Range - Chapter 43

   When they finally finished up, and dressed each other slowly… they decided to go back up to the main campsite. They walked hand in hand much like two high school sweethearts. When they arrived, everyone said "hi", and "welcome back" and everything else.

   Talk and jokes about the squirrel chunk was a common topic of fun and conversation. Finally, someone noticed something, and commented on it. It was noted, then everyone else agreed on it… Merry had a particularly silly smile and tired look on her face, with seemingly tired, dreamy eyes to match. Once noticed, everyone agreed. They then noted that Panic had the same silly look as well.

   Jokes and ribbing went around. They had made it up just as night was falling, and dinner wasn't cold yet, still warm. More jokes on their suddenly healthy appetites. Neither one cared, and enjoyed it. Everyone knew more or less exactly what was going on, and even when and where half the time. It was, after all, as plain as the dopey looks on their faces.

   Merry handled the ribbing with a smile. She even tended strongly to have the comebacks.

   "Now… you two didn't scare all the animals away, did you?"

   "Now, I don't know what you and the little lady do? Trust me, I don't care… but… write it down, and remember I said it. If the cops ain't getting called once in a while for disturbing the peace? You ain't doing it right."

   "Well which one of you, is making all the noise?"

   "Hmm. I tend to yell and scream a little… this one? He's a squealer… and you know what a squealer is like, huh? Fun, for about a minute, then you gotta shove something in their mouth, or it gets annoying."

   Everyone laughed, and made jokes about what went in who's mouth.

   "I ain't saying… if he ain't bragging, you're shit outta luck."

   The more outrageous of jokes they got out of her mouth, the more everyone laughed and enjoyed themselves.

   Rob finally had to weigh in.

   "So, what yer saying is… what a nice girl you are…"

   "Hey. If being a nice girl means I'm supposed to pretend I'm happy with that lame ass three pumps and a dump bullshit? Fuck that. No, check that, I mean I won't fuck that."

   "So, when's the next cat fight? We wanna watch…"

   "I'll tell you, what I told this one here, and little Robbie too. Next one pulls that shit? Getting both eyes beat shut. They can see how fun is to feel for their next cock, when they can't see it. I'm just saying."

   "How long?"

   "How long what? He's just fine in that department…"

   "No! How long, till we can take our little Panic into town without adult supervision…"

   "Oh, that. That was… the, ahem, the thrust of most of our little conversation just a teensy bit ago. Panic is officially allowed to go places with you boys, or, even by himself now. We… came to an understanding. Didn't we dear?"

   Panic laughed and agreed.

   "So, you'll beat his eyes shut, for looking?"

   "No. I told him I'd kill him."

   Merry winked at Panic on the sly sitting next to her, and everyone laughed like it was the funniest thing ever.

   "When's the wedding?"

   "Tomorrow? Never? I could give a fuck less about a piece of paper. I care about promises; I care about keeping them. What the fuck is the paper for anyways?"

   Everyone quieted down. She seemed mildly serious.

   "So… it's official… I guess."

   "Hmm. Official. Sounds very… official, I suppose. Doesn't sound like it means shit."

   The guy took the bait.

   "It's so everyone… knows…"

   "Oh. Be honest now. Who here doesn't know already. I can walk in with him, anywhere. Everyone knows we're together. Honestly? That paper, doesn't mean jack shit. Not anymore."

   "It makes it legal…"

   "Is… it illegal we're together? Now, I grant you, some of the stuff we do? Illegal, or, should be illegal. That paper? Doesn't do anything anymore. Not anything good at least, judging from what I'm seeing around town. Little Robbie? Care to chime in, nature boy?"

   Rob stood up, took comical bows to the men around him, who gave him somewhat of a standing ovation.

   "All I will say? Matters was attended to? With typical ruthless German efficiency. One more happy customer."

   "And, Little Robbie? How does… this fit into our little… paper conversation here, hmm?"

   "Oh. That… I refuse to answer, on grounds it will tend to incinerate me, Miss Merry. And thank you for pimping your new girlfriend out. I appreciate that."

   "You're welcome Rob. Glad you had fun. I'm sure I made my point. I'm just sure all you boys know the… uh… status of his little nature walker, am I right?"

   "Yeah! That she ain't walking right!"

   "Yes, good job, Rob. You look like you're all boy, I'm just sure you knocked her ovaries around, like breaking a freshly racked pool table, hmm?"

   "Yes ma'am."

   "I'm sure you boys all know he had a noon-er. Now, we're all grownups here, we know what that means, right?"

   "What's it mean, Miss Merry? You tell us…"

   "Paper wise? That little piece of paper? Didn't do diddly shit. Hmm. Anyone else thinking about taking the 'nature girl' on another spirited hike? Huh?"

   No takers, at least not immediately.

   "She's very pretty. Come on, admit it… you boys are wondering who's next to ride that ride, huh?"

   A few chuckles went around, enough they were trying not to be too rude, but it had obviously been discussed, or at least joked about.

   "It's okay. I don't care. Point is this… who here thinks they might get lucky with me? I'm not married. No paper… and that woman? Well… as long as you're tall enough to ride that ride? Have at it. All joking aside? Has paper. Open for business… right in public at work, in front of everyone… no fear and no shame. Me? No paper. You just all know, that I'll taser a guy just for touching my hip without permission. So… the fuck is the paper even for anymore? Come on. What's it even good for."

   A voice piped up new.

   "Marriage? Is legally a contract…"

   "Marriage? Started out as no such thing. Any culture, any town? Did as they pleased. Now… cheaters? Oh, that was not good. Lotta places? The husband and the other wife? Got wind of what was going on? And if they caught them together? They killed them. Not only allowed to? Often enough, they were required to kill them. Or, the law did it for them."

   "Fast forward to only a couple hundred years ago. Your wife cheats? You can kill her for it. Eventually? That was too barbaric… so, you just beat her up. Taught her a lesson."

   "Now today? What the fuck is in place to do anything to help that common problem out? Huh? You can't so much as slap your wife. They enjoy having the husbands fighting over their indiscretions. Everyone knows and jokes about it. I'm not putting my faith, in a piece of paper. If the husbands are too dumb, or don't care? I'll personally beat the wife's eyes shut. Call me crazy all you want. All it takes? Is that the woman actually cares. Most of them don't, and we all know it."

   "So, yer saying, we shouldn't ride that ride, even if we are tall enough to ride that ride…"

   "I honestly don't care. I'd wipe the seat off? But, have fun. Just remember my point. You all know I'm off limits. No paper on me. In town? Open for free rides, papered up. I rest my case."

   "So… the rest of us, get pimped out too? Just asking…"

   Everyone hooted and hollered.

   "Sure. What do I care. Just remember… I couldn't locate a single girl working there this morning. All the waitresses are married. Now, if you don't believe me? Ask Little Robbie here, how it was. I swear, every, single, one of them came up and flirted with him… bad."

   "How was it Rob?"

   "Boys? Easier than a whorehouse, and that's not like I'd know anyways… Miss Merry? Just a phrase there, mind you… easier than a whorehouse, and free."

   "Robbie, judging by all the flirting? You can start charging…"

   Rob stood up, raised his hands, this was gonna be a good one…

   "Now that's a good idea. I'm doing all the work? I should get paid."

   The whole thing degenerated into jokes and good nature humor. One guy though? Sitting there as if in deep thought. Looking at his cell phone. He wandered off behind the clubhouse, to be quieter and out of earshot. He came back from his supposed "piss break", with a smile and a whole lot happier.

   Merry didn't have to say a word, one of the other guys started quizzing him.

   "Called the wife, Bandit. I know this is all funny, but… you know. Figured I'd call her, tell her I love her, I'll be home in a week."

   "You called her cell?"

   "No. Called the house phone. Second ring. I can hear a movie on in the background. Heard my kids running around. Guess I got one of the keepers."

   Now the new fun game? Was every married guy agreed to try to call their wives the same way, just to tell them they loved them, even though everyone knew they were worried and checking up as best they could. Some got good results, some didn't, though it was explainable when the boys all talked about it. Two of them? Wife's cell phone shut off. The joke was, tell yourself it's a nice, long, bubble bath in the empty house. Why? The punch line was, so you can sleep better that way.

   One guy? Happily reported the wife was at "Marcy's" house. Card party. He could hear the commotion and the other girls talking. Rob made a joke about calling Marcy to confirm that. Marcy's phone was on, but no answer. A quick check of social media? Had Marcy, somehow hosting this "card party" at a popular dinner and drinks place. The magic of GPS auto-feeding the social media sites. No one said a word, everyone looked away, and everyone else but him tried desperately to have any small conversation they could muster with anyone else save for himself.

   Rob even tried to help the poor guy out…

   "Hey… maybe Marcy's kid or something has her phone and is out, it could be totally innocent…"

   "Thanks for trying to cheer me up, Rob…"

   "So, it worked?"

   "Well, not really. Being that Marcy has one kid, who is only six? Now, I'm worried that a six year old is out at a bar."

   Rob really tried…

   "Babysitter."

   "Babysitter takes the kids to a bar? Rob, I don't live in a fucking trailer park, so shit like that don't go on with kids being babysat."

   "It could still be innocent. Don't jump to conclusions. Guys? Lets change the subject. What do you say?"

   "Fuck it. Everyone's called now. Skykid's only one left."

   Everyone wanted Skykid to call his wife, Judy. They were happily married for years, they wanted one more happy ending.

   "Judy's bowling night, boys. Phone's off when she's in league night. Judy will call me, oh, another hour or so. I don't make her, she just does it."

   Later on in the night, in actually less than an hour, Skykid's phone went off. He quieted everyone down, and put his wife on speaker. Everyone could hear bowling pins exploding, and Judy had to yell to be heard. She wanted to call to brag she held over 150 over the three games, and to report Sky's "aunt Marla" was drinking cheap beer and throwing gutter balls. Ruining the team's average.

   An old crow cackled something unintelligible in the background close by, and Judy told her she was kidding, to just go toss another gutter ball. After making sure she was on speaker, Judy told Rob hello. Complained about having to drive Marla's car home, what was the point of getting a ride from Marla, if she had to end up driving it home anyways. Apparently, Judy wouldn't mind aunt Marla staying over for the company, but she didn't like the house stinking like an ashtray. Obviously, Skykid and Judy were both nonsmokers, and Marla not only liked cheap beer, but cheap cigarettes as well. Judy and Skykid did the "I love you's" to everybody giving a group "aww". The last thing Judy told Sky? Was to make sure and have fun, he was on vacation.

   Skykid gave everyone a thumbs up, and adjusted his ever present sunglasses.

   "Frenchie? Knows how to run shit, boys… I'll be giving autographs later."

   Although all of this ended and passed eventually, the subject came up one final time. The guy with the card party possible problem? Had gotten drunk, and figured out he could check his credit cards online, in real time. Purchases would just pop up in minutes after real life use.

   He wondered aloud, what all the Mezcal cheap tequila shots were for, as his wife didn't drink anything but mixed girly drinks. He was drunk enough to make a joke about it, but, no one laughed and everyone tried to change the subject. The odds were unfortunately now in favor of his wife, buying cheap tequila shots for someone all night. Hardly a good omen.

   "Christ. For two cents? I'd about report my card lost or stolen right now, it shuts it down immediately. She can still get laid? But, I'll be damned if I'm buying the shots for him… asshole can buy his own damn liquor…"

   Everyone ganged up, and tried to cheer him up, in that it still could be innocent enough to pass muster. She could just be talked out into a girls night out, since he was on vacation. Don't do anything rash, they all agreed.

   He explained, that when he met her? By his own admission, dumb as a box of rocks, but pretty as hell. Never had a job in her life. Dating "complete losers" with no jobs and no prospects of anything else, when he had met her. There had been some issues about five years into their otherwise happy marriage. How had he handled that trying time? Apparently, dating "yet one more loser" on the side? He had "grounded" her to teach her a lesson. IE, no gas card, no credit cards, nothing.

   She had learned her lesson, but he said obviously it was time for another one. He decided, to shut off all the credit cards, except for those he carried in his own wallet. When reminded it could still be innocent enough? His reply…

   "Even if one of her girlfriends suddenly developed a taste for straight cheap tequila? Which I highly doubt, by the way… even if that's it? I don't make good money, so she can run my cards up buying drinks for other wives. Their husbands can foot the bill so they can get drunk enough to suck strange cocks. Putting this puppy on the porch right now…"

   "Hope the dumb bitch has a full tank of gas. Gas card goes off as of five minutes from now, too. Bitch can walk home? Or, better yet, who the fuck ever is drinking what I paid for? Can give her a ride home. Fuck this shit. Ha. Wait till she ain't got no hair do, no nail days, no shopping, no gasoline. Dumb cunts gonna be crying her little eyes out before I even get home. Fuck that shit, I'll stay extra days. I got enough vacation time. I'm using some…"

   A while later, after the "festivities" were over… Merry started to apologize a little.

   "Guys? I'm sorry this topic came up, and it led to… whatever it led to. I don't want to be responsible for---"

   "No. Merry? This… tequila shit? It's going on, and us talking about the subject didn't create it. I'm sure it didn't just start tonight, either. Matter of fact, if we hadn't been calling our wives, I never would have suspected, much less known about it. I'd rather know and try to deal with it, than… be another clueless asshole."

   Another voice chimed in…

   "Yeah, clueless like the guys in this town…"

   "I'm keeping an eye on mine when I get home. Now I'm wondering…"

   "Christ. Mine was always making jokes about her 'boyfriend'. I wonder if they were jokes now…"

   Merry piped up gently…

   "Like I said, I wanted to apologize for it turning into… this. I wanted to apologize for that, so I could move onto what I really wanted to apologize about."

   "What's that?"

   "Robbie? Skykid? You two guys. Panic gave me a lecture about the bar night and you guys. Honestly? My plan was just to get you guys to go in, be a little nervous… then surprise you that I could go and talk to them, and we got the VIP treatment. The little skank at the bar started trouble, and… Panic explained to me what could have happened. I forget you guys are all carrying guns and are comfortable using them, he was concerned something really bad might have happened."

   Skykid reassured her…

   "It worked out all right, Merry…"

   "Yeah, but, it could have gone bad. I honestly didn't think that far ahead. I just thought it would be cute to get you guys in there, then let you be surprised I could go to those places. Panic's… little lecture mentioned something about 'risking the lives of his friends' and he wasn't happy about the whole situation. I've been waiting for the right time to apologize about it, and… this seemed like as good a time as any."

   Rob reassured her about the women situation…

   "Miss Merry? Honest to god, we kind of… well, we all talked about the wives and cheating thing when you wasn't here at the campfire a couple times. To be really honest about it? We kinda thought you were overly sensitive about the whole thing, and blowing it all out of proportion. Honestly? You're more or less right. Guys?"

   Another voice chimed in…

   "No, we been making jokes about the 1 out of 5 DNA tests. Now… the things in town… I'm honestly afraid to check my own kid's hair samples."

   Skykid emceed the whole thing…

   "All right. So, nobody really needs to apologize, everything's as okay as it ever was, or wasn't… all's well that end's well. We're all good. Don't sweat it any more, Merry. I'd call for a group hug? But, for one we don't do that shit, and for another reason? No one wants electrocuted."

   "So, I just wanna make sure you guys don't all hate me or any---"

   "Merry. Frenchie says, no harm, no foul. If you really wanna be in our good graces? We were joking about going to watch the next cat-fight, if you have a schedule laying around…"

   Chuckles and jokes slowly erupted and the entire thing smoothed and passed over. Merry smiled at Panic, and he winked back at her. Sometime after dark, Merry and Panic got up and started making ready to go "home" to their little cabin up and off the trail. Panic explained he wanted to get a good night's sleep, because he was supposed to meet Merry's uncle the next day, as he was coming through near enough on business anyways.

   Natural jokes and teasing ensued. First about being "taken to meet the family". Another guy asked if he was nervous.

   "About what? Not like I'm meeting her parent's for dinner or anything…"

   "Oh, no. I'm sure it's wonderful. The father's brother is checking up on his big brother's little princess, and she's gonna introduce him to the guy who's been railing her. No, I'm sure you two will hit it off perfectly, Panic. Couldn't see how this could go wrong."

   Another guy chimed in…

   "Maybe stay off the topic of how many guys out in the woods are living here with Merry being the only girl? The daddy might not be so understanding…"

   Another joke…

   "No, this is family, he knows her. He knows we're more in danger from her, than she is from us…"

   Merry whispered something in Panic's ear, and he nodded and spread his hand out. "Go ahead…" it said with body language easily.

   Merry ran up to "Little Robbie" and hugged him briefly, then Skykid. Then she wiggled her fingers goodbye, and smiled and took Panic's fingers in hers and they walked up the trail into the darkness.