the Dirty Dozen - Chapter 58

   The state police backup highway units, continued to patrol the tape lines as best they could. So far, by just after dark, they already had several incidents. Most of the incidents concerning the press.

   One incident, a lone member of the press tried sneaking up and circling around in the woods. Tried to come down from the top treeline, following the ridge line that was up there. He wanted to get in and get telephoto shots of the piles of dead bodies. A state police highwayman located him, and tackled him and handcuffed him. Got help to drag the guy down to the lead homicide investigator. Guy was screaming at the top of his lungs how he had a "right to be there", "freedom of the press", all the usual bullshit.

   With no better option, he told his backup unit to put the guy in the back of his cruiser, drive him into town, and let him go. No charges, unhurt… but, with a warning that if he set foot even close to the scene again? He would spend the rest of the weekend in a cage. Sure, no charges would get filed in the end. Sure, the prosecutors would refuse to prosecute? But… he would not get in front of an arraignment judge until Monday morning. He could therefore spend all weekend in town? Or in county jail, his choice. So far, he seemed to have chosen town.

   Another incident involved one of the news choppers buzzing too low over the scene. The state police line guards, said there was going to be evidence blown away, empty brass was threatening to get moved by the gusts from the chopper blades.

   Homicide called that news station, and threatened to show video of the news chopper, disobeying clearance rules. Helicopters not under control of either the military or the police? Were under civilian FAA rules, and he had video they were way too low. Recall that helicopter? Or risk an FAA investigation, with video proof, and the loss of pilots and authorization for the rest of their air crew to be licensed to operate for the next whole year or more.

   The final incident, by humans at any rate, was two reporters working in tandem. One walked out of the treeline, waved, and led the troopers on line duty on a foot chase around the woods. This, was the sign for the second reporter, to try to run in and snap a few quick pictures.

   Tired of fucking around, homicide decided they should take those two guys, to county for the weekend. Sure, they would get out Monday morning. Sure, the prosecutors would cave in and lift the criminal trespassing and obstruction charges. But, that would be Monday morning. Here and now? No more games.

   The four homicide investigators went around to each and every news station there, and explained in no uncertain terms? The kid gloves were coming off. The next step? Calling in commercial tow trucks, capable of handling the tow jobs, to impound the news vans of anyone caught trying this shit again. All the other unruly children, would get the scoop… and they would be out of play. They could return home Monday morning empty handed, while their counterparts? All got exclusives.

   The human beings on scene, finally settled down somewhat. The final night incident, however, had no control. A gang of raccoon's were sneaking into the crime scene, and were trying to do what mother nature does best after a scene of bloody carnage in the animal kingdom. Clean up crews, if the humans wouldn't handle it in a timely fashion? Well… the animal kingdom knew what to do.

   The raccoon's brought in their own backup, and were more or less trying the same coordinated tactic as the two reporters working in tandem. You chase one? More come in the other side. Someone was going to get a tasty tidbit eventually. Shining flashlights scared the raccoon's for a time, then they learned they had nothing to fear and started scurrying around. Chasing them yelling with sticks? Produced mixed results. The raccoon's were content to wait on the perimeter, their glowing eyes letting all the state police know, they were out-manned and it was a matter of time.

   While that matter was being discussed, as to the best option? A coyote howled in the distance. Several more howled back in response. This was all on the edge of the state game-lands, they had more wildlife than anywhere else in the state. With no coyotes yet sighted, the final blow came when one of the state policeman on line duty, swore he saw something, and it was big. A dark shadow moving around just inside the treeline.

   That was it. Shotguns got pulled out of trunks. The locals were all split by opinion, and there were plenty of local regular rubberneckers stopping by to see what all the commotion was. Apparently, half the locals swore there were Sasquatch in the woods. Nobody liked being in the woods after dark. You would see things, hear things, and smell things… that would set your hair on end.

   Everyone agreed, it was likely a black bear, that simply smelled the mess. Just like the raccoon's, and just like the coyotes. When homicide asked the local chief what it was? He rolled his eyes. Officially? It's a black bear. Unofficially? He got more reports of Sasquatch than you can believe. If you cracked rounds off? Black bears and Bigfoot both hightailed it out of the area, so… the chief recommended firing in the air for anything big.

   The only up side of the Bigfoot scare? The big, tough, state policemen all taking bulletproof vests and loaded shotguns up for night watch on the line… did it's part to end the silliness of skinny little reporters trying to sneak in and get pictures.

   Seems reporters don't want eaten by Bigfoot. Reporters also didn't seem to want to get eaten by black bears. Reporters were also smart enough to figure out, that anything big and dark moving around near the men with vests and shotguns? Was likely going to end up getting shot. No one was really sure what the season and bag limits on reporters even was, so everyone stopped the silly shit.

   The private joke among all the state police on scene? They wouldn't get into any trouble shooting a reporter coming onto scene, you're allowed to shoot declared vermin. They were only in trouble and going to get a fish and game fine, for hunting over a bait pile. Which was of course, the pile of dead bodies.

   Police have their own strange sense of humor to rival all others, simply because of all the bullshit they have to put up with and often have their hands tied about how to respond to it. About once per hour? A lone shotgun blast would go off up on the dark hill, ostensibly to warn another scavenger off. The fact that it reminded the reporters to mind their P's and Q's, didn't really bother anyone with a badge.

   Now, instead of trying to sneak around dressed in dark clothes? The reporters and their crew members were coming and asking for police escort for bathroom breaks up into the woods. Homicide was happy with this situation. Well, happier than what had been going on previously.

   Most police hate reporters, either secretly or overtly. With all male policemen to act as bathroom escorts? There were naturally a number of very pretty female TV reporters on scene. All night. They were scared to go into the woods alone, and scared to be mistaken for a Bigfoot or a bear, and risk getting shot at. They did not like having the big state policeman accompanying them to take a piss or a shit in the woods, putting a giant LED flashlight beam on them while they were trying to get some privacy.

   The state policemen doing this fun activity? Said it was a matter of security and protection, by this point. If the pretty women that suddenly "talked funny" when the cameras were rolling taping them… did not like this situation? The state police pointed at the road, that led into town. Options were limited.

   With scene news vans lining the road for some distance in either direction, there eventually came a situation where a veritable gaggle of very pretty very prissy national female reporters elected some sort of "leader" female reporter. Apparently, she got this spot of honor simply by being the prissiest bitch present and therefore elected to represent them collectively.

   She furiously marched under the police tape line, and made a beeline directly for Mike the FBI agent, who was trying to confer with his associates where they were at in this mess at the present time.

   She demanded better treatment, for the women present. He was in charge, what was he going to do about it.

   Mike pinched his nose, kept his cool and explained to her… she had just crossed a police line. If she didn't get her ass right back over the line, with all the other vultures? He was going to drag her by the hair, on national TV, and personally put her in the back of a cruiser. Have her transported to county jail, and personally file federal obstruction charges on her ass.

   He assured her, that this would take a lot longer to sort out than simply waiting for local prosecutors to drop all charges on Monday morning. This, would involve being held in county, until mid week. Where she would then, once it was arranged, be transported to the proper federal holding facility. Where naturally, once in front of a federal judge? Sure, charges would predictably be dropped. The federal court docket? Quite busy, he assured her. It would take time.

   This would not happen though, before she had been admitted into county. Which would involve a strip search, delousing, cavity search, a videotaped shower, and everything else. This procedure? Would go on at the federal facility, all over again. All the inmates? Would mysteriously know who the pretty woman was in their midst. So, she would have to endure guards and inmates watching her take a shit, a piss, a shower, and everything else nature demanded she do once in a while.

   She claimed he didn't "have the balls".

   Mike leaned down into her face, and asked how sure she was? Another homicide investigator she complained to at this shocking treatment? Told her the man had just told the Governor of Pennsylvania to go fuck himself, did she really think the risk was a good one.

   She marched back to her gaggle of pretty female talking heads that all talked funny once on camera, and were complete prissy bitches to deal with off camera, and reported a complete lack of success.

   She yelled, but this time from across the police tape… that she was going to hire a lawyer. Mike yelled back, that if she made sure it was a female lawyer? And they showed up and crossed the line with her? They could spend time in county and a federal holding facility together, for moral support, and they would have plenty of time to talk about "female issues".

   The rumor floated around, that someone had a picture of a pretty national reporter, as yet unnamed, caught on a cellphone pic. Squatting to shit like an animal in the woods, eyes caught staring at the sudden beam of the powerful LED flashlight, much like a doe in the headlights.

   Everyone was pretty sure, this was just a rumor generated to have fun at the expense of the pain in the ass reporters. Everyone found it extremely humorous, even the news support crews. Well, everyone except the female reporters. The female reporters, all elected a new leader. To try a different tactic. Already wise to avoid running afoul of Mike, they homed in on the lead homicide detective. The newer, quieter leader tried to work him for a solution, sweetly.

   "Ma'am? Let me make my position very clear for you. First off? This is a rumor going around. That? Makes it hearsay. I can not, legally, go around confiscating police officers private property, all based on a hearsay rumor. The union? Would have my guts for garter belts."

   "Now, as for the bathroom situation. None of the males on scene? Have any trouble going to the bathroom. It is the official position of the Pennsylvania State Police, and I mean right in the fucking manual… like, page ten or some shit. The Pennsylvania State Police does not condone any sexist treatment, of any type."

   "We do not have female state police, and male state police. Everyone goes through the same academy, everyone wears the same uniforms, everyone carries the same equipment, everyone has to do the same jobs, under the same conditions. Men and women? Are treated completely the same. There can be no complaints that way, that everyone was not treated exactly the same, because as we all know, men and women are the same."

   "Now? To make it fair? I will personally give you a flashlight, and you can go and put a spotlight beam on the next male trooper that goes out to take a shit. Take a cellphone with you, he'll probably make a funny face for you, and pose for the picture. You? Can then put it on the internet for all I care? And label it 'a bear shits in the woods'…"

   Shocked at such rude yet completely fair treatment? The woman's mouth hung open.

   "Lady? This isn't some fucking game going on here. This? Is life and death. Now, you are all already getting treated very special, being press. Any, and I mean any other civilian tramples my crime scene? They go to jail. They? Do not get out of jail, for usually six months. The charges? Are tampering with evidence, trespassing, criminal trespassing, and obstruction of justice. They usually get resisting arrest, and disturbing the peace, too. You guys? Are all immune to that shit, simply because you think you're so special because you have cameras."

   "I don't have time to take all the little children here, to the little boys and little girls room. You wanna get out in the bush with the boys? Be equal? Fine, you're equal to the boys. Go shit in the woods like the boys do, and drop this shit. I'm responsible for human lives here, and if anything happens? It's my ass. You don't like it? No one is holding you here against your will. Go check into one of the many fine bed and breakfasts in town, if you can book a room. Or stay. But pretty please, with sugar on top… stop bothering us with bathroom bullshit."

   When pestered further, he responded dryly.

   "Take your little cell phone out? And see if you can pay for a port-a-potty to be brought out. You got enough money for two of them, I hope. We'll label them little boys and little girls. Because, when I have female officers on a scene like this? And I have before, trust me I have, I never once heard this shit. You all want women's lib? You got it. Enjoy it."

   "Christ. I got dead bodies up there. I got innocent lives at stake. This is a very tense situation. Would you at least try to have some respect for the dead, and the living too. This is the state game-lands, honey. You're off the beaten path. I don't know what you want from me, you're lucky I gave instructions out to share toilet paper, all my officers carry paper in the cruisers. Get with the program."

   By a couple hours after nightfall, the scene workers had enough done, that they were getting ready to bring the body bags down and load them up. They gave Mike and Homicide the heads up what was coming down.

   The bikers were truly less trouble than the press. All they had done? Was send out before dark, for a small mobile BBQ to be brought out, built onto a small pull behind trailer. The operator was roasting a small whole pig, and the bikers would come in waves, getting big Styrofoam containers of roasted pig, and sauce he provided. They would take it back to their counterparts up at the park pavilions, up the road a couple miles. Rumor had it there was a keg of beer on ice up there as well, and no one cared. Out of sight? Out of mind.

   The roasted pig was an in joke shared by both the bikers on scene, and the state police who already knew the sick joke. Someone tipped off the reporters to this joke, and some of them were filling in time, making up ideas about what had gone on, and explaining the bikers presence eating roasted whole pig. The reporters were starved for information, however. They could do little except show the circus, and relate what everyone already knew, which was of course the released manifesto, and the pictures and video. The rest were guesses, and the reporters quickly tried to "outdo" each other with ever more outlandish claims and suppositions.

   The bikers smiled, and explained it was the cheapest way to feed everyone they had with them, and it was good fresh food. They offered it to the reporters, and even offered it to the state police present. All of whom turned it down on camera. Off camera? BBQ is BBQ… more then one reporter, and more than one state policeman had to wipe their face from the sauce.

   When one state policeman chided his buddy for having sauce on his face? He got reminded back, these were dirty cops. Guilty of attempted murder red handed, and snorting coke and heroin. Not members of their own force, nor any force in Pennsylvania. Hardly their brothers.

   Panic and Rob? Had no trouble going over for refills of fresh roasted pig, and Styrofoam bowls of sauce. Panic took a giant plate in to eat with Merry. Mike and all IA and all homicide, all agreed in a meeting… feeding her, and spending some quiet time eating, wouldn't hurt anything in any way they could fathom. They got Panic to agree that as long as he felt "safe", would he please spend the time trying to talk some sense into her, as long as that took.

   Panic promised he would try just that. Panic spent two hours in with her. Five minutes up front, relating all developments. Merry had asked for flip flops, so she could clean herself up. They heated up a big pot of water, and strictly for hygienic purposes, gave each other a sponge bath. Then, they ate at a leisurely pace. After dinner, they shared a small pitcher of beer that was on tap.

   For the remainder of the time spent with her inside? Panic attempted to negotiate with her, in his own fashion. Merry negotiated back, sometimes vigorously, and sometimes less so. Laying on a large beach towel after eating and their own negotiations concluded, they shared a cigarette.

   Panic was wondering what the occasional loud cheering was outside. Body bags were all set to be brought down one by one soon, hardly a cheering moment. Merry smiled mysteriously, then explained to him.

   "Dear? The bikers are out there on camera. Enjoying a pig roast in view of the public and the cops alike. If you count the cheers? You'll probably count thirteen. My count? Is ten already. Three more to go, hun…"

   Merry was right.

   Panic asked when this was going to end? Merry said that everything was going perfect, just not to blow Uncle Mike in. She then reminded him sitting on his hips with a stern face, that he was under haunted twat rules to keep his promise.

   "Me and Mike? We're waiting for the preliminary autopsy, and the scene to get examined. The preliminary body work will happen overnight and into the early morning, and the lab will compare the pulled projectiles. The morning? Will bring the rest of the grid and scene work, and match casings up to where they belong. So… maybe tomorrow night, or, the following morning? You… will finally be able to talk some sense into me…"

   "Uncle Mike will have a dramatic moment, taking his vest and gun off, and coming in unarmed to talk to me. To show how the FBI wants to preserve life, and DE escalate situations. Uncle Mike will escort me out, and I will accept self defense, and apologies for the bad treatment of the naughty DC cops. Uncle Mike will take custody of me, and along with him, and both IA guys? It will all be over."

   They shared another cigarette.

   "DC? Will not be able to sweep this under the rug. DC? Will go through another huge scandal, and a big trial. Uncle Mike? Will look like a god to his people. I? Will be in the fucking catbird seat, on my end of things. Me and Mike? Will run our eavesdropping operation like nobody's business. Another big scandal? Will predictably come along and rock DC, like always. DC between the leaders, and the city cops? Just can't help itself. Life? Will go back to normal for everyone. Life, for me and you? Will be better than ever."

   Panic asked what that exactly was. Merry rolled back on top of his hips, and laid her chin down on her folded arms across his chest. Smiling sweetly into his face.

   "I? Am going to finish my operation out, until my early retirement, better than ever. I? Am going to enjoy finally having a home life. You? Are going to manage the long-range. We? Are going to end up with our own little patch of property. It will have a little barn on it. Very private, by the way."

   "For animals?"

   Merry smiled, and ran her fingers across his face, idly amused, smiling.

   "Nope. Little property. Little barn. Little hay room. The only animals? Will be us. Have you forgotten, so soon? You… are my property. You? Are not going anywhere. And? I plan on doing whatever I want, whenever I want, as long as I want… to my property. In my own little barn."

   "What kinds of things, are we talking about."

   "Oh. Things. I'm just sure, I'll make you blush. A lot of blushing. Probably? Be a little bit of squealing, too. You can blush up a storm, and we can keep it all nice and gentle. Or? You can pretend you don't like it, if it makes it hot for you to pretend you don't like it… then? Things? Will get… rough. Your choice, really."

   She smiled, and kissed his neck.

   "I dare you to try me, if you want. I just don't think you better push your luck. But? You do what you want."

   "How long will all this take?"

   "Well, you know, I'm into… little taste tests, right? When this stupid trial is over, I'm taking a little vacation. My parents? I'm going to send them on a two week cruise, somewhere. That'll give us a little vacation."

   "How is that, a vacation for us?"

   "Silly. You know I don't come from Ohio. I figure, I'm going to rent a van. You? Are going to have to ride in the back, while I drive. No windows. My family house? Empty. For two weeks. You? Will get your taste test. In the little old barn on the property. I'm sure, you'll enjoy it. If you don't enjoy it? I… will just enjoy myself even more."

   "Won't you be afraid, I'll figure out your name and where you're from?"

   "Won't be a problem. We're only going into the house? To eat, to shower, to use the hot tub, the pool… you will be closely… supervised. Every second, of every day, and every night. You won't be pulling any… little investigator stunts on me. You won't have a chance for any of that shit. Before you ask? You're not getting taken into town. People know me from growing up there. You can't meet my parents, or my family. I will… Panic proof the fucking house."

   "Sounds more like I'm being kidnapped, than taking a vacation."

   His neck got kissed more.

   "I know, right? We already established, I'm a serial rapist. We already established, you like it, just fine. So… I'm just sure, you won't mind being kidnapped and raped? For two weeks."

   "How does this all end?"

   "Easy, dense boy. When I retire early? I… will simply go into the witness protection program. Not really, silly. I? Will just move, and get to start living under my own name again. We both have nest eggs, we both retire. It'll make perfect sense, to anyone that cares? That this happens to me. When we see your little boyfriends? They will just learn I have a new name. My real name. Whatever."

   "What about right now?"

   Merry giggled.

   "Right now? We get dressed, silly. Go, and bring me back a nice little sack. It will make perfect sense, to everyone? I want a quiet night, to decide what to do, whether I can trust everyone to come out. Tonight and tomorrow morning? While they sort out the mess? We have a little fun. I'll promise to… think about it."

   "Eventually? Uncle Mike will have his dramatic moment of bravery and selflessness. Then? This will end. Then you? Already know what happens, if I get back between trial schedules, and find any… problems, involving you, and the local girls. Be good. That would be my advice. But honestly? After this? If you can get any girl in town to so much as speak to you? I'd be fucking amazed."

   Merry stood up, and pushed him with her foot.

   "Get up, and get dressed. Time to throw you out, at gunpoint, my little hostage."

   Panic got dressed, pretending to grumble and grouse.

   "I get raped. I'm going to get kidnapped. I have to endure death threats. Now? I'm a fucking hostage. I thought, you were simple and uncomplicated. Hmm?"

   Merry was dressed when he was, and put her arms around his neck to kiss him goodbye, until he came back for her quiet night to think about things, as far as anyone else was concerned.

   She kissed him, and kissed his neck…

   "Just stop it, honey. You know I hate that whiny shit…"

   They both laughed, until she shoved him out the side door towards Rob.