Merry - Chapter 81

   It was a rush to get to see the cameras and the related equipment. Compared to a normal four or eight cam DVD recorded system, it was vastly more complex. It seemed like a nightmare to manage and navigate on the laptop, but once explained and with a very short learning curve, it became easy. JG's laptop was monitoring 16 cameras, and this allowed Panic and Junior to walk around the trees in the area they placed them temporarily. JG explained the traps.

   "Basically, it's just like the old things where you break the light beam hitting the sensor and the bell rings to announce you. Instead of ringing a bell, it triggers the next camera, which triggers the next camera, and so on. It's infrared, though."

   "There's infrared, and there's infrared. What kind is this?"

   JG smiled.

   "That's what I enjoy about you. You? Are a discerning customer. We all know the 800-830 nano-meter infrared? Why even bother, with that dull red glow. This is all 950. The cameras, the traps, everything. Invisible to the naked eye."

   "As long as they don't have night vision."

   "Well, naturally. But…"

   "But what?"

   "I'm trying to imagine, the dark haired, foreign looking girls, in the bars… trying to get guys to follow them to the middle of nowhere… wearing tactical night vision goggles…"

   They laughed…

   "I mean, me or you? Might go for it, a high tech hookup… but… funny as that sounds, they would stick out like a sore thumb walking around. These people wanna blend in. I mean, that's what we brainstormed on it. You agree?"

   "Yeah. Not like there's a lot of options for getting usable footage in the middle of the night anyways. No way around the IR illumination."

   When they had them resting up against the correct trees, and the traps aligned and located, they tested it by taking turns walking thru the area while the other monitored or went back and looked at the saved footage. Panic was in heaven.

   "How much footage can a hard drive hold? You said it's really high resolution coming in."

   "Only an issue now where I'm saving to a laptop hard drive. These puppies will automatically IP themselves and record onto a dedicated server back at home base. The computer guys whipped up a small server just for the job. They got more equipment laying around than they know what to do with. Wimpy by the network and internet needs, way more than needed for this. They formatted a bank of old hard drives that got replaced but work fine. You know how it is, every couple years hard drives get bigger, shit gets faster. The older server equipment was just collecting dust."

   "I'm impressed, JG. I really am."

   "Ah. That's what I do. Kinda fun to do something different with AV for a change. Interstate homicide is constantly getting camera coverage, but… we never did anything like this I'm aware of. It's based on the layout of a security camera system for a large automated plant with very few people. But, IP cameras can be as far apart as you want, so…"

   "What about the complicated multiplexer system?"

   "No use reinventing the wheel. We just copied the plant system I mentioned. Data guys added this part where you go back and forth. It's geared towards monitoring and saving, not so much for watching live, but… with this part added… it works. Once you get used to it."

   "How noticeable are the cameras, you know, when they're mounted…"

   "Well, you see the fake ivy and moss. We tested it in the courtyard when we got bored playing in the hallways. We think it's pretty camouflaged. So? Let's string some up and down the main path. Be fun to test it, monitoring people driving and walking back and forth for the next week we're here. See if anyone notices a camera."

   They spent a couple hours slowly mounting the cameras and trying to keep it under wraps. JG stuck the dedicated laptop being used to monitor and save the footage back at the bunkhouse where he was staying. JG showed him where you had to put the MAC addresses of the cameras into the software. Each camera had a slot number based from this list, and you could add a nickname to the camera as well. You could pick where to save as well. He had an extra camera back at the bunkhouse, and he plugged it into the laptop so Panic could appreciate setting the camera's features, particularly what IP address to save to. Panic liked it.

   "Oh, nice. I was wondering how you switched from laptop saving mode, to the server back home. This is neat. How secure is all this shit?"

   "By secure, you mean…"

   "Protected, encrypted, what?"

   "Do you know what the… um… dark web is?"

   Panic laughed.

   "Yeah…"

   "Okay, so humor me. What is it?"

   "Hm. To prove I know what it is? I'll say this… I know what the dark web isn't…"

   "Fair enough. So… we both know, there's millions of baby monitors and traffic cams and industrial sensors… all programmed to feed over internet. Honestly, if none of my techs tries to get a ranking on search engines? Technically, we're just another feed in the dark web. Then, if anyone found a feed by accident? They're just looking at remote railroad tracks. They'll figure it's the train people watching their train system. We call it… crowd security."

   "Nice euphemism."

   "Well. Think about it this way. One man, walking alone. You can notice him. Now, put the same man in a big crowd? He's basically invisible, even though he's in plain sight."

   "I like your logic."

   "Yeah… it's okay. Hey… Panic…"

   "Junior…"

   "I've been wanting to ask you something, for a while now. Never found the right way to do it."

   Panic smiled.

   "No. Me and Rob. Despite all the jokes we entertain everyone with? We're not fucking."

   JG chuckled.

   "No, it's… part of it? Your sense of humor. But… every once in a while, some of the jokes you make? Not everyone gets it. I get most of them."

   "Yeah. Right."

   "Naturally."

   Panic eyed him, giving him his patented half smirk.

   "What are you on, Junior?"

   JG grinned. Pulled his Glock out and held it out but in a direction away from the person he was talking with. Posed. Made a face.

   "The autism spectrum, jackass!"

   "Not bad, not bad. What do you think about Senior? I mean, really."

   "Eh. For a boomer, he's okay."

   "You know, we can't really be friends, JG…"

   "Why…"

   "Because this conversation is glowing…"

   "Aw, come on, little discord buddy… do me a favor and go shoot up your school, okay?"

   Panic couldn't help but start laughing.

   "Whatcha doing, Rabbi?"

   In the course of them both laughing, JG grinned as evil as he could, and rubbed his hands together.

   "I'm a happy merchant!"

   "Wow. You're a new-fag phone-fag. And a glow-nigger to boot. You probably don't even know what Khazar milkers are…"

   JG held his hands out, making grabbing motions, with a drunk or hypnotized face on…

   "Mommy…"

   "You're still a fucking glow-nigger."

   "At least I'm not a potato-nigger."

   "Still think you're just a new-fag, who learned not to stick a fork in the electrical outlet. I bet your idea of shit-posting, is just Canadian pasta."

   "Nigger please. I'll have you know, that on a good night? I can keep up with the Australians."

   "That? Is a ballsy boast…"

   "It is. I said on a good night, not every night."

   "Now. On a serious note?"

   "Yeah?"

   "Since we mentioned Australia? Might as well mention New Zealand."

   "Oh. That."

   "Your thoughts?"

   "Professionally or personally? Either one, off the record only."

   "Both."

   "Professionally? What… a… senseless… tragedy… we… must… prevent… this… in… the… future… beep bop boop…"

   "Hmm. Personally?"

   "Off the record? Is it still terrorism, when you're attacking terrorists."

   "All right. Maybe… you're okay. For a glow-nigger, that is. How far back you go? I mean, how long you been a pole ack.

   "Well. You have to be 18 or older to enter the site, kiddo."

   Panic laughed.

   "You clicked yes. I don't know how you bypassed that level of security, at that tender age. Let me guess… it warped your fragile little mind."

   "Aw. We were teenagers. And I might be a pole ack now? We were Bee tards back then."

   "Good answer."

   "Yeah. Originally? Boys dared each other to watch gore videos. Next thing you know…"

   "You're here forever."

   JG chuckled.

   "Yeah. After gore wears off. Hey, we get the best funny memes, like, six months before it hits the social media sites. So, you check in and watch things. I remember chanology. The hacker warz. Then? What self respecting gamer kid doesn't wanna play copied DVD games in his console, so… over to that part, to learn what fucking wire to cut and what fucking resistor to put into your console, without bricking the motherfucker."

   "Ah. That's the beginnings of you becoming an AV god."

   "Yeah. Here's a good one. You know how you can buy a two dollar camera board online, and it's as good or better, than the 40 dollar camera in the stores, right?"

   "Naturally."

   "Right. Now, I had already learned to solder my console and not brick it. I was fooling around with cheap board cameras online… and I noticed something…"

   "What?"

   "Every one of them, they all have MIC solder pads, printed right on the board. I just had to solder a tiny condenser mic, and boom, I had audio and video wired up."

   "Hmm. What was your best operation…"

   "Okay. So, I'm bugging my parents, my buddies talking shit when I leave the room. You know, for fun."

   "All right…"

   "So, my one buddy. I was a gamer kid. We'd all hang out in his room, play our copied DVD console games. He had an older brother. Who would have the older kids over for drinking beer. His parents both worked a lot."

   "The plot thickens."

   "It does. Now, I wanted to be… the terror that flaps in the night, if you know that one."

   "Ah! That's one of the best green text stories…"

   "Yeah. Anyways. His one older friend. He's, like, giga-chad and shit. He'd always be coming up to my buddy's room, and kick us out, so he could ball his thot cheerleader girlfriend."

   "What was wrong with his older brother's room? It's his friend…"

   "Well, his brother was using his own room, so… Chad Thundercock throws us out of my buddy's own room. We're getting pissed."

   "Oh fuck."

   "Yeah. This was every Saturday night. Like clockwork. I started recording them fucking. Now, with audio, too."

   "Good shit."

   "Started keeping track. My buddies? Were bugging me, burn a DVD already, we can pass it around. Me? I'm like no, fuck you, I wanna be the terror that flaps in the night, not the barely scary thing that sort of flaps in the night. Told them, I'm waiting for a good one. Patience, grasshopper."

   "Sweet Christ…"

   "Yeah. Took a couple weeks? Finally got one I declared worthy of the terror that flaps."

   "What?"

   "Got him, dead to rights, with audio and video… asking, and getting… a finger in the ass blowjob."

   Panic about hurt his internal organs laughing.

   "Not done. We were copying games for the console. I burned a DVD of it."

   Panic now could barely stand up…

   "We all put our money together. Burned a fucking thick stack of CDs, made sure they played in regular DVD players. CDs were a lot cheaper back then."

   "Oh god…"

   "Not done yet. We passed out copies to everyone at school. Waited for it to get around… and him to hear about it…"

   "Oh shit…"

   "Finally? We were going broke burning CDs, so… uploaded it to the most popular file sharing site, all us teenagers were downloading music on. We labeled the file… ChadLosesRearCherry… MP4, if it matters. Everybody, is downloading it, and watching it, and sharing it. Kids are printing out paused video stills, and taping it up in the bathrooms."

   "My buddy? Knew how to make a GIF file out of a couple seconds of it, with audio."

   "Oh god… what was the GIF you passed around…"

   "It was perfect. He's standing there, you can see them both perfect. You can see her hand going up and down, clearly a finger up his ass, during his hummer. The audio on that clip? Him… asking… you sure this doesn't make me gay? Now remember, a GIF repeats automatically… its him asking, with a finger up his ass… you sure this doesn't make me gay… you sure this doesn't make me gay… you sure this doesn't make me gay…

   "You flapped."

   "I flapped. Every kid from 10 to 18? Downloaded a funny GIF for their phone… Chad ended up in therapy, teachers are stealing phones and searching them, parents are freaking the fuck out… it was awesome. The thot cheerleader? Got kicked off the cheer-leading squad, and everyone knew why. Everyone was sticking their finger up in the air, laughing, every time the cheerleaders came out during football games. See, the cheerleaders had this one little dance they did, where they all stuck their finger up in the air… we thought it was hysterical…"

   JG couldn't help doing the best imitation he could, of a girl cheering, who suddenly jumped into a pose with her finger out to say "no"…

   "Your older brother, he smack you around?"

   "Eh. Turned out in the end, no one really liked Giga-chad that much, and everyone thought it was funny. He didn't come around after that, and… they would play the CD in the DVD player at beer parties when his parents were working their 4 to 12 shifts on Saturdays…"

   "And everyone fucked their thots in his brother's room, they were scared to use your buddy's room, you guys could play games without being bothered."

   "Everyone but his brother? Was scared to take a piss in the house, let alone fuck. They went outside after that, even in winter."

   "I can't believe it, but, this obviously led to your career in law enforcement, for Christ's Sake."

   "Sort of. I bread-boarded a few easy circuits. Got interested. Had good grades. Decided to go to college for Electrical Engineering. Wait for it… minor in… Audio and Video Production."

   "That's rich. You got recruited out of college."

   "Yes? And no. I got recruited… but… just to be a Tech. Since I already worked there, and I had grades in college? It was a hell of a lot easier to get into the academy, and more importantly, I already knew what to expect before I got there."

   "I'm impressed, JG."

   "Because I'm the terror that flaps in the night? Or, because I passed the academy."

   "You? Are, like… the second agent I met yet, that wasn't a goddamned Chad football star."

   They laughed together on that count.

   JG imitated a football college jock agent…

   "Me not just lift weights, me have 3.1 GPA…"

   Panic laughed… then JG finished…

   "Yeah? A 3.1 in Basket Weaving. Honestly, where else but the FBI does a four year degree in Human Relations, get you a fucking real job? Get the fuck out of here, with that gay ass shit… some of these guys are so bad, they can barely send an email, I swear."

   "Senior?"

   "Wasn't kidding, when I said he's not that bad, for a boomer. He's not one of the ones that manages to erase his own hard drive on his laptop, on accident."

   "No…"

   "Oh yeah. It's happened. It was a thing at work? We all got a fucking lecture for that one, believe me. See… before I was an agent? Me and the techs, we thought it was funny, but… someone started the rumor if you played around with partitioning software? You would learn to be a whiz with laptops, and impress everybody…"

   "No…"

   "Oh yeah. Football player frat Chads? Partitioning software? The two, do not go together very well."

   "Let me guess. You… were just being the terror that flaps in the night."

   "Eh. Something like that. All right, anything you wanna know?"

   "About what?"

   "We'll do it the funny way. Hey, anons. I'm a real, honest to goodness glow-nigger. Ask Me Anything."

   "AMA time?"

   "Why not…"

   "Okay. True or false… Feds Are Grooming Shooters."

   "No. No one can get a handle on that shit. Its semi officially blamed on copycat crimes, and… well… too many psych pills without enough medical oversight. Being honest."

   "Hmm. Is there really a glow-nigger group on the Korean Knitting site?"

   "Not really. Not any more."

   "That's a yes…"

   "You gotta remember. We had a democrat appointee director, for forever. He was, if you can imagine… loyal to the cause."

   "Okay…"

   "You remember the election… the great meme war…"

   "Fun days."

   "Right. That… was the normies discovering that this little, seemingly insignificant Mongolian Masturbation image board? Is even there. So… one fucking shooter was discovered to have once posted a meme there a year prior to getting off his meds, and…"

   Panic did the old clueless voice…

   "Men? We need to get a handle on this thing. I want a team to monitor this dangerous alt right crowd. Before we lose another president, by jiminy."

   "About that, yeah. Here's where it goes funny. You can't make this shit up. Anyone under 30 coming out the academy, that's ever used social media three times in their life… assigned to the monitoring program. Designed, to detect home grown terrorism and revolution before it happens… ooh, scary."

   "Fucking bed-wetters, I swear."

   "Yeah. Now… picture it. I just got out the academy. I find out, I'm going to get paid 65k a year, to spend 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week… reading funny memes on everyone's favorite French Flower site. We're given a class. On how to appear to be dangerous, and attract potentially dangerous anonymous posters."

   "Oh sweet Jesus…"

   "Yes. Post a swastika, so you can fit in with the dangerous element. Pretend to hate the government, so you can start a conversation and see if anyone drops any concrete plans."

   Panic was laughing too hard to talk…

   "This went on for… Christ… a year and a half. You know what happened, in the end?"

   "Afraid to ask. No one foiled any big terrorism plans or anything?"

   "Not a single one. Every one of us? Is collecting funny memes, and sharing them. Those of us that don't already enjoy shit-posting? Got a crash course in it. Agents? Are all but living in the computer rooms, living on two liters and cold pizza delivery. Me and my tech buddies? Are laughing, I'm going down at night for LAN gaming parties we hold after hours."

   "Oh god. My tax dollars hard at work…"

   "For sure. At least? It wasn't champagne and hookers, for once though. That's something. So… that's when it starts to get good…"

   "What?"

   "One young agent? Started to think, maybe the moon landing was fake. Another one? Started talking all about how 911 might have really been an inside job. We had a young, female, black agent? Going around bitching about the immigration problem to anyone that would listen. We had what started out… borderline feminists coming out of college? Offended right off the bat, then… they started bitching about the shit women were doing on the internet, how it was ruining the real feminist movement, for women that were capable."

   "Oh my god…"

   "Then, the language starts to get around the building. Hey Anon… pass me the salt… and by the way, Anon, do you want to know how to make a pipe bomb? Have you seen the ketchup…"

   "Holy shit."

   "It was funny. To us, not to the older boomer brass, believe you me… practically any young agent that came out of that assignment? Started saying 'okay, boomer…' to senior agents at their next post. Didn't go over well. We all bought Pepe T shirts, for, well why the hell not. We had young black agents, calling white guys glow-niggers, and everyone's laughing and not offended after two weeks at this post. We got Mexican blooded agents, playing the shoot the illegal immigrants crossing the border funny flash browser game, we had an openly gay agent got the high score on the hunt the homo flash game."

   "Hitler's turning over in his grave…"

   "You'd think, the brass would have pulled the plug right around now…"

   "You'd think."

   "No. Director doubles down. Hum hum hum… what we need to do? Is get those… special email addresses of the people starting this shit. Which of course he means, track the IP addresses."

   "Did you assholes SWAT 10 year old's?"

   "No. We finally, by working with the site itself, true rumor there, by the way… we managed to track down a good number of IP addresses, to real life posters."

   "Anything even remotely good?"

   "No. Funny thing was, though…"

   "What…"

   "Well. You know how it is. Someone posts up. Hey, let's get a nigger hate thread going…"

   "Edgy humor, sure."

   "We traced a bunch of them, one week… to… get this… a very prominent black advocacy group. Guess which one?"

   "No way…"

   "Yeah. See, what they would do, is post hey, let's get a nigger hate thread going… people post funny shit, it's all anonymous… they sit back, screenshot it all… then? They use it to write their next article on how dangerous the white people in America are."

   "Yeah. Posting and typing, from home, anonymously. Not out lynching black people, not out burning down black churches. Go figure."

   "Then, the best one…"

   "What…"

   "Whatcha doing, Rabbi?"

   "No way…"

   "Again, a very, very prominent save the Jews from anuddah shoah organization… busted doing the same thing. These journalists? Aren't doing anything, except posting screen-caps. Now, get this. Most of them, to make it look better? Had people in their own office, same IP address… making the worst posts. You know, to make it look even better than it was in real life."

   "So then they shut it down."

   "No. A report was commissioned. Percentage of shooters and domestic terrorists that were on that and similar websites."

   "Oh. Numbers. What a novel idea."

   "Yeah. Numbers don't lie. We tied more real life violent acts, to normal social media use, than we could to everyone's favorite Chinese Chicken site."

   "Then the brass shut it down…"

   "No. Then the… remember the Antifa violence? There were videos of it all over…"

   "Oh yeah."

   "We all got together and wrote a paper, we needed to investigate that instead. Liberal left wingers? Are openly making specific threats on normal social media. These are not anonymous edgy jokes. These? Are real people, making open, specific threats. Then? We have videos of them doing it, in real life."

   "That go anywhere?"

   "No. Remember, the democratically appointed director, and he was loyal to the cause?"

   "Okay…"

   "We weren't supposed to try to 'pin crimes' on people demonstrating and persecute them for their politics. We were supposed to monitor the dangerous terrorists, the alt right… AKA anyone that voted conservative."

   "Liberal Antifa members. Posting beforehand, on public media, under their own names… that they want to hit people in the head by throwing bricks at public gatherings. Followed up by videos of them, doing it. That's not a crime worthy of following up on?"

   "No."

   "People sitting at home, typing and posting funny pictures. That, is dangerous for the country?"

   "Yep."

   "My tax dollars, working harder than I do."

   "The project got shut down soon after that. It shifted over, to urging all agents, to spend some free time on the site, in case they saw something dangerous and thought they could prevent it."

   "Christ…"

   "Yep. The techs? Put an 'instant access' button on everyone's computer, that went right to the site."

   "No."

   "Then? Someone looked at the IP logs… and figured out that people were spending more time looking at funny memes, when they should have been writing reports… and that got canceled."

   "True story?"

   "True story. Off the record. We finally got another director when that one left… democrat appointed, but, slightly less loyal to the cause. He doesn't go on the witch hunts for 10 year old's saying the N word, he just refuses to prosecute any democratic politicians like a good boy. We live with it."

   "How is it in the end?"

   "In the end? That former director, probably did more to hurt his own blue cause, than help it. We have black agents working interstate homicide? Who will openly bitch about the FBI crime statistics."

   "Oh. Statistics are ray-cist…"

   "Nope. They're bitching, at what morons in the hood are doing to make them look bad."

   "Pure pottery."

   "Hey. You click on this site, be warned… you're here for life."

   "Okay. In the end? You said… every agent that was supposed to be monitoring the site, they all one by one picked up their own, dear to them, conspiracy theory they started to question."

   "Oh yeah…"

   "What's the most popular one?"

   "Can I respond with no comment…"

   "I was hoping for another off the record."

   "I can't say. Even off the record. But? You know those memes? The ones that… show the… ethnicity of every single person, from journalist to editor at the big newspapers?"

   "Oh…"

   "Yeah. Other ones, do the same thing… for liberal journalists. For cable TV networks…"

   "Holy shit. So… that's the most popular conspiracy theory everyone takes away?"

   "No. I didn't say that."

   "Of course not. Didn't anyone ever go and check? Make sure those things weren't all lies, or, exaggerated numbers?"

   JG sighed.

   "It's been done. I know you mean, the ethnicity list memes. Yeah, it's been fact checked. Another operation shut down. The brass thought for sure, that was made up."

   "Holy shit."

   "Can we get off this subject? It makes me… itchy. Ask something else."

   "Okay… if we're still on… AMA rules… what's the silliest case you've ever been assigned to."

   "Hmm. You gotta understand, if enough people scream their heads off? We gotta send someone there to… investigate it, even if it's silly. Junior agents are a popular choice for these prize cases."

   "Naturally."

   "Hard to pick one, but… I was sent to New York, to investigate the infamous swastikas appearing in the playgrounds of the upper class new York private grade-school."

   "Ooh. Sexy."

   "Very. So, some teacher notices swastikas appearing on the walls of the school, the playground cement… like that. She freaks, the Nazi's are targeting her very rich, very upper class grade-school, right?"

   "Okay."

   "She shows the principal. Next thing you know, the local police can't solve this case, the newspapers start writing all these stories, all showing the same thing… chalk swastikas appearing like crop circles. Enough media attention leads to all these prominent bed-wetters to call the FBI, all screaming their heads off for help. Off gets sent one junior agent. Who… is supposed to have insight on racists now. From shit-posting, I guess."

   "Guess who."

   "Guess who. I get there. What can I even fucking do, you know? I take pictures of the fucking swastikas, and I'm gonna drive home. I can't say anything, but, the fuck you want me to even do? I can't open my mouth, and explain a real crime hasn't been committed, and that even if I catch someone red handed, chalk in grubby little paw? I can't even charge them… the local police can maybe charge them with a graffiti fine."

   "That's fair."

   "I mean, we're the FBI. I got no body. I got no threats, and that's by email, by mail, by phone… nothing. I'm calling home base, what the fuck do you even expect me to do up here? Mind you, I'm put up in a half decent hotel. I'm getting interviewed by journalists. I'm him hawing. We take this very seriously. The FBI will not tolerate this sort of behavior. I'm starting to run out of bullshit, and they're telling me to stay here, and stay on this, because it's all over the media and people are screaming for heads."

   "Grade-school, not a middle school."

   "Grade-school. Kindergarten, through fourth grade. Lotta rich little Jewish kids, basically. I mean, it's Jew York. The community is wetting their panties. You know how people get when they see shit on the news."

   "Yeah."

   "I finally develop my tactic. I announce that I'm leaving. But, I don't leave. I stake the place out with binoculars and a video recorder. Finally? I get somewhere…"

   "Ooh. Video of a Klan rally?"

   "I wish. That? Would make my career. No… I know there's none in the playground, I verified that at 5am. That morning. Now? There's one there. Hey, I got videotape surveillance. I'm watching… I'm watching… nothing. I waste three days, studying and stopping this tape. I mean, I'm looking for… fucking Nazi ninjas or some shit, right? Man, I can't find shit. Little kids come out for playtime, and some lady teacher comes out to herd the kids back into class after lunch hour playtime is over. Nothing."

   "So… what do you do?"

   "Fuck it. I get a goddamn tarp. I found a spot in the goddamn bushes. I gotta try. I'm under a tarp in the fucking bushes, from before first light? Till after lunchtime. Know what I found out?"

   "Evil Nazi ninjas were crawling up out of the manhole cover on school grounds?"

   "I wish. All I see is little kids playing jump-rope and hopscotch. Sweet little things. But… the little kids? Have chalk available to them. They amuse themselves drawing stick figures on the playground cement. They're toddlers, you know."

   "Now, they're suspects."

   "Uh… yeah. I call home, I'm told to stay on this important case. Important people are waiting on this. Fuck me and my career, but what the hell, life of a junior agent. You're sure to get the shit assignments. So, it rains about 4 in the morning two nights later."

   "Nazi ninjas come in the rain?"

   "Nope. But, the rain washes away, the little kid's squares they make for hopscotch, I guess. Little kids go run and get the teacher. Here comes the teacher. She has a square cardboard box. She puts it down. Traces out a square. Does it again and again to make the hopscotch squares for the toddlers."

   "In chalk."

   "In chalk. Then? teacher wanders around, watching the kids. Bending over, picking shit up the kids throw down, candy wrappers and shit, into her box and goes back inside. Again? Nothing to see here. Now, this is springtime, it rains every 2 or 3 days. I get the keys to go into the school overnight, and make sure everything is safe. I'm FBI, they do it. Without telling anyone? I mount a battery powered video camera, hanging out of a window, and I make sure you can't see it if you even know it's there. This takes me 3 hours, and I almost fall to my death once."

   "Junior agents are very brave, on these dangerous assignments."

   "They are. They're also very bored. Anyways, now I'm set. I got the bird's eye view of the playground, night and day, ain't nothing getting by me this time. I can go in at night, get my SD card and swap it out. School don't even know I made a copy of the key. School don't even know this camera is even there. Rains again. I can't wait. That day? Same shit. Kids… teacher… cardboard box, makes hopscotch squares… walks around picking up candy wrappers."

   "Nothing."

   "Oh yeah. When the teacher is walking around, bending over picking up candy wrappers? I got her on camera looking all around, making sure no one sees… then she hurries up and makes a little chalk swastika a few times. Thinks no one sees. Then? She walks back inside the school. I got her ass doing it."

   "So, you arrest her."

   "No. What I have is a suspect. I call back, and say I have a suspect, I think it might be a school worker doing it, can I have phone records? Naturally, I get it. I look up all her calls, and see calls to this one number a lot. That number? Traces to a newspaper writer, and it's her cousin. Same newspaper writer? Is the one broke the story, and keeps getting articles published. We need to get to the bottom of this, what are we teaching our children, you know the story."

   "Now you make two arrests."

   "No. Now I have two suspects. Now? I get text messages. Now I can read, texts back and forth, between these two. Planning it, doing it, and the news lady texting back telling her to do another one, she keeps getting stories. Also turns out? The principal is banging the same teacher. Principal is married, but, not happily and not to her. They share texts about it too. Somehow? The publicity? Is good for the school's image."

   "How is having Nazi's defacing your school, good for publicity?"

   "Principal keeps getting on TV and newspapers and by now magazines. He won't tolerate hate, he's standing up for the community, he has to make sure these children are taught that hate is wrong, dag nab it. Blah blah blah."

   "So now you arrest all three."

   "No. Now I report my success? And ask for permission to arrest and either me or someone else, make a public statement how it was all a hoax, nothing to see here. And if you do this, you'll get arrested too."

   "I could see that."

   "You could see it, but… you won't see it."

   "Only arrest the teacher?"

   "Make no arrests, make no statements, report back in person immediately."

   "What happened then?"

   "Nothing. See, everyone was itching to get some… I don't know… guy with a swastika tattooed on his forehead, I guess, doing it. When I got proof the teacher, the principal and the newspaper writer were all in on it? It was just dropped. Immediately. I was told it wouldn't be worth it, the PR would be damaging to us, and maybe she would get a fine and even it'll be dropped anyways."

   "What happened to the hate crime?"

   "Not a hate crime, unless a white person is caught doing it. No minority can be successfully charged with a hate crime. Don't you know anything. Only a racist can be charged with a hate crime, and only white people can be racist."

   "This was New York…"

   "Yes."

   "Rich section? Private rich grade-school."

   "Yes."

   "Would… that make… the journalist, the teacher, and the principal…"

   "Yeah. Someone called someone, and told them to knock it off, I'm sure… but… we dropped it immediately. This goes on, year after year, case after case. You'd be surprised. We don't have the manpower to get to the bottom of who's bringing in all the heroin laced with Fentanyl to the middle schools? But… we got manpower for this."

   "Naturally."

   "Best part?"

   "Yeah…"

   "Newspaper writer? Still puts out the occasional article, about how the world abandoned them in their time of need, and refused to vigorously investigate the shameless persecution of their peaceful little community. Pictures of the playground swastikas? Still get used on other articles. Stock photos, now."

   "Because you won't prosecute, they use it for continuous PR. Typical."

   "Things like this going on all the time? Trust me, have nothing to do, with agents having a screw go loose, and go believing any wild conspiracy theories about any of that shit."

   "Oh. I'm certain."

   "Me too. I wanna make it to retirement. Get Senior drunk? It ain't hard… then ask him about the big case he worked. The one where someone was burning down all the black churches down south."

   "I remember that one! That was big news! He make any arrests?"

   "We can't arrest mice, Panic. I mean, we can, but, they slip right through the little bars and go free. Senior was on the team, that cracked that big case, though."

   "So, they made arrests…"

   "Said the team cracked the case. Didn't say they made any arrests."

   "Explain that one… blacks were burning down their own churches? To get new ones built on sympathy tax money?"

   "Nope. Black community was scared shitless. In fear for their lives down south."

   "I gotta hear this one…"

   "Nothing to hear. You see, every year? A gazillion structures burn down, all across America. If we could put a stop to it? We wouldn't need fire departments."

   "Okay…"

   "Like I said. Every year, a certain number of structures burn down. Sometimes, it's a house. Sometimes, it's a business. Sometimes? It's even a church."

   "But… several black churches down south were being burned down every year…"

   "No. They were burning down, but, they weren't being burned down. If you only notice and report, when a black church, in black communities down south go up in flames from old faulty wiring in an old wooden building? Bang. Instant crisis. And, the best part? You start keeping track, and the numbers slowly grow over time… eerie…"

   "But, how do you prove it isn't happening. You can't disprove a negative."

   "What you can do? Is go back and look at the records. See how many churches of all kinds caught fire, in that same time period. Turns out? Nobody bothered to look, and no one was keeping track. They were only reporting, and keeping score? Anytime it happened to be a black church, below the Mason Dixon line and to the east of Texas."

   "Yeah… that story was big news, for several years… then? It did just disappears overnight."

   "Same deal. You want us to arrest mice? They don't know when they're chewing black wires, or white wires."

   "Isn't it a hate crime, if it's white mice?"

   "And if it's black mice? Man, that's racist. Black mice matter!"

   "How much money is wasted every year investigating shit like this?"

   "I don't know. Not my department, to be honest. I'd be scared to find out, to tell the truth about it. I swear, if more than three newspapers run a bullshit story, and the media picks it up and it goes viral? Everyone comes screaming, and we have to form a task force to get to the bottom of it."

   "Someone should write a big story, and list all this shit."

   "I heard it's been done, but, no one will run the story. Doesn't sell papers, doesn't sell advertising time on TV. And as we all know, what ends up in the papers or on TV? It's happening. What doesn't hit the papers or TV? Hey… it never happened."

   "I forgot. If it bleeds, it leads."

   "Oh, that's the old one. You don't know the new one? Media people invented it themselves, just like the bleed lead joke."

   "Afraid to ask."

   "But, investigators are brave that way. The new one is… if it scares you? It wears you."

   "Not sure I get it."

   "Well, two parts. One is, you wear your shirt, and you take the shirt around… this is the shirt wearing you. Meaning, you get scared? You lose control of your actions… you get led around by the fear. It wears you, you don't wear it. You read the scary headlines. Then? The article tells you what needs done.`"

   "Weird, but okay. What's number two?"

   "Oh. It wears you out. If you get scared a couple times? It wears you down, and you just believe it every time you're told."

   "People have been falling for it, and never quit falling for it. It must be human nature."

   "Too true."

   "Fortunately for America, no one group would ever use that technique over and over to do anything they wanted, in some over arching coherent strategy, such a thing would be a conspiracy."

   "Perish the thought. Hey, little discord buddy, wanna go shoot up a school? It'll fix everything!"

   "Maybe next time."

   "Shit. I ain't never gonna get promoted to senior agent? If I don't learn how the damn Feds Are Grooming Shooters. I gotta do this better, or my career is over."

   "Funny."

   "More tragic than funny. Like I said. I like your sense of humor."

   "Funny story?"

   "Yeah…"

   "You know the bunkhouse? All the little wooden bunks?"

   "Yeah. I'm staying there…"

   "Rob took a cell pic, everyone poking their heads up, just waking up for breakfast one morning."

   "Okay…"

   "He said we're naming the bunk house Auschwitz."

   "Cute."

   "So… we just leave your laptop on, plugged in, screen saver running? And it'll do everything."

   "Yep. Wait a day or two, and we'll check it. You'll see."