Range - Chapter 44

   Merry and Panic were dressed rather similarly. T shirts and jeans and jogging shoes. Their accessories were different, however. Merry had some jewelry on, and Panic generally didn't ever wear any. Like a lot of people, the cell phone had replaced the humble watch.

   They drove a fairly long time, and were to meet Uncle Mike in a roadside cafe, on a side road off the main road, near a small nondescript town. A town not unlike the one they were living or hiding out in. They were almost there.

   Panic was chattering idly.

   "I really wish I had taken the utmost care covering our tracks when we ran to George's property. That we left no trail. At the time? I thought having the FBI behind me was enough I didn't have to worry about much. How good do you think we did?"

   "You're asking me? I was… a little out of it at the time we left, if you remember. I wasn't in any shape to worry about details like that."

   "Don't people in your line of work… get a class on that?"

   "Ha. I'm a steakhouse waitress."

   "Funny. Real funny."

   "Not half as funny as you think. I'm supposed to… really be a steakhouse waitress, in every way I can. I make what they make, I spend what they spend. I live like they live. I hated being in DC, and not having any excuse to have my piece, I can tell you that… not even sure that would have helped that much. I froze up, I told you that. I'd have been rusty anyways. I wasn't exactly going to the range every week, I couldn't. Not that I was ever Annie Oakley to begin with."

   "No one thinks you should be?"

   "Actually? No. There's not supposed to be any fireworks in the first place. When I do my job right? Things are supposed to run… quietly."

   "Well, quiet went out the window, when we had to crawl up the Bitty hole."

   "I do remember, you saying something about… if you did think it was needed, you would have emptied the card's cash out at ATM's until it was dead, and then left."

   Panic calculated.

   "Well. If anyone was tracking my purchases through the card? We'd already have a problem. Can… we write off the FBI as the bad guys now because of that?"

   "I would think so."

   "I never depend on stuff like that. I can assume that's right… and I still worry about it. That's my nature with shit like that. To be practical? In general, I have to operate on that assumption though."

   "Is that it up there?"

   "Looks like it…"

   Panic parked them on the side of the building. They walked in. A late middle aged man waved all friendly at them.

   "Over here, honey! Come give yer uncle a big hug! Christ, been a while, ain't it!"

   Merry waved and acted all excited to meet family for early lunch. Merry said the time had been chosen, so as to be after breakfast rush, and before main lunch rush. Much like the location, out of the way and the less people the better.

   After Uncle Mike shook hands with Panic, and Merry hugged him back, they sat down.

   "So. You're the famous Uncle Mike. Nice to meet you. Haven't really heard a lot about you."

   "Smart ass. So, you're the infamous… Mr. Panic. I've heard too much about you."

   "Well, ain't we three just one, big, happy family."

   "Aw, zip it unless a waitress is here. By the way, I got my back to the corner. If I arrange my hair a lot, there's a waitress or customer coming close. Keep your voice down, watch my lead for shutting up. We clear?"

   "It's your lunch date."

   "I just want you to know up front, I'm not really happy about… all this."

   "Uncle Mikey? We talked about it. It's my choice. I can demand it. If I miss this month's gold star? Too bad. The matter is not open for discussion."

   "Merry, are you losing your nerve? Just tell me. You need time off? Take it. Get your bearings. This assignment isn't going anywhere. You want a month? Two three months? Take it. I can't remember the last time you ever had a vacation."

   "And what? Go to the south of France? I can't even touch my own paychecks. I still had to sling steaks. What kind of vacation would it even be to sit in my motel room, and go to work six seven days a week, huh?"

   "Merry? Calm down. You're not slinging steaks anymore. I could easily fix you up with… a nice debit card. Couple months off. Just tell me, you're nerves are shot over this thing, and, I'll make it happen."

   Merry smiled and it disappeared quick. All business.

   "Uncle Mike. Let's get our business over with, up front. We can chit chat after. Do it…"

   "Merry? You have to sign a release form. You also have to sign a consent form. Mr. Panic? I have some paperwork for you. If you divulge, or in any way endanger my… niece… and that's in any way? You acknowledge you will spend a couple years in jail, and fines you can't count that high."

   "Yeah, yeah. I had to sign that library card with the FBI over my ID already. Whatever. Besides, the fuck am I going to divulge anyways. This is Merry, the steakhouse waitress, sorry, former steakhouse waitress. I don't even wanna know her name. I don't care."

   Uncle Mikey started getting a folder and paperwork out, and also a pen in case nobody had one.

   "Merry, honest to god, all these years… you were a cold heart-ed bitch, and everyone loved it. Now? A month goes by. You got this guy wrapped around your little finger, and I see you're still enjoying playing the whole damsel in distress routine. Christ, don't that beat all. Now, you want---"

   Panic cut in quietly.

   "Uncle Mike? We need to get our shit straight. I'm going to tell you politely, this first time. Call my senior agent I'm consulting for, couple agents around the water coolers, and even two fucking guys from IA… they'll confirm what I'm about to tell you, just like I told them…"

   "What? Get it outta your system, cowboy…"

   "I'll only tell you once, politely. Second time? It will not be polite. I just heard you refer to my girlfriend? As a bitch. You will not do that again in my presence. My own father? If anyone called my mother a bitch? Well… they didn't do it twice."

   "Go on…"

   "Don't be flippant with me, Uncle Mike. I don't work for you, I don't take a paycheck from the FBI. I consult, but, it's an unpaid position. You have zero real authority over me. I'm sure you're used to addressing… employees… and being hot shit. Don't talk over me in conversation. Don't laugh and tell me how it's going to be. Don't take control of the conversation. We'll talk politely, or, we won't talk at all. If you have some kind of spiel you have all ready for these moments? I suggest you stuff it. You call her a bitch or anything else again? You continue to address me like a little kid? I have no problem yanking you up out of that chair and having a talk with you outside. Now, is anything I just informed you of, in any way, unclear?"

   "Hey. Calm down. Don't start with the jangling nerves routine, I---"

   "Can it, Mike. You're starting to do it again. The watch words for dealing with me? Quiet… polite. Don't talk down to me, or dismiss me. My nerves ain't… jangling, as you put it. I think I'm talking quite calm. Now… do you want us to start over? Or… would you like to take a little walk and discuss the matter. Choose one."

   Uncle Mike looked at Merry a little questioningly, and she gave a slight shrug. She wasn't going to intervene, obviously.

   "Uncle Mike, we were having a polite conversation. Would you please look at me, and answer my question? Pick one. Restart, or, take a walk. This, has nothing to do with her. This is guy talk, based on guy rules. I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate me being in your house, calling your wife or daughter a bitch, then talking over you. I demand that common courtesy back. Will you please choose. Option A? We start over, and we pretend we never had this little talk. We be polite. You don't get smacked around. Option B? Pretty much the complete opposite. Your move… Mikey."

   Uncle Mike started smoothing his hair several times, giving Panic the eye.

   They all ordered. Uncle Mike said one check. Everyone had standard greasy spoon diner breakfast fare and coffee.

   While waiting for their promised coffee, Uncle Mike nodded at Panic.

   "I'm sorry if I offended you. Let's not make a scene, okay? Sorry. Let's start over, get off on the right foot… after we get our coffee, while we wait for our food. We good?"

   "Marvelous. You seem to prefer option A. I prefer option A too. My own father? Was big on polite. I like polite. People get to insulting each other, nothing good comes of it."

   Mike fussed with his hair again. The coffee arrived.

   "Mr. Panic?"

   "It's actually, just Panic. The whole thing is Colonel Panic, everyone just calls me Panic. You prefer Uncle Mike, yes?"

   "Yeah, Mike or Uncle Mike is fine. Panic… me and Merry here? We talk like the guys working. I'd like to point out? Calling her a cold heart-ed bitch? Was actually a left handed compliment. The damsel in distress wisecrack? Just the boys talking shop. The finger wrapping remark? Miss Merry has three degrees in Psychology. It was an inside joke between me and her. You're right, you're not my junior employee, sorry if I took a… tone with you that you didn't like. This situation? Is… unique and… stressful."

   Merry started in quietly.

   "Mike? Let's get this over with. I already told you, I thought about it. It's my choice. I want it. Any chance, if you boys are done scratching each other's eyes out, we can get the show on the road?"

   "I will say only, that on the record? I disagree with this course of action. That said? You do have a right to have a private life. We are here, officially, so that all parties… understand what's at stake. Legally, and… otherwise."

   Merry simply said to "proceed"…

   "All right. Uncle Mikey has gifts for his niece, and her close friend. Merry, I'm sure you know what's in this little black case. You already know to be discrete. Check the serial numbers match this paperwork, and sign off on it. Coast is clear… go."

   Merry peeked inside the tiny plastic briefcase, that looked like a socket set or any other tool. Glanced inside shielding with her hand, checking it against the serial number on the paperwork. Then signed it, acknowledging she received her gun, and had verified it was hers. Closed the lid and slid it under her thigh.

   "Here's your paperwork to sign. Read it or not, I'm sure you know what it says."

   Merry glanced the sheet over, and signed it on the line. Uncle Mike took it back, and signed the other line. Took the paper back.

   "You know this will go into your file. Mister--- I mean, Panic? I would politely suggest you read this paper. You were correct, it's much the same as what you agreed to when you got your credentials at the Hoover building. Penalties are a little stiffer. Basically, if you in good faith or bad faith, divulge the nature of… you know what? It'll be your ass. Sorry to put it bluntly, I'm required to. Take your time and read it.

   Panic did read it. Then signed it. Once again, Uncle Mike signed the other line as the witness and took it back for Merry's file.

   "About the only thing I like, and I'll emphasize I use that word loosely here… the only thing I even remotely like about the situation, is that you don't get her name. Short of that, the purpose of this… is so that someone working in… you know. They're allowed to have a… spouse. A life partner… and without this paperwork or meeting? The… spouse, or partner… might well believe the person was crazy… lying… delusional."

   Merry interjected.

   "I prefer the words… 'home life', personally…"

   "Okay. Merry is legally entitled to a… home life. Again I emphasize. You are not allowed to divulge the nature of… this… under any circumstances. Even if Merry were to be… arrested? You can't tell the police about this. That's my job to engineer her help out of her pinch."

   "Uncle Mike? Mind if I explain this my own way to Panic here? Before we show baseball cards?"

   "Be my guest."

   "Panic? This falls under 'haunted twat' regulations. Do I make myself one hundred percent crystal clear?"

   Panic nodded.

   "Honey? I need you to look me in my eyes, and speak. This falls under haunted twat rules. Do we understand each other, completely? It's a yes no question."

   "Yes."

   Merry eyed his face. Grabbed his chin lightly, moved his face back and forth a little before releasing it, then touching his cheek and patting it. Looked back at Uncle Mike and simply nodded.

   "Panic. Take this…"

   Mike slid a little case over similar but not identical to Merry's gun case.

   "Open it. Look at it. It's real, it's genuine. I'm sure you've seem some of your… agent friends and coworkers at work before. If you would like, here's my own personal one, for comparison. Take your time. Husbands, wives, whatever, have a tendency to accuse their… partner of being… delusional. Do not try to remove the adhesive strip off of either hers or mine. You're not allowed to see the badge numbers. This…"

   Mike slid over another smaller case.

   "Is the ID. Again, you've likely seen these before. Mine is in there too, again, for comparison. Once again, don't try to remove the adhesive strips over the redacted names and personal information. I'm not ashamed to admit that in the course of arranging this little… brunch… I went over IA's file on you, and looked your own file over. Redwater, Panic? Explains a lot, I guess. So, you're used to reading paperwork with blacked out words and sentences. I'm sure you understand."

   Panic eyed Uncle Mike, but gently.

   "I never said the words… Redwater. To IA. I distinctly remember, that I said… military contractor."

   Panic looked at Merry's ID case. It was definitely her. A tad younger, but, it was her. No mistaking that face. The badge itself was real. Heavy. Not some aluminum or pot metal toy knockoff. Machined and polished flats were the big giveaway to spotting a fake. No casting marks, flaws, or imperfections.

   Panic did idly look at Uncle Mike's for comparison, briefly. Then nodded and handed both cases back after replacing the badge and ID. Slid it back to Mike.

   "Now… Merry told me this was going to come about soon enough anyways. She had made a choice to do it. Treat you like a spouse. Have a home life. She also told me that you… lets say… accelerated this little meeting, which never happened by the way… by… almost placing her under citizen's arrest for… let's just say something. I told Merry, I could handle her being quizzed by the locals, I could just play it like yet another criminal was being watched and was to be released, so they can be kept tabs on, they were small fish swimming around bigger fish, let them go. But, she was going to do this anyways, so… here we are."

   Panic quipped.

   "Actually… here we aren't."

   Mike nodded and gave a weak smile.

   "Yes. Now, you have to understand how important this all is. I'm pretty sure you do. Her life depends on you understanding that. She trusts you. And? I'm sure the… incident… in her motel room in DC? Played no small part in gaining her trust."

   "Remaining polite about it? Would it be rude of me to ask, where was all this concern for your employee's life when… the gentleman we are referring to… came to visit at 3 or 4 in the morning, without knocking or calling first? If I hadn't been over for… coffee night? You'd be folding a cute little American flag over your… niece's dirt box."

   "Panic? This all came out of fucking nowhere. Diapers had to be changed when this shit hit the fan. No one expected the… incident to occur."

   "Well? It did occur."

   "Yes, it did. IA has been after… 'Bloody Mary' to come in and testify for a while now. No one dreamed in a million years, that… this would happen. Under any other circumstances? She would be in a safe-house, just outside DC. Like I said, people needed their diapers changed. Thing is? She's intact. A dirty agent? Came late at night without knocking, as you so adroitly phrased it… to have a late night visit with Merry the steakhouse waitress. Ironically? it didn't blow her cover. It strengthened it."

   "I don't like it."

   "Hey, I don't like Merry having this little coming out party. Merry, I'm real sure, didn't like going through an assassination attempt. The dirty city cops? Sure as shit ain't happy their ass is going through a meat grinder. The dirty FBI agent, ain't happy he has a loose end that failed to get tied off. His piece of shit partner? I'm pretty sure he ain't happy about having a chalk line drawn around him. I trust I'm not being rude, when I say that ain't nobody… happy right now. No one? Is a hundred percent sure which way to go. I can't put agents on her, without blowing her. I might as well shoot my own niece, to go that route. You saved my asset's life. I owe you more than a greasy brunch here. Thanks."

   "You… sound like I saved your fishing pole from going in the water. Your asset. Wonderful."

   "Hey, let's not go down that route. We're both embracing option A, right? Let's stay the course. Now, while we're on the subject? May we politely shift gears for a second… I'm required to ask you, how you… Merry said something about the condition and contents of her room aroused your… suspicions. Staying with her for a short time at her motel. I need to know what it was, so nothing like that happens again."

   "Like I told her. I… in a former life? I used to come back to the real world periodically, between assignments. I was put up in a little room just like hers. Honestly? It reminded me of my room. I was away working more than I ever used it, it was just for when I was back. It… just looked and felt the same."

   "She said you recommended pictures…"

   "Yeah. What woman did you ever meet, that didn't have some photos of friends, family, a ribbon from cheer-leading… some shit like that, huh? I'll tell you what I told her I thought was better… another family, get the other pictures. Show them to people. This is my daddy… then tell a real story that gives nothing away, that happened, and was real. That's what I'd do… you're free to keep doing things your way."

   Mike shook his head.

   "This is ironic, really. We can't have family pictures and ribbons from high school. Security risk. I honestly never thought of fake ones, and to use real stories to showcase the pictures of someone elses life."

   "I'd put the fake pictures on Merry's social media. How many women don't post anything on social media? It's unheard of. Only complete female oddballs don't use social media, at least a little bit."

   "I'll take that under advisement. Run it past someone. I'm not just blowing smoke up your ass, either. I take it very seriously, the… well being of my assets. Please, don't take offense to that word. Ask Merry, we're all but family over the years. Merry isn't supposed to get her cover shot holes in it, by her boyfriend. This is very rare."

   "Uncle Mike? What are we going to do?"

   Mike looked at Panic, and back to Merry.

   "We can't talk shop in front of him."

   "Mike? Use your head. Merry being who she is, hanging out with who she hangs out with? It's fucking obvious. Now, again, it's no secret to anyone at this brunch what happened back in DC. I emailed you my proposal. Up where I'm at? My own personal little safe house in the country? I told you what's right down the street. I wanna go back to work. Take me off leave eventually. I'll use my leave, to make sure it's… comfy and productive."

   "Merry, my darling niece… 90 days leave? Pretty fucking standard for an asset involved in a lethal outcome."

   "I assume I'm going to testify as Merry the former steakhouse waitress? Keep me intact? I have their national permission. Mike? Don't look at me like that… Panic was with me when I went to church and asked for permission. One of the boys? Even went by my motel room after the shooting. Worried about me. The scuttlebutt around the motel? Merry's boyfriend shot an intruder, and it was a cop. Do you have any idea how perfect this all played out?"

   "Okay. I'll give you that one. You look better than ever to them. What's the bar you mentioned, what's it like?"

   "You know how they operate, as well as I do. They've claimed it as home turf for several years now. Typical shit. Bar, failing, closing down, needed repairs, no business. They did the basic repairs, asked the owner to try to keep it open, guaranteed him business and regulars… in exchange for the usual."

   "Their turf. Flying colors openly. Lining the bikes up out front. Their people working the bar. The owner takes his small profit, because it's better than going under and closing the doors, why not try it. Nothing to lose. Merry, I know the drill."

   "Right. Did you read my proposal? I've been there. Ask him? I'm in some way, safer hanging out there, than at home. Think about it. I don't get any manpower. They're like free manpower."

   "Speaking about 'home life', why don't I get an address of where you're at? I'm sick of listing a fucking IP address, as your mailing address. Makes me look like a fucking retard on the files, you know."

   "Fuck you, Mike. You ain't got a safe house for me? I found my own. My own motel room was obviously not too safe for me, or didn't you fucking notice that. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but, you… we… have two options. One? Shut the whole thing down. Piss everyone off. We do that? I ain't joking, I'll fucking put my papers in. If we can't do something? I'm safer going back to my original life, than staying Merry."

   "Oh. You're going to just chuck retirement and Benny's out the window? Merry, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater… see, this is why I want you to take the 90 days. Think this through…"

   "Mike? Think this through. I got lucky I'm not the chalk outline. You have zero intelligence on the rest that haven't shown their hand. What the fuck good is retirement and benefits, if I can't live long enough to collect it? No… that's a matter of survival. I'm not a cupcake. You know me. I'll run risks… suicide though? Just not my thing."

   "Well, what's option two? We keep it running. The boys? Sticking around their turf? That's your safe-house and your manpower? That's… thin."

   "Mike? You're in charge. Do you want option one? Shut it down, I retire before putting a half pension in. We both know I have my nest egg put back. I won't starve. Or? We try option two. Keep everything running. If you wanna think about that one? Check your email. I just sent it from the car. You don't have to read it aloud. Just read it. It's an off the record proposal."

   Mike got his laptop out, and checked.

   "Glad you finally told me, Merry. Let me see… Christ, the WiFi is slow here."

   While Mike was reading his long text document, the waitress came over. No one wanted dessert for a late breakfast. Everyone got their coffee topped up, and she asked if they wanted their check now. Mike said "sure" and went back to reading on his laptop. Periodically he would look up at Merry, and give her a look. Finally, he was done.

   "Panic? Don't take this as being rude, but, we're coworkers… Merry? Have you lost your ever loving mind, honey? I can't sign off on this shit. This is crazier than any of your other stunts you ever pulled."

   Merry retorted sweetly.

   "Yeah, right. By stunts, do you mean things that worked? Name me one time I ever failed. While you're at it, who proposed and outlined my present… assignment? Me. Pound just fell into my lap, doing the last thing. I look better than ever to them, so why not?"

   "I'm not saying it won't work, I'm saying… I can't do this!"

   "Mike? Think. Why, do you think, I sent it to another email, huh? Off the record. You don't have to do anything. It… just happens. It just happens to be an optimum outcome. We can't possibly uncover the rest of the DC local assholes. Do you seriously think I plan to sit around and wait until they get lucky? They won't send one dipshit next time, you know that. I'm hung out to dry. Might as well change my name from Merry to Target."

   "What… so much could go wrong with this…"

   "Yeah, like things aren't going wrong right now. You wanna shut everything down now? No. You wanna explain how your asset got greased, by dirty cops? No. This? Fuck it. It's basically… self defense on my part. All you have to do? Is… sit back, off the record, and let it happen. Then? You step in, and manage it. Gently yank a few strings like you always do for your favorite niece."

   "I don't think so…"

   "Mike? Think outcome. My boyfriend, as far as anyone is concerned? Greased the dirty pig. I look simply fabulous. Even Pound never got his own pig roast in his honor before, sweetie. My old man is getting one. My ass is already painted with solid gold, this will be diamond studs glued to both cheeks. Liberace himself would be jealous, hun. After this is over? My status will go through the fucking stratosphere. I'll get invited to national parties. Myself. Not just hanging on Pound's arm. Can you imagine the gossip that will go on around me? To me? We couldn't run this any better."

   "I admit… I can see where you're going with this… still… I can't sign off on mixing him up in this."

   Panic cut in gently.

   "Uncle Mike? I just wanna point out, someone mixed me up in this, the minute they came to kill me and my waitress girlfriend. Just saying. Please, you two go back to your little meeting."

   "Merry… Jesus Christ…"

   "Think about it. Don't wait too long, or, you'll be visiting my grave for brunch, instead of meeting me in seedy roadside diners like you're used to. Sleep on it."

   "I promise you. I'll think about it."

   "Mikey? Tell me the truth… do you think you could handle the fallout? Not yank the strings we'd want to… but… you know… nudge the strings a little?"

   "What would that be?"

   "You definitely take charge once something happens. Your asset, who almost got assassinated once? Just had a team of dirty assholes come up out of state to finish the job. The fuck are the locals going to do anyways? They won't know whether to shit or go blind… you come waltzing in, flash your shield around… they'll be happy to let you take over. I mean, that much is guaranteed."

   "Yeah… what else?"

   "My boys? Get gentle help. Straight out self defense. Legally? They can't be charged with anything, not even felons armed. Why? Strict self defense mitigates any and all charges associated with saving your own life, or the life of a loved one."

   "Oh, Merry, you can't be serious… no DA would pass up that present…"

   "I'm not asking you to go out on any limbs. You just stand your fucking ground, and go by the letter of the fucking law. What's the alternative? We have zero means of figuring out who the rest of the dirty DC locals are. They're going to keep their heads down now. Would you rather have them start up next year, and start the shit all over again? Go through all this again? Recruit more honest cops like they always seem to? Or… wouldn't you rather just have them take themselves out. I'm sure a few will survive, they get the grilling, so everyone gets bad guys to post around."

   "Oh, you're doing the PR worksheets now too, I see…"

   "Mike? Someone finally puts chrome bracelets on several dirty as hell DC cops? Caught with their hands in the attempted murder cookie jar. Any of the boys that get popped or die? More charges. We simply let my boys, do the work for us… then? We sit back and enjoy the fruits of our labors, which is of course doing nothing, and coming out smelling like dozens of fresh cut roses."

   "You make this sound… interesting. Do you have anything resembling precedence for anything even remotely like this?"

   "COINTELPRO ring a bell?"

   "That's… a dirty word these days. You know that, dear."

   "If you have anything else to propose? Take your time and propose it. If you don't? This is just going to… happen. I need no official record. You don't sign off on shit. You just step in and handle it after the fact. Damage control."

   "How in the fuck am I supposed to persuade anyone to leave your boys alone? It's unheard of."

   "Mikey… this just happened, remember? You have an asset running. You're now handling it, managing it, to have your asset dug in like a fucking tick. Mikey? A year from now? I'm going to be having dinner with the nationals, talking shop like one of the boys… I mean, if you're going to run an eavesdropping operation, do you wanna eavesdrop on locals? Or nationals. Why not hear what the nationals are gossiping about, first hand, instead of waiting for me to pick up rumors and breadcrumbs. We eat at the fucking trough from here on out."

   "Hm… everyone will naturally assume, that my asset? Is a CI. A very male CI… not a tank. Even if I ever had a leak? They would go running in circles trying to figure out which boy it was."

   "Yeah. And, think of my reputation afterwards."

   "If you live, that is."

   "Like I have a long life expectancy right now, the way things are. They want Merry the steakhouse waitress dead and buried in the worst way."

   "And what do you want me to do again?"

   "Just… do nothing. But, since you actually know that it's coming? You'll magically be on top of things, and know just what to do, when it does. Think how good you'll look, being on top of that shit. This happens? Ain't no one going to volunteer to handle this mess. You'll look like the guy taking one for the team, and you'll come out of it on top of the world. I can't find the down side in all this, Mike. Like I said, sleep on it. Don't be stupid and write anything down."

   "Okay, let's say I even entertain this shit-stain of an operation. What's this one going to be doing?"

   "Him? Nothing. I told him, I don't want him socializing with them. He's just my citizen old man. When he's not interested in my business? Everyone will think everything is great. Always butting in? Arouses suspicion. Staying out of everything? Is, once again, perfect."

   "Okay, tell me one more time, how you expect to live through this?"

   "Didn't you read the last paragraph? I won't even be there. Not physically, anyways. I'll just be there… digitally, so to speak. Mike, we're not fighting dirty, we're fighting smart. We aren't even fighting."

   "Let me guess… this is going to just happen anyways. Right?"

   Merry shrugged.

   "Uncle Mikey? I don't know what you're even talking about. I thought, we just met to do the paperwork and let my boyfriend look at my baseball card collection, hmm?"

   "Christ. How am I supposed to go to sleep at night, waiting on this to happen?"

   "Mike, would you cry if the rest of the dirty DC crew, magically disappeared overnight? Or, would you pop open a bottle of champagne. You even get to grill a couple of stragglers."

   "I know, I can read. I can hear…"

   "Mike? When have I ever made you look bad. Every time I proposed something? You sent it up the ladder with your name on it, when did it ever not make you look good. Huh? Am I not your favorite niece? Hmm?"

   "You are."

   "Uncle Mikey… aren't you forgetting something?"

   "You want me to start working on your obituary. Something touching."

   "Hey… if I was blown with the FBI, asshole would have turned me over to the boys. If DC had any clue, they want me dead in the worst way… they would have simply dropped a dime on me. If I were blown, I'd already be retired, face down in a ditch somewhere."

   "Yeah. Thanks. I love being reminded of that."

   "Don't I get a gift card or two? I thought I was on leave for 90 days. I'm not a waitress anymore. Duh. We talked about this."

   "Oh. Yeah… I almost forgot…"

   Uncle Mikey handed his favorite niece an envelope.

   "Any other ulcers you wanna give me? Like I don't have enough to worry about, trying to run this job."

   "Just this little gift, Mike. You say nothing. You do nothing. But? While you're waiting? I want you to mope around the office. Always deep in thought. When anyone asks you why the long face? You let them drag it out of you. You… just have this sense that something is up, you just can't put your finger on it… something big, you just don't know what is is, you know? After this goes down eventually… you'll look like you have fucking ESP. Not to mention, how well you magically manage the unmanageable mess no one else wants to touch."

   "All right. I got other Uncle Mikey stops to make today, honey. I gotta get moving. Panic? Nice meeting you. I know you took care of Merry once, and trust me, there's a boardroom full of people somewhere that are very happy about it. I would say try to talk some sense into her? But, good luck. Merry? I would tell you to be a good girl? But, we both know that ain't gonna happen. So? Since you can't be good? Please try to be careful. Okay honey? How long we been playing these games now, eight or nine years? I wanna see you live to at least vest at ten years. Nice round number. Now…"

   And, "Uncle Mikey" pointed at his cheek. Merry ran around the table slowly, and kissed him a little peck on the cheek, and pinched his cheek.

   "As you can see, Panic… it's almost like I'm actually in charge of my own assets. Not to mention? I'm the one she has wrapped around her little finger. She does make me look good though. I'm the one who has to sign off on her little ideas. This one? Really takes the cake. Panic? I'm more like her real life Uncle, than any boss ever was. I worry about my favorite niece. Take good care of her, would you? And for the love of god, be discreet."

   "Be discreet about what, Mike? Some guy I never met before, and don't know from Adam, bought me breakfast. Come to think about it, this never even happened. What's there to be even discreet about? Take care, Mike. Nice not meeting you, even if we did get off on the wrong foot."

   "You too. Merry? Stay safe."

   Merry wiggled her fingers to wave goodbye to breakfast with her Uncle and she took Panic's fingers with her own and led him out to the car.

   "I guess we're just driving back. Merry?"

   "Oh. Yeah… but…"

   "What?"

   "Mommy wants to go shopping. We're near civilization."

   "Oh. What do you want me to get you?"

   "Nothing. Find me one of those big pet stores, would you? I've wanted to get Bitty Kitty a few nice things for a while now. He deserves it. You want anything?"

   "Can't think of anything I need…"

   "I didn't say need, I said want. My treat, silly."

   "Merry, if you got a couple bucks worth of treat food from yer Uncle? You don't have to spend it on me."

   "Panic. I'm on 90 days leave. I've been living as a waitress in the city for so long, it isn't even funny. I told you, my paychecks? Are direct deposited into my account, and it's locked. For security. If I have money I can't account for, it's very suspicious. I'm for all intents and purposes, in a safe house. Away from the city. I haven't started back to work yet. I just got my three months pay. Do you know how rare it is for me to have my own paycheck for once? Allowed to go do something with it?"

   "Oh. You got some cash."

   "Well, I can't have pay stubs laying around, that come from the office. I got… basically gift cards. You know how you buy one of those… generic credit cards, you can load money onto, so you can safely buy things on the internet? That."

   "Oh, I know. Just like when I got a debit card to get the witness out of the city. Then the guy reloaded it when I got you to testify. What, you got a couple grand? Cool. I mean, if you wanna buy us some pizza here and there, go for it."

   "Uhm, right. I want a few things. I'm a girl. I'm a jeans and T shirts girl. Is… there anything in particular… you… would like to see me wear for you? Hmm…"

   "Oh. You mean, like… lingerie?"

   "Or whatever. Any ideas?"

   "Uh… I mean, what guy doesn't beat off to thinking about his girl in stockings and garters, you know? Uh, crotch-less panties?"

   "Stockings and a garter, and a couple pairs of crotch-less cotton panties? That's it?"

   "Hmm. I guess, there is one thing I always wanted."

   "What?"

   "What's those things called… its like a… giant pair pf pantyhose the girl wears? But all over, one piece. Looks like a giant stocking? And, the same thing but in fishnet?"

   Merry smiled.

   "That? Is called a body-stocking, dear. In case you didn't know already, and it sounds like you don't? You can't buy body stockings that ain't already crotch-less. You… wanna see me in a body-stocking? They're not expensive you know. You buy them in packs. They're practically disposable. They come in regular stockings, and… fishnet. Talk about a slut outfit, huh?"

   "Ooh. You get a pack of those? Honestly skip the stockings and garters."

   "Okay, I'm still gonna get some stockings, too. Couple a colors. What guy doesn't like to see his girl in stockings on weekend nights, you know? And some crotch-less cotton panties. That's not expensive either. That's it?"

   "That's… the best fantasy outfits I can come up with. Your Pochahantas get up? Pretty much has me covered, to tell you the truth. The knee high moccasins drive me nuts."

   "You have a blank check on fuck outfits I'll wear for you, and you want 40 or 50 bucks worth of stuff, and that's it?"

   "Uh… yeah, I guess. What can I say? I'm a redneck. I'm… a cheap date."

   "Hmm. Wouldn't that be a cheap rape?"

   "That too. I prefer to be called inexpensive, thank you very much, not cheap…"

   "Okay. I can get that stuff at any novelty store in a shopping mall, as long as we're by civilization."

   "What are you buying yourself, hun?"

   Merry shrugged.

   "Stuff I wear. Couple pairs of jeans. T shirts. Couple packs of socks and underwear. Figure I should pick up a couple pairs of long johns, maybe a winter coat. In case we're up here when it gets cold. What kind of coat would a gun girl want for a gun cabin, huh? I wanna fit in…"

   "Oh. Honest, a hunting coat would drive the boys wild. Camouflage… if you could score an Army field jacket? That would be over the top. You know, an m-65 field jacket. If you're going all out, get the winter liner to button in it."

   "I'll wear anything for you, and you want me to wear an Army jacket? Shop at the nearest Army Navy surplus store? Seriously?"

   "You asked. You want me to lie to you?"

   Merry shrugged.

   "Okay."

   Panic's phone found them a giant pet store in a strip mall area. Merry pushed the buggy around, and treated Bitty Kitty to some expensive cat food. Different kinds. Canned, soft pouches, you name it. Couple different kinds of "treat" snacks, to see what he liked. She bought a couple of the biggest bags of the most expensive cat food she could find at the specialty store. A few cat toys, one of which was catnip. She added a big bag of catnip to reload the toy or put out bare for him. A continuous water and a continuous dry food dispenser. The biggest carpeted, cat tree house they had on display, and a scratching post. On a whim before checking out, she got a big heated kitty bed. It looked warm as toast by itself, and with the electric heat, it would probably be a cat's best friend.

   Merry had him drive around, until she found a place that had jeans she knew fit her figure, and wouldn't go threadbare after a couple washings. She grabbed several pair in her size, after spot checking one pair and modeling the jeans for him. Merry was fun loving a lot of times, and bounced and preened as if she was modeling lingerie to make him laugh. She went and got socks and panties, and a couple sports bras.

   The whim purchase was a couple of little "workout outfits", and she added a hoodie and sweatpants.

   Panic was told to wait in the mall, on a bench, after grabbing them some soft pretzels and soft drinks. While Merry went into the novelty store. She promised him his outfits, and a few small things to surprise him. Panic told her to be careful how much money she was spending, she didn't want to run out in a month, when she had to plan for three months.

   "You know? That's a good idea, honey. Do mommy a favor while I'm in there getting the good stuff, okay? I want you to go to an ATM. Get an account balance on this card. That way, I'll know if I'm okay for 3 months or not. When he asked what the PIN was, she leaned in his ear and told him. She explained it was always the same PIN, they had done this before, it was routine.

   "All the girls at work know for a couple years now? Merry has a doting uncle who comes by regular. For holidays and birthdays and stuff, what loving uncle wouldn't like to see his favorite niece waitress have a couple hundred bucks of mad money, huh? Gift cards are perfect."

   Panic dutifully went and got her the two soft pretzels and large soft drinks. Found an ATM near his bench, and got the balance. The machine spit out a receipt, that he grabbed and folded over and stuck in his pocket, after retrieving the card back.

   He was trying not to gobble very much on his pretzel or gulp the soft drink before she got back, so they could share together. Merry returned and said "no peeking" at the couple other novelties, they were a cheap surprise for him later on some night. That sounded like a good deal to Panic, and he handed her the extra soft pretzel and soft drink. They went and sat down together to eat and drink.

   Merry kept looking at him, and he wanted to know what.

   "Did you get the balance?"

   "Oh. Yeah… here…"

   He handed her the folded up piece of paper, and went back to planning which piece of pretzel he would eat next. Merry was furrowing her brow at him, and he finally noticed it.

   "What now?"

   "The balance."

   "I just gave it to you."

   "You didn't notice anything?"

   "Other than you asked me to get you a balance, so you could plan your little shopping spree, then you didn't even look at it? Whatever. That's your business."

   "Panic? I normally don't get myself girly girl stuff, but, this is a treat for me to live a little bit for once. I was thinking of getting my hair done at a real salon, you know, get my manicure and pedicure. I usually do my own nails, but, like I said, this is a rare treat."

   "Are you sure that's a good idea, hun? I mean, you don't need any money at the cabin, but, shouldn't you put some away for yourself for a rainy day? But, do what you want. It's your little windfall."

   Merry smiled, and licked some salt off of a piece of her still hot soft pretzel for his benefit, before popping it into her mouth, and licking her lips to tease him before swallowing.

   "Panic. Did you look at my balance?"

   Panic screwed his face up at her.

   "No. My mom would have said that was rude. You're not supposed to be the kind of person that sneaks and looks at people's pay stubs or checkbooks. It's none of my business."

   "Oh. I see… Panic?"

   "Yes dear?"

   "I was… kind of intending you to see the balance on the card. It was cute when you wanted me to watch my money? But, I don't want this everywhere I go today. I'm treating myself to a nice hair and nails salon. Maybe even a massage. All things I normally don't do. It's… a treat for me."

   "Do what you want. You're a big girl…"

   "Panic?"

   "What now? What do you have against me and this pretzel getting acquainted. We're really hitting it off."

   "Look at the damn balance."

   Panic unfolded the receipt she handed him, and looked at it. She had spent a couple hundred bucks, if that much, off of the card. That was all that was missing off of 5,000. Which was the max the generic credit card could be loaded to and hold.

   "Oh. Wow. Well, we're set for the next couple months, then. That's a lot of pizza and coffee, hun. We got free electric at the cabin. You wanna go half's on a beat up used oven? It won't go to waste. If we end up not using it later on, we can just put it in the bunkhouse for the boys. Won't cost anything for an old electric… I rewire and paint the things, you'll think you got a new oven."

   "How much does that run, hun?"

   "Ah. I rewire it? Scrape and paint it? Say… 50, 100 bucks, max. Another 10, 15 for good high temperature paint. Figure another 20 for the good wire so I can rewire it from scratch."

   "Sure. If you want to. If nothing else, we can make burgers and tater tots, right?"

   "Yeah. Judging by your checkbook? We can afford some tater tots."

   Merry waited a while, finishing her pretzel, and working her straw some.

   "Panic. Look in this envelope…"

   He looked in the envelope, and saw she didn't have a second card… she had a stack of the things. Nine of them altogether. He had a confused look on his face.

   "I don't understand. Did you… just get, like, a year's pay or something? You make more money than I do when I'm delivering, trust me. Show off…"

   Merry waited again.

   "Panic? That's a three month paycheck. I told you that…"

   "What?"

   "Panic, I thought I told you already. A regular full agent makes a certain amount of money per month. We pay monthly, if you didn't know. I'm considered to be working more than 8 hours a day like a regular agent. I'm considered working 24 hours a day, seven days a week. So… my rate of pay, reflects that. I get a bit more than that, for my hazardous duty pay. Working around dangerous felons every day?"

   She started making the noise at the bottom of the soft drink, and like a little kid made the noise abusively for several seconds, giggling.

   "You make… what… are all of those cards the same amount?"

   She nodded, getting some ice out to crunch and suck on, again like a little kid.

   "That… that's like…nine… times 5,000… 45,000? For three months pay?"

   Merry nodded. Continued on her little ice binge.

   "Wow. I never realized… you're rich."

   "Well. I do okay. Better than okay, because I make the extra money, but… a nice house in the city like most agents want for the family? Car for the husband, car for the wife. Kids go to college… eating out… insurances, retirements… it adds up. I'm really not rich by city standards. I'm upper middle class, because I get the extra pay perks. From my type of work. Regular agents are just middle class."

   "Wow. I only make… Jesus Christ. You make every month, what I was making in a year."

   "Panic?"

   "Yes…"

   "Honey. I don't make car payments, rent or house payments… vacations… all the stuff normal agents buy. I can't spend my own paychecks. It all just gets direct deposited into my bank account. That's locked for security, like I explained to you before. This has been going on for years."

   "Well. You do really good. I can't decide, whether I'm happy for you, or… jealous."

   Panic smiled, to let her know he was kidding.

   "Panic? How much do your taxes cost you? Couple hundred a year, right? You buy used cars, fix them up. You said used motorcycles… you fix used appliances up and paint them… right?"

   "Well, yeah."

   "Imagine if I retired to a place where you live, instead of tried to retire in the city?"

   "Or… to a cabin in the woods?"

   Merry nodded.

   Panic suddenly got quiet.

   "Oh. I get it."

   "Why… do you sound like that? Something the matter?"

   "No, Merry. I get it. I'm dense, but I'm not that dense."

   "What… do you get?"

   Panic wagged his head, to let her know it was okay, her telling him how it was.

   "I understand. Merry the out of work steakhouse waitress? She thought the shotgun cabin in the woods was a wonderful idea. Or, pillow talk about coming to live at my fixed up old house. You though? You're… not like that. I get it. It's okay…"

   "Panic? What are you… getting out of this little talk?"

   "You can afford better than a cabin in the woods. I get it. Don't rub my nose in it. I mean, I won't get mad? But… I'll get a little irked. I expect this shit out of Trans Am boy, I'm used to his shit. I guess, I'm happy you're giving me the same shit, but, politely and gently. I understand… it's fine."

   "Panic? Honey, look at me. Are we having the same conversation? You're losing me."

   Panic raised his voice, but, only ever so slightly.

   "Honey? Why don't you go get your fingernails and toenails and your hair done, okay? I guess it's my fault. I was kind of… how did you put it? Floating on air? Yeah… I was floating on air, more or less. Thinking about the next three months in the cabin. How much I liked it. But… I said I get it. I know you're not living in a cabin in the woods with me forever. You told me. Politely. Now? If you could just drop it? That would be nice."

   "Panic? What's the problem?"

   "It's not a problem. I was floating on air? Now, I'm not. Whatever. You let me down politely. That was cool. Now? Can we just drop it? Or… I'm… gonna get slightly irked. You made you're point? You drop it now."

   "Panic? How am I letting you down? Where did this conversation turn bad?"

   "How is it good?"

   "But… where did you get the part that I didn't all of a sudden… look forward to being in the cabin we're in right now? You said you were going to make a little bit bigger of a cabin. Oversee the range and George's property. I thought we talked about it. That's what I wanted. That's… what I still want. Panic, all I'm showing you? Is that I can retire tomorrow, and not worry about it. You don't have to worry about it. We're good. If I keep working because it's an easy operation? It's a bonus. But, I meant what I said. I don't want another assignment. This is a long term one, and I'll finish it out, I'm used to it. I can't wait to live in the cabin."

   "Really?"

   "Yeah. What did you think I meant?"

   "I… thought you were politely explaining to me, that you had decent money, and you wanted a few nicer things. Like you're showing me today. I thought you were making a point about it."

   "No. I was just showing you. I'm used to the city. City prices. I never realized how much farther my checkbook would go in a small town like where you live, or, in a cabin working on a range, or whatever. I'm excited about it. I hate the city. I'm having fun, like I'm on vacation."

   "Really?"

   "Yeah. So… were you really… floating on air, up until this misunderstanding?"

   "I guess so. Mildly slap-happy, dizzy but not dizzy?"

   "Yeah. Can… you go back to that now?"

   "I don't know… I guess so, I mean… it'll get back that way on it's own, naturally. This will pass."

   "Panic, what went through your thought processes just now?"

   "You're not fucking with me?"

   "No. Not at all. How did this happen?"

   "Well… I never once had anyone show me their cool paycheck, and they weren't rubbing my nose in it. It's a pretty common thing. If you were a man? I'd probably have gotten… you know… irritated. If you were a man, I… would have… talked to you like I talked to Uncle Mike back there. I don't permit people to make certain kinds of fun of me."

   Merry smiled thin. Put her hand, and warmly, over his arm.

   "Honey? We just came from Uncle Mike's meeting. I came out to you. I made it as… official as I can at this point in my life. You… you're my home life now. I want that. That was the whole point of today. I can't wait to get this stuff out of the way… and… wake up in the cabin every day with you. You… do things for me, I could never do for myself. I don't want that to ever go away. That's why I did what I did today. I'm… nervous and excited? For you to bring your little Mister Fuzzy, and see how well he gets along with Bitty Kitty. That's my biggest problem, once we get the other shit out of the way in the near future. Do you not understand? Where we're at? You're… the closest thing I can imagine right now to my spouse… Honey? Merry the out of work waitress didn't make those promises with you. I did. Don't forget that…"

   Panic looked slightly deflated.

   "Okay. It's fine. I'll… be okay in a while. Couple hours? Tops. Once I get to here? It has to pass on it's own."

   "What?"

   "I don't know… defensive mode? Or something… it'll pass. I'll just be quiet for a couple hours… then? I'll be back to normal. It always passes."

   "You've had… issues… with Trans Am, or, guys like him in the group before, haven't you?"

   "Hell yeah."

   "Fights…"

   "Oh, no. Told you, I don't let myself fight the boys. They're… my animal friends."

   "Well, what do you do then?"

   "Eh. Usually, if it gets to a certain point? I just have a 'workout' with Rob. You know, I let them go for a while? Then I let them see me working out with Rob. That usually settles them down, and, I don't have to hurt anyone."

   "You… work out, with little Robbie? You mean… practice fighting."

   "Well, yeah."

   "But… Robbie… he's six and a half feet tall. I thought he was the kickboxing champ when he was younger."

   "Yeah. Wouldn't impress anyone if I just beat up someone's kid sister now, would it? I have to put on my display."

   "What display?"

   "Non lethal male combat ritual. It's how mammals sort out the pecking order. If I have to do it, I can't realistically go picking pecking order fights with my animal friends, but, I have to do something. I use playing with Rob as my display. A display? That's… when a gorilla or a monkey jumps around? A dog jumps and barks acting up? To let the others know he's not to be toyed with anymore."

   "So… we're okay?"

   "Oh. I said I was sorry, I misunderstood where you were coming from, where you were going with it all. I meant my apology. If you just wait a while, I'll snap out of it, be back to normal."

   "All right. Can we finish shopping?"

   "Sure. Why not?"

   "All right… then can I still get my hair and nails done? Maybe the massage?"

   "If that's what you wanna get yourself, why do I care. Can I watch?"

   "Watch me get my hair and nails done?"

   "Yeah. Never saw it before. Something different."

   "Uh, sure."

   "Just one thing?"

   "Yes hun?"

   "The massage? Is it a guy or a girl that rubs you down?"

   "Its almost always a man, honey. This… this is a professional thing. It's not a happy finish place, if that's what you're thinking. Strong hands? Kneads the muscles. You can watch, not a problem. In fact? Once you meet the massage therapist at the salon? I'm pretty sure you'll be okay with it."

   "Really? Why?"

   "You'll see, dear. Just trust me?"

   "Okay…"

   "So… can we finish… shopping? I'm not trying to irk you, or… take a shot at you. I just want a nice day to treat myself, that I haven't had in a couple years. Now… where are we, we got everything except the coat, hmm?"

   "Uh… yeah. Honey? You don't have to buy a coat that I want to see you in. It's your paycheck. Go get a coat you wanna be in."

   Merry put her arm around his shoulders, and sidled up right next to him on the bench. Laid her head easily on his shoulder. After a few seconds, and a couple deep pulls of public air, she spoke simply and easily.

   "Honey? There are girly girls, and trophy girls… and we know there are girly trophies. I think we both know I'm not one of those, right?"

   Panic agreed easily with her.

   "You're sure not…"

   "Okay. Growing up a natural tomboy, then all the sports. I'm a lot more… well, you know. Just not a girly girl… but…"

   "Whats the but."

   "I'm still a girl, silly. I can never get away from that, no matter how hard I ever tried."

   Merry stuck her jogging shoe out for them to look at idly. Her jean leg rode up, exposing her ankle. She rarely wore socks with her jogging shoes, she preferred the soft lining of the shoe to the wrinkling sock that created blisters. She bopped her head sideways, and wiggled her jogging shoe. She saw Panic start to stare at her ankle he liked, the tan strong thing that fascinated him. The little gold chain wiggled just enough to catch his attention, and held it.

   "Not that you would really want me to get away entirely from being a girl, would you?"

   "No…"

   "The little girl in me, knows what you like to look at. Science girl knows why you like it. Now… wanna know another secret?"

   "You have lots of them. What's one more…"

   "Right. Women don't wear clothes simply because they want to look pretty in the mirror. Not really. We don't feel pretty until we get the attention. That's what we really crave, whether we know it or not, whether we admit it or not. Makes sense, huh?"

   "I could be talked into that one pretty easily…"

   "Okay. Now honey… if the Army coat does something for you? And… does something for your gun friends too? Then… I want one. I'm not a… fur coat girl, and I don't think you want that kind of girl anyways. I want a winter coat. Neither one of us wants me in a fur coat. It's functional too, out in the cabin and around the campfire. Okay?"

   He scraped his head a couple times to admit he was on board now.

   "Okay. They say time heals all wounds, but… not if we leave a chunk of shrapnel in there, you know? Now, Bitty Kitty has been very good to me for a long time, and, I want to treat him a little. He's earned it. He taught me something important, too. I can't get you anything. Anything you want or need you about already have one. So? You get a couple novelty items from the novelty store, and… a coat. Do you know why?"

   "Just tell me. I wish you'd write your damn book already, so I can read the fucking owners manual to this dirt bike I like to ride."

   "That's funny… but seriously? You've been very good to me. Even when I wasn't back. You taught me or showed me something important. Just like Bitty Kitty. So, it makes me feel better, to get Bitty a couple things. It'll make me feel better, to get the gun girl coat. Okay? I'm not taking a shot at you, dropping a couple bucks. I'm… just buying a cat toy and a cat bed. All right?"

   He nodded.

   "Good. Now… when we're done? I want the rare treat of getting my nails and hair and a decent massage. Just like going out somewhere special for dinner, once a year, for a holiday… okay?"

   He nodded.

   "All right. Now, you know yourself better than I do. You sure you'll snap out of this quiet moody thing in a little while?"

   "Always do."

   "Fine. By the time we're all done? You'll be snapped out, we can enjoy one nice dinner out. What's one can of gourmet cat food for both of us right? Ain't we just two big cats?"

   He nodded.

   "All right. Honey? Times like this. Like we just had? Most people either argue it to death, have a power struggle. Or, they just ignore it. Usually, the girl ends up saying something snarky, and it leaves a tiny chunk of shrapnel down in the cut."

   Another nod. Merry put her lips to his close ear and asked hoarsely.

   "Did we dig it out?"

   Another nod.

   "All right. Come on. Try to relax. You're my home life. I want a happy one. Not the fake fucking bullshit everyone else has. I've been very confused all my life. Watching women hurt men any way they can, for no reason I can figure out why. Reminds me of an asshole setting cats on fire, it serves no purpose. I won't ever try to hurt you like that. Okay?"

   He nodded. Still quiet and looking down. The only time he would look around, was to scan when anyone strayed too close, and he was reflexively putting an eye on them, before dismissing any possible threat and going back to his idle study of the pattern in the flooring of the mall walkway, and the occasional glimpse of his precious peekaboo the gold chain afforded him. Like a little visual cat treat tossed at him now and again.

   Merry put her lips to his ear one last time before gently testing pulling intertwined fingers to get him up and to a slow walk with her.

   "When I said I'd never hurt you, kinda goes without saying… I meant not in any way you didn't like, you know?"

   They both giggled and gently pushed their shoulders into each other. An older woman taking a break on an opposing bench was watching them, and smiled. Merry wiggled her fingers and smiled back, before standing up and offering her wiggling fingers out for his to intertwine with them. Took a couple wiggles, then he took them, and got up and went with her.

   Still conspicuously quiet and prone to scanning instead of just looking at things, he asked after a time…

   "So. Am I in trouble? For being the guy version of difficult and complicated."

   "No, honey. Not at all. What about me?"

   "You didn't do anything."

   "Just checking. Maybe it's your thing to sit and brood for a bit, then you come around on your own. Just wanna make sure you don't mind, if I tease around things like that. Don't want you to think I'm being a nosy bitch. Am I? If you don't know, just give me your hunch on it. Take a minute, we have all day."

   She sounded a little bit like Speedy. Barring any real data that was confirm-able or sort-able… a hunch was better than nothing else.

   "Science girl has a good track record."

   Merry squeezed his fingers gently, as she leaned in while enjoying their slow walk.

   "Glad someone does. Lord knows Merry don't."

   They both laughed easily.

   They left the mall, because what looked to be a good old fashioned Army Navy surplus outlet was not too far away. Merry took her time when Panic found her the rack of the 'good stuff', the long collection of military coats. He explained that as you went farther and farther back, the M-65 field coats? Had started out much heavier and thicker, and were practically indestructible. He pointed out though, that unlike things going on clearance, to make way for the new and more expensive latest greatest things? These field coats got steadily more expensive, as you leaped every so many years back in time buying one new.

   Merry couldn't believe how heavy duty the older ones were. Thick, lifetime zippers and buttons. Extra buttons sewed everywhere in out of the way places, Panic had to explain that was so you never had to buy a button, even in the rare event one finally came off. Even the buttons were like rivets on tanks.

   Merry got the heaviest one, the oldest one. Still brand new looking. She admitted the price wasn't any worse than any fashionable windbreaker nowadays. Plus, it was a lifetime purchase. Panic explained how his only developed character, and couldn't be worn out, even if you slept on the ground in it. Panic showed her the button in cold weather liner, that took it from a warm coat, to even better.

   Merry tried to get one that fit, but Panic explained you always got it the next size bigger. So, you could layer it. A hoodie under it? Another season. An insulated hoodie? Yet another. Winter long underwear? With insulated hoodie? Damn near arctic. With a T shirt and the winter lining out? Good for cool nights.

   "Fuck me as hard as you can? This is the little black dress, for boys. Now, I'm still a girl, even if I'm a gun girl for you and your boyfriends, silly. Lots of dark green… lots of camouflage… and always a couple basic black ones. Why so few of those? Wouldn't show dirt and campfire ashes, you'd think they'd be more popular."

   "Most people want the solid green and camouflage green. It's the standard Army issues. All black was always special order, even for the military. You buy one, so you look… Army."

   "What's so special about black? It goes with anything, don't you boys know that?"

   "Merry. I'm sure you know the phrase, black ops, right?"

   "Sure. Use it for everything. You do anything under the table, its a black op."

   "Did you ever wonder why it got nicknamed a black op?"

   "Because they always paint their faces up dark in the movies, honey, everyone knows that…"

   "No dear. In world war one, world war two? Everyone had greens. Green field jackets for cold weather. Very few guys were issued the black field jackets, for working at night. They had the greens for regular daytime use. It… was a status symbol, for the boys in the barracks to see the new guy? Had a black field jacket issued to him. Camouflage wasn't advanced like today yet. Night time? Black was thought best. Guys that worked at night in wartime? Night work. Black jacket. Night ops… so, black ops became the nickname. It stuck."

   "Well, what color is yours, hun. We should match."

   "Field jackets started out all green, for everyone. Except the few black ones. Didn't take long for the Army to go to camouflage, then after world war two? The new 'Air Force' used the solid green. Air Force doesn't have the need for camouflage. Only the MPs and the para-rescue get the camouflage. Distinguishes them, as the tough guys that don't work in an office. It's all a status symbol."

   "So, you have the solid green one. You were a computer programmer in the air force."

   "Yeah… I still wear it."

   "So… I get the solid green."

   "I have a black one, too."

   "Why?"

   "The equator?"

   "Honey, you're not making any sense. The hell good is a winter jacket even in winter down there. Winter is still 85 degrees, instead of 120 degrees."

   "Yeah. The guys, when I was leaving? Got me a… going away present. For my last party. Before I left. Winter field jacket? Yeah, sense of humor gift, you know?"

   "That is funny."

   "Yeah. After we laughed at my winter coat gift, in 85 degree winter weather?"

   "Yes…"

   "They explained… they wanted me to have it. As a… thing. You know. I was a member of the club? See, before they took me in… my phrase was, what do I gotta do to be in the cool kids club, and play with you guys… well, when I was leaving… they said I already knew I was in the club… might as well have the coat. Sorry, we don't have T shirts. I almost cried."

   "You… ever get to see your friends anymore?"

   "How many of your team mates from sports you ever see?"

   "Never. Real life gets in the way for everyone, I think."

   "Same here. I… only get to see a couple of them. Now and then."

   Merry looked at him with a furrowed brow. She forgot all about prancing and preening in her field jackets for him.

   "I guess I'll meet them eventually then. If it's not a boys night out only deal."

   "Nope. You already met them."

   "Who? The boys? How many of them?"

   "A couple. One is one, three or more is several. A couple is specifically two. A happy couple. Like any married couple? They're an odd couple."

   "Hm. Little Robbie. Explains his all boy thing. God himself help me, he has the light of god in his eyes. Then… who is the… odd couple friend?"

   "Skykid. He was Air Force. Like I was."

   "Robbie, I can understand. But… Skykid?"

   "He was the other Air Force guy that passed the physicals and stuff to get in. I was the… radio and computer guy. A needed non combat specialist. Skykid? Was the electrician. Someone has to be able to climb poles, in the dark, and play with electricity like they're breathing. Cut power… steal power… put up antennas…"

   "Skykid was on the… original team, you were on."

   "Right."

   "Little Robbie… was…"

   "Oh yeah. Hard to guess, huh?"

   "You… joined the… club."

   "Yeah."

   "Skykid too?"

   "No. Not his thing. He kept trying to talk me out of it. Not like I wasn't barking up the wrong tree anyways."

   "That's why you and Robbie are so… tight."

   "Yeah."

   "He's… the one who… took you in."

   Panic laughed.

   "Not at first… we started out, it was the complete opposite thing."

   "What do you mean?"

   "Merry, on your sports teams, I'm sure you ran into this before. Person gets a spot, but… everyone. From the coach down to the last player… doesn't want them there. They're just taking a spot away from another player who would help the team."

   "Yeah… seen it happen…"

   "Right. How is that… accomplished? In reality?"

   "Oh. The team…"

   "Yeah. Go on…"

   "Well. They make sure they know they're not… wanted."

   "And… how is that feat accomplished. No one can say anything. How do you… entice them to quit…"

   "They… get picked on."

   "Not regular, like hazing the new girl. This? Never ends."

   "Yeah. Seen it."

   "Were you ever… that girl? Or… were you a star…"

   "A… star."

   "Right. I was that guy. Now, who was Robbie?"

   "The… star."

   "Good. What does the coach do while this is going on?"

   "Nothing. He's… unofficially in on it. No one says a word, they just all… know…"

   "Right. You… ever once see that girl, eventually, make it?"

   "Maybe once or twice. Rare as fuck…"

   "Sure is. Now, if that girl, happens to rare as fuck make it. What happens then? When the whole team, from the coach, down to the last player… when they actually get impressed, and have no choice but to accept them… what happens then?"

   "Oh. Holy shit… the girls can't do enough for that girl… I mean, we all felt so bad, we…"

   "Right. She turns out to be a star player, doesn't she? Future co captain or what not, right?"

   "Oh hell yeah…"

   "Robbie? Was assigned the mission, of getting me to quit. Quit trying to bother the cool kids to let me play with them."

   "Rob picked on you…"

   Panic laughed.

   "No… Rob has a sense of humor. Under the… false pretenses of helping me train? Supposedly? He would just make sure… you know…"

   "More hell than… even the cool kids got that were actually on the team…"

   "Right."

   "It… didn't work, did it?"

   "No. It obviously did not."

   "Rob was the one who…"

   "Apparently, it impressed him. He had to go back and enjoy the joke… how I was happy I was finally getting to… train, like I wanted."

   "That's… how you… impressed your boyfriends you wanted to hang out with."

   "Uh huh. One by one… they started sticking up for me. Caused quite a number of… discussions. They finally took a vote when I wasn't there."

   "Oh. In or out vote. See if yer blackballed…"

   "Not quite, Merry, this isn't a sports team. Its not about the win loss record every year. Oh, we'll get 'em next year. This is life or death, for the other team members."

   "Where… is this going."

   "Where does it sound like it's going. I had half the team sticking up for me, and the other half… well… it's not a matter of what's fair, and what's not fair. It's a matter of life and death. Apparently, the joke going around, was that they were either going to have to kill me, or, take me in."

   "Yeah. They took you in."

   "Not yet. See, the game plan had always been… lets say they all had to jog ten miles. Well, Rob would tell me I had to jog twenty miles. Everyone else had to do ten pull-ups minimum? Rob would tell me I had to do twenty. Like that…"

   "I'd end up doing it… it was just the fun thing for everyone else to be in on the joke, you know? Like when your team all claimed yeah, we all did that, you have to do it…"

   "So… what did they do?"

   "Someone got the bright idea. Why not tell me I had to get taken out in really rough seas? During a big storm. Jump off by myself, really far out. Yeah, he's stupid enough to be all excited to do it. Let him… drown himself. Let the problem? Take care of itself. Just tell him we all had to do it, he'll jump around all happy about it, like anything else we tell him."

   "So… they did."

   Panic smiled.

   "Of course. Start of monsoon season. Sea was really high waves. All we had, was one of those big inflatables, you see in all the movies. Two big outboards on the back?"

   "Yeah."

   "I didn't know it was dangerous for them to even take a craft like that, out in open water in a storm that bad. Apparently, the other half of the team? Wanted me gone so bad, they were willing to practically risk their own lives, just to try to get rid of me."

   "That's… funny now, but…"

   "No, it's straight funny even then. Apparently, a couple of the Seals damn well knew, that small a craft shouldn't have been out in a storm half that bad. Guys kept asking me, how did I like the weather?"

   "Hey. I gotta show off for the cool kids. I'm all like whee, this is better than an amusement park ride. Apparently, a few more guys were getting on my side, and I didn't know all this shit yet."

   "They drop you off?"

   "Fuck that. Apparently the game was, I wouldn't be stupid enough to jump off in that weather, without a strobe and a locator beacon. Then? They could claim since I wouldn't do it… this was over."

   "You jumped out."

   "Why not? I didn't know in that kind of weather, in that kind of craft, it was dangerous enough to even be out in it, and running around trying to locate someone, without a strobe and a locator beacon? Impossible. Way I heard it, they barely made it back themselves to the beach. Big storm was getting pretty bad. Later, I found out one of the guys got hit in the head with a fucking coconut, coming in off a big wave. Almost killed him, they barely kept the unconscious guy in the boat. Back on shore? Fucking brawl broke out. Guys on my side, guys on the other side. Other guys in the middle? Getting in on the all out brawl because they almost got killed, trying to kill me. Apparently, it was quite a free for all."

   "What happened?"

   "Aw, you can't do shit in waves like that. I guess I'm ten miles out? In 30 foot waves and 60 mile per hour winds. I'm not fucking retarded, I just float on my back. I got taken out quite a bit. Next morning? Storm's gone. I started taking naps and lazy backstroking off and on. No real big deal. I could see a mountain in the far off distance, so, I knew which direction land was. I just kept taking naps, and worming my way in. The sunburn and lack of fresh water, was more dangerous than the water was. I finally caught a break, when a high tide came rolling in, and I got carried in."

   "What happened?"

   "Oh. Nothing right away. I just buried myself in the wet sand to get out of the sun, and I was too weak to try to get anywhere off the beach anyways. Figured the boys would find me eventually. Me? I'm too dense to figure out, they're not having trouble finding me, they're not looking for me, I'm supposed to be dead. I'm just too damn stubborn, or stupid, to figure that out."

   "Well, you made it back, obviously."

   "Yeah. I woke up in some local village. You know, our friendlies? They knew we were there to help them. They were all excited to find one of the guys, and, you know. Food, water, rest… some cold wet clay mud on my sunburn? Couple days, I'm peeling and up and around. Played charades with them, to figure out which direction to hike back to the boys club."

   "Then you were in."

   "Not yet. These are the really cool kids I'm trying to hang out with, weren't you listening? Well, everyone's just looking at me. Most of the guys, looking down at their boots… looking around… something was up. We're boys though, another fucking all out brawl got started. Someone yelled something out, that gave the game away. I went after him in the middle of this with a fucking coconut, tried to bash his fucking skull in. Literally…"

   She saw the face she already knew was underneath, she'd seen it before and knew what it meant…

   "I had just figured out, that the idea wasn't to let me train, the idea had been all along… to try to make me quit annoying them. I had just figured out, that my friend that stuck up for me, and offered to get me ready? Was just in on the big joke. Laughing at me the whole time. I had just figured out… why at first everyone was daring me to jump out in the storm. Laughing. Then? Holding me in, when I wanted to do it. Never did make sense, daring me to do it, then everyone suddenly preventing me from jumping. Hell, I waited and broke someone's nose, so I could grab my chance to do… what everyone else was claiming they all had done already."

    "It was a mess. You got half dozen Navy Seals, and maybe two dozen Airborne Rangers and assorted scout snipers and force recon veterans. All trying to beat the shit out of each other, taking sides. Three little teams fighting in this mess. You got the guys sticking up for me, you got the guys want me gone. You also got some guys not on either side, staying out of it? Highly pissed off they almost got killed, trying to scare me off. Those guys, are taking cheap shots on guys on either team fighting it out. I'm still trying to get my chance to kill that one guy with my coconut, I'm trying to come up behind him and get him… like I said? A big hairy mess… Someone started cracking rounds off in the dirt around us, only way to settle us down."

   "Rob? And your… buddy Trey? They said they'd fucking had it, this shit was going to end one way or the other, right now. They gave a little speech, and pointed out I had just committed suicide, trying to impress them. So, they took a vote. A real one. The couple Seals decided… do the drowning thing. After I agreed, and mouth to mouthed back… they asked if I was willing to do it one more time. Fucking finally, lets get it over with."

   "Then? Fucking party time. Guys that actually hated me, and had tried to kill me? Admitted to me I did more then they did, getting there in the first place. They felt bad. Like I said, I became their mascot. They wouldn't let me not train and enjoy 'play-time' after that. A year later? I got kicked off the recon team, being bait… they pretty much kidnapped me, and wouldn't let me off the monster team. That was that. Rest? Happy history."

   "You? Are the nicest guy I ever met, I'm pretty sure… but you know that you're completely insane, right?"

   "See, you sound like Skykid. That's what Skykid always said. He wasn't trying to jump teams like I was. Aren't all those guys insane? Kinda the whole point. Guys just like Rob said I was crazier than they were, this bullshit's over. Or? A bunch of us are either going to get killed trying to scare me, or worse yet, kill each other arguing about it. Like Rob said, this shit has to end."

   "You're… worst enemies… slowly turned into…"

   "My best friends I think I ever had. Guys like that? Once they take you in, there's nothing they wont do for you. Told you, I became kinda the team mascot or some shit. New Ranger came in? Joke was… look, we got a computer programmer from the 'Chair Force' here, you gotta impress him before we quit putting shaving cream in your helmet…"

   Panic and Merry both laughed, it was ironic and funny, if only in the end.

   "Oh my god, this isn't funny. I'm not supposed to be laughing."

   She subsided to giggles…

   "How long did you play for that team?"

   "Couple, several years. Oh, it was great. The medical guys? I learned how to sew up arteries in the field. How to fight with them. The exquisite art of sentry removal. Play-time in the woods. How to make weapons out of nothing. How to blow shit up properly, with very little C-4… you take out the right Popsicle stick? Whole thing comes down. You have to know how to build it, to bring it down correctly. Shooting long distance, from the scout snipers. CQB and fun house from the recon guys. No end to the fun-time…"

   "CQB?"

   "Close Quarters Combat. Up close and personal, where rifles are useless. One on one naturally, or… picture a two team street brawl where you play to win."

   "Gee. Can't see why you'd ever wanna come back to the real world. Like living in an amusement park."

   She furrowed her brow and tilted her head.

   "How did Robbie and Skykid get so close?"

   "I guess after me… I always did hang out with Skykid from day one, only other Chair Force guy around… him and Robbie started hitting it off. Robbie wasn't as interested in only hanging out with the cool kids anymore."

   "You… and Robbie… got out together, you said once."

   "Yeah. I thought I was having fun. Rob kept trying to explain to me, we can't live like this… we gotta go back. Try to live the good life."

   "The real world."

   "Yeah. Such as it is. Filled with a bunch of animals that don't even realize, for the most part, why they even do the shit they do. Rob? Well… he's still… Rob. Came out the womb as a tough guy, he can't be anything else but himself."

   "And you?"

   "I started out life as a… weird intellectual? Dreamed of becoming half a tough guy. Did that, got the T shirt… what do I have left to prove? Nothing. I don't even care about that shit anymore. I guess it was a… phase. I outgrew it. God… or, whoever it is in charge of this fucking three ring circus we got going on down here… made me a weird intellectual. That? Is what I'm supposed to be. So… I wouldn't dare try to be more or less than that. It's what the universe wanted. Who am I to question it."

   "And it's why you… don't mind people…"

   "Yeah. Its not their fault, not really. We're… not different here? Than… those grass hut villagers, really. We just have cable TV and internet. Down there? Villagers? They'll do anything, to try to earn this… animal tooth, on a string they get to wear around their neck. Man, you should see the look on their faces if they finally get it. They… walk around that village ten feet tall… cute girls in the village all trying to get him to notice them…"

   "What's their values like?"

   "Oh. That. Well… wealth in a little village? Money isn't really a concept. Wealth? Like we think of it? A big herd of goats. Lots of healthy sons. To work the goats. They hate what we hate. Stealing. Cheating. Murder. You… are supposed to have ideals. Like telling the truth. Being a good craftsman, making stuff people want and need. Falling in love? Mating? Staying together? No different than here. You know the only difference? Other than there's no money?"

   "What?"

   "The values are more or less, like I said, exactly the same. They like the same values we like, hate the same shit we hate. The difference? They keep what they're taught as children and growing up. They don't hit a certain age, and… get told 'well, adults realize its really like this…'. None of that shit. No internet? No TV? To teach them otherwise? The values stay. We up here? We… don't do that anymore. We think, we're more advanced for it? We're not… it's really a major step backwards."

   "No money… we forgot that it's not really important. That's where you got that from."

   "Yeah. Oh, man… if you're the best at making… stones into polished beads? Getting them drilled and onto a string? Oh, fuck… you basically own the biggest jewelry store anyone for sixteen villages away in any direction can go to. People will give you anything you want, to get stuff that takes you a long time to make. Doesn't matter who your parents are, or if you even have any. You get really good at some craft? Sky's the limit for you. You can marry a chief's daughter. Live like a king. See sons and daughters become wise leaders of the village. Try that shit here."

   "It used to be like that. Anyone can grow up to become president, like Lincoln did. Anyone can grow up to become the next Henry Ford."

   "It used to be. Now? We know its not really like that any more. Anyone in Washington DC will tell you straight out, after the invention of television? Abraham Lincoln could never get elected… too ugly. The fuck that's got to do with it, I ain't got figured out yet. See, people used to just hear about what his ideas and speeches were… used to just read his speeches… they were fucking impressed. Nowadays? TV. Ugly people can't make it past the laughter. What poor person could ever hope to become mayor, let alone a senator to become president one day? You need campaign money. Then the more you're willing to bend your values? The more money the rich people will give you, and it's the only way to take the next step up."

   "The more you talk about actual, proper values? The more people laugh at you, and tell you you don't know how it really is… that you're stupid…"

   Panic smiled and nodded.

   "See? Told you a while back, when I first met you. Other than your sexy ankles? That's what really attracted me to you."

   "You don't care about money… you care about… abilities."

   He nodded. smiled.

   "Basically? I just want left alone to make my beads. Try to figure out how to get goats fucking quicker. Make something to drill coconuts faster and more accurately. Whatever. Friends and family are great, acquaintances are okay… anything else? I'd rather be left alone to do my own thing."

   "You don't even want to hurt anyone if you don't have to. You don't want… revenge…"

   "Nope. You know, I was an honest to god stranger, in a strange land. I washed up on the shore. Half dead. Those… mud hut villagers found me, were all excited to get food and water in me for a couple days, mud my sunburn up. Charades me the direction to get back to where they were sure the other strange people were at. Some toothless old hag, blowing smoke on me, rubbing god knows what on my forehead, making tea out of thank god I had no idea… they had people stay up all night to take care of me."

   "That's… sweet."

   "Isn't it? Now… what would we do? Up here… what if we found one of them, in the creek in our back yard, hurt bad. What would we do?"

   "Call the police."

   "See the problem?"

   "Yeah. Mud hut people, just like them… you walked through and saw…"

   "Yeah. They didn't deserve that. No one does. You might not know the devil when you see him? But… easy to see his work."

   "You… you guys… you never… won. Did you. I can hear it in your voice."

   "We won most of the battles, but, the war ended before we could… win. If you wanna call it winning? We were killing way more zombies than they were ever taking ours out. If that's… winning? Yeah. We were sort of winning. I guess."

   "You… said the devil is up here now. You're… chasing him. You and Speedy and George."

   "Yeah. Damned close to getting my hands on him, too."

   "You… just want to win. Help… the villagers up here."

   "Mm hmm."

   "You… really didn't care… that I tried to drown you… for a half hour straight. You just wanted…"

   He nodded.

   "I won. Am I not in the… Merry club?"

   "Am I really just a cat to you?"

   "In a way? Yes. As a human though?"

   "Yeah…"

   "You're the only girl… I ever met? That… has any kind of values that even remotely resemble the villager's values."

   "Do… you want me to wear a grass skirt one night? Dance around our own private little campfire?"

   They both laughed hysterically for a few seconds.

   "Actually? Once wouldn't be that bad. Probably be less of an issue we get caught doing that than half the other shit, don't you think?"

   They both laughed again. Merry couldn't stifle giggles trying to get out.

   "You're… probably right. Panic?"

   "Yeah."

   "Why didn't you… just bring one of the villagers up here? You know. A girl…"

   "Honestly joked about it once. Then I sat and thought about it. I mean, I'm crazy enough to try something like that. I don't give a fuck. Sure I could find one with sexy ankles, you know? Thing is… I can't do that to her. I was down there, look how they treated me. I bring her up here? What would her whole life be like. You know what it would be… she could never be happy up here. I could be happy, if the shit was down to a dull roar down there, but… the other way around? It would never work. I know it, you know it. She would either hate it and couldn't take it, or worse I think…"

   "She'd… slowly change… into…"

   "One of us. In a way, we're kinda the real monsters."

   "So… what was the real issue down there. Why were the… zombies running around anyways. Didn't they have their own shit to do?"

   "Oh. It's a fucking three ring circus. Only thing missing is clowns juggling riding unicycles. See, this area? It's our ally. Friends with them. Now… the world wants cheap coal, natural gas… these mud hut people? Had the great misfortune to live over top of a vast undeveloped patch of the shit. Naturally, they are far too stupid, to possibly realize that some devil in a suit, in another country, owns that shit. Silly villagers, thought living in the same village for thousands of years, gave them rights to their dirt. I mean, how silly is that, you know?"

   "Okay…"

   "The zombies? Are to get rid of the nice villagers. So… they can let the nice devil in the nice suit? Have his coal and natural gas. That's the basic issue."

   "Following you so far. It'll get complicated about now, I'm sure."

   "Always does. The devil in a suit? Is in another country, and that's also an ally country. We can't send the military to defend our poor allies. Only retards defend poor people, don't you know anything. But… we can't exactly go around watching the bayoneting of pregnant girls in their big bellies either, now can we. The devil gets the zombies to clear the land… we're getting pressure to do something. We sent teams down, off the books, to… monitor this situation."

   "Recon team. You and Skykid…"

   "Right. We were… doing the right thing."

   "Then, I remember this part…"

   "You already know the rest. We don't really wanna do the right thing, we don't really wanna do the wrong thing. We pretend we're doing something. Then, go figure. It's an off the books, all out brawl down there."

   "You guys started winning."

   "Right. When we were getting chased around? The problem was we weren't doing anything. When we finally started winning? Again, that's another problem. We now can't pull out, we look like assholes. We can't actually win, because, god fucking forbid some rich French asshole doesn't get his coal."

   "Three ring circus."

   "Yeah. Just when you're getting close to putting a stop to it all? They move you around… basically let it all get going again… then turn us loose again…"

   "Rob got you to understand that. Got through to you."

   "Yeah."

   "You… you're… fighting your own little war. Against the new devil you found."

   "Yeah."

   "You want to… redeem yourself."

   "I guess. Me and Speedy? We're closing in, step by step. Until?"

   "Oh fuck. You ran into the federal government. Boardrooms. Red tape parade."

   "Yeah. College football jock. Running the stats up…"

   "It's not even his fault. He's actually a good guy, just another animal, doing his thing…"

   "Yeah. It's another three ring circus."

   "Hmm. What am I? The bearded lady?"

   "Not any more, you shaved…"

   "Oh Christ… Hitler's mustache… you will not start calling me 'Hitler', mister. I'm warning you…

   "Oh. No way… you're 'Hotler'…"

   "I'm afraid to ask, what a Hotler is…

   "Smoking hot babe, dressed up in an ever so sexy SS uniform… got those sexy knee high boots on… Mm."

   "Panic! You're bad! Okay, what does the Hotler girl do, Hmm?"

   "Pffft. What any smoking hot SS babe does, duh. Rapes… and tortures… innocent little Irish boys… does the dirtiest things to them, until they like it…"

   "Oh god, stop it! You're rotten!…"

   "Then, why are you laughing…"

   "The racquetball girls?"

   "The ones that got you wanting to show off a hand-print on yer ass cheek…"

   "Yeah, them… we… this isn't a Hitler's mustache… this is properly called… a postage stamp."

   "Got a back story to that one?"

   "Of course. It's so you can lick me, and stick me, and send me on my way…"

   "Playing postman. I get it…"

   "It's always going to be Hitler's mustache now, isn't it?"

   "Yep."

   "I figured. You ever going to ask for another one, eventually?"

   "Any chance of getting SS lightning bolts? That would be hot. Naughty girl, looking to blitzkrieg…"

   "We'll see. Meanwhile, do you want the green, the camouflage, or the black one."

   "Oh. The black one. Definitely. Bad girls wear black…"

   "Hmm… do they now…"

   "They do."

   "And… what do these bad girls wear under their sexy black field jackets, hmm?"

   "Oh, they're like… total sluts… stuff like crotch-less fishnet body stockings. They're shameless."

   "Surely they don't run around like this all day, do they?"

   "Oh no. It's a… night ops thing. Very hush hush. Off the books."

   "I see. We'll have to keep a keen eye out for these… night ops girls. I heard, you can't even see them coming, at night."

   "Oh, no. You need special equipment. Special colored glass lanterns. To even spot them after dark. Hard to see them."

   "I see. Are they… dangerous…"

   "Very."

   Merry quit and rolled the jacket and the winter liner over her arm suddenly.

   "Yeah. Definitely the black one…"

   Merry impulse bought a thick black canvas duffel. Said a girl needs a purse that matches her outfit.

   "How many rape tools you plan on having, night ops girl?"

   "As many as I need."

   Merry swiped her card and they plopped it in the trunk with her other bags. She now was free to plan her nails and hair and a massage. Before dinner. Their phones handled that.

   "So."

   "Yes dear?"

   "You don't have to watch me get… pampered like a girly girl. You're a guy. It's in the other mall, you have my permission to run free, and look at… guy stuff."

   "I thought I got to watch."

   "You're not watching. You're just wondering about the guy that's gonna have his hands all over me. For probably an hour. While I won't lie, I'll most likely be moaning up a storm…"

   "You know dear, a trained operative such as myself? We're taught to smell a trap. I know bait, when it's dangled…"

   Merry smiled.

   "So. Take the bait."

   "A little later on? I plan on it."

   "Good."

   "Actually, you're quite bad… borderline? Naughty girl."

   Merry stuck her tongue out at him driving her to her appointment her phone claimed she had scored.

   "Borderline? I'll just have to try harder…"

   "Was that one of those Freudian slips? Have to try harder?"

   "I'm pretty sure it is."

   "Or? Some wanna be naughty girl. I'll have to investigate it. Thoroughly."

   "You should be more careful. Your big night's coming up soon. Things might be rough enough as it is already."

   "I'm hoping Bitty Kitty will protect me. I've been bribing him to win him over."

   "Yeah. I've noticed how much help he is. Last time I tied you up? He came and laid down on you, and tried to go to sleep. You might need another ally."

   "See? He's risking his life, putting himself right in harm's way. He's trying to hold the fort down, until reinforcements arrive."

   "Reinforcements? I thought I previously explained the rules of engagement, mister. I don't do couples…"

   "I'm getting Mister Fuzzy. He won't let me down. Together? They'll be a force to be reckoned with."

   "Yes. I'm sure. Two cats laying on you. I'm fucking terrified."

   "It's a tactic. See, you plop the one off? The other hops on… you plop him off? The other hops back on. It's a well coordinated strategy."

   "Honey. I can toss a dead mouse in the corner, and your allies will desert you."

   "I didn't say the defensive strategy was perfected. We're still working on it. Could use some small refinements here and there."

   "I see. Someone? Snapped back a little while ago. I can tell. You're yourself again."

   "Sorry about that."

   "It's fine. Don't apologize."

   "Okay. Fucking deal with it, then."

   "Hmm. I thought we went over this. I intend to…"

   "I just want you to know, Speedy is awaiting my full and detailed report of what goes on at these so called nail salons. I'm starting to get the picture already… nail salons? Back room? Mr. Stronghands? I'll have you know, I intend to get to the… bottom… of all this."

   "If you pretend I have you litter trained at the salon? And promise not to dry hump my ankles at dinner? You will in all probability get my bottom. If that's the part you want."

   They found a spot to park in, and made their way to the salon. One half was devoted to a more or less typical line of hair style chairs, and the other half was the nail salon. The girl working the greeting counter was pleased to have her client early, and ushered Merry back to start on her nails.

   Panic figured he was relegated to a seat in the waiting area, and had a large assortment of magazines to choose from. No gun magazines, go figure, but every girl magazine on earth known to women.

   Merry asked him if he was having fun. Panic explained to Merry and the women doing her pampering already underway, that he was doing research for her, trying to locate the proper magazine for any articles her friend science girl came up with that were interesting.

   "Oh. I'm sure the Hotler article? Will be a big seller. Won't offend anyone. I'm sure the publishing and movie rights will be scooped up quick. It will be the start of a long and fruitful girl media empire."

   The girl on her right hand nails? Giggled and wanted to know what a Hotler article was. Merry assured her? She didn't want to know.

   The left hand girl giggled, and declared them both funny and fun.

   "Ladies? Is my husband allowed to watch? I promise he's litter trained. It's… a thing. Article. I've been trying boy things with him and his guys. He's supposed to tag along on some girl things. It's supposed to… make us bond, or something."

   Right foot wanted to know if it was working.

   "Well? I haven't killed him yet. That's something, right?"

   Left foot chimed in.

   "Lack of homicide. Always the clear start of a healthy relationship. I'd like to murder my boyfriend some days. I need that article."

   The girl that greeted didn't have anyone to greet, came and brought Panic back, and got him a seat close to the action. Merry practically blushed when she smiled at him. Looked almost guilty. Four girls each had a hand or a foot, and were soaking the nails in their weird solutions. Brushing under nails. Taking little tools and working.

   "Hmm. Someone has short nails for work."

   "Yes. Meetings can get rough at work. I haven't had time to get this in a while."

   "Well, being a level four customer will make up for that, darling. How long have you two been married."

   "Oh. Not long. Been together a little while before that though."

   "Well, it's nice to see you get along. I can't remember the last time we had a husband agree to sit and watch this. Does he want something done too? We do men's hair and nails too, you know."

   "Honey? Something you're interested in?"

   "I think next time, maybe. That's another article, I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to do two at once, didn't you say."

   "Yes. You're right, dear. One at a time only. I'm just kidding girls. He works with his hands. There would be no point."

   "We do clear and strengtheners on almost all the guys. But it's usually more of a suit thing. Someone doesn't work in an office, do they?"

   "He normally doesn't. He's been trapped in one lately. We escaped for a couple months."

   "Oh. You two get to work together, how nice."

   "Work isn't as fun as it used to be. Anymore now, I swear I don't know if I'm helping him, or he's helping me. I'm probably in some kind of hot water, for stealing his ideas."

   "He can't be too sore at you. He got you a level four…"

   "Yes. He's very sweet. Not sure I could live without him now. He's been a real lifesaver."

   "So, what do you guys do?"

   "Well, the one article? Said you have to take your hobby and turn it into a career, so… you know. Espionage, murder, a little drug dealing. That sort of thing. Throw in a fancy rape now and again? Call it a career…"

   Panic rolled his eyes, and the four girls, now with the greeter in tow, were all in stitches.

   "You two are a hoot. Seriously…"

   "Oh, okay. I just say that because it sounds so much sexier. We're really boring. We were doing the restaurant thing, down south. Now, we're up here, taking a trial at property management, he calls it."

   "Oh. You like it?"

   "It's got the restaurant thing beat hands down. Six, seven days a week? Is a drag. This is much better. I swear, it's like being on vacation most days."

   Panic crossed his legs, and had to hide his face behind his palm. Merry was way too good at this. Things went along these lines for a while. As her nails were finishing up, the greeter asked if she wanted the massage before or after the hair. Merry liked before.

   "And would your hub like to watch? For the article? I don't want your hub to leave thinking anything's going on back there. We don't run a massage parlor, you know… I'm going to go back and get Bob cracking. You'll be in his hands in a few minutes, literally."

   Merry looked over at Panic and opened her mouth slightly and half closed her eyes. This was being pampered. It was her comic ecstasy face.

   "Ladies? Could one of you shove one of those sharpened Popsicle sticks up under the nail a little harder? I wanna get my money's worth outta this."

   The one girl made a mock mean face, and pantomimed shoving the little stick up under the nail she was on, letting the stick slide up through her hand to fake shoving it in.

   "Is that better? A little torture, between all the raping and drug dealing…"

   The girls all giggled again.

   "Seriously. You two are more fun that the regulars. You can't imagine all the tight asses we get in here. There's no rule saying work can't be fun."

   Merry agreed…

   "I know, right? Is Bob ready back there? Bob! Help, the girls are hurting me!"

   Bob appeared out a tiny door to a tiny enclosed area.

   "Bobbi with an I, is ready and willing… and hi sir, so nice to meet you…"

   Bobbi with an I, held a floppy wrist out for Panic to shake a finger or two. More feminine than Merry did it, and that's even when she was acting girly.

   "No, Bobbi… I'm sure the pleasure's all mine. Nice to meet you too."

   "Oh, Merry, right? He's so sweet. Thanks! Well, you watched nails, you might as well see how we tenderize the muscle tissue. Wouldn't dream of you thinking all the strange noises are anything perverted. We don't run that sort of shit through here, despite my best efforts. Ha!"

   Bobbi with an I disappeared into the back room to prep things. The four nail girls smiled at each other and at Merry. Who couldn't contain herself.

   "Confession, girls?"

   "Oh, go on. It's what we're here for…"

   "I've been teasing the hub all the way here. About the massage? All the strong male hands. The moaning."

   The girls were all trying to keep from letting any giggles escape, and were experiencing varying degrees of success.

   The one smiled at Merry and couldn't help herself either.

   "If he doesn't want his hair done, or a nail job… maybe he would want to share the massage time? I'm sure Bobbi won't mind. An hour's work is an hour's work. If you two want to share his hands, that's your business."

   Merry looked over.

   "Dear? Interested?"

   "Uh, no. I'm good. Thanks though. It's very generous of you to offer to share."

   "Your shoulder, honey. I'm sure it might help…"

   "No, it's fine. Look…"

   The girls were trying not to laugh while he made vigorous swimming motions with his bad arm shoulder, suddenly on the mend just like that.

   "What happened to your sweetie's shoulder? Work?"

   "Yeah. We had an oopsie at the restaurant thing. Never would of happened in a million years, but… he ended up getting a wee piece of metal go right through the edge of his shoulder. Looked worse than it was, but still. That was that, you know. Property thing? Here we come."

   "Aww, you poor thing. I'm sure Bobbi can help…"

   "Yeah. He likes macho boys."

   Bobbi with an I poked his head out of the back door-frame.

   "Bobbi can hear you…"

   The girl giggled.

   "You were meant to hear, Bobbi. You told us, to start teasing you, so… just had to take it out for a spin…"

   "No. I know. I told you, I meant it… how can I be one of the girls, if you don't tease me…"

   "Anyways, Merry is all yours now. Sir? Go on back. There's another seat. Lotta girls like to talk while getting their rub on."

   "Oh. I'm good, really."

   Bobbi came out. Hands on hips, spitting image of Merry posing, other than being a guy and all.

   "Oh, get back here. What husband shouldn't learn how to put his hands on a woman's body."

   Panic waved and smiled at the four girl nails crew.

   "Well, I might as well get some pointers. I could have been doing things wrong all this time. No harm in watching an expert go to it…"

   The one girl smiled.

   "You're a good sport, sir. Enjoy."

   Bobbi with an I, gave a running commentary what he was doing and why, in between girl talk with Merry. Blood flow was essential. Most amateurs didn't put the oomph into the massage. It wasn't about rubbing the hands over the body, you had to really pound and knead the muscles, that was the whole point. You wanted to develop a good overall red color tone, to even think you were getting anything done.

   Panic was a little surprised at the pounding Bobbi with an I gave his "wife", right in front of him. He looked like he was trying to break her neck with his grip, if he didn't know any better. Both hands squeezing and rolling the neck. Squeezing and pulling the shoulders. Hard thumbs pushing forcefully in circles with actually what looked to be an astounding degree of pressure.

   He used the balls of his fists to simply pound up and down the sides of her spine, then to knead and shove the path, then returned to another pounding. He pushed his thumbs in circles into her soles and palms as well. Merry did make noises, most of which could have been mistaken, if recorded and played back, for what would surely sound like the recording of an hour long and quite enthusiastic encounter.

   Moans, gasps, "Uh", "Ahh", "Oh", "Ooh". When Merry had a chance, she would pick her head up slightly to show Panic her face. Mouth slightly open, eyes narrowed in glee. A silent "ah". She had to go face down into what was best described the padded toilet seat, when Bobbi with an I came back up the spine or the shoulders. Her face all but dribbled like a basketball off of the soft toilet seat.

   Bobbi had a rather impressive array of techniques. Karate chops in rapid fire up and down the back, and even chops to the neck from varying angles. Panic was quite surprised, with some of the speed and precision when this part came. Bobbi was probably quite capable of chopping a man's neck and breaking it, the same way Panic himself had been shown this fun technique when younger. The irony was indelible.

   Panic was a straight guy, who had been taught to kill by chopping a neck the right way with his hand. Bobbi, was as feminine a man as was humanly possible and even them some, and was capable of only giving a woman extreme pleasure, that she would pay well and tip for. Panic thought, you just can't make this shit up, if you don't see it with your own two eyes.

   The karate like chops up and down the spine led to rapid fire rabbit punches. Quick, precise and very fast and accurate. This flamer could be taught to hurt, maim, and kill a man twice his size in short order with the proper motivation. He had obviously been taught something of the human anatomy. Whereas Panic had literally studied how to snap and break ribs, this man had been taught to avoid such. When he bore down with great strength, he carefully avoided doing it on the floating ribs, which were easiest to snap.

   He thumped forearms with solid torque, and used elbows. Some elbows pushing like thumbs for pressure, some elbows delivered like a shot. Panic had been taught to use forearms and elbows to maim and debilitate; this man once again, had similar techniques that made Merry look like she was falling into a nearly unconscious state of pleasure.

   If Bobbi had leaned towards a Y instead an I, and been a regular guy… he wasn't unmanly once you took away his obvious leanings. Only an inch short of Panic's height. Big bones, but slender sleek muscles. Looked like he jogged and did yoga, but definitely did something for muscle tone. Light weights or some natural workout.

   Strong hands, like a mechanic would have. Panic had been friends with many men over the years earlier in his life, that had this almost identical body, and they were holy terrors. For all Panic knew, Bobbi could have once been a dyed in the wool killer at one time. Changed his ways and went as far the other way as he could. Or not. He might have been a gymnastics boy, and earned his body that way.

   Glad the guy wasn't straight, or he would have had to put his hands on him, Panic laughed to himself. Merry was nearly as happy with this guy smacking her around as she was having Panic himself perform deeds on her. The face and noises were similar. Bobbi when done with the early running commentary, drifted to a quick gloss over of training to do this work.

   When Merry early on would suddenly lurch and tense her not inconsiderable female sports honed muscle, Bobbi would calm and coo and soothe her with his voice. Went back to rubbing and worked back into the blows and kneading until she was relaxed under it, then he really went in harder.

   Merry's noises of pleasure were a source of amusement from outside the little back room. The women were obviously well used to hearing such. The occasional giggle filtered back, and even a few seemingly lewd comments, which were clearly complete humor. Once everyone was comfortable with humor firmly established, Bobbi even had a few jokes of his own. Panic had to try to keep a straight face and almost lost the battle a few times.

   Bobbi even dropped his affectations in a few patches, and smiled in a normal fashion. Panic couldn't help but thinking back to the gay guy in Pittsburgh suddenly. He had friends at his club, at work, at school, and everywhere else he went. This guy was probably similar if he dropped the affectations wholesale except for when he was alone with a close friend or lover. Panic couldn't help but give Bobbi a thumbs up at one point. Bobbi nodded his head to say thanks.

   He had a genuine smile that wasn't anything but enjoying his work. He… made women happy. He didn't even want anything back from them sexually in return. Panic realized that this guy, though it was hard to call him that, made better money than Panic ever dreamed of per day working at delivering food. The bill wasn't cheap, and no doubt a good portion of the fee splitting went his way.

   Bobbi offered to crack her back if she liked it, and Merry all but screamed yes, much to the delight of the nail girls who giggled in unison. He sighed, and looked like he was actually concentrating. He gently knelt on her lower back, but with his shin to keep the knee just off of it. Using this as leverage, he pulled her arm out and back, steadily increasing pressure on her shoulder until he heard the crack. Merry gave a more than audible noise to indicate pleasure, and a rapid fire "other one, other one, other one" instruction. He mirrored the position on her other side and cracked it with less of a wood splitting noise. He finished by pulling both shoulders back while using the same leverage technique on her lower back. Sounded like a small deck of cards worked by a slick dealer.

   The only "front" Bobbi needed access to, was her thighs. He had her flip last for that. He could reach her lower legs all around by simply bringing her lower leg up straight. He complimented her several times on her muscle tone at various times. She just moaned out "sports…". Bobbi asked high school or college, he got a "both…" he asked what she did now, and she tried to get out "rack… it… ball… jog… ing…" all while getting hammered rhythmically.

   When it was finally over, Merry barely wanted to stand up. This all went on with just a towel she came out from behind the dressing screen in the corner with wrapped around her, and laid down on the towel face down naked for this man. Wet as well, Panic had heard the tiny shower head for a few seconds while she had been behind the screen undressing and grabbing a big towel.

   Bobbi politely asked Merry at the tops of her thighs, if she was into gluten or non gluten.

   "Bobbi? Might as well pound my ass like the rest of me, big boy."

   Panic buried his face in his palm, while Bobbi gave a genuine smile of amusement and worked her muscular butt a little with thumbs, chops, and not punches but forcing his fists slowly and forcefully around the solid meat of it. Panic could see there was nothing sexual about this procedure, but still, it was obvious a flaming gay man would make a much better living at this. He wouldn't be flirting, the women would be doing nothing but joking with another girlfriend, and the place wouldn't get raided, and no one's husband would come to try to beat him senseless and strangle him with his own work towels.

   When it was all over, and all three of them came out the back, and Merry was once again dressed… the nail girls gave a humorous round of applause. The nail girls were all looking at Merry for silent face questions. "How was it, eh?" Merry rolled her eyes, opened her mouth and hung her tongue out of her mouth. The girls all admitted he was the best they had found yet, and they loved getting a really steep discount as part of the overall arrangement.

   Merry made a show of walking funny over to get her hair done. Panic had to sit with the nail girls and Bobbi with an I and everyone took turns cracking jokes. Everyone found humor in Bobbi offering Panic to come back with his wife anytime, just to watch again, or to try it.

   "I do couples all the time. Oh! God, how that sounds, but, you know what I mean…

   Panic couldn't help but giggle, the gay humor probably entertained all the women and increased his earnings no doubt.

   The hair girl was a quieter sort, but not without a wry grin.

   "Bobbi? They seem to have a sense of humor the whole time… go on, tell them about the orgy at the mansion… I've heard it six times, I still about piss myself every single time… go on…"

   "Oh. Okay. So, there I am. This, is the best part of the city I was in, I swear. Not quite a mansion, but it's close… I was still doing out-calls then. Doing fine, I have my regulars and getting more. I'm lining them up, and the hourly rate is good."

   "So, I'm in this almost a mansion, the wife is home alone, and here I come. The wife wants it on the kitchen table, good lord, how that sounds? Again, you know what I mean. Now, when I say this, everyone knows, I'm just pounding the shit out of this rich wife on her kitchen table, towel laying on the table and her on it. Geez, I need skin to work, you know?"

   "Well, she's moaning to Jesus and whoever else up there, how good it is… I look up, I've got my leg over her back, stretching her shoulder back like a fuck pretzel. I mean, she wants a good crack. There, is this big guy standing there. Mouth hanging open, just gawking at us. I waved, and said hi, I'm Bobbi. With an I. Care to join us? It's by the hour. Grab a towel and hop up, if you want. The more the merrier."

   "The guy is in a real nice suit. Oh good lord, the material? Mmm. Christ, he goes and gets the wrong idea. I know when a queen is about to become an ex-queen, and I'm just running around this huge nice house, here's this goddamn linebacker in a really nice suit, chasing me and he's not slow for such a big guy, you know? And did I mention how nice his suit was? Oh!"

   "I'm now screaming and running, the wife is screaming, and screaming at her husband to stop, it's not what it looks like. Now the wife is chasing the two of us, she's in nothing but a towel hanging down the front of her. Here all three of us go, ring around the rosy all over the downstairs, I'm running for my life."

   "Wife drops the towel to catch up and tackle this big brute, who is in a surprisingly nice suit, did I mention? And they go down. I'm trying to both stay away from him, and get him off his wife, which is really hard to properly explain."

   "This can't get any worse? I hear more screaming! I look up, here's some straight couple, standing there with their mouths hanging open, pointing. Who knows what they figured, and none of it any good. They both come running for the three of us. Next thing you know, we got me, a naked wife, a husband in a very expensive suit, and some straight couple, all five of us, rolling around the floor between the kitchen and dining room. More screams? Fucking daughter came home from school, cute little thing, but she had friends with her, they are screaming, running around, hiding their eyes, taking cellphone pictures… little bastards…"

   "Girl yells some very unsavory things at mom, dad, and me, and the I suppose the straight couple too, all rolling around on the floor. Screaming our heads off. Her school friends run up to her room, and they all lock themselves in there."

   "By the time it's all over, the husband and wife can't get the kids to open the door, they're calling their parents to come and save them. Husband by now is in the know, and comes to get me, to try to help talk the daughter into unlocking the door, and sweetie, will you not call the police or any other parents? Let me just make you a nice cup of tea instead, and I can explain this. Right, like that's going to work."

   "Yeah, last time I did out-calls. God. You work in-calls like here? Much better. Slightly less money in the end? And I don't mean that like it sounds, but there it is… but, more fun and less danger. I mean honestly now, what man would mind me pounding his wife's ass on his own kitchen table, not like I'm any threat. And the women just love it."

   "Moral of the story? You ever walk home and it looks like a full scale Roman orgy? You're being asked to join in, it's free? Stop, take a deep breath, and ask what's going on… it might all have a perfectly good explanation."

   Panic and Merry couldn't stop laughing, and all the girls were giggling as well. Which was saying something, as they even knew the whole story by writ already. Merry got her same hair do done over, Merry told Panic on the way out she had to get her hair done, she just couldn't cut it herself. The treat wasn't to get it done, the treat was to get it done at an upscale location for once, and did Panic now understand the rare treat this was, the nails and the thumping in the back room for a solid hour was just the icing on the cake.

   Panic admitted it wasn't what he thought, and he now knew why Merry had baited him in. Merry amused him on the drive to dinner, which was wherever he wanted, by reading off women's reviews of the place. Most of which concerned things like…

   "Loved the goddamn pounding in the back room from Bobbi with an I, if you can afford this once a week, you're a complete bitch and I hate your guts. I can only afford once a month life is so unfair. Why won't Bobbi with an I marry me? What's one more sexless marriage, its about being best friends anyways."

   "Good lord Panic, these couple I read? It goes on for pages and pages. Bobbi should about own the place in a couple of years."

   "So. Am I supposed to be jealous?"

   "What do you think?"

   "Yes and no…"

   "Yes first…"

   "Jealous yes, because I'm not sure I can make you as happy as Bobbi with an I…"

   "Now second…"

   "Going out on a limb here? But… I'm pretty certain there's a couple things Bobbi will not do for you to make you happy, just saying…"

   "Glad you're not mad, dear."

   "Are all massage therapists for women gay?"

   "If it's not a guy being a pervert, or, a cover for a male prostitute? Yeah, pretty much."

   "Do all the women like this, or, just naughty girls."

   "In the city? If you can afford it… this is a girl's favorite day. What you saw. In case you're wondering? The few times I had the chance, between assignments? I go once, and I'm good."

   "I honestly can't afford you if you need all that… I saw what it cost…"

   "I… think it's honestly been three years since my last. As a waitress? You pray you can live within walking distance of a half decent cut rate hair salon, and you pray a decent girl is working on your days off. I look a little better, right?"

   "Hair is cuter. I guess. I'm no expert."

   "I know, honey. It's a girl thing."

   "Merry? I had to hide my face from laughing at the way you were talking to me, when the girls thought you were talking to them…"

   Merry smiled.

   "Honey? I've never had a home life before. You can't believe how nice it is, to finally have someone to talk about work with a little bit. Uncle Mike is my only outlet for that, and it's short and sporadic, like you just saw today. I can't believe women risk it and throw it away."

   "Are we telling the funny stories to the boys at the campfire?"

   "Oh hell yes. Did I mention Robbie has a gay brother?"

   "What?!?!"

   "Yes."

   "Is he sensitive about it?"

   "No. He'll tell funnier jokes than anyone else. Rob calls it, being a turd burglar."

   "I never heard that one before. Creative."

   "You should hear all his funny stories centered around the subject. You'll piss your pants."

   "Panic, without beating the subject, what do you think our chances are?"

   "Of pulling it all off? In my experience, I'd say a lot better than you think."

   "Why?"

   "Well, try to put yourself in the other side's shoes. How in the hell would you ever plan on it."

   "You… guys pulled crazy shit before?"

   "You have no idea. And yeah, it almost always works. It's an actual tactic, really. We call it being 'audacious' in battle."

   "Are you just trying to make me feel better?"

   "Well I'm not trying to make you feel worse, so yeah, I guess I am… but, I'm not lying to you. They… are making another big mistake, too. A real no no."

   "What's that?"

   "I know the type. Thugs. They always underestimate their opponent. They think it's just a matter of finding Merry. Then? Go get her. Simple as. We just send more guys, done deal. Lightning won't strike twice."

   "You really think so?"

   "Oh. I know so. Like any thug? They're only heroes, when dealing with helpless people. If you really take the fight to them? They shit. If you actually have anything resembling a plan? They shit."

   "This is just a pep talk…"

   "Merry, remember world war two? Do you know why Nazi Germany lost the war?"

   "You'll tell me…"

   "Honestly? They had every single advantage possible. More men. High morale. More equipment. Better equipment. Surprise when they launched. They had it all going for them. You'd wonder how they managed to fuck it up, naturally."

   "How?"

   "They only had one tactic. Blitzkrieg. Means 'lightning war'. You charge in, and smash everything. That was it, that was all they could do. Why? Hitler took control of all military orders, and he was a complete military retard. He had no idea what he was doing. Complete amateur at the wheel of a race car."

   "Is that debatable?"

   "You won't find one credible military historian, anywhere, worth half a limp fuck that won't admit it. He made every single military error possible. Blitzkrieg? Was one of his worst."

   "But, it was effective…"

   "Blitzkrieg is effective against a smaller, weaker, scared force. If you can survive the first couple days? Then start fighting back? With proper military tactics? You're not running scared? Uh oh… look at the record. All little countries, one at a time, and everyone was terrified. Now, when the Americans finally got onto Europe, and, the Russians attacked from the other side… good tactic. Fight on two fronts. Also, England showed the chink in the armor. If you can last the initial blitzkrieg? Hitler had no strategy beyond 'everything at once', which is retarded. Complete amateur."

   "You really think this will be the same?"

   "Oh yeah. Not to be rude, but, cops have this weakness too. Cops? Are similar to thugs in one respect… they're used to always attacking. Cops don't know what to do when they get attacked, with any kind of planned strategy. Not in their experience, nothing in the rule-book. Wanna have fun one day? Get behind a cop car, and I mean any cop car. Follow them. Like they do to us… they won't pull over, they're scared shitless, they call for backup. Monitor the frequency? You can hear them squealing for help in the radio, panicking. Just because some car is following them, and they can't stand it. They're not even being attacked, they're just being followed, like they do to everyone else, all day and night long."

   "You make it sound so…"

   "It is. These guys? I'll bet anything. Get in a group, of whatever size. They'll be armed with handguns, like they're used to. Walk up in a pack, and expect the usual. Everyone either freezes and begs, or, flees. When they get attacked? With a coordinated strategy? My money says they fold like a house of cards."

   They agreed to change the subject the whole rest of the way back home. They did. Merry had him pause on the dirt road, after coming through the boys on "pig watch" who called them in to the others, but before they went towards their destination. Merry put her hand on his arm.

   "What is it, Merry."

   "Nothing bad."

   "Then what…"

   "You didn't have to tell me everything you did. You could have glossed over it, or not even went into it. You wanted to."

   They both looked ahead at trail and woods out the windshield, only the touching of Merry's hand on his arm indicated they were paying attention to each other.

   "Right…"

   "So, why did you?"

   "Didn't you just come out to me? Today? So… I came out to you. It's only fair."

   "Honey? You spent a little time on the Recon team, and a lot of time on the monster team. The good monster team, but still."

   "Yeah. So?"

   "You didn't go through all that effort for nothing. You wanted to do it."

   "Yeah."

   "I don't mean anything by this. I lied to you, because I had to. But I lied to you."

   "Yeah."

   She paused, then spoke softly.

   "You killed people."

   He paused. Spoke even softer.

   "Yeah. You said, you didn't want a monster for a boyfriend."

   "How many."

   "How many what?"

   "You know what I mean. How many people."

   He paused, and spoke even quieter.

   "I didn't kill any people. I only killed monsters and devils. They're not… people. They just look like people."

   "You know how many…"

   "Merry?"

   "Yeah."

   "You played a lot of sports. How many points have you scored, in all those years. What's the final tally."

   "Oh lord. Different sports. Years at each. You lose track…"

   "Well? There you go."

   "Oh."

   "Yeah."

   There was a long pause in the conversation.

   "You… will probably ask one day. So I'll tell you. With my eye on the prize we don't need to have these conversations anymore."

   "Go ahead."

   "There are hunters, and there are butchers. I only hunted monsters. I never once did, nor would I ever agree to do… butcher work. Hunters are… allowed to be proud of their work, if they want to be. It's… honorable. Butchers? Have no honor. Butchers just kill and cut up meat, for money. Because people want it done and they can't stand to do it themselves. I refuse to ever hunt villagers, or do butcher work, for any amount of money."

   "People asked…"

   "Of course. Like any profession, there's only so many people who work in that field. It also pays very well. But I won't do it for money. Ever."

   "Okay."

   "Is there anything else you can think of, that you want from my coming out party? Strike while the iron is hot, I guess."

   "No. I'm good."

   "Okay."

   They still sat there though, the engine idling, no stereo.

   "Are… we going back?"

   "I just realized something. Two things, really. We both missed something about the other, we were both… dense… and it just occurred to me."

   "What's that?"

   "Can we do you first?"

   "Sure."

   "You told me, your earlier assignment? Was to date FBI agents who didn't know you were one. Like, your dirty ex?"

   "Yeah."

   "You grew up with… difficulties… with sex and love. You learned all about… sociopaths over three psych degrees. You had sex with your boyfriends for work. It was an assignment. You were… uniquely qualified for the job."

   Merry's voice got very tiny.

   "Yeah. I'm about to get quite a lecture, ain't I…"

   "No. Did… you at least enjoy your work?"

   "No. It was just a job, and… like you said… I was… 'uniquely qualified' to perform the work. If… you're wondering, and I'm sure you are. I'll tell you the truth. They got three pumps and a dump. Bare minimum to keep them around just long enough to get what I needed out of them. Honestly? I look at it like the vet gives a dog a cookie, so they can draw blood for analysis. Remember… I can't get pregnant, and… I was fed their medical file, so… it was safe all the way around it. It was… just work."

   Now it was Merry's turn to stare at the windshield, like he had earlier. Another pause in talking, except this one was hers, not his, like earlier.

   "So… I'm not just a slut now, I clearly used to be a whore. Great. I was getting used to that walking on air feeling."

   "I'm not mad."

   "Why not?"

   He paused.

   "Killing human beings is a taboo. I used to kill human beings, because someone had to protect the villagers from the monsters. You said you didn't want to date a killer, and I lied and said I wasn't a killer at one time. If you remember that night we first talked about it? I danced around that question."

   "Okay…"

   "You did what you did? Because you were hunting dirty FBI agents. You were hunting monsters. You were able to do it, so, you did it."

   "You're… really not mad?"

   "No. We deserve each other. We're both very different, but, both very much the same. We… both found out we can… do things, and it doesn't bother us like normal people would be bothered by doing it. Also? We both did very wrong things, but, for very right reasons. We both… developed very strong values, to control what we could have easily become. We both wear those values, like garlic around our neck. To keep us from turning into selfish vampires, that would prey on the other villagers. We're… fucking made for each other, honey."

   "Wow."

   "I won't fight unless I have to, and even then I avoid it like the plague. You? Hate dating agents and all forms of cheating. We both shun from things normal people enjoy if they can do it. Because of our checkered pasts."

   "Wow. I… really thought this was going to turn out… bad."

   "I'm not done. You know how it amuses you, how I can be fairly bright all the time, then be so dense once in a while? Forest for the trees?"

   Merry laughed softly.

   "Yeah…"

   "My turn, dense girl."

   "Shoot…"

   "Remember how I didn't realize you had money, even after you told me you weren't really an out of work waitress?"

   "Yeah. That was… really sweet. It was… even more proof, I didn't even need, that you really don't care about money. It's just little green pieces of paper to you. That you can trade for a pretzel when you want one."

   "Dense girl still doesn't get the point."

   "So? You'll tell me…"

   "Several years in the equator… villages that don't understand the concept of money… where do you think it all went?"

   "Oh… you have a nest egg, too."

   "I'm pretty sure, yours is bigger than mine. But… yeah."

   "Wow."

   "You keep saying that…"

   "Yeah. You done showing off?"

   "At what?"

   "I'm supposed to be the expert at staying below radar and hiding. You punched holes in my cover like you were popping a balloon with a pin… I'm the one with three psych degrees, and, here you are, doing science girl level work. Digging shrapnel out I didn't even realize was in old wounds. Uncle Mikey? Said he doesn't know whether he's pissed or impressed at that little part of your performance."

   "You done massaging my ego? Rob taught me to try not to get a big ego. Stay humble… or I lose my edge…"

   "We're still glossing right over your little performance in DC that night. Saving an asset no one even knew was in danger… and don't think Uncle Mike doesn't know about you now that he had to pull your file, to give me the go ahead to come out to you. He doesn't know what your little Speedy case is, but… he knows you found something on your own, then you went and somehow got a state cop to investigate it… now? You two are at the Hoover building… consulting for free… you fuckers have your own pet Senior Agent, and are taking over more and more office space on your floor with that. Whatever it is? It's not parking tickets…"

   "You done rubbing my ego…"

   "Almost. He knows you got IA eating out of your hand, which means you somehow managed to put the better part of the FBI at you and Speedy's disposal, to get information if you need it. He's a little freaked out, but, in a good way. You're like a wizard, or, a puppet master… his exact words were… 'thank god he only uses his power for good', was how he put it."

   "Okay… you can stop rubbing my ego now… just rub my belly and your done. That'll make me kick my leg…"

   Merry smiled, and reached over and rubbed him somewhere near his lap.

   "Is that the spot…"

   "Well, that's the other one. That one? Doesn't make my leg kick… that one…"

   "Yeah… I know what that one does… so… we're okay?"

   He smiled, finally.

   "Better than ever, to tell you the truth, I think."

   "Hmm. I remember you saying, you wanted to get to the bottom of the big nail salon case. You didn't forget, did you? I did promise you… my bottom. Looks like we have time before Skykid starts dinner. You… wanna take my bottom first? Hmm?"

   "I could probably be persuaded…"

   "Well? You put that doohickey over the "D"… and you push the pedal on the right… and…"

   They bounced slowly over the trail, and went back to their little cabin. Bitty Kitty was inordinately happy to see them, then positively gleeful with his new feeders, food, treats, toys, and electric heated bed.