Range - Chapter 45

   They were done with Merry's bottom, and were laying around in afterglow. It hadn't been a quickie per se, but it was no slow one either. Sort of in between. They had both agreed, to enjoy Bitty Kitty and his presents first. Bitty had watched them intently, after his initial joy at their return had been out of his system. He had difficulty understanding the giant carpeted tree-house they assembled for him. Had trouble figuring out what the giant continuous feeder was, and what it was for. They had to put it next to his food dish so he understood it was for him. He curled up into a ball and laid in the dish part. When they put an entire big bag of gourmet dry cat food in it, and it filled up the dish at the bottom, well, that was as much as he needed to know about that new thing in his environment.

   His matching continuous water dish held gallons of cool fresh water, and nearly depleted their supply, they would have to recoup more at the main camp. After Bitty had a few mouthfuls of the new dry kibble, and a few licks of the new water… they tried the first treat by picking it at random among the all different backup options. One by one, they opened another and gave him one to see. He ate one of each, and seemed to like all of them. Merry reminded Panic he had once lived outside in the city, fending for himself before she took him in and brought him leftovers. Garbage cans and wild rodents. Treats were all food to him, they would slowly figure out his preferences.

   He now had various cat toys. Some were to amuse himself, and others to be amused by humans. Panic had insisted on the cat toy laser, which seemed to be to amuse both human and cat alike. Once the catnip toy was opened last, he quickly got off on that and had a pronounced reaction to the stuff inside that really got his goat. While Bitty amused himself with his cat toy, the two humans turned their attention to amusing themselves.

   "You know, we clearly made a teensy mistake."

   "What? I throw a flag. You said, and I quote… I can take your bottom. You can't claim wrong hole now, and it was your idea, then you made sure I remembered. I'm pretty sure there was no mistake…"

   "Oh, we are funny tonight, aren't we."

   "Well, if by we, you mean me, then yeah. I'm a fucking laugh riot, if you didn't already know…"

   "No, the mistake? Was giving Bitty the catnip toy… right before we decided to take a romp on the mattress. He thought it was playtime, and brought the toy up… danced on both of us… Christ."

   "Honestly, I thought it was great when he started trying to tug yer hair, when I was pulling it."

   "Yeah, that was fun. I'm getting rode like a dirt bike, and then all of a sudden? I got a cat on my back, dancing around and tugging at my hair with his claws and mouth."

   "Well, I got him off you, without even stopping."

   "Yeah. Later, he's in my face… with his slobbered up cat toy in his mouth, rubbing it all over my face."

   "Well, you were down on all fours, just like a girl cat, you know. At least that's the way it looks to him."

   "I know, right? I loved it all even more, when you told him he could 'have me next', that was so sweet of you."

   "The catnip show is still going on… look…"

   "Oh. That's great… you threw my used panties over to the cat, and he's running around with them in his mouth… I hope I don't have to play tug of war every morning to get my panties back on."

   "Now, that would be amusing to watch."

   "So… do you like the stockings?"

   "Very much. I particularly like the little gold chain you put on over them. I love that thing."

   She held her leg up, wiggled her foot around, to make the chain dance for him.

   "Hmm. I can't believe it some days. I deliberately bend over to pick things up, and sneak a peek to make sure you're looking at my butt… there you are, staring at my chain on my ankle…"

   "I can't explain it. I don't care. Tell everyone. Put it on social media. I have no shame."

   "I can't wait to tell everyone the funny stories about the nail place."

   "I'm pretty sure it will be a hoot for them. Then after story time? Fun-time for jokes associated with it."

   "The boys are fun. One or two disappear after a while, another one or two show up to take their place."

   "Yeah. Until the long range is all done and fully operational? That will continue. Everyone will be back for this state's hunting season, too. Anyone who came and worked? Will all be here for that, at once. Most of them are talking two week vacations. Should be a blast."

   "I still can't believe it. We're gonna get to spend the whole winter here? In a cabin. With a fire… hopefully by then, I'll be able to send pictures and videos to the girls at work, and my racquetball girls."

   "You can make me tater tots."

   "You and your damned tater tots. Yes, I will make you tater tots. And hash-browns, and mashed potatoes, and baked potatoes, too."

   "Really? Then you've been lying to me all this time, about not knowing how to cook? You naughty girl…"

   "I told you, I can make breakfast food. That's a normal thing helping out at the restaurant. I did morning shift and afternoon shift, instead of afternoon and night… when I first worked there. Breakfast, and anything I drop into hot oil? I have covered."

   "And you can put things on bread, right?"

   "Yes. I know how to make a sandwich…"

   "And can you use a can opener?"

   "Hmm. Last time I checked."

   "And can you boil water?"

   "Fairly well."

   "There you go. I won't starve this winter. Now if I can just get you to cook while dressed like a naughty little elf? Winter will be perfect."

   "A naughty elf? I thought you wanted… Hotler…"

   "Yeah, but… for Christmas? Naughty elf. I'm planning on the silly hat with the bell on top? Every time I bang you, the bell rings on the hat…"

   "Finally. Something that doesn't involve my ankles. I was starting to feel like a pair of ankles, with a woman attached to them."

   "Speaking of…"

   "What now…"

   "I was thinking cat collars, on yer ankles… little bells…"

   "What's with all the bells now…"

   "I don't know. Just being funny. Don't read too much into it. I'm… gonna… ring your bells."

   "Okay."

   "By the way, honey. Thanks."

   "What? For my bottom?"

   "That too, but… at the nail salon?"

   "Yeah…"

   "You kept doing the 'pretend we're married' thing back to me. I… enjoyed it. Maybe I know how you felt at the store when I first did it to you. Can I ask you a question?"

   "Hmm. Go ahead, then we need a teensy talk about something…"

   "Science girl has three psych degrees. You've got me addicted to your… love chemicals that collect all over your body. Is the… pretend we're married game, some sort of… girl magazine thing, to corner me into it?"

   "Hmm. How would that even work? Give me ideas. Could make a good article to add to the pile. Go on…"

   "Uh, you claim you don't even care, and don't want it. That could just be that simple reverse psychology trick. Your boss admits you have him wrapped around your little pinky finger and he just signs the ideas and sends them up the ladder. I figured the game might go like… after we've both done the pretend game enough times… I'm supposed to like it enough, I get cornered, then you pounce."

   "I pounce?"

   "Uh, yeah. Sure."

   "Hmm. Articles a little thin. You need something outlandish to sell it, set it apart from all the other articles."

   "Oh. Almost forgot. After you have them hooked on your chemicals collecting on your ankles, and you have them staring at the gold chain on your ankle… you, use it to kind of hypnotize the poor defenseless guy. He's fucking waxed on your love chemicals, you're wiggling the ankle and chain around… mesmerizing him… then? You have him."

   "And then I… pounce."

   "He's staring at the ankle chain… he's mesmerized… and you start. You're getting sleepy… sleepier… you are in my control… when you wake up? You will buy me a five thousand dollar otherwise useless rock, and swear to be my financial and emotional slave, forever… you will not resist… you are within my power."

   Merry buried her face in his neck, and laughed.

   "Hmm. Quite a novel approach. Most women? Standard approach. Hook him on sex… while pretending you love everything about him, and pretending not to be a complete gold digger. You set the egg timer on the relationship. When the egg timer goes off? You shut the sex off, cold turkey… the relationship ends, or, he caves in. You usually give him, like a month or three, horny mind you, to…'think about it'…"

   "That's how it's properly done?"

   "Fucking textbook. Then? Everything else you ever want? Whatever? Doesn't matter. Pout, bitch, and argue if any demand is not met… then withhold sex. He's already trained. By the time he's wise and pissed off? It's just enough years, you need a new marriage anyways… the 'fire' and 'passion' is gone out of this one."

   "How do they do that?"

   "Cheat like alley cats in heat, no sex ever, demanding bitch 24 7 365 the whole time… eventually, he'll want a divorce. Some men? Kill themselves. But who cares, time for a new one anyways."

   "You… make it sound… so romantic a process."

   "I know, right?"

   "Okay… so, what is the teensy talk about. And, if you start by wiggling your ankle with the chain, I'm gonna… well, I don't know what I'm gonna do? But… it will be very… whiny."

   "Right… anyways…"

   "Am I in trouble again already?"

   "No. You're not in trouble… Jesus. This is not a bad talk, it's… just one I forgot to go over."

   "Okay. I'm hiding my eyes, in case the ankle starts it's shit on me… okay… go."

   "Are you done being silly? This is moderately serious."

   "Moderately? I can handle. I'm still weak from all the…"

   "Right. Since the pretending married thingy came up? It reminded me. We need to have a talk about that. Okay?"

   "Yes dear. I promise not to be silly."

   "Good… first thing? My home life. I can sum it all up easy. You, the cat, and… that's all I care about. Period. I've studied this a long time, and… I don't care about anything else. I'm not kidding."

   "Well. You have that. Your work here is done then."

   "Ain't it? Wasn't that easy. I don't want to change. I don't want to grow. You already know I can't make babies, so, that just leaves… marriage. We have to talk about it."

   "But… you just said…"

   "Let me finish? Or do I have to get the timer out, to explain it to you…"

   "Finish."

   "Marriage. We have to talk about it. You already know I can't make babies. Marriage? I'm… not even sure I believe in the whole concept, from a science girl point of view. That notwithstanding? I'm not sure we even could get married, anyways."

   "Why?"

   "Honey? You don't even know my real name. You're not going to. Unless the operation ever gets called to a halt? Is the only way I'd drop the Merry and take the tape off my real name. This way? You can't slip and call me by another name, and I could get killed for it."

   "Eh. I'd probably still call you Merry anyways."

   "Let me finish, and maybe you'll understand. I don't even know if it would be legal to marry you anyways."

   "Oh. No other… agent that does your job, is married? I don't buy it…"

   "Well. Back in the day? Agents sometimes married a woman under their cover. It was a hot mess back then. A married guy, got married again under his cover… can you imagine the mess?"

   "If this story, ends with you being married to some guy in Nebraska under your real name?… you are in deep shit. We're talking whining, pouting, arguing like you wouldn't believe. Breaking dishes. I withhold sex… the whole nine yards. Probably the silent treatment, too."

   "Well I'm safe. I'm single as fuck. Now… other guys were single, and got married under their cover. Another mess. Are they married, or not. Is it legal, or not. I honestly don't know the legal ins and outs, and I'm not interested in finding out. I don't like complicated. My life is complicated enough despite my best efforts."

   "Other agents are married…"

   "Most married undercover agents? Were already married, before they joined the undercover pool. Their wives get the meeting you just got. And? It's fucking toxic to relationships, particularly marriages. Imagine a spouse that disappears for huge stretches of time, sometimes only sneaking home on holidays and running back out. The big paychecks? Are all the spouse sees of their partner. Toxic? Don't begin to cover it… we're talking atomic bombs dropped on otherwise healthy relationships."

   "So, let me get this straight. My hot but faithful tomboy biker babe girlfriend, who can't possibly get pregnant, and is a raving rapist nympho that will beat up girls that look at me too much or give me free food and drink… isn't allowed to get married? Good lord… I don't know, this could be a deal breaker…"

   "Sorry you're taking this so hard… try to control the tears, would you? Jesus."

   "I… will try, to get over this. I promise."

   "Uh huh, I can see that. Just one more thing goes along with this…"

   "What else?"

   "You know how women torture their man with the whole, meet the family routine? You won't be going through that, either."

   "I'm… not allowed to meet your family? In Ohio?"

   "Probably won't come as too big a shock, I'm not really from Ohio. And no, you won't be going to meet them. Ever. Unless… the assignment ends. In which case I'm retired anyways. Spouses have gotten agents killed on accident before."

   "Is… not believing in marriage anyways, and all the problems people have… just a… cover for this security system?"

   "No. Look, you can't fuck it up, if you even tried to… let alone on accident. You know how you child proof a house? Stairs, wall outlets, all sharp things?"

   "Seen it done."

   "Right. I have… idiot proofed my life. I like being alive, and I'd like to keep it that way. Now, I will give you practically anything else you want. You can pretend we're married anytime you feel like it, it makes me… well, a little squirt in my panties, to tell you the goddamn truth. If we ended up doing that full time? I'd… not mind it at all."

   "Sorry for being silly on you. Honey? None of this matters to me. It's… details. I guess I'm like you in some ways. Your… promises? Very touching. Scary, but… touching. I hate it when a favorite used car dies, I don't like unscheduled change."

   "You… can leave anytime you felt like it, if you ever wanted to. You can stay forever, if you like living with me. No strings. No baby trap. No marriage paper trap. No divorce threats. I'm honest when I say, I don't understand or believe everything the modern relationship has turned into. We… even have our own money, none of us stays with the other for that. We… might be the only couple in America? That's together… simply because we enjoy each other."

   "We'll find other shit to fight about one day, I'm just sure of it."

   "I'm sure we will, we're human. Then? We'll get over it."

   "Do you really enjoy sex as much as you seem to? Or… is it just a cover up because you feel guilty you can't provide babies and marriage."

   "No. I'm not bribing you with sex. It's definitely a major component of any relationship, from a quick fling, to a serious one. I don't think withholding sex to force a guy to do what he doesn't want to do? Is fair. I think most women? Act like grown up children, basically adult spoiled brats. If that's… a normal woman's emotional make up? Then… I'm happy there's… something wrong with me."

   He hugged her face back into his neck.

   "You once told me there was nothing wrong with me, there was something right about me. Same thing goes for you. Everything's fine. With us, I mean. Some other shit needs taken care of? But, everything's fine between us."

   "Thanks. You're very sweet."

   "You're welcome. You're very sweet too."

   "Panic?"

   "Yes…"

   Like a little kid, she whispered her still novel trick into his neck. He squeezed her and whispered it back in her ear.

   "Panic? Are we gonna lay here like this and fall asleep. Or, go up to the camp and hang out at the fire."

   "Whichever. I don't care about your name. I don't care about pieces of paper. Either one you want, is fine with me. Just one thing…"

   "Yes?"

   "Now that I know you're rich? You're buying me tater tots tomorrow. The big bag, too. Or I'm withholding sex like a spoiled bitch…"

   Merry caught the giggles in his neck, and squeezed him until they passed. Then she sighed, and said fine. Bitty Kitty was acting like he was running out of catnip steam finally. He walked up Panic's body, and wormed his way down to lay on and perfectly between them. They laced their fingers together, resting gently over him. He instantly began to purr.

   "Mm…"

   So did the cat.