Merry - Chapter 75

   When Merry awoke, Panic was already up. Usually she was up first, if only for a few minutes or even a few seconds. He had coffee going. Like a lot of things, he did coffee his way. Or, as he put it… the way people used to do coffee. For him, that was the right way, the correct way. Expensive or cheap, he wanted real coffee. Not some decaffeinated shit as he always described it. Had his great grandfather enjoyed decaffeinated coffee that dropped warm water thru a machine? No. He had boiled water with real coffee in it, and poured it out of the pot, trying to leave as many of the grounds behind as was possible with an experienced hand performing the task.

   Panic would definitely do instant coffee if that was what was available or convenient at the moment, but, he preferred the real thing. Yet… he wouldn't touch decaffeinated anything. Merry smiled, the man had a coarse and highly colorful way of putting things. Decaffeinated coffee, he claimed, was akin to touching your wiener for absolutely no reason. You weren't taking a piss, and you weren't jacking off. So, there was no point to touching your dick.

   If there was no caffeine? What was the fucking point anyways.

   "How did you beat me up, honey…"

   "Huh? Oh. I'm a boy, and you're a girl, silly. I'm faster and stronger, so, I knocked you the fuck out."

   "What the---"

   Panic smiled at her. Merry had just opened her eyes, and wasn't ready for puzzles such as this. Maybe a minute or two later, but not now. She was still shaking the dream images from her mind and yawning awake. Then it hit her… she had asked how he had beat her up. She smiled. He was always ready with a pun or some other wordplay.

   "You know I meant how are you awake first."

   "I had to make pee pee. The sun's coming up anyways. Bitty did the meatball dance. I'm stiff, so, I wanted a couple ibuprofen. I like coffee in the mornings anyways, and coffee will make the ibuprofen work quicker. Better living, through better chemistry."

   "I usually use acetaminophen…"

   "I like acetaminophen for sharp, stabbing pains. A really bad toothache, or broken ribs. It takes the edge off better, somehow. For dull aches, like soreness? I like ibuprofen."

   "How did you even get up?"

   "Wasn't easy, but… making pee pee really motivated me. Once I got up and took a few steps? It got a little better."

   "Are you going to give me coffee and some pills?"

   "If you can stand up and go pee? Sure. Remember, it's all in the motivation."

   Merry held her hand out so he could help her up.

   "Go out and pee now. When you get back in? You'll get coffee and pills."

   "Hmm."

   Panic had their coffee cups filled with coffee, and had added sugar and milk by the time she staggered back in. She slugged some down to carry the little dark brick red pills into her stomach to do their thing for her. Panic told her to stay up, they had to move around to dispel the stiffness.

   "We both know what needs done, don't we?"

   "Another nap?"

   "No. We need to stretch out. We both used to be athletic, we both know that if we do nothing else, we need to stretch out every morning and every evening."

   "How did you get your pants on. My thighs feel like tree trunks…"

   "I cheated, of course. Sit in the chair, it makes it easier."

   She sat and he brought her jeans over for her. He was right, it was a little easier. Then he held his hand out, she had to stand up again. They had another cup of coffee, then walked outside after helping each other on with their shirts.

   They took their time stretching out. Both made faces and giggled and had to fight laughter. It took longer than usual. They both more or less stretched out the same way, but she had started imitating Panic's end of stretch routine as soon as they started doing it right after they met. He would bring one knee up, and put the opposite elbow against it, and twist his torso until his back went off like a deck of cards. Then he would reverse the procedure, and enjoy the smaller deck of cards snapping and popping.

   "All right. See if we can stand up without help now…"

   They both giggled, but it was a lot more manageable,

   "Honey? Please tell me you don't plan on walking all over creation."

   "Ah. Just down to get breakfast. It's early enough, we'll make it in for hot breakfast, instead of warmed over leftovers. Won't the boys be surprised."

   "To hell with the boys… I'll be surprised if I don't fall asleep in the weeds on the side of the trail before I get there."

   "We're not tired, we're just sore. Let's walk slow, we just have to get the blood moving a little."

   Skykid was surprised to see them so early. He was making omelets for everyone. He rattled off a list of possible omelet ingredients, and they said yes or no for each one. Merry finally piped up.

   "Drop my green peppers, and we'll both be having the same thing."

   Merry stood by him at the big griddle for her breakfast lesson. It reminded her of the big griddle at work. He started with margarine and butter both, and really finely chopped sweet vidalia onion. When they browned, they looked less like onions. He crumbled up some ziggy as it was finishing, and added some crumbled up crisp bacon he had obviously already prepared. A handful of home fries from another pile left warming. Shredded chipped ham left over from the BBQ that had likely been made and canned while they were on the mushroom hunt.

   "The mushrooms go last, Merry. I don't like to cook the life out of them."

   He leaned into her ear to whisper his secret.

   "The crumbled up bacon? Will cover the finely chopped up mushrooms, so I can get the I hate mushroom guys eating them. If I chopped them any finer? It would be mushroom dust."

   Merry laughed. He was devious when cooking.

   "God help me for telling you this, but, you could probably put tree bark into an omelet and it would work. Try anything you feel like. I've put scandalous things into omelets before. If you and Panic like something? That's all that matters. Spinach, parsley, even baby Brussels sprouts a few times. Me and the wife like to try weird stuff. On some basic level? Gourmet starts with just novelty."

   Merry and Panic both had bigger chunks of "real mushrooms" in and on their Swiss, before he went for the final fold over, and plated their breakfast and handed it to them. He had the griddle really hot, and he was working quick.

   "You guys wanna try some of the big mushrooms on the side? They come out okay in all this hot grease and margarine and butter left over after an omelet."

   They did. Panic was using his giant grilled mushroom like it was toast, scooping chunks of omelet onto it, and biting it like an open sandwich. Skykid had her try a grilled mushroom on toast, with butter and Swiss. She liked that better than Panic's version. Instead of coffee, he had them try a half a mug of "mushroom tea". Asked where he got that idea? He simply shrugged and smiled and replied "internet". Skykid claimed, that if you weren't looking for porn, you could find recipes and cooking ideas for any ingredient you didn't know what to do with. They both took a half mug of the mushroom soup he was making for lunch, to go with sandwiches. At least as he put it, for those boys that weren't "mushroom phobic".

   "Why is the mushroom tea and mushroom soup, both half mugs?"

   Skykid smiled.

   "If you go nuts on mushroom overload? You'll get the poops."

   As everyone was waking up, and coming out for coffee and breakfast, the idle gossip was that George was already home, but, was spending the first night and day with the wife and kids up at his house before joining everyone. Merry and Panic shared a big smile back and forth. Panic would get his Speedy back, Merry would get her Mikey back. Skykid idly gossiped as he made everyone's breakfast.

   "Should be fun to have guests for a while, too. Some city cop's coming in with them, and, a couple of FBI agents. I guess it's all people Speedy's working with, would be my guess. Speedy said they're all going to stay a while, and take a break, have some fun. You know any of those other guys, Panic? You were working down there with Speedy for a while before you and Merry came back."

   "I'm guessing, but. One of them might be Junior, I like him. He's into electronics and computers like me. They call him Junior, or JG. The city cop? Pretty sure I know which one that'll be. Then, if he's coming, his butt buddy he works with in the FBI will be with him. Probably the older FBI agent that's been running me and Speedy's case, too. I guess it'll be a working vacation, it sounds like."

   "Ah. Speedy said a little bit of bullshitting about work, but… everyone wants to relax and get away for a week or ten days."

   "Speedy in a good mood when you talked to him?"

   Skykid looked up and thought about it, before answering.

   "Yeah. You know how tired and cranky he's been. He was making jokes and seemed happier than he's been lately. He asked about your shoulder, by the way. I told him you seemed like you were doing good, and mentioned you and Merry took backpacks and went on a two day mushroom hike. You know, meaning your shoulder must be better. He said to make sure I told you he's happy you got better."

   Panic moved one shoulder around, then the other. Shrugged.

   "Yeah, I guess. Feels more or less like the other one now. Christ, ain't nothing on me perfect anymore though, I'll tell you that."

   Everyone was in a good mood, and someone joked about age.

   "Yeah. I always had the idea we were supposed to get better as we get older? I must have remembered that one backwards… man, shit I would have recovered from in two days as a kid? Takes me two weeks now."

   "What about you, Panic. How's getting older treating you?"

   "Well, to be honest. I'm just starting my 40s. I know I'm not young anymore, but, I don't feel old yet. I consider 30s and 40s middle aged. My take on it? I know I'm not a kid anymore. I stay active, and I can do a lot of stuff kids do? But… I know it's not like it used to be, trust me. There is an up side to it all, though…"

   "The hell's the up side of getting older?"

   "Well… I do a lot of stuff that's physical, true. But, I also do a lot of stuff… that's not physical. Writing, making music, programming… stuff like that. The experience at stuff like that? I'm way better at it than when I was younger doing that stuff. I actually enjoy that part of getting older. I'm guessing that as time goes on? I slowly replace more and more physical stuff, with more and more brain stuff. Allows me to enjoy life just as much, but in a different way."

   "Yeah… till you get old enough you can't remember where you put the car keys. Then? You find the car keys, and you can't remember where you parked your car. Then, you figure out where the car is? By that time, you forget where the fuck you were going in the first place. So, you go back in. And realize you forgot to put your pants on, so, better you didn't go out anyways or you'd have accidentally went shopping in your underwear and slippers."

   "Yeah. I'm old enough I realize I'm going to die one day, and I can't do anything about it. I'm more concerned with how I die, than worrying about when. God, I hope I go quick. My other biggest fear? Is going senile. That would take away my brain hobbies that are replacing my physical hobbies. Someone please just put one behind my ear, if you see me going that way. Have pity on me."

   "Hey Panic? The guys said I'm supposed to ask you about your… calendar experiment. What's that?"

   "Oh, the calendar experiment. So, at my old job? Worked with a lot of teenagers and kids just into their 20s. Little pricks. Old man this, old man that. You know how it goes. Anyways. Everyone says… the calendar is kicking our asses, is what's happening. So, I have two calendars at my house. One, is a titty calendar. The other? A kitty calendar."

   "You have a kitty calendar? Ha…"

   "Yeah, I have a cute little kitty calendar. See, the titty calendar? That's kinda gay, I realize how that looks when guys come over the house. So, I got the little kitty calendar up next to it, so you know, I have something more macho to make up for the gay titty calendar."

   Everyone chuckled and he continued.

   "Anyways. My experiment? The calendars both ran out, and I didn't get new ones. I turned the titty calendar, to the hottest chick I liked. I turned the kitty calendar? To the one that looks a lot like one of my favorite cats that died a ways back. Left the calendars and never changed them again. This went on a couple years. People asked me why I had old calendars up, and on the wrong months, when they came over. I told them… experimenting. Since the calendar was kicking my ass? I quit turning the calendars and buying new calendars. You know, to see if I could freeze time like that. Like a… Einstein time relativity experiment, or some shit."

   "How's that working out for you?"

   "Ain't working at all… but I fucking tried."

   Everyone chuckled.

   "Any more time experiments you wanna try?"

   "Merry? I have another theory. I wanna experiment with it…"

   "Hmm. This ought to be a good one. What's the experiment…"

   "If your girl wears her hair right? You don't age at all."

   "Uh, how do I have to wear my hair to try this?"

   "What's it called… when the girl wears… you know… a ponytail on both sides of her head? Parted down the middle?"

   Merry smiled.

   "Pigtails, dear. You want me to wear pigtails for you?"

   "Yeah. Worth a shot. I wanna see if it makes time stand still."

   The guys laughed, and naturally a catcall came up out of the good nature cacophony.

   "That doesn't freeze time, you asshole… that just makes you feel younger."

   "But you'll pay for it, the next morning! No free lunch…"

   The boys all clapped when Merry smiled and agreed that indeed, she would, give him pigtails if he reminded her. Then when the jokes had passed, she added in his ear just for him.

   "Do you think white stockings would go with the pigtails?"

   Panic smiled and nodded his head vigorously yes.