Choke - Chapter 85

   During lunch, Panic made his usual rounds of everyone. Making sure everyone knew that Merry had gone to the hospital, not returned. And even that was only if anyone asked. So far, everyone reported no one had inquired yet.

   Shortly after lunch, they retired to their cabin. Panic got into his tattered office chair he liked, in front of the battered small computer desk he favored, and gave just about all his considerable attention to the laptop. That had been the deal, after all. Merry did a few things on her own laptop, played with the cat, and found that there was really nothing to be done around their little dwelling.

   There was nothing to clean. There was nothing to throw away. There was nothing to polish. There wasn't even the possibility of rearranging anything. You could move a box to the new spot you wanted it in? Rearranging furniture was completed.

   As time wore on, the cat even grew tired of playing. When Bitty Kitty finally was maxed out on exercise and then done soaking up attention? He preferred to just curl up in a ball and refused to move. Merry amused herself by picking up one or another of his paws, and letting it fall. She even gently and carefully pried one eye open, and he still didn't move. He just purred when being touched in whatever way, and quit purring about two minutes after the touching stopped. She dragged him sweetly across the bed to a new location, and he just half opened one eye and closed it.

   When Merry got tired of computer solitaire, she started a fun new game. She had quickly figured out that Panic was so engrossed in reading the several test chapters from every romance book the witch had on any of three shelves that contained some? That he tuned her out, concentrating.

   She was amused by her new game. Which was to sneak in some idle chit chat, to get the canned responses back. "Yes", "uh huh", and "oh yeah" or "oh really". Sometimes she just got the "Mm hmm…" treatment. She would get a few of these, and once he was in a rhythm of canned responses, she would slip something ridiculous in.

   "So… it'd be okay if I set myself on fire?"

   "Mm hmm…"

   The next time she set him up for this, she asked if they should eat the cat for dinner.

   "Oh, yeah, sure."

   A half hour later, she went through the routine then asked if it was about time to turn the cat over in the oven, to cook it on the other side.

   "Uh huh…"

   Thoroughly amused, she changed clothes then decided to prance around in nothing but a T shirt. And a short one, not the longer T shirts she slept in, and with nothing on underneath it. When she gave him a mug of his coffee practically naked, and he just grabbed at it blindly without looking, she tried to up her game. By bending over to supposedly look for something in any box near the edge of his line of sight. Nothing doing, his eyes were glued to the computer screen, and his hand was glued to the mouse. His brain was glued to the task at hand, reading the sample chapters from every book he could on the witch's shelves.

   She finally gave up. She went and put on one of the pairs of stockings she had in "her box", and stepped into her heels. A pair of the white, crotch-less cotton panties seemed to round out the outfit well enough. She handed a cup of coffee to him like this, and he was oblivious. She stood behind his chair, and put her hair into pigtails. Then, she went and got the pipe out, and packed it up and had refills ready along with the lighter.

   She reached around him and stuck the bowl into his mouth. He held his head out slightly to the side, as she lit it for him to take a pull. Then she got it for herself, then put it back in his mouth again and repeated it until the pipe was empty. She refilled it, and did it again. When she tried to do it a third time, he shoved her hand and pipe away much like a bee was buzzing by his face. She kept annoying him by first trying to figure out which way he was going to zig, then to zag it into his mouth.

   When she finally got a "will you stop that" out of him, she knew she had gotten an actual sentence fragment that at least was genuine; it wasn't a canned generic response.

   She idly swatted his ear and neck first on one side, then on the other, with alternating pigtails. For fun, she had braided them standing behind him, when she wasn't even sure he registered she was even there yet. Starting to giggle, she kept it up until he started swatting at her pigtails.

   "Am I annoying you…"

   "Do I do this to you, when you're doing something on your laptop?"

   "Probably because I'm not on my laptop, for 18 hours at a time…"

   "Well? What do you want…"

   "Just listen to me…"

   "I'm listening."

   "Well? That's new. I asked you if it was okay to cook the cat for dinner? You said yeah…"

   Panic finally giggled.

   "Really?"

   She imitated his canned responses…

   "Uh huh…"

   He snickered once.

   "Sorry about that. I'm doing something."

   "I know. But, since I got your attention finally, I got a deal for you."

   "Does it involve coffee?"

   "It might. You should hear the deal first."

   He minimized the screen he was reading off of finally.

   "Go."

   "I was thinking… we could take a break. Have sex."

   "We had a deal. I'm allowed to ignore you until 4:00 am. Then, I come to bed. You get that until 5:00 am, then that's when I have to go to sleep. You made this schedule…"

   "Okay… so… it's an hour of sex, no matter what, right?"

   "Sure."

   "So… how about we have sex now. While you still have the energy to move around."

   "How's this a deal…"

   "Well. If you do? I'll let you stay up till 6, instead of 5. I get my hour now instead of later. You? Get an extra free hour, on the computer. I? Get a boyfriend that can still move around."

   "Hun… we went over this. You kinda know why I wanna fall asleep right after being with you, right?"

   "I thought about that. You're okay while your fucking me, right?"

   "Well, yeah… it's after that---"

   "Well, you're okay when you're reading and clicking the mouse. You can go right back to it, as soon as your done. I promise. I just wanna move my hour up. So I'm not fucking a corpse."

   "You said coffee was involved?"

   Merry sashayed over to the stove, and refilled the coffee mug. While humming. She came back and put the coffee mug on the desk, and stood there. Turned around once slowly so he could see the outfit.

   "Oh. I was just about to try to get a perk on the deal. Till now."

   "Hmm. What kind of perk, were you looking for…"

   "Tater tots. You can generally seal a deal with me? If it involves tater tots."

   "I threw in coffee. Now? You want tater tots. And I was all set to say, that if you move around enough… you know, a little gumption and all… you can have as much time as you want tonight."

   "Really?"

   "Eh. Why not. You can sleep in all day tomorrow, no one's getting in until late anyways…"

   She sat on his chair, facing him. She had fun moving around so he couldn't see the laptop, than stood up so he could close his working window. This allowed her to slip one knee over one arm of the office chair, then the other. Dropping her bottom heavily down and onto his lap. Every time he tried to move, it jiggled her around, and she giggled with every jounce.

   Merry closed on her deal. She got two hours and a little more, depending on how you accounted for afterglow snuggles. She seemed happy with the "gumption" displayed, because she made him tater tots when he went back to the computer finally. And refilled the coffee without being asked. The upside was that the coffee was fresh, simply because between the starting out chair time, which ended with an overturned chair… and the mattress time that things ended on, involved a not inconsiderable median period of quite substantially rough "kitty style" over the side of the stove… during which time the sauce pot of coffee got flung across the cabin when an errant elbow came down on the handle.

   Kitty style now routinely involved biting her neck and shoulders from behind. Wrestling and fighting that was getting increasingly combative and athletic. Attempts to hold and control her were moving up from "rough" and into the realm of "forced". When Panic tried to broach these subjects too politely to attempt to ascertain that it was still "consensual" during quiet asexual moments of calm… Merry typically made a face, and complained that rape victims sounded like they were having more fun than she was.

   While sex with her was neither routine nor followed anything resembling a schedule… rougher encounters were beginning to follow a mild pattern. Merry was highly rough and aggressive and tended to both initiate such and to attempt to ride rodeo and stay on top. The intermediate conflict sex tended to follow and didn't seem to end until he gained some lesser or greater degree of "control" of the proceedings, and strongly tended to degenerate into either kitty style, or a rolling free for all brawling sort of missionary. The finale had a habit of Merry "giving in" to some degree while still "fighting" it, although by then it was clear it was just to keep it fun.

   Panic had for some time now realized that many of Merry's early "jokes" about how rough or adventurous sex should be? Weren't jokes, nor even half jokes. They were fairly apt descriptions, he discovered in the end. Then? The next time would be so slow, tame and sensual as to be practically bipolar in nature when compared against the heavier times.

   This particular encounter? Had been one of the all out brawls, naturally. Panic noted during afterglow, that "the stove can't take much more of this". Merry wondered if they could get an older, heavier built one. Panic politely explained he had rewired a much older, much heavier built one. That it was a stove and simply wasn't built for that.

   Merry ended up asleep at a normal bedtime for her. She remembered waking up around 5 or 6, when Panic crawled in. He said he was done reading finally, and turned down his offered extra couple of hours. He told her they would talk when he woke up, and he snuggled up to her. She did it back, and they slept.

   Merry woke up first, mainly because she went to sleep much earlier. She laid there with him, trying to stir and move and make noise as little as possible. When Panic was about five and a half hours into sleep, he moved around and flickered his eyelids.

   "You can go back to sleep if you want."

   "Time?"

   "Eleven in a little while. No one will be here till tonight."

   "How much sleep you figure I got?"

   "Maybe… six hours? More, less. Not sure, but… that's the ballpark."

   "Not bad. All things considered… do you need fucked, the first ten seconds I'm up?"

   Merry smiled.

   "I wouldn't mind it. But I don't need it. You fed me last night. I'm good."

   "Hmn. You've been mentioning, my… frisky mornings we've had. I remember them, trust me. You know what I think I liked the most about a lot of them?"

   "What… other than the obvious."

   "I have my own words for things, sometimes. I always thought of it as… the magic kiss. Your magic kiss."

   "Too much sweetie pie, dear."

   "No, serious. I'm not just saying that your kiss was like magic. No… I mean it different."

   "How."

   "I had trouble falling asleep, and I had way more trouble… staying asleep. When I started sleeping with you, and I don't mean fucking. I mean when I started actually sleeping with you? You… would be kissing me. As I fell asleep. It was the last thing I saw, then the last thing I felt… then the last thing I remembered. I'd wake up, it felt like a few seconds later? You were holding me, the same way I fell asleep. You… were kissing me, the same as when I fell asleep."

   "Really?"

   "Yeah. It's night, I'm tired. You're holding me, kissing me. Bang I'm asleep. Couple seconds go by… bang. It's morning, sun's up, you're still holding me, you're still kissing me. That's what it was like. It was… magical. Somehow, that kiss felt like a magic wand. I opened my eyes, from the same kiss… and I'm… everything's better. I feel better. I look better. Everyone says I'm acting better."

   "I don't feel like I'm magical…"

   "I know there's no such thing as real magic. I know the guy on the stage isn't really making the tiger disappear, and reappear. I know it's all an illusion. A kind of… misunderstanding. I understand I didn't fall asleep and wake up ten seconds later, in the same embrace under the same kiss. Sure felt like it, though. Some part of us knows that magic isn't real, but… we keep going back and enjoying the magic show, you know?"

   "Do you practice these little prince charming speeches in the mirror?"

   Panic chuckled.

   "I'm no prince charming. I don't have any glass slippers. Fuck me, how did that story go? I'm a boy… I focused on other fairy tales. Or, was I a screwed up little kid. Was I supposed to be wishing I was prince charming, or some shit like that? Cause if I was supposed to, I didn't get that fucking memo."

   Merry smiled.

   "Pretty sure it was more for the girls, dear."

   "Hey, just making sure. Parents read the story to boys and girls. Maybe I was supposed to be learning how to be a good guy, be more like the rich faggot in the story."

   "Pretty sure you know the plot line, dear."

   "The basics? Yeah, sure. What was the magic carriage and the magic horses, what did they turn into after midnight or whatever… a pumpkin, the carriage turned into, I remember that. Did the magic royal horses turn into mice or rats or some shit?"

   "Something like that, yeah."

   "Well… that's me. You don't get the magic carriage and the royal horse team. You get the fucking pumpkin and the dozen mice. Sorry for your luck."

   "Hmm. Did you know, there's a deeper analysis of that story? A college level literary breakdown."

   "You can't be serious…"

   "Oh yeah. Wanna hear it? Like a lot of fairy tales, it has the basic theme the kids get, and… smart adults are supposed to get more out of it."

   "Oh, this I gotta hear."

   "All anyone gets out of it, from toddlers to adults? Is that little girls are taught that poor girls, as long as they're pretty? A rich, handsome, royal prince will come along and sweep them off to a fairy tale life of becoming a queen. Right?"

   "Normally, I would say yeah, so… I'm fucked now, ain't I?"

   "Oh yeah. You want a list?"

   "Give me the highlights."

   "Well. For starters. Remember the three rich half sisters? The mean ones?"

   "Yeah…"

   "Morality lesson for them. Rich girls, that are too mean and pouty and vindictive? Seem like they're doing really well… then they lose in the end. To a poor girl. A poor girl, that happens to be pretty and a nice person."

   "I'll give you that one. Go on, science girl. Hey!"

   "What?"

   "Put the damn glasses on. You're still wearing the hooker clothes, you're doing a college lecture like turns me on… put the glasses on. Jesus. Don't ruin this for me, I'm about to start beating off here."

   Merry smiled, and put her reading glasses on for him.

   "May we continue the lecture now?"

   "Oh. Please do."

   "Morality lesson for the rich, handsome young prince. He fell in love with the pretty girl he thought was rich and royal? Turns out he had to be willing to accept whoever that slipper fit onto. He was only happy in the end, and led a wonderful life? Because he was willing to accept the girl that wore a burlap sack, when she fit into the glass slipper."

   "I hate this story, and you're putting arrows into my heart. But… go on."

   "That seemingly rich, pretty girl you're falling in love with? Could easily turn out to be a couple carefully chosen outfits and some tasteful but inexpensive makeup. Some women are capable of a magical transformation. You have to be wary of those little girls that have that magic touch."

   "Ouch. More?"

   "Do this all day, honey. All day. The magic carriage, and the royal horse team? That's the boys loud, fast car that makes the little girl's heart skip a beat after two beers at her first beer party. Next morning? She can wake up to a guy driving a shit-box. You gotta be careful looking for your rich handsome prince. Make sure you don't accidentally fall for a boy Cinderella. Check that car out in the daylight, sober. Make sure it's expensive like it seemed last night. Or you won't get Prince Charming, you'll get Poor Harming instead… and as we all know, handsome without rich isn't all that and a bag of chips."

   "Ooh. Bad morality lesson. Something for the gold diggers to learn a trick from. You're wicked."

   "You see, the magic carriage? The magic horses? That… was a clear sign to people that the person was royalty. Fabulously rich. In today's world? Princes and Princesses drive Ferrari's. Well… if it's all a one night magic spell? Someone can rent the car, rent the gown, borrow the jewelry. And? It's all an illusion."

   "Some of these deep analogies? Are a little dark and… gold digging feeling. Makes me feel a little icky. I mean, I always hated the toddler's basic theme… now I'm hating it on a whole new level, the deeper you take me down the rabbit hole, honey. Please… bring me back home."

   "You're mixing your fairy tales, dear. Down the rabbit hole, is Alice in Wonderland. Bring me back home sounds more like Wizard of Oz. And it's… there's no place like home, there's no place like home."

   "I thought you hated this fairy tale like I did."

   "I hate it. The basic message? They feed us this bullshit as little girls, prince charming is coming. He's rich and handsome, and we'll be queens and have easy, charmed lives. They feed us this bullshit in the teen stories… then as adults? They feed us the same bullshit story over and over in the romances and the movies. It's horseshit, and it teaches girls, teenage girls, and adult women… that almost no man but the tall, rich, handsome guy is good enough, you wait for him. You don't need to develop anything but your beauty, and life will be perfect, and it will all be some man's responsibility to deliver it. It's poisonous, treasonous horseshit, all of it."

   "A part of me, was waiting for my fairy tale ending to this, you know."

   "What's that?"

   "Would of been nice for you to gush and tell me that I'm your Prince Charming. When I said I ain't Prince Charming? You could have argued a little bit with me, you didn't have to give in immediately. Thanks."

   "Dear? This isn't our fairy tale. You're not Prince Charming, you said it first. Hmm… like I'm gonna pretend my feet fit into the dainty little glass slipper. Gimme a break, I wear size 12 men's boots, sweetie."

   "Do we get a fairy tale?"

   "Hmm. I don't know about our fairy tale, but… there's other fairy tales for the little girls to see men like you, you know."

   "Oh shit. What fairy tale character am I? Please don't make me something retarded."

   "You don't know which one you are? Gee."

   "I'm dying to know. You gotta tell me now, with that build up."

   "Prince Charming? Is a rich faggot, you called it. He doesn't show any bravery or cunning. He's just some good looking rich tool. You? Are… actually, it's not just one fairy tale. Your character? Is in a bunch of them."

   "Do I have to spank it out of you?"

   "Hmm."

   "Okay, you're not going to get spanked unless you tell me."

   "You're the woodcutter. There's a bunch of fairy tales, where the strong, brave rugged guy with the ax shows up, and chops up the bad guy, or runs him off."

   "So what? The woodcutter never gets a blowjob. I don't remember him ever getting kissed. Poor bastard… he does all the real work, and the rich faggot gets all the action. Woodcutter? He's in the friend zone."

   "It's a fairy tale, honey. No one's getting laid. A kiss, is the most action you can get in a fairy tale."

   "Well? The Prince always gets a kiss. Hell, the goddamn frog gets kissed. The woodcutter? Lucky if he gets to hold hands."

   "Remember the literary analysis?"

   "Yeah…"

   "It was a class. We did more fairy tales. We all did the common characters, too. Interested?"

   "If I pass this class, do I get a kiss?"

   Merry smiled.

   "You'll get to hold hands, if you pass the course. Have some faith in fairy tales and magic, hun…"

   "Does holding hands, count as a hand job?"

   "The characters in fairy tales, are well established. Yes, the handsome prince. When a girl is in town? The rich pretty boy is the top guy a girl can get. Now then… haven't you ever noticed, that the little girl, alone in the woods? During the day, the animals play with her, the birds sing with her. But, at night? The woods are suddenly scary. Who does she need to come along and save her…"

   "The woodcutter."

   "Exactly. In town, the prince is the top dog. You don't see him out in the woods much, do you? He's useless out there. No… out in the woods at night, the little girl needs to find… want me to list the attributes?"

   "Sure, I want my hand held, if I ain't getting my kiss."

   "Attributes. He's always a little older. He wears normal work clothes. He always has an ax or a weapon. He knows how to use it. Now, tell me the last time you ever saw the woodcutter, in the fairy tale, get killed. Name me one time."

   "Uh…"

   "Exactly. He shows up in the nick of time? Kills the witch that has the children trapped in the woods, and is going to cook them and eat them. He chases the monster off or kills it. The bandits in the woods, can't rob her now. All the attributes of what women report they like in a guy. A little older, does some kind of work, has work clothes or a uniform. Handy with his weapons or tools. He's brave. The woodcutter never gives speeches, like Prince Handsome does. Man of few words. He saves her, he smiles, he holds her hand and walks her home."

   "Why can't he get a kiss?"

   "The kiss, in the Handsome Prince stories? That's the rich, handsome pretty boy that the girl gets to marry. The kiss? Is sex and marriage and happily ever after. You will never see the handsome prince in the dark scary woods stories. He's useless out there. He'd he holding the woodcutter's other hand getting walked home, like another scared girl."

   "Go on."

   "When there's no town… or city or kingdom… just the scary woods, where things are lurking? Pretty girls and little children need protection. Trust me, this was a class full of graduate psychology majors, writing analysis papers. All the women? Already knew what holding hands meant. All the guys? Just remembered the action and the danger. All the guys, were pretty surprised they never got that out of the story we all knew. All us girls? Were surprised all the guys didn't get it."

   "Hmm. Now, the Handsome Prince stories. Always end with a big kiss. You said, they keep telling you girls the same stories, and they still tell you those stories in adult movies."

   "Sure do. The basis for any movie that ends with a big kiss."

   "Well. Do they keep telling us guys the same stories too?"

   "Duh. Most women enjoy Rom Coms. Romantic Comedies… what do most men enjoy?"

   "Ha, I got this one. Action movies. We want fight scenes, shootouts. Throw in some boobies and some explosions, try not to fuck up the soundtrack."

   Merry smiled.

   "Like I said… duh. Tough guy always gets the girl, doesn't he? Girl always falls for the hero, doesn't she? That's the woodcutter."

   "When the pretty girl gets walked home outta the dark, scary woods. Holding hands with the woodcutter. That really did something for you little girls?"

   Merry grinned and nodded.

   "Women have a list of things they like. In the city? Money, status, and perceived importance level. Those things mean the most in a city. We live in a civilized world, or we're supposed to, anyways. Those things go to the top of the list."

   "And tough guys?"

   "Oh. That's the rest of the list. Tall, strong, how other men treat him if he raises his voice. Trust me, women notice those things."

   "You women notice us boys and our pecking order, huh?"

   "You know we do. Now, when you go out of the city, and you get in more of a small town or country setting… the list changes. Tough guys, and the pecking order become more important. When the girls are giggling in the bathroom here, they brag more about how tough they think their guy is. In the city? Tends to be more about how much money they make."

   "So. Do I pass this class?"

   "I think you'll squeak by. Wanna know the problem in modern society?"

   "What's that."

   "In the beginning. Big, tough guys were the gold standard. Then… our brains developed. Over time, being smart became as important as being big and strong. There was no money in society yet. Women developed to be attracted to… men that were up the pecking order."

   "Tall, big, retards. Ain't worth shit."

   "If being big and strong was all there was to the pecking order, then why did smart men survive and pass their genes along? Why are there stories where the smart guy fools everyone and wins. No. Big dumb guys are plenty scared of smart guys. They know what can happen. Before money came along, smart was one of the important ingredients to a man's status. In any hunting or fighting party… the top guy is either the smartest guy, or… you get led by the biggest, strongest guy… and his number two guy? Is the smartest guy he can find."

   "You don't see that in life today."

   "I'm talking primitive man. Not cave men. Fully modern humans, just as smart as we are today, same bodies and brains. That's where we come from, that's where men and women get their urges from. Nothing has changed that way."

   "What's fucked up about it then…"

   "Money, and big civilization. The bigger the city? The more money goes to the top of the list. Women, have an inner conflict. Those urges are still there. So? Women tend to marry for money more than ever, and, this leads to urges for a… real man, I guess you would call it. For lack of a better word. The urge to have a man as far up the pecking order as you can get. Cheating with a tough guy, feeds the personal urges. Money? Delivers that need for the public pecking order. As long as things are civilized."

   "What happens, when things get not so civilized."

   "You and Rob and Skykid? Already know what happens then. Modern man? Instantly goes right back to his original condition. Why do you think you liked the military so much, even before you went to the equator. You said it yourself, you fit right in. With your MP buddies. All of a sudden? The tough guys suddenly liked having a smart guy in the group. Didn't they?"

   Panic mused on it.

   "Yeah…"

   "Then what did you learn, when you went down to the equator."

   "I learned a number of things. Most of them weren't good."

   "You switched teams. Your friend Rob, he was a leader, wasn't he."

   "Oh yeah. You can stick him anywhere. Men flock to him, and he leads men. It's just who he is."

   "And… who did he find and bring up the pecking order. You ended up his number two, didn't you? That was no accident. Do you know anything about personality types?"

   "Alpha and beta. Rob grew up an alpha. I grew up a beta. Tough guys are alphas. Smart guys are betas."

   "Yeah. That's about as deep of an understanding as the basic fairy tale. By the time you get your masters in Psychology? That's just the goo-goo ga-ga level shit. There's more personality types. What… do you think you were born and raised a beta, and you studied hard and became an alpha?"

   "I don't know. Men like Rob? They're born to it. It's natural. I learned to run with the pack of alphas. I can go up through the pecking order, but, I'll never be number one. I wasn't born to it. Maybe I became… half an alpha, or something. When it's all over, and I come back? I don't even like it. I'm just as happy, going back to my books and my computers."

   "What changed though. Childhood, now adulthood."

   "All that really changed? I accept who I really am, and I like it. I grew up hating that I was different. Now? I don't just accept it… I like it."

   "You? Are a sigma male."

   "Gee, thanks hun. Lone wolf. Crazy man. You really know how to butter a guy up, before you hold his hand, you know."

   "See? Like I said. That's the goo-goo ga-ga, fairy tale level understanding. Alpha beta, alpha beta… that's all most people get out of it. Sigma males? Totally different. Alphas attract a pack around them. In fact, put an alpha by himself? He's lost. Not much use for a leader, when there's no one around to lead, is there."

   "I guess not. Soon as there is, though… there they go. To me? It's silly."

   "Sigmas can function as a beta. They don't care who's in charge. As long as it doesn't fuck things up, like when a bad alpha is in charge. Sigmas can function as an alpha, when they have to. People see this, and it's strange to them. The average person, thinks in terms of leaders and followers. Sigmas are different. We used to call them quiet alphas, we used to call them capable betas. Then? Psychology learned they really are their own type. There's not that many of them."

   "Where do we fit in, then."

   "Anywhere. You want the… basic bar analogy we use to introduce the personality types?"

   "Sure."

   "Alpha. We all know him at the bar. Everyone flocks around him. He buys drinks, everyone buys him a drink. He either has alpha money, or, he's the alpha big guy. Everyone else? Is the pack of betas. They're drawn to alphas. They follow them. They're most of the pack."

   "Where's the sigma?"

   "He's the quiet guy, sitting by himself. Smart. Quiet. Watching. Studying. He doesn't mind having people around him, but he doesn't need it like alphas do. He also doesn't crave having an alpha to follow around. When there's a bad alpha around? That's the stereotypical bully asshole. The bad alpha sees the quiet sigma male as no threat. He's just another beta, nothing to worry about. But… sigma males are every bit as dangerous as the alpha, and sometimes even more so."

   "Bar fights are pecking order bullshit. Two alpha wanna be's going at it, to see who's going to be the big man. Everyone else? Watches and cheers."

   "You… are doing what everyone else does, silly. You aren't seeing the sigma. They fly below radar."

   "So where's the sigma at?"

   "That's the quiet guy, who orders a drink, and says how retarded the whole thing is. He's not involved in that shit."

   "So how are they dangerous?"

   "When you find a bad alpha, face down in the bathroom, in a pool of blood? No one knows what the hell even happened. Or you find one face down, unconscious in the parking lot. And again, no one knew a thing about it? That's the sigma male. He struck."

   "The psycho…"

   "No. He's the quiet guy. Always stays back, and studies everything and everyone. He's not impressed with the alphas, and he thinks the betas are silly."

   "You said they function as alphas, though…"

   "They do. If there's no good alpha around? And some bad alpha is always giving everyone grief? The sigma, is the smart quiet guy, the bad alpha should have left alone. The sigma? When it's his turn to get pushed around? Eh… if it's not serious… he'll let it go. Tell the alpha he's the alpha. He gives him what he wants, and everyone sees this is just another beta. Usually."

   "What happens when it's not the usual."

   "Well. If there's no good alpha around, to handle it. Or, no other bad alpha around, for him to butt heads with? As far as everyone else knows, some quiet beta just went right up to the bad alpha, and took him out. Then, goes right back to being a quiet beta again. Or? They follow them. Get the bad alpha alone, and make them put up or shut up. With no one around. If there's a good alpha round, running shit properly? They function as quiet betas. If there's no good alpha around to handle the problem? They handle it. As good, or even better than an alpha. Then, they go right back to being a quiet beta. Again, as far as everyone else knows. Remember, everyone else just knows alpha and beta."

   "You're saying this is me…"

   "Oh yeah. Sigma males? Are rare. They're about the rarest personality type. Good alphas? Learn what they are, and court them. Make them a pack member. Bad alphas? Learn that there are people out there, that can take them out, with no warning. There is nothing out there, so scary to a bad alpha, as a sigma male. They tend to be smart, quiet, and they have their own rules. They study, they think, they plan. When a sigma finally strikes? It's like… carefully planned lightning."

   "I'm Rob's pet sigma."

   "Rob's a good alpha, isn't he?"

   "Oh yeah."

   "Sigmas make good alphas into great alphas. Sigmas are the bad alpha's worst nightmare."

   "The devil I'm hunting. Bad alpha?"

   Merry nodded.

   "I don't know much about your case yet. But I will. Mike's going to fill me in eventually."

   "Why? It's not your problem. Not even your case."

   Merry smiled.

   "Why do you think, silly. Mike fills me in on lots of things I have no business knowing about. He likes to run things by me."

   "Hmm. You, are Uncle Mike's… alpha girl."

   "Am I?"

   "You're big and strong for a girl. The bikers all treat you like one of the guys. You're a tank."

   "Really…"

   "If you, are not an alpha female? Monkeys are about to fly out of my ass."

   "Gee. I'm wasting my time on this class then. I thought you were getting out of the goo-goo ga-ga fairy tale understanding of the basics everyone knows, and being introduced to the deeper analysis."

   Merry adjusted her glasses.

   "Science girl? Was almost impressed."

   "Okay. Fill me in."

   "Why? Figure it out yourself. List my attributes, duh."

   "Tall. Strong. Smart. Degrees. Star athlete. Followed the guy jocks at college to the academy. How are you not an alpha female. Watch out for my ass, here come the monkeys."

   "Alpha females mate with alpha males. I didn't. An alpha needs the limelight. I don't. We both know what I did, to bring down bad agents before. They never knew it was me that got them, either. I just fingered them. When they pulled their shit, and they could get it interviewed out of other women that were with them? That's when they went down. I worked 6 days a week, 12 hour shifts. Lived in a little motel room. Even got to like being Merry. I don't need clothes and cars and a big house. I think the modern relationship is mostly bullshit, and what little bit is still good about it? Is circling the drain… fast."

   "Hmm."

   "I'm just the microphone, in an eavesdropping operation. Didn't I try everything I could, before I closed the donut girl's eye? I let the bar skank go, and handled it another way. I don't need a guy, but… I sure don't mind one. Merry? Was a waitress. Nothing could be more beta. I'm a biker girl tank. Nothing could be more alpha. Now… what am I?"

   "You… are Uncle Mikey's sigma."

   "Mike likes me helping him plan things. He says I make him look good."

   "Holy shit on heaven's shingle…"

   "What?"

   "I just remembered. Back when you were just Merry the waitress to me. I remember now. You gave me ideas."

   "Hmm. Did I?"

   "Yeah. You were talking about messing with the inventory at work. Getting everyone free steaks and chops. You said the bigger and more complicated an organization is, the easier it is to mess with it. I remember, it gave me the big idea, to… mess with the system the way I did."

   Merry smiled.

   "Just because you'll never see me in the Hoover building? Doesn't mean I don't know exactly how everything works. I know what you did. I did everything but draw you a picture, to cheat the system, huh? Imagine that."

   "You scored me my Gamma. You handled testing quick."

   "That? Was fun. Got what I wanted, too. I got my rock candy… just… where… I wanted it. Didn't I?"

   "Yes. I have trouble deciding whether you're devious, or just a deviant."

   "Both. Now then. What do you want to do? You wanna go eat, you wanna hang out with the boys. You wanna do some more computer work, before everyone starts coming in? Tell me."

   "You're still dressed like a hooker."

   "I am. If you wanna go eat and hang out? I'll get dressed. If you wanna get on the computer? It's okay. I'll put something on and I won't distract you. I didn't know if you were gonna want… coffee for breakfast or not."

   "Depends."

   "On what?"

   "Did I pass the course?"

   "Hmm. Touch and go there, at the end. Maybe. We'll see…"

   "Okay."

   "I got the glasses on. I'm dressed like a hooker. You… need some help with your course work, to make sure you pass. Hmm?"

   "I thought you were going to hold my hand, if I passed."

   "Hold more than your hand, if you want. You can pretty much have anything on the menu you want right now. Except my mouth. But don't worry… you won't have any trouble figuring out when my throat's finally healed up."

   "Maybe that's what I want."

   Merry had picked up a pair of her panties, and twirled them around her finger as she came over to him on the bed.

   "Do I need to use my panties on you? Hmm?"

   "Couldn't hurt…"

   "Oh really. Actually? It could hurt. Quite a bit, if I wanted to. You're lucky you're not in any trouble at the moment, you know."

   "Damn."

   "You wanna be in trouble? I can arrange that."

   "Ooh baby."

   "Hmm. You haven't even had your big night yet. You will eventually. You might not be so brave about being in trouble after that, you know…"

   "Guess I'll just have to find out."

   "Oh. You will. But for right now? You have to try to convince me, you learned something in class. How you gonna do that, mister…"

   Later, they were just laying there. Talking idly. Merry packed a pipe up for them, and they shared a cigarette.

   "I was just thinking about something quite ironic."

   "What."

   "My team. I was on… Team Sigma. We ran in packs. We grouped up for larger operations, or… we split up into our individual packs. Rob? Was Sigma Alpha."

   "What were you?"

   "Sigma Delta. Sigma Delta, 256."

   "They sent down several packs of… Little Robbies? That was it, to take on an army?"

   Panic chuckled.

   "Alpha Team. That was the larger main force. Probably what you would think of, as the main army for us down there. Lot of infantry kinda guys. Then, there was Bravo Team. Artillery, bigger guns. Bigger machine guns. Guys that were good with grenade launchers."

   "Was there an overall plan?"

   Panic laughed.

   "More or less. It's all jungle and fields, jungle and fields. Some mountainous terrain, too. When we're moving, Alpha and Bravo move together, one after the other. A big force can't just move around blind. Team Sigma, would split up into our individual packs, and move out and around. We took turns. One Sigma pack would scout ahead. Couple more out to the sides, trailing behind. Then we radio back to bring the bigger group up, it's safe."

   "What if it wasn't safe."

   "We coordinate our trailing flanks. Now they move out and around and up, while we stay put. We see how big they are. What they got. What are they doing. We might be told to find a way around. Or, we tell Alpha and Bravo to set up and be ready to hit them with everything we got. Then? We sit and wait, and group up to cut their escape off. Or hit them from the sides."

   "That was a day at the office?"

   "We were a mobile force. We didn't just sit in one place. You can't march the whole Roman army around, and everyone doesn't know exactly where you are. We were about as big of a force as you can have, and still be completely mobile. Alpha and Bravo could pack up and go from camp? To ready to move, inside of an hour. We drilled on that constantly."

   "What do you do when camped?"

   "Sigma packs take turns going out and scouting, keeping watches. We rotate our Sigma packs in and out. One or two take a break while the rest are out moving around. We also did long range forward work."

   "What's that?"

   "Long range. Move slow and careful, looking. Our job then was to find the larger enemy force out there. Kinda hard to hide a large group of men. Then we got the idea, to find the main base."

   "How do you do that?"

   "Pretty easy, really. We would initiate fights, and monitor communications. I'm the communications guy. I can monitor a signal, and tell you the direction it's coming from. If these signals are only occurring during a fight? I now know the direction the camp is in. I can give us a bearing. Then? We had a long period of no action. Couple Sigma packs went long range, and we found the enemy base. We waited, for a long time. When their larger force finally came in to engage? We waited till the middle of the night, and hit the main camp. They were as weak as they could be at that moment, and their main force was as far away as it could get. So, we had days to comb the hills and trails to get the stragglers."

   "Did it work?"

   "Sure. First off, the guys in that main camp? Leaders and organizers. Take them out, make them find new leaders. We got lots of good intelligence. Maps, plans. Got to see what they had, how sophisticated they were. Plus? That was the last time they moved all their force around as a big army. Now, they have to split up and move around in individual camps. Now, our relatively small mobile force, is more effective. We get to play hide and seek with smaller forces."

   "Fight smarter, not harder."

   "Always. Then? We can have a Sigma team following each of the smaller groups around, reporting on their position. Quietly. And, if they think they're gonna stay in one place, and take a break? We wait for them to get comfortable. Then hit them at night, then take off and disappear."

   "Stick and move."

   "Yeah. Imagine it, you're the leader of a big band of zombies. You think you're hot shit. You wake up one day, and go outside to take a piss, and strut around and enjoy how important you are? Your own sentry is sitting there right outside your very own tough guy command tent in a chair, with his head in his lap. With a note in the mouth, letting you know who did it."

   "Scare them, make them run."

   "Or? Even better, get pissed and start coming for us. Make them do something stupid. Plus, if they go on the move? We're following them, and having our fun. Or better yet, up ahead and waiting for them to go past."

   "Did it work?"

   "Yes. We split their big force, up into smaller ones. See, on some level… it's about resources. If you do this, you make them use more resources, and get less out of it. You slowly gain ground, by using less of your own resources, while costing them more. Also, by this time? We were now following their forces around. We knew when they were getting ready to hit a village. We could get Alpha and Bravo to the village early. Clear it out, and wait for them to come in. Alpha is waiting in the village, Bravo in the surrounding area for long range support."

   "You get to win."

   "The Zombies? Were a big bunch of wanna be's. Bunch of young guys, drunk, used to hitting innocent villages and… well… you already know what they do…"

   "Yeah."

   "Well, that's the only time we make a stand and fight, the whole force. The Zombies were a big band of guerrillas, not trained professionals. When faced with determined resistance, with proper support set up and waiting? We can wipe that smaller force out. That's when we put heads on sticks. As a warning. Attack a village? This is what will happen. We did to them? What they were doing to the helpless villagers. It has an effect."

   "You started winning."

   "You win that battle. You haven't won the war."

   "Oh."

   "You wiped one of the split up, smaller forces out. The rest? Hightail it out, and move across the border. Where we can't go. They take a break. Regroup. Get more men and supplies. Then? We have to wait and see where they move in next. In some other part of the country."

   "How do you know where that is?"

   "Pretty easy. They start hitting villages on the other end of the country. Then? We load up on transport planes and get moved there. It starts all over again. There is no winning, there is no end."

   "What would it take to… win."

   "What we weren't allowed to do. Follow them into that other country. Attack them in that country. We can't invade the next country south. And… absolutely no one, was interested in what it would take, to put a permanent stop to it all."

   "I'm afraid to ask what that would be."

   "Cut the head off of the snake."

   "Which was?"

   "Easy. French billionaires. Put a few small teams together, to go and get those assholes funding all of this. Remember, the idea was to clear out all the villages, to get to your precious coal and gas rights. That was the objective. You go and kill that group of billionaires? Problem solved."

   "That wasn't going to happen either."

   "No. Well… guys were starting to make jokes about it."

   "Really?"

   "Yeah. Loose talk. Why don't a small group of us, get together, and handle it ourselves. On our own money and initiative… just go and take care of the problem. End it."

   "No one did it?"

   "It would have started a whole new shit-storm. Picture this, if you will. A group of men, who know what they're doing… go on vacation, and quietly locate one of the French billionaires. Find weapons and explosives on the black market. Hit the billionaire in his own mansion, out in the hills. Wipe his security team out, and go in and eliminate anyone in that house. Then? Take a break, and locate the next billionaire, and repeat as necessary."

   "Fuck…"

   "Yeah, now that would be a sweet news story to wake up to on the TV and the newspapers. Terrorist attack in France. House full of rich people found with their heads cut off. Guys were making jokes about it, and the jokes were turning to half jokes. Wondering if anyone knew where to get weapons and explosives in Europe for that."

   "You wouldn't have gone and done anything like that, would you?"

   "No. First off, there would be hell to pay, after the first one of those went off. The rest of the billionaires? Would scatter to different countries, with beefed up security. You can work your evil with your money, from anywhere in the world. Plus? There's the matter of everyone else in that house. His security team? They didn't do anything. Just guys doing their job. The other millionaires in that mansion? All the wives and children and servants? They're all innocent. All that collateral damage, to get one rich asshole, and it wouldn't even put a stop to it."

   Merry was silent for a little bit.

   "That's when you came home. When it became pointless."

   "Yeah. Rob, me, Sky… Rob said it was time to go, we all agreed."

   "So, you came home. Your war was over."

   He shrugged.

   "What…"

   Panic giggled.

   "Remember my island I took a long vacation on? Mister Crabby…"

   "Yeah, you lived on the deserted beach. You made it sound wonderful…"

   "Yeah. I went snorkeling, and I taught myself to scuba dive. Among other things to amuse myself."

   "Sounds like fun."

   "Yeah. It was. Remember, I told you how I could move around, on the transport ships?"

   "Sure."

   "I visited Europe. I backpacked around some."

   Merry looked at him, furrowed her brow.

   "Might as well see France, you know. I got there in spring. Stayed through the summer. Left in the fall."

   "You didn't…"

   "No. I didn't. But, it couldn't hurt to look around some, quietly, could it? So I did. Honestly, billionaires aren't that hard to find. You just read the papers. Stories about their many lavish parties and fundraisers are in the society pages."

   "You were thinking about it."

   "Eh. Not like you think. I was just curious. How close could I get to the guy. I had lunch near him a couple times. A couple tables away. The French like to eat outside, when the weather's nice. You can't get a billionaire alone, it's about impossible. If you were curious."

   "I never was."

   "He had a private beach, down from his mansion on the hill. Pretty place. He had beach parties. I was curious if I could scuba in, under him. Maybe… pull him down and drown him. That was my… fantasy."

   "You never pulled it off."

   "No. No one went in the deeper water much. Can't scuba dive in the shallows, and not be seen. I thought maybe if people were swimming at night…"

   "Wow."

   "Yeah. Wow. The one thing I couldn't figure out, was how to identify him. At night, in the water. Looking up. I needed some way to mark him, and no one else. I could never figure that part out. Thought about his yacht? But… too much security, too many innocent people on it."

   "You gave up."

   "I gave up. I could get him, but… only at lunch when I saw him there. I'd have to trade my life for his, and I wasn't willing to do that. Maybe if I spent years tracking him, found him on vacation somewhere… I'd have a chance, but… I wasn't wasting my life to get one guy, when the rest would just keep going without him. No point."

   "Then you came home?"

   "Then… I came home. It was all over. Went to college, and finished my degrees. Went about my own quiet life. Until… I found the devil, on my computer."

   "Mike says you're closing in on your case."

   "Yep. Almost there. I'm allowed to win this time. I got a hunting license, and I got my devil tag. It ain't dinner time yet, but… he's on the menu."

   "You really wanted your… rich devil."

   "Oh yeah. See… him and his billionaire butt buddies? They were directly responsible for all those innocent villagers getting killed and the villages wiped out. Every one of those women and children and old people, that I sat and saw the carcasses? That was their doing. And for what? Some coal, some gas. I mean, how much is enough. I don't understand, how you wake up one day, and say… gee. I have ten billion dollars. But, if I kill hundreds or thousands of people, in some far off third world country? I can have twenty billion more dollars. I mean, what the fuck can't you buy or have, for ten billion… that you need another twenty billion to get."

   "Greed."

   "I understand greed. I don't hate rich people. If you wanna spend your life, seeing how many little green pieces of paper you can stack up? More power to you. Just don't kill women and children doing it, is all I'm saying. No… that's moving from greed? Over into full blown evil."

   "Who was he?"

   Panic laughed.

   "That's not important. And, there's a bunch more like him. You know what the Bilderbergers are?"

   "I never heard of the family name, no."

   "It's not his name. He's one of the Bilderberger group. It's a collection of billionaires, around the world. They all meet once a year, in some small town in Switzerland. All vacation together, talk shop. That? Is where deals like went on down the equator, get dreamed up. Over dinner. If you were to nuke that town, at the right time of the year? You'd make the world a better place, literally overnight. Wouldn't last long though. Other billionaires, would take up the slack and rise up… take their places. You're up against human nature, and you can't win that battle."

   "You're a good man."

   "I try to be. Hey…"

   "Yeah."

   "What do you like in life?"

   "Well. I like to think that I'm doing something good. Something useful with my life. Making a difference. Me and Mike."

   "I mean, everyday stuff. What do you like?"

   "Oh. I like Bitty Kitty. You know that. You want me to be honest?"

   "No, lie to me."

   "My thermostat is set low. I get limited enjoyment out of stuff normal people enjoy. Now… I know for sure, that two things stand out. For my day to day creature comforts."

   "And those are?"

   "I like food, and sex. Give me a nice, big steak and some side dishes? Then fuck the hell out of me, until I walk funny. Makes me happy as a clam. The bigger the steak, the dirtier the sex, the happier I am. I told you once, and I meant it. I'm not complicated. My life is complicated, maybe… but I sure ain't. What about you?"

   "I like Mister Fuzzy. I can't wait to hook back up with him. I like my projects. Stuff I get into mainly on the computer. Then? Food and sex. I like a big steak, and I like when you work me over for an hour or two. Told you before. It's like we were made for each other."

   "I just can't wait till all this craziness is done. Being alone here. The quiet. The snow. Sounds like fun. I'm going to have my… willing victim? All alone, all to myself."

   "I can't wait."

   Merry sidled up to him and pressed her lips to his ears.

   "Remember my name…"

   He nodded.

   "My nicknames?"

   He nodded again.

   "Hmm. I forgot the H series…"

   Panic looked at her, and cocked his head, making a confused face. She turned his face back and gripped it with her hand, so she could plant her lips more firmly back onto his ear, and filled it with her deep voice.

   "Holly. Got called Ollie, Olive, and Oliver. I forgot, I also got called Holive, and Holliver. I called Holive and Holliver… the H-series. I also sometimes got called Hollyday. Which, led to being called Hollynight."

   She had one hand on the back of his head, and the other over his mouth, to hold him firmly for this little revelation. She used this as a springboard from which to start to kiss and bite his neck. She stopped periodically to whisper in his ear.

   "Just wanted you to know that. Forgot about those ones. Only in my ear, only when we're alone. Now then… since I was talking about what was obviously you out here. All alone. Willing victim. Getting raped, again and again. And, you said… I… can't… wait… did you really mean that?"

   He nodded his head.

   "Because, I do give out those little taste tests, now and then, don't I."

   She moved his head up and down for him, the way she had both of her hands on his head. She slid up and over him, holding his head to the side with both her hands clamped. His ear was straight up. The hand from the back of his neck disappeared, and she tossed a pair of her panties on the pillow, near his face. Again clamped her hands, his ear still up. She got down on his ear.

   "You know what those are for, right? Well… I don't have to use them. It's daytime. Someone could come. Well, someone could come other than you, I mean. No… those are just there. In case I need them. But… you like it, don't you. Yeah, you do. Tell you what I'm gonna do. You? Are are gonna stay just like this. I'm gonna keep doing this… and very important. I'm going to let you go, and I want you to ask me, in my ear… whatever I tell you, all right?"

   She felt him nod his head once, and she released her hands and straightened his head out. Then she buried her face in his neck.

   "I want you to ask me for it. Can you do that?"

   "Yeah…"

   She whispered in his ear.

   "Please rape me, Holly…"

   He repeated it in her ear. One arm clinging around her neck, the other arm under hers, then up the back. His hands found each other and he tugged in.

   "That's sort of good, but… I don't remember telling you to stop… I'll tell you when to stop…"

   "You're now flying Holly airlines. Passenger taken hostage… and yeah, you can expect some turbulence…"

   He had stopped while she talked, and she grabbed the panties laying right there, and ran them down his cheek lightly.

   "Didn't tell you to stop, did I? Don't make that mistake again."

   He went back to repeating it in her ear. She seemed to enjoy hearing the sighs and squeals from biting and kissing his neck, as he tried to keep saying her new mantra she wanted this time. She had fun making him jump from her mouth on his neck.

   Now that she got him to keep saying it, she interspersed her bites with lurid descriptions of things she might do when the real rape occurred. When the real turbulence started, it was a fast, hard, noisy affair. She bit him pretty hard, and held on. She didn't release her teeth until they were done, and reminded him not to stop.

   Shortly into afterglow, for which she simply rested her now dead weight down on him, head still buried in his neck… she whispered to stop. Once their breathing slowed enough, she asked him…

   "You think that should be illegal?"

   "Not at all."

   "We got a lot of company coming in. I'm gonna just wear my towel for our bath, take my clothes with me. Don't worry, you don't have to put out on the rock… then? I want lunch. You want computer time when we get back, before company gets here?"

   He thought about it.

   "No. I'm done for now."

   She stood up, and looked down at him, her white stocking legs and feet where her knees had been, on either side of his hips. She smiled, and extended her hand down, and pulled him up when he took it.

   "Well? Let's get a move on. I got fucked, now I'm gonna get fed. My two favorite things, you know."