought a thief scouting a score, felt most likely right.

   They were too easy to follow and keep up with. They moved constantly, allowing him to move constantly with them. They slowly made their way down, down, and paused up and behind the bunkhouse. He had already moved out and around, and come in from the far side. He was in position, waiting. Just show me what you're so damned interested in. If anything, they seemed to be scanning the campsite from the tree line, lazily. They avoided the vehicles.

   He knew what was next. They would again go back up the hill, to their high watch spot. When they did, it was the same path down that they were using to get back up. They were at least mildly athletic or outdoorsy. They didn't have any problem with hiking back up the hill. Tired of the prospect of doing this all night, he got in front of them. Using the exact same path down and back, was their big mistake. He knew where they were headed, so he moved out and around enough he could quickly get ahead of them.

   He got a long cord out from his field jacket. He found a spot where two saplings were pretty close together. If they came back up the exact same way? They would trip and fall headlong into the dirt unexpectedly. He heard the muted "oof" of a person falling. As they picked themselves up slowly, he stayed behind the large tree he was posted up behind. He spoke quietly, while they were puzzling out what had tripped them so neatly, not yet fully arisen up.

   "If you have a badge… now's your last chance to show it…"

   They froze, in the middle of regaining their feet. They would be thinking themselves smart, superior. Now bored, but still playing their game. Suddenly caught unawares, they would be frightened and confused. If they grabbed for a handgun, it would be wild fire in the dark, afraid. He was behind a large tree, he had great cover. He had his own handgun out now, even if his finger was down the slide and off the trigger in case he tripped. No movement. They were freezing without being told to.

   He had done this many times before. He had his flashlight set to blink rapidly, when activated. Before he could tap it to go through the other modes. He had the light hand crossed under his gun hand. When they didn't make a move, he suddenly hit the light, which blinked impossibly fast and bright. He knew it was highly disorienting, to someone with night vision. It ruined his own, but not nearly so much as the quarry's ability to see. It would disorient them and stun them for a few seconds, before they could gain their feet and make a mad dash. Probably up the way they were going, to trace back out.

   He was ahead of them, and close. He would block that path. Any handgun fire, would bring hunters. FBI agents. Friends. He blocked their path back the way they had come, and if they bolted the opposite direction, it would be right into camp. Instead of doing anything though, he simply froze.

   It was Merry. He was glad he had his finger off the trigger, and he put his light and gun away.

   "Merry, it's me."

   She was now finishing getting herself back up, brushing real or imagined dirt or wet leaves off. Feeling her hands to see if she cut herself from falling.

   "Oh… I know who it is, trust me. And if you hit me with that damn flashlight again? It's going up your ass."

   "Well… what the hell are you doing?"

   "Me? What the fuck… the hell do you think you're doing?"

   "Honestly? I just knew someone was sneaking around, and… Christ almighty. Sorry, hun."

   "Well? What did you think I was?"

   He went through the whole story, while she calmed down. They went and sat and shared a smoke, while she heard it. She was certainly and fully surprised that he had figured out someone was up on the ridge, then that she had been watched and followed so long. He went through everything, starting with her absence and the cat's behavior, up until now. He went and got his drawstring. Merry now knew why he had two drawstrings fished around his jacket waist, and two fished around his hood on the field coat. The extra was great if you ever broke one, he had always told her. Also, she now saw, great to have a piece of cord handy. To trip someone and take them by surprise. Or probably strangle them, she thought idly. All Little Robbie Sigma tricks.

   "Why have you been staying away, honey?"

   "Why do you think, genius boy?"

   "Uh… kinda why I asked, really."

   "Hmm. You, are hosting an ATF agent, right?"

   "Well, not an agent, he's just a paper pusher."

   "Yeah. Be just the thing. For an ATF agent, here interviewing you for getting your own gun shop? Sure, I think it'd be a great fucking idea, for him to meet your outlaw biker girlfriend, dumb-ass. Or for him to realize that your girlfriend? Shot 13 dirty cops. Does that sound like a bright idea, to you?"

   "Well. Now that you mention it? I see what you mean."

   "Uh huh. I got bored, and I went for a walk. Yeah, I went down to camp a few times. I was looking to find you, or… just looking."

   "So, why were you up on the hill…"

   "Walking. Something to do. Bored. I can watch the campfire, and I'd know when to go back to be with you. When you came home for the night."

   Merry started chuckling.

   "You really thought you were tracking some guy though. That's funny."

   "Around 6 foot tall, around 200 pounds. Man sized boot prints."

   "I'm so feminine."

   "Why didn't you just text me, what I was doing, when I was coming home."

   "By the time I thought of that? You weren't responding, and the text said not received."

   "Oh…"

   "What?"

   "Shut my phone completely off. Once I started…"

   "Hunting me. Well, now that you caught your… thief… what are you gonna do with her?"

   "Not sure. Normally? Maybe… make them smoke a bunch of pot, teach them a lesson that way."

   "Oh. Is that a standard method of… interrogation?"

   "It sometimes works."

   "Yeah. Thought I might be a poacher, too, huh? The hell you care about that for. I know you do it. Why would you give a shit."

   "Don't care who poaches, if they take the meat with em. But… they can poach somewhere else. Not having guys running around in the dark out here, with guns, drinking."

   "Well. If I was one of these… dangerous poachers… the hell was I hunting without a rifle?"

   He ran the back of his hand on her cheek gently, one time.

   "Trespassing, for no bad intent? Is a warning. Even poaching a deer? It's forgivable. But… out poaching Meowsaurus, in the middle of the night? That's not a misdemeanor."

   "Hmm."

   "What…"

   "Guess I'm glad Little Robbie and Skykid weren't here with you. Afraid to ask, how that would have went."

   "Same thing. Quicker though. One of us, each end of the ridge. One of us, coming up. We'd have all closed in. You'd be trapped against the cliff."

   "Skykid, didn't hunt like that, you said."

   "No. But he'd cover one of the escape routes. He's better at cover. Rob taught me to go in close with him."

   Panic could now put his phone back on, and indeed, a couple of texts beeped in at once.

   "Not gonna check and see who that is? Could be some girl that likes you, you know."

   "Ah. If she really liked me? She'd already be here with me."

   "Really."

   "Definitely."

   "Well, if you pretended she did really like you, and she was here right now with you… what do you suppose would happen?"

   "Oh… I'd just try not to screw it up."

   "What if the girl was thinking… quickie?"

   "Well, that's the thing. Funny you say that. I have this therapist. And she says, I probably wouldn't even know."

   "I can't go to the camp. ATF boy. Walk a girl home? I heard these woods can be dangerous."

   "Sure."

   They weren't walking in the woods for ten seconds, before Merry added.

   "Just so you know…"

   "Yeah."

   "When a girl has you walk her home? You're probably expected to make the first move."

   "I'll keep that in mind."

   When the quick work was over, Panic's phone beeped. He gave a mild, mock groan before checking it, and another afterwards.

   "Hmm. What."

   "Everyone wonders where I went."

   "Oh. Go back then. It's not your fault I'm hiding."

   "I'm relaxing. The boys can manage a fire and a couple beers without me."

   "Are you sure? Or… do I have to start kicking you out. Like George's wife does."

   Panic rolled off her, but just enough to lay back and lace his fingers behind his head. The quick work had been performed in the cabin instead of the trailer, and wasn't nearly as hot with the heat turned up. They both occasionally adjusted their own position and the covers to get it right.

   "If you ever get sick of being cooped up here in the cabin with me? Sure thing. But… if I feel like doing something, don't worry. I'll mention it."

   "You really don't go out much, do you?"

   "Thought we went over this. No, not really. I mean, if by going out, you mean going out with the guys? Not a lot. Actually, now that you mention it… being here? It's kinda like being on one of our once a year gun trips we always used to have, and… you see me go out a lot more than usual."

   "And at home?"

   "Eh. Told you this before. Other than going out for coffee and food with the truck stop coffee hounds, heck. I just go home and do my thing. Here and there, I get asked to do something. If I haven't been out with them in a while, eventually someone will call."

   "You said your gun shop seems to be going good."

   "Oh. That's the understatement of the year. Yeah, it's going good."

   "If it's the… understatement of the year? That sounds like it's going great, not just good…"

   "All right. Didn't mean to offend Science Girl's delicate sensibilities. It's going great."

   "So, you…"

   "Will have a note from my Uncle, that I'm allowed to own my own toy store. Yes. I should be approved, before Buddy leaves."

   "Oh."

   "Eh. I still need to take some… online classes. Get insurance. Shit like that. Then, the next time Buddy comes out, if it's all done? Buddy will take pictures and do a thorough site inspection. Yeah."

   "So… who gets to buy the first gun?"

   "Hadn't thought about it like that."

   "Well. When you open a new business, especially a small one? People usually take the first sale as a… kind of souvenir."

   "Oh yeah. Diner my parents used to take me to, growing up? Guy had a five dollar bill in a picture frame. On the wall, behind the counter. With a receipt. Guess I'll have to save the first one. I never owned a real business before. I just did stuff on my own, under the table. I wanna make sure that I fit in, with all the other kids that do this. Right?"

   "Sure. There's nothing wrong with fitting in, right?"

   "I guess not. Please tell me, I don't have to start hanging out with all the other business owners."

   Merry laughed.

   "You make it sound like detention. You get along with… the old couple that owns our favorite secondhand store."

   "Yeah. Little do they know, they basically run our second hand sex shop, they just don't know it."

   "Hey, it's also our interior decorating store, too."

   "It is. You do seem to let me off pretty easy on that one."

   "You also, seem to get along just fine, with the couple that owns the pizza shop."

   "Well, I used to work at a pizza shop for years."

   "The donut shop owner."

   "Who's almost never there."

   "The diner."

   "Uh, I think that one's a combination of the chief and the town cops, and… you and the waitresses."

   "I'm sure you'll be fine, dear."

   "You're not going to make me join the chamber of commerce, are you?"

   "Like I could make you, if you didn't want to."

   "Oh. Now all of a sudden, you're a pushover."

   "Makes sense. Didn't you just get done pushing me over. Hmm?"

   "That… was bent over. That's different."

   "I see. I guess you'll find out Monday night, after your little date with your little real estate girlfriend… whether I'm a pushover or not."

   "Speaking of which, you promised. No rough stuff. Remember."

   "Yeah, I know. I promised. Wouldn't wanna mark your new girl up."

   "Funny."

   "I thought it was. We'll just have to see how funny you think it is, after your little date's over. Won't we. Because if I can't rough her up? Well… that just leaves you."

   "You? I thought I was finally getting a ticket into… Holly's VIP room."

   Merry smiled, to let him know she wasn't mad.

   "Dear? We had our big night planned. And this… I know it's not a date, but… I don't want our first big night, to come on the heels of… this. So, a little fun trouble bet instead. We'll do the big night later on. I don't want the fun night to have anything to do with nonsense like this. I want it to be? For us. About us. That make sense to you, or am I being an emotional basket case."

   "No. I can see your logic."

   She kissed him a couple times, but nothing outrageous. It reminded him of his cat licking his nose, to remind him they were close buddies.

   "Are you comfortable right now, science boy?"

   He nodded.

   "Any particular reason?"

   Merry sighed.

   "Wanted to know what you thought about something. I've been thinking about it for a while now."

   "Sure."

   "It's… I know you don't like to talk about… certain subjects. Particularly, your old life."

   "It's just not good conversation, that's all. I put it all behind me, a long time ago. If you're wondering, it's not that I can't talk about it. It's that I just don't like it. No sense in dwelling on all that."

   "For everything you ever did talk about? I'm amazed how well you seem to have adapted around it and after it."

   "But…"

   "Can I ask you about it?"

   "Yeah. Why though."

   "My emphasis, was on male female human relationships. The therapy, was geared to that end. But, therapists have to sample all the other therapy systems, not just their own field. It's not like I wasn't exposed to various types of trauma therapy."

   Panic chuckled.

   "I thought I wasn't damaged goods. Or, did you just take me on as a kind of… a fixer upper."

   "No, dear. You don't need… fixed. You're not broken. You don't have PTSD. Not clinically. You should, but… that's a whole another thing."

   She was studying him now.

   "What are you looking at."

   "You. You're not… going away."

   "Do you want me to?"

   "No. I'm just curious about something."

   "Well?"

   "Your light switch."

   "What about it?"

   "Do you… have to turn it off? Or… can you keep the lights on, if you wanted to."

   "Oh. Kinda automatic. I was already doing it, by the time I started to even notice it."

   "Do you wonder, what therapy starts out like? For trauma."

   "Tell me."

   "The… therapist. Sees if the person can talk about the thing."

   "You already know I can."

   "I'm curious what happens, if you were able to leave the lights on for it, though."

   "You wanna hear stuff you already heard. See if I can leave the lights on."

   "Typical first question the therapist asks, after the preliminary stuff is out of the way… might be something like… can you give me an idea, what the worst thing you encountered was."

   "With the lights on."

   "If you can. If you can't, that's fine too."

   He paused. Then he began speaking. His voice was low, but it didn't sound like the robot.

   "Hun? I don't wanna give you nightmares. Because that's what a good bit of it was. Like living in a nightmare. One that you can't wake up from, one that never seems to go away."

   "Do… you have nightmares? About that."

   "Sure. Sometimes. I get up, I have a smoke. Get some coffee or something cold to drink. Wait for it to pass. Then I go back to bed, if I can. If I can't? I try to get to sleep earlier the next night."

   "The same recurring nightmare or nightmares? Or… just representative nightmares. Representative of the entire… experience."

   "The experience. Now, there's a euphemism."

   "Recurring, or representative."

   He paused.

   "Both. But, usually representative, as you put it. Are you sure you wanna hear this stuff?"

   "Well, if you don't want to, or can't… I'll settle for a representative dream. But… if you know what the worst thing was… that's what I'm after."

   He sighed.

   "Can I have a smoke?"

   "Why not. We'll both have one."

   They each lit up a smoke, and Merry put the big glass ashtray down where they could both easily reach it.

   "When… I started out, I was just a support specialist. Already told you, we'd come through, and… see the villagers. What had been done to them. Shot. Stabbed. Clubbed. Everybody. Wiped them out. Where they found them. Or, in piles. It was horrible, like you can't imagine. But… you get used to it. You don't really have a choice, and… it makes you wanna do something about it, if you can."

   "Okay. I can picture that."

   "You get to thinking. Holy shit. This? This is it. This, is hell on earth. But…"

   "But what?"

   "Then? It gets worse. And just when you think, okay. Surely now, this is the worst that can happen? Oh, no. Always room for improvement, I guess."

   "I guess the… zombie squads were starting to come up. They sent us… Little Robbie. And his merry little band of sweethearts. Because they were chasing us around. They don't want a team down there, documenting this shit."

   "I remember. Rob and his boys, started chasing them back."

   "Yeah. So, they kept bringing more of them up. We? Started bringing in more… little Robbie's. The violence? It escalated."

   "So, what you were… used to. Numb to. More of the same."

   "Not exactly, Merry. More, but… not the same. Worse. At first, Sigma was starting to turn around and fight them. Then started ambushing them. Then, when we had more reinforcements coming in? Actually started going after them. I guess… that's when it got… worse."

   "They were already killing entire villages. How could it get any worse than that?"

   He seemed to savor a big pull on his smoke, and sighed. She studied him, and got the idea he was fiddling with the light switch. Instead of flicking it off, it was trying to go off on it's own. He was holding the light switch in the on position.

   "Guess they wanted to try to scare us. Hell, it probably worked on everyone else they ever ran into. Why wouldn't they."

   "What…"

   "They started… burning people. Alive. They started… hacking limbs off of people. Medical team? Confirmed from studying the… edges of the limbs. It wasn't post mortem. I'm assuming you know what post mortem means…"

   "I do."

   "Well? Pre mortem."

   "Oh, mother of all---"

   "Then? They really went to work. Like I said… can I have another smoke? Like I was saying before. Just when you figure it can't get any worse. Well…"

   "They had burned some people. Alive. You kind of stand there, and shake your head, at what these assholes are capable of doing. That's when I saw it."

   "What?"

   He took a couple deep drags of his smoke. Held it in uncharacteristically long and blew it slowly out his nose.

   "Hell, Merry. Hell on earth. Apocalypse shit. You ever read the apocalypse? I have a quote that stuck with me, over the years."

   "Go on."

   "There will be much wailing, and gnashing of teeth. Men will seek death, and it shall elude them. But, the bible was wrong, or maybe it didn't get translated right."

   Merry waited.

   "It wasn't just men. They were doing it to women, girls, children. Burning people alive, chopping them up. Alive. That's… when I saw it."

   She waited more. After his last exhale, he continued.

   "They had burned a… little pile of young women. Teenagers, I guess. We're talking… cooked meat. Falling off the bone."

   "Oh, god…"

   "Nope. He wasn't there. He sent… us."

   "Honey. No one should do that, but, no one should have to see stuff like that… that… that's… just…"

   "Hell. Hell was on earth."

   "Christ…"

   "But. It got worse."

   "How, in the hell c---"

   "This one. She moved, Merry. She wasn't… all the way gone yet."

   "Oh shit."

   "Yeah. You, uh… wanna take a guess what comes next? I don't figure, I have to say it. If we could just… we know what happens next, right?"

   Merry whispered, after her own pause.

   "Yeah. I get it."

   "Now… that's not… murder. That? I know it's hard to see it, but it's showing… mercy."

   Merry shook her head. She understood.

   "And like I said. Just when it can't get any worse? Well…"

   "How could it poss---"

   "Human babies. Cut out. Thrown down. Baking in the sun. It was summer. Sometimes, they… well, they weren't… you know. You have to show mercy. You don't have a choice."

   Merry didn't even try to respond. What could she even say.

   "Well, that's where we were at in that mess. I guess, it was about the worst it could get. For everyone else. Another time, though. Maybe it was just me, but…"

   "I would say I was afraid to ask, but you already know that."

   "Hey. You wanted to know."

   "You don't… you don't have to t---"

   "There were different… zombie squad groups. You could tell, by… what they did. What they left behind. You… give them nicknames. There was the chop squad. There was the burn squad. Then? Oh, another group of assholes must have come up, and wanted to make a name for themselves."

   "What… just tell me their… nickname…"

   "When it's like that, you… you're not trying to make jokes, per se. You're not trying to be funny. You… kinda have to make sick jokes, to…"

   "I know. Police, doctors, ambulance drivers… it's normal."

   "Well… someone started calling that one, the… animal welfare squad."

   "Aw… they were killing all the animals."

   "Been better if they were just killing them, Merry."

   "No…"

   "I saw dogs. Cut in half. Front half, trying to crawl. Trying to get help. But…"

   "Mercy."

   "Yeah. And another time? Oh, and… this? This might have been my personal favorite, you understand…"

   "Shit…"

   "Must have been a litter of kitties. Some asshole went through the trouble, to… impale them. We were a couple hours behind them, that time. They were… still crying, and… wiggling. On sticks. We kinda got the idea, they were probably doing it, right in front of the people, that they were about to… you know."

   Merry just waited. She bit her thumb, then quit.

   "So. For me? That… was probably the worst. For me, anyways. I was already numb to it all, by that point. We were only a couple hours behind them. I was… this shit didn't escalate over a couple weeks, Merry. I was… I had switched teams, already. We had to eat, but we couldn't take forever. We were trying to catch them, or at least stay on them. We sat and ate. Then, we went around… you know, make sure we didn't miss anyone that needed… you know. Mercy. Then? We got back on their trail. Rob had a little talk with me. While we were eating. He wanted to make sure, that I…"

   "That you were okay."

   He laughed.

   "None of us were really… okay, but yeah. Rob was already onto… explaining to me. This? Was hell. This was the devil's own work. God sent us, to put a stop to it. We were god's own vengeance."

   "I can see, where you would be okay with that."

   "Not just okay. I told Rob, don't be surprised."

   "At…"

   He started chuckling, and Merry wasn't sure she liked the sound or the tone or the quality of it one bit. But she understood.

   "I wanted to make sure, he understood that… that was it. I was… gonna… do to them? What they were doing. Some of the guys? They would… you know, do that. You have to do it back to them, you know that, right? That's all these assholes understand. Not all of them, you understand. Some of them do, some of them don't. Most are… in the middle somewhere about it. But… I didn't want Rob thinking I flipped my wig, when he saw me do it."

   "I… understand. You were finally going to… take life."

   "Huh? Oh, no. I'd already been doing that. Fuck, I switched teams. Like I said before… Rob taught me how to get closer. But, I was still just, till then, anyways. I was just… I had mercy. I'd make it quick. You know. Just do it. But…"

   "Well. You told him, you were going to…"

   "Smoke?"

   Merry lit them each another one, both in her mouth and passed him one.

   "I thought? I was. But… I didn't. I backed off. I… still showed mercy. Then…"

   "You don't have t---"

   He had kept his light switch on, as she had requested. She saw it flick off, and he would push it back on, and hold the lights on. Then she saw it. Actual deep emotion. His face went funny. His eyes, watered. He scrunched his lips up, before stopping and wiping his eyes and nose with the back of his hand. Then he simply continued on.

   "I was just about to… make it quick. But… this one I had. He'd been shot. Then, I saw it."

   "What did you see."

   "He… had a kitty. He had it in a… canvas canteen pouch. Instead of a canteen, though. Kitty."

   "Oh. He saved one of the---"

   "No. Looked like he'd been… burning it with cigarettes. And whatever else. Who even fucking knows. I took it out of that canvas pouch, and… it just shook. A little cry, and… it would just shake. All over. It pissed all over my hand, and I didn't care… I couldn't believe it. That? That was it. Do you really wanna hear the rest?"

   "You don't have to. I'm pretty sure I can fill in the blanks."

   "Yeah. Well. I took my time. Made sure it took a while. I was pissed."

   "Then… mercy. For the cat."

   "Oh. Medical guy? Said it would probably live. I got a bunch of… we get our fingertips burned a lot of times. Fully automatic fire, the barrel heats up. You're not supposed to touch the hot barrel, but… it happens. Meds always had a bunch of… antibiotic burn cream. I spent a good while, washing it. Putting the burn cream on the… looked like cigarette burns."

   "Aw. It lived."

   "Yeah. Thing finally went to sleep. Thought maybe it was finally having a little… kitty heart attack, but… we took a break. I had time. Thing wouldn't leave me alone. Followed me everywhere. Started sleeping on me. Then, when we went to finally go? It kept following me. We just had a long hike, to get back to where we were camped up at. Not much chance of anything happening, so. I put it up on top of my pack. It rode there. I took it back to the main camp."

   "They let you keep it?"

   "I made sure everyone in the main camp knew. You kill it? You so much as hurt it? Have fun scaring it? I'll kill you. It lived in my tent. When we moved around? It rode in the truck with me."

   "Aw. That's sweet."

   "Yeah. My little buddy."

   He smiled now, and relaxed, remembering it.

   "Yeah. When I was coming back in? I'd hear it, before I even got close to my tent. All happy to see me. Knew we'd get time to spend together. I loved that cat."

   "Aww. What was his name?"

   "Siggie. Started out, Cigarette, but… got shortened to Cig. Then? Well. Team Sigma, so… Siggie, just made sense."

   "You were down there a while. It must have been nice. To have a little friend."

   "It was. With everything else, that was gonna go on. Yeah. Coming home, knowing he was there? Yeah. My little boy. Siggie."

   "Hmm. What ever happened to him?"

   "He… after, a couple years, he… I noticed it slowly. He started getting less energy. Thought maybe he was losing weight. We tried worming him, maybe he had a parasite. An infection… we had antibiotics. Nothing worked. He… it took a long time, he… just started wasting away. Finally started passing out. He didn't seem to be in any great pain, just… losing it slowly. When he quit moving around much, I kept taking care of him. We were between action then, thank god. He'd… purr, when I groomed him. Cleaned his fuzzy little toes. One morning? He just wasn't there anymore. I mean, he was there, but… he was gone. He liked sleeping in my helmet, sometimes. I buried him in it. I could always get another helmet, but, you can't ever get another Siggie."

   "Well. You saved him. He knew you saved him, and you… took good care of him. He was happy, until the end, right?"

   "Yeah."

   "You gave him a good life."

   "I tried. I had my… minimum in, right after that. I was… well, if he hadn't of… I was kinda planning on taking him home with me, really. But, then? I know this sounds silly, to a regular person, but… there just didn't seem to be that much to go home to. More work needed done anyways, so. I stayed."

   "You ever get another cat? I mean down there."

   "No. We had a dog once, after that. Thing was starving. Literally. We fed him. He was just a… camp dog, really. Everybody's dog. He wasn't real friendly though. I mean, he was okay, but… I guess he'd been through too much by that point. I mean, lord only knows what got done to him, before he got away and was starving. He was… missing a few patches of fur. Couple… scars. Can't blame the poor guy, for being leery of humans."

   He started chuckling.

   "You get whatever you wanted, Merry?"

   "Yeah. What about you?"

   "What about me."

   "Do… you feel worse? Than before we talked."

   "Not worse."

   "Better?"

   I don't know. Yes, no, maybe. I'm no expert. Does… this explain, why I'm all fired up, about… being nice to animals?"

   "Aw. You were already… friends with animals. Before you ever went down there. Your dog, your cat. At your parent's house."

   "Yeah. They were my best friends growing up. Don't care what anyone else thinks. I won't abandon my friends. No way. Sure, now I can have that… but, back then? They were there for me. They cared. So… if growing up, means I have to turn my back on my best friends? Just not gonna happen."

   "No. It's fine. Can I… ask you something?"

   "Sure."

   "Stuff. Like this. This… is the kind of stuff you… see sometimes, when you dream. If you have a nightmare."

   "Yeah."

   "What's that like."

   "Well, it's a dream. You can be… at the store, then at work? Then… you go out the back door at work, and… could be… something happening there. I mean, it's a dream."

   "Random images. Random situations."

   "Right. Usually. But sometimes… I'm still there. In the dream. Then? I wake up, and… just for a little bit? Takes me a little while to make sure that… I'm back. I'm not there. Might take longer to… get the dream image, get it out of my head. Get back to sleep. But hey, every once in a while? It's actually good. Believe it or not."

   "Really?"

   "Yeah. I wake up, middle of the night. My cat, Mr Fuzzy? He lays on me, well, pretty much like Siggie used to sleep on me. And… just for a little tiny bit? I'm happy. Siggie's there with me. I mean, I come to, and I know it's Mr. Fuzzy and all, once I'm awake… but.. just for that brief little instant? It's just… joy. Oh, I just dreamed Siggie's gone. He's right here. And every once in a blue moon? I put my arm around… Siggie… and fall right back to sleep. That? Well… that's just the best feeling."

   "You slept with your dog, when you were growing up. Didn't you."

   "Usually, yeah. Why."

   "Siggie slept with you for years."

   "Sure."

   "Then when you came back home. Eventually you have Mr. Fuzzy. I saw how he sleeps with you. I bet you were missing that, when you left to go on the road, for the case."

   "Yeah. Sure. It's what I'm used to. Why."

   "You weren't kidding. When I invited you over, you really were excited to meet my cat. Watch movies."

   "Yeah."

   "I'm thinking, that's why you started sleeping better, as soon as you started staying with me every night. And you liked having me sleep right up against you."

   He thought about it.

   "Probably, yeah."

   "In a way, I really am your cat."

   "Not a bad thing. Not to me, anyways."

   Merry curled up against him finally.

   "So. Have you ever… left the lights on like that before?"

   "I don't think so. Not for that kinda talk. Why?"

   "Well, trauma therapy? There's two kinds. The ones that dwell on it, and sort of torture themselves over it. Then, the ones that shut it out, shut down, and try to ignore it. That's you. You're good at it. You can just flick your lights off, and there you go. You never feel the emotions. You never process it, they call it. Do you feel okay?"

   "Yeah, I guess so."

   "You just allowed yourself to feel it. You processed it."

   "Any more therapy?"

   "Actually? You do what you just did, half the battle's to get to where you just were. Where you can talk about it, but still feel it."

   "And the other half?"

   "You get more used to doing it. You… process it, over time. You get used to it."

   "Or…"

   Panic picked up Bitty Kitty, and put him in between them.

   "… you just get a kitty."

   "Do you…"

   "Do I what."

   "We're doing really good right now, aren't we?"

   "Sure."

   "I know I don't normally act like… an emotional hot mess…"

   "Oh. But you want to? Hmm. Go ahead. This will at least be something different."

   "I'm still a woman. I'm still a girl, you know. Just because my thermostat is turned down, and I try to be logical about things, and understand how things work. Doesn't mean I'm immune to it."

   "No. We're not normies. Go ahead, and sperg out a little."

   "Sperg out?"

   "Internet lingo. Go ahead and babble. I won't hold it against you. As much as I try not to, I'm pretty sure I pull… guy shit sometimes, whatever that even means. Go for it."

   "You told me you were raised Catholic when you were little. So was I."

   "Okay. Neither one of us has to convert to anything. Cool."

   "You're not super religious anymore. You said it yourself."

   "I'm not. I'm not an atheist or anything, I wanna make that clear. I just… how can anyone really know. What is this. You wanna go to church sometimes, or something like that?"

   "No, nothing like that. I just… I had a weird experience."

   "Hmm. What kind of weird experience."

   "Remember you told me once, that you… cussed god out one time? When you were younger."

   "Yeah. I did. I was old enough, that it was dawning on me, that I was different. I went somewhere alone, and shook my fist at the moon."

   "Well… can you tell me about that? How it went. I vaguely remember the general story."

   "If you want? Sure. I was… angry. I was coming to realize, that I was… different. I was mad at God, for having made me that way. Yeah. I cussed out the almighty himself. Little Robbie? Really doesn't like to hear this story, by the way. He's actually really religious."

   "You… just mother-fucked him?"

   "Eh. In desperation? I went to a priest. Hadn't been around a church or a priest since I was young. I was… asking him, all kinds of hard questions. Why would a loving God, make me like this. So I suffered. The priest… didn't have any really good answers for me. He asked me if I still prayed, and I said I won't lie to you. Not very often, and less every year. Wasn't attending church at all for a while by then, either. He suggested… that I go somewhere, alone. And instead of praying, just… talk to him. Like he was a person."

   "So… you did."

   "Remember I drove you around that… little housing plan I grew up in? Then I showed you the park."

   "Sure."

   "I went up there. I was alone. It was a really hot, muggy day. I questioned if he was even really there, if he even listened to me at all. I… asked him, why would a loving god, make me so different. Torture me like that. Why, the more I followed all the rules, why things always seemed to just get worse. I ended up… well… I got mad, and… yeah, I cussed him out. I told him, if he hated me so goddamn much? Why not just strike me down with lightning, and get it over with. I yelled at him, and I dared him. Kept it up, for a while, too."

   "Did you get scared doing that?"

   "Honey. I was so mad, I didn't care. You gotta understand, I was venting. This… went on for a little while. I was kinda roaring at the top of my lungs. When I was done, cutting my fit? I was a little calmer."

   "That was it?"

   "Uh… I'll tell you the truth. No, that wasn't it."

   "Well?"

   "When I was done… ranting and everything. I calmed down some, and I just talked again. Told him he might not even be there at all, and if he was? He obviously didn't care. Or worse yet, he was the one… that did this to me, and was torturing me. Then…"

   "Then?"

   "Then. I asked him why it wasn't like the old days. Why couldn't he… talk to me. Give me some kind of a sign. Anything. That's… when it happened. I admit, it was a little weird."

   "What? Tell me."

   "You have to understand. It was a super hot, super muggy day. Just miserable, and… not a single bit of wind, to cool you off. Nothing. Completely still air, all day. The rest of the day, too. Still air, no wind. Nothing. But…"

   "But what?"

   "This… blast of… I swear, ice cold air. Like… an AC unit, on highest setting? Came up from the valley, over the hill. Just washed over me. Not hardly any wind? Just… freezing cold air. I never understood it, rationally. Hot as shit out, no wind whatsoever, at all… how does freezing cold air, come up this steep hill, out of the valley, and make me feel like I walked into an air conditioned room. Lasted a minute or two. It really felt… great."

   "Did you…"

   "Get scared? I mean, a little. But… it just felt so great. I… it was just weird. I mean, it was so goddamn cold, that my skin had goose pimples, and my hair on my arms and legs were standing straight up. I got a little scared, thinking that was a sign that I was about to get struck by lightning, but… not a cloud in the sky."

   "So… it made you feel better."

   "Yeah. I mean, cold air, hot muggy day with no wind. Felt great while it lasted. And… I always felt… powerless, scared of everything, and… hell, I had just cussed out the almighty, and dared him to strike me down. In the end? I'll never forget that, and… I honestly don't know. How can anyone really know anything, about God? You can't."

   "But… you felt better. Afterwards."

   "Yeah. I guess I did. The only way I could ever explain it?"

   "Okay…"

   "Back in the day. There were… all these… internet demonstrations. Guys wearing the Guy Fawkes masks? They called themselves… Anonymous."

   "Oh. I remember all that. It eventually died down."

   "There was this one picture I loved. Here was this… just this ordinary guy. In some cheap, dark suit. Fawkes mask on. Standing out in the street. There's this huge line of riot police, right there, all lined up. Billy clubs, tasers, shields and everything. The works. This guy? Stands right the fuck there, right in front of them? Gives them two middle fingers. Right here, buddy. Fuck you. Now… you can't win that, but it's not about having the ability to win. It was about… that guy? He wasn't scared anymore. That? That's what I guess I felt like, after that happened."

   "Did… anything ever happen?"

   "I never got struck by lightning, if that's what you mean. No… animals ever talked to me, no… burning plants. Nothing like that."

   "What age was this?"

   "Oh… must have been around, summer after 8th grade."

   "Any… changes in you, or your life after that?"

   "Boy, you sure do like to ask the tough questions tonight, don't you? Let's see. Summer after 8th grade. Ah, that was the summer my older brother joined some gym. I got my first taste of trying to lift weights. Trust me, it was fucking pathetic. Rome wasn't built in a day, hun. I was a track star, and played soccer. Not a football player. Any muscle I had? Was all in my legs. When I went back to school, to start 9th grade? I started acting up."

   "I started… fighting back. I wasn't very good at it, trust me. It was pathetic, looking back on it, how bad I was at it, but… started punching people right in the face, when they did shit to me. Stabbing them with pencils. Kicking them in the shin, like I was trying to clear the soccer ball, from goal to goal. I was a fullback. If I had my cowboy boots on? Ha. I sent kids to get stitches on their shins. I'll kick you in the nuts, I'll bite you. I'll go for your eyes. I'll hit you in the head with anything I can get my hands on, I'll try to beat your head off of anything I can. Told people, when a couple people were prying us apart. Other kids… teachers… vice principal himself. I'll fucking kill you if I can."

   "You call that… doing a caveman, right?"

   He laughed.

   "Yeah. The adrenaline? Lasts for… a while. I was athletic. I'd roar at the top of my lungs. I'd swing at anyone that was trying to stop me. Oh, you're going to end up in jail. Great, I'd tell them. Put me in juvey. I don't care. At all. Better than what I have now."

   "Your parents didn't… freak out?"

   "No. I was supposed to start fighting back. All those years of not being allowed to fight, old timers good boy shit? I was a punching bag. I didn't get in trouble at home, ever. Not after that. Didn't hurt my grades any, either. I was gonna get beat up and marked up anyways, why not try to mark someone else up once in a while, if the planets lined up. I mean, this whole… sissy la la, fighting never solves anything, violence only makes it worse… that shit? I understand where they're coming from with that. But… no. It doesn't work. You have to start fighting back, or… the alternative… I don't even like to think about it. You just come apart."

   "Is this when you started… trying to model yourself after that… guy in that series of action books you liked? You told me about that, I think we were in the bar, in the bathroom that night."

   "Yeah. That too. That was when I started watching all the comedy shows, and memorizing all the jokes I thought were funny. I started… forcing myself to run up to people, and tell jokes, and get talking. And the guy in the book? He made jokes. He was a smart ass, too."

   "Hmm."

   "What? You knew all this already."

   "Well, I'm just pointing out. According to your timeline you're giving me? Sounds like everything started to slowly change after that… cold air."

   He gave a little *hmpf* and shrugged a little shrug, and grinned his little half grin.

   "Now, you're starting to sound like Little Robbie, hun."

   "Oh boy. I guess you told this to Rob, huh?"

   "Oh yeah. Of course."

   "What did he say… or do I even wanna know."

   "He said, I had to decide for myself, but… unless I could figure out some way, that cold air rises. In the middle of a hot, humid day, up out of a valley. And air conditions you so bad, your hair stands up and you get goose flesh? That if I couldn't find some explanation, that made even a little bit of scientific sense… that his explanation? Was… well… you know."

   "No, I don't. What did he say it was."

   "He said, then that was God himself. That was the holy spirit. A small miracle. That was the sign, that I had just asked for. Was I fucking retarded or something. Did God have to hit me over the head, because tapping me on the shoulder, obviously wasn't working. He asked me… was it… scary? Or, did it feel good. I told him, like I told you. It… was calming. Soothing. I mean, it shocked me, at first, but… then it felt great. I calmed down."

   "Did you…"

   "Believe it? I don't know. I can't know. Rob, though… you know Rob. It's not a joke or a punchline, to him. He said, that was a sign, right on cue, from God almighty himself. That… Merry?"

   "Yeah…"

   "Am… am I still supposed to be… you know. Holding the lights on?"

   "If you can, sure."

   He looked like he was about to cry, but didn't. He got real quiet, and when he spoke, it was a very soft voice. It wasn't the robot, though.

   "He said. His best guess, was that was God. That was the holy spirit. He heard me, and… he forgave me. He forgave me, for being angry at him. That he understood. And he wanted me to feel better. It was a sign. That he really was there, he really did have a plan. Then, he said something else. Which… sounded an awful lot like you just said."

   "What."

   "He said, it sounded like from then on? I wasn't afraid anymore. God took my fear from me. And it changed me."

   "Do you…"

   "Believe it? Hell, I don't know. But… you more or less either already know, or can guess the rest of… me, and Little Robbie, and God after that."

   "Yeah. I guess I do. Rob said that was the devil's own work you were seeing, that was apocalyptic shit to do to innocent people, and… God was pissed. He…"

   "Go on. Say it."

   "God was pissed off, and decided to send… angels of death down, to teach them a lesson."

   He whispered.

   "Yeah."

   "Do you believe that?"

   More faint whispering.

   "I don't know. Am I… insane?"

   "No. Have you ever, heard voices?"

   "No."

   "Seen things?"

   "No."

   "Do you… feel guilty?"

   "No. Not really. They got what they deserved. I don't feel… guilty, or ashamed of anything I did to them. They were doing it to weak, innocent villagers. I just did it back to them. It was fair."

   Merry thought about it. This was him. This was his real personality, underneath it all. They started it. They asked for it. It was fair when someone finally came and did it back to them. A small child's simplistic, and very compelling logic. He occasionally looked like he might cry, but nothing but occasional silence, and some watering of the eyes, but not enough to give a single tear. His whisper was barely audible, if she wasn't laying so close up against him.

   "Little Robbie? Said everything was according to God's own plan, and everything had been done for a reason. He said… you know, the… dog cut in half, crawling around for help… the little kitties, impaled like that…"

   "Yeah…"

   "That, wouldn't motivate the other guys. They were motivated by seeing people, and in particular old people, women, children being tortured alive and slaughtered. But… the dogs, and the cats? That… was just for me. He said God knew how pissed that would make me, what kind of a fire that would light under my ass, to go out and get them. And to never hold back, the slightest bit."

   He took a break, then his voice came back up a little.

   "Can… I have another smoke?"

   She reached over and lit one and gave it to him. They passed it back and forth, sharing it while she waited to see if he was done. When he spoke, his voice had come back up a little.

   "Maybe I'm supposed to feel some kind of guilt, or… some sort of… shame? But… I honestly don't. I can tell you this, though."

   "What."

   "Once you really get… going at it? Wow. I'm not sure, that mortal men are supposed to… have that kind of power. It feels like… I don't know. You walk around, you feel like some sort of god. It's up to you. Who lives. Who dies. How they die. How long you make it take. How much they deserve to suffer. Before you… you know. Grant them the mercy of death. You… become some sort of god. You can be wrathful, or you can be merciful. Now. Little Robbie, does not like me putting it that way. He always pointed out, we were not gods, we were simply God's instrument."

   "Some part of you, believes it?"

   "Maybe. If it is? Fine. I was a… holy warrior. On a mission, from the almighty himself. God's own distilled wrath. And we can't ever really know for sure. I know I can't. And if it isn't? Doesn't matter. Those assholes asked for it. They deserved everything they got, in my book."

   "Hmm. All paths to the same place."

   "Oh yeah. Buddhist warrior monks? Sweetest men you would ever meet, but… they can kill an ordinary man, with a wave of their hand. If you put enough bad karma out? They're simply the universe sending that bad karma right back at you. Times ten. The Samurai? When people insist on doing dishonorable deeds? It's the Samurai's sacred Shinto duty, to set things right."

   "I forgot about Rob, and him studying historical warriors."

   "Oh yeah. No matter which system he had me look at? We were doing the right thing. We were in the right. You protect the weak and the innocent, and you attack evil when you find it. You root it out, as best you can. Rob spent a lot of our down time, sometimes talking about all this stuff. He was particularly interested in my… own set of rules. That I had made for myself, over time. He asked me, had I ever, you know. Picked on anyone weaker than myself. Just for fun. And I have to say? Not once. I knew what it was like. You can go and talk to anyone, ever. If anyone ever says I was mean, and picked on them, for fun? They're lying. He said, that my code? Was in line with any system we looked at. Buddhism and Karma. Samurai and Shinto."

   "That makes you feel better about it all, doesn't it."

   "Oh, hell yeah. I don't need to feel shame, or remorse, for anything I did. Hmm. There's other little stuff. Airborne, one of their nicknames? The black angels. Our patch? Had a little black halo over the Sigma character. We're the good guys."

   "Hmm. It's… interesting. You ever… talk to God, any more? After that cold air day."

   "Eh. Not really. I did once, though."

   "When was that?"

   "After I came back. Later on, sometime after… that night. When I saw a woman's face, scared of me, and disgusted, all at the same time."

   "Yeah. I can see where you wouldn't like that feeling, now that I know you."

   "Yeah. I had just got my house. I was kinda joking, but…"

   "You talked to him again."

   "Yeah. Like I said. I was alone, and kinda half joking. But… I asked. If you're really there, are you happy now? Did I do everything you wanted me to do? I'm not greedy, but, don't I get some kind of… reward? I don't need money, I'm not looking for attention. But, you took little Siggie from me. I don't think that was fair. Poor little Siggie didn't do anything to anyone, he didn't deserve to waste away like that, and die young. He didn't hurt anything. I don't have a wife… children… all that stuff a normal guy gets. All I really wanted was my little Siggie back."

   "Hmm…"

   "What?"

   "Well. You said you were going to take Siggie, you thought you were done, and go home. Then, when Siggie passed. You stayed."

   "Yeah. I did. I guess it wasn't my time, to get to go home yet. And yeah, looking back on it? Later on, the whole long range, over the border and back, and all that started."

   "But, you were finally home. It was time."

   "Yeah. All I wanted was my little cat back, and I knew that was never gonna happen."

   "No… cold air?"

   "Nah. Nothing like that. A while later, though. Something strange happened."

   "What?"

   "Well… the neighbor's kid. I'd been there a little while. He came around. We met. You met the dad, and the stepmom. The guy across the street, with the beard. The mechanical guy."

   "Rich, right?"

   "Yeah. I met him through the kid. Remember, I complained I didn't get to have kids, like a normal guy. I mean, I'm not really sure, I was supposed to even be a husband and a father. I'm… different. What if I had a kid, and he… you know… was different. I don't know I could go through the heartache, of seeing someone flounder, like I did. What if he couldn't take it, and broke, instead of getting tough from it. That would kill me, to see my own son suffer like that."

   "Okay."

   "Kid was just into his teens. Really smart kid. Not too many young kids, really read nowadays. He did. We both read a lot of the same books. He was a pretty good artist. He… felt small. Powerless. He wanted to be, you know, more of a tough guy. Like his dad. The dad? Used to run with bikers when he was younger. Then, he's a construction worker. He liked hanging out with me. Hell, he had even read all kinds of dinosaur books, like I did when I was young."

   "Did you get anything out of it?"

   "I guess. Yeah, I did. Took the parents a little while, to come around to me. Some, anyways. I mean, single guy. Big old house. Single. They had to make sure I wasn't… you know, some kind of weirdo."

   "Did you talk about…"

   "Not much. I was in the Air Force. Computer programmer. I ended up operating a computerized radio, after I got out of the service. He asked me if I was in any kind of combat. I told him no, I wasn't. But… that I had walked through, after everything was over? And… that it was disgusting, what people could do to one another."

   "You sugar coated it."

   "Yeah, I candy coated it."

   "So, you were good to him."

   "Yeah. I tried. This was a… quiet, mousy kid. Real smart, but real quiet, real polite. I made it a game, to slowly teach him how to fight a little, without him realizing it."

   "You tried to teach him more than that. I know you."

   "Eh, yeah. I tried. You can't make a kid do what you want, but. I tried to sneak it in. Sure, it's fine to make money, but, that wasn't all there was to life. I kinda… snuck it in, that I made him the… leader, of his little group of friends."

   "How?"

   "Well. Like any teenagers, they wanted a place to drink beer and smoke cigarettes. I'm alone. I got this big, giant house. Shit-hole back then, they couldn't hurt a damn thing. His parents? They liked the idea there was an adult, that didn't drink at all, watching the kids didn't get into any trouble. No drinking and driving. See… he would come to me, and wanted me to get them a case of beer."

   "Naturally. Teenagers."

   "I did. As long as they followed the… general rules."

   "Which were?"

   "No drunken fistfights in the yard, I'm not having kids getting hurt. If they brought little girls over? I had to be there. None of that shit, where some girl gets drunk, and… you know. Couple of the kids smoked pot. They were amazed, that even though I didn't drink ever? I didn't mind if they did that. I guess it freaked them out, to see me smoking. Absolutely no hard drugs. No coke, no LSD, none of that shit. And they weren't allowed to bring all kind of kids over that I didn't know. All his friends? I had met the parents here and there. Not having kids driving over, or any kids I didn't know."

   "You made it safe. They couldn't get into any big trouble."

   "Yeah. Now. Eventually, the day came, and some of the other kids in his peer group, they were all having some kind of little kids argument. You know how that goes. Anyways, they came down, and wanted me to get them beer. Without Scott. Fuck Scott."

   "Oh. How did that go over."

   "I explained, politely. That was my neighbor. I met him first, I only knew all of them? Through him. Nothing doing. When they kept asking, I finally smiled, and said. Look, it's like this. No Scott? No beer. Couple hours later? They had all made up and all apologized to each other. Then? They could have beer. When Scott felt like coming down and asking me."

   "You… made him the… leader."

   "Yeah. Slick, ain't I? After that… he was kinda the… defacto leader. Then, when he got old enough to learn to drive."

   "Oh."

   "Yeah. His dad was away working construction, for weeks at a time. The dad had me watch the kids, when they were at his house. Pretty much, same rules I had, honestly. But, the stepmom went with the dad, and worked in the office trailer on the work sites. He was never going to learn to drive, and he was going to turn 16."

   "You taught him to drive."

   "Yeah. When he got his learner's permit? I had him drive me around town, in my car. Get a feel for what he was going to be like. After a couple hours of just buzzing around, from one small town to another? Next thing you know, I had him drive on a small two lane highway, to the other mall. Some traffic, but, 45 mile per hour road. No passing zones. Oh, you should have seen his face. I let him drive me around, a bunch of different places, for a couple weeks. I just put gas in the tank. My treat. Then? We went and got him his test. He passed, first time."

   "Aw. You wanted to make a kid happy."

   "Yeah. He was a good kid. When he wanted to take him and his little girlfriend out that weekend, after he got his license…"

   "Yeah."

   "He figured I'd go with him. To that first mall. Get a bite to eat. See a movie. Go shopping."

   "I bet he liked that."

   "Well, he liked it even better. I tossed him the car keys, told him to be careful. Even gave him a couple 20s. You know. Throw a burger down his little girlfriend's throat, get a T shirt at the mall or whatever. See a movie. Told him to get the big popcorn and the big drink. So they could get refills."

   "Wow."

   "Yeah. That's what I wanted more than anything at that age, and I didn't have that."

   "No beer either, right?"

   "No. No beer. But, they both knew when they got home, they could have a party with their friends anyways, so."

   "Wow. So… technically? You asked why you didn't get to have kids like other guys, and…"

   "Yeah. I got several years of… a teenager I liked. One I took an interest in. And? Not like I was his dad or anything, but… I like to think I had a hand in, on raising him a little. I mean, I helped out."

   "Parents liked you after a while, I guess."

   "Eh. Why lie. I know I wasn't their exact cup of tea. They have no way of understanding. Why I'm not married. Why I don't have kids of my own."

   "Yeah, but. You did right by the kid."

   "I remember when the dad was home one weekend, and here comes Scott. Hey, niglet… can I have the keys? I wanna take my girl to the drive in. The dad couldn't believe it, I was giving him my car to drive around in. I always made sure he had a 20 in his pocket, if he didn't ask for it. After he left? The dad got me aside… he was like… hey. Thanks. I can't be here, I can't believe you did this. Thanks."

   "Did you ever talk to the dad, about…"

   "No. Same candied up story I fed Scott. The dad wasn't dumb though. I wasn't drinking at all back then, but hey, I'd smoke a joint. The dad and stepmom, they smoked on the weekends. Anyways, I stayed up late, out in the garage with the old man. He was drunk, but… he wasn't a mean drunk. He just said out of nowhere… I know you're full of shit. But it's okay."

   "Did he know something? You slipped up, and he caught it, huh."

   "He just started putting two and two together. And he said it. I mean, after you know someone a while? He's seen me with my shirt off. I always told the kids, that there was an accident, and a little explosion, with machinery. He was all drunk, laughing. Goddamn it, I know what bullet holes and pig-sticking scars look like, you can't bullshit me."

   "Did you come clean?"

   "Oh. Hell no. See, little chunks of metal? That's what he thought looked like a bullet hit me. The knife wound? That's just a thin piece of metal came apart. From the casing, around the generator that exploded."

   "You wouldn't admit it."

   "And he didn't buy it. That wasn't all though. The old man? He's a smart cookie."

   "What."

   "Like I said. He's putting two and two together. My age. I'm single. I'm straight. I got all these scars. He already knew I could fight, he watched me playing with his kid, teaching him how to grapple a little bit. He noticed I had some kind of income, and I wasn't working. He said the part about working somewhere out of the country for years, just operating a radio? That sounded like bullshit too, when he put it all together. I'm sure Scott mentioned that I just came through, after the fighting was over part. I'm sure that didn't help any."

   "What did you do?"

   "I didn't admit it, of course. I just asked him. You… ran with bikers when you were young, right? He said yeah. I asked him, you want that for your kid?"

   "What did he say."

   "He just looked at me. Said hell no. He don't need that. I said well, there you go. Nice kid. Smart kid. Wants to be a tough guy, like you. You wouldn't want him doing what you did, from 18 to 28 or 29, right? He just looked at me, and said hell no."

   "So, you answered his question, without really answering the question."

   "Yeah."

   "Hmm. I know you. You liked hanging around, with the construction workers that came around. More tough guys, to hang out with. Bet some of them had Harley's and everything, huh?"

   "Sure. But, before I get sidetracked and forget? What was the weirdest thing."

   "What was that."

   "They had this dog. Little beagle mutt. Dog liked everyone, but…"

   "Oh. The dog liked you."

   "Yeah. They all admitted, they'd never seen anything like it. He would come down my house, and stay with me a lot of times. But… there was more. Like I said. It was really weird."

   "Weird? How. Dogs and cats like you. Nothing weird about it."

   "I wasn't hanging around the dog for long, and. Well, he's looking at me. The dog. Really intently. I'm in their kitchen, and the dog's in there with me. I'm looking in his eyes, and… I just suddenly saw it."

   "What…"

   "I know this sounds crazy, but…"

   "Go on."

   "I swear, it was my little dog's eyes. From when I was young. I swear, it was… him. And once I saw it? I couldn't not see it. I started noticing. He did everything, just like my dog did it. How he walked. How he laid down. How he played. Everything. And he's… bugging me about something, I'm trying to figure out what. And I just blurted it out."

   "Talking to the dog."

   "Yeah. I just said. Moose? Is that really you in there?"

   "He answer you?"

   "Not with words, but. As soon as I used his name? He went nuts, and started running around, like crazy. I'm telling you, it really freaked me out. He would come down to my house, all on his own. Paw the door, I'd let him in. We'd watch movies, and eat off the same plate. I made him all the same foods. It… was uncanny as hell, I'm telling you. The dog's name? Was Champ. But, once I started calling him Moose? He loved it."

   Merry could see. He was keeping his light switch on for this.

   "I know how this sounds, but, I swear by all that's holy. It was him. He was in there. He knew me? And he wanted me to know it. I treasured every minute I could get with him. I…"

   He paused. He looked like he almost wanted to cry.

   "I realized, I don't care what anyone says, I don't care how crazy it sounds. If you love them enough? They can come back to you again. And they know it's you. I don't have a single doubt about it. I know. I'm crazy now."

   "No. But, you started this story out, with…"

   "Yeah. I know. I asked for my Siggie back, and I complained I didn't get to have a wife and kids. I asked for some kind of reward. And… I got it. I, got to help finish raising a teenager. That reminded me of myself in some ways. And… my little dog, my best friend in the whole world when I was young? He got sent back to me, and was right next door. I got to enjoy another couple years with him. I know how this must sound, but…"

   "No. It's okay."

   "Let me guess. You're gonna tell me, that I lived my life, under a lot of stress. That… my brain, figures out a way, to make me happier. Because I think I deserve it, or something like that."

   "No. My field? Is psychology. You wanna ask questions about religion? Rob's the expert on that subject. I'm not going to say anything, one way or the other."

   "Now then. This all started out? Because you, were asking me, about if I ever had anything happen, and… clearly, there was some reason for your interest. What's your story."

   "Well. I was in the hospital. We both were. After you were doing good, then you collapsed and started having seizures? Well, go figure I was stressed out."

   "Oh. Sorry I put you through that."

   "Yeah, not your fault. But…"

   And Merry started at the beginning, and how the nurse had told her to go down to the chapel. What she had been saying, in the chapel. How it wasn't a couple seconds after asking, and in walks the nice old lady. She went through the whole conversation they had. How her husband was one of the "comic book hero" husbands. How they tend to get hurt, and spend a little time in the hospital, but it's normal. How hers was a fireman, but how he was a stuntman about it. Saving people, but… risking his life, going in to look around, just to make sure there wasn't a pet that needed brought out. Risking his life for a cat, dog or even a hamster or a goldfish.

   She noted the timing of it, how uncanny it was. How her husband was a carbon copy of her own "husband", just a different dangerous job. How the instant the old lady left, her last words were how she was sure everything would be just fine. How she ran out the door to thank the nice old lady, for making her feel better? And she had simply vanished. And they were wheeling him back down on the gurney.

   "Okay honey. I mean, it could just be coincidence. And… remember. Allegheny trauma? That's where any cops, and firemen… go. Of course there's going to be a fireman there."

   "Yeah. That's where it got weird. I went back to the lady at the desk. I wanted to find the old lady. You know, thank her. For helping me, for telling me just what I needed to hear, just when I needed to hear it."

   "Okay."

   "She checked the whole hospital computer. There wasn't a single firefighter in there. She said, if there had been a fire, and anyone got so much as a scratch and came to the hospital? They'd all know about it. They specialized in cops and firemen. Hell, they take the spouse's name down too, if you have one. There wasn't a single wife, in the entire hospital, by that first name."

   "Could be a typing error. On the computer. It happens, hun."

   "That's what she said. But… she called down to records. A fireman would definitely, be under the firehouse insurance plan. Insurance, goes with the job. Just like all cops are covered working."

   "And?"

   "Not one single fireman came in recently, and used fire insurance. And there's something else. Well, two things."

   "Okay."

   "For one thing? When you talked about the cold air that came up. You said it yourself. The hairs on your body stood up. You got goosebumps."

   "Yeah. Cold air will do that, you know."

   "Well. The nice old lady?"

   "Yeah."

   "It was so weird, I started getting goosebumps. My hair stood up on the back of my neck."

   "Scary?"

   "No. Just… like a shiver. I asked you first, cause… I was trying to feel you out. Whether you were gonna think I was crazy or not."

   "Hell. I was wondering the same thing about you. You… ever have anything weird like that happen before to you?"

   "Nope. Never. I'm not even really religious. We went to church when I was a little kid. Just like you. That was it. I just thought it was… funny. That I get around you, and you talk about… stuff… it was all just too weird."

   "You said two things."

   "Yeah…"

   "It got worse?"

   "The nurse at the station?"

   "Yeah."

   "No one can get down the the chapel, without coming up the stairs, or off the elevators. There's no other way onto that wing of the floor. She can see right down the hallway, from where she's sitting. She said, there was nobody came up, or went down the hall to the chapel, or came back out and up. She said she hadn't left the spot. Then… the other nurse…"

   "What about the other nurse."

   "She laughed, and said to the station nurse. Oh, come on, you know you've heard this story before."

   "What story."

   "Nice, old lady. Pops in the chapel, and makes someone feel better. No one else ever sees her. No stairs, no elevator, no hallway. You know you've heard this before. Then, the station nurse, told her to quit trying to scare the patients with their hospital Halloween stories."

   "So… what do you think."

   "I… was wondering if the nurses weren't, you know. It's the standard hospital prank."

   "Sounds like the station nurse, doesn't believe in the stories."

   "She didn't seem to. But… she was the one who told me several times to go down there to wait. The other nurse?"

   "The believer nurse, we'll call her."

   "Yeah. She went on to fucking describe the old lady. To… a… T. If it's a story, a prank, a hoax? It's an elaborate one, and they're all in on it."

   "I'm gonna have to tell you, what you told me. Rob's the expert on this one. But… I'm gonna tell you what he's gonna tell you. Rob? Is serious about religion. I'll bet you anything you wanna wager, that Rob would tell y---"

   "Yeah. I can about guess it. So. Are we both crazy?"

   "The masters in psychology, is asking me, if we're both crazy. Or not. Not trying to be rude, honey, but… this is really science girl's area of expertise, don't you think?"

   "It's supposed to be."

   "Hmm. Do you… have any history of hearing voices?"

   "No. I don't."

   "You ever see things before?"

   "Never."

   "Well, that's what I learned, off of another well qualified therapist, that's what you're supposed to ask them. That's about all I know."

   Merry paused before asking him.

   "Hey. Mister investigator."

   "Yeah?"

   "Aren't you the one, who said you don't believe in coincidence?"

   "Yeah. In a murder investigation, hun. This? Ain't my field either."

   "Hmm. You want another coincidence?"

   "Can't wait."

   "You said your buddies were nicknamed the black angels."

   "Hun? Airborne. Death from above. They got a lot of nicknames."

   "Your patch? Had a halo on it."

   "It's a black halo. With a drop of blood on it, I might add. Why…"

   "The guys in IA? They had a couple nicknames for you."

   "I remember. Tarzan. Mongo."

   "Guardian angel, was another one. Even Mike used that one a couple times, talking to me."

   "Well. That's proof, right there, ain't it?"

   "Aren't you supposed to be some kind of… investigator?"

   "Amateur investigator. I got a little bit of on the job training. Besides, how exactly, do you want me to investigate this, huh? Oh, I'll just call up the Vatican. Hey, get the pope, to check the database. See if I'm listed in the angel of death file, would you? I mean, seriously. What do you want me to do here. What do you want. We can go to the hospital, and we can interview some workers. I can tell you right now, how this is gonna go. Some of them believe the… ghost story. Some don't. We'll hear a few stories. That's it."

   Merry paused a while, then started in again.

   "What about JG?"

   "Well? What about him. I was kidding about the Vatican database, honey, if you didn't catch that. I don't think JG is going have anything resembling any evidence to go on. We? Have a couple of stories. That's it. Not a shred of evidence."

   "That, is where JG comes in."

   "I didn't know JG did… seances. Are they expensive?"

   "Funny. I… was thinking more along the lines of… that hospital, has cameras. An FBI agent? Could probably get a look at the camera recordings. Would that count as evidence?"

   "What am I looking for?"

   "Honey. If the camera is available, and no old lady goes down the hallway and into the chapel? It means, I'm crazy. Or? It proves that she's real."

   "You're… serious?"

   "Yeah. Think about it. We know the exact day. The exact time. I'll be on camera, walking down to the chapel. Then walking back out. You get brought down on the stretcher. The nurses? Decided to surprise me, when you got out of surgery. And if I'm not on camera at all? Then… I'm even crazier. You're surgery? Should have start and end times, too."

   "You, are serious."

   "Why not. It'd be a little fun, right?"

   "I suppose. We can do this in the morning, right? Or do we have to get dressed, and go do this right now."

   "No. Just remind me if I forget. Tomorrow morning. Okay?"

   "All right."

   "Panic?"

   "What now, hun. Sleepy-time."

   "I have another coincidence for you, mister investigator."

   "Hmm."

   Merry could sometimes be just like a little kid. One that kept talking, to prevent going to sleep just yet.

   "You asked for your reward. Why did other men get a wife. Kids. What kind of a… woman did you wish for."

   "Oh. I prayed nightly? For a half psychotic sports nut. What else would any young man ask for, you know?"

   "Uh huh. Smart ass tonight. What kind of woman did you always wish for. What was on your list."

   "Honestly? I just wanted someone for me. Someone who… wouldn't figure out how different I was. Their friends, and family? Not working against me. Or… they knew I was different, and… they didn't care. Height, weight? Unimportant, but… within reason. Someone that I didn't have to do X, to be good enough. Just… being me? Was all that mattered."

   "You know what I always wished for?"

   "Hmm. Sleep?"

   "That too, But… I wanted someone that was nice, and was nice to me. But… someone that wouldn't get scared of my face. In the mirror. And run. You? You're the only one, I ever met. Do you see, what I'm getting at?"

   "It's not sleep, is it…"

   "You got to help raise a teenager for a couple years. A kid. Then you got your little dog back again, for a couple years. You said yourself, you weren't sure you wanted to be a parent. I can't have kids."